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Short Funny Quotes For You

  1. Vegetarian don’t kill the an~imals for eating; they eat the animals’ food.

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  3. Suicide is the most sincere form of self- criticism.

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  5. I told m~y wife the truth. I told her I was seein~g a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

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  7. Often when I fall, I don’t wake up. I lie there~ and enjoy my nap.

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  9. If a blond and a brunette jump~ off a building at the same time, who hits the ground first? The brunette, the blond has to stop and ask for direction~s.

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  11. On the seventh day God rested. His grandchildren must have been out of town.

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  13. Grandparents are there to he~lp the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.

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  15. Whenever I feel the need to exe~rcise, I lie down until it goes away.

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  17. Just go up to somebody on the str~eet and say, “You’re it!” and just run away.

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  19. Always end the name of your chil~d with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

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  21. A waffle is like a pancake, with a syrup trap.
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  23. Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH~ ONE YOU SON OF A B*TCH

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  25. I was born brilliant but studies ruined me.
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  27. Cool story bro. Needs a dinosaur.
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  29. You’re just jealous cos the voices only talk to me.

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  31. So why does when the bride throw the flowers the one who catch it will be the next one to get married.. Why don’t they try to throw~ the flowers for the dead ~to know who’ll die next.

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  33. Who says I can’t fix things. Gimme a duct tape!
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  35. What did the stop lig~ht say to the car? Don’t look I’m changing.

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  37. During surgery: “The lights went out. But that won’t stop us.

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  39. Everyone hates pennies. Except Lincoln.
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  41. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
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  43. Some people say my mind is in th~e gutter. I say if it were not for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

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  45. I liked this girl in my sixth grade clas~s. I dared her to kiss me – – but she didn’t

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  47. Women’s weapon, water- drops.

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  49. You can observe a lot just by watching.

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  51. Always go to other people’s funer~als, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

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  53. I’m single because I was born that way.
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  55. Housework won’t kill you, but then~ again, why take the chance?

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  57. I used to have a friend but the rope broke and he got away.

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  59. Which weapon can be made from ~the combination o~f, potassium, nickel, iron?. First of all explanation; the chemical symbol of potassium is k, for nickel is ni, for iro~n is fe. So the weapon is knife.

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  61. Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
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  63. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

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  65. Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log.

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  67. All you need is love. But a~ little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

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  69. The guy who invented the wheel i~s an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, now he is the genius

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  71. I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

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  73. We all know what the speed of light is…what’s the speed of dark?!

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  75. Sir, if I were your wife I would put p~oison in your coffee.

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  77. A diplomat: One who thinks twice before saying nothing.

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  79. Electricity is actually made u~p of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drin~king.

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  81. If you cut me in a line you’ll get kicked in the behind.

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  83. Work: My boss is making his office bigger. His ego doesn’t fit.

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  85. If cats could write history, thei~r history would be mostly about cats.
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  87. We made too many wrong mistakes.

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  89. Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t~ think I could eat eight.

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  91. I always wondered why babies spend so muc~h time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

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  93. I never gossip. I observe. An~d then relay my observations to practically everyone.

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  95. People say nothing is imposs~ible, but I do nothing every day.

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  97. I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  99. If everything seems to be going well, yo~u have obviously overlooked something.

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  101. I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son- of- a b*tch, I forget it.

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  103. Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the no~nsense of those who think they talk sense.

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  105. Please accept my resignation. I don’t ~want to belong to~ any club that will accept me as a member.

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  107. Age and wisdom don’t necessarily go together… Some people just become stupid with more authority.

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  109. Years from now we’ll look back on this and laugh. If we’re out of jail by then.

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  111. A criminal is not sorry for committing the crime, but ~he is very sorry that he is going to jail.

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  113. One man’s garbage is another man’s treasure.
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  115. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, p~ower corrupts, corruption is a crime, crime doesn’t pay. So, if you keep on reading, you’ll go broke. See what I~’m sayin’ here?

