Short Funny Quotes New2017


  • You cry, I cry, …you laugh, I l~augh…you jump off a cliff I laugh even harder!

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  • Never steal. The government hates competition.

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  • Some people are like Slinky’s. Pretty much us~eless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs. 

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  • Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the un~expected expected

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  • This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to~ dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … No~w read without the word dog

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  • Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?

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  • Never argue with an idiot they’ll drag you down to their level and beat you through experience

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  • Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die.

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  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

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  • Smile…It confuses people.
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  • Why are they called apartmen~ts if they are all stuck together?

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  • DON’T HIT KIDS!!! No, seriously, they have guns now.

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  • Don’t knock on death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.

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  • Life is like a hot ~bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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  • An apple a day keeps the ~doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.

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  • I want to kill the hottest person alive… But suicide is a crime!

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  • If you can’t get someone out of your head, .. Then maybe they are supposed to be there.

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  • When I die, I wanna go like my grandpa…peacefully…sleeping…not screaming, like the passengers in his car…

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  • I ran into my ex today…~put it in reverse and did it again

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  • I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better 

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  • I dream of a better tomorrow… where chickens can c~ross roads and not have their motives questioned Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stoppe~d after I started doing the same thing to them~ at funerals.

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  • All guys hate the words DON’T and STOP unless they’re put together.

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  • Save paper, don’t do home work.

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  • Do not drink and drive or you might spill the drink.

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  • Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.

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  • Boys fall for me-
  • Because I trip them.
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  • Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey. It always gets laughs!

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  • I wish my book of life was written in p~encil … There are a few pages I would like to erase.

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  • I’m an excellent housekeeper..Every time I~ get divorce I keep the house

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  • Why do stores that are open 24/7 have locks on their doors?

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  • I love love love this quote! If life gives you lemon~s, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if lif~e makes the same mistake twice.

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  • When life gives you lemons, make grape juice~, then sit back, and let the wold wonder how you did it.

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  • Save water and shower together

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  • If common sense is so common why~ is there so many people with out it?

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  • It is easier to ask for forgiveness tha~n it is to ask for permission.

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  • Whenever I find the ke~y to success, someone changes the lock.

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  • When nothing goes right, Go left.

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  • My mind is like lighting,~ one brilliant flash, then its gone…

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  • Life is a waste of time, tim~e is a waste of life, so get wasted and the time of your life! If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.

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  • Good girls ar bad girls~ that aren’t caught.
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  • Rule #1 I’m always ~right Rule #2 If i’m wrong please look at rule #1

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  • If you fail~to prepare,
  • then prepare to fail

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  • when life giv~es you lemons.. Squirt it in your enemies eyes!

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  • Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

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  • If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back to ~visit, hunt it down and kill it.

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  • When life gives you lemons…throw them over your sh~oulder and look for an orange

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  • Men are like parking spots, the good ones are take~n and the free ones are handicapped

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  • To learn you must make mistakes; when you make a mistake ~you often will get in trouble. So then why do teachers~ punish you when you get into trouble if you are only learning, which is exactly what they want you to do?

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  • A “Lion” would never cheat on his wife but a “Tiger Wood

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  • Adults are just kids with money.
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  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

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  • Why do they put pizza in a sq~uare box
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  • Coffee, Chocolate, Men. The rich~er the better!
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  • I’m not a complete idiot. Some ~pieces are missing.

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  • All I want is for one guy to prove th~at they are not all the same.

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  • School is a jail, the cells~ are the classes, teachers are the security guard and WE ARE THE PRISONERS!

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  • I am free of all prejudices. I hate ~everyone equally.

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  • If Barbie was so popular, ~Why do people buy her friends

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  • Homework is k~illing
  • trees, stop the madness
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  • No’one ~is perfect,
  • well then im no’one
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  • When I speak with my ey~es, I tell more than just one story.

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  • Bet you didn’t notice the the ~word ‘the’ has been said twice. 

