Funny Quotes Status2017


  • There’s nothing to fear. Except maybe that weird guy over there.

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  • You don’t need ~a parachute to sky dive, you need a parachute to sky ~dive twice. You’re never too old to learn something stupid. We never really g~row up, we only learn how to act in public.

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  • Whoever said words don’t hurt never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

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  • There’s no vaccine against stupid.

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  • Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.

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  • Homework kills trees.
  • So don’t do homework.


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  • To do is to be. – Socrates To be is to do. – Sartre Do be do be do. – Frank Sinatra

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  • Every person tells minimum of 4 lies per day so approx 1490 lies a year! and the most common and favorite lies are I am fine and I was very busy…

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  • Well if life does not give you water and sugar to~o, your lemonade is going to suck!

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  • I’m not afraid of death, I just don’t wanna be~ there when it happens.

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  • Insult: If you’re dating an idiot, you have found your perfect match.

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  • If you can’t impress anyone with your intelligence confuse them with your bulls

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  • How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

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  • If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don’t have it. What is it? A secret. Duh!

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  • Students are the only costumers who don’t want wha~t they paid for.

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  • Hahahahaha! I can’t believe you just tripped an~d fell over nothing!” “What do you mean? I was just testing gravity…it works

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  • It has come to my attention, that air poll~ution is polluting the air!

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  • If the world really ends in 2012, I wasted my whole life in school.

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  • The more I study, the more I know, the more I know, the more I forget, the more I forget, the less I know so why study?

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  • I put the pro in procrastination.
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  • Boy: Hi Girl: Hi Boy: I like someone.. Girl: Who?!! Boy: She looks just like you… Girl: OMG! You like me? I like you too… Boy: Oh no. I like your..sister

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  • The party in hell, has been canceled due to th~e fire.

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  • Bungee jumping is suicide with strings at~tached!


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  • When I have children I am going to make them w~atch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that like a Boss!

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  • I saw a bug then I thought of you so I stepped on it

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  • Don’t kiss by the garden gate, Love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t

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  • A tattoo is a permanent reminder~ of temporary insanity.

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  • My sex life is like a Ferrari…I don’t have a Ferrari.

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  • Without my driver’s license, you’ll just have to believe the age I tell you.

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  • Every time I see a math word problem it looks like this: If I have 10 ice cubes and you have 11 apples. How many pancakes will fit ~on the roof? Answer: Purple~because aliens don’t wear hats.

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  • What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous…? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired.. I put the mirror down. 

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  • When life gives you lemons, ask why…cos I don’t get it.

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  • I’ll be back in 5 minutes. If I’m not read the first sentence again.

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  • Weather forecast for tonight: dark
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  • Killer Attitude” Teacher : why are you la~te? – – – – – – Student : Does it really matter? You still get paid 

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  • Why would life give you lemon…life is not a lemon tree

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  • Why do people pay to go up tall bu~ildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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  • Chocolate is the answer, who cares what the question is.

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  • Dear Algebra, Quit asking us to find your ‘x’, she’s not coming back! Love, Me. P.S. And don’t ask me ‘y’ either.

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  • Make it idiot- proof, and someone will m~ake a better idiot

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  • Hitting the gym to release stress is not n~early as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress to begin with.

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  • Despite the cost of living it’s still quite popular.

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  • Mother In Law, an anagram of, Woman Hitler

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  • A boomerang is just a Frisbee for people that don’t have any friends.

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  • I told my mom that my house was her house and she yelled at me, “Get of my property

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  • To be honest…I’m a lia

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  • I’m a pretty clever guy. For example, my userna~me and password are always the same, just in case I forget either.

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  • Things on my “To do” list: Put vanilla pudding in a mayonnaise jar and eat it in public. Ask someone in a store what year it is and when t~hey reply yell, “I did it!” and run out. When in a crowded elevator, ask everyone, “I bet you are wondering why I have gathered you here today”.

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  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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  • The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

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  • Four out of three people have a hard time de~aling with fractions.

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  • Did you fall? No I attacked the floor… Bac~kwards? I’m just that talented.

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  • Why do people try park as close as the~ can to the entrance when they go to the gym to work out?

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  • I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep. 
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  • Procrastination, I’ll think of something witty to say about it later.

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  • We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

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  • I’ve said it a million times, I never exaggerate.

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  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try ~missing a couple of payments.

