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short funny quotes new status2017

  1. Today I sweated more than lady g~aga would when she’s trying to make a gospel album.

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  3. Sometimes I play a game with my ~friends called “Staying Away”.

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  5. Look, I’m no rocket surgeon.
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  7. Why do I need to learn how to ~find X and Y when solving maths…how many doctors, pilots, or engineers have you seen finding X or Y
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  9. Don’t try to make a pig sing, It o~nly frustrates you and annoys the pig

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  12. Cowboys ride horses. Shouldn’t they be called horseboys

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  14. I asked God for a bike but I ~know He doesn’t work that way… So I stole a bike then asked for forgiveness.

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  16. If there is a golden rule then is there a silver and bronze rule?

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  18. Life is like a box of chocolates, doesn’t last as long for fat people.

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  20. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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  22. You are so fat, people jog around you for exercise.

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  24. I’m in shape. Unfortunately, it’s the w~rong one.

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  26. Damn, I forgot to go to the gym yesterd~ay! That’s 10 years in a row now…

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  28. Brain cells come and brain cells go~ but fat cells live forever!

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  30. I’m in good shape. That sh~ape is round.

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  32. Have you ever noti~ced how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three secon~ds

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  34. A woman broke up with me, and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.

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  36. The human brain is a wonderf~ul thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

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  38. While you’re stabbing my back, y~ou can kiss my ass too.

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  40. If you really want to be depresse~d, weigh yourself in grams.

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  42. Cheers to my Haters, There is so much more to come!

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  44. I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

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  46. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

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  48. I walk around like everything is fine. But deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

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  50. A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

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  52. I don’t want to achieve immortality throu~gh my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

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  54. If you don’t want to work, you have to work to~ earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.

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  56. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit an~d look at it for hours.

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  58. Friends are like potatoes, w~hen you eat them they die.

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  60. Valentine’s day without your love ~is like a year without the Internet.

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  62. Any idiot can put up a website.

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  64. The golden rule of work is that the bosse~s jokes are ALWAYS funny.

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  66. I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch~ My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

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  68. The best ideas come as jokes. Make y~our thinking as funny as possible.

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  70. If you die in an elevator, be~ sure to push the up button.

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  72. I don’t care what the~ polls say. I don’t. I’m doing what I think what’s wrong.

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  74. I know a thing or two about procrastination. You know what, how about I tell you later. 

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  76. Pshh. You call that a backflip? Here hold my beer.

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  78. The amount of money that is in your ban~k at the time of death, is the extra work you did which wasn’t necessary.

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  80. If your life isn’t rich and creamy, you bought th~e wrong box of chocolates

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  82. When life gives you lemons throw it back and~ demand lemonade.

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  84. If life throw~s lemon at you~, think something stupid and post it here. Boy2~God : Why my girlfriend loves a rose which dies in a ~da~y and doesn’t love me when I die for her everyday? God2boy : Nice one dude, post it on Facebook.

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  86. When life gives you le~mons..cut them into slices and put them in your corona.

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  88. How do you e~at a computer? One Byte at a time. Just because you’re not paranoid does not mean the have stopped fallowing you.

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  90. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

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  92. I don’t care what the polls say. I don’t. I’m doi~ng what I think what’s wrong.

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  94. I know a thing or two about procrastina~tion. You know what, how about I tell you later.

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  96. Pshh. You call that a backflip? Here hold my beer.

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  98. The amount of money that is i~n your bank at the time of death, is the extra work you did which wasn’t necessary.

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  100. If your life isn’t rich and creamy, you bought the wrong box of chocolates!

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  102. When life gives you lemons throw it back and demand lemonade.

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  104. If life throws lemon at you, think something stupid and p~ost it here. Boy2God : Why my girlfriend loves a r~ose which di~es in a day and doesn’t love me when I die for her everyday? God2boy : Nice one dude, post it on Facebook.

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  106. When life gives you lemons..cut the~m into slices and put them in your corona.

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  108. How do you eat a computer? One Byte at a time. Just because you’re not paranoid does not mean the have stopped~ fallowing you.

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  110. I don’t understand how some pe~ople have the courage to tell their crush they like them. I don’t even have the courage to ask for extra ketchup at McDonald’s.

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  112. I’m not saying she’s fat. I’m just sa~ying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know…. She’d be three of them.

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  114. Want the most simple cure for ch~ildhood obesity? Ice cream trucks that don’t stop.

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  116. Thin people are beautifu~l but fat people are adorable!

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  118. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

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  120. Fat’ is usually the first insult a gir~l throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her.

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  122. Whenever you’re talking to som~eone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 1000.

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  124. Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

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  126. If you fall I’ll be ther~e to catch you.

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  128. If worrying were an Olympic sport, you’d get the gold for sure.

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  130. A diabetic walks into a bakery as asks the girl behind the counter, “What do you have that is safe for diabetics?” The baker says, “Everything. As long as you don’t put it in your mouth.

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  132. Obesity is very easy to catch.

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  134. Good things come to those who wait. But b~ad things come to those who “weight.

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  136. Q. How many calories are there in a~ piece of chocolate? A. Who cares?

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  138. Funny obesity advice: If it tastes good, It’s trying to kill you.

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  140. Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.

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  142. It’s fine if you don’t like me. Not everyone has a good taste.

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  144. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

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  146. ~
  147. You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

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  149. High heels were invented by a wo~man who had once been kissed on the forehead.

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  151. So the Titanic is coming out again but in 3D…I wonder if they will see the iceburg this time

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  153. I love how, in scary movie~s, the person yells out, Hello? As if the bad guy is gonna be like, Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a san~dwich

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  155. You know you are getting o~ld, when y~our friends and relatives compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you aren’t wearing any

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  157. Boyfriend: Want to see a magic trick? Girl~friend: Sure Boyfriend: Poof! You’re single

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  159. A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

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  161. I want to have fun, but I don’t quit~e know how.

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  163. Welcome to the 21st century, where pe~ople can laugh-out-loud without opening their mouth

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  165. I have good looking kids. Tha~nk goodness my wife cheats on me.

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  167. On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

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  169. My marriage is on t~he rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

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  171. We sleep in separate r~ooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

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  173. My wife can’t cook at all. She made ~chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

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  175. I’m taking Viagra and drinking~ prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

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  177. I told my dentist my teeth ~are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

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  179. My wife was afraid ~of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

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  181. My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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  183. When I was born I was so ugly the d~octor slapped my mother.

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  185. I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever som~eone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no

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  187. I told my psychiatrist that every~one hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

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  189. When everyone else is fightin~g over the biggest slice of cake, make sure you quickly eat the rest.

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  191. You’re only as good as your last~ haircut.

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  193. When people give you dirty looks, the dirt i~s on their face not yours.

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  195. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I pick~ed a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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  197. Here’s what I tell people who try to buy ~happiness: stay away from mine. It’s not for sale.

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  199. The only solid and lasting peace betw~een a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.

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