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  117. He said: A girlfriend is like coffee. You~ throw her if it’s no longer hot. She said: A boyfriend is like liquor. You throw up if you can no longer take it.

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  119. If men are all the same w~hy do girls choose their men.

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  121. Dear brain, please start bein~g able to tell the difference between hungry and bored. Sincerely, I’m getting fat!

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  123. The early bird gets the word. The worm gets his head chewed off by a sharp beak with serrated edges.

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  125. Did you ever get tha~t when you wal~k up the stairs and then half-way up you stop because you forget what you wanted to do, not noticing that you holding up the peo~ple that wants to get on the plane.

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  127. Memory loss: I had an epiphany. ~But I can’t remember what it was.

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  129. Since a politician never believes~ what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.

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  131. I wish there was a pen th~at could copy and paste.

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  133. I’m the type of person that wants to get good grades but doesn’t want to study.

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  135. YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook, are merging. The new program will be called YouTwitFace.

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  137. Waiting for the perfect girl? Idiot~, even if you find her she’ll be waiting for the perfect man.

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  139. Giving up smoking is the easiest~ thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.

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  141. I had always thought that on~ce you grew up you could do anything you wanted – stay up all night or eat ice- cream straight out of the container.

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  143. I’m not going to buy my kids an en~cyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

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  145. Two things I dislike about my grand~daughter when she won’t take her afternoon nap, and when she won’t let me take mine.

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  147. An apple a day keeps a doctor away, my fa~ther is a doctor, so no apples for me.

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  149. If you haven’t got anything nic~e to say about anybody come sit next to me.

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  151. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

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  153. I only drink alcohol when I am alone or with someone else.

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  155. If life gives you lemons. Eat carrots.

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  157. Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.

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  159. Hey you, yea you, no not you, you right there, yes you, do you like tacos

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  161. You say ear wax, I say melting brain.
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  163. Spoons…bowls with handles.

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  165. You call it stalking, I call it love.

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  167. Did you ever notice “The + I.R.S. = THEIRS”.

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  169. I do 5 sit- ups a day. It may seem like a small amount but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. I meed to stop saying, “How stupid can you be?” because people are starting to take it as a challenge

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  171. It’s more fun when it’s illegal.

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  173. If school is so helpful, explain why summer break makes me happy.

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  175. Flying: Not a good way to let passengers know that they’re landing: “This plane is going down.”

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  177. Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places.

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  179. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

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  181. I want a six month vacation…Twice a year.
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  183. If there’s a Hell on Earth, it’s high school.

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  185. Cuddle a chemist and see the reactio

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  187. I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up

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  189. I reads every chance I can gets.
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  191. People say “Speed kills”, they are wrong. It’s the sudden stop that kills.

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  193. Love is like getting sick, Because everyone goes through it.

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  195. Patience is a waste of time. Classical music just co~nfuses all the other voices in my head. My password is **** How many asterisks do you use for your password? If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination. I get bored in church. Why would I want to go to he~aven? I bet Einstein would have liked color. I snore on purpose. When I was a kid, I could buy a dollar for ten cents.

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  197. Guns don’t kill people… Dads with pretty daughters do.

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  199. When life gives you lemons, throw them back and tell life to go make its own lemonade.

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  201. It’s not the miles that wears you down, it’s the pebbl~e in your shoe.

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  203. ~
  204. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep do~wn inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

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  206. Animals need to eat. But so do we.

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  208. Attitude: I work hard. At avoiding work.

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  210. Bumper sticker: If my bumper falls off I’ll need this sticker back.

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  212. Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep

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  214. Saw this on vest of a motorcycle rider on a calif.~ freeway Could you drive any better If that phone Was up your a

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  216. Science is always wrong. ~It never solves a problem without creating ten more.

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  218. The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short.~

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  220. User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.

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  222. 90% of the game is half mental.

