Funny Quotes Sms New2017


  • The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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  • Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone
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  • If you live to be one hund~red, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
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  • Everything I like is eithe~r illegal, immoral or fattening.
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  • I'm for whatever gets y~ou through the night.
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  • California is a fine place~ to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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  • Progress might ha~ve been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
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  • I can speak Esperanto like a native.
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  • The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
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  • One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
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  • I own and operate a ferocious ego.
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  • I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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  • I hate housework! You ma~ke the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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  • If you're going to do some~thing tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
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  • This suspense is ter~rible. I hope it will last.
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  • Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
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  • Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
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  • If I knew for a ce~rtainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.
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  • Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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  • Society is like a stew. If y~ou don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.
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  • Never have more childr~en than you have car windows.
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  • The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
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  • Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution
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  • A committee is a grou~p that keeps minutes and loses hours.
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  • It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
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  • How many people ~here h~ave telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
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  • I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
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  • I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
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  • If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
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  • A word to the wise is infuriating.
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  • One of the disadvantages of win~e is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
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  • I've always wanted to go to Swi~tzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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  • We owe a lot to Thomas E~dison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
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  • If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
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  • Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
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  • He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
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  • If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk
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  • I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them
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  • That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard
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  • The reason there are two~ senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
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  • The best measure of a man'~s honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
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  • Memories are like mul~ligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
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  • Every dogma has its day.
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  • Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
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  • Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
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  • A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
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  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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  • Nobody ever went broke u~nderestimating the taste of the American public.
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  • You can always tell when~ a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
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  • O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
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  • My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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  • All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
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  • If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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  • If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
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  • If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
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  • Christopher Columbus, as ~everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
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  • Thinking is one thing no ~one has ever been able to tax.
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  • Thinking is one thing ~no one has ever been able to tax.
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  • I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
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  • When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
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  • When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
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  • I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.
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  • I saw a stationery sto~re move.
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  • A child of five would~ understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
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  • y definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone R~anger.
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  • There are lots of pe~ople who mistake their imagination for their memory.
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  • I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
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  • It's amazing that the am~ount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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  • Electricity is really just o~rganized lightning.
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  • I never expected to see the day~ when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
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  • I was eating in a Chinese re~staurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
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  • I have a new philosophy. ~I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
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  • If it weren't for Philo ~T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.~
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  • Lead us not into tem~ptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
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