Shayari Hi Shayari-Images Download,Dard Ishq,Love,Zindagi, Yaadein, Funny,New Year Sms love hindi shayari images download,happy new year shayari images download hindi 2018 ,Ghazal 2018.

Funny Quotes New Best whatsapp


  1. I’ve got problem for your solution.
  2. ================================
  3. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
  4. ================================

  5. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
  6. ================================

  7. It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
  8. ================================

  9. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
  10. ================================

  11. The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
  12. ================================

  13. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
  14. ================================

  15. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  16. ================================

  17. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
  18. ================================
  19. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
  20. ================================
  21. Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
  22. ================================

  23. If more than one Mouse is Mice then more than one Spouse is SPICE..!!
  24. ================================

  25. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
  26. ================================
  27. Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
  28. ================================
  29. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
  30. ================================
  31. If it begins with a wink, it can end with a slap.
  32. ================================

  33. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
  34. ================================
  35. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
  36. ================================
  37. I can resist everything except temptation.
  38. ================================

  39. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
  40. ================================

  41. Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
  42. ================================

  43. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
  44. ================================

  45. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
  46. ================================

  47. My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
  48. ================================

  49. It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
  50. ================================
  51. You never learn anything by doing it right.
  52. ================================
  53. To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
  54. ================================

  55. The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
  56. ================================
  57. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
  58. ================================
  59. Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
  60. ================================
  61. Avoid hangovers stay drunk.
  62. ================================

  63. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  64. ================================

  65. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
  66. ================================

  67. To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
  68. ================================
  69. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
  70. ================================
  71. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
  72. ================================

  73. I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone’s golf game. It’s called an eraser.
  74. ================================

  75. I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.
  76. ================================

  77. Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
  78. ================================
  79. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.


  80. ================================

  81. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
  82. ================================

  83. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
  84. ================================

  85. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
  86. ================================

  87. I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
  88. ================================
  89. The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
  90. ================================

  91. It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
  92. ================================

  93. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
  94. ================================

  95. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
  96. ================================

  97. Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
  98. ================================

  99. The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
  100. ================================
  101. Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
  102. ================================

  103. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
  104. ================================

  105. You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.
  106. ================================

  107. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
  108. –================================

  109. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  110. ================================
  111. Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
  112. ================================
  113. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  114. ================================

  115. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
  116. ================================

  117. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  118. ================================

  119. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  120. ================================

  121. Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
  122. ================================

  123. After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
  124. ================================
  125. Boys are like bubble gum, sweet in the beginning, but dull in the end! 😀
  126. ================================

  127. I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.
  128. ================================

  129. The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
  130. ================================

  131. Women Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
  132. ================================

  133. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
  134. ================================

  135. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
  136. ================================

  137. Most women are not as young as they are painted.
  138. ================================
  139. You can’t be late until you show up.
  140. ================================

  141. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
  142. ================================

  143. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
  144. ================================

  145. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
  146. ================================

  147. Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
  148. ================================

  149. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
  150. ================================

  151. What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
  152. ================================

  153. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
  154. ================================

  155. I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
  156. ================================
  157. There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.
  158. ================================

  159. Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
  160. ================================
  161. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
  162. ================================
  163. Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
  164. ================================

  165. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
  166. ================================

  167. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of. Lord only knows.
  168. ================================

  169. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
  170. ================================
  171. Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
  172. ================================
  173. I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
  174. ================================

  175. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
  176. ================================

  177. I like my whiskey old and my women young.
  178. ================================

  179. No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
  180. ================================

  181. It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
  182. ================================
  183. Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
  184. ================================

  185. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  186. ================================
  187. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
  188. ================================

  189. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
  190. ================================

  191. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
  192. ================================

  193. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
  194. ================================

  195. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  196. ================================

  197. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  198. ================================

  199. I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
  200. ================================
  201. Operator, give me the number for 911!
  202. ================================

  203. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  204. ================================
  205. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  206. ================================
  207. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  208. ================================

  209. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
  210. ================================