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  224. People often ask when I was born and I tell them I cannot remember, I was a kid at the time.

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  226. Apart From That, Mrs. Lincoln – How Did You Like The Play

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  228. Oh no she didn’t
  229. Sweetie I think she just did.

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  231. We’ve had some fun tonight…consider~ing we’re all gonna die someday.

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  233. I like children. If they’re prop~erly cooked.

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  235. April 1. This is the day upon w~hich we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty- four.

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  237. Someone asked me where I was born, I said the local hospital!

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  239. How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? – Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses

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  241. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

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  243. I’d give my left arm to be ambidextrous

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  245. After loosing the election I sleep like a young baby .. Sleep 2 hours wake up and cry..sleep another 2 hours wake up and cry

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  247. It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses th~e dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

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  249. Rule #1 during arguments: If you’re losing, start c~orrecting their grammar.

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  251. Hobbies of any kind are bo~ring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me~ saying so in print.

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  253. Beauty tips. How to look younger: Don’t be born so soon.

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  255. From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!

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  257. ~
  258. There’s a famous saying: “If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn’t work for 14 minutes every day.” ~I did the calculation, and it’s actually 14 mi~nutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent w~as g~ood enough.

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  260. I wish my phone never ran out of battery and my fridge never ran out of food.

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  262. I could be a morning person. If morning happened to be around noon.

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  264. I could be a morning person. If morning happened to be around noon.

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  266. I hate it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person who looks good refuses to delete it.

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  268. I just saw this wic~ked cool stunt on TV involving fire and explosives but of course the announcer said “Do not try this at home!”. Do you care if ~I come over for a while

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  270. ~
  271. Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore because it’s too crowded.

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  273. If you don’t know where you ~are going, you’ll end up someplace else.

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  275. The reason fat m~en are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

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  277. I have found men who didn’t know how to kiss. I’ve always found time to teach them.

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  279. All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

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  281. I know I am level headed cause I dribble from both sides of my mouth equally.

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  283. They say you can’t have your bread buttered on both sides, I say, you can, but you might get your hands dirty in the process.

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  285. After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relatives.

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  287. Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

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  289. I don’t care if the glass is half empty or ~half full…because I’m not thirsty anymore.

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  291. I ain’t got no bad grammar.

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  293. When I get sad ~ stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story.

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  295. When life gives you lemons, ma~ke orange juice then laugh at those who are confused.

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  297. Some see the glass as half empty, others see it as ~half full, but I am just wondering who the hell is drinking my beer.

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  299. If brain surgeons call what they do practice than what’s the real thing

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  301. Where did you meet your wife? At th~e family reunion?

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  303. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality c~ome from morons?

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  305. I like fat people m~ore than I like thin people, things are a~lways a lot more funnier when they happen to fat people.

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  307. My tiger is my best friend. After the cage is closed.

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  309. If soap tasted good I would never get clean.

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  311. During surgery: “Isn’t this the guy that slept with your wife

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  313. Bumper sticker: My horn doesn’t work. My finger does.

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  315. Dear Bad Luck…Let’s brea~k up.
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  317. War and drink are the two thin~gs man is never too poor to buy.

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  319. A thesaurus is a dictiona~ry on drugs.

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  321. No matter how many pens~ I buy, they always ‘mysteriously’ go missing.

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  323. One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling ‘Help! Shark! Help!’. I just laughed, I knew that shark ~was not going to help him.

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  325. If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC.

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  327. In the first place God made idiots. This was~ for practice. Then he made school boards.

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  329. You know what I like most about people? Pets.

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  331. Do not let the negativity of another live rent free inside your head.

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  333. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

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  335. My brothers and sisters all hated me cos I was an only child.

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  337. I’m so cool, ice cubes get jealous.

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  339. If I’m doing God’s work, then what is God doing?
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  341. It’s okay dude we can be loners together. I just licked your face so now I own it. Wigs are made of your hair that gets caught in the drain. What language do deaf people think in

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  343. Why did the rabbit cross the road? Chicken’s day off.

