Best jokes english new


  • Pizza Bread!
  • Rahul Gandhi called up Domino's and shouted at the branch manager: You idiot, I just received delivery of pizza from your boy and there's nothing on it!! No cheese, no toppings, nothing - it's just a circle of plain bread! What the hell is wrong with you guys? I am gonna close you guys down permanently and get you personally arrested!!!

  • 10 mins later Soniaji calls back to Dominos and apologises to the manager: Sorry, he opened the box upside down!!!
  • CELEBRITIES   
  • The Haircut!
  • Female version:
  • First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute!

  • Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?

  • First Woman: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.

  • Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.

  • First Woman: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.

  • Second Woman: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. You're like a walking fashion catalogue. But look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

  • Male version:
  • First Man: Haircut?

  • Second Man: Yeah.
  • FUNNY   
  • I'm From IIN...
  • There are 3 kinds of people:
  • 1. Educated
  • 2. Uneducated
  • 3. IIN pass out
  • WARNING: IIN spreading faster than swine flu.

  • What courses do they do at IIN?
  • Theories of Whatsapp?
  • Facebook Mechanics?
  • Laws of Twitter?

  • Mobile internet to get costlier
  • Alia Bhatt: Papa.. Suna Aapne.. IIN Ki Fees badh Gayee.

  • Funny IIN style interview:
  • Interviewer: Where did you graduate from?
  • Candidate: IIN
  • Interviewer: How many doors are there in this room?
  • Candidate: Two.
  • Interviewer: Choose any one to get out.

  • During a heart transplant:
  • Doctor: Shit!!!
  • Nurse: What happened???
  • Doctor: My mobile network is gone.
  • Nurse: So???
  • Doctor: I don't know what to do next.
  • Nurse Why???
  • Doctor: I am from IIN.

  • A policeman pulls Santa for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
  • Santa: Sir, I am learning driving.
  • Police: Without Teacher?
  • Santa: Ji Sir ji, I am from IIN.
  • FUNNY   
  • Fighting a Ghost
  • An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

  • Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

  • In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

  • A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

  • As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

  • The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

  • Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

  • In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

  • A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

  • As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

  • The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"


  • Trumpets and Guns
  • In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

  • One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

  • "What do you mean strange?"

  • "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

  • "So?"

  • "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

  • "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
  • FUNNY   
  • Break the News Doctor!
  • Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

  • "Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news," suggested the eldest son.

  • The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him. "Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me."

  • The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

  • "Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?"

  • "Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of course."

  • The doctor fell down dead with shock.
  • DOCTORS   
  • How Government Works
  • Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

  • Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

  • So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

  • Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

  • So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

  • Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the work correctly?"

  • So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

  • Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

  • So they created the following positions: a timekeeper, and a payroll officer, then they hired two people.

  • Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

  • So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

  • Then Congress finally said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $780,000 over budget, our funds are low and we must cutback overall cost."

  • So they laid off the night watchman.
  • NEWS AND POLITICS   
  • Deadly Talk
  • A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance.

  • A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

  • "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

  • "Yes, my husband."

  • "Are you happy?"

  • "Yes, my husband."

  • "Happier than you were with me?"

  • "Yes, my husband."

  • "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

  • "I'm not in Heaven, dear."


  • Expecting Wife!
  • Just as Santa was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

  • At least two nights a week for twenty years Santa had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

  • When Santa entered the den he was suprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.

  • As the theif was about to leave Santa said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jeeto."

  • The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

  • Santa replied, "Well, she's been expecting you from 20 years."
  • SANTABANTA   
  • Starbucks in Hyderabad
  • They opened a Starbucks in Hyderabad.
  • Waiter: Kya Hona.
  • Customer: Latte ?
  • Waiter: Hau Latoon. Ab Kya Hona Bolo.

  • Customer: Waiter, Cappuccino.
  • Waiter: Kaiku Doosro Ke cuppa Chinu, Andar Bahot cuppa Hai.

  • Customer: Ek Mocca Hona.
  • Waiter: Mauka Sab Ku Hona Life Mein Ek Baar. Ab Kya Hona Bolo...

  • Starbucks closed !
  • HINGLISH   
  • A Secret Dental Affair
  • Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.

  • But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

  • "No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

  • "True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
  • DOCTORS   
  • Deep Sea Fishing
  • Santa and Banta were both fanatics about deep sea fishing. Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

  • So Banta comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Santa...

  • "You wouldn't believe, but in Bahamas I caught a 500 pound Herring."

  • Santa says...." That's nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken American ship.... and the candle was still burning !"

  • They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying.

  • Finally, Santa said to Banta, "Look Banta, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring.... I'll blow out my candle !"


  • Single or Married ?
  • A man got a call from unknown number.
  • Girl: Hi, are you single???
  • Man: Yes, but who are you ???
  • Ans: Your wife.... Aaj Ghar Aana Tab Bataoungi...

  • Another call from unknown number...
  • Girl: Are you married ??
  • Man: Yes, but who are you ??
  • Girl: Your girlfriend,... you cheat!!!
  • Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife.
  • Ans: Wife Hi Hoon Kamine, Aaj Tu Bas Ghar Aaja.
  • HINGLISH   
  • The Way Women Think
  • Husband's Message (by text):

  • "Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"

  • Wife's Response:
  • "Who's Paula?"
  • MARRIAGE   
  • The Haircut
  • A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

  • His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

  • The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

  • After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

  • Love the Dad's reply!
  • "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
  • FUNNY   
  • A Visit to the Dentist
  • A dentist had an old lady patient who was very hard to handle. As soon as she sat in the chair, she panicked and would clamp her mouth shut so firmly that he couldn't get it open to work on her teeth.

  • One afternoon, on about the third try to treat the old lady, the dentist figured out a way to get the job done. He excused himself from the old lady, went back to the reception desk and told his receptionist that as soon as he was ready to work on the old lady's teeth, she was to move up behind her and jab her in the rear with a long pin. Well the receptionist did what she was told, and sure enough, the old lady opened her mouth to holler and that opening, maintained with a pry to keep it that way, got the job done.

  • Finally finishing with his work, the dentist said, "Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

  • "Nope, not so bad," said the old lady. "But I'll tell you this, I never expected to feel the pain of a toothache way down in my ass."


  • Police Raid
  • Ek Baar 4 Yaar Jua Khel Rahe The. Ek Dost Patte Baantne Hi Waala Tha Ki Tabhi Police Aa Gayi...

  • Police Inspector: Tum Sab Jua Khel Rahe Ho. Chalo Sab Lock-up Mein.

  • 3 Freinds, Ek Saath: Janaab!!! Hum Kaha Jua Khel Rahe Hai. Hamare Haath Mein Toh Patte Bhi Nahi Hain. Hum Toh Aise Hi Baithe Hain.

  • Inspector to 4th Guy: Tu Jua Khel Raha Hai, Tere Haath Mein Toh Patte Bhi Hain.

  • 4th Guy: Main Jua Khel Raha Tha? Par Kiske Saath?
  • SANTABANTA  10
  • Love Letter!
  • Ever wondered how a HR manager could write a love letter to his girlfriend?

  • Dearest Ms. Aparna,
  • Sub: Offer of Love!

  • I am very happy to Inform you that I have fallen In love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday) with reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of October (Wednesday) at 15:00hrs.

  • I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending upon compatibility, it would be made permanent.

  • Upon completion of the probation, there will be a continuous on-the-job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses Incurred for coffee and entertainment would be initially shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However, I am broadminded enough to take care of your expenses account.

  • Request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, Failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

  • Wish you all the best.

  • Thanking you in anticipation,

  • Yours sincerely,
  • .....
  • FUNNY  11
  • Secret Service
  • Little Johnny was very proud of his Mangy Mutt.

  • He was playing with it, when a passing gentleman stopped and asked Johnny, "What kind of a dog is that, Johnny?"

  • "He's a police dog, sir!" the boy replied.

  • "What! A police dog? He doesn't look like one."

  • "Oh, I know it," was Little Johnny's answer, "but you see, sir, he's in the secret service!"
  • LITTLE JOHNNY  2
  • Dealing with a Barking Dog
  • A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbou r's dog.

  • It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

  • The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."

  • She goes downstairs.
  • The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
  • The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"



  • Hiding Out!
  • A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello?"

  • "Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

  • "Yes," whispered the small voice.

  • "May I speak to him?"

  • The child whispered, "No."

  • Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

  • "Yes."

  • "Well may I speak to her, then?"

  • Again the small voice whispered,"No."

  • Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

  • "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

  • Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak to the policeman?"

  • "No, he's busy," whispered the child.

  • "Busy doing what?"

  • "Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered reply.

  • Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

  • "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

  • "What,s going on there?" demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.

  • Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team has just landed a helicopter."

  • Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

  • Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME!"
  • CHILDREN   
  • How to Avoid The Flu?
  • Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

  • Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air.

  • Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

  • OR

  • Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?
  • Because alcohol kills germs.

  • So....
  • I walk to the liquor store (exercise)
  • I put lime in my Corona (fruit)
  • Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
  • Drink outdoors on the bar patio (fresh air)
  • Tell jokes, laugh (eliminate stress)
  • Then pass out. (rest)
  • The way I see it...
  • If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

  • My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
  • FUNNY   
  • Is it Yours?
  • A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers-to-be, are pacing nervously in the Maternity Ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

  • "Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

  • "Certainly not," he retorts.

  • "Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

  • "How about you?" she asks the Jew.

  • "Maybe," he says, glumly. "My wife burns everything."
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Stupid Hunters
  • A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

  • The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

  • He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

  • The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

  • There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

  • He says, "OK, now what?"


  • Women Drivers!!!
  • Driving into the city this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on eyeliner.

  • I looked away for a couple seconds shaking my head in disbelief and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her darn makeup!

