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Funny Quotes New Best whatsapp

  1. I’ve got problem for your solution.
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  3. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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  5. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
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  7. It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
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  9. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
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  11. The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
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  13. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
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  15. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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  17. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
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  19. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
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  21. Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
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  23. If more than one Mouse is Mice then more than one Spouse is SPICE..!!
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  25. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
  26. ================================
  27. Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
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  29. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
  30. ================================
  31. If it begins with a wink, it can end with a slap.
  32. ================================

  33. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
  34. ================================
  35. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
  36. ================================
  37. I can resist everything except temptation.
  38. ================================

  39. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  40. ================================

  41. Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
  42. ================================

  43. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
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  45. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
  46. ================================

  47. My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
  48. ================================

  49. It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
  50. ================================
  51. You never learn anything by doing it right.
  52. ================================
  53. To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
  54. ================================

  55. The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
  56. ================================
  57. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
  58. ================================
  59. Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
  60. ================================
  61. Avoid hangovers stay drunk.
  62. ================================

  63. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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  65. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
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  67. To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
  68. ================================
  69. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
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  71. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
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  73. I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone’s golf game. It’s called an eraser.
  74. ================================

  75. I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.
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  77. Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
  78. ================================
  79. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

  80. ================================

  81. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
  82. ================================

  83. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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  85. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
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  87. I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
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  89. The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
  90. ================================

  91. It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
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  93. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
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  95. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
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  97. Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
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  99. The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
  100. ================================
  101. Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
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  103. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
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  105. You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.
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  107. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
  108. –================================

  109. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  110. ================================
  111. Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
  112. ================================
  113. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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  115. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
  116. ================================

  117. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  118. ================================

  119. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  120. ================================

  121. Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
  122. ================================

  123. After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  124. ================================
  125. Boys are like bubble gum, sweet in the beginning, but dull in the end! 😀
  126. ================================

  127. I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.
  128. ================================

  129. The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
  130. ================================

  131. Women Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
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  133. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
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  135. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
  136. ================================

  137. Most women are not as young as they are painted.
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  139. You can’t be late until you show up.
  140. ================================

  141. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
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  143. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
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  145. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
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  147. Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  148. ================================

  149. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
  150. ================================

  151. What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
  152. ================================

  153. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
  154. ================================

  155. I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
  156. ================================
  157. There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.
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  159. Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
  160. ================================
  161. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
  162. ================================
  163. Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
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  165. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
  166. ================================

  167. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of. Lord only knows.
  168. ================================

  169. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
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  171. Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
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  173. I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
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  175. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
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  177. I like my whiskey old and my women young.
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  179. No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
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  181. It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
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  183. Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
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  185. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
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  187. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
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  189. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
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  191. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
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  193. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
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  195. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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  197. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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  199. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
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  201. Operator, give me the number for 911!
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  203. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
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  205. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
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  207. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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  209. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
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  211. A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
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  213. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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  215. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
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  217. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
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  219. Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
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  221. If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
  222. ================================
  223. Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
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  225. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
  226. ================================
  227. When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
  228. ================================
  229. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
  230. ================================
  231. You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
  232. ================================
  233. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
  234. ================================

  235. It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
  236. ================================

  237. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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  239. I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.

  240. ================================
  241. When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
  242. ================================
  243. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  244. ================================
  245. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
  246. ================================

  247. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
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  249. A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
  250. ================================

  251. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
  252. ================================
  253. A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
  254. ================================
  255. The True Man wants 2 things: DANGER & PLAY. For that reason he wants Woman, as the Most Dangerous Plaything.
  256. ================================

  257. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  258. ================================
  259. Marriage is tricky; you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.
  260. ================================
  261. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  262. ================================

  263. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
  264. ================================
  265. I speak two languages, Body and English.
  266. ================================
  267. My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
  268. ================================

  269. God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls could flirt.
  270. ================================

  271. Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
  272. ================================
  273. The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
  274. ================================

  275. Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
  276. ================================
  277. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
  278. ================================
  279. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
  280. ================================
  281. I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
  282. ================================

  283. Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
  284. ================================

  285. It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
  286. ================================
  287. Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
  288. ================================
  289. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  290. ================================
  291. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
  292. ================================

  293. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  294. ================================
  295. The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
  296. –================================
  297. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn’t met me yet.
  298. ================================

  299. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  300. ================================

  301. I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
  302. ================================

  303. I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
  304. ================================
  305. Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
  306. ================================
  307. People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.
  308. ================================

  309. In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
  310. ================================

  311. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
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  313. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
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  315. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
  316. ================================
  317. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
  318. ================================

  319. No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.

  320. ================================

  321. Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
  322. ================================

  323. Life is just one damned thing after another.
  324. ================================
  325. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
  326. ================================
  327. A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
  328. ================================
  329. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
  330. ================================
  331. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
  332. ================================

