Witty Quotes New2017


  • Doesn’t expecting the unexpec~ted make the unexpected expected? 
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  • Man is the only living being who~ cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it.

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  • Whoever said that nothing was impossible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

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  • There are three kinds of~ people in the world. People who make things happen. People who watch things happen and people who say “What happened

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  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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  • Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist, while you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist.

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  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

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  • I live in my own world but it’s okay. They know me there.

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  • A lie will make it around the world before the truth has time to put on it’s shoes.

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  • Whoever uses the phrase “Easy as taking candy from a baby,” has obviously never tried taking candy from a baby.

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  • You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

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  • If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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  • As I grow older, I pay less attention to what people say…i just watch what they do

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  • I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

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  • You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever

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  • For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

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  • I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.

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  • I used to have superpowers… But a therapist took them away.

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  • Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.
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  • If at first you don’t succeed, …then skydiving is probably NOT for you.

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  • Being British is about driving a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

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  • Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

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  • You can’t spell families, without “lies”.
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  • There are three kinds of people in this world: Those who can count… And those who can’t.

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  • Just when you thought the entire world has forgotten about you…a bill collector calls to remind you that they will never forget about you.

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  • There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while you’re trying to interrupt.

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  • 3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier’s face: Priceless!

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  • When you are at the end of your rope…tie a knot and swing

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  • Having voices in your head is normal. Listening to them, common. Arguing, acceptable. However, when you lose the argument, you’re in trouble.

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  • A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!

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  • The problem with stealing quotes off the internet is you never know if they are genuine

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  • If I’m driving you crazy just remember to put on your seat belt.

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  • I would never jump in front of a bullet for someone..If I have time to jump they have time to move the hell out of the way.

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  • We have fought for our freedom, then we begin to accumulate laws to take it away from ourself.

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  • If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.

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  • An optimist is a person that falls off the empire state building and after 50 floor says so far so good

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  • When I get home at night I look up at the sky and talk to the~ stars pretending its you. It acts just like you though, very far away a~nd never responds to anything I say.

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  • When people ask me with a judging undertone just wh~y it is i’m talking to myself, I answer them: “At least, this way, i’m sure that i’m talking to someone as intelligent as myself, which is as hard to find as a decent answer to that ridi~culous question.

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  • I refuse to have a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent. Don’t be so humble- you are not that great

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  • Indecision may or may not be my problem.
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  • Last night I lay in my bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought; Where the heck is my ceiling?

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  • A guy wants to get his girlfriend something nice for her birthday. She says, “oh, just take me somewhere expensive.” so he drops her off at a gas station.

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  • If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches

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  • Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

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  • There are two rules in life. 1. Never give out all of the information.

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  • saying you are right when you’re wrong only gives you the right to be wrong

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  • If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.

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  • Aerodynamically the Bumble B. Shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble B. Doesn’t know it so it just keeps on flying anyway.

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  • The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog, it feeds the~ hand that bites it.

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  • There is a thin line between genius and insanit~y and I have erased it.

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  • The fridge is a perfect example of ~what’s inside is what matters.

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  • Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
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  • If dreams really come true, what about nightmares.

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  • If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.

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  • Looks are only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone.

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  • Your ex asking if you can still be friends after a break- up is like a kidnapper telling you to keep in touch.

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  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but s~ome abuse the privilege.

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  • A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

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  • Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it does buy everything else. It is better to be rich & miserable than poor & miserable. My ancestors didn’t fight their way to ~the top of the food chain so I could be a vegetarian.

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  • Save a tree, eat a beaver…
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  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportio~nal to the ability to reach it. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas

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  • Newtons Law of Romance: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, It can only be changed from one girl friend to another.

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  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart

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  • Must Do: Make a to- do list
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  • Raisins that look like chocolate chips i~s the reason why I have trust issues.

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  • Expert’ – from the adjective *pert*, meaning ‘lively’ or ‘effective,’ and the prefix *ex- *, meaning ‘not.’ – John Alejandro Kin~g (from The Covert C~omic

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  • Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

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  • As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

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  • It’s recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

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  • 87.6% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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  • The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

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  • You can’t be late until you show up.
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  • The only place you find success bef~ore work is in the dictionary.

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  • My mom has the most awesome daug~hter in the world!

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  • I’d kill for a Nobel Pea~ce Prize.
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  • There’s nothing to fear. Except ~maybe that weird guy over there.

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  • Whoever said the pen was mightier than the sword has obviously never met an automatic weapon. By General Arthur MacDouglas

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  • The IQ of a mob can be determined by takin~g the IQ of the dumbest member, and dividing by the number of members.

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  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

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  • In the end everything we do, is just ever~ything we’ve done. – cory taylor

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  • Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

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  • Some people come int~o our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And some we want to leave footprints on their~ face.

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  • I can resist everything except temptation.

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  • Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

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  • The squeaky wheel doesn’t alwa~ys get the grease, sometimes it just gets replaced.

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  • I may never get out of this world alive but I’ll die trying.

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  • Politics is the second oldest profes~sion on earth and it has a striking resemblance to the first.
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  • It was raining cats and dogs an~d there were poodles in the street.

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  • The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

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  • When you’re working in the hive, you have but two choices. To bee, or not to bee.

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  • Me: Over 90% of the stuff on Wi~kipedia is fake. Person: Really? Were did you hear that? Me: I read it on Wikipedia.

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  • Person (angered): Hey, get that thing~ out of my face! You (calmly): It’s not in your face, it’s in my hand.

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  • The other day at radio~ shack a manager was giving out dead batteries FREE OF CHARGE.

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  • Quickest way to get on you~r feet… miss a car payment.

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  • If your glass is half empty, get a smaller glass.

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  • If you don’t have a sens~e of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

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  • Not being able to sleep ~at night is a real eye opener.

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  • You never learn anything b~y doing it right.

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  • Ask me no questions, an~ I’ll tell you no lies.

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  • My imaginary friend t~hinks YOU have problems…
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  • I really need to stop procrastinating, I’ll start next week.
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  • I once spent a year in~ Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

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