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  345. Don’t you hate it when you get on your own nerves??!!!!

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  347. When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

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  349. Save the planet. It’s the only one with cute boys.

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  351. Change is inevitable… Except from vending machines.

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  353. What wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood??? What do you mean if a woodchuck could chuck wood?! Are you telling me woodchucks can’t actually chuck wood?! I didn’t forget. I just remembered too late. ;) What’s the deal with lemons? Why can’t life give us chocolate? Or homework passes

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  355. I talk to myself cos I prefer talking to a better class of people.

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  357. Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she’s not coming back.

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  359. Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.

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  361. Do something good, no one sees it…Do something embarrassing, everyone sees it

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  363. We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. “Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.” Or, “I’ve got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth.

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  365. There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: “Hold my purse.

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  367. If you pull enough strings, you’ll end up pulling ropes.

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  369. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

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  371. Hitch your wagon to a star…but not a supernova.

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  373. Bumper sticker: I worked at hooters. Fifty years ago.

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  375. During surgery: “Alright everyone, let’s dig in.

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  377. During surgery: “A screwdriver?. This can’t be right.

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  379. I currently live in the 9021 broke.

  380. ===============================
  381. Boss: This job really isn’t for me. It’s for the sucker I keep giving it to.

  382. ===============================

  383. Oral hygiene: The dentist wanted to take one of my teeth. I said, “I think I’ll wait for the tooth fairy.

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  385. Bumper sticker: I left my wife. Way back there.

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  387. Sanity: I’m not crazy. “Yes you are.

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  389. Women & shoes: My heels are always there to pick me right up.

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  391. He was the toast to her butter.

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  393. We can’t stop here, this is bat country

  394. Spies and parents never sleep.
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  396. Always be yourself unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.

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  398. I’d do anything for a perfect beach body, except work out and eat less.

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  400. A ginger walks into a bar and says can I have a beer? A brunette walks into a bar and says can I have a beer? A dumb blonde walks into a bar and says ouch.

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  402. Today, when I stepped outside, I got shit on by a bird. But I’m still going back outside tomorrow.

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  404. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

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  406. Couldn’t remember your appointment then you find out it was with your memory doctor. Here’s your sign.

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  408. Life is a climb but the view is great, until you fall off!.

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  410. When life gives you lemons, throw it away. I wouldn’t take a lemon from a bearded drunk guy with a shirt that says, “My name is life.” Would you

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  412. Being last isn’t always a bad thing. Just think of the first guinea pigs at a beauty academy

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  414. In my sentences I go where no man has gone before.

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  416. I wish I had a famous persons last name so I could tell people I’m related to him/her.

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  418. They all say when life gives you lemons you make lemonade. But then we’d all have a sour lemonade.

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  420. Knock Knock… Umm You don’t have to knock, they are things called doorbells these days..

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  422. Why is the quote “When Life gives You Lemons” so popular; when has life ever given someone a lemon. I’m not claustrophobic, I just prefer to live outside the box. What most people consider style now who have had them outcasted in school 10 years ago…

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  424. What is to be will be, BUT… What is not to be Could happen

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  426. When life gives you lemons it means you’ve obviously knock over the fruit barrel.

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  428. Why is there so much month left at the end of the money

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  430. If you cry, I cry…You laugh, I laugh…You jump of a cliff, I’ll really miss you’re emails.

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  432. When life gives you lemons. Ask someone if they know how to make lemonade.

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  434. You: Does everything I say have to mean something? Me: Apparently not…babble on

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  436. Can anyone tell me what to do when life offers you an orange…

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  438. If wiseness was payable there would be no rich or poor. Look at george bush or paris hilton for example.

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  440. In the beginning, God created idiots. This was for practice. Then he created customer service.

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  442. 15 out of 10 people exaggerate.