  • Well, it scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut right out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car out using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my other ear, which fell into the coffee mug between my legs and making me scream in pain and DISCONNECTING A VERY IMPORTANT CALL!!!

  • DANG CRAZY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!
  • FUNNY  1
  • Once and Only Once
  • A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

  • "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

  • The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

  • "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

  • Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

  • "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

  • "That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

  • Just then a young man enters the office.

  • "Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

  • "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
  • FUNNY  1
  • The Gossipers
  • A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop. One day they were sitting very very quietly.

  • A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

  • He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."
  • FUNNY  4
  • Beautiful or Cute???
  • There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

  • His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

  • His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

  • Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful' it was 'cute.'

  • She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

  • His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"
  • ====================================
  • Work Telephones
  • The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting... on a Saturday morning... after breakfast...

  • Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

  • Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

  • Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

  • Maid: So, what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !!!!!
  • FUNNY  4
  • A Cold Day!
  • There was an english man, who was singing, "There was a cold day," whilst having a shit in cinema toilets.

  • Our Banta walks by and hears him singing, "There was a cold day, There was a cold day," he slam`s the door wide open.

  • The englishman in a shock says, "What the bloody hell are u doin ?"

  • Banta replied, "Oh, sorry ! I thought you ar saying, 'Darwaza Khol De' (open the door)."
  • SANTABANTA  16
  • Women and Shopping
  • A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

  • The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

  • As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital.

  • She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

  • Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

  • The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!"

  • The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began sobbing.

  • The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."
  • DOCTORS  3
  • Atheist Holy Day
  • In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

  • The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

  • The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

  • The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

  • The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

  • The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned..



  • Management Lessons from Gabbar Singh
  • Gabbar Singh was a MANAGEMENT GURU as is reflected in some of the timeless management lessons he delivered thru the movie Sholay.

  • 1. Jo Darr Gaya Samjho Mar Gaya - Courage and enterprise are important factors for laying the successful foundation of a growth oriented business.

  • 2. Kitne Admi The ? - It's important to know the competition and its size. He understood that even a small team can make a difference.

  • 3. Arey O Sambha, Kitna Inaam Rakhe Hai Sarkar Hum Par ? - Promoting one's own brand is very important and to be reiterated always.

  • 4. 6 Goli, Aur Aadmi 3! - Create an illusion where his insurbodinates had a chance of survival but kills them in the next scene. Moral - Perform or perish.

  • 5. Le Ab Goli Kha - Sometimes in the interest of the organisation you have to take hard and unpopular decisions.... So sometimes a leader has to 'fire' some employees.

  • 6. Yeh Ramgarh Waale Apni Betiyon Ko Kaunsi Chakki Ka Aata Khilate Hai Re - Market research is important to understand value propositions !!

  • 7. Yeh Haath Mujhey Dedey Thakur - Identify elements of threats in the market and take measures to minimise them.

  • 8. Holi Kab Hai, Kab Hai Holi ? - Conduct advance mapping of key events within the industry and devise penetration strategy to have a competitive edge over your rivals.
  • HINGLISH  30
  • Walking Backward!
  • Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

  • When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

  • One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

  • Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me, 'You've got such a great ass it could bring a dead man back to life.' So I'm not taking any chances!"
  • MARRIAGE  7
  • The Arab Pilot
  • During the war between Israel and the Arab Countries an Arabic plane was shot down. The pilot was captured and the Israelis tries to get him to tell all technical details about the plane.

  • "How fast can it fly?"

  • The pilot says nothing and the Israelis gives him a good beating.

  • "How many rockets does the plane carry?"

  • Again the pilot doesn't responds and he get another good beating.

  • "What is the maximum altitude of flying?"

  • The pilot responds with silence, and get another beating. This goes on and on and the Israelis get nothing out of the Arabic pilot so they decide to release him.

  • When the pilot returned home he was considered to be a national hero and he get interviewed by a reporter. The reporter asks the pilot if he has any tips to other pilots if they get caught.

  • "Make sure you know all the technical details about the planes, otherwise they beat the crap out of you!"
  • MILITARY  5
  • Hyderabadi Mother...
  • Mom: Beta where are you now? It's 1.00 AM na Beta, come home fast!

  • Son: Who's This ???

  • Mom: Arre O Murde!! Zaleel. Kaha Hai Re Ttu? Itti Raat ho Gayi Na, Kidar Mara Re. Awara Gardi Karte. Jaldi Ghar Ku Aaa.

  • Son: Aji ammi Tum Hai ??? Iti Izzat Se Baat Karre Toh Mai Samjha Ki ABBA Dusri Shadi Kar Liye. Abhi Aaroo.


  • Military Training
  • Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?

  • So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions. The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.

  • Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"

  • So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.

  • Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"

  • The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
  • MILITARY  4
  • The Poker Game
  • A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

  • Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

  • Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."

  • To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

  • The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

  • Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

  • Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

  • Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
  • RELIGION  5
  • Breakfast Menu
  • Officers' Mess notice for Sunday Breakfast:

  • We are serving gently browned, delicately hand-rolled whole wheat pancakes for lunch today, stuffed with a mixture of lightly spiced mashed potatoes, sauteed onions livened up with just a hint of chilli, mint and coriander and topped with a swirl of golden butter.

  • Accompaniments include beaten, fluffy yoghurt light as air and a home-made dip made from tender, young mangoes and spices, red as uncut rubies...!!!

  • Hindi Translation:
  • We are serving 'Aloo Parathas' with dahi and achaar..!!!
  • MILITARY  5
  • Cross Eyed Bull
  • Banta had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

  • "Banta, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

  • The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Banta was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

  • He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me 1000 bucks for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

  • He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Santa.

  • "Santa, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

  • Banta started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

  • Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

  • Santa went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

  • "What the hell are you doing, Santa?" says Banta.

  • "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"


  • Honest Job Interview
  • 1. Why did you apply for this job?
  • I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it's just that you called me first.

  • 2. Why do you want to work for this company?
  • I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

  • 3. Why should I hire you?
  • You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

  • 4. What would you do if this happened?
  • Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...

  • 5. What is your biggest strength?
  • I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the fate of company.

  • 6. What is your biggest weakness?
  • Girls

  • 7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?
  • Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to get more money, so I am here today.

  • 8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
  • Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

  • 9. Describe a challenge that you faced and how did you overcome it?
  • Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

  • 10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
  • For the same reason why you left your previous job.

  • 11. What do you want from this job?
  • No work and good hikes.

  • 12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
  • Making more money and for that I keep switching jobs every two years.

  • 13. What do you know about our company?
  • I knew you will ask me this question. So, I've gone through your website.

  • 14. What salary are you expecting?
  • Well, no one will change his job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting right now. I know you will bargain on whatever I ask. So I have already hiked my current salary by 30%.
  • FUNNY   
  • Castaway!
  • A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.

  • Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl.

  • "Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!"

  • Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked, "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?"

  • "Almost four years, I think" he replied.

  • She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed."

  • "Well, hot damn!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"
  • FUNNY   
  • Phenomenol 2 Letter Word
  • I'm sure you will enjoy this. One word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep is UP. Read until the end... you'll laugh.

  • This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
  • It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

  • At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

  • At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

  • To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

  • And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

  • We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

  • To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

  • If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

  • When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now...... my time is UP!

  • So, did this whole thing, crack you UP?

  • Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not... it's UP to you.

  • Now I'll shut UP!
  • DOCTORS   
  • First-time Flyer
  • Mallu boarding a plane.
  • Air hostess is smiling.
  • Mallu: Tatti Vandi!
  • Air hostess (shocked): What???
  • Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
  • Air hostess calls steward.

  • Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
  • Steward: What????

  • Mallu thrusts his boarding pass below the steward's nose.

  • Steward looks at it and bursts out laughing. Composes himself, and says: Sir, seat 31 D is in the center. This way please!


  • A Job Application
  • This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells.

  • NAME
  • Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

  • SEX
  • Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

  • DESIRED POSITION:
  • Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

  • DESIRED SALARY
  • Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

  • EDUCATION
  • Yes.

  • LAST POSITION HELD
  • Target for middle management hostility.

  • PREVIOUS SALARY
  • A lot less than I'm worth.

  • MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
  • My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

  • REASON FOR LEAVING
  • It was a crap job.

  • HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
  • Any.

  • PREFERRED HOURS
  • 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
  • Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

  • MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
  • If I had one, would I be here?

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?
  • Of what?

  • DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
  • I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

  • HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
  • I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

  • DO YOU SMOKE?
  • On the job - NO!
  • On my breaks - YES!

  • WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
  • Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

  • NEAREST RELATIVE
  • 7 miles

  • DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
  • Oh yes, absolutely.

  • They hired him because he was so funny.....
  • FUNNY   
  • Pearls of Wisdom!
  • The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.
  • THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice.
  • No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.

  • If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
  • She must immediately change some or all THE RULES.

  • The Female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
  • The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

  • The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

  • The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  • The MALE must remain calm at all times, Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

  • The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

  • The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.

  • Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.

  • If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void.

  • The FEMALE is ready when she is ready, The MALE must be ready at all times.
  • MARRIAGE   
  • The Monks and a Woman
  • Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the roadsides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a deep puddle of water.

  • The elder of the two monks went up to her and lifted her in his arms, carried her over the puddle and left her on the other side of the road. Afterwards, he continued on his way to the monastery.

  • The younger monk was both confused and slightly upset by the elder monk's actions.

  • Later in the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and testily said, "Sir, as monks, isn't it true that we cannot touch women?"

  • The elder monk answered, "Yes, brother."

  • The younger monk then responded, "But then, sir, how is it that you lifted that women on the roadside?"

  • The elder monk smiled at him and said, "Brother, I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her."
  • RELIGION   
  • IQ Upgrade
  • Santa: You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly.

  • Tech Support: What does it say?

