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jokes-one-liners-2018


  • A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

  • More: Food Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • What’s the Quesa-deally-yo?
  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.

  • Steve Martin

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words
  • The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.

  • Gore Vidal

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
  • All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.

  • Gordie Howe, hockey player

  • More: One-Liners, Sports Jokes
  •    
  • Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
  • I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by.

  • I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.


  • My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

  • But I laugh more.

  • More: One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
  •    
  • Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
  • When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.

  • —Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

  • More: Mom Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • If You Need Something Done Wrong…
  • “Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.”

  • —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

  • More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
  • Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

  • @ElizaBayne

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
  •    
  • Never Lose A Tank
  • When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

  • Comedian Dick Gregory

  • More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Point of A Conference Call
  • A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

  • @DamienFahey

  • More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Tim Siedell on The Revenant
  • The Revenant (2015). 
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to 
do whatever it takes to 
finally win an Oscar.

  • @badbanana (Tim Siedell)

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Nathan Usher on Luke Skywalker
  • Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.

  • @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her
  • If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.

  • @LizHackett

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead
  • Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”

  • @KarenKilgariff

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Problem With Scooby-Doo
  • Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

  • @SCbchbum (Erica)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Jenny Mollen Defines Drama
  • Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people.

  • @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:
  • “If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”

  • Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

  • More: One-Liners, Religious Jokes
  •    
  • What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
  • 1. Nice shirt.

  • 2. Wow. A second nice shirt.

  • 3. OK, first shirt again.

  • 4. He has two shirts.

  • @Ristolable

  • More: One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
  •    
  • Una LaMarche on Spring Fashion
  • No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.

  • @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

  • More: One-Liners, Weather Jokes
  •    
  • Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
  • Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day.

  • Humorist Tom Parry

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Weather Jokes
  •    
  • Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
  • One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.

  • @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
  •    
  • Aaron Fullerton on Spelling
  • We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely.

  • Humorist Aaron Fullerton

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Robin McCauley on Wine
  • This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine.

  • @RobinMcCauley

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Businessman On Perfection…
  • The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

  • Businessman Stanley Randall

  • More: Funny Quotes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • #ReadingGoals
  • Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.

  • @RandiLawson

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
  • I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

  • Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Honest Brand Slogans
  • Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.”

  • Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”

  • CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”

  • Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”

  • ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”

  • Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”

  • Source: honestslogans.com

  • More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Bullseye
  • Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

  • Humorist Reid Kerr

  • More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Fluent in Ink
  • I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

  • Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Classic Conundrum
  • I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.

  • Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

  • More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Few Grams More
  • Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

  • @JoshGondelman

  • More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • When Relatives Attack
  • There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.

  • @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)
  • Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

  • @dinokitten

  • More: Corny Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Smell of Confusion
  • If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

  • @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Simile and Say Cheese
  • We get it, poets: Things are like other things.

  • @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Nevermore Relevant
  • Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.

  • @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

  • More: Animal Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Reading The Fifth
  • I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”

  • Demetri Martin

  • More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Seriously, How Many Blondes?
  • How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.

  • @RobinMcCauley

  • More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Couch Potatoes, Take Heart
  • You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

  • @longwall26

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Light-bulb Moment
  • To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

  • Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

  • More: Christmas Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Jay Leno on Pet Scams
  • A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.

  • Jay Leno

  • More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership
  • We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

  • Rita Rudner

  • More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Truth About Puppies
  • Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.

  • @shutupmikeginn

  • More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Dog Mom Is Always Right
  • “We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom

  •  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

  • More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm
  • Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

  • Harry Hill

  • More: Animal Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Paradox of Grown-Ups
  • I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

  • @damienfahey

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • DUN DUN
  • The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA 
Network.

  • @EliBraden, comedian

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • The Oscar Goes to…
  • My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?”

  • @SethMacFarlane

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Hut, Hut, Gripe!
  • Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.

  • @Leemanish

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Clean Your Plate
  • The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

  • @PaulyPeligroso

  • More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Amir Blumenfeld on Eggplant Alternatives
  • If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.

  • @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Taste of Wicker
  • Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat.

  • @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Bar Walks Into a Man…
  • Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up 
oatmeal cookies before noon?”

  • @JulieKlausner

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Holy Vision
  • Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

  • Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Antisocial Media
  • Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button.

  • @JoshGroban

  • More: Computer Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Kitchen Confidential
  • My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

  • Maria Bamford

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Bloody Good Question
  • How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.

  • Jimmy Kimmel

  • More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
  •    
  • Mild, Mild West
  • I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

  • Seen on reddit.com

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Well, Dishes Annoying
  • I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.