  333. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
  334. ================================

  335. China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
  336. ================================

  337. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
  338. ================================
  339. That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
  340. ================================

  341. When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
  342. ================================
  343. Never accept a drink from a urologist.
  344. ================================

  345. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  346. ================================

  347. The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
  348. ================================

  349. You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
  350. ================================

  351. Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
  352. ================================

  353. The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
  354. ================================
  355. It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
  356. ================================

  357. By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
  358. ================================
  359. With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
  360. ================================

  361. He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
  362. ================================

  363. When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
  364. ================================

  365. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
  366. ================================

  367. A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
  368. ================================

  369. Happy birthday. I guess we’ve reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by “for someone your age.
  370. ================================

  371. The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
  372. ================================

  373. The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.
  374. ================================

  375. The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
  376. ================================

  377. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
  378. ================================
  379. Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
  380. ================================
  381. Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
  382. ================================
  383. He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
  384. ================================
  385. The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
  386. ================================
  387. I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
  388. ================================

  389. Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
  390. ================================
  391. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
  392. ================================
  393. My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
  394. ================================
  395. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
  396. ================================
  397. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
  398. ================================
  399. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

  400. ================================

  401. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
  402. ================================

  403. I told a chemistry joke few days back. It didn’t get a reaction.
  404. ================================
  405. Humor is reason gone mad.
  406. ================================
  407. A joke is a very serious thing.
  408. ================================

  409. Life’s a gamble and I’m calling its bluff.
  410. ================================

  411. Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
  412. ================================

  413. A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn’t pee on his hands.
  414. ================================

  415. Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
  416. ================================

  417. A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
  418. ================================

  419. The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
  420. ================================

  421. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
  422. ================================

  423. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
  424. ================================
  425. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
  426. ================================

  427. My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
  428. ================================

  429. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
  430. ================================

  431. I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
  432. ================================
  433. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
  434. ================================

  435. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  436. ================================

  437. A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke and that the joke is oneself.
  438. ================================

  439. A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
  440. ================================

  441. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
  442. ================================

  443. I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
  444. ================================

  445. If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.
  446. ================================

  447. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
  448. ================================
  449. If I have not seen as far as others, it is because there were giants standing on my shoulders.
  450. ================================
  451. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
  452. ================================

  453. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
  454. ================================

  455. There are three sides of an arguement — your side, my side and the right side.
  456. ================================

  457. The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
  458. ================================
  459. Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life’s absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
  460. ================================
  461. Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
  462. ================================

  463. All generalizations are false, including this one.
  464. ================================

  465. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.
  466. ================================

  467. A well developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
  468. ================================
  469. The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
  470. ================================

  471. Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
  472. ================================
  473. Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
  474. ================================

  475. Where humor is concerned there are no standards no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
  476. ================================

  477. A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
  478. ================================

  479. Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

  480. ================================

  481. Never ask a drunk man a question because he will tell you the truth.
  482. ================================
  483. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
  484. ================================
  485. If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.
  486. ================================

  487. Man was predestined to have free will.
  488. ================================
  489. Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
  490. ================================
  491. Have no fear of perfection you’ll never reach it.
  492. ================================

  493. There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  494. ================================

  495. If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
  496. ================================

  497. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
  498. ================================
  499. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  500. ================================
  501. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
  502. ================================

  503. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
  504. ================================
  505. A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
  506. ================================
  507. Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming.
  508. ================================

  509. A onion a day keeps everyone away.
  510. ================================

  511. No one is listening until you fart.
  512. ================================

  513. If you believe everything you read, better not read.
  514. ================================1

  515. She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
  516. ================================

  517. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  518. ================================

  519. He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
  520. ================================

  521. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  522. ================================

  523. I failed Math so may times I can’t even count.
  524. ================================
  525. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
  526. ================================

  527. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
  528. ================================

  529. I guess a drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.
  530. ================================

  531. I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
  532. ================================

  533. Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
  534. ================================
  535. Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
  536. ================================
  537. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.
  538. ================================
  539. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
  540. ================================

  541. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
  542. ================================

  543. Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse.
  544. ================================
  545. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
  546. ================================
  547. It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.
  548. ================================

  549. An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
  550. ================================

  551. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together.The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.
  552. ================================

  553. Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years,only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
  554. ================================

  555. I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
  556. ================================

  557. Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.
  558. ================================
  559. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

  560. ================================

  561. Murphy was an optimist.
  562. ================================
  563. Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
  564. ================================

  565. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  566. ================================

  567. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
  568. ================================

  569. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  570. ================================1

  571. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
  572. ================================

  573. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
  574. ================================

  575. My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with me.
  576. ================================

  577. When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
  578. ================================

  579. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  580. ================================

  581. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  582. ================================

  583. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  584. ================================
  585. Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
  586. ================================