  • Santa: Something about an error and non-system disk.

  • Tech Support: Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?

  • Santa: No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside. How do I get that one out?

  • Tech Support: It's actually fairly easy if you had the IQ upgraded lately. Have you had that done?

  • Santa: No, I don't think so. I'm always one of the last to get the new stuff.

  • Tech Support: OK, then go tell your manager that I said you qualify for an IQ upgrade.
  • =============================
  • Interfaith Seminar
  • I went to a mixed religion seminar.

  • The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"

  • I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

  • The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"

  • I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

  • The Mullah came, took my hands and said, "Insha Allah, you will walk today!"

  • I snapped at him, "There's nothing wrong with me."

  • The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"

  • I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

  • After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
  • RELIGION  3
  • A Tale With a Twist
  • A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"

  • One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!

  • 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

  • When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!

  • The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!

  • If you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor, its because you have been watching too many hindi movies or have been reading too many motivational books.
  • FUNNY  14
  • A Smart Salesman
  • A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

  • The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

  • The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

  • The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

  • After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

  • The Aussie said, "One!"

  • The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

  • "Pound 188,427.55"

  • The manager choked and exclaimed, "Pound 188,427.55!!! What the hell did you sell him???"

  • "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.

  • "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4."

  • The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

  • "No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... "Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
  • FUNNY  2
  • Alia Bhatt Does it Again
  • Once Alia Bhatt was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

  • Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

  • Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.

  • Two weeks later, she got five challans for driving without a seat belt..



  • Mom Knows Everything
  • 5 year old boy: I Love you Mom.
  • Mom: Awww ! I Love you Too.......

  • 16 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom.
  • Mom: Sorry ! I Have no money...

  • 21 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom.
  • Mom: Hmmmmm... who is she and where she lives ?
  • Moral: Mom knows everything.

  • But the Best is...
  • 35 yr old man: Mom I love you.
  • Mom: I told you before itself, don't marry that girl....

  • And the award winning one...
  • 55 yr old man: Mom I love you...
  • Mom: Son I will not sign any paper...
  • FUNNY   
  • Arnab Special!
  • After Alok Nath & Alia Bhatt, it's Arnab Goswami series.

  • After creating this complex world, GOD was worried, who will decide what is RIGHT and what is WRONG ?
  • So he created ARNAB GOSWAMI.

  • Arnab Goswami might probably be the only guy in this world to fight with his wife & win.

  • If we could place a mini turbine inside Arnab Goswami's throat, the resultant electricity can power all the Times group building.

  • Arnab Goswami is inversly proportional to Manmohan Singh.

  • If you find Arnab Goswami's pic with his mouth closed, then that camera has a very good shutter speed.

  • Arnab Goswami is fluent in English & weak in grammer becoz he does not use full stop or comma.

  • From the moon you can see the great wall of china and hear Arnab Goswami shouting "The nation wants to know."

  • Proposed airport near Times Now studio cancelled as noise from newshour could weaken the structure and intercept signals.

  • When Arnab Goswami says, "I will speak now," everyone looks puzzled, wondering who was speaking till now?

  • Whats the similarity between Arnab Goswami & Google?

  • Both interrupt you before you complete the sentence.
  • FUNNY   
  • Bengaluru Special
  • If you throw a stone randomly in Bangalore, chances are, it will hit a dog or a software engineer. While the dog may or may not have a strap around his neck, the software engineer will definitely have one.

  • In India we drive on the left of the road. In Bangalore, we drive on what is left of the road.

  • Q: What is the easiest way of causing traffic accidents in Bangalore?
  • A: Follow the traffic rules.

  • A guy who was hunting house in Bangalore meets old lady who is potential landlord.
  • Old lady: Where do you work, son?
  • Guy : I work in Infosys.
  • Old lady: Oh, that bus company! Sorry, we rent only to good IT people. It would appear that Infosys operates more buses than BMTC in Bangalore.

  • Bangalore, where PG (Paying Guest) is the first business and IT, the second.

  • When someone says, 'It's raining in Bangalore,' be sure to ask them which area, which lane and which road.

  • If a Bangalorean stops at a traffic light, others behind him stop too because The others conclude that he has spotted a policeman that they themselves have not.

  • Bangalore is the only city where distance is measured in units of time.
  • Rickhsaw driver, grocery seller and common shop keeper thinks that you earn atleast 1 lakh p/month if you are in IT sector.

  • Out of every 100 software engineers in Bangalore, 90 are utterly frustrated and rest have a gf/bf.

  • Bus drivers use horns instead of brakes.

  • Bangalore: The City where more people know Language C than kannada.

  • Universal answer in Bangalore is: Adjust Maadi.
  • FUNNY   
  • Appraisal Comments
  • What if Shikhar Dhawan was to be rated in corporate style after he hit a century against South Africa????

  • Dear Shikhar Dhawan,
  • Firstly, congratulations on team India's 130 run victory against South Africa. That is very much appreciated.

  • We are pleased to announce that you have been awarded a rating of 'C' (Average Performer) for this match. We realised that your score of 137 was not required when India could win by 130 runs anyway. Only 7 runs from you were needed for the win.

  • We thank you for your efforts and we wish you all the best for rest of the series. Should you have any questions on the appraisal system, please feel free to contact us during your net practice.


  • Bullshit!!!
  • A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

  • "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

  • The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

  • The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

  • Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

  • Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
  • ANIMAL KINGDOM  5
  • Stuttering Myths
  • A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

  • "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

  • A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

  • The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

  • "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

  • "That must've been scary," said the teacher.

  • 'It sure was,' said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF' but before she could say... 'F * ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

  • The teacher had to leave the room.
  • CHILDREN  9
  • Don't Mess With Your Girlfriend
  • Girl: I Love You.
  • Boy: Ha ha ha.

  • Girl: I Miss You I Miss You.
  • Boy: Hahahahaha...

  • Girl: Me Tumhari Khatir Apni Jaan Bhi De Sakti Hun...
  • Boy: Hahahahahahahaha...

  • Girl: Tumhare Bina Me Zinda Nahi Reh Sakti.
  • Boy: Hahahahahahahahahahaha....

  • Girl: Mere Mummy Aur Daddy 1 Week Ke Liye Bahar Jaane Wale Hain. Main Ekdum Akeli Rahungi Ghar Main.
  • Boy: Kab???
  • Girl: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.... hahahahahahaha... hahahahahahahaha.... hahahahahahahah.... hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha... hahahahahahahaha haha...

  • Boy: Kab Jaanu ??
  • Girl: Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahaha.... hahahaahahah... haahahhaahhahahahahaha......

  • Boy: Bolo Na Janu, Kabbb??
  • Girl: hahahahahahaha.... hahaahahah.... haahahhaahhahahahaha.... hahahahahahahaha.... haahahahhaahahhaahhahaha......
  • HINGLISH  49
  • Retired Husband!
  • After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Wal-Mart Dear Mrs. Harris:

  • Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  • 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
  • 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  • 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
  • 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
  • This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
  • 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
  • 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
  • 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
  • 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
  • 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
  • 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
  • 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
  • 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
  • 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
  • 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
  • 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

  • And last, but not least:
  • 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
  • One of the clerks passed out.


  • You Gotta Stay Happy
  • If you are in Love:
  • - Make the best of it.
  • - Don't doubt anythng.
  • - Enjoy it because nothing lasts forever.

  • If you just Broke up:
  • - Don't cry! Remembr that you had a good time.
  • - Neverstay alone! Your friends are there.
  • - Hug more people.
  • - Stop listening to sad music! It only make things worse.

  • If you are Single:
  • - Stay happy.
  • - Hang out with friends & family.
  • - Try looking for someone, who you think is the best for you.

  • If you are Married:
  • -Game over...
  • Just delete this msg & get back to work...
  • FUNNY  15
  • Gayle's Appraisal Interview
  • Gayle: Sir, I scored 211 Runs in 118 Balls. I made the team win the crucial match. I should get "A" rating.

  • Manager: You hit 17 Sixes and 23 Fours. Though, that is good but that is not something new you have done. That is why we hired you. As this is not something new, I will mark it as "Innovation Lacking.'

  • Gayle: But sir, I played according to the situation. I took 21 singles as well.

  • Manager: Exactly, your performance is not consistent. You played 15 Dot Balls as well. This means, you failed to optimize the resources.

  • Gayle: But...

  • Manager: Also, I would like to mention that you are not a team player. The whole team scored 112 and you all alone made 211.

  • Gayle: What ???

  • Manager: Yes. So, overall, you are getting a "C" rating for the year. Improve Consistency, Innovation, Utilization and Team Work.
  • SPORTS  25
  • It's Payback Time
  • Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

  • Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

  • When the newl-wed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

  • Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

  • At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five!!!"
  • MARRIAGE  1
  • WC Teams' Report Card
  • Comparing World Cup teams with Academics Performance.

  • India: A unpredictable student who either tops or fails miserably and has a rich daddy. Even if he fails the mother covers up by saying 'Atleast he has better marks than his other classmate called Pakistan.'

  • South Africa: A student who tops in units and semesters, but fails in the final exams.

  • Pakistan: A student who has the potential of being a topper but spends most of his time fighting and even beating other schoolmates. Either blames the teacher, paper quality of the exam paper, or fellow classmate (India) for his non-performance.

  • West Indies: A student who was a topper till 5th grade but currently fails in every exams. Has a tendency of not preparing for the final exams and also leaving midway from the examination hall.

  • New Zealand: A student who always scores a distinction but never tops the class.

  • Australia: A student who is always a topper and the biggest bully of the school.

  • Sri Lanka: A student who suddenly became a potential topper after 5th grade.

  • England: A rare case where the teacher is still a student who has never cleared a final exam.


