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Funny Marriage Quotes2017


  • Marriage is a relationship in which one person~ is always right and the other is the husband
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  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she~ shops.

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  • You know… There is a name for peop~le who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband

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  • Husband is the HEAD of the family and wife is the NECK that turns the head around!

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  • Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degre~e and woman gets her masters degree.

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  • My hubby may wear the pants in our family but I con~trol the zipper!

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  • Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, und~erstanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

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  • Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia? Th~e mafia wants either your money or life… Wives want both

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  • A marriage lic~ense is a license which allows a woman to drive a man! WHEN YOU SAY “I DO” , “YOU’RE DONE”! A wife’s view point! “What’s “hers is hers”! And “What’s yours is hers also”! Remember! If she ain’t happy, you ain’t happy eith~er! When I said, “I DO”! She said, “OH NO YOU DON’T”! If my wife ran the world ,there wouldn’t be any wa~rs… But there wouldn’t be any peace either

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  • When I married Ms Right, I didn’t know her first name was “Always

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  • Marriage is just fancy word to adopt ~an over grown male child who is no more handled by his parents.

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  • My wife and I always compromise. I a~dmit I am wrong and she agrees with me.

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  • Some remain single~ and make wonders happen. Some have boyfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what h~appened.

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  • The only time my wife is listening to me is when I’m saying do you want some money.

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  • In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays

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  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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  • Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and sp~ade.

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  • The only moment that my w~ife listens to me is when I’m talking in my sleep.

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  • Behind every successful wife, stands a surprised mother in law.

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  • A man marries a woman hoping she would never change, a woman marries a man thinking that she can change him.

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  • Funniest contradicting phrases: 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Act naturally 5.Found missing 6.Fully empty 7.Happily married

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  • Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

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  • Love is one long sweet dream a~nd marriage is the alarm clock!

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  • Marriage is a workshop…whe~re husband works & wife shops.

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  • Make love and not war Or, find someone, marry them And you can do both

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  • Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.

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  • African proverb: He who marries a beautiful wife and he who plants corn by the roadside all have the same problem; insecurity.

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  • Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.~

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  • I love being married.~ It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

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  • Marriages are ~made in heaven. But, then again, so are thunder, lightening, tornadoes and hail.

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  • The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.

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  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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  • Always remember: she’s right, yo~u’re wrong, and you’re sorry.

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  • It seems like I was only marr~ied yesterday……..If it was tomorrow I would cancel it.

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  • Two men were talkin~g and one said for their 10th anniversary he took his wife to Hawaii. Said for their 20th he might go back ~and get her.

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  • Son: Dad, is it true that marriage costs a lot? Father: I don’t know son, still paying…

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  • My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

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  • Why does a woman work ten years to change a man, then complain he’s not the man she married

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  • My husband and I married for better or worse!! He couldn’t have done better and I couldn’t have done worse

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  • Men marry wo~men with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disa~ppointed.

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  • My wife treats me like a God… She ~takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

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  • Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

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  • I got rid of my husban~d. The cat was allergic.
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  • The husband who wants a happy marri~age should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

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  • There’s a way of transferring funds that is even f~aster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

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  • Remember- you can either be happy or RIGHT.

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  • Height of misunderstanding – A man marrying his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before.

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  • You have two options in a m~arriage. You can either be happy or you can be right.

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  • I thought I was stupid until I~ got married, my stupidity was confirmed.

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  • Never get married in colle~ge; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one~ mistake.

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  • Marriage is like a poker game. You start out with a pair. She shows a heart. He flashes a diamond. She gets a flush. A~nd he ends up with a full~ house and a big pot

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  • Before marri~age, each looks at the o~ther through rose- colored glasses. After marriage, they see each other with magnifying glasses!

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  • Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

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  • When ever you can afford t~o get married. Buy yourself a sports car.

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  • I don’t like the terms “housewife” and “homemaker” I’m prepared to be called “Domestic Goddess”.. It’s more desc~riptive.

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  • Marriage is the longest ~COLD WAR ever fought.

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  • Marriage is the only war ~in which you sleep with the enemy.

