jokes-married-life-2018


  • The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

  • My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

  • The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

  • Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • Wearing Husband Goggles
  • The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

  • My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”

  • Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…
  • A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

  • “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

  • “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

  • “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

  • Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Marriage Jokes
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  • A Real Gut-Buster
  • A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

  • “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

  • More: Corny Jokes, Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Marriage Jokes
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  • Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
  • I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

  • Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Why You Should Make Love Once A Year
  • A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

  • One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

  • The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Doctor Jokes, Marriage Jokes
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  • When Siri Slips
  • After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.”

  • Here’s what Siri sent: “You need 
to get back to work now; you have 
a has-been to support.”

  • John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

  • More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • Groucho Marx on Make Outs
  • Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

  • Groucho Marx

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Valentine’s Day Jokes
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  • Misreading the Signals
  • My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”

  • Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • Misfortune Cookie
  • After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

  • Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
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  • Bad Things to Tell Your Wife
  • A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years.

  • “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

  • “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

  • Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes
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  • Might Be The Wine Talking…
  • A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

  • “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

  • “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”

  • Submitted by Marvin Keeler, 
Salina, Kansas

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Will You Still Love Me?
  • Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

  • She answered, “I do.”

  • Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • Notable Never-isms
  • • Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford

  • • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine

  • • Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry

  • • Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck

  • • Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding

  • • Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

  • More: Funny Quotes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Political Jokes, Relationship Jokes
  •    
  • Sock it to Me
  • On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

  • She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

  • Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

  • Submitted by Justin Ezzi, 
Wilmington, California

  • More: Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes
  •    
  • Confessions of a Military Wife
  • My husband is infantry, and 
he said the most wonderful things 
to convince me to marry him:

  • • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day.

  • • I could have as many babies as 
I want because giving birth is free.

  • • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone.

  • Mollie Gross 
(molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions 
of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.

  • More: Marriage Jokes, Military Jokes, Relationship Jokes
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  • All Dolled Up
  • A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

  • “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

  • Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

  • “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

  • More: Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
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  • Every Marriage Needs A Spin Doctor
  • My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment.

  • Submitted by reader D. T.

  • More: Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Forever Late
  • After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Father of The Bribe
  • When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

  • My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

  • “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

  • “Two thousand.”

  • “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

  • “Five thousand!”

  • We eloped to Spain.

  • Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • Kids Marry The Darnedest Things
  • My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”

  • “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

  • “Then I’ll marry you.”

  • “You can’t marry me either.”

  • He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

  • “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.

  • Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California

  • More: Family Jokes, Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • A Familiar Patient
  • A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

  • The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

  • Submitted by Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

  • More: Doctor Jokes, Marriage Jokes, Relationship Jokes
  •    
  • A Home Affair
  • My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.

  • “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”

  • Patti Simkins, Columbus, Georgia

  • More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes
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  • Realistic Romantic Comedies
  • • When Harry Met Sally and 
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos

  • • Love Handles, Actually

  • • Runaway Bridal Expenses

  • —From humorlabs.com

  • More: Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
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  • Tailor-Made Quips
  • My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

  • “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

  • “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

  • —John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

  • More: Funny Stories, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • What About the Other Half?
  • As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”

  • —Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

  • More: Funny Stories, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • Why Marriage is Difficult
  • Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

  • —Richard Pryor

  • More: Funny Quotes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Culinary Adventure
  • I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

  • She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

  • I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

  • —Henny Youngman

  • More: Funny Quotes, Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • The Three Week Diet
  • A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

  • “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

  • He replies, “Two weeks.”

  • —Source: Funny in Canada Survey

  • More: Corny Jokes, Marriage Jokes
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  • Tweeter’s Digest: Just Chill
  • When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

  • @TheNardvark

  • Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

  • @RobinMcCauley

  • More: Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
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  • Exhibit A-Cup
  • A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

  • The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • In Your Dreams
  • On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

  • “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

  • That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

  • From reddit.com

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Home Insecurity
  • As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

  • I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

  • “What are you doing?” she asked.

  • “I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.”

  • Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

  • —Kurt Epps, Perth Amboy, New Jersey

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • How I Met Your Father
  • Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?”

  • “Not really,” I replied.

  • “Did you marry him for his money?”

  • “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.”

  • “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.”

  • —Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Facebook Love
  • My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Winning Numbers
  • Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

  • A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • One and Only
  • During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”

  • Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Love and Learning
  • Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • In Training
  • I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

  • More: Marriage Jokes, Sports Jokes
  •    
  • For the Mrs?
  • Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

  • “Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

  • “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

  • “Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • The Right Diagnosis
  • A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

  • “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”

  • The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • What's That Smell?
  • For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What’s this?" he asked.

  • "Guess," I said coyly.

