best new funny jokes in english



  • The Big Trouble
  • The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.

  • As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."

  • The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.

  • "Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.
  • MARRIAGE  11
  • Unlucky Husbands
  • Two women friends met after many years.

  • "Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"

  • "My son? the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

  • "That's really awful!"

  • "And what about your daughter?"

  • "Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."
  • MARRIAGE  45
  • With Age Comes Wisdom
  • A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

  • He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

  • He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

  • The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

  • The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

  • The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

  • Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
  • FUNNY  41
  • Corporate Life!
  • In the past few years:
  • 1. I learnt to operate 3 critical machines:
  • Scanner
  • Printer
  • Xerox Machine


  • 2. I learnt to use 3 High End Software:

    • Microsoft Word
    • Microsoft Excel
    • Microsoft PowerPoint

    • 3. I learnt to use 3 great short cuts:
    • Ctrl+C
    • Ctrl+V
    • Ctrl+S

    • 4. I learnt to say three very imp words for professional life:
    • Yes sir.
    • Ok sir.
    • I'll Just Do That sir.

    • 5. When I really wanted to quit, I learnt to:
    • Wake Up early.
    • Sleep late.
    • Continue to Work.

    • 6. I learnt to:
    • Face Monday!
    • Fight For 5 Days!
    • Wait For Friday!
    • 7. I learnt to give reasons to family friends and relatives for not making:
    • Phone Calls
    • Messages
    • Mails

    • 8. I learnt to celebrate these things far away from loved ones:
    • Birthday
    • New Year
    • Festivals

    • 9. In last one year, People say:
    • You Learnt...
    • You Earned...
    • You Enjoyed...

    • 10. But when I compare me with my self I just Sustained...
    • I just Tolerated...
    • I just Survived... for bucks.

    • 11. I have survived:
    • For convenience of my Family...
    • To avoid blame of Society...
    • To get tag of Employment...

    • 12. When I already knew that I have got the wrong train...
    • I learnt to Rejoice...
    • To be Happy...
    • To Smile...

    • I learnt that corporate life and dreams can never meet...
    • Because when they meet, both will lose their meaning!



    • 5 Stages of Being Drunk
    • Stage 1 - SMART
    • This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
    • You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
    • At this stage you are always RIGHT.
    • And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
    • This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

    • Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
    • This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
    • You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
    • Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

    • Stage 3 - RICH
    • This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
    • You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.
    • You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
    • It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
    • You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

    • Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
    • You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
    • This is because nothing can hurt you.
    • At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
    • You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

    • Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
    • This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
    • At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
    • You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
    • You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.
    • BAR   
    • In the graveyard!
    • An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

    • Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

    • "Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

    • "No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Sharaabi Ki Dawat
    • Ek Sharaabi Ne Doston Ki Dawat Ka Program Banaya, Aur Apne Hi Ghar Se Raat Ko Bakra Chori Kiya, Aur Khoob Dawat Ki.

    • Subha Jab Ghar Pahuncha Toh Bakra Ghar Mein Hi Tha.

    • Sharaabi Apni Biwi Se Puchta Hai: Oye, Ye Bakra Kahan Se Aya?

    • Biwi, Gusse MEin: Bakre Ko Maro Goli, Ye Batao Raat Ko Tum Choron Ki Tarha, KUTTE Ko Kaha Aur Kyun Le Kar Gaye the..?
    • HINGLISH   
    • An Ode to Arnab Goswami
    • Arnab Goswami might probably be the only guy in this world to fight with his wife & win.

    • If we could place a mini turbine inside Arnab Goswami's throat, the resultant electricity can power all the Times group building.

    • Arnab Goswami is inversly proportional to Manmohan Singh.

    • Arnaan Goswami's website says:
    • Page Not Found!
    • Now thats the question. The nation wants to know: Where the page is?

    • If you find Arnab Goswami's pic with his mouth closed, then that camera has a very good shutter speed.

    • Arnab Goswami is fluent in English & weak in grammer because he does not use full stop or comma.

    • Imagine playing dumb sharads with Arnab Goswami.

    • From the moon you can see the great wall of china and hear Arnab Goswami shouting "The nation wants to know."

    • Proposed airport near Times Now studio cancelled as noise from newshour could weaken the structure and intercept signals.

    • Arnab Goswami insures his throat & neck for 100 crores.

    • When Arnab Goswami says "I will speak now", everyone looks puzzled, wondering who was speaking till now.

    • Whats the similarity between Arnab Goswami & Google?
    • Both interrupt you before you complete the sentence.

    • Arnab decided to keep silent on Feb 30th. That day would be observed as world peace day.

    • If Arnab & Dolly Bindra get married, their kid would be the most advanced sound system ever built on this planet.


    • Salary Day Special
    • 9.00 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Msg received... Salary credited to your account.
    • Me: Yipeeee...

    • 9.01 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Home EMI auto debited...

    • 9.02 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Car loan EMI auto debited...

    • 9.03 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Credit card bill auto debited...

    • 9.04 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Phone bill auto debited...

    • 9.05 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Electricity bill auto debited...

    • 9.06 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • LIC EMI auto debited...

    • 9.07 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Medical insurance EMI debited...

    • 9.08 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • SIP EMI debited...

    • 9.09 AM: Beep... Beep...
    • Your account balance: Babaji Ka Thullu ?
    • FUNNY   
    • Wicked Mathematics!
    • A Jamaican wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

    • "Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    • "Without numbers?" the Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

    • "What's this?" the boss asks.

    • "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

    • "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

    • The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

    • The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

    • "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

    • The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

    • The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

    • The boss looks at the attempt, "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

    • The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

    • "So, when I start?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Office Mahabharata
    • Dronacharya: The Mentor. The employee who doesn't like working himself but is always ready to guide and train new joiners.

    • Bhishma: The Loyal. The employee in a relatively senior position who happily assists the boss in spite of knowing his incompetence (because of some strange oath maybe)

    • Dhritarashtra: The blind boss. He knows that everything is wrong with his project but will still let it function, without making any changes to the current processes.

    • Gandhari: The Yesmen/Women. Boss's immediate juniors who know that they are a part of an evil plan but will stay blindfolded and pretend as if nothing is happening.

    • Yuddhisthira: The ethical guy. Poor chap would never fudge timesheets and call in sick only when he is dying.

    • Bheema: The angry resource. Always ready to pick up a fight with his peers, subordinates or even the bosses.

    • Arjuna: The cool dude. The star performer who also knows how to sell his skills. A natural charmer, very famous among the ladies.

