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Short Funny Quotes One line2017

  1. It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

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  3. Someday they’re going to call me “M’a~m” without adding “You’re making a scene

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  5. Everything comes out right in the en~d, and if it doesn’t, go left!

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  7. Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

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  9. The trick to entertaining idiots is to give th~em a piece of paper~ that says flip this on both sides.

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  11. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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  13. Sometimes I listen to stranger’s conversation and mentally give my opinion

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  15. Ever stopped to think and forgot to start again?
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  17. If you need advice text me If you need a friend call me If yo~u need me come 2 me But if you need money The subscribe ca~n not be reached.

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  19. If you see one goose ~it is called a goose. If you see more then one its called geese. How come when you see more then one moose it isn’t calles m~eese

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  21. Everyone wants to top in exams but no one wants to study.

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  23. I’m not fat your just too skinny.

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  25. Attraction is temporary love but love is permanent attraction.

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  27. When I get the urge to clean the house… I lay down till it passes.

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  29. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

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  31. Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guy~s want one thing from a lot of girls.

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  33. May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who~ ruins your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.

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  35. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

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  37. Apple wanted to make a iPod for kids. Apparently the name “iTouch kids” didn’t sit very well.

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  39. If you think you are too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.

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  41. I study high. I take the test high. Therefore, I should get high scores.

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  43. I’m the type of girl to walk into a chair and apologize. I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit. I’m not with stupid….We broke up. Note to self: It is illegal to stab~ people for being stupid. The trouble w~ith life is that there’s no background music. Don’t regret doing something, regret getting caught. I didn’t lose my mind. I sold it on eBay! Don’t hate me because I’~m beautiful! hate me because…well…okay…HATE ME BECAUS~E I’M BEAUTIFUL! Imagine your life without me… Miserable huh? Yes, you have the right to your opinion, and I have the right to think you are stupid.

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  45. If someone asks, why is it so hot in here? Say, Okay I’ll get out if you want.

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  47. I’ll admit I’m hot, but don’t blame me for global warming.

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  49. You can learn many things from children. How m~uch patience you have, for instance.

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  51. I don’t have any exs I have whys? Yeah why~ in the hell did I date you

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  53. Toilet paper: highly useful, yet ina~ppropriate as a gift.

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  55. One thing wrong with common sense, it’s not very common anymore.

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  57. If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk. The more I think, the more I get confused.

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  59. Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops ~working when you spill beer on it.

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  61. When everything is coming your way, you’r~e in the wrong lane.

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  63. Are you one of those people who ‘pull’ the door when it says ‘push’?

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  65. When someone says “Can I ask you a question?” they didn’t really give you a choice.

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  67. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: th~e easily offended deserve to be easily offended.

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  69. Why’d the metap~hysical chicken cross the road? ~He didn’t. He astro-projected over it while lucid dreaming, thus avoiding bad karma and reducing his chances of coming back~in the next life as a cracked egg, ready for the skillet.

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  71. First grader: Teacher! I need to pee! Teacher: John~ny, raise your hand first. Johnny: Does that help

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  73. My most brilliant achievement was my abi~lity to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

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  75. Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she look~s great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn out the lights

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  77. My mother never understood the irony in call~ing me a “son- of- a- b*tch.”

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  79. The pen may be mightier than the sword…but n~o one in braveheart carried one.

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  81. You are what you eat. Avoid nuts.

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  83. As an explosive tester I ~love my job. One day while starting to defuse the bomb my best friend and I started to laugh. He laughed because he thought i~t was fun, I laughed because I had no idea what I was doing.

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  85. Employee; Can I have a few days off? Boss: Why? Employee: The voices have been telling me to clean my guns. Boss: Take as much time as you want and don’t hurry back.

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  87. Going to McDonald’s for a sala~d is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

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  89. Old is always fifteen years from now.
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  91. Politics is the art of looking for tro~uble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

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  93. Some times when I am alone, I Google myself.

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  95. Why call it a toothbrush, is it used for brushing a single tooth?

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  97. Who is dumber: The one who actually made the bro~ code into a book… Or… The one who buys it on the internet?

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  99. Valentine’s Day Money- Saving Tip: Break Up on Feb 13th, Get back together on the 15th.

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  101. Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

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  103. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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  105. Here are some more! I wish the dollar store sold gas. I don’t want to brag, or make anyone jealous but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school! If you’re watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. ~Don’t follow it, it will never change. And if the parade gets boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast- forward the parade. I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different. This one my friend told me. Her brother and his friends come up with pick- up lines all day. Here is one of them. I am going to t~ake a hot shower. It’s like a cold shower, but with me i~n it. I lost the entire left side of my body. I’m alright now. I love it when you walk through a spider- web, you all of the sudden learn kung- fu. A man came to the door and asked if I woul~d donate to the local swimming pool. So I have him a glass of water. Help me! I’m choking on an ice cube!. Never mind, I’m good.

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  107. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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  109. Got back from grocery store. Reading the ~ingredients I noticed: The lemonade was made with artificial flavoring. But the dish soap was made with real lemons.

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  111. Guns don’t kill people, it’s mostly the bullets.
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  113. When life gives you lemon you sel~ them on e~Bay. My imaginary friend thinks I’m mentally insane. Drugs cause amnesia and … I can’t remember the other things.

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  115. Cousin: Why are you so lazy? Me: I’m not lazy I’m just saving my energy.

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  117. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. I know it all; I just can’t remember it simultaneously. I like the way your mind malfunctions~. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message… If all else fails, lower your standards. I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think its hell. I no longer fear hell – I’ve worked in Retail. I’m lost. I’ve gone to look for myself. If ~I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. If all else fails, rea~d the directions. If at first you don’t succeed, change the~ rules. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. There you go again, thinking you have rights. If he were any more stupid, he’d ~have to be watered twice week. It’s not what ~you’re called…it’s what you answer to. That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast. There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

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  119. Some say the glass is half emp~ty, some say half full, while they are arguing, I get a refill.

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  121. When life gives you lemon~s, squirt the juice in Justin Bieber’s eyes and run.

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  123. When curiosity sees a ~bright red button that says “Don’t push”, it only reads the second word.

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  125. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

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  127. 3 blonds wer~e walking through the forest when they came across some tracks. “Those are moose tracks” the first blond said.~ “No, there deer tracks. ~” the second blond replied. “You’re both wrong,” the third blond retorted. “Those are elk tracks. ” the blonds were still arguing when a train hit them.

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  129. Nobody likes change, except a wet baby.

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  131. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

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  133. Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thr~own in the air, hit by the ceiling fan, bounced off ~the wall, and fell out the windo~w. Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head. With a hammer. Congratulations! You made it through my spring cleaning of Facebook friends! S. C. H. O. O. L. Seven crap hours of our lives Before. B- e- f- o- r- e not b4. We speak English not bingo

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  135. Reality continues to ruin my life.

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  137. They say, it’s darkest before dawn…so if ~you’re gonna steal your neighbors newspaper, that’s the right time to do it.

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  139. Women’s fault are many. Guys only ha~ve two; everything they say and everything they do.

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  141. Duck tape is like the force. It~ has a dark side, a light side, and keeps the universe together.

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  143. To challenge us, you have to be good. To tie us, you have to be better. To beat us, you HAVE to be kidding!

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  145. To gain something in life you~ have to lose something but the converse is not true.

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  147. If Mickey is a mouse, ~Minnie is a mouse, Donald is a duck, goofy is a dog, then what the heck is going on with Pluto? Is Mickey ~keeping a mentally handicapped guy as a pet?

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  149. I was born a week early, so I’v~e been running late ever since to make up for it.

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  151. I love my girlfriend, b~ut my wife doesn’t.

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  153. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

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  155. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

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  157. Good girls go to heaven, b~ad girls go everywhere.
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  159. The awkward moment when~ Wikipedia has copied your homework.

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  161. It matters not whether you win or ~ose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

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  163. If guns don’t kill people, but p~eople kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?

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  165. If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

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  167. We hang the petty thieves and appo~int the great ones to public office.

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  169. Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is b~ound to interfere.

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  171. People tell me to get a life, I say “H~Y! I’m a gamer! I have tons of lives hahaha”.

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  173. Is it solipsistic in here or is it j~ust me?

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  175. There is only one machin~e in the casino that will give you money. ATM.

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  177. Every time I meet the ~girl of my dreams someone wakes me up.

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  179. Your school GPA is inversely proportional to your girlfriend’s looks and vice versa.

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  181. I’ll be on you faster than a hobo on a ham sandwich.

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  183. When life gives you lemons make lemonade and sell it use the profits to buy an assault riffle and see if life makes the same mistake twice.

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  185. They say that love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug

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  187. All married women are not wives.

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  189. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

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  191. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it most…don’t use it.

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  193. Genius is a person who can do a work in one day…but a fool does it in one year…. Just as we complete our syllabus in one day & our teachers do it in one year… WE ROCK.

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  195. In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ’em not to f*** with you.

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  197. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

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  199. Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time, I think I’ve forgotten this before.

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  201. Had a dream I was awesome woke up…. Still awesome
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  203. Remember: you were once the strongest sperm of your dad. 

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  205. I’m not going to sit here and stand for that

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  207. Flirting is a risky game. One mistake, and you are committed.

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  209. When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.

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  211. If life gives you lemons, squirt them in life’s eyes and steal all of life’s money.

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  213. Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?

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  215. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self- help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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  217. Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on the roll. B- ) or you’re taking cr*p from some a**hole. 

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  219. My password is When my boss said “You’ve been late for the 5th time!” I thought to myself, “Yay! It’s Friday

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  221. *** How many asterisks do you use for your password? 4 out of 5 atheists don’t believe in God. I bet Einstein would have liked color. I didn’t think it would involve thinking. I snore on purpose. Organically grown poisons are healthier. When I was a kid, I could buy a dollar for ten cents.

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  223. When my boss said “You’ve been late for the 5th time!” I thought to myself, “Yay! It’s Friday

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  225. I’m not lazy… I’m just too good in energy conservation.

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  227. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
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  229. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

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  231. I still wonder why goods transported by a “Ship” are called “Cargo” and those by cars are called “Shipment

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  233. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way, that you actually look forward to going there.

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  236. Suicide is a way of telling God, You can’t fire me I quit

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  238. I read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, “I read somewhere

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  240. Doing nothing is impossible. You’re always breathing. When you’re dead you’re being dead. Then when I answer the phone and someone asks what I’m doing why do I always say “Nothing

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  242. I don’t always contradict myself but when I do I don’t.

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  244. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

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  246. Do you know why grandchildren are always so full of energy? They suck it out of their grandparents.

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  248. If you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is a noticeable notice.

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  250. Man can not live by bread alone … he must have peanut butter.

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  252. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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  254. One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.

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  256. No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

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  258. A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

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  260. Have you ever noticed that studying is a combination of student and dying.

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  262. My curiosity didn’t kill the cat but it surely scared the hell out of it.

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  264. The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, but when you get there, you find it’s artificial turf.

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  266. Smile. It irritates those who wish to destroy you. Immature is only a word boring people use to describe fun people.

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  268. Actions speak louder than text messages.

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  270. During surgery: “At least he doesn’t have brain damage.” “Wait… Now he does.

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