  • A Dinner Date
  • Pappu met up with his close friend Bunty and told him that he had just met the girl of his dreams. He asked Bunty for advise on how he should proceed!

  • The wise and experienced man of the world, Bunty said, "Well, send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal."

  • Pappu liked the idea, so he followed Bunty's advice and invited the woman. Next day after the dinner Bunty called Pappu and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.

  • Pappu cried, "It was a complete flop."

  • Bunty asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come to your house?"

  • Pappu replied, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!"
  • PAPPU  23
  • Squirrels are Nuts!
  • A pedestrian stepped off the curb to cross the street and a car suddenly came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him. He started to run, trying to get out of the way but the car changed lanes and was still coming at him.

  • He turned around to go back to the curb but the car changed lanes again and was heading right for him. As the car approached, the man became so frightened that he froze and stopped in the middle of the road.

  • At the last possible moment, the car swerved and screeched to a halt right beside him.

  • The window rolled down and he was amazed to see that the driver was a large squirrel.

  • The squirrel looked him up and down and said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
  • ANIMAL KINGDOM  4
  • The Bragging Texan
  • I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was, "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

  • I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the Magnificent Niagara, knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this Wonder of Water & Power.

  • While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"

  • He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
  • COMMUNITIES  5
  • Smaller Eggs!
  • It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

  • The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"

  • The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"

  • Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

  • The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

  • The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."


  • Alia Ke Kisse
  • Alia Bhatt: Hey dad, what's the plan for weekend ?
  • Mahesh Bhatt: Income Tax Returns.
  • Alia Bhatt: Hey, first Part Kab Release Hua Tha?
  • Mahesh Bhatt: Jaa Meri Maa, Tu Shooting Pe Jaa!!!

  • Alia was Participating 100 metres Race...
  • Referee said: 1, 2, 3, GO....
  • Everybody started running except Alia Bhatt.
  • Referee: Why are you not running...?
  • Alia Bhatt: My number is 4.

  • SBI Bank: Humara Bank Aapko bina Interest Ke Loan De raha Hai....
  • Alia Bhatt: Agar Dene Mein Interest hi Nahi Hai Toh Kyun De Rahe Ho? Nahi Chahiye....

  • Alia Bhatt: Let's go for movie .
  • Varun: Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment today.
  • Alia Bhatt: Just cancel it, tell him you're sick.

  • Alia reading newspaper.
  • News: Indian athlete lost gold medal in long jump.
  • Alia comments: Idiot !!! Who told him to wear gold medal while jumping!!!

  • Deepika Padukone: I have more Fans than You.
  • Alia Bhatt: Big deal, I have AC at Home.
  • HINGLISH   
  • What's Tanjooberrymutts?
  • By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China! Believe me... you WILL understand!!! The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...

  • Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.

  • Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

  • Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?

  • Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.

  • Room Service: Ow ulai den?

  • Guest: .....What??

  • Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?

  • Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.

  • Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?

  • Guest: Crisp will be fine.

  • Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?

  • Guest: What?

  • Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?

  • Guest: I.... Don't think so...
  • RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes???

  • Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

  • RoomService: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?

  • Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

  • RoomService: We botter?

  • Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.

  • RoomService: Wad?!?

  • Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.

  • RoomService: Copy?

  • Guest: Excuse me?

  • RoomService: Copy.. tea... meel?

  • Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.

  • RoomService: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??

  • Guest: Whatever you say.

  • RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts.

  • Guest: You're welcome 

  • Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
  • And you do now, don't you!
  • COMMUNITIES   
  • Google Adsense
  • Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts?

  • Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email.

  • So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard, then I'm going to be forced to bone Santos our pool boy."

  • Then Google will include three ads in her message:
  • First for Viagra to offer help for your problematic erectile dysfunction.
  • Second for Purina dog food to help build healthy bones.
  • and to satisfy the most important need - a local pool service.
  • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY   
  • Calling Customer Care...
  • Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past December, and the bank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
  • Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

  • Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

  • Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.

  • Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

  • Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

  • Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

  • Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

  • Citibank: Excuse me?

  • Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?

  • Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

  • Supervisor gets on the phone:
  • Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

  • Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

  • Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

  • Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

  • Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)

  • Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

  • Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

  • After they get the fax:
  • Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

  • Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

  • Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

  • (What is wrong with these people?!?)
  • Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

  • Citibank: That might help....

  • Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

  • Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
  • Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet?


  • The In-laws Ministry
  • A mother-in-law explaining work to her newly wed Daughter-in-law.

  • "I am Home Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house, yur Father-in-law is the Foriegn Minister, my Son, I mean your husband runs the Ministry of Demand and Supply, and, my daughter runs Planning & Developement Ministry. Now you tell me which Ministry would you like to run?"

  • Daughter-in-law instantly replied with a smile, "Dear mother-in-law, I'll be the leader of OPPOSITION..."
  • MARRIAGE   
  • All Is Well...
  • At dawn the telephone rings...
  • "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
  • "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
  • "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
  • "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
  • "Si, Senor, that's the one."
  • "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
  • "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
  • "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
  • "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
  • "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
  • "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
  • "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
  • "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
  • "Are you insane?? What water cart?"
  • "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
  • "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man???"
  • "The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
  • "What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
  • "Yes, Senor Rod."
  • "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
  • "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
  • "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
  • "Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club."
  • SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........

  • "Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep trouble!!!"
  • GOLF   
  • The Deer Hunter
  • A man decided to take his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time.

  • After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information, "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator." he said.

  • They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his blonde wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

  • When he got to his blonde wife she was arguing with another man who was waving his hands in the air.

  • The man said, "OK, fine lady you can have your deer but do you mind if I get my saddle off before you take it away."
  • BLONDES   
  • How to Annoy a Bong...
  • A is for Apish (Office). This is where the average Kolkatan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. If he is in the Government he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 5. It's a hard life!

  • B is for Bhijon. (As in teli-bhijon) For some reason most of the Bengalis don't have good bhijon. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time. The effects of this show in the city.

  • C is for Chappell. This is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying 'go to bed, or Chappell will come and take you away.'

  • D is for Debashish. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in.

  • E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10,089 times every year. (That's counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words).

  • F is for Feesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh, what feeesh is theeesh!'

  • G is for Good name. Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda, Chonti, and Dinku. While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa, Champa and Buri. Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name.

  • H is for Harmonium. The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

  • I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

  • J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same!

  • K is for Kee Kando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

  • L is for Lungi. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest.

  • M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 race drivers.

  • N is for Nangtoe. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

  • O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)

  • P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

  • Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

  • R is for Robi Thakur. Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches and walk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and Mumbai!

  • S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he is born with a semi-monkey cap on.

  • T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

  • U is for Ambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.

  • V is for Violence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse, but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

  • W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is under water and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

  • X is for X mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up.

  • Y is for Yastarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali.

  • Z is for Jeebra, Joo, Jip and Jylophone.



  • Girlfriend Hone Ke Phaayde
  • Hamare Purush Users Ne Hhumse Poochha Hai Ki Jeevan Mein Premika Ke Hone Ke Kya Phaayde Hain. Atah Aaj Hum Batayenge Ki Jeeven Mein Girlfriend Hone Ke Kya-Kya Faayde Hain.

  • 1. Doston Mein Aapki Izzat Bad Jaati Hai
  • Ye Jeevan Ka Ek Kadva Sach Hai Bhakton. Aajkal Usi Ladke Ki Har Koi Izzat Karta Hai Jiski Girlfriend Hoti Hai. Bina Girlfriend Waalo Ko Koi Nahi Poochhta Hai.

  • 2. Aap Apne Dil Ka Dard Usse Share Kar Sakte Hain:
  • Apne Dil Ka Dard Karne Ke Liye Aapke Paas Ek Sachha Saathi Hota Hai. (Kintu Sachhai Toh Yah Hai Ki Jiske Pass Girlfriend Hoti Hai Uska Hi Dimaag Hamesha Kharaab Rehta Hai).

  • 3. Aapki Har Baat Maanne Waala Koi Aapke Paas Hota Hai:
  • Girlfrind Banane Se Aapke Paas Ek Aisa Insaan Ho Jaata Hai Jo Aapki Har Baat Maanta Hai. (Kintu Bada Waala Sach Toh Yah Hai Ki Hota Iska Ulta Hai, Aur Hamesha Ladke Hi Joru Ke Ghulaam Bane Rehte Hain).

  • 4. Aapke Bigadne Ka Khatra Nahi Rahta:
  • Ladko Ke Ghar Waale Hamesha Chintit Rehte Hain Ki Kahin Unka Ladka Bigad Naa Jaaye, Kintu Sach Ye Hai Ki Ek Baar Ladke Ki Girlfriend Ban Jaaye Ton Phir Bigadne Ke Liye Aur Kuch Nahi Rehta.

  • 5. Facebook Mein Aapke Post Danadan Like Hote Hain:
  • Jee Haan, Yadi Aapke Paas Girlfriend Ho Toh Aap Facebook Mein Jo Kuch Bhi Daalenge Wo Like Zaroor Kiya Jaata Hai. Sabse Pehle Aapki Girlfriend Use Like Aur Comment Karegi, Uske Baad Ladki Ka Comment Dekhkar Aapke Sabhi Dost Bhi Usmein Comment Karne Ko Betaab Hue Jaayenge.
  • FUNNY  31
  • Time for Some Mallu Jokes
  • 1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
  • IngumDax.

  • 2) Where did the Malayali study?
  • In the ko-liage.

  • 3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
  • He is very bissi.

  • 4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
  • To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

  • 5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
  • To yearn meney.

  • 6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
  • He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

  • 7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
  • MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.

  • 8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
  • Yem Bee Yae.

  • 9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
  • He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

  • 10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
  • An Oto.

  • 11) Where does he pray?
  • In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.

  • 12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend?
  • A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

  • 13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
  • Kerala.

