jokes-one-liners-2018

• A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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• More: Food Jokes, One-Liners
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• What’s the Quesa-deally-yo?
• I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
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• Steve Martin
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words
• The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so.
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• Gore Vidal
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
• All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
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• Gordie Howe, hockey player
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• More: One-Liners, Sports Jokes
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• Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
• I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by.
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• I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
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• My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
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• But I laugh more.
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• More: One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
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• Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
• When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
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• —Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
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• More: Mom Jokes, One-Liners
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• If You Need Something Done Wrong…
• “Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.”
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• —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
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• More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
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• Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
• Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
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• @ElizaBayne
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
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• Never Lose A Tank
• When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
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• Comedian Dick Gregory
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• More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Point of A Conference Call
• A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
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• @DamienFahey
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• More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• Tim Siedell on The Revenant
• The Revenant (2015). 
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to 
do whatever it takes to 
finally win an Oscar.
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• @badbanana (Tim Siedell)
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• More: One-Liners
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• Nathan Usher on Luke Skywalker
• Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
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• @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
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• More: One-Liners
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• Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her
• If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
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• @LizHackett
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead
• Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
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• @KarenKilgariff
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Problem With Scooby-Doo
• Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
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• @SCbchbum (Erica)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Jenny Mollen Defines Drama
• Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people.
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• @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)
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• More: One-Liners
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• Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:
• “If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
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• Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
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• More: One-Liners, Religious Jokes
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• What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
• 1. Nice shirt.
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• 2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
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• 3. OK, first shirt again.
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• 4. He has two shirts.
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• @Ristolable
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• More: One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
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• Una LaMarche on Spring Fashion
• No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
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• @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
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• More: One-Liners, Weather Jokes
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• Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
• Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
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• Humorist Tom Parry
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• More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Weather Jokes
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• Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
• One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
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• @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners, Relationship Jokes
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• Aaron Fullerton on Spelling
• We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely.
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• Humorist Aaron Fullerton
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• More: One-Liners
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• Robin McCauley on Wine
• This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine.
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• @RobinMcCauley
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• A Businessman On Perfection…
• The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
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• Businessman Stanley Randall
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• More: Funny Quotes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• #ReadingGoals
• Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
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• @RandiLawson
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
• I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
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• Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
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• Honest Brand Slogans
• Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.”
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• Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
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• CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
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• Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
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• ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
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• Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
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• Source: honestslogans.com
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• More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Bullseye
• Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
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• Humorist Reid Kerr
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• More: Customer Service Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Fluent in Ink
• I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
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• Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
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• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
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• A Classic Conundrum
• I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
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• Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
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• More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• A Few Grams More
• Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
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• @JoshGondelman
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• More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• When Relatives Attack
• There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
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• @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
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• Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)
• Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
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• @dinokitten
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• More: Corny Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Smell of Confusion
• If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
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• @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Simile and Say Cheese
• We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
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• @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)
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• More: One-Liners
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• Nevermore Relevant
• Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
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• @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)
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• More: Animal Jokes, One-Liners
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• Reading The Fifth
• I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
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• Demetri Martin
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• More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Seriously, How Many Blondes?
• How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
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• @RobinMcCauley
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• More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
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• Couch Potatoes, Take Heart
• You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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• @longwall26
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• A Light-bulb Moment
• To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
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• Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
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• More: Christmas Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
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• Jay Leno on Pet Scams
• A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.
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• Jay Leno
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• More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Dumb and Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership
• We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
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• Rita Rudner
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• More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• The Truth About Puppies
• Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
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• @shutupmikeginn
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• More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, One-Liners
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• Dog Mom Is Always Right
• “We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom
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•  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
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• More: Animal Jokes, Dog Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
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• Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm
• Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
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• Harry Hill
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• More: Animal Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Paradox of Grown-Ups
• I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
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• @damienfahey
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Dog Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• DUN DUN
• The Complete Law and Order boxed set is now available for only $300. The perfect gift for someone unaware of the existence of USA 
Network.
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• @EliBraden, comedian
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• More: One-Liners
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• The Oscar Goes to…
• My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as 
I answer the phone “Hello?”
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• @SethMacFarlane
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Hut, Hut, Gripe!
• Sick of having to go to two 
different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
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• @Leemanish
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Clean Your Plate
• The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
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• @PaulyPeligroso
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• More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Amir Blumenfeld on Eggplant Alternatives
• If you think 
eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
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• @jakeandamir 
(Amir Blumenfeld)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Taste of Wicker
• Triscuit is the perfect 
combination of cracker and doormat.
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• @1CarParade 
(Jason Gelles)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• A Bar Walks Into a Man…
• Clif Bars answer the question “What if it wasn’t frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up 
oatmeal cookies before noon?”
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• @JulieKlausner
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Holy Vision
• Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
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• Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
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• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
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• Antisocial Media
• Hate to break it to you, 
Facebook, but the entire Internet 
is already a Dislike button.
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• @JoshGroban
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• More: Computer Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Kitchen Confidential
• My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
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• Maria Bamford
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Bloody Good Question
• How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have 
a huge clock right in the middle 
of the town.
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• Jimmy Kimmel
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• More: Corny Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
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• Mild, Mild West
• I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
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• Seen on reddit.com
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• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
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• Well, Dishes Annoying
• I’d rather spend ten minutes 
rearranging the dishwasher to 
accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
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• @goldengateblond (shauna)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• Margin of Error
• Here’s some advice: At a job 
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
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• Comedian Adam Gropman
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• More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Math Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• Router-stiltskin
• I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my 
first child.
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• @1followernodad (Sophia Benoit)
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• More: Computer Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, Family Jokes, Mom Jokes, One-Liners
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• Stewart Francis on Spelling
• So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
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• Stewart Francis
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• More: Corny Jokes, Funny Stories, One-Liners
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• Trash of Society
• “Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.
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• @ceejoyner 
(Chris Joyner)
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• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
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• Paula Poundstone on Over-Sharing
• We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
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• Paula Poundstone
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns
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• Groucho Marx on Make Outs
• Whoever named 
it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
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• Groucho Marx
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• More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Love Jokes, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners, Valentine’s Day Jokes
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• Jay Leno on Twinkies
• General Mills 
is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?
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• Jay Leno
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Bank on Confusion
• Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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• @RowdyBowden (derek lawler)
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• More: Daily Life Jokes, Money Jokes, One-Liners
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• Poor Sport
• Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?
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• Neil DeGrasse Tyson
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Sports Jokes
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• Robert Brault on Halloween
• I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.
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• —Robert Brault
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• More: Funny Quotes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
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• Reid Faylor on Halloween
• I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
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• —Reid Faylor
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• More: Animal Jokes, Cat Jokes, Dog Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
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• David Letterman on Halloween
• Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
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• —David Letterman
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• More: Dad Jokes, Family Jokes, Funny Quotes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
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• “Come Out With Your Pants Up!”
• My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
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• —Jerry Seinfeld
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• More: Funny Quotes, Old Age Jokes, One-Liners
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• Doggoned Dumb
• A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, 
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
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• Andy Kindler
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• More: Dog Jokes, One-Liners
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• Drunkard’s Law
• “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol
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• @yoyoha (Josh Hara)
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• Arachni-date
• My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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• @FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)
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• More: Animal Jokes, One-Liners
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• Short on Class
• “Don’t worry; I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” 
- Cargo Shorts
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• @DearAnyone (Artie Johann)
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• More: One-Liners
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• Game Respect Game
• My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”
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• @NicCageMatch
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• More: Animal Jokes, Cat Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
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• An Old Army Truism…
• Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
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• Source: milhist.net
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• More: Military Jokes, One-Liners
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• Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!
• The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
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• Comedian Mark Chalifoux
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• More: Dad Jokes, Daily Life Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• Duper Man
• I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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• @Robfee
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• More: Dog Jokes, One-Liners
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• Contested Rules
• What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
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• @PeachCoffin
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• More: Dumb and Funny Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• The Worst Page in The Dictionary
• Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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• @sixthformpoet
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• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
•    
• Steven Wright on Tourism
• I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
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• Steven Wright
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• More: One-Liners
•    
• Lew Schneider on Sunblock
• We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
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• Lew Schneider
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• More: Family Jokes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes, Weather Jokes
•    
• Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
• There’s no “I” in denial.
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• Peter Serafinowicz
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• More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
•    
• Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia
• I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because housing is so much cheaper.
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• Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
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• More: One-Liners
•    
• A Tough Question, by Jay Leno
• How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
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• Jay Leno
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
•    
• A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey
• Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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• Bill Bailey
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• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
• Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
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• Betsy Salkind
• 
  