    • Nakul & Sahdev: The good average resource. No one notices them. They keep doing their work and get average appraisals.

    • Duryodhana: The Bully. Knows how to get work done, by hook or by crook. Doesn't mind threatening the likes of Nakul and Sahdev to get his work done.

    • Karna: The unsung hero. The best performer in the office but never claims credit for his work. Stays an unsung hero for all his life. Girls take him for a snobbish nerd.

    • Shakuni: The evil plotter. Copies management in every mail. Escalates every trivial issue, sometimes to take credits and sometimes purely for fun.

    • Dhristadyumna: The One inning wonder. The one who performs an extraordinary feat, and then basks in the glory of it for the rest of his life.

    • Draupadi: The shared resource. Keeps hopping projects on boss's advice.

    • Krishna: The Ultimate Boss (MD/CEO) who knows that it is his game while he makes everyone believe that they are playing important roles too.

    • Who says history never repeats. It does everyday.
    • FUNNY   
    • Funny 2-liners
    • If the loser smiles after losing the game, the winner loses the thrill of his victory!!!
    • That's the power of Smile !!!

    • Behind every Successful Man there is a Woman....
    • Because Women don't run behind Unsuccessful Men!!!

    • 'Sympathy'... You can get from Anybody.
    • But... 'Jealousy'.... You have to Earn it!!!

    • Drink 5 cups of milk and try to push the wall.
    • And then drink 5 cups of alcohol and watch... It'll move on its own!!!

    • Only 3 living beings are immune to cold on earth:
    • 1. Polar bears
    • 2. Penguins
    • 3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless at marriages in India


    • The Laboratory Rabbit
    • A rabbit escaped from a research laboratory where he had lived since birth. He joined a group of wild rabbits and lived their lives for a day. He fed on juicy carrots, fat lettuces and sighed with pleasure.

    • "This is life!" he exclaimed.

    • "So you are going to live with us?" asked the others.

    • "I wish I could but I really must get back to the laboratory. I am dying for a cigarette."
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  14
    • Chinese Products!
    • A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child. Two months later the child passed away.

    • At the funeral house, the African woman kept crying and saying, "I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!"

    • A family member pulled her aside and asked, "What did you know?"
    • She replied, "That, Chinese products don't last long!!!"
    • SANTABANTA  205
    • You aren't Sterile!
    • A doctor had just delivered twins. They were a boy and a girl.

    • The head nurse brought them out for their father to see. He could hardly believe his good fortune. The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket.

    • He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived.

    • As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said, "You can't touch those babies. You aren't sterile!"

    • With out missing a beat, he retorted "You're telling me!"
    • DOCTORS  40
    • A Dog and a Husband!
    • Put your wife in a room and lock it.
    • Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
    • Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and see who is 'Happy' to see you, and who will 'BITE' you !

    • (You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals who are now divorced and living happily with their dog)

    • Don't laugh loud... the extended version says...

    • Put your husband in a room and lock it.
    • Put your dog in another room and lock it !!!
    • Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours and you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before.


    • iPhone 6 Jokes
    • Congratulations... iPhone 6 launched...
    • The best feature of iPhone 6 is that if you hold it upside down it becomes iPhone 9.

    • iPhone users who've been saying, "I love my small iPhone, Android phones are too big for me," all these years... Apple just orphaned you...!!!"

    • Gujjus will not be affected by iPhone 6 launch... They will continue to flash their iPhone 4S and say: "iPhone Chhe"

    • With the launch of iPhone 6, OLX is more excited than Apple.... as people will sell old phones, car, house etc to buy iPhone.

    • Apple is Chinese, all iPhones look the same.

    • Dear Apple,
    • iPhone-6 Will Be Priced At 70k...
    • iPhone-9 Ke Saath Kya Nano Free Milegi ...??

    • iPhone's are like the Golmaal movie:
    • Every new version has the same features... but is longer than the previous one..!!!
    • iPhone6 costs more than the total money Harman Baweja earned from hi Bollywood career...!!!
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  54
    • I Need a Job
    • Job Applicant: I'm looking for a job as a consultant.

    • Employer: I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.

    • Applicant: That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.

    • Employer: More than we can use already.

    • Applicant, as he is getting desperate: I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor.

    • Employer: It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.

    • Applicant, as he stands up and angrily yells, Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!

    • Employer: Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.
    • LAWYERS  27
    • Waiting for a Train
    • Banta is lying across the rail tracks with a bottle of Whisky and a tandoori chicken within reach.

    • A passerby asks, "Banta ji, why are you lying on the rail lines? A train may comee any moment and run over you."

    • "Precisely!" answers Banta. "I have no desire to live any longer. I want to kill myself."

    • "Then why have you this bottle of liquor and the tandoori chicken beside you?"

    • "Why not?" demands Banta. "You can't rely on trains running on time any more. You don't expect me to die of hunger and thirst, do you?"
    • SANTABANTA  59
    • Best iPhone 6 Alternatives
    • Apple iPhone6 in India...
    • Approx Rs.65k
    • Other options:
    • Bangkok Return Ticket: 21k
    • Stay:10k
    • Massage: 3k
    • Shopping: 14k
    • Savings: 17k
    • Come back to India and buy any Xiaomi mi3, MOTO G, Asus Zenfone 5, Micromax Nitro, Sony C, Nokia 720.
    • You still have 4k left for 2 bottles of Jack Daniels at Mumbai Duty Free.



    • Trying a New Drink
    • A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him.

    • The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo." 

    • The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink.

    • Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo, too." The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink.

    • He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

    • The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it is water...right, Lou?
    • BAR   
    • New on Whatsapp
    • Mrs. Khanna of my society messaged me: Hi... I am new on whatsapp... Any idea what does IDK, LY, TTYL mean...?

    • I replied: I don't know, Love You, Talk To You Later !

    • She replied: No problem. I'll ask my son... Love you too... Bye and Take Care

    • And my wife read it and......

    • Saala, bhalaai ka to zamana hi nahi raha.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Coffee Machine Instructions
    • Cousin Elly, who happens to be blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

    • Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

    • A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

    • "Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
    • BLONDES   
    • Drinking Problem!
    • Fred was having trouble with a drinking problem and swore that he would correct it with sheer willpower. He had decided to walk straight past the pub without going in.

    • As he approached the doors he kept repeating to himself, "You can do it. You can do it."

    • The pressure was tough, but Fred persevered, right past he went.