  587. A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
  588. ================================

  589. You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
  590. ================================
  591. Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
  592. ================================
  593. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  594. ================================
  595. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
  596. ================================
  597. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
  598. ================================
  599. Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
  600. ================================

  601. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
  602. ================================

  603. Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
  604. ================================

  605. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
  606. ================================

  607. I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
  608. ================================

  609. If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
  610. ================================

  611. Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
  612. ================================
  613. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
  614. ================================

  615. I usually need a can of beer to prime me.
  616. ================================

  617. You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
  618. ================================

  619. There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
  620. ================================

  621. There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters. I could be their leader.
  622. ================================

  623. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
  624. ================================
  625. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
  626. ================================
  627. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
  628. ================================

  629. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
  630. ================================

  631. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
  632. ================================

  633. A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
  634. ================================
  635. One should love animals. They are so tasty.
  636. ================================

  637. Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.
  638. ================================

  639. The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

  640. ================================

  641. Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
  642. ================================

  643. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
  644. ================================

  645. If you are going through hell, keep going.
  646. ================================

  647. Never invest your mo@ney in anything that eats or needs painting.
  648. ================================

  649. My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
  650. ================================

  651. The best way to get a@ puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
  652. ================================

  653. Anyone who has been to an @English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
  654. ================================

  655. By all means marry; if you @get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
  656. ================================
  657. The way Indian @wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
  658. ================================

  659. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
  660. ================================

  661. I want to s@ee a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.
  662. ================================

  663. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
  664. ================================

  665. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
  666. ================================

  667. The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
  668. ================================

  669. Money can’t buy love, but it @improves your bargaining position.
  670. ================================

  671. I don’t excercise. If God h@ad wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
  672. ================================
  673. The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
  674. ================================
  675. Why don’t they make t@he whole plane out of that black box stuff.
  676. ================================

  677. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  678. ================================

  679. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
  680. ================================
  681. I’m gonna put a @curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked.
  682. ================================
  683. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck.
  684. ================================
  685. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
  686. ================================
  687. A bus is a vehi@cle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  688. ================================
  689. No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
  690. ================================

  691. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  692. ================================

  693. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  694. ================================

  695. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
  696. ================================
  697. Eggs have no business dancing with stones.
  698. ================================
  699. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  700. ================================
  701. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  702. ================================
  703. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
  704. ================================
  705. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  706. ================================

  707. If the world were ruled by women @then there would be no war, just couple of nations not talking with each other.
  708. ================================

  709. My notion of a wife at forty is @that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
  710. ================================
  711. The average woman would @rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  712. ================================

  713. Pessimist : A person who @says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
  714. ================================

  715. Where lipstick is concern@ed, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  716. ================================

  717. The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
  718. ================================

  719. Good girls go to heaven, bad gir@ls go everywhere.

  720. ================================

  721. Girls have an unfair advantage o@ver men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
  722. ================================
  723. Real stupidity beats artificial i@ntelligence every time.
  724. ================================

  725. Who says nothing is im@possible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  726. ================================
  727. If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher.
  728. ================================

  729. Women will forgive a@nything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
  730. ================================

  731. The only way to m@ake your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
  732. ================================

  733. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
  734. ================================

  735. Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
  736. ================================

  737. I would love to change the world, but t@hey won’t give me the source code.
  738. –================================

  739. The only difference betw@@een me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
  740. ================================

  741. A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.
  742. ================================

  743. Love is the only kind@ of fire which is never covered by insurance.
  744. ================================

  745. Careful with that l@ight at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.
  746. ================================
  747. Marry for money, @my little sonny, a rich man’s joke is always funny.
  748. ================================

  749. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
  750. ================================
  751. Every mother hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did, and is convinced that her son @will never find a wife as good as his father did.
  752. ================================

  753. Being a woman has only bothered me in climbing trees.
  754. ================================
  755. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
  756. ================================
  757. People compare cheating to ice because they think its cool.
  758. ================================

  759. Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.
  760. ================================

  761. A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.
  762. ================================

  763. A baby sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars’ worth of your food.
  764. ================================

  765. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
  766. ================================
  767. Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
  768. ================================
  769. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
  770. ================================
  771. Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
  772. ================================

  773. How many people here h@ave telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
  774. ================================
  775. Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
  776. ================================

  777. I had a dream last ni@ght, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
  778. ================================

  779. I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
  780. ================================
  781. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
  782. ================================
  783. Girls bored me, t@hey still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.
  784. ================================

  785. When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
  786. ================================

  787. A line is a dot that went for a walk.
  788. ================================

  789. It’s ki@nd of fun to do the impossible.
  790. ================================

  791. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  792. ================================
  793. There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
  794. ================================

  795. I love u for pleasure…….If u want loyalty hire a dog
  796. ================================
  797. A photographer & pessimist r the two people who always think abut negatives
  798. ================================

  799. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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