  211. A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
  212. ================================

  213. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
  214. ================================
  215. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
  216. ================================

  217. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
  218. ================================
  219. Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
  220. ================================
  221. If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
  222. ================================
  223. Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
  224. ================================
  225. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
  226. ================================
  227. When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
  228. ================================
  229. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
  230. ================================
  231. You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
  232. ================================
  233. Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
  234. ================================

  235. It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
  236. ================================

  237. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  238. ================================

  239. I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.


  240. ================================
  241. When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
  242. ================================
  243. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  244. ================================
  245. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
  246. ================================

  247. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  248. ================================

  249. A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
  250. ================================

  251. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
  252. ================================
  253. A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
  254. ================================
  255. The True Man wants 2 things: DANGER & PLAY. For that reason he wants Woman, as the Most Dangerous Plaything.
  256. ================================

  257. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  258. ================================
  259. Marriage is tricky; you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.
  260. ================================
  261. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
  262. ================================

  263. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
  264. ================================
  265. I speak two languages, Body and English.
  266. ================================
  267. My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
  268. ================================

  269. God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls could flirt.
  270. ================================

  271. Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
  272. ================================
  273. The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
  274. ================================

  275. Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
  276. ================================
  277. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
  278. ================================
  279. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
  280. ================================
  281. I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
  282. ================================

  283. Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
  284. ================================

  285. It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
  286. ================================
  287. Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
  288. ================================
  289. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  290. ================================
  291. Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
  292. ================================

  293. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  294. ================================
  295. The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
  296. –================================
  297. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn’t met me yet.
  298. ================================

  299. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
  300. ================================

  301. I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
  302. ================================

  303. I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
  304. ================================
  305. Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
  306. ================================
  307. People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.
  308. ================================

  309. In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
  310. ================================

  311. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
  312. ================================

  313. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
  314. ================================

  315. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
  316. ================================
  317. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
  318. ================================

  319. No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.

  320. ================================

  321. Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
  322. ================================

  323. Life is just one damned thing after another.
  324. ================================
  325. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
  326. ================================
  327. A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
  328. ================================
  329. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
  330. ================================
  331. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
  332. ================================

  333. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
  334. ================================

  335. China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
  336. ================================

  337. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
  338. ================================
  339. That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
  340. ================================

  341. When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
  342. ================================
  343. Never accept a drink from a urologist.
  344. ================================

  345. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
  346. ================================

  347. The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
  348. ================================

  349. You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
  350. ================================

  351. Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
  352. ================================

  353. The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
  354. ================================
  355. It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
  356. ================================

  357. By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
  358. ================================
  359. With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
  360. ================================

  361. He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
  362. ================================

  363. When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
  364. ================================

  365. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
  366. ================================

  367. A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
  368. ================================

  369. Happy birthday. I guess we’ve reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by “for someone your age.
  370. ================================

  371. The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
  372. ================================

  373. The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.
  374. ================================

  375. The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
  376. ================================

  377. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
  378. ================================
  379. Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
  380. ================================
  381. Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
  382. ================================
  383. He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
  384. ================================
  385. The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
  386. ================================
  387. I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
  388. ================================

  389. Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
  390. ================================
  391. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
  392. ================================
  393. My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
  394. ================================
  395. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
  396. ================================
  397. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
  398. ================================
  399. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

  400. ================================

  401. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
  402. ================================

  403. I told a chemistry joke few days back. It didn’t get a reaction.
  404. ================================
  405. Humor is reason gone mad.
  406. ================================
  407. A joke is a very serious thing.
  408. ================================

  409. Life’s a gamble and I’m calling its bluff.
  410. ================================

  411. Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
  412. ================================

  413. A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn’t pee on his hands.
  414. ================================

  415. Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
  416. ================================

  417. A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
  418. ================================

  419. The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].
  420. ================================

  421. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
  422. ================================

  423. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
  424. ================================
  425. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
  426. ================================

  427. My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
  428. ================================

  429. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
  430. ================================

  431. I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
  432. ================================
  433. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
  434. ================================

