Funny Marriage Quotes Sayings2017


  1. One day the thunderbolt will hit you, and~ if you survive that you’ll make the dumb mistake of getting married.

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  3. Marriage is like a work; it’s routinary to serve your partner everyday

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  5. I now truly believe “happily marr~ied” is an oxymoron.

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  7. Wife: Worries Invited For Ever
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  9. Congrats, you’re married but for how long again
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  11. Man is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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  13. Another word for a court judge saying “you a~re sentenced to life imprisonment with hard labor” is marriage.

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  15. If marriages are made in heaven…~ Then it’s obvious that someone up there doesn’t like us.

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  17. Marriage means commitment, so does insanity…

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  19. Why dogs don’t get married? Because they are already leading a dog’s life.

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  21. I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

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  23. Marriage is a place where two peo~ple have to live together for the rest of their lives…or at least until they get divorced!

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  25. Marriage rocks! as in a rocky mountain…
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  27. Marriage is the most attractiv~e jail “Cell” in which you choose to turn yourself in.

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  29. Marriage changes Everything!…..Suddenly your in Bed with A Relative!

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  31. A woman before marriage is your very best friend, after marriage she’s just a plain old’ dog.

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  33. I won’t have another drink my wife said if I am not home by 9 -45, my life is not worth living”. His friend said “what are you a man ~or a mouse”. He said “I am a man if I was a mouse the wife would be frightened of me

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  35. Marriage is a sentence… A life sentence.

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  37. A married man is like a dead bird, his goose is cooked.

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  39. If he’s getting married, he’s not lo~nger interesting.

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  41. I would be married, but I’d have no wife, I would be married to a single life.

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  43. Don’t marry a man to reform him – that’s what reform schools are for.

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  45. Marriage is, above all else, the leading cause of divorce.

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  47. I never knew I had so many vices till I got married.

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  49. Before marriage, a man will lie ~awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

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  51. When a girl marries, she exch~anges the attention of many men for the inattention of one.

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  53. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

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  55. We sleep in separate room~s, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

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  57. My wife can’t cook at all. She made c~hocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

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  59. My wife was afraid of the dark… then s~he saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

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  61. My wife’s jealousy is getting ri~diculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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  63. Marriage is like a hot bath, once you get in it, it ain’t so hot.

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  65. I found another word for slave… Groom

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  67. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

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  69. My wifes cooking is so bad the flys~ fix our screens

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  71. A sense of humor is great – it goes ~a long, long way in a marriage.

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  73. A happy marriage is a balancing~ act between “Rocking” & “On the rocks”.

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  75. Are you a man or a mouse~? I’m a man if I was a mouse the wife would be frightened of me.

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  77. A bachelor is a guy who never m~ade the same mistake once.

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  79. Marrying for sex is like flying~ to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It’s not the point of the thing, is it?

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  81. Marriage is a good de~al like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising

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  83. With my wife I don’t get n~o respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

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  85. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I ~didn’t want to interrupt her.

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  87. Falling in love is a beautiful experi~ence; Marriage is hitting the rock bottom reality.

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  89. These are great Ihope you don’t mind if I share them… I sent you a cup of coffee to enjoy… Thank you for the smiles and laughs…I~ needed them.

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  91. Mom: When I married you’re father I had to put all my dreams on wait. Daughter: Really what was you’re dream. Mom: To be single an~d childless.

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  93. Two elderly men are sitting on a bench outside a retirment home and one says, “Ted I am 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age how do you feel?” Ted says “I feel like a newborn baby!” “Really? like a newborn baby?” “Yep no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants

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  95. Forget about the past, you can’t change it, Forget about the future, you can’t predict it, Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one!

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  97. Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.

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  99. You’re birthday reminds me of the old Chinese scholar….. Yung No Mo

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  101. I didn’t forget your birthday, I just forgot today’s date

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  103. How do you expect me to remember your birthday, when you never look any older? Happy birthday

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  105. You think you are special JUST because it’s your birthday today…No way you’re special every day

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  107. I was gonna give you something awesome for your birthday, but the mailman made me get out of the mailbox.

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  109. You’re not 40, you’re eighteen with 22 years of experience

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  111. I can’t believe you’re almost 18. You’ll be able to go to jail

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  113. Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe

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  115. Act your age not your shoe size.

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  117. At 42 just think of it as being your 2nd 21st birthday.

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  119. Old enough to know better…Young enough to still do it.