    • Fifty metres past and he congratulated himself, "I knew you could do it. You were great! Let's go back and I'll buy you a drink."


    • A Silent Fart!
    • An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

    • She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

    • He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
    • FUNNY   
    • Don't Mess with Kids
    • An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    • The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

    • "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

    • "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty , but a horse produces clumps . Why do you suppose that is?" 

    • The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

    • To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell , or no life after death, when you don't know shit ?"

    • And then she went back to reading her book.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Wait Your Turn!
    • A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.

    • "You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."

    • The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.

    • Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.

    • The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Lemon Squeeze
    • A TOUGH Haryanvi peasant swaggered into a restaurant and ordered for empty tumbler and a lemon. He asked everyone to look as he squeezed the lemon into the glass with his powerful hands.

    • "If anyone here can get as much out of a lemon as I have I will give him five rupees."

    • A thin, bespectacled clerk accepted the challenge. With his frail hands he got more juice out of the lemon than the Haryanvi.

    • "Wonderful!" exclaimed the Chaudhary, handing over the fiver, "but tell me how did you manage to squeeze out more than I?"

    • "I am from the income tax department," replied the little fellow.



    • Kabir Vani vs. Software Engineer
    • Kabir:
    • Aisi Baani boliye, Man Ka Aapa Khoye,
    • Auron Ko Sheetal Kare, Aaphi Sheetal Hoye.

    • SE:
    • Aisa presentation dijiye, man ka aapa khoye,
    • Auron ko confuse kare, aaphi confuse hoye.

    • Kabir:
    • Guru Govind Doyu Khade, Kaake Laagu Paye,
    • Balihari Guru Aapke, Govind Diyo Bataye.

    • SE:
    • Client Aur Manager Doyu Khade, Kaake Laagu Paye,
    • Balihaari Client Aapke, Manager Diyo Bataye.

    • Rahim:
    • Rahiman Dhaaga Prem Ka, Mat Todo Chatkaye,
    • Tode Se Phirr Jude Na, Jude Gaanth Pad Jaaye.

    • SE:
    • SE Confidence Manager, Mat Todo Chatkaye,
    • Project To Barbaad Hoye Hi, Appraisal Mein Waat Lag Jjaye.

    • Kabir:
    • Dheere Dheere Re Mana, Dheere Sab Kuch Hoye,
    • Maali Seenche Sow Ghara, Ritu Aaye Phal Hoye.

    • SE:
    • Dheere dheere Re Project Leader, Dheere Project Execute Hoye,
    • Client Dikhaye Kitni Bhi Urgency, Release Deadline Ke Baad Hi Hoye.

    • Kabir:
    • Jab Tu Aaya Jagat Mein, Log Hanse Tu Roye,
    • Aise Karni Na Kari, Pache Hanse Sab Roye.

    • SE:
    • Jab Project Aaye Company Mein, Client Hase Hum Roye,
    • Aisi Karni Na Kari, Tu Hase Client Roye...

    • Kabir:
    • Dukh Mein Sumiran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye,
    • Jo Sukh Mein Sumiran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye.

    • SE:
    • Rush Hour Mein Kaam Sab Karein, Routine Mein Kare Na Koye,
    • Jo Routine Mein Sab Kaam Kare, To Rush Hour Kaahe Hoye.

    • Kabir:
    • Pothhi Padh Padh Jag Mooya, Pandit Bhaya Na Koye,
    • Dhai Aakhar Prem Ka, Padhe So Pandit Hoye.

    • SE:
    • Coding Kar Kar Jag Mooya, Programmer Bhaya Na Koye,
    • Do Shabd Copy-Paste Ke, Kare So Programmer Hoye.

    • Kabir:
    • Chalati Chakki Dekh Ke, Diya Kabira Roye,
    • Do Paatan Ke Beech mein, Saabut Bacha Na Koye.

    • SE:
    • Client Aur Manager Ko Dekhke, Engineers Saare Roye,
    • Deadline Meet Karne Ke Chakkar Mein, Saabut Bacha Na Koye.

    • Kabir:
    • Chinta Aisee Dakini, Kat Kaleja Khaye,
    • Vaid Bichara Kya Kare, Kahan Tak Dawa Lagaye.

    • SE:
    • Deadline Aisi Dakini, Man Ka Tension Badhaaye,
    • Kaam Itna Ho Sar Par, Time Pe Complete Kaise Ho Paaye.

    • Kabir:
    • Maala To Kar Mein Phire, Jeebh Phire Mukh Mahin,
    • Manua To Chahun Dish Phire, Yeh To Sumiran Nahin.

    • SE:
    • Engineer Gaye sab Cigarette Peene, Leader Phire Office Maahin,
    • Cubicle Se Jyaada Time Canteen Pe Rahe, Yeh To Dedication Naahin.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Police vs Military
    • Since the army is gradually talking over more and more functions of the police, there is much heartburning in police circles.

    • A constable who could not take the reduction of his status much longer, got talking to a jawan, "Bhai, I am told that you jawans of the army have to spend many years on the borders before you get leave. Meanwhile, your wives go on bearing children. Is this really true? How do you treat these ready-made children planted on you?"

    • The jawan replied cooly, "I do not think this is a common occurrence. But when it takes place we enrol these ready-made children, as you call them, into the police."
    • MILITARY   
    • New Baby Sibling
    • When a woman discovered that she was pregnant, her four-year-old son overheard his parents' conversation.

    • He didn't say anything until a week later when a family friend asked him if he was excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister.

    • "Yes," said the boy, "and I know what we're going to name it. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Emily, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
    • CHILDREN   
    • How to Test for Live Wire
    • Ek din husband apne ghar ki light theek kar raha tha.

    • Usne apni wife ko awaaz lagai: Sonu ki mummy.... sunti ho... idhar toh aana ek minute ki lye.

    • Wife: Kya hai?

    • Husband: Arrey idhar toh aao yaar, kaam hai.

    • Wife: Lo aa gayi, batao kya kaam hai?

    • Husband: Yeh 2 wires hain, inmein se kisi ek ko pakadna.

    • Wife: Kisliye?

    • Husband: Arrey pakdo na, just ek second ke liye.

    • Wife: Yeh lo, pakad liya... ab?

    • Husband: Kuch hua toh nahin?

    • Wife: Nahin toh... kyun?