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  • Everyone has the right t~o their own opinion… Yours is just wrong.

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  • Rlaely it deson’t mtta~er waht I wirte you’ll sitll uanrtednsnd it

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  • I only drink alchohol on da~ys that end in y…

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  • Flying is learning how to ~fall without hitting the ground.
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  • Teacher: Imagine you’re ~in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do? Boy: Easy, stop ima~gining.

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  • When you are always ahead of others, you are always walking alone.

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  • ~Why is the slowest traffic of the day called “rush hour

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  • There are three types of peopl~e in this world: Those who can count, and those who can’t.

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  • Ok so I appli~ed for a job at a mental hospital and they said I needed 24 hrs experience with a retard..so …uhh…um do you wann~a hang out

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  • I’m fat. But you’re ugly. At least I can diet.

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  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve~ been doing nothing for years. …

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  • You study to remember If ~you remember too much you forget If you forget you don’t know what you studied If you forgot what yo~u studied you fail your test. SO WHY STUDY? xD

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  • Relationship Status: () Single ~() In a relationship () Married () Engaged () Divorced (x) Waiting for a miracle

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  • Never apologize for saying what you feel cos its apologizing for being real.

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  • Is it that we have to be smart enough to get educated or that we must get educated to become smarter…

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  • There are 3 kinds of people in~ the world…those who can count and those who can’t.

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  • Why is is called a “building” when it’s already been built

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  • It takes patience to listen.. It ta~kes skill to pretend you’re listening.

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  • Don’t follow my footsteps I run into walls!

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  • Friends will always~ be like: “You deserve better.” True friends will be prank calling him saying “You will die in se~ven days.

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  • Inside me is a skinny person screa~ming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.

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  • When life gives you lemons then go to th~is site because there are a lot of ideas what to do with lemons.

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  • Dear maths…!! Please ~grow up and solve your problems yourself!

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  • A picture is worth a thousan~d words, but only if you know that many.

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  • A good listener is usually thinking ab~out something else.

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  • So she smashed her rearview mirror, caus~e from now on shes never looking back

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  • Don’t kiss by the garden gate~, love is blind, but the neighbors ain’t.

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  • When life g~ives you lemons say “Screw you” And go find an orange. Everything comes out right in the end, and if it isnt right~, it isnt the end.

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  • Of all the things I’ve lo~st, I miss my mind the most.

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  • Why do grandparents a~nd grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy – the parents.

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  • Vegetarians are killi~ng the rainforest.
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  • When God m~ade me, he was showing off
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  • Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the~ opportunist.

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  • The hardest part about busine~ss is minding your own.

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  • I stepped on a cheerio this ~morning… Does that make me a cereal killer

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  • Smile, and the worl~d will smile with you. Laugh, and they’ll think you’re on drugs!

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  • Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps me down.
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  • Girl: If you were my husb~and I would poison your coffee. Boy: If you were my wife I’d drink it.

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  • I just got lost in thought. ~It was unfamiliar territory.

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  • Video games ruined m~y life. At least I have 2 left.

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  • Life is a game with a ~small fault…there is no “restart button” in it.

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  • Miss are you good in algebra? Do you mind substituting my “x”

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  • ~People want what they can’t have and when they get it they don’t want it anymore. Practice makes perfect, but if no o~nes perfect, why practice? Notice that~ you are noticing nothing worth noticing

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  • If at first you don’t s~ucceed, then skydiving is not for you.

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  • When I see someone that is beautiful, I stare for awhile, and when I get tired, I put down the mirror. 

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  • Walking int~o a restaurant… Waiter: Would you like a table? Me: No, we came to sit on the ground… floor for five please. Me when parents are sl~eeping: shh they’re asleep. My parents when I’m asleep: Let’s vacuum~ for three hours. I learned three things in school: 1. How to text without looking. 2. How to sleep with my eyes open. 3. And teamwork during tests.

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  • Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something.