  • "I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage."

  •  

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Years of Romance
  • Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

  • As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

  • When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Sailing vs. Shopping
  • After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

  • Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

  • As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • True Love
  • It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?"

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Usual Suspicions
  • After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

  • "You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

  • "What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

  • That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

  • "What are you doing?"

  • "Counting your ribs."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Reporting for Duty
  • A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

  • "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

  • "Why not?" I asked.

  • "Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

  • "So?"

  • "For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • The Birthday Present
  • On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.

  • "Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

  • Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Hearing Loss
  • I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

  • "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Right Answer
  • Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

  • He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

  • “You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

  • “So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

  • “Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Minor Procedure
  • As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days."

  • "Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

  • "I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Taking Turns
  • Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket.

  • Me: Paper or plastic?

  • Customer: I’d like double-bagged paper, and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.

  • Me: Okay.

  • Customer: In case you’re wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it’s my turn to pick up the groceries.

  • Me: Uh-huh.

  • Customer: It’s also her turn to unload the car.

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Working it Out
  • One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds."

  • "If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?" asked the second friend.

  • "I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Pick Me Up
  • I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: "You’re a great artist," "You’re a wonderful equestrian," "You’re the most beautiful woman I know."

  • One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. "How do I cheer up a horse?" I asked.

  • He shared his secret: "Tell her she’s good at stuff and that she looks beautiful."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • A Wrong Answer
  • While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.

  • "The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’"

  • "Monogamy," he answered.

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Here To Stay
  • A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?" he asked his friend.

  • "Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • For Richer and For Poorer
  • "When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!"

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Assumed Name
  • A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.

  • "I forgot your phone number," he said.

  • "You could’ve looked it up in the phone book."

  • "I didn’t know what name to look under."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Lightbulb
  • Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

  • A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

  • More: Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • In Trouble
  • Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."

  • That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.

  • "It’s late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?"

  • "Might as well," says Harry. "I’ll get in trouble if I go home."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Happy
  • My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.

  • "Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said.

  • "Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Doing Something Wrong
  • As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.

  • "What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.

  • He mumbled back, "I got married."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Reason for Visit
  • Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Love Letters
  • My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

  • "Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

  • "Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Too Many Cooks
  • A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

  • "Careful," he cries. "Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

  • The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

  • Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Relative Comfort
  • As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: "Move."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Waking Up
  • It took me forever to wake up one of my nursing home patients. But after much poking, prodding, and wrangling, he finally sat up and fixed his twinkling blue eyes on my face. "My, you’re pretty!" he said. "Have I asked you to marry me yet?"

  • "No, you haven’t," I gushed.

  • "Good. Because I couldn’t put up with this every morning."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Romantic Travel
  • When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man.

  • "I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man," my father said.

  • My mother mumbled, "I did."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
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  • Flirting Trouble
  • Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."

  • More: Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • The Best Sleep
  • I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

  • M⬃ore: Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • GPS
  • Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

  • Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

  • Friend #2: I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

  • Friend #⬺1: What’s a GPS override?

  • Friend #2: My wife.

  • More: Marriage Jokes
  •    
  • Relearning
  • Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, "Me too."

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  • Designated Driver
  • ⧭I turned to my father one night and said, "It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do yo⥤u account for that?" He replied, "I can’t drive."

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  •    
  • A Second Opinion Joke
  • My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

  • "That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

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  •    
  • Excuses
  • I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

  • "Get it," she said. "Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss."

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  •    
  • The Pearly Gates
  • The burial service for the elderly ⥤woman⬋ climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she’s there."

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  •    
  • Car Nut
  • My husb⥬and is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"

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  •    
  • Enduring Love
  • My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.

  • "It’s a term of endearment," I explained.

  • My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it’s a term of endurement."

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  • Once in a Lifetime
  • Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I’m renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I’ve reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.

  • Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn’t spend that much on my wedding."

  • My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings. But a prom you do only once."

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  •    
  • Subject to Approval
  • An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she’s home, $100."

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  • Proper Lighting
  • Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."

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  • Squeaky Wheel
  • The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

  • "That’s okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

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  •    
  • Marriage and Weight
  • How come married women are heavier than single women?

  • A⧫ single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.

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  •    
  • Marriage Secrets
  • When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry."

  • "That’s a great philosophy," I noted.

  • "Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days."

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  •    
  • Second Marriage
  • ‘If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

  • "Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"

  • "Would she live in my house?"

  • "It’s all paid up, so yes."

  • "Would she drive my car?"

  • "It’s new, so yes."

  • "Would she use my golf clubs?"

  • "No. She’s left-handed."

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  •    
  • Review and Repeat
  • ⧭When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that⧬ he was just as guilty.

  • "Allow me t⬻o clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."


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