    • Husband: Iska matlab current doosri waali taar mein hai.... Thanks 
    • =======================
    • Educated Vs Uneducated
    • A visitor to the capital approached a man at a bus stand and asked, "Sir, will this bus go to Connaught Place?"

    • "Ya," replied the man.

    • Not understanding what the word meant he asked another who likewise replied, "Ya."

    • So did the third and the fourth man. Then he approached Santa and asked the same question.

    • He replied, "Yes sir, it does."

    • The visitor further asked, "What does 'Ya' mean? Why did you reply '"Yes sir'?"

    • "Sir Ji, an educated person always says 'Yes Sir'. Only the uneducated say 'Ya'," replied Santa.

    • "Are you an educated person?" "Ya."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Crying for the Mother-in-Law
    • A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.

    • Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.

    • Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

    • The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.

    • Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"

    • To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Complete vs Finished...
    • No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.

    • Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

    • His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'

    • If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Ffinished.'

    • And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

    • His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
    • FUNNY   
    • Golf Bet
    • Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

    • Tiger says to Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

    • Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

    • Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

    • Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

    • Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

    • Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

    • Tiger: "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    • Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

    • "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.

    • "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

    • Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

    • Stevie: "Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer."

    • Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

    • Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

    • Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that... $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

    • Stevie: "Pick a night."



    • The Secret Airbase
    • United State Air Force has a high security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

    • One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated. The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost & spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

    • The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot & held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost & wasn't a spy. They are fueled his airplane, threatened him that if he lands again he would spend the rest of his life in prison, and let him go.

    • The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force personnel, the same Cessna landed there again.

    • Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

    • The same pilot jumped out & said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
    • MILITARY   
    • Khuli Loot!
    • Pappu: Saala Ye Sab Teacher Logo Ki Mili Bhagat Hoti Hai, Ek Photo Ke 20 Rupaye lagte Hai Aur Hum Logo Se 50-50 Rupaye Liye Ja Rahe Hain. Matlab Ek Bachche Se 30 Rupay Bachayenge Aur Akele Apni Class Mein 60 Bachche Hai, Toh 60*30 Hote Hain 1800 Rupaye. Khuli Loot Macha Rakhi Hai In Logon Ne. Phir Hamare Paiso Se Ye Sab Staff Room Mein Baith Ke Maje Se Samose Khayenge Aur Hum Bachchon Ko Milega Babaji Ka Thullu... Chal bhai Tappu Ghar Chalte Hai, Kal Mummy Se 50 Rupaye Le Kar Aana.

    • Pappu to Mom: Mummy Kal School Mein Group Photo Shoot Hona Hai, Teacher Ne 100 Rupaye Mangaye Hai.

    • Mom: Ek Photo 100 Rupaye??? Khuli Loot Macha Rakhi Hai In Logo Ne. Phir Hamare Paiso Se Ye Sab Aish Karenge. Ruk Pappu Beta Mein Tere Papa Se Maangti Hun.

    • Mom to Dad: Aji Sunte Ho, Pappu Ke School Mein Group Photo Ke Liye 200 Rupauye Mangaye Hai!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • I Haven't Finished...
    • An angry senator was attacking a minister of government. The minister tried to interrupt the senator's speech.

    • "I haven't finished yet," roared the senator, and went on in his near- defamatory tirade.

    • Each time the minister tried to protest, the Senator yelled, "I haven't finished yet."

    • At long last when the speech ended, the minister asked, "Have you finished now?"

    • "Yes," replied the senator, taking his seat.

    • "Then pull the chain."
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Patel, Patel, Patel and Patel
    • A firm of solicitors in Mumbai go under the name of Patel, Patel, Patel and Patel.

    • The office phone rang and the voice at the other end asked, "May I speak to Mr Patel?"

    • "Mr Patel is not in his seat."

    • "In that case can I speak to the other Mr Patel?"

    • "The other Mr Patel is out of station."

    • "Then put me on to the third Mr Patel."

    • "Sorry, the third Mr Patel has gone out for lunch."

    • "Okay then, I will speak to the last Mr Patel."

    • "Patel speaking."


    • First Official Visit!
    • A newly appointed health minister of a northern state (guess which?) whose knowledge of English was somewhat elementary was on his first official visit to the largest hospital in the Capital.

    • The Director of Medical Services took the minister round the operating theatres and general wards till they came to the women patients' section.

    • "This, sir, is the labour ward," explained the director.

    • The minister stopped in his tracks and said firmly, "I will not visit this ward. Don't you know we have a labour minister in the government? I must not trespass into his domain."
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Straight From the Barber's Shop
    • President Zia-ul-Haq's trusted barber seemed to have become infected by the popular demand for the restoration of democracy. One morning while clipping the President's hair he asked, "Gareeb Pur war! When are you going to have elections in Pakistan?"

    • The President ignored the question with the contempt it deserved from a military dictator.

    • At the next hair-cutting session, the barber asked, "Aali jah! Isn't it time you redeemed your promise to hold elections?"

    • The President controlled his temper and remained silent.

    • On the third hair-clipping session, the barber again blurted out, "Banda Nawaz, the awam (commom people) are clamouring for elections, when will you order them?"

    • The President could not contain himself anymore and exploded, "Gaddar! I will have you taught a lesson you will never forget."

    • And ordered his minions to take away the barber and give him ten lashes on his buttocks."

    • The barber fell at the great man's feet and whined, "Zill-e-Illahi (shadow of God), I eat your salt; how can I become a gaddar (traitor)? I only mentioned elections to make my job easier."

    • "Every time I utter the word election, Your Excellency's hair stands on end and is much easier to clip."
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Marriage Vows!
    • When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

    • Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

    • She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"

    • Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' shit. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Stern Warning!
    • Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.

    • Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

    • Little Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


    • Visiting a Dentist
    • During Zia's rule, a gentleman travelled all the way from Islamabad to Karachi to have an aching tooth taken out.

    • The Karachi dentist said, "Surely you have dentists in Islamabad! You did not have to come all this way to have your teeth attended to."

    • "We have no choice. In Islamabad we are not allowed to open our mouths," replied the man with the aching tooth!
    • DOCTORS   
    • Rash Driving!
    • A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.

    • Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."

    • "Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Maruti of a Buffalo!
    • Santa had saved up a lot of money to buy a car. But when he had required sum, instead of buying a car he brought a buffalo.

    • "Santa ji you were always saying you wanted a car to drive to the the market. And now you have gone and brought another buffalo. Won't you look ridiculous riding a buffalo to the market?" complained his wife, Jeeto.