  435. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  436. ================================

  437. A sense of humor is the ability to understand a joke and that the joke is oneself.
  438. ================================

  439. A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
  440. ================================

  441. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
  442. ================================

  443. I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
  444. ================================

  445. If there is a “WILL”, there are 500 relatives.
  446. ================================

  447. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
  448. ================================
  449. If I have not seen as far as others, it is because there were giants standing on my shoulders.
  450. ================================
  451. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
  452. ================================

  453. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
  454. ================================

  455. There are three sides of an arguement — your side, my side and the right side.
  456. ================================

  457. The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
  458. ================================
  459. Humor is our way of defending ourselves from life’s absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
  460. ================================
  461. Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
  462. ================================

  463. All generalizations are false, including this one.
  464. ================================

  465. A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.
  466. ================================

  467. A well developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
  468. ================================
  469. The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
  470. ================================

  471. Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
  472. ================================
  473. Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
  474. ================================

  475. Where humor is concerned there are no standards no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
  476. ================================

  477. A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
  478. ================================

  479. Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

  480. ================================


  481. Never ask a drunk man a question because he will tell you the truth.
  482. ================================
  483. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
  484. ================================
  485. If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.
  486. ================================

  487. Man was predestined to have free will.
  488. ================================
  489. Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
  490. ================================
  491. Have no fear of perfection you’ll never reach it.
  492. ================================

  493. There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  494. ================================

  495. If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
  496. ================================

  497. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
  498. ================================
  499. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  500. ================================
  501. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
  502. ================================

  503. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
  504. ================================
  505. A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
  506. ================================
  507. Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming.
  508. ================================

  509. A onion a day keeps everyone away.
  510. ================================

  511. No one is listening until you fart.
  512. ================================

  513. If you believe everything you read, better not read.
  514. ================================1

  515. She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
  516. ================================

  517. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  518. ================================

  519. He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
  520. ================================

  521. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
  522. ================================

  523. I failed Math so may times I can’t even count.
  524. ================================
  525. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
  526. ================================

  527. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
  528. ================================

  529. I guess a drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.
  530. ================================

  531. I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
  532. ================================

  533. Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
  534. ================================
  535. Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
  536. ================================
  537. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.
  538. ================================
  539. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
  540. ================================

  541. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
  542. ================================

  543. Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse.
  544. ================================
  545. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
  546. ================================
  547. It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.
  548. ================================

  549. An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
  550. ================================

  551. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together.The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.
  552. ================================

  553. Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years,only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
  554. ================================

  555. I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
  556. ================================

  557. Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.
  558. ================================
  559. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.


  560. ================================

  561. Murphy was an optimist.
  562. ================================
  563. Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
  564. ================================

  565. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
  566. ================================

  567. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
  568. ================================

  569. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  570. ================================1

  571. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
  572. ================================

  573. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
  574. ================================

  575. My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with me.
  576. ================================

  577. When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
  578. ================================

  579. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
  580. ================================

  581. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  582. ================================

  583. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  584. ================================
  585. Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
  586. ================================

  587. A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
  588. ================================

  589. You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
  590. ================================
  591. Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
  592. ================================
  593. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  594. ================================
  595. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
  596. ================================
  597. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
  598. ================================
  599. Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
  600. ================================

  601. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
  602. ================================

  603. Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
  604. ================================

  605. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
  606. ================================

  607. I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
  608. ================================

  609. If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
  610. ================================

  611. Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
  612. ================================
  613. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
  614. ================================

  615. I usually need a can of beer to prime me.
  616. ================================

  617. You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
  618. ================================

  619. There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
  620. ================================

  621. There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters. I could be their leader.
  622. ================================

  623. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
  624. ================================
  625. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
  626. ================================
  627. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
  628. ================================

  629. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
  630. ================================

  631. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
  632. ================================

  633. A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
  634. ================================
  635. One should love animals. They are so tasty.
  636. ================================

  637. Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.
  638. ================================

  639. The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

  640. ================================

  641. Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
  642. ================================