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  • I’m not immature…i just know how to have fun.
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  • THINK its not illegal yet

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  • If I’m not b~ack in 5 minutes… Wait longer.. Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong? Everybody makes mistakes.. T~he trick is making em when nobody is around.. When~ life hands you lemons… Make apple cider.. Then sit back and have everyone wondering how you did it.

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  • If you have something to s~ay, please raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

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  • People have told me~ to never say never – they broke their own rule!

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  • QUICK!! What’s the number for 911!


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  • Why is there no egg in~ eggplant and no ham in hamburger?

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  • L.O.L has gone from meaning laugh out loud to I have nothing else to say. Pandas are the least racist..they’re black, white, and Asian Silence i~s golden. Duct tape is silver, blue, purple, orange and all those other colors now. I’m afraid of my mailman……..he knows where I live!

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  • Think of how stupid the average person is, an~d realize half of them are stupider than that.

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  • That’s why they call it the American~ Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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  • I went on a diet, stop~ped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

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  • When cheese gets it’s picture~ taken what does it say

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  • Heaven doesn’t want me…a~nd hell is too scared I’ll take over.

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  • I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode”~ and threw it up into the air. Worst Transformer Ever.

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  • If our women with babies use littl~e spoons and forks to feed them. What do Chinese people use? Tooth picks?

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  • Push can get you almos~t anywere, exept through a door marked ‘pull’.

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  • Your intelligence is my common sense.
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  • Anti-Pick~ Up Lines: He: Can I buy you a drink? She: Actually, I’d rather have the money. He: Will you go out with me this Saturday? She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend. He: Go on. Don’t be shy. Ask me out. She: Okay. Go out. He: I think I c~ould make you very happy. She: Why? A~re you leaving? He: Shall we go see a movie? She: I have al~ready seen it. He: Where have you been all my life? She~: Hiding from you. He: Haven’t I seen you some place before? She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

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  • Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

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  • If someone throws a rock at yo~u, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot

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  • Never drive faster than yo~ur guardian angel can fly.

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  • Always follow the lig~ht out of the tunnel. Just make sure that its not a train.

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  • So many men and yet s~o few brains.

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  • So I ran into my ex the other day… then I ~put it in reverse and hit him again

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  • When you get old and your kids ask wher~e all the money went, show them the vacation videos.

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  • THE IMPOSSIBLE…” what n~obody can do until some body does

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  • We are best friends. Alw~ays remember that if you fall, I will pick you up. After I finish laughing

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  • If you weren’t who you are … I’d like you
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  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk.

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  • Sleep till you’re hung~ry, eat till you’re sleepy

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  • What does it mean when you li~ve on a busy street and your mom tells you to play on the road

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  • People tell me there is plenty~ of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish .

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  • If the grass is ~greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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  • I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

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  • As I said before, I never repeat myself.

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  • Your age does~n’t lie. Neither does that face.

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  • Brother: Did~ you know that ’sugar’ is the only word in the English language where the ’su’ makes the ’sh’ sound? Sister: Really?~ Brother: Yeah, I’m sure.

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  • I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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  • POLICE STATION TOILET STOLE~N…Police have nothing to go on

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  • Why fight to liv~e when we live to die??? Young~Blood: Because, perhaps there are few dying to live.

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  • If love is blind then ~how did it find us

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  • If karma doesn’t come a~round and hit you in the face, I will.

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  • If karma doesn’t co~me around and hit you in the face, I will.

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  • He who laugh~s last doesn’t get it, and he who laughs first has the dirtiest mind!

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  • I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

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  • If swimming is so good for your figure then how do you explain whales?

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  • I used to be indecisi~ve, but now I’m not too sure.

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  • There are th~ree kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them~ who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

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  • Why do people say life is short?~ Live the longest thing you could ever do…

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  • If I can’t hear your heartbeat, you’re too far away.

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  • Iwonderifanyoneknowswhatthebigstic~katthebottomofthekeyboardisfor

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  • A brain has two parts: the left part and~ the right part. My left brain has nothing right, while my right brain has nothing left.