    • Quite unabashed, the Santa replied, "Wouldn't I look more ridiculous trying to milk a Maruti?"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Witnessing Childbirth
    • Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

    • The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

    • The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    • Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"


    • Are X-Rays Bad ?
    • Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Rayed instead.

    • "Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!"

    • "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man.

    • "It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"
    • LAWYERS   
    • Height of Work Pressure
    • Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.

    • Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.

    • Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"

    • I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.

    • Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"

    • Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !

    • Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.

    • And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.

    • So avoid working so hard !
    • Have a great work-life balance.


    • Lastly.....
    • Height Of Work Pressure:

    • An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.
    • FUNNY   
    • Rulers and Servants!
    • An American delegation on a visit to India were being shown round the capital. In the evening they were taken to the Secretariat for a panoramic view of Vijay Chowk and Rajpath. Came the closing hour and thousands upon thousands of clerks poured out of their offices. The place was crammed with bicycles and pedestrians.

    • "Who are all these peoples?" asked the leader of the American delegation.

    • "They are the common people of India; the real rulers of the country," proudly replied the minister accompanying the visitors.

    • A few minutes later came a fleet of flag-bearing limousines escorted by pilots on motorcycles followed by jeeps full of armed policemen.

    • "And who are these?" asked the American.

    • "These are us," replied the minister with the same pride, "the servants of the people."
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Sober vs. Drunk !
    • The skipper of a tramp steamer, in writing up the log recording an eventful day, rounded off his task with the entry: "Mate intoxicated."

    • To the mate, who indignantly protested on reading it, the skipper retorted: "Well, it's true, ain't it?"

    • On the following day it was the mate's duty to write up the log, and he completed his account with "Skipper sober."

    • The captain stared at it for a moment, then exploded.

    • "Well, it's true, ain't it?" was the mate's rejoinder!


    • Don't be Smart with Kids!
    • In a Nursery School Canteen, there was a basket of Apples with a notice written over it: Do not take more than one, God is watching.
    • On the other counter there was a box of chocolates. A small child went & wrote on it: Take as many as u want, God is busy watching the Apples.
    • Moral: NEVER ACT SMART WITH today's generation...!!!

    • KID: Why some of your hairs are white, Dad?
    • DAD: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white...
    • KID: Now I understand why Grandpa's all hairs are white...
    • Moral: Don't be over smart with today's kids!

    • Child: Mummy why Gandhiji had no hair on his head?
    • Mummy: Because he spoke truth only.
    • Child: Now I understood why ladies have long hairs...
    • The moral remains the same!
    • CHILDREN   
    • Jesus is Watching!
    • A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal.

    • All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
    • Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

    • "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

    • The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room.

    • Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

    • "So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

    • To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • Enough about Wives...
    • Enough about Wives, now something for Husbands...

    • A new metal is added to chemistry:

    • Name: Husband
    • Symbol: Hb
    • Atomic Weight:
    • -Light when first found...
    • -tends to get heavier over the years with time.

    • Physical Properties:
    • Boils at any time with inlaws.
    • Can freeze in front of his own family.
    • Melts if sees other women.
    • Very Bitter if questioned.

    • Chemical Properties:
    • Very Reactive
    • Highly Unstable
    • Possess Strong resistance to Gold, Silver, Diamond, Platinum, Credit cards & Cheque books.
    • Money saving Agent.

    • Occurrence:
    • Mostly found in front of the TV.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Customer Complaint
    • A customer complaint to the Irish Railway Company. The following is a customer complaint to the Irish Railway Company.

    • Gentlemen,
    • I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

    • Yours truly,
    • Patrick Finnegan

    • Dear Mr. Finnegan,
    • We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
    • Sincerely,
    • Irish Railway Company

    • Gentlemen,
    • I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

    • That... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

    • Yours truly,
    • Patrick Finnegan.



    • Gabbar's Management Lessons
    • Gabbar was more than just a ruthless Dacoit he was also a management and marketing genius. Just have a look at all that we can learn from his enterprising character:

    • 1. Jo Darr Gaya Samjho Marr Gaya!!
    • This is the most timeless lesson from Gabbar Singh. Courage and enterprise are the most important factors for laying the successful foundation of a growth oriented organization or a happy life.

    • 2. Kitne Aadmi The ?
    • As part of business strategy, Gabbar Singh made it a point to understand his competition and knowing that his team was defeated by only two people, he understood that even a small team could make a difference.

    • 3. Arey O Sambha, Kitna Inaam Rakhi Hai Sarkaar Hum Pe?
    • Gabbar knew the importance of promoting one's own brand. He put it very nicely. When mothers put their kids to sleep saying, "So ja nahi toh Gabbar aa jayeg," you know that brand value is built by shamelessly promoting your business.

    • 4. 6 Goli Aur Aadmi 3? Bahut Nainsaafi Hai?
    • Gabbar Singh had a sense of sarcasm and sadism. He created an illusion where his people had a chance of survival. He kills them in the next scene. Moral: - Perform or perish.

    • 5. Le, Ab Goli Kha...
    • Sometimes in the interest of the organization the management has to take some hard decisions. He always put the interest of his establishment before himself. So sometimes he had to 'fire' some employees.

    • 6. Bahut Yaraana Lagta Hai!
    • Gabbar was good at recognizing emotions and knew how to milk them for his own good. Through close observation, he found that Basanti and Veeru were madly in love with each other.
    • So, he motivated her to shake a leg by threatening her 'जब तक तेरे पैर चलेंगे, इसकी साँसे चलेंगी '. He had a good sense of timing while applying the 'carrot and stick approach'.
    • He was also a lover of music and dance. 'Mehbooba Mehbooba' was his favorite bonfire song.

    • 7. Bahut Pachtaoge Tahkur!
    • Gabbar never took superficial decisions. Thakur put him behind bars. He made a promise to himself and returned from prison to obliterate Thakur's family and chop off those very limbs that put him behind prison walls.
    • It shows his resoluteness. Very important factor for success.

    • 8. Tera Kya Hoga Kaliya?
    • This statement shows how much employee feedback is valued during management decisions taken at the Board of directors meetings.

    • 9. Tu Kya Ladega Mujhse Thakur?
    • Final lesson: Never underestimate your competition. Gabbar had robbed Thakur of his arms but not of his willpower and intelligence. Thakur finally brings Gabbar to his knees and ends his reign.
    • HINGLISH   
    • A Burger or a Kiss!!!
    • Wife: Can you help me in the gardening ?

    • Husband: What do you think I am... a gardener ?