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  • I was married by a jud~ge. I should have asked for a jury.

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  • The best way to r~emember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

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  • Once upo~n, there was this man who asked a woman “Will you marry me?” The woman said “NO!” Then the man lived happily ever after, rode motorcycles and w~ent fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and dr~ank beer an~d scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and did whenever he wanted. “THE END” 

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  • Married life is so easy. It’s just like a walk in the park. BUT the problem is: . .. … that the park is Jurassic

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  • I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.

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  • I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

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  • Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce.

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  • I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.

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  • Marriage is like a hot bath. Once~ you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

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  • It’s a funny thing that when a man~ hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

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  • Marriage is a union of ~give and take. He gives, She takes.

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  • Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

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  • Some people ask the secr~et of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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  • The secret of a happy marr~iage remains a secret.

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  • A man’s wife has more pow~er over him than the state has.

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  • My wife suggested a book~ for me to read to enhance our relationship. It’s titled, “Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.

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  • Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose.

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  • Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up

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  • Here’s a toast to our wives and girlfriends … May they never meet

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  • A good marriage would be betwee~n a blind wife and a deaf husband.

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  • Keep your eyes wide open before ~marriage, and half- shut afterwards.

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  • Marriage is an adventure, like go~ing to war.
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  • Married men live longer, ~but they are also more willing to die in more than one way

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  • After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

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  • Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

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  • The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.

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  • In my house I’m the boss, my ~wife is just the decision maker.

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  • I haven’t spoken to my wife for m~any years. I love her so much that I don’t like to interrupt her.

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  • Why all married men go to hea~ven? Because they cannot be in hell twice.

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  • Man: I wear the pants ~in the relationship. Woman: I’m the belt that holds the pants up

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  • Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

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  • Love is blind, marriage is the eye- opener.

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  • I think men who have a pierced ear~ are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

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  • Love, n. A temporary insani~ty curable by marriage.

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  • Marriage is worse tha~n prison. There is no parole for good behavior.

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  • A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.

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  • Bride, n. – A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

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  • Let us now set forth one of the fund~amental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

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  • Marriage is a mutual ~misunderstanding.

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  • Husbands? Just two words: “Yes, dear.

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  • My husband wears the pants in my house… The ones I pick.

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  • Think your wife doesn’t listen to a word you say? Try talking in your sleep

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  • Marriage is grand. Divorce, 200 grand.
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  • The decision to stay unmarried ~is the beginning of wisdom.

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  • There are two sides in a ma~rriage, one who is always right and the other is called…..the husband.

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  • You have got to get marri~ed you just can’t go through life enjoying yourself.

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  • Love is like a dream, but marriage is like an alarm clock

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  • Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

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  • Some people claim that marri~age interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

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  • Marriage is far more complica~ted than quantum physics.

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  • Chinese proverb: M~arriage is like a besieged fortress: those on the outside want in, and those on the inside want out.

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  • I love her even though she makes me do stuff.
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  • Marriage: I think my wife fell in love with annoying me.

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  • Marriage is like a jacuzzi, it’s hot until you get used to it.

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  • I married Miss Right. Didn’t ~know her first name was Always.

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  • For happy married life m~en must remember: when you are wrong confess immediately, when right keep mum.

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  • Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

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  • Marriage is like birds in a cage, those who are inside are struggling to get out and those who are outside are str~uggling to get in.

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  • The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.

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  • Marriage turns night owls into homing pigeons.

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  • To keep your marriage brimming, w~ith love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

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  • I told my wife the truth. I told~ her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

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  • Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.

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  • My wife swept me off my feet when we first met now all she does is tell me to lift my feet so she can sweep

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  • Every time I find Mr. Right my husband scares him off.

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  • Marriages are made in heaven but they make ~hell on earth.

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  • Your child is as you raise him. And your husba~nd as you train him.

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  • Marriage is a jail with out bail.

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  • Marriage is a sacred institution, everyo~ne who does it ends up with their own private room eventually.

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  • Isn’t it weird that before you have children, people warn you that they can be expensive and sometimes difficult? Why didn’t ~I ever get warned about marriage?

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