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  • I am here so what are your other two wishes? Hating ~me won’t make you pretty! If I followed you home, would you keep me? ~You are like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life

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  • Wise people think all they say~, Fools say all they think

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  • Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlf~riend and I’m just like “I love food”.

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  • Everybody’s has a boyfriend or a girlfriend and I’m just like “I love food

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  • The girl who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

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  • A truthful man doesn’t need a good memory, but a lair does.

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  • I never fall off.
  • I just,
  • Dismount with style.

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  • Don’t believe any rumor until the government denies it.

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  • Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

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  • Superman really isn’t that impressive, anyone can stop a speeding bullet at least once.

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  • My mother texted me “What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?” I answered: “I don’t know, love you, talk to you later” Mother: “OK, I’ll ask your sister

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  • I did not slap you, I simply high fived your face
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  • Old age dosen’t make you forget. Its all the stupid stuff you try to remember

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  • Forget the dog! Beware of kids
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  • Don’t do drugs kids. There’s a time and place for everything. It’s called college.

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  • I scored high on my drug test.
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  • Some Are Called Brave Because They Afraid to Run…
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  • I know I’m in my own little world..but it’s ok..they know me here!

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  • Energiser bunny arrested: charged with battery.

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  • I would agree with you if you were right
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  • When the short people attack you, you won’t see them coming. I didn’t trip; I was testing gravity. It still works.
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  • The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.

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  • People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.

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  • Dogs think: People love me, feed me, pet me, they must be God. Cats think: People love me, feed me, pet me, I must be God.

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  • The future just ain’t what it used to be.
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  • True skill comes without effort.
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  • Laughter is the best medicine but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

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  • I’m not evil, I’m god with a twist. I didn’t hit you. I simply high- fived your face.

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  • Dont face your problem if the problem is your FACE hehehe

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  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? If “poli” means many, and “tics” mean bloodsucking creatures, then what does “politics” mean?

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  • Teachers call it cheating, students call it teamwork.

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  • My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.

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  • An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building and after 50 floors says, “So far so good

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  • Unicorns are real. They’re just fat and gray and we call them rhinos.

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  • Don’t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse.

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  • Omg I’ve just been drinking wet cement and now I’m completely stoned

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  • Omg I’ve just been drinking wet cement and now I’m completely stoned

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  • I am in shape…Round is a shape.

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  • School for 12 years, college for 4 more years, then you work until you die. Cool.

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  • If the stuff that comes out of my mouth upsets you, just think of all the things I keep to myself.

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  • Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

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  • Nine out of ten people like chocolate, the tenth person always lies hehehe

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  • The first sign of madness is talking to yourself, the second sign is replying.

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  • People always tell you to never say never so just say I cant.

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  • An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

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  • Dear life, when I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

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  • I know the secret of life. But I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.

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  • Did you know that 8 out of 3 people don’t get fractions.

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  • The voices in my head aren’t real…my dog told me so.

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  • How to make an idiot wait?? I will tell you later

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  • He: You know.. When you weren’t here, I cried a lot. She: Awww! How sweet! He: Yes but those were tears of happiness! He: Do you know why only 10 percent of women goes to heaven? She: Why? He: Cause if they all went , it would be called hell! He: Hi! She: Hi. He: Have I seen you somewhere? She: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

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  • Many people bring joy in my household, some by coming, others by going…

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  • True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

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  • Dude! You’re scaring me…Stop Smiling
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  • Teacher : If your friend wants to borrow $5 and you gave him $10. How much will you get in return? Student : Nothing! Teacher : You don’t know Maths. Student : You don’t know my friend.

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  • Drive it like you stole it
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  • When ever I get a headache I take two tablet of aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

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  • Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem.