    • Wife: Can you fix the door handle ?

    • Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?

    • In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

    • Husband: Who did all this ?

    • Wife: Our neighbour. But he gave me 2 options.... Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

    • Husband: I am sure you must have given him a burger.

    • Wife: What do you think I am.......McDonald ?!!
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Chef on Board...
    • An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

    • "Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

    • "And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

    • The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

    • "The chef said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
    • FUNNY   
    • What a Tragedy!!!!
    • Aaj Jo Ek Aurat Ke Saath Hua Woh Kisi Dushman Ke Saath bhi Na Ho....

    • Subhay Uthi..... Breakfast Banaya, Lunch Banaya.....

    • Bachchon Ko Khilaya.....

    • Pati Ko Khilaya.....

    • Unhe Tayaar Kar Ke, Unka Tiffin Pack Kar Ke Unhe Bheja.....

    • Joothay Bartan Ikhata Karke Rakh Diye.....

    • Kapde Washing Machine Mein Daal Diye.....

    • Phir Shower Lene Chali Gayi.....

    • Bahar Nikalkar Nail Paint Lagai.....

    • Hair Dry Kiye.....

    • Red Suit Pehna,.....

    • Kajal Lagaya.....

    • Lipstick Lagai.....

    • Hair Style Kiya.....

    • Bus Duppata Lene Hi Waali Tthi..... Ki Uska Mobile Baja....

    • ......Pucho Mat Ki Kya Hua.....

    • Use Laga jaise Kisi Ne Garam Lohe Ka Hathoda Us Ke Kaan Par Maar Diya Ho.....

    • Kya...

    • Kya....

    • Kya Bol rahi Hai Tu???

    • ......
    • ........
    • ...........

    • Memsaab Mereko Bukhar Hai.... AAj Kaam Par Nahi Aaaugi.


    • Priest's Retirement Speech
    • A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

    • He commenced with: "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!"

    • "I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

    • He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had affiar with his boss's 20 year old daughter, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

    • Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

    • "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

    • Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.
    • FUNNY   
    • Funny Medical Advice
    • Here is an update on all that health stuff we keep hearing about!!!!!!
    • Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
    • A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    • Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    • A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    • Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    • A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    • Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    • A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain. Good!

    • Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    • A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    • Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    • A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    • Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    • A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

    • Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    • A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    • Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
    • A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

    • Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    • And remember:
    • 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
    • DOCTORS   
    • Mukesh in his 27 Storied Home
    • Mukeshbhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor, takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor, has breakfast on the 19th floor, dresses up for office on 14th floor, collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor, wishes Bye to Nitabhabhi on 16th floor, says 'See You' to his children on 13th floor, and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2.5 Crore Mercedes to office, but then he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs. But on which floor? 15th, 17th,19th,14th,21st,16th or 13th ?

    • He phones all his servants, cooks, maids, secretaries, pool attendants, gym trainers, etc. on all the floors. There is a hectic search and lot of running about on all the floors, but thekey is not traceable. Fed up, after half an hour, Mukeshbhai leaves in a chauffeur driven ordinary Ikon car.

    • At 3.30 P.M. late in the afternoon it is discovered that 4 days back, a temporary replacement maid had washed Mukeshbhai's pants and hung it to dry on a string in the balcony of 16th floor, with car keys in the pant pocket. They had blown away somewhere in the high winds at 16th floor level and was never found. This was found out because of Nitabhabhi's habit of checking clothes given for ironing personally.

    • Meanwhile, after 3 days of the incident, Nita bhabhi with all irritation writ large on her face, complained to Mukesh bhai asking him where he was roaming till 3 am last night.

    • Mukesh replied that he was at home all night. `Then why did the helicopter land in the terrace at 3 am? I was so worried. I could not sleep whole night," quizzed Nita bhabhi.

    • "Oh that helicopter`.. That helicopter came from Germany, sent by guys from BMW to deliver the duplicate car key..." mumbled Mukesh.

    • Moral of The Story: A two bed room flat is a better choice.
    • CELEBRITIES   
    • Whiskey Shots
    • A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt scotch.

    • The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot and does the same.

    • The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?"

    • And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap ,and the last one always makes me sick



    • Winston Churchill on Whisky
    • Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky. Here's how he answered:

    • "If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children;
    • if you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre of my being."

    • "However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes;
    • if you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow;
    • if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation... then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favour of it..!!!"

    • "This is my po.sition, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle.!!!"
    • REPARTEE   
    • No One Slept with Mom
    • Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults ?

    • Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

    • The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.

    • They said OK.

    • After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

    • As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

    • As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

    • Alex shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"

    • The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Stranded on an Island
    • One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    • After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

    • In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    • She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

    • "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

    • "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    • "But, where did you get the tools?"

    • "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    • The guy is stunned.

    • "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

    • While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

    • "Would you like a drink?"

    • "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    • "Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

    • Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

    • No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    • "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

    • When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    • "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.

    • He can't believe what he's hearing, "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
    • "You've built a Golf Course too?"
    • GOLF   
    • Cheers Everybody!
    • In our life, problems may go from "Haywards 2000" to "Haywards 5000", but we must take them as a "Royal Challenge" otherwise people will call us "Old Monk" and put a "Black Label" on our name.

    • So, we must learn from "Teachers" to fight like "Jack Daniel", live like a "Bagpiper", walk like "Johny Walker", work till "8 PM" & think like "Director Special".

    • Then life will be "Imperial" and we will become "Aristocrat" and there will be value for our "Signature".


    • The Yummy Dish!
    • A man who is a manager in 5 star hotel calls his wife.

    • Husband: Aaj khaane mein kya pakaya hai?

    • Wife: Steamed fine long grain white rice, hand-picked in the emerald green lap of the Vindhyas, accompanied by a golden lentil soup that was gently simmered over the smouldering kisses of angels and served with dollops of fragrant clarified butter.

    • Husband: WOW... SOUNDS YUMMY!!1! Naam kya hai dish ka???

    • Wife: Daal-Chawal.

    • Husband: Daal-Chawal?? Toh itna ghumaya kyun?

    • Wife: Maine bhi vaise hi kaha jaise tum 5 star wale public ko kehte ho.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Lalu and Ebola Problem
    • Lalu's PA: Sir! There is a new problem.

    • Lalu: Ka problem?

    • PA: Ebola.

    • Lalu: Kaun bola?

    • PA: Koi bola nahin Sir, Ebola.