  • 14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
  • Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

  • 15) Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
  • He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'.

  • 16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
  • Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where"

  • 17) Why aren't Mallus included in hockey and football teams?
  • Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.

  • Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free sample of kokanet oil.
  • Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs....
  • (My Mallu peeps, no offence, its just a forward..zimbly read and yenjay)
  • FUNNY  9
  • The Breathalyzer Test
  • A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

  • "I can't do that, officer."

  • "Why not?"

  • "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

  • "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

  • "Can't do that either, officer."

  • "Why not?"

  • "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

  • "Alright, we could get a blood sample."

  • "Can't do that either, officer."

  • "Why not?"

  • "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

  • "Fine then, just walk this white line."

  • "Can't do that either, officer."

  • "Why not?"

  • "Because I'm too drunk to do that."
  • DOCTORS  11
  • Awesome Girlfriends
  • A Boy to a girl: Hey!!! New Laptop?
  • Girl: Yes!
  • Boy: Even I've got a new one.
  • Girl: Oh really!!! Which one?
  • Boy: Dell Inspiron 14 5000, 14 inch touch screen, 1.7ghz intel core i5 CPU, 8GB RAM, 1TB hard disk, windows 8.1, HD graphics, bluetooth 4.0, HD 720p webcam and 3 cell lithium ion battery.
  • Girl: Ohh nice.
  • Boy: And Yours?
  • Girl: Mera Na Pink Wala Hai, Usmein Internet Bhi Hai, Songs Bhi Hain, Aur Usmein Pendrive Bhi Laga Sakte Hain.

  • Ek Ladke Ko Uski Girlfriend Ne 2 Baar Message Kiya Aur Dono Hi Baar Ladka Heart Attack Ki Vajah Se Marte-Marte Ye Hain Vo Do Message:
  • Pehla: Bahut Ho Gaya... It's Time to Break-up... Sab Kuch Khatam Ho Gaya.
  • Doosra Message: Sorry... Sorryyy... Ye Message Tumhaare Liye Nahin Tha...

  • Girl: Ye Lo Pendrive, Ismein FACEBOOK Aur Whatsapp Daal Do Please.
  • Boy gave a surprised look to the girl...
  • Girl: Kya Hua, 2 GB Mein Nahin Aayega Kya???

  • Girlfriend: McDonald's Chalein?
  • Boy: Spelling Bolo Toh Hi Jayenge.
  • Girlfriend: McDonald's Rehne Do, KFC Chalte Hain...
  • Boy: Agar KFC Ka Full Form Bata Dogi Toh Le Chalunga.
  • Girlfriend: Rehne De Kanjoos. Samosa Hi Khila De.



  • Practical Demonstration
  • A Little kid was having a problem with his homework.

  • Dad, he asked, "What is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

  • "Well, son," said his father, "I'll give you a practical demonstration."

  • His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.

  • "Hello," said a voice at the other end.

  • "Hello," said his father. "Is Melvin there?"

  • "There is no one called Melvin here!" the voice replied. "Why don't you look up numbers before you dial them?"

  • "You see?" said kid's father. "That man was not at all happy with our call. Now watch this!"'

  • He then dialled the number again, and says, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

  • "Now look here!" the voice said angrily. "I told you there is no Melvin here! You have got a lot of nerve calling again!"

  • "Did you hear that?" kid's father asked. "That was anger. Now, I will show you what exasperation is!"

  • He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, he said, "Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
  • CHILDREN  4
  • India Vs Pakistan World Cup Memes
  • Afridi to Misbah: So, shall I play my original game ya Tik Ke Khelun???
  • Misbah: Sohail played really well, It was not our day.
  • Afridi: Kya Bakwaas Hai Ye???
  • Misbah: Oye Gussa Na Kar Bhai. Preparing for Presentation Ceremony.

  • Positive Attitude:
  • In Changing Room Pakistani players: Ye Mat Dekho Ki Hum Haar Gaye.... Ye Dekho Ke Batting Karne Ka Chance Hum Sab Ko Mila!!!

  • Meanwhile Nawaz Sharif is ready to file a complaint to UNO that: Pehle Kashmir Nahi Dete The Aur Ab Hamare Players Ko Full 50 Over Bhi Nahin Khen De Rahe...

  • Aur Isi Beech Pakistan Mein Patakhon Ki Dukaan Ke Bahar Boards Laga Diye Gaye Hain: Becha Hua Maal Vaapas Nahin Hoga!!!

  • Meanwhile,
  • Alia Bhatt called Salman Khan and said: Yeh Sohail Khan Pakistan Ki Taraf Se Kyun Khela ?

  • In a School
  • Teacher: What is your name?
  • Student: Mera Naam Misba Ul Haq Hai...
  • Teacher: Speak in English.
  • Student: Inshallah! The Boys Played Well.

  • Dear Team India,
  • Vo Jo Hum Kah Rahe The Na Ki Bas Pakistan Ko Hara Do Chahe World Cup Haar Jaana... Hum Batana Chahte Hain Ki Vo Toh Hum Aiise Hi MAzaak KAr Rahe The... Hamein World Cup Bhi Chahiye.
  • SPORTS  17
  • Bill Gates vs Seve Jobs
  • Bill Gates: So, how's heaven Steve?

  • Steve Jobs: Great, it just doesn't have any walls or fences.

  • Bill Gates: So...?

  • Steve Jobs: So, we don't need any Windows and Gates. I'm sorry Bill, I didn't mean to offend you.

  • Bill Gates: It's ok Steve, but I heard a rumor.

  • Steve Jobs: Oh, what rumor?

  • Bill Gates: That nobody is allowed to touch Apple there and there are no Jobs in heaven.

  • Steve Jobs: Oh no, definitely there are but only no-pay jobs. Therefore definitely no Bills in heaven as everything will be provided free...."
  • CELEBRITIES  23
  • Holiday Greetings
  • Dear Friends,
  • I cannot use names allowed due to legal reasons however, I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor last night, and on advice I wish to say the following:

  • Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

  • I also wish y!ou a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accept!ed calendar year 2!15 , but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other !cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is neces!sarily greater than any other country) and! without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

  • By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
  • This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the ori!ginal greeting. It implies !no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others an!d is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuanc!e of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.



  • The Ant and The Grasshopper
  • The Ant and the Grasshopper - Indian Version of story - too good and fact Original Story:
  • The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

  • Indian Version:
  • The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs dances plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. NDTV, BBC, CNN , Asianet show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

  • The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast a!long with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warm!!er clim!ates during !win!er. May!!eking support to the Grasshopper.

  • CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. Railway minister allocates one free coach to Grassho!ppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

  • Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the 'Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA] , with effect from the beginning of the winter. Education minister makes 'Special Reservation' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions in Government Services.

  • The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, it's home is confiscated by Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV, BBC, CNN.

  • Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
  • Railway minister calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
  • CPM calls it 'Revolutionary Resurgence of Downtrodden'
  • Many years later...
  • The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley, 100s of Grasshop!pers still die of star!vation despite res!ervation somewhere in India, ....AND As a result of losing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers, India is still a developing country...!!!
  • FUNNY  46
  • Awesome Santa
  • Mele Mein Announcement Hui:
  • Ek Bachcha Mila Hai, !IN KA HAI, Aa Kar Le Jaayein.
  • Santa Bheed Se Chillata Hua Aaya: Mujhe Bhi Dikhaaaaaooo JIN KA BACCHA Kaisa Hota Hai...

  • Santa: Yaar, Saamne Waal!e Makaan Mein Ek Ladki Har Roz Khidki Mein Se Rumaal Hila-Hila Ke Ishaare Karti Hai Per Kabhi Khidki Nahin Kholti. Ab Tu Hi Bata Yaar Kya Karun?
  • Banta: Behak Mat Bhai, Vo Ladki Tukhe Dekhkar Rumaal Nahin Hilaati.... Darasal Vo Us Ghar Ki Naukraani Hai Aur Khidki Ke Sheeshe Saaf Karti Hai.

  • Jeeto Ek Dibbe Mein Apne Bachche Ki Potty Lekar Test Karwaane Jaati Hai.
  • Doctor: Behan Ji, Yo Potty Nahin Halwa Hai.
  • Jeeto, Hairaani Se Aur Lagbhag Rote Hue: Doctor Ji, Muje Ek Phone Call Karni Hai, Badi Urgent and Important Hai... Please Doctor Saab...
  • Doctor: Kar Lijiye Behanji, Koi Baat Nahi, Lekin Hua Kya???
  • Jeeto: Unko Batana Hai Ki Vo Galat Dibba Office Le Gaye Hain.

  • Santa Sharaab Pee Kar Jaa Raha Thaa. Raaste Main Vo Ek Saadhu Se Takra Jaata Hai.
  • Sadhu Gusse Mein: Aye Murkh Mein Tujhe SHRAAP Deta Hun...
  • Santa: Rukiye Maharaj, Me!in Glass Leke Aata Hun.
  • HINGLISH  33
  • Reporting a Crime
  • A beat cop calls the Crime Branch on telephone.

  • Hello! Crime Branch?

  • Yes! This is Sergea!nt John.

  • Cop: Sir, We have a case! here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

  • Sergeant: Have you arrested the woman?

  • Cop: No sir. The floor is still wet!
  • FUNNY  13
  • Golfing Lessons
  • The new golfer asked the pro, "How much for a golf lesson?"

  • "They're 13 lessons for $150 or a single lesson for $1,000."

  • "Why do you charge $1,000 for a single lesson yet offer a series for only $150?!"

  • "If you expect to learn golf in one lesson, you're expecting a miracle. And if you're expecting a miracle, you should expect to! pay for one."


  • Emergency Landing
  • A helicopter carrying passeng!ers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

  • The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for !30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

  • The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"

  • "Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"
  • FUNNY  4
  • Reference Books!!!
  • Why do ENGINEERING students always prefer local author books than REFERENCE books???