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  • Most popular things to do in an emergency… 60% Update Facebook Status 15% Record a Video, then upload it on YouTube 15% Update Twitter Status 10% Call Emergency Services

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  • Sipho : Dr I have a problem of forgetting. Dr : When did the problem start? Sipho : Which problem

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  • Maybe life should stop giving lemons… It just gives people ideas on what to do with it.

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  • When I drink alcohol…everyone says I’m alcoholic but When I drink Fanta…no one says I’m fantastic.

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  • Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

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  • I’m on a seafood diet.. I see food and then I eat it.

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  • When someone says everything happens for a reason, I’d like to smack them and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.

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  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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  • Meaning of CLASS: C => Come L => Late A => And S => Start S => Sleeping… Many of them don’t know the exact meaning.
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  • If you expect the unexpcted, then isn’t the unexpected the expected

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  • Kids born in 2000 never have to worry about forgetting how old they are.

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  • After exercising I always eat a pizza…Just kidding I never exercise.

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  • I don’t drive FAST, I FLY SloWLy.
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  • Just because I have ADHD does not mean I can’t pay attent…

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  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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  • Feed the hunger or else the hunger will eat you…

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  • I’m not insecure… I just don’t care.
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  • Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

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  • I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

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  • When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.

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  • We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

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  • Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got

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  • When Life Gives You Lemons… Throw Them Back And Demand Chocolate.

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  • Losers are those who have fun winners are those who try hard

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  • Steal money from pessimists. They’ll never expect it back!

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  • I had superpowers until my therapist took them away!

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  • Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, Noo
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  • Some call it stalking I call it love. Why do I end up liking the guy I can only think of. I was uncool before being un~cool was cool! Get like you? naw Get~ like me. I called your boyfriend g*y…and then he hit me with his purse. When I said “I’d hit that” I meant with my car. Go buy yourself a life on e- bay. Few women admit the~ir ages a few men act theirs.

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  • I talk to myself because I only talk to people of a higher class.

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  • If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys
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  • You know how they say, “Don’t try this at home”? I just go to my friend’s house and try it.

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  • Relatives are like fires, the sooner they’re out, the better. The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

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  • Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

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  • Why don’t you ever see Cupid with a girlfriend?
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  • I hate People who are taking drugs, Especi~ally Police and Customs Officers

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  • When someone rings the doorbell, why do ~dogs always assume it’s for them

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  • Childhood is like being drunk, eve~ryone remembers what you did, except you.

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  • There’s no half- singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.

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  • This is my life and I don’t let others ruin it !!… I wanna do it myself 

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  • Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk.

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  • Teacher: If you had five apples on your desk & the Boy next to you took three, what would you have? Student: A Fight.

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  • Be nice to nerds, because you may end up working for one!

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  • Diplomacy is telling someone to “Go to Hell” in such a way, that they look forward to taking the trip.

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  • I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan ~Freeman read me bedtime stories.

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  • A friend of mine: Do you think I am funny~? Me: yeah, every time I look at you.

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  • Who says common sense is common …~ Watching people push the door when it clearly says pull.

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  • I like poetry, long w~alks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick! Why is it that when something is delivered by truck, we call it a shipment, but when it’s delivered by ship we call it cargo
  • ==========================


  • I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it.

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  • If my room is clean, it means that my intern~et is not working

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  • You either like me or you hate me, either way~, you idiots still know my name. I’m not random. I just have many thoughts I feel you shoul~d know.

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  • Someone told me I was immature. Guess w~ho’s not allowed in my tree house now

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  • My opinions may have changed~, but not the fact that I’m right.

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  • Cobra 1 asks cobra 2 Cobra 1 : Are we poisonous? Cobra 2 : Why are you asking? Cobra 1 : I think I just bit my lip.

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  • Tell me what you need, I will tell you how to get along without it. Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive.

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  • If you want to look young and skinny stand next to a bunch of fat old people.

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  • Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about tw~o-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.

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  • What the heck does the “Z” in “LOLZ” mean~…”Laugh Out Loud…Zebras?