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  • I’m not laughing because you’re my brother, I’m l~aughing because there’s nothing you can do about it.

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  • They say,”Guns don’t kill pe~ople. People kill people.” well, I think the guns help! Because if you stood there and yelled BANG, I don’t think you’d k~ill too many people.

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  • People say that I’m indecisive, but…I don’t know if I am, well maybe.

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  • I’m confused… Wait, maybe I’m not…

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  • 80% of all people can’t do simple mathematics. Okay, but what about the 40% who can.

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  • Pans…can be used as weapons or shields.
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  • Even Barbie is not perfect.. I snapped~ off her leg.

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  • Selfishness: Lack of consideration for the se~lfishness of others.

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  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with b~attery. Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from.

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  • 14 Year Old: Santa isn’t real! 6 Year Old:~ Neither is Edward Cullen! Guess who ran away crying.:p

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  • Dear Yahoo, You never hear anybod~y say “Lets Yahoo it”, just saying. Sincerely, Google.

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  • Never under any circ~umstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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  • When all else fails, read the directions.

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  • How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.

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  • Age is just a number? Yeah and weed is just a plant!

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  • Regular naps prevent old age, especially when you take them while driving a car. I believe that we should play our taxes with a smile…I tried but they wanted cash.

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  • From great power comes a great electricity bill.

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  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night

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  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

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  • I hate how when I read in my head I sound like a pro, but when I read out loud I sound like an idiot.

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  • Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.

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  • Two things are infinite : the universe and human stupidity; I’m not sure about the universe.

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  • When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

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  • It’s funny when a dare devil blasts past you in the traffic when you’re just cruising and when you pull up to the traffic lights you’re next to him

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  • I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. On my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.

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  • All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of potato chips

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  • Funny how stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

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  • A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I forgot.

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  • Define unfair advantage? Um…a crocodile in a smiling contest.

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  • If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

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  • If Microsoft buys Facebook. Than the first notification we will get will be: “You have to install driver to add friends

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  • I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.

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  • I don’t want to look at the bright side. It’ll hurt my eye.

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  • Common sense is the sense rarely found in common people.

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  • A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

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  • Don’t you find it strange that doctors call what they do “practice”?

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  • If life gave Lady Gaga lemons, she would make an outfit out of them.

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  • School is like a prison. But they won’t let you out early for good behavior.

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  • When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk ~for a year and a half.

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  • Poor : When you have too much month at the end~ of your money.

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  • Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the~ alarm woke me up

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  • When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered i~f God is playing angry birds with you?

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  • Alcohol – Because no great story every started with someo~ne eating a salad.

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  • Make up can ~make you beautiful on the outside. It ~wont work if your ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

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  • Don’t trouble the trouble unless the trouble troubles you…if you trouble the trouble ..the trouble will double trouble you.

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  • Everything is legal. Un~til you get caught.
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  • It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of som~ething stupid to say and then don’t say it.

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  • Once, during Prohibiti~on, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

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  • I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

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  • There is a light at the end of every tunnel…just pray it’s not a train!.

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  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

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  • Be the kind of woman that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, the devils says “Oh no she’s up.

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  • Don’t be so humble – you a~re not that great.

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  • I have great faith in f~ools; self- confidence my friends call it.

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  • There are ~two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. A~nd the others are men.

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  • I still have a b~eautiful figure… Under couple of la~yers of cholesterol 

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  • Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again 

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  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

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  • The most dangerous person is a mailman becoming a hitman, he knows where you live.

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  • Google~: I have everything. !! Facebo~ok: I know everyone. ! Tweeter: I know what you guys think!! Internet: Gosh!!!w/out me. !!you guys are ~nothing

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  • I’m giving you a definite maybe.

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  • I know only two tunes. One of them~ is “Yankee Doodle” and the other isn’t.

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  • Yes, females do pursue me (if you count mosquitoes).

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  • This project is so importan~t that we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. Winter related injuries occur more often in wi~nter.

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  • Life is too short to remove the USB device safely.

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  • Never give loan to your friends, Other~wise you will lose both.

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  • Some days you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue.

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  • Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think! The only advantage of exercising is that you die ~healthy. There’s only one thing common in all human beings:they’re all different!

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  • Think if man evolved from monkeys then why do~ we still have monkeys?

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  • They say that 1 ou~t of every 5 people in the United States is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so 1 of them is Chinese. It’s either me (Be~n), my mom (Amy), my dad (mark), my brother (Keith), or my adopted brother (Long Hai). I think it’s Keith.