    • Lalu: Arrey Kaun bola bhai? Nitish bola? Modi bola? Kaun bola?

    • PA: Sir, aap samajh hi Nahin rahey hain. Ebola.

    • Lalu: Abey ham samajh Nahin rahey hain Ki tum pagla Gaye ho ka? Bola kaun, Manmohnwa Bol Diya ka re?
    • HINGLISH   
    • Crossed Eyed Bull
    • Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

    • "Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

    • The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

    • He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

    • He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

    • "Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

    • Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

    • Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

    • Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

    • "What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

    • "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Stay Away from Mom when...
    • Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    • The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff. But then the teacher realised that only Little Johnny was left. "Johnny, do you have a story to share ?"

    • "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    • "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story???" "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..


    • Irish Sugar Test
    • One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

    • He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?"

    • The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

    • "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

    • "No, not at all," says the pharmacist.

    • "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

    • "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
    • FUNNY   
    • Proper Procedure
    • Bank mein customer ne cheque dete hue poochha: Madam yeh kitne dino mein clear ho jaayega.

    • Madam: Kam se kam do-teen din lagenge.

    • Customer: Lekin madam itna time kyon lagega? Jis bank ka cheque maine diya hai woh to saamne waali duilding mein hi hai.

    • Madam (Bade hi shaant swar mein): Sir main aapko kaise samjhun, procedure to follow karna hi padta hai na. Maan leejiye ki aap shamshaan ke saamne hi mar jaate hain to ghar waale aapki laash ko ghar le jaayenge ya wahin saamne nipta denge. Boliye?

    • Customer behosh!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Drugs For Husbands!
    • New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...

    • ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...

    • SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...

    • SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...

    • WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...

    • SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...

    • FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Pricey 'Tomato' Jokes
    • With the rising prices, tomatoes are the latest to become the butt of jokes online. With the vegetable costing as much as Rs. 70-100 per kg, no wonder people are venting their frustration on social media....

    • Tomato hits the 100 rupee mark in a week, declared Blockbuster!

    • There are only two kinds of people in India: One who can afford tomatoes and the others who can't.

    • Heard a noted politician has deposited 100 kg tomatoes in his Swiss bank account.

    • Acche din have finally arrived: Petrol gets cheaper than tomatoes!

    • Sign board at a tomato vendor: We accept all kinds of credit cards!

    • Hamein dahej mein kuch nahi chahiye, hum toh bas itna chahte hain ki aap baraatiyon ka swaagat 'tomato soup' se karein.

    • Instruction from Central Government to all restaurants: People ordering for tomato soup need to produce their PAN card.

    • Husband tells wife: I've been recently upgraded from a Platinum card to Tangy card that gives a 10% cash back on tomato purchases.

    • Government has extended the deadline for filling tax returns to 31st August, tomato purchases can now be claimed. Issued in public interest.
    • ===============================
    • Blind Pilot ???
    • A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

    • Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

    • He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

    • The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines! True story...
    • Have a great day and remember...... Things aren't always what they appear to be.
    • FUNNY   
    • Parachute Jumping
    • On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.

    • He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

    • The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

    • "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

    • After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
    • BLONDES   
    • If Gods were in IT World
    • Brahma: System installer

    • Vishnu: System operator

    • Shiva: System programmer

    • Narad: Data Transmitter

    • Yama: Deleter

    • Apsara & Rambha: Virus

    • Ganapati: Anti virus

    • Hanuman: E-Mail

    • Chitragupta: Hard Disc

    • Saraswati: Internet explorer

    • Parvati: Mother Board

    • Lakshmi: ATM
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY   
    • Factory Whistle
    • An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

    • "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

    • "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly One o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

    • When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

    • "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"



    • What's Your IQ?
    • A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.

    • A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

    • The man replied, "140."

    • So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.

    • The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great." 

    • Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

    • The man responded, "120."

    • So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.

    • The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."

    • A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

    • The man replied, "45."

    • The robot then said, "So, how are things in Bihar these days?"
    • FUNNY   
    • You and Boss!
    • When you take a long time, you're slow.
    • When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

    • When you don't do it, you're lazy.
    • When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

    • When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
    • When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

    • When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
    • When your boss does it, he's being firm.

    • When you are out of the office, you're wandering around.
    • When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

    • When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
    • When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

    • When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
    • When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

    • When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
    • When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
    • FUNNY   
    • Aap Chutiye Hain!
    • 1. Agar aap Black Goggles, pistol aur fuddu se Coat mein apna DP set karte hai to aap cool nahi @aapchutiyehain.

    • 2. Mall ke andar shades pehen kar ghoomne wale, jo apne aap aapko dude samajhte hain krupa dhyan de Aap dude nahi @AapChutiyeHain.

    • 3. Daru pi ke har jagah ulti karne wale "experienced" drinker, everybody at the party knows ki @AapChutiyeHain.

    • 4. Agar aap apni crush se uske paanch baar please bolne pe rakhi bandhwane ko tayyar ho jaate hain, toh kasam Rakhi Sawant ki, @AapChutiyeHain.

    • 5. Apne birthdayy pe party nahi dene wale dost, agar aaj mere birthday pe party maangte ho to, aapke birthday cake pe bhi yahi likha hoga @aapchutiyehain.

    • 6. Agar apko lagta hai ki Office Mail mein 'As soon as possible' likhne se kaam jaldi ho jaayega, toh MS Outlook ki kasam @AapChutiyeHain.

    • 7. Agar aap GYM ke liye 40k 'upfront' dete hain or 1st floor ke liye bhi lift ka upyog kartey hain toh Adnaan Saami bhi kahega @AapChutiyeHain.

    • 8. Agar aap bhari hui Mumbai local mein ipad nikaal ke temple run khelne khade ho jaate hein toh Steve jobs bhi kahega @AapChutiyeHain.

    • 9. Agar aap apni splendour ka silencer nikalwa ke sochte hai ab wo sports bike type lagegi toh mechanic bhi kahega @AapChutiyeHain.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Overconfidence!
    • 1) Once, all villages decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That's Faith.

    • 2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That's Trust.

    • 3) Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up - That's Hope.

    • 4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That's Confidence.

    • 5) We see the world suffering. We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still we get married - That's Over Confidence.


    • Smell a Rat!!!
    • This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.

    • "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."

    • "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."

    • "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."

    • About a week later the guy gets a call.

    • "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"

    • "Not so good, dude."

    • "What's the problem?" his friend asks.