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  • If a robot does the robot is it still the r~obot or is it just dancing? The last thing I want to do is hurt you… But it is still on my list 

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  • For all people who make me laugh : Thank you.
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  • I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

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  • The brain is the ~most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth, until you step in the exam hall.

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  • The dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.

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  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and t~hey sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

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  • I’ve lost many things… Of all those, my mi~nd is at the bottom of my ‘to find’ list… You should never care what others think, they don’t do it very often.

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  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy~ pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

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  • ~
  • Fact of life after Monday and Tuesday even the cal~endar says WTF!!!

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  • Sometimes I pretend to be normal but it gets borin~g so I go back to being me.:p

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  • Math problems: Jane bought 72 sofas…~WHO THE HELL WOULD BUY 72 SOFAS

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  • It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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  • Global Warning Or Not…I’m Increasingly Getting Hotter Day By Day

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  • Dont be so open minded that your brain falls out 

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  • You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. Of arrogance, Germany d~oesn’t want to go to war.

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  • Who could be so cruel too put a ‘S’ in lisp.

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  • Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

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  • My psychiatrist said to me, “Take these pills and you’ll be all right.” I told him that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s~ the rest of the world, “I know. But it’s easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world

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  • Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, damn you’re good.

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  • My parents told me “You watch too much TV~ and should try reading more!” So I turned on the subtitles.

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  • Excuse me, does this smell like chloroform

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  • Our parents blame it on the generation but do they think about who raised us. Amateurs build planes professiona~ls built the titanic, how do you feel now?~ When life gives you lemons, throw them back because I mean really? Who likes lemons? Last time I checked heaven wasn’t a bad word. What makes hell one? I mean, it’s in the Bible for God’s sake! The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible. I’m not afraid of Death. What’s he going to do, kill me? I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enou~gh. One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously,~ and change the subject. Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can’t fix it, you have a seriou~t, try three. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. If the pen is mightier than the sword then how come actions speak louder than words. What are your names? He asked “Why? Do you not like yours?” Why is it called “after dark” wh~en it really is “after light”? I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction! When my girlfriend and I fight, I~ tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so~ I can say “Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh”. I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich? Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion s~tars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about. If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? How is it one careless match can start a forest fi~re, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it. How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do something ch~ildish or immature they tell you to grow up. Why when people ask you “What three things would you bring with you on a desert island?” no one ever replies, “A Boat”.

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  • If you see a guy opening a car do~or for a girl, it’s one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car!

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  • Vegetarians, if you want anim~als to live, why do you eat their food.

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  • I do this real moron thing, a~nd it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I l~ike to form my own op~inions.

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  • Smile and the w~orld smiles with you. Laugh ~and they’ll think your on drugs.

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  • Where’s my ch~ips?
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  • I wasn’t sleeping I was just taking a go~od look at my eye- lids. Behind Every Successful Person Lies A Pack Of Haters.

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  • When I get depressed I cut myself ….. A piece of cheesecake.

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  • Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
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  • I’m still waiting for that day…

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  • Save the planet it’s the only one with beer.
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  • I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, ~and a terrible memory.

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  • Boy:Hi can we be friends? Girl: No! Boy: Come on I’m rich. ~Girl: Hi I’m Claire, 22 yrs old,single. Boy: My name is rich…26 yrs ol~d…can we meet for dinner? Girl: Sorry I don’t talk to strangers.

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  • The correct phobic term for the fear of long words? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia 

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  • You: Go to hell.
  • Me: I go on vacations there.
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  • I was born intelligent…..but studies ruined me

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  • The first 40 years of your childhood are always the~ hardest.

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  • There is a fine line between fishing and just standi~ng on the shore like an idiot.

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  • There is a fine line between fishing and just standi~ng on the shore like an idiot.

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  • Business is stealing other people’s money legally.

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  • You know, somebody actually complime~nted me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine

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  • When I was kidnapped, my parents leaped into action…they rented out my room.

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  • If silence is golden, then random screaming in public places is platinum!