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  121. If you want to look young and thin on your birthday. Hang around a bunch of old fat people

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  123. So far, this is the oldest I’ve ever been.
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  125. That awkward moment when people are singing Happy Birthday to you and you have no idea where to look.
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  127. It has been scientifically proven that too many birthdays will kill you.

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  129. It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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  131. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know WHY I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

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  133. Something to remember on your birthday..Forget the past, it can’t be changed..And, forget the present because I didn’t get you one.

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  135. Every once in a while, special people are put on this earth. People with deep passion, immense love for others. People with hearts much greater than average, and today, one of them would like to wish you a happy birthday. Happy Birthday.

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  137. Birthdays are like boogers the more you have the harder it is to breath.

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  139. When asked how old I am I reply, “Old enough to know better, and young enough to do it again!

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  141. When you are over the hill you pick up speed
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  143. Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.

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  145. At least you’re not as old as you will be next year! Happy birthday

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  147. I’m not going to make any age related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.

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  149. Forget the past, you can’t change. Forget the future, you can’t predict it. Forget the present, I didn’t get you one! Happy Birthday

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  151. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half… Forget that, after I finally learned to talk, my parents were telling me to shut up.

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  153. Of course you’re not old! You aren’t very young either.

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  155. I’m just here for the cake.

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  157. That awkward moment when it’s your birthday and everyone is singing “Happy birthday to you” and you just stand there clueless of what to say.

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  159. It’s better to be over the hill than 6 feet under it

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  161. You’re so old when you look at your birth certificate it said expired.

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  163. The best way of staying young is lying about your age.

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  165. Age doesn’t matter unless you’re a cheese.
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  167. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

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  169. Birthdays are like girlfriends, they come and go- unless you enjoy them.

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  171. A toast to you! May you live to be as old as you look!

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  173. They say love is all you need… So I forgot to buy a birthday present. Happy Birthday

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  175. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

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  177. I was gonna make you a rum cake but now it’s just a cake and I’m drunk.

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  179. Do you know why old men wear black socks with sandals? You’re one year closer to finding out. Happy Birthday.

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  181. Hey I’m not saying you’re old… I’m just saying that if you were milk I’d smell you before I poured you on my cereal.

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  183. Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty- five for years.

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  185. Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
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  187. Halloween = Candy Thanksgiving = Food Christmas = Gifts New Year = Drinks Valentines = Sex Birthday = All Of The Above

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  189. A man is getting old when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.

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  191. Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake

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  193. Happiness is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. And that’s what you feel today. Happy Birthday.

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  195. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

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  197. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

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  199. Happy Birthday, have fun and just remember you’re only as young as you look so therefore you better have as much fun as you can and quick

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  201. A birthday is just another 365 days around the sun. Enjoy the trip.

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  203. Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the hell happened.

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  205. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

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  207. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m five I’ll be 64.

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  209. For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

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  211. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.

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  213. Smile, it could be worse…think about what you’ll look like in ten years. Happy Birthday.

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  215. You may not be over the hill yet, but you have a great view!.

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  217. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.

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  219. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

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  221. The return of my birthday, if I remember it, fills me with thoughts which it seems to be the general care of humanity to escape.

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  223. Men are like wine: some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

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  225. Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.
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  227. I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

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  229. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
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  231. About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.

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  233. Kids wish to be older, adults wish to be younger.
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  235. Women deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of twenty eight and forty.

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  237. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.

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  239. If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.

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  241. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

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  243. One more year of existence down the drain. Happy Birthday!

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  245. The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.

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  247. Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.

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  249. Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.
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  251. You would have loved the gift I didn’t bother getting you.

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  253. Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.

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  255. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of… Lord- only- knows.

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  257. Birthdays are God’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

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  259. After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.
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  261. What goes up but never comes down?
  262. Your age.
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  264. To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.

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  266. With age comes wisdom. You’re one of the wisest people I know.

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  268. When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

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  270. Happy Birthday. I promise I won’t tell how old you really are!

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  272. The most effective way to re~member your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

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  274. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

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  276. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

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  278. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

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  280. Like a lot of other men my age I have been thirty for ten years now, but I’ve decided today’s the day to move up to thirty one! Co~me back in ten years and I’ll be turning thirty two.

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  282. It’s better to be over the hill than to buried under it.

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  284. Birthdays – Too young to forget them and too old to care.

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  286. Old age is when you reverse ~your car from your driveway into your neighbor’s swimming pool across the road and believe it was the car’s fault and not yours.