  • The local author says:
  • 'Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after'.

  • And REFERENCE BOOK says:
  • '2 humans ascended a certain geological protuberance to collect hydride of oxygen whose quantity is not specified. One member Jack, of rapid irregular disturbing movements encounters fatal logical gravitational error leading to complete disarray. Other member named Jill whose scope lies within disarray, descends down the geographical protuberance at an acceleration, whose magnitude is controlled by the force of gravity.' !!!
  • FUNNY  9
  • Facebook Ka Kamaal!!!
  • Class Ke Dauraan Ek Ladke Ne Apna Facebook Account khola Aur Status Update Kia: I am using fb in Class.

  • Professor Ne Us Pe Comment Kia: Class Se Nikal Jao.

  • Principal Ne Professor Ke C!omment Ko Like Kia.

  • Dost Ne Comment Kia: Oye Cafe Aaja.

  • Maa Ne Comment Kia: Nalayak Kahin Ka, Class Nahin Attend Karni Toh Sabzi Le Kar Ghar Aaja.

  • Baap Ne Bhi Comment KAr Dia: Dekh Lo Apne Bete Ki Harkatein.

  • Usi Waqt Girlfriend Ka Comment Aa Gaya: Dhokhe Baaz Tum Ne Toh Kaha Tha Ki Hospital Mein Hun... Daadi Aakhri Stage Par Hain Isliye Milne Nahin Aa Sakta. Aur Aakhiri Khatarnaak Commnent Bhi Padhiye...

  • Daadi Ji Ka Comment: Tere Munh Min Keede Padein Haraam Khor, Main Abhi Zinda Hoon.
  • HINGLISH  94
  • Legal and Logical
  • Pappu failed in the final Law Exam & decided to make a deal with the Professor.

  • Pappu: Sir, Can I ask you one question?

  • Professor: Yes.

  • Pappu: If you can answer this qu!estion, I will accept my final marks, if you cant, you will have to give me an "A" grading.

  • Professor agreed.

  • Pappu asked: What is legal but !not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?

  • Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam m!ark into an "A", as agreed.

  • The following day, Professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands......

  • He asked one student. He answered:
  • Sir, you are 65, married to! a 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal


  • Miss You!!!
  • Patni Ne Apne Maike Se Pati Ko Phone Kiya Aur Pucha: Kaise Ho?

  • Pati: Theek-Theek Hun Jaanu. You Know... Tumhaare Bina... Tum Batao, Tum Kaisi Ho?

  • Patni: Main Bhi Theek Hun. Meri Yaad Aati Hai? Kya Karte Ho Jab Meri Yaad Aati Hai Toh?

  • Pati: Arey Jaanu, Bahut Yaad Aati Hai Tumhaari. Aur Jab Bhi Tumhe Miss Karta Hun Tab Main Tumhaari Pasand Ki Ice-c!ream, Kesar-Pista Kha Leta Hun Ya Tumhaari Pasand Ki Chocolate Kha Leta Hun... TV Pe Koi Serial Dekh Leta Hun... Aur Meri Yaad Aane Pe Tum Kya Karti Ho?

  • Patni: Mein Bhi TV Pe Match Laga Ke, Bagpiper Ka Quarter Le Leti Hun, 4-5 Cigarettes Phoonkti Hun Aur 1-2 Rajniga!ndha Kha Leti Hun...
  • HINGLISH  48
  • Feeding Chickens
  • Murgiyon Ke Farm Mei!n Inspection Ke Liye Ek Inspector Aaya.

  • Inspector: Tum Murgiyon Ko Kya Khilate Ho?

  • Pehla Aadmi: Janaab Bajra...

  • Inspector: Kharab Khana, Ise Giraftaar Kar Lo.

  • Dusra Aadmi: Sir Ji, Mein Chawal Daalta hun Inko.

  • Inspector: Galat Khana, Ise Bhi Giraftar Kar Lo.

  • Ab Baari Aayi Apne Santa Ki.

  • Santa (Darte-Darte): Hum Toh ji Murgiyon Ko 10-10 Rs De Dete Hain Aur Kehte Hain Ki Jo Tumhari Marji Ho Jaakar Khaa Lo.
  • HINGLISH  23
  • Out of Court Settlement
  • Santa and the local priest were !always fighting and arguing, and eventually they finished up in court.

  • After listening to evidence from bath sides, the magistrate said, "I feel sure that this can be settled amicably. Shake hand!s with each other, and say something for good will."

  • The priest shook Santa's hand and said, "I wish for you what you wish for me."
  • !
  • "See, Your Honour," said Santa. "HE'S STARTING AGAIN."
  • SANTABANTA  16
  • Jeeto's Secret Admirer!!!
  • Santa Aur Uski! Biwi, Jeeto, So Rahe The. Raat Ko Takreeban 2 Baje Jeeto Ke Mobile Par Message Ki Tone Baji.

  • Santa Chaunk Kar Uthta Hai Aur Mobile Pe Messagae Dekhta Hai...

  • Usmein Beautiful Likha Dekh Kar Apni Patni Ko Uthaya Aur Gusse Se Puchta Hai: Yeh Kya Hai, Kiska Mess!age Hai, Kaun Aise Messages Bhej Raha Hai Tumko ???

  • Jeeto Bhi Hadbadahat Mein Uthi... Socha Ab 45 Saal Ki Umar Mien Kaun Beautiful Kahega Bhala?

  • Jab Mobile !Dekha To Jhalla Kar Boli: Chashma Laga Kar Mobile Haath Mein Liya Karo.... Yeh Beautiful Nahi Balki Charging Mein Lage Phone Par BATTERYFULL Likha Hai. Satyanash Kar Diya Neend Ka.
  • =================================
  • Trust...
  • Mulla Nasruddin and his wife went to Israel for their holidays, and visited a night club in Tel Aviv. A comedian was on the bill who did his whole act in Hebrew. Nasruddin's wife sat through the comic's act in silence, but Nasruddin roared with laughter at the end of each joke.

  • "I didn't know you understood Hebrew," she said to the Mulla when the comedian had concluded his act.

  • "I don't" replied Nasruddin.

  • "Well, how come you laughed so much at his jokes?"

  • "AH!!!" said Nasrudin. "I TRUSTED HIM."
  • MULLA NASRUDDIN  2
  • Drobkin Fart!
  • Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

  • Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

  • As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

  • Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

  • The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"

  • Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."

  • "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

  • "Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

  • The clerk consoled him, "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

  • Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

  • "Was it a long time ago?"

  • "Yes, many years."

  • The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"
  • FUNNY  2
  • Conference Calls
  • Typical Conference Calls in Corporates:
  • Caller 1: Hi, this is Dheeraj from Sales.
  • Silence.... All waiting others to Join...

  • Caller 2: Hi, this is Ajay from Marketing.
  • Silence.... All waiting others to Join...

  • Caller 3: Hi, its Shyam from Finance.
  • Silence.... All waiting others to Join...

  • Caller 4: Hello, Kuldeep from Administration.
  • Silence.... All waiting others to Join...

  • Caller 5: Hi, this is Neha from HR.
  • All:
  • Hi Neha,
  • Hi Neha,
  • Hello Neha,
  • Good Morning Neha...
  • FUNNY  16
  • The Bar Bet!
  • I found myself in a pub in Patiala and a group of American tourists came in.

  • One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Punjabis think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no-one here can drink 3 bottles of Jack Daniels in 10 minutes."

  • The bar was silent, the American noticed Santa leaving, no-one took up the bet. 20 minutes later Santa who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"

  • "Sure," said the American, "3 JD in 10 minutes for a bet of $5,000."

  • "Great...," replied Santa, "so pour the whisky and start the clock."

  • It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

  • "OK Yank, pay up." said Santa.

  • "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?"

  • "Well sir," replied Santa, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it

  • Alcohol Therapy
  • Apni Sharaab Kee Lat se pareshaan Santa Doctor Ke Paas Gaya.

  • Santa: Doctor Sahab.... Meri Sharaab Chhudaao !

  • Doctor: Roz Kitni Peete Ho ?

  • Santa: 4 Peg !

  • Doctor: Aaj Se 1 Peg Kam Kar Do Aur 1 Hafte Ke Baad Mujhse Milo.

  • 1 Hafte Baad....
  • Doctor: Abhi Kitni Pee Rahe Ho Roz ?

  • Santa: Jitni Aapne Bataayi Thee... Sirf 3 Peg !

  • Doctor: Aaj Se 1 Peg Aur Kam Kar Do Aur Agle Hafte Mujhe Phir Se Milo.

  • Phir 1 Hafte Ke Baad...
  • Doctor: Ab Kitne Peg Le Rahe Ho ?

  • Santa: 2 Peg Sir !

  • Doctor: Good ! Ab Aaj Se Daily Sirf 1 Peg Lena Hai, Theek Hai? Santa: Par Doctor Sahab... 1 Peg Mein Poori Bottle... Peg Kuchh Jyada Tight Nahi Ho Jayega ???
  • HINGLISH  29
  • Little Johnny's Balloon
  • Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but he continues.

  • "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

  • He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Little Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

  • Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

  • When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

  • "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

  • He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
  • LITTLE JOHNNY  8
  • Sewing Machine for Sale
  • These four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper on four Consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

  • MONDAY:
  • For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

  • TUESDAY:
  • Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read - 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'

  • WEDNESDAY:
  • Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.'

  • THURSDAY:
  • Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit.
  • FUNNY  11
  • Karva Chauth Offer!
  • Chitrgupt Bohut Pareshaan The Aurr Brahma Ji Se Bole: Hey Prabhu Ye Karvachauth Ke Vratt Se 7 Janam Tak Ek Hi Pati Milne Wali Yojna Band Kar Dein.