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  • I will procrastinate later.

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  • Technology made life easy, Humans lazy.

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  • No one is as ugly as their driving license/identity card picture, nor as good- looking as their Facebook profile pic..

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  • Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to e~xplain to the paramedics.

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  • I hate when you offer someone a sincere c~ompliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

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  • Your future depend on your what you dream, so go to sleep.

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  • Me?? Stalk?? Nah.. I just observe.. At night… Behind a tree… Alone

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  • The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim.

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  • Monday again? Seriously though, I cannot keep doing this every week!

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  • My Reality Check bounced.
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  • It’s better to cheat, than to repeat…

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  • I haven’t lost it. I just misplaced it…somewhere o~n this planet.

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  • Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and y~ou’ll end up in the hospital.

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  • We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bu~bble-wrap.

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  • When life gives you Justin Beiber, ASK FOR T~HE LEMONS BACK

  • S
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  • Once I Realized That You Can Buy Trophies, I Became Good At Everything.

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  • I recently stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now

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  • Good girls are bad girls who never get caught.

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  • Get Well Soon! Why Get Well Soon? Why Not G~et Well Now? I Know Because You Want Me To Suffer

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  • She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

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  • Installing love. ……44%. Installatio~ failed. Error 404: install money first.

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  • Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it doe~s buy everything else. It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable. My ancestors didn’t fight their way to the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

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  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is through is chest…

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  • I’m an outstanding student, teacher often asks me to stand out of the class. Without ME its just Aweso

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  • The pen is mightier than the sword.” Really? Can I sta~b you with a sword, you stab me with a pen and we’ll see who survives

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  • I will not be impressed with technology until I can dow~nload food from the internet.

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  • I’m not dumb, I just think less to avoid all the hea~daches.

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  • Running away does not help you with your p~roblems, unless you are fat.

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  • Behind Every Gorgeous Female, Lies A Lot Of Envious Chicks

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  • How can the world end in 2012l when we ha~ve yogurt that expires in 2013

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  • I feel bad for a giraffe who has to throw up.
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  • My favorite text message “I will be there i~n 5 minutes, if not read again

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  • I feel so lost without you… Mostly because you have my compass.

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  • Stop asking for oranges! Some of us haven’t even received our lemons yet

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  • I don’t believe in superstition because it br~ings bad luck!

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  • Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its m~other is feeling chilly.

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  • Inside me is a thin person screaming to ~get out … But she has trouble being heard through all the fat.

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  • Okay It’s been more than ten years now I confess I let the dogs out

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  • If someone says: “No offense”, he/she is about to say something offensive.

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  • Thanks to all those who ask the awkward q~uestions on yahoo answers so that we don’t have to.

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  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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  • I don’t really care whether a glass is ~alf empty or half full, all I know is that I want my glass filled

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  • Welcome to the dark side. What? Surprised? We lied about the cookies.

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  • If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free

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  • The only way to look slim is to hang ou~t with fat people.

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  • Who invented Mondays, I’d like to have~ a word with him.

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  • As long as there are tests, there will be ~prayer in schools.

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  • Be a nerd – no one can kill what alrea~dy has no life.

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  • All of us would like to vote for the~ best president, unfortunately he is never a candidate.

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  • Immature is the word mature people use to describe fun people.

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  • Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wra~p factory. Imagine the self control needed.

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  • It’s recession when your neighbor lose~s his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

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  • Depression is merely anger without ~enthusiasm.

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  • Everyone is entitled to their ow~n opinion…it’s just that yours is stupid.

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  • Daughter- iPod, SON- iPhone, MOM-~ iPad, DAD- iPay.

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  • It is not easy going through life and being ~perfect. I thought I made a mistake once, but it turned out I was wrong.

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  • Some people talk in their sleep~. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

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  • Insult: If beauty fad~es you have nothing to worry about.

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  • If the batterie~s in our T.V remote are dead … Why do we keep pushing the button until our fingers hurt 

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