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  444. and that one day a girl called me n said, “come fast there is nobody at my home…”….i went there n there was NOBODY at her home

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  446. I’m so awesome that whenever I ask whether I’m awesome people say no but I know it’s just pure jealousy.

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  448. How do you put an elephant in the fridge? You open the door, and put him in. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? You open the door, take the elephant out, and put him in. So a lion, the king of the jungle, is hosting a party for all the animals in the whole world, and when everyone gets there, they’re all having a great time, but, there is only one animal who is not there. Who is it? The elephant you put in the fridge. So, your on a hiking trip and you come to a river, full of crocodiles, and you have to get across, and there is no way around and no way over it. How do you get across? You jump in and swim to the other side. (All the crocodiles are at the lion’s party.

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  450. What do you call a dog with no legs? It don’t matter he ain’t coming!!

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  452. When life gives you lemons, sell them and buy the fruit you like.

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  454. There is no I in fail… WAIT

  455. ===============================

  456. Dear Homework,
  457. I hate you so much.
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  459. Curiosity killed the cat…luckily I’m not a cat.

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  461. In 1st grade when someone was in an argument the solution was to say sorry. Now that you’re in 11th grade, the solution is to transfer schools.

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  463. If life gives you oranges… You must be doing something wrong.

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  465. It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty, all that matters is if you’re thirsty or not.

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  467. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from K. F. C. ! Xd.

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  469. I love sweet people, they taste good.

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  471. Communism is like prohibition, it’s a good idea but it won’t work.

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  473. Every time I meet a nice girl she has a boyfriend. 3 of them.

  474. ===============================

  475. Vegetarian is Indian for “lousy hunter”.
  476. ===============================

  477. Want to look skinny without losing any weight? Hang out with fat people.

  478. ===============================
  479. I swear, I don’t mind being fat…Until we reach a mall. Then I wish I was skinny!

  480. ===============================
  481. What do you call a fat girl dancing in a club? Alone.

  482. ===============================

  483. I’m not fat. My stomach is just in 3D.
  484. ===============================

  485. I’m not fat. I’m just so sexy that it overflows.

  486. ===============================

  487. Be careful when you blindly follow the Masses… Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.

  488. ===============================


  490. ===============================

  491. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

  492. ===============================

  493. A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

  494. ===============================

  495. When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I’m single again.

  496. ===============================

  497. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.

  498. ===============================

  499. Many people cycle or swim to keep trim. But if swimming is so good for the figure, how do you explain whales

  500. ===============================
  501. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

  502. ===============================

  503. Breast implants gave my wife more confidence, and me more boobs.

  504. ===============================

  505. I’m wondering if Jesus was really fed up that his birthday clashed with Christmas!?

  506. ===============================

  507. After being dead for centuries, a blind man asks someone to describe what heaven looks like. The man replies, “Go ask Satan

  508. ===============================

  509. Sanity: I think I’m crazy. I can’t stop thinking if I am. Does that make me crazy? You think I’m crazy don’t you

  510. ===============================

  511. Fun killer: There will be no drinking at this party. And no people either.

  512. ===============================

  513. Spending habits: My shopping obsession is not a disease. I feel fine, and certainly look good.

  514. ===============================
  515. If you are bad. Then I am your dad.

  516. ===============================

  517. How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?

  518. ===============================
  519. Is your refrigerator running? Well if so you better go catch it.

  520. ===============================
  521. The time to begin most things is ten years ago.

  522. ===============================
  523. All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

  524. ===============================

  525. There’s a price you pay for chewing your mouth so fast, you tongue is at risk!

  526. ===============================

  527. Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid.

  528. ===============================

  529. If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

  530. ===============================

  531. Death, taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them.

  532. ===============================

  533. It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

  534. ===============================

  535. Glass, china, and reputation are easily cracked, and never mended well.

  536. ===============================
  537. The greatest thing about the internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source.