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  288. You’re how old? Just be glad your age is not calculated in “Dog years”. They would have put you down by now!

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  290. Every year on your birthday, be nice to your kids. The older you get the closer it comes for them to choose a nursi~ng home.

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  293. You are only young once, b~ut you can be immature for a lifetime.

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  295. Just imagine the things you’d want to hear on your birthday and assume I said them. Mwah

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  297. There are lots of good people in the world. One of them would like to wish you a happy birthday.

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  299. Don’t forget to wear your birthday suit…but check it for wrinkles first!

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  301. They say the older you get the more respect you get.So I just want you to know I have all the respect in the world for you~!

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  303. Over the hill. Ne~ver, just on top enjoying the view.

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  305. I’m not gonna make any age related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are. Lol.

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  307. It’s better to burn out then t~o fade away.

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  309. You’re not old, you’re just. Old.
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  311. The older you get the bold~er you get.

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  313. I can’t believe you’re 50. I ~mean, I can’t believe you’re only 50. I thought you were way older than that.

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  315. Celebrating your birthday is like being happy that you are closer to your grave.

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  317. I’m not saying you’re old. Oh wait. You are!
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  319. Happy birthday!! May you live long enough to sh*t yourself

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  321. May you live forever and the last voice you hear be mine.

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  323. The secret to staying young is to~ eat slowly, live honestly, and lie about your age.

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  325. Just because you’re old d~oes not mean you have to look that way!

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  327. Happy 13th bi~rthday! Did I hear you saying insult? Please don’t be offended, but honestly, you look younger everyday.

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  329. OMG!!!! It’s your birthday! Have a blast and I hope you enjoy your day. P.S Try not to think about your age.

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  331. If you had a birthday for every girl who stopped and stared…you my friend would be in nursery.

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  333. Birthdays: Keep doing them ever~y year and one day you’ll wake very old.
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  335. People say that the good die youn~g, but if that is true how evil are you if you get older and older!

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  337. I was going to give you a birth~day present, but it wouldn’t stop ticking.

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  339. Do you know what th~ey call people of your age? Old

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  341. You’re turning that age!? Where did the time go

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  343. Happy birthday grandpa you’re getting older every second I see you.

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  345. Now I’m not saying the professor i~s old, but if you consider his age – he’s likely to die soon.

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  347. What goes up but never comes down?
  348. Your age.
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  350. I know it’s your birthday but I hav~e no idea how old you are.

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  352. Oohh!!!! Your birthday pre~sent, haha!!!! Cute story.

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  354. Go celebrate age and have fun going around the sun… HAPPY GETTING OLD…

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  356. Without birthdays we wouldn’t know how much makeup to put on in the morning.

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  358. Every year someone asks me “W~hat are you doing for your birthday?” and every year I say “Celebrating, idiot

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  360. You sure don’t look your age, you look way older! Happy birthday oldie

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  362. Birthday – It is a day when you will be happy for wasting one more year.

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  364. Too young to die, too old to rock n roll.
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  366. I was going to g~ive you a birthday present but every time I touched the box, it would snarl at me.

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  368. Happy 29th Birthday! (again)
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  370. I don’t know your name, bu~t your birthday cake was delicious.

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  372. Happy Birthday” is normall~y what people tell you every year, but it’s more like “Congrats! You’re officially one year closer to being dead! Good for you

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  374. You know you’re getting old~ when you can’t remember how old you are

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  376. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out

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  378. The good, die youn~g. The bad, are bad to the bone. The young, are young at heart. And the old, is an old fashioned love song.

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  380. It’s proven that at the age 41 you start to lose your memory. We can only hope

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  382. Their mental age is inversel~y proportional to their physical age.

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  384. The older you get the more you forget.

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  386. I can’t remember being born..but my mother assures me that I was.

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  388. Celebrating ano~ther birthday means another year closer to seeing God’s face.

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  390. You are not over the hill. You ~are on top of it and the view is magnificent.

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  392. I’m sorry you have to scroll so~ far down on websites looking for your birth year

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  394. I was planning to put a go~rgeous, awesome present in your cake… …But I didn’t want any frosting on my hair

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  396. As you slide down the ban~nister of life… May the splinters never point the wrong way.

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  398. I’m not saying you’re~ old, you have just lived a lot longer than I’ve seen anyone live! But you’re not old. I think.

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  400. May you grow to be toothle~ss! Happy Birthday

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