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  • All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

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  • Everyone has a photographic memory… Some just don’t have film.

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  • I would take a bomb, but I can’t sta~nd the noise.

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  • I hope life isn’t a joke, becau~se I don’t get it.

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  • Who needs rhetorical qu~estions?

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  • I’ll bet you one dollar y~ou’ll read this.

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  • Some say the glass is ~half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?

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  • Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.

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  • A good man is hard to find. A good midget is ever harder to find…especially in a large crowd.

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  • The trouble with quotes on the int~ernet is that you never know if they are genuine.

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  • Follow your dreams…except fo~r that one where you’re naked at work.

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  • If Facebook ruins relationship~s then guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk & spoons make~ you fat.

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  • I didn’t fall, the floor just~ needed a hug.

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  • I live in my own wor~ld, but it’s cool, everyone knows me here!

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  • Parents spend th~e first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

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  • Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!

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  • Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

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  • Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

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  • Music is my drug, YouTube is my dealer.
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  • To be old and wise you first must be young and stupid, that’s my excuse.

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  • Wear Short Sleeves! Support the right to bear arms!

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  • People don’t grow up. They just learn how to act in public.

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  • If at first you don’t succeed, give up and let someone else do it. If in doubt, Google it.

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  • Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

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  • Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light

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  • Most people are only alive bec~ause it is illegal to shoot them

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  • It’s not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

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  • The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU are “Salary is Credited

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  • Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.

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  • I’ve got problem for your solution…

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  • If a single teacher can’t teach all t~he subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.

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  • I hate how after an argument ~I think of more clever things I should have said.

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  • Today’s Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.

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  • When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.

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  • When ever you can afford to get married. Buy yourself a sports car.

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  • Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

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  • I hope I didn’t brain my damage.

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  • To find out a girl’s fault, praise her to her girl friends.

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  • Don’t try to be different, just be good. Because now a d~ays just being good is different enough.

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  • If there was a 3% stupidity tax, our Country’s budget deficit would~ be gone before the next fiscal tax season. Husba~nd and wife drive b~ a farm, and see cows grazing. Husband says “relatives”, and the wife responds “yes, in laws”.

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  • An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

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  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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  • I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink~, I get drunk, I pass out, NO PROBLEM!

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  • An apple a day will keep anyone away~ if thrown hard enough.

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  • Let husband and wife neve~r speak to one another in loud tones,unless the house is on fire.

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  • They said the world is going to end this year…Pssh They can barely predict the weather.

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  • If you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you should probably water your lawn.

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  • If someone says that you drawing looks ugly, say I didn’t mean to draw you.

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  • I’m not lying, I just forgot the truth.
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  • I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.

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  • A baby monkey asks hi~s father thus; father, why are we so ugly? The father says: don’t stress my son, you should see the one read~ing this text.

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  • One thing you are sure you will do for t~he rest of your life: Pull the door that says push.

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  • I don’t understand why funeral~ has the word “Fun” in it.

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  • Whatever it is – I didn’t do it!

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  • I’m not crazy. Just imaginative.
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  • When in doubt make something up so you don’t look like a fool.

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  • Business is the art of extracting money~ from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.

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  • During surgery: “God perform~s miracles. I don’t.”

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  • I never run with scissors. T~hose last two words were unnecessary.

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  • I save trees everyday~ by not doing my homework.
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  • My idea of multi- tasking is using a knife and fork at the same time.

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  • Are you free this weekend?… No, I’ll be expensive.

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  • I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not looking for change

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  • You call it immature, I call it ha~ving a good time. You call it a crime, I call it legal.. I didn’t get caught yet. Wanna see the rest of my dictionary?

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  • That moment of fear when ~you can’t get a ring off your finger.

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  • If nothing in life is ~free, why do they make samples!

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  • It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son – and another woman twenty minutes to make~ a fool of him.

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  • Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

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  • I have opinions of my own, stron~g opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.

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  • I have opinions of my own, stro~ng opinions, but I don’t always agree with them.

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  • The secret of life is honesty an~d fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

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  • When you stop making qu~otes about life giving you lemons, you will find true happiness in your life.

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  • The amount of peo~ple that confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

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  • Pulling a door that clearly said “Push”.
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  • I’m knot a b~onde! I’m knot, I’m knot, I’m knot!

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