- A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
- More: Food Jokes, One-Liners
- What’s the Quesa-deally-yo?
- I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
- Steve Martin
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words
- The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
- Gore Vidal
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
- All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
- Gordie Howe, hockey player
- More: One-Liners, Sports Jokes
- Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
- I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
- I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
- My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
- But I laugh more.
- More: One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
- Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
- When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
- —Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
- More: Mom Jokes, One-Liners
- If You Need Something Done Wrong…
- “Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”
- —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
- More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
- Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
- Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
- @ElizaBayne
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
- Never Lose A Tank
- When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
- Comedian Dick Gregory
- More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
- The Point of A Conference Call
- A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
- @DamienFahey
- More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
- Tim Siedell on The Revenant
- The Revenant (2015). An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar.
- @badbanana (Tim Siedell)
- More: One-Liners
- Nathan Usher on Luke Skywalker
- Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
- @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
- More: One-Liners
- Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her
- If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
- @LizHackett
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead
- Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
- @KarenKilgariff
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- The Problem With Scooby-Doo
- Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
- @SCbchbum (Erica)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Jenny Mollen Defines Drama
- Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people.
- @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)
- More: One-Liners
- Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:
- “If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
- Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
- More: One-Liners, Religious Jokes
- What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
- 1. Nice shirt.
- 2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
- 3. OK, first shirt again.
- 4. He has two shirts.
- @Ristolable
- More: One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
- Una LaMarche on Spring Fashion
- No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
- @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
- More: One-Liners, Weather Jokes
- Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
- Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night, day.
- Humorist Tom Parry
- More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Weather Jokes
- Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
- One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
- @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
- Aaron Fullerton on Spelling
- We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no a in definitely.
- Humorist Aaron Fullerton
- More: One-Liners
- Robin McCauley on Wine
- This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
- @RobinMcCauley
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- A Businessman On Perfection…
- The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
- Businessman Stanley Randall
- More: Funny Quotes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
- #ReadingGoals
- Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
- @RandiLawson
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
- I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
- Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re Better Than Me
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
- Honest Brand Slogans
- Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.”
- Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
- CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
- Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
- ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
- Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
- Source: honestslogans.com
- More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Bullseye
- Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
- Humorist Reid Kerr
- More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Fluent in Ink
- I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
- Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
- A Classic Conundrum
- I’m trying to get into classical music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
- Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
- More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- A Few Grams More
- Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
- @JoshGondelman
- More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- When Relatives Attack
- There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
- @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
- Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)
- Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
- @dinokitten
- More: Corny Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
- The Smell of Confusion
- If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
- @bridger_w (Bridger Winegar)
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Simile and Say Cheese
- We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
- @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)
- More: One-Liners
- Nevermore Relevant
- Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
- @SeanWhiteComedy (Sean Gilbert White)
- More: Animal Jokes, One-Liners
- Reading The Fifth
- I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
- Demetri Martin
- More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Seriously, How Many Blondes?
- How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
- @RobinMcCauley
- More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
- Couch Potatoes, Take Heart
- You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
- @longwall26
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- A Light-bulb Moment
- To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
- Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
- More: Christmas Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
- Jay Leno on Pet Scams
- A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
- Jay Leno
- More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership
- We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner
- More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- The Truth About Puppies
- Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
- @shutupmikeginn
- More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, One-Liners
- Dog Mom Is Always Right
- “We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” —Dog mom
- Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
- More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
- Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm
- Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
- Harry Hill
- More: Animal Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, One-Liners
- The Paradox of Grown-Ups
- I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog. Then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
- @damienfahey
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
- DUN DUN
- The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA Network.
- @EliBraden, comedian
- More: One-Liners
- The Oscar Goes to…
- My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone “Hello?”
- @SethMacFarlane
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Hut, Hut, Gripe!
- Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
- @Leemanish
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Clean Your Plate
- The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
- @PaulyPeligroso
- More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Amir Blumenfeld on Eggplant Alternatives
- If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
- @jakeandamir (Amir Blumenfeld)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- The Taste of Wicker
- Triscuit is the perfect combination of cracker and doormat.
- @1CarParade (Jason Gelles)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- A Bar Walks Into a Man…
- Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?”
- @JulieKlausner
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Holy Vision
- Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
- Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
- Antisocial Media
- Hate to break it to you, Facebook, but the entire Internet is already a Dislike button.