  • Bramha Ji Ne Pucha- Kyon? Kya Hua?

  • Chitrgupt: Prabhu Manage Karna Mushkil Ho Gaya Hai. Sabhi Aurteein 7 Janam Tak Wahi Purush Maangti Hai Par Sabhi Purush Har Bar Dusri Aurat Maangte Hai Bohot Dikkat Ho Rai Hai.

  • Brahma Ji Ne Kaha: Ye Scheme Aadi Kaal Se Chali Aa Rahi Hai, Ise Band Nahi Kia Jaa Sakta. Prithvi Par Ek Santa Naam Ka Prani Rehta Hai, Usse Jaa kar Salah Lijiye.

  • Chitrgupt Santa Ke Paas Gaye or Unse Salah Maangi.

  • Santa Bola: Jo Bhi Aurat 7 Janam Tak Wahi Pati Demand Kare Use Dedo Par Saath Mein Shart Bhi RakhDo Ke Pati Wahi Chahiye Toh Saas Bhi Wahi Milegi, Demand Apne Aap Band...



  • Professional Help!
  • A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

  • She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

  • She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within a minute a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

  • She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

  • He said, "Sure."

  • He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

  • She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

  • The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

  • The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

  • Is GOD Good or What!?
  • RELIGION  35
  • Public Announcement!
  • The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

  • One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

  • In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

  • The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given !"
  • RELIGION  17
  • Most Preferred Husbands
  • Believe it or not.... Lawyers are the most preferred husbands for ladies. Surprised? Don't be, I asked a girl why do you prefer a lawyer to marry?

  • She Said: They bow their head while entering the room and again while going out.

  • They say 'your honor,' 'my lord' before and after every world.

  • They don't have male ego because they wear gown, they go to a BAR wher liquor is not served.

  • More importantly they never question the judgement at least before the person who gives it, whether they like it or not. What more do I require?
  • LAWYERS  23
  • It's an Emergency
  • The Boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up one of his blonde clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the Boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that she should hurry with the file.

  • After more than 30 minutes the blonde appears all tired and panting for breath. The Boss asks her why she was panting and what caused the huge delay. She replies, "Sir, when I went to the lift it said, 'During an emergency please use the staircase'!!!"



  • Food for Thought
  • An old lady, a difficult independent, use to sit on a bench in a park to feed the pigeons.

  • One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.

  • Then suddenly a man in his early 40s, who was watching her from a distance, came near her and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

  • The old lady said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw that far!"
  • FUNNY  8
  • From CEO to Employees
  • Dear Staff,
  • Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

  • TRANSPORTATION:
  • It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
  • a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
  • b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
  • c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

  • ANNUAL LEAVE:
  • Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
  • They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

  • LUNCH BREAK:
  • a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
  • b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
  • c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

  • SICK DAYS:
  • We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
  • If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

  • SURGERY:
  • As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
  • You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
  • To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

  • INTERNET USAGE:
  • All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
  • Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.
  • Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

  • Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

  • Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.

  • Regards
  • CEO
  • FUNNY  40
  • Pati, Patni Aur Jhagda
  • Pati: Priye, Kal Subah Kya Tum Mere Saath Yoga Class Chalna Pasand Karogi?
  • Patni: Tum Kehna Kya Chahte Ho, Main Kya Moti Ho Gayi Hoon?

  • Pati: Koi Baat Nahin, Ichcha Nahi Hai Toh Mat Chalo.
  • Patni: Matlab Main Aalsi Hoon?

  • Pati: Arey Tum Gussa Kyun Kar Rahi Ho?
  • Patni: Matlab Main Hamesha Jhagadti Joon!

  • Pati: Arey Maine Aisa Kab Bola?
  • Patni: Matlab Ki main Jhoothi Hoon!

  • Pati: Achcha Baba, Main Nahin Jaata Hoon!
  • Patni: Main Sab Samajthi Hoon, Darasal, Tum Le Jana Hi Nahin chahte The...

  • Pati Ne Chup Rehne Mein Hi Bhalaai Samjhi Aur Chup Chaap So Gaya...
  • HINGLISH  91
  • Weekly Bridge Game!
  • Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn't put his foot in his mouth.

  • One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them 'too much...'

  • When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband.

  • Mr. Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately, "Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart."
  • Good Marketing!
  • While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
  • "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
  • "No problem, just let me in." says the politician.
  • "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
  • "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
  • "I'm sorry but we have our rules."
  • And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
  • They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
  • "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
  • So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
  • "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
  • He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
  • So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.
  • "I don't understand," stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."
  • The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
  • FUNNY  14
  • Kripa Keejiye Maharaj !!!
  • Ek Sharaabi ek Pahunche Huye BABA Ke Aashram Mein Daya.

  • Sharaabi: Maharaj, Main Aapki Sharan Mein Aaya Hun.... Mujh Per Kripa Kijiye.

  • Baba: Kya Baat Hai Beta ?

  • Sharaabi: Babaji Mein Sharaab Kee Vajah Se Bahut Dukhi Hun. Kripa Karke Meri Sharaab Chhudwa Deejiye !

  • Baba: Tum Bilkul Sahi Jagah Aaye Ho Bachcha ! Ye Samjho Tumhari Sharaab Chhoot Gayi.

  • Sharaabi: Jai Ho Babaji Ki ! Mujhe Vishwas Thaa Ki Aap Meri Madad Zaroor Karenge ! Ab Jaldi Se Phone Keejiye Civil Lines Thaane Ke Incharge Ko! Usne Meri 2 Peti Whiskey Zabt Kar Lee Hai !!!
  • HINGLISH  80
  • Safe Ride???
  • There is a story about monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several 100 feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks, who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

  • One tourist got exceedingly nervous when he was half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

  • With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they change the rope.

  • The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
  • FUNNY  5
  • Post Turtles
  • While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old veteran, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate of the military hospital, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to generals and their role as our leaders.

  • The old veteran said, "Well, as I see it, most generals are 'Post Turtles'.''

  • Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Turtle' was.

  • The old veteran said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

  • The old veteran saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

  • "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."



  • How to Cross the Road in Pakistan...
  • Road Crossing Instructions in Pakistan

  • Look both right and left for cars, motorcycles, animals and pedestrians;
  • Look "up" for American drones;
  • Look "down" for bombs and land mines;
  • Look sideways and backwards for kidnappers and suicide bombers;
  • Hold your bags tight and watch for every person near you;
  • Then walk zigzag to avoid bullets.
  • FUNNY  35
  • Perfect Answer
  • The skydiving instructor was going through the question-and-answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question:

  • If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?

  • The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered:
  • The rest of your life.
  • FUNNY  2
  • Obama Ranked 5th Best President
  • Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President
  • From a total of 44 US Presidents, Obama is rated the 5th best. The A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement: After only 6 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever.

  • These are the details according to Texas A&M:
  • 1. Reagan & Lincoln tied for first.
  • 2. Twenty three presidents tied for second.
  • 3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third.
  • 4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and...
  • 5. Obama came in fifth.
  • FUNNY  5
  • Ex-Wife!!!
  • George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

  • After along period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart."

  • George gets this horrified look on his face.

  • She says, "Darling, what's wrong"?

  • George says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

  • "Ex wife" she screams! "I didn't know you were married before!!!"

  • George retorts, "I wasn't..."




  • Hilarious Laws
  • Law of equality:
  • The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes!

  • Law of Queue:
  • If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

  • Law of Telephone:
  • When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy tone.

  • Law of Mechanical Repair:
  • After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

  • Law of the Workshop:
  • Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

  • Bath Theorem:
  • When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

  • Law of Encounters:
  • The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

  • Law of the Result:
  • When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

  • Law of Bio mechanics:
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

  • Theatre Rule:
  • People with the seats at the farthest from the entry arrive last.

  • Law of Proposal:
  • After you accept a proposal you will get a better one...

  • Law of getting late:
  • When you reach early for something it will never start on time.
  • FUNNY  17
  • A Gujarati Funeral
  • A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:

  • Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Neetaben and Varsha,
  • I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

  • Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

  • You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.

  • On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

  • Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys.

  • The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

  • The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.

  • Love Neeta. 
  • PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays...
  • COMMUNITIES  14
  • Doctor vs Plumber!
  • Doctor Raat Ko 3 Baje Toilet Jaane Ke Liye Utha Toh Usne Dekha Ki Toilet Puri Tarah Se Block Ho Gaya Hai.

  • Usne Apni Biwi Se Kaha: Mai Abhi Plumber Ko Bulata Hun.

  • Biwi, Hairani Se: Tum Raat Ko 3 Baje Plumber Ko Bulaogey?

  • Doctor: Haan, Kyon Nahin? Hum Bhi Toh Jaate Hain Raat Mein Agar Koi Mareez Beemaar Ho Jaye Toh.

  • Usne plumber Ko Call Kiya, Shikayat Ki Aur Usko Raaat Ko Hi Aane Ko Kaha.

  • Plumber Ne Mana Kiya Aur Kaha Vo Subah Aa Jayega.

  • Doctor Ne Pir Se Wahi Baat Kahi: Agar Mai Raat Mein Mareez Dekhne Jaa Sakta Hun Toh Tum Bhi Aa Sakte Ho.