  538. ===============================
  539. There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

  540. ===============================
  541. If there’s no chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

  542. ===============================

  543. Competition is healthy. Especially when all your competitors are unhealthy, and hopefully sick and absent during the competition.

  544. ===============================

  545. I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

  546. ===============================
  547. I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too – for being married so many times.

  548. ===============================

  549. I walked into the bank today. Next time I will look where I am going.

  550. ===============================

  551. Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

  552. ===============================

  553. The closest I’ve come to murder is holding my Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

  554. ===============================

  555. There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.

  556. ===============================
  557. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor

  558. ===============================

  559. My daughter’s really into the Halloween spirit. She’s been in her pregnant lady costume for months now.

  560. ===============================

  561. See the thing about Chuck Norris’ third fist, under his beard, it’s actually was his choice to have a 3rd arm instead of a third leg.

  562. ===============================

  563. No punctuation at the end, is like walking out of your house without any shoes.

  564. ===============================

  565. Its better to give thaan to recieved, but the truth is its better to recieve and recieve and recieve…heheheh

  566. ===============================
  567. Is the glass half empty or half full? Neither, it’s just the wrong size

  568. ===============================

  569. Dont judge the book by it’s cover, judge the cover by it’s book

  570. ===============================

  571. I have been to Rome … They sure did a great job building it in a day

  572. ===============================

  573. Was it a car or a cat I saw?
  574. Read it backwards.
  575. ===============================

  576. Cats are like potato chips you can’t have just one.

  577. ===============================

  578. When life gives you lemons say, “I don’t know how to make lemonade!”

  579. ===============================

  580. Chuck Norris doesn’t watch TV, TV watches Chuck Norris.

  581. ===============================

  582. Knock knock how about ding dong the joke is getting old.

  583. ===============================

  584. The worst part of censorship is

  585. ===============================
  586. I have a problem ..
  587. its callled life
  588. ===============================

  589. Never judge a book by its cover…read the cliff notes!

  590. ===============================
  591. Video games are the only~ realities where we are anything but absolutely ordinary

  592. ===============================

  593. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, s~hame on me. Fool me three times, shame on you again.

  594. ===============================

  595. Don’t beware of dogs, beware of the owner.

  596. ===============================

  597. I’ve been told I’m going straight to hell…no I’m not…I’m taking the stairs not the elevator.

  598. ===============================
  599. I am not racist I just happen to call it like I see it.

  600. ===============================

  601. Curiosity killed the cat, my dog saw what happened and became smartest.

  602. ===============================

  603. TV has made dictatorship impossible, but democracy unbearable

  604. ===============================

  605. Hang in there like a hair in a a biscuit!

  606. ===============================

  607. He who laughs last… Well, laughs last… What were you expecting me to say!

  608. ===============================
  609. When nothing goes right go le~ft!! Do it today … It might be illegal tomorrow! I run with scissors it makes me feel DANGEROUS! My future is so bright ….. I need shades If a turtle loses his shell is he NAKED or HOME~LESS

  610. ===============================

  611. The patient dog eats ~the fattest bone…who eats the meat? The fastest dog of cours

  612. ===============================

  613. Any one can watch a monkey dance, But can you dance like the monkey.

  614. ===============================

  615. All work and no play makes Jack a manager.
  616. ===============================

  617. A big head with an empty brain is like a heavy load on the foolish neck.

  618. ===============================

  619. Curiosity killed the cat, and saved the rat.
  620. ===============================

  621. The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. What if they say you cannot jump of a bridge? So~me pleasure heh.

  622. ===============================

  623. I don’t keep track of time. Time keeps track of me.

  624. ===============================
  625. They say money talks…well I’m the ventriloquist.