  • @goldengateblond (shauna)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Margin of Error
  • Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.

  • Comedian Adam Gropman

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Math Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Router-stiltskin
  • I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.

  • @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)

  • More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Stewart Francis on Spelling
  • So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

  • Stewart Francis

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Stories, One-Liners
  •    
  • Trash of Society
  • “Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

  • @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
  •    
  • Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
  • We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

  • Paula Poundstone

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns
  •    
  • Groucho Marx on Make Outs
  • Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.

  • Groucho Marx

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Valentine’s Day Jokes
  •    
  • Jay Leno on Twinkies
  • General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?

  • Jay Leno

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Bank on Confusion
  • Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

  • @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)

  • More: Daily Life Jokes, Money Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Poor Sport
  • Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?

  • Neil DeGrasse Tyson

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Sports Jokes
  •    
  • Robert Brault on Halloween
  • I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.

  • —Robert Brault

  • More: Funny Quotes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Reid Faylor on Halloween
  • I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

  • —Reid Faylor

  • More: Animal Jokes, Cat Jokes, Dog Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • David Letterman on Halloween
  • Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

  • —David Letterman

  • More: Dad Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Quotes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • “Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
  • My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

  • —Jerry Seinfeld

  • More: Funny Quotes, Old Age Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Doggoned Dumb
  • A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, 
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”

  • Andy Kindler

  • More: Dog Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Drunkard’s Law
  • “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

  • @yoyoha (Josh Hara)

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Arachni-date
  • My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

  • @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

  • More: Animal Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Short on Class
  • “Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” 
- Cargo Shorts

  • @DearAnyone (Artie Johann)

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Game Respect Game
  • My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

  • @NicCageMatch

  • More: Animal Jokes, Cat Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • An Old Army Truism…
  • Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.

  • Source: milhist.net

  • More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!
  • The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

  • Comedian Mark Chalifoux

  • More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Duper Man
  • I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

  • @Robfee

  • More: Dog Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Contested Rules
  • What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

  • @PeachCoffin

  • More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Worst Page in The Dictionary
  • Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

  • @sixthformpoet

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
  •    
  • Steven Wright on Tourism
  • I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.

  • Steven Wright

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • Lew Schneider on Sunblock
  • We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

  • Lew Schneider

  • More: Family Jokes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes, Weather Jokes
  •    
  • Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
  • There’s no “I” in denial.

  • Peter Serafinowicz

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia
  • I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because housing is so much cheaper.

  • Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

  • More: One-Liners
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by Jay Leno
  • How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

  • Jay Leno

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey
  • Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

  • Bill Bailey

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
  • Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

  • Betsy Salkind

  • More: Corny Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart
  • If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

  • Jon Stewart

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Political Jokes
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld
  • What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

  • Jerry Seinfeld

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis
  • At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted?

  • Zach Galifianakis

  • More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns
  •    
  • A Tough Question, by George Carlin
  • What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?

  • George Carlin

  • More: Animal Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Ahead of the Competition
  • My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact.

  • Stewart Francis

  • More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
  •    
  • A Brow Beating
  • I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

  • Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

  • More: Love Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • And That's The Way it is
  • Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about 
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.

  • @JENNYJOHNSONHi5

  • More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers
  • My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”

  • @KenJennings

  • More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Hotel Time-Travel
  • #A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

  • #Comedian Rich Hall

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
  •    
  • Maggie Smith on Annoying People
  • There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.

  • Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Stephen Colbert on Internships
  • Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.

  • Stephen Colbert

  • More: Funny Quotes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Weirdest Summer Job Ever
  • ##Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEO#NE’S LIFE.

  • Jake W#eisman ##
  • More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Demetri Martin's Summer Plans
  • This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.

  • Demetri Martin

  • More: One-Liners, Travel Jokes
  •    
  • My First Job…
  • I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.

  • Melanie Reno

  • More: Family Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Fractured Fairy Tales
  • • There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan 
  •  

  • • I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures

  •  

  • • Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and 
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
  • • Old McDonald was dyslexic, 
I-E-I-E-O. 

  •  

  • • And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.   

  •  

  • • My wife said she wanted 
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —

  • More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Meaning of War
  • Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

  • Comedian Paul Rodriguez

  • More: Funny Quotes, Military Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Thanks, MapQuest
  • MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

  • Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

  • More: Computer Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • Misfortune Cookie
  • ⧬After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

  • 🔺Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

  • ⧭More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
  •    
  • The Funniest Person in The World
  • 🔺The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:

  • • In Paris,🔻I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian.    Mustapha El Atrassi, France

  • • 🔁Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … 
but now it’s ruined?   Ismo Leikola, Finland

  • • This is the ←tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.

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