  643. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
  644. ================================

  645. If you are going through hell, keep going.
  646. ================================

  647. Never invest your mo@ney in anything that eats or needs painting.
  648. ================================

  649. My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
  650. ================================

  651. The best way to get a@ puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
  652. ================================

  653. Anyone who has been to an @English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
  654. ================================

  655. By all means marry; if you @get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
  656. ================================
  657. The way Indian @wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
  658. ================================

  659. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
  660. ================================

  661. I want to s@ee a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.
  662. ================================

  663. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
  664. ================================

  665. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
  666. ================================

  667. The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
  668. ================================

  669. Money can’t buy love, but it @improves your bargaining position.
  670. ================================

  671. I don’t excercise. If God h@ad wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
  672. ================================
  673. The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
  674. ================================
  675. Why don’t they make t@he whole plane out of that black box stuff.
  676. ================================

  677. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
  678. ================================

  679. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
  680. ================================
  681. I’m gonna put a @curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked.
  682. ================================
  683. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck.
  684. ================================
  685. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
  686. ================================
  687. A bus is a vehi@cle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  688. ================================
  689. No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
  690. ================================

  691. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  692. ================================

  693. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  694. ================================

  695. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
  696. ================================
  697. Eggs have no business dancing with stones.
  698. ================================
  699. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  700. ================================
  701. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  702. ================================
  703. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
  704. ================================
  705. I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  706. ================================

  707. If the world were ruled by women @then there would be no war, just couple of nations not talking with each other.
  708. ================================

  709. My notion of a wife at forty is @that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
  710. ================================
  711. The average woman would @rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  712. ================================

  713. Pessimist : A person who @says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
  714. ================================

  715. Where lipstick is concern@ed, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  716. ================================

  717. The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
  718. ================================

  719. Good girls go to heaven, bad gir@ls go everywhere.

  720. ================================


  721. Girls have an unfair advantage o@ver men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
  722. ================================
  723. Real stupidity beats artificial i@ntelligence every time.
  724. ================================

  725. Who says nothing is im@possible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  726. ================================
  727. If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher.
  728. ================================

  729. Women will forgive a@nything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
  730. ================================

  731. The only way to m@ake your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
  732. ================================

  733. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
  734. ================================

  735. Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
  736. ================================

  737. I would love to change the world, but t@hey won’t give me the source code.
  738. –================================

  739. The only difference betw@@een me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
  740. ================================

  741. A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.
  742. ================================

  743. Love is the only kind@ of fire which is never covered by insurance.
  744. ================================

  745. Careful with that l@ight at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.
  746. ================================
  747. Marry for money, @my little sonny, a rich man’s joke is always funny.
  748. ================================

  749. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
  750. ================================
  751. Every mother hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did, and is convinced that her son @will never find a wife as good as his father did.
  752. ================================

  753. Being a woman has only bothered me in climbing trees.
  754. ================================
  755. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
  756. ================================
  757. People compare cheating to ice because they think its cool.
  758. ================================

  759. Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.
  760. ================================

  761. A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.
  762. ================================

  763. A baby sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars’ worth of your food.
  764. ================================

  765. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
  766. ================================
  767. Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
  768. ================================
  769. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
  770. ================================
  771. Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
  772. ================================

  773. How many people here h@ave telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
  774. ================================
  775. Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
  776. ================================

  777. I had a dream last ni@ght, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
  778. ================================

  779. I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
  780. ================================
  781. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
  782. ================================
  783. Girls bored me, t@hey still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.
  784. ================================

  785. When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
  786. ================================

  787. A line is a dot that went for a walk.
  788. ================================

  789. It’s ki@nd of fun to do the impossible.
  790. ================================

  791. When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  792. ================================
  793. There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
  794. ================================

  795. I love u for pleasure…….If u want loyalty hire a dog
  796. ================================
  797. A photographer & pessimist r the two people who always think abut negatives
  798. ================================

  799. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!




No comments:

Post a Comment