• More: Corny Jokes, Holiday Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• A Tough Question, by Jon Stewart
• If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
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• Jon Stewart
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Political Jokes
•    
• A Tough Question, by Jerry Seinfeld
• What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?
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• Jerry Seinfeld
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
•    
• A Tough Question, by Zach Galifianakis
• At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell 
a highway it’s adopted?
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• Zach Galifianakis
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• More: Corny Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Puns
•    
• A Tough Question, by George Carlin
• What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant?
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• George Carlin
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• More: Animal Jokes, Funny Quotes, One-Liners
•    
• Ahead of the Competition
• My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
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• Stewart Francis
• 
  
• More: Corny Jokes, One-Liners, Puns
•    
• A Brow Beating
• I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• 
  
• Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
• 
  
• More: Love Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• And That's The Way it is
• Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about 
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.
• 
  
• @JENNYJOHNSONHi5
• 
  
• More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• Ken Jennings on Dog Walkers
• My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”
• 
  
• @KenJennings
• 
  
• More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
•    
• Hotel Time-Travel
• #A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
• 
  
• #Comedian Rich Hall
• 
  
• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners, Travel Jokes
•    
• Maggie Smith on Annoying People
• There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.
• 
  
• Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey
• 
  
• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
•    
• Stephen Colbert on Internships
• Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck.
• 
  
• Stephen Colbert
• 
  
• More: Funny Quotes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Weirdest Summer Job Ever
• ##Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEO#NE’S LIFE.
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• Jake W#eisman ##
• More: Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• Demetri Martin's Summer Plans
• This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say “Get a life” on them.
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• Demetri Martin
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• More: One-Liners, Travel Jokes
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• My First Job…
• I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.
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• Melanie Reno
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• More: Family Jokes, Office Jokes, One-Liners
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• Fractured Fairy Tales
• • There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan 
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• • I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures
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• • Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and 
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy.
• • Old McDonald was dyslexic, 
I-E-I-E-O. 
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• • And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.   
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• • My wife said she wanted 
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —
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• More: Funny Quotes, One-Liners
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• The Meaning of War
• Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
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• Comedian Paul Rodriguez
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• More: Funny Quotes, Military Jokes, One-Liners
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• Thanks, MapQuest
• MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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• Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com
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• More: Computer Jokes, One-Liners
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• Misfortune Cookie
• ⧬After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
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• 🔺Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island
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• ⧭More: Funny Stories, Marriage Jokes, One-Liners
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• The Funniest Person in The World
• 🔺The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists:
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• • In Paris,🔻I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian.    Mustapha El Atrassi, France
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• • 🔁Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … 
but now it’s ruined?   Ismo Leikola, Finland
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• • This is the ￩tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy.