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Wise QuotesNew 2017

🔝Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

🔝All generalizations are false, including this one.


Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died


🔝Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.


🔝If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.


🔝My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher⬋⬋⬋⬋


🔝Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which⬋⬋⬋⬋


If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.


🔝I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.



🔝Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it.


🔝I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.


🔝If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.


🔝Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.


It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.


🔝I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.


Never moon a werewolf.


🔝I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing


Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.


🔝When you come to a fork in the road, take it.


I🔝t was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have been better for us--oh infinitely better for us--if the serpent had been forbidden.


I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

⧭Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.


⧭Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.

⧭The best revenge is massive success.

If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.



The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.


In Math class we learned more about algebra today, such as X+10=Y should I care

Finding a treasure is like working on algebra equations, all you have to do is find the X


A few days ago I lost my weapon of Math instruction... my trusty pocket calculator.


⬉Every time I walk out of Math class I want to cry. Now I have to go fail my Math exam, be back in 2 hours⬌⬌

⬉I can't wait for that to never happen.


⬊Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you. -


⬉Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.



Everyone wants your happiness. Don't let them take it!


S⧭ilence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.


🔝How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target⬌⬌⬌

🔝Christmas is the time when you buy presents with the money from next year.

🔝My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

🔝Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

🔝Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years⬌⬌

🔝Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

🔝I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong.

🔝How do you make your cell phone smarter? Turn up the brightness.

🔺The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I actually asked for pizza.



🔺I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.


🔺I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

🔺Don't worry about what to wear today, your smile goes with any clothes.


🔺A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.


🔺If you don't cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole cake, then you only had one piece.


🔺Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!

🔺Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.


🔺If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?


🔺If you don't like me, remember it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.


🔺Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor. 

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