  • Plumber Bechara Subah 3:30 Baje Aankhein Malta Hua Doctor Ke Ghar Pahuncha. Usne Toilet Dekha Aur Baag Se Kuch Goliyaan Aur Powder Nikaal Ke Toilet Mein Daal Di Aur Phir Doctor Se Bola: Doctor Saab, Is Se Theek Toh Ho Jaani Chahiye, Agar Koi Pharak Na Pade Toh Subah Mujhe Phir Se Call Kar Lena.
  • HINGLISH  86
  • World Cup Without Yuvraj!
  • Ek Ladki Thi Deewani Si,
  • Dhawan Pe Wo Marti Thi,
  • Choro Chori Chupke Chupke,
  • Rohit Ko Chitthiyaan Likha Karti Thi,
  • Nazrein Jhuka Ke, Kuch Sharma Ke,
  • Rahane Se Baatein Kiya Karti Thi,
  • Kabhi Kabhi Julfein Bikher Ke,
  • Kohli Ki Galiyon Se Guzarti Thi,
  • Kuch Kehna Tha Shayad Usko Raina Se,
  • Per DHONI Se Vo Darti Thi,
  • Jab Bhi Milti Thi Jadeja Se,
  • Bas Yehi Pucha Karti Thi,
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • Yaar Tum Log Yuvraj Ke Bina World Cup Kaise Jeetoge?


  • The Break Up
  • The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

  • "Can she cook like I can?" asked the distraught fiancee

  • "Not even on her best day!" replied the salesman.

  • "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

  • "No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.

  • "Well then, is this all about 'relations'?" cried out the devastated woman.

  • "No, nobody does it like you babe," assured the salesman.

  • "Then what is it?" she screamed "What can she do that I can't"?

  • The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said, "She can sue me for child support."

  • And then it hit him... the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday.
  • MARRIAGE  10
  • A Very Touching Story...
  • Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!"

  • One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that schoo. she even shifted to another city.

  • 25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died.

  • The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.

  • Don't tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor...
  • SANTABANTA  97
  • Bechaara Santa!!!
  • Santa Apni Wife Ke Saath Ek Party Mein Gaya.
  • Thodi Der Ke Baad Wife Ne Dekha Ki Santa Ek Sundar Si Mahila Se Bahut Ghul-Milkar Muskuraate Hue Baatein Kar Rahaa Thaa.
  • Wife Ne Dheere Se Santa Ke Kaan Mein Jaakar Kaha: Lautate Samay Kisi Medical Store Se Hote Hue Chalenge.
  • Santa: Kyon ? Kya Lena Hai ?
  • Wife: Marham-Patti Kaa Saamaan.
  • Santa: Par Kis Liye ?
  • Wife: Ghar Pahunch Kar Tumhaari Choton Par Lagaane Ke Liye....
  • Santa: Par Mujhe Toh Koi Chot Nahin Lagi Hai !!!
  • Wife: Abhi Hum Ghar bhi Kahaan Pahunche Hain....!!!!

  • Ek Baar Santa Ne Socha Ki Apni Wife Ko Ek Surprise Diya Jaye Toh Usne Wife Ko Bina Bataye Nayi Car Khareed Li.
  • Ghar Pahunchte Hi Santa Ne Excitement Ke Maare Darwaaje Se Hi Awaaj Laga Di: Yaar Sunti Ho, Aaj Tumhaara Barson Ka Sapna Poora Ho Gaya!
  • Biwi Daudti Hui Kitchen Se Bahar Aayi Aur Shock Mein Chillai: Haye, Haye!!!! Kya Ho Gaya Saasu Maa ko?????

  • Santa Apni Wife Ko Cherte Huye Bola: Maine Tumhe Bina Dekhe Shadi Ki, Can you believe that?
  • Wife: Aur Meri Himmat Toh Dekho, Maine Tumhe Dekhne Ke Baad Bhi Tumse Shadi Ki.

  • Santa Ki Wife Ne Ambulance Ke Liye Phone Kiya. Operator Ne Pucha: Madam, Kya Takleef Hai Aapko?
  • Santa's Wife: Vo Table Ki Thokar Se Mere Pair Ki Ungli Mein Thodi Si Lag Gayi Hai.
  • Operator: Ye Kya Mazaak Hai Madam!!! Itni Choti Si Baat Ke Liye Bhi Koi Ambulance Bulaata Hai???
  • Santa's Wife: Nahin Bhaisaab!!! Ambulance Mujhe Apne Liye Nahin, Apne Husband Ke Liye Chahiye.... Vo Darasal Jab Mujhe Lagi Toh Unki Hasi Nikal Gayi Thi....
  • HINGLISH  110
  • Free Hard Drinks On-Board
  • A flight attendant on an Airline's cross-country flight nervously announced about 30 minutes outbound from Chandigarh, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 110 passengers on board and only 40 dinners..."

  • When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited hard drinks during the entire journey in the flight."

  • Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, "If anyone wants to change his/her mind, we still have 35 dinners available



  • It's a Miracle!!!
  • Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down, so he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

  • He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen, but he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. 

  • "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

  • "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy.

  • "Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle... No... Wait... It's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photographs, and so on..."

  • A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

  • Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

  • "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Something has definitely happened which cannot be explained by Earthly means. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle and all other explanations must be ruled out. And so, unfortunately for that very reason, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have simply buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
  • FUNNY  6
  • Top One liners about India
  • 1. If you want to know how divided we are, just look at matrimonial page of our newspaper.

  • 2. India is running the software of tomorrow on the hardware of yesterday.

  • 3. Marriages (Rest of the world) = x + y
  • Marriages (In India) = ∫xdx + ∫ydy

  • 4. If the mobile gets spoiled blame the child, if child gets spoiled blame the mobile.

  • 5. If someone asks for dirty cloth to clean something you are in India.

  • 6. The only country where people fight to be termed 'backward'.

  • 7. In India, you don't cast your vote, you vote your cast.

  • 8. An incredible country where actors are playing cricket, cricketers are playing politics, politicians are watching porn and porn stars are becoming actors.

  • 9. Sarcasm is like electricity, half of India doesn't get it.

  • 10. And the ultimate one:
  • Where liking a Facebook post gets you arrested, raping doesn't.
  • FUNNY  22
  • Simple Addition
  • Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

  • Pappu: Seven Sir.

  • Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

  • Pappu: Seven.

  • Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another apples and another 2, how many will you have?

  • Pappu: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

  • Pappu: Seven!

  • Teacher: Where do you get seven from?

  • Pappu: Because I've already got one at home.
  • PAPPU  41
  • Whatsapp Message...
  • There was a large group of frinds on Whatsapp. There were around 40 to 50 pepole in that group....
  • Conversation: Member A: Happy Birthday Tina....

  • Other members:
  • 1. Happy b'dy Tina...
  • 2. Happy Birthdy tina...
  • 3. Many many happy return of the day Tina!
  • 4. Jamandin Mubarak Ho Tina...
  • 5. Party Kab Raho Ho Yaar Tina?
  • 6. Happy Birthday Tina....
  • 7. Happy Bday, Jamandin Mubarak Ho Yaar.

  • Member A: SORRY! SENT BY MISTAKE. TINA IS IN OTHER GROUP!



  • Bechaare Ladke!!!
  • Boy: Mom Aaj Khaane Mein Kya Banaya Hai...

  • Mom: Baigan Ki Sabji...

  • Boy: Kya Mom!!!! Phir Baigan Ki Sabji? Aapko Toh Pata Hai Ki Mujhe Baigan Bilkul Achche Nahin Lagte......

  • Mom: Ye Sab Nakhre Apni Bivi Ke Samne Karna, Tab Toh Munh Se Ek Shabad Nahin Niklega Jo Vo Banaygi Chup Chaap Kha Loge!!!

  • Boy: Ok Lao Baigan Hi Khata Hu...

  • After Marriage..........
  • Boy: Aaj Khane Mein Kya Bana Hai Darling?

  • Wife: Baigan Ki Sabzi!!!

  • Boy: Kya??? Baigan Ki Sabzi...!!! 

  • Wife: Ye Nakhre Na Apni Maa Ke Saamne Kiya Karo, Tab Toh Kuch Bola Nahi Jaata.

  • Boy: Achcha Lao, De Do Baigan Ki Sabzi...

  • Bechaare Ladke...
  • HINGLISH  329
  • Biggest Ironies in INDIA
  • 1) Most of the guys who are ignored by Girls in young life, are actually the nicest and better husband material.
  • 2) It's dangerous to talk to strangers, but it's perfectly ok to marry one.
  • 3) We'd rather spend more on daughters wedding than on her education.
  • 4) We live in a country where seeing a policeman makes us nervous rather than feeling safe.
  • 5) In IAS exam, a person writes a brilliant 1500 words essay about how Dowry is a social evil. Impresses everyone and cracks the exam.One year later same person demands a dowry of 1 crore, because he is an IAS officer.
  • 6) Indians are very shy and still are 121 Crore.
  • 7) Indians are obsessed with screen guards on their smartphones even though most come with scratch proof Gorilla Glass but never bother wearing a helmet while riding their bikes.
  • 8) Indian Society teaches 'Not to Get Raped', rather 'Don't Rape' !!!
  • 9) The worst movies earn the most.
  • 10) It is shallow to ask for dowry but prospective bridegrooms should make six or seven figured salaries, preferably settled in U.S.
  • 11) A porn-star is accepted in society as a celebrity, but a rape victim is not even accepted as a normal human being.
  • FUNNY  89
  • Tips for New Year Booze
  • Since today is 31st December, these some Self-Care Tips for drunkards will be useful....

  • 1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
  • Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
  • Cure: Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward.

  • 2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
  • Cause: You're lying on the floor.
  • Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

  • 3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
  • Cause: Looking through an empty glass.
  • Cure: Quickly refill your glass!

  • 4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
  • Cause: You're being dragged away.
  • Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

  • 5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
  • Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it.
  • Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

  • 6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
  • Cause: You're in the wrong house.
  • Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

  • 7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
  • Cause: You're in an ambulance.
  • Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

  • ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST.
  • BAR  49
  • Stages of Life
  • A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

  • Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

  • Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

  • Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Ja!ck's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

  • Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt!ain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

  • Ten years later, at 65 years of ag!e, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

  • Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

  • Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would me!et at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.



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