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short funny quotes for you2017


  • Democracy is a process by which the people a!re free to choose the man who will get the blame.

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  • We would all like to vote for the best man b!ut he is never a candidate.

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  • Another way to solve the traffic problems of !this country is to pass a law that only paid-for cars be allowed to use the highways.

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  • This would be a much better w!orld if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

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  • If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

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  • It’s great fun to chat to people’s friends and family members on the phone. I just say `hello, how are you’, but most of the time they don’t believe it’s me. So sometimes they hang up on me.

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  • If a boy has to see a film th!en he must see it with a girl only … otherwise it is an insult of the film, insult of the theater and insult of th!e entire audience in the theater Movie: Rehnaa Hai Terre Dil Mein

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  • It’s great fun to chat to pe!ople’s friends and family memb!ers on the phone. I just say `hello, how are you’, but most of the time they don’t believe it’s me. So sometimes they hang up on me.

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  • If a boy has to see a film then !he must see it with a girl only … otherwise it is an insult of the film, insult of the theater and insult of the entire audience i!n the theater Movie: Rehnaa Hai Terre Dil Mein

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  • What a thing a woman is … if you say anything then her face swells … and if you do anything then her belly swells Movie: Chashme Baddoor (2013)

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  • I feel that India’s story is like walkin!g up a spiral on a mountain. You walk and walk and then you turn and you can see the sky.

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  • There was a time when people said, ‘Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.’ Now they just say, ‘Pay !him

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  • Hey, maybe I’ll give you a c!all sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

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  • My report card always said, ‘Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students

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  • I don’t care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.

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  • Ever since I started to get recognition I’ve picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

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  • I practiced making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.

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  • I practiced making faces in the mirror and it wo!uld drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in! the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.

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  • Behind every great man there is a woman rolling her eyes.

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  • Why did the chicken cross the road?” “I don’t know, why?” “To get to his gay friend.” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “The chicken.

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  • I practiced making faces in! the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept loo!king in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course.

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  • I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.

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  • Always be nice to your children because t!hey are the ones who will choose your rest home.

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  • I love Mickey Mouse more than !any woman I have ever known.

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  • Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

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  • I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

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  • Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

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  • You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

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  • It’s a good thing that when God created the rainb!ow he didn’t consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

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  • Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.

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  • He was so poor that he couldn’t afford a funeral that!’s why he is still alive.

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  • People say the world is a small place, but I bet you, you can’t trek from Nigeria to Kampala.

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  • That weird moment when your scary !teacher flips a tray !of frogs/red mush all over them self while chewing you out for not doing your home work, and you’re the only one who thinks it’s funny.

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  • When people call you photogenic, they’re actually trying to tell you that you look uglier than your pics.

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  • Two wrongs don’t make a right. No, but three will get you back on the freeway

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  • In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.

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  • It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

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  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pret!ty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that litt!le Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on!, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here

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  • I have always wanted to be a leading church choir singer. But that’s until I had all people in the church down in tears laughing. I’m so done with that.

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  • My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

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  • I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

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  • My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

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  • With my wife I don’t get no respect!. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

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  • Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

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  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

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  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

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  • What a doctor I’ve got!—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

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  • Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

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  • Last time I saw a mouth like that, it !had a hook in it.

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  • My doctor told me to watch my !drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

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  • I came from a real tough neighb!orhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.

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  • Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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  • Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” I don’t judge, God does. But God is in me that’s why I do.

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  • I tried coke once. The bubbles burned my nose and I almost drowned.

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  • If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.

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  • If it’s true that our species is alone in t!he universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

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  • Food is an important part of a ba!lanced diet.
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  • We only need to wear shoes !because the British built roads which hurt our feet.

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  • The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey.

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  • The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

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  • If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

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  • There are three kinds of death in th!is world. There’s heart death, there’s brain death, and there’s being off the network.

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  • The Internet is full. Go away.

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  • When it comes to eating !right and exercising, there is no “I’ll start tomorrow.” Tomorrow is disease.

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  • I’m in good shape. That shape is round.

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  • I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running aroun!d doing exercises.

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  • If any of my competitors were drowning, I’d stick a hose in their mouth
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  • My husband calls me ‘catfish.’ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

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  • Good boys and girls go to heav!en, bad boys and girls go everywhere.

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  • Guys- No shirt, no service G!irls- No shirt, no charge

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  • When life hands you lemons, grab! the tequila and salt and don’t forget to call me over.

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  • I lost one hundred and thirty pou!nds … But I don’t miss my wife anymore.

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  • A short man is one who finds h!mself with people who are taller than him.

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  • Books are not made for furni!ture, but there is nothing else that so beautifully furnishes a house.

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  • Happy 4th of July to! all Americans!!!…Well, except for Native Americans. For them, my deepest condolences.

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