  626. ===============================

  627. If life gives you lemons. Open~ a lemon shop!
  628. ===============================

  629. When life gives you lem~ons, squeeze the juice into water guns and squirt people in the eyes.

  630. ===============================

  631. If you can’t change a girl, change the girl.

  632. ===============================

  633. As long as the house is on f~ire, let us warm ourselves.

  634. ===============================

  635. Only a mental retard knows ur bein~g sarcastic when everyone else thinks ur serious

  636. ===============================

  637. Spilleng iz mi bezt zu~bjekt
  638. ===============================
  639. Thou Shalt Not Stab Giraffe I~n Neck With Spoon yeah thats right, I went there

  640. ===============================

  641. I don’t need hollywood,hollywood needs me

  642. ===============================

  643. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

  644. ===============================

  645. I’m shocked why people often ask me~ “Are you sure?” Oh God please tell them.. I’m Natts

  646. ===============================

  647. Let your parents choose your school…. Only if they study for you

  648. ===============================

  649. When life gives you lem~ons, throw em back and tell em they can make their own lemonade.

  650. ===============================

  651. Come to the Darkside…, We have cookies you can chuck at people!

  652. ===============================

  653. When you feel sad. To cheer up just go to the mirror and say, “Damn I am really so cute” you will overcome your sadness. But don’t~ make this a habit. Cos liars go to hell 

  654. ===============================

  655. When life gives you a book…Hit l~ife in the face and say “But I wanted lemons

  656. ===============================
  657. The grass is greener on the ot~her side…Nah…it’s Astro turf.

  658. ===============================

  659. When life gives you sno~mel, you have dyslexia!
  660. ===============================

  661. Once I was bright then ~I realized I was radioactive

  662. ===============================
  663. My life is hard so st~op making it harder and get out of my life

  664. ===============================
  665. I’d never join a club that would have ME as a member.

  666. ===============================

  667. He who laughs last, is the last to laugh…. Obviously! Life can be worth living, but those who haven’t lived long are lucky as anything!

  668. ===============================
  669. What software would you recommend to give my presentation with so much flash and sizzle that nobody notices that I have nothing to say

  670. ===============================

  671. If I melt dry ice and I swam in it, I wou~ldn’t get wet?

  672. ===============================

  673. I preach the rule; that doesn’t mea~n I follow them

  674. ===============================

  675. If you think no one notices yo~u and you’re all alone, then try not paying the bills!!! hahaha

  676. ===============================

  677. If life throws lemons at you, throw back a hand grenade.

  678. ===============================

  679. If life hands you a lemon, say: “No, thanks. My mom taught me not to accept things from strangers

  680. ===============================

  681. Behind every successful man is the absence of an an~noying woman.

  682. ===============================

  683. Behind every successful man is the absence ~of an annoying woman.

  684. ===============================

  685. Virginity is not a dignity but a~ lack of opportunity.

  686. ===============================

  687. When life gives you lem~ons, d~on’t make lemonade, plant a freaking tree. Sometimes I just stop and think, “Where the hell am I?

  688. ===============================
  689. If life hands you a lemon, say~: “No, thanks. My mom taught me not to accept things from strangers

  690. ===============================

  691. Behind every successful man ~is the absence of an annoying woman.

  692. ===============================

  693. Virginity is not a dignity but a lack of opportunity.

  694. ===============================

  695. When life gives you lemons~, don’t make lemonade, plant a freaking tree. Sometimes I just stop and think, “Where the hell am I

  696. ===============================
  697. Diplomacy: Telling so~meone your dog is cute until you find a rock.

  698. ===============================
  699. Now…correct me if I’m right
  700. ===============================

  701. Life hands you lemons…great now~ who the hell is gonna hand me a knife to cut them

  702. ===============================

  703. My wife is a spoilsport she caught me~ kissing the au pair and she told my secretary.

  704. ===============================

  705. Don’t worry there is always a dumber p~erson than you

  706. ===============================

  707. You’re with my ex? Here, you ca~n have the remainder of my sandwich too.

  708. ===============================

  709. Phone ringing; If th~at’s for me don’t answer it.
  710. ===============================

  711. When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t inhale and never t~ried it again.

  712. ===============================

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