- @JoshGroban
- More: Computer Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Kitchen Confidential
- My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
- Maria Bamford
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Bloody Good Question
- How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
- Jimmy Kimmel
- More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
- Mild, Mild West
- I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
- Seen on reddit.com
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
- Well, Dishes Annoying
- I’d rather spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
- @goldengateblond (shauna)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Margin of Error
- Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
- Comedian Adam Gropman
- More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Math Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
- Router-stiltskin
- I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
- @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
- More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
- Stewart Francis on Spelling
- So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
- Stewart Francis
- More: Corny Jokes, Funny Stories, One-Liners
- Trash of Society
- “Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
- @ceejoyner (Chris Joyner)
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
- Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
- We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
- Paula Poundstone
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns
- Groucho Marx on Make Outs
- Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx
- More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Valentine’s Day Jokes
- Jay Leno on Twinkies
- General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
- Jay Leno
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Bank on Confusion
- Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
- @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
- More: Daily Life Jokes, Money Jokes, One-Liners
- Poor Sport
- Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
- Neil DeGrasse Tyson
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Sports Jokes
- Robert Brault on Halloween
- I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
- —Robert Brault
- More: Funny Quotes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
- Reid Faylor on Halloween
- I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
- —Reid Faylor
- More: Animal Jokes, Cat Jokes, Dog Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
- David Letterman on Halloween
- Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
- —David Letterman
- More: Dad Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Quotes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
- “Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
- My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
- —Jerry Seinfeld
- More: Funny Quotes, Old Age Jokes, One-Liners
- Doggoned Dumb
- A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
- Andy Kindler
- More: Dog Jokes, One-Liners
- Drunkard’s Law
- “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
- @yoyoha (Josh Hara)
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Arachni-date
- My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
- @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)
- More: Animal Jokes, One-Liners
- Short on Class
- “Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” - Cargo Shorts
- @DearAnyone (Artie Johann)
- More: One-Liners
- Game Respect Game
- My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
- @NicCageMatch
- More: Animal Jokes, Cat Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- An Old Army Truism…
- Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
- Source: milhist.net
- More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
- Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!
- The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
- Comedian Mark Chalifoux
- More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
- Duper Man
- I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
- @Robfee
- More: Dog Jokes, One-Liners
- Contested Rules
- What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
- @PeachCoffin
- More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
- The Worst Page in The Dictionary
- Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
- @sixthformpoet
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
- Steven Wright on Tourism
- I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
- Steven Wright
- More: One-Liners
- Lew Schneider on Sunblock
- We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
- Lew Schneider
- More: Family Jokes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes, Weather Jokes
- Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
- There’s no “I” in denial.
- Peter Serafinowicz
- More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia
- I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.
- Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
- More: One-Liners
- A Tough Question, by Jay Leno
- How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
- Jay Leno
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey
- Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
- Bill Bailey
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
- A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
- Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
- Betsy Salkind
- More: Corny Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
- A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart
- If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
- Jon Stewart
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Political Jokes
- A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld
- What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
- Jerry Seinfeld
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis
- At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
- Zach Galifianakis
- More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns
- A Tough Question, by George Carlin
- What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- George Carlin
- More: Animal Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Ahead of the Competition
- My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
- Stewart Francis
- More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
- A Brow Beating
- I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
- More: Love Jokes, One-Liners
- And That's The Way it is
- Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
- @JENNYJOHNSONHi5
- More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
- Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers
- My favorite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
- @KenJennings
- More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
- Hotel Time-Travel
- #A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
- #Comedian Rich Hall
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
- Maggie Smith on Annoying People
- There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
- Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), on Downton Abbey
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- Stephen Colbert on Internships
- Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
- Stephen Colbert
- More: Funny Quotes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
- The Weirdest Summer Job Ever
- ##Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEO#NE’S LIFE.
- Jake W#eisman ##
- More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
- Demetri Martin's Summer Plans
- This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.
- Demetri Martin
- More: One-Liners, Travel Jokes
- My First Job…
- I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
- Melanie Reno
- More: Family Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
- Fractured Fairy Tales
- • There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan
- • I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures
- • Cinderella’s fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
- • Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O.
- • And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.
- • My wife said she wanted a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —
- More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
- The Meaning of War
- Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
- Comedian Paul Rodriguez
- More: Funny Quotes, Military Jokes, One-Liners
- Thanks, MapQuest
- MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com
- More: Computer Jokes, One-Liners
- Misfortune Cookie
- ⧬After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
- ๐บCarol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island
- ⧭More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
- The Funniest Person in The World
- ๐บThe Laugh Factory in Los Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:
- • In Paris,๐ปI am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian. Mustapha El Atrassi, France
- • ๐Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … but now it’s ruined? Ismo Leikola, Finland
- • This is the ←tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.
jokes-one-liners-2018
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