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Witty Quotes Sayings Sms New2017


  • So who cares if I have imaginary friends I like them better than you.

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  • The voices in my head were arguing over who would be me today.

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  • I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

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  • Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

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  • If at first you don’t succeed, see what the loser gets.

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  • Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.

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  • Top 10 reasons I procrastinate:
  • 10.

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  • I’m not opinionated. I’m just always right.


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  • Understanding the single-line quote is like comprehending the bulky book with its title only and correctly.

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  • Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f

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  • When life hands you lemons don’t be afraid to say “No thank you”

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  • Optimism has no inhibitions based on past experience.

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  • He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.

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  • There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

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  • A man mixed with a cat will improve the man, but deteriorate the cat.

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  • I’m not bossy I just know what you should be doing.

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  • I used to be indecisive but now I’m not too sure.
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  • I’m busier than a one legged man in a a** kicking contest.

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  • I used to get lost in the shuffle, but now I just shuffle along with the lost.

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  • A question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy

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  • Nothing but the future lies ahead.

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  • You may think the grass is greener on the other side, it may be because there’s more manure there

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  • I don’t judge God does. I’m the one who makes your appointment.

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  • Why do they call it common sense if it’s so rare?
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  • I used to be apathetic. Now, I just don’t care anymore.

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  • There is no such thing as lousy weather. Just lousy clothing.

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  • Note to self: Don’t forget to write that note to yourself.

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  • A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

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  • I used to think that mone~y was the root of all evil until I wanted to commit a robbery when I was broke.

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  • For a moment, nothi~ng happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

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  • I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

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  • Save the world. Destroy humans.’


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  • Suicide is the most sincere form of self- criticism.

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  • Canada gave America Justin Bieber. America gave Canada the first nuclear wasteland.

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  • Let’s agree that some days we are the pain and some days the a

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  • If life gives you lemons. Eat ~carrots.

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  • Person 1: That lady looks really ~interesting. Person 2: She looks like her daddy.

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  • If a job’s worth doing it’s w~orth doing tomorrow. If a job’s worth doing it’s worth leaving to mommy.


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  • I’m sorry, did that hurt? I thought that there was a gnat on your cheek.

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  • He was a modest man, with much to be modest about.

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  • My Friend doesn’t want Monday to come. I was thinking I could put the word out and see if any of the other days might do a double…Sunday, you Free?

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  • They say you should never look back, so I focused on what was in front of me. Little did I know… A car was coming…

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  • The grass may be greener on the other side…but someone has to mow it!

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  • Dont love the one you love cause the~y may not love you in return , but love the one who loves you cause her heart is in your hands

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  • If my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle.
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  • I was once told I can do an~ything as long as I believe in myself. I wanted to fly so I jumped off a building…. It didn’t work.

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  • When you have wit of your own, it’s a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.

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  • Department of redundancy department.

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  • East or West, Home is best …”I see you’ve not been to North”

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  • Some think way too much of their own worth. Just leave them to bask in the delusion of their own reflected glory.

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  • In the begining, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very unhappy and was widely considered as a bad move…” Douglas Adams

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  • Did you just call me pedantic?


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  • It never rains on a dry day.

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  • I can’t walk a mile in your shoes~. They’re too small.

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  • A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is better!

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  • If you pull enough strings, y~ou’ll end up pulling ropes.

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  • Come to think of it, when *isn’t* it a good idea to go limp and play dead

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  • Wisdom rules untill force goes crazy.


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  • So I’m at that place where they gun you down as death sentence. I think it was in Texas or someplace near. Well, I’m about to be killed and the officer in~ charge is coming up to tell the gunners to hold their fire because I am innocent. You would not believe my luck. At that exact moment, a house nearby catches fire and a wo~man yells out the window, “Fire!”.

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  • I’m not superstitious, just stitious.
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  • A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

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  • Procrastination? what does that word even mean anyways? I’ll look it up tomorrow.

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  • Statistics are overra~ted… 20% of people know that!

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  • A rolling sto~ne gathers no moss… But if I stop the stone then it still takes a long time for the moss to grow.

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  • 45.65% of all statistic~s are made up on the spot.

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  • Somewhere on ~this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

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  • Brevity is the sou~l of wit.

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  • Whoever put the word f~~un in funeral?

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  • ~
  • I’m going to stop putting t~hings off, starting tomorrow

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  • It’s an easy thing to commit a sin, I wonder~ how God expects people to fail doing an easy task.

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