    • "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
    • FUNNY   
    • New Secretary
    • Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills. She was attractive, and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

    • One attorney said to the other, "Our secretary is so young, pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys. Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

    • "Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."
    • LAWYERS   
    • Chatting While Working
    • An employee was chatting on the web seriously with a lady called Amy. Manager walks into his cube and asks...

    • Manager: Can you write me a program for sorting the float values.

    • Employee (Steve): I am kind of busy with another job. I will be able to give you the complete program by tomorrow.
    • .......Back to chat......

    • Steve: Sorry for late reply!!! My stupid boss was here.

    • Amy: Bosses are really pain right?

    • Steve: Yep!! They are pain in...

    • Amy: Can you do me a favor darling.

    • Steve: I am for you honey.

    • Amy: Can you write me a program to sort float.

    • Steve: Oh honey!! It's on my finger tips....Here you go.

    • Amy: Dude!!! that is what I asked you at your cubicle.
    • FUNNY   
    • A Day in the Life!
    • What is Generation Gap?
    • Father used to walk 20 Minutes to save 20 Rs.
    • Son spends 20 Rs. to save 20 Minutes.
    • Surprisingly both are correct...!!!

    • What is Cultural Gap
    • If electricity goes in America they call the power house.
    • In Japan, they test the fuse.
    • But In India, they check neighbour's house: Sabki gayi hai naa, phir thik hai! ??????

    • What is Sense of Responsibility
    • A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide...
    • Librarian looks at him and says: Bhai wapas kaun dene aayega???

    • Grandfather to Grandson
    • Go hide! Your teacher is coming as you bunked school today!
    • Grandson: YOU go hide... I told her YOU PASSED AWAY!! ??????

    • Sister to brother: What are you going to gift grandma on her birthday?
    • Brother: A football.
    • Sister: But grandma does not play!
    • Brother: On my birthday she gave me bhagvad gita. Uska kya?


    • Men Are Special
    • A man is the most beautiful part of God's creation who starts compromising at a very tender age.

    • He sacrifices his chocolates... for his sister.

    • He sacrifices his dreams, for just a smile on his parents face.

    • He spends his entire pocket money on buyng gifts for the lady he loves just to see her smiling.

    • He sacrifices his full youth for his wife & children by working late at night without any complain.

    • He builds their future by taking loans from banks & repaying them for lifetime.

    • He struggles a lot & still has to bear scolding from his mother, wife & boss.

    • His life finally ends up only by compromising for others' happiness.
    • If he goes out, then he's careless;
    • If he stays at home, then he's a lazy.

    • If he scolds children, then he's a monster;
    • If he doesn't scold, then he's a irresponsible guy.

    • If he stops wife from working, then he's an insecure guy;
    • If he doesn't stops wife from workin, then he's somebody who lives on wife's earnings.

    • If he listens to mom, then he's mama's boy;
    • If he listens to wife, he's wife's slave.

    • Respect every male in your life. You will never know what he has sacrificed for you.
    • FUNNY   
    • Army Training Ke Dauran...
    • Officer ne Santa se pucha: Ye Haath me kya hai?

    • Santa: Sir, Banduk hai...!

    • Officer: Ye Banduk Nahi! Tumhari Izzat hai, Shaan hai, Ye Tumhari MAA hai MAA.!!

    • Phir Officer ne dusre sipahi, Banta se pucha: Ye Hath me kya hai?

    • Banta: Sir, ye Santa ki Maa hai, Uski Izzat hai, Uski Shaan hai aur Hamari bhi Maa jaisi hai, Maa jaisi...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Cell Phone Etiquette
    • After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice...

    • "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know its the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart etc. etc...."

    • Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

    • Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
    • FUNNY   
    • Tight Fit!!!
    • An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me?"

    • "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

    • "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop."

    • "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

    • "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."

    • "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "Do you have much of a sex life?"

    • "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been."

    • The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

    • "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

    • "OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight.



    • The Importance of Number 4
    • 4 dino ka pyar o rabba lambi judai.

    • 4 dino ki chandni, phir andheri raat.

    • 4 kitabein toh padh li, ab 4 paise bhi kama lo.

    • Akhir hamari bhi 4 logon me koi izzat hai.

    • Ye baat 4 log sunenge to kya kahenge... ke 4 din ki aayi bahu ne ye kamal kiya.

    • 4 din toh ghar mein tik ke baith jati.

    • Tum se kya 4 kadam bhi nahi chala jata?

    • Wo aai aur 4 bateein suna ke chali gayi.

    • 4 bottle vodka kaam mera roz ka...
    • HINGLISH   
    • 'Dilbert Quotes' Contest
    • A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

    • 'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.' (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)

    • 'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    • 'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

    • 'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

    • 'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

    • 'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

    • Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

    • My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    • 'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
    • FUNNY   
    • Crazy people on my WhatsApp list
    • 1. Someone on his status "Sleeping" since 3 Days! He's Probably dead.

    • 2. Someone is "Driving" since 5 days! I guess he reached Dubai!!!

    • 3. Someone's status is "Happy" since 1 Month. Living in Paradise???

    • 4. Someone is always 'Available'. How free Are you????? 

    • 5. From first day their status is, 'Hey there! I'm using WhatsApp' I Know ! That's why you're on my list!

    • 6. Someone writes "urgent calls only". Don't get it... Are you in the police or ambulance service?

    • 7. Someone says, "Can't talk. Whatsapp only". Dude then throw away your phone.. You are not using the phone's Primary function 8. Someone is 'at d movies' for the past 6 weeks. Either he owns d theatre or sells popcorn there....
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY   
    • It's Thursday!!!
    • A business man got on an elevator.


    • He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T"

    • She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

    • He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

    • The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

    • The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

    • The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

    • 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

    • The man answered, "S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'"



    • Eye Check Up
    • A Russian, visiting India, went for an eye check up.

    • The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
    • CZWXNQSTAZKY

    • Doctor: Can you read this ?

    • Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy..., he's my cousin.
    • DOCTORS   
    • Signs You Have a Hangover
    • You are convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.

    • Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.

    • Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.

    • Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.

    • You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

    • You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

    • All day long your motto is, Never again.

    • You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

    • Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!
    • BAR   
    • Women Hunters
    • Three women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire. Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting.

    • She comes back with 2 rabbits.

    • The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?"

    • She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped."

    • Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer.

    • The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?"

    • She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped."

    • The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue.

    • They others say, "Wow, where did you get that?"

    • She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop!!
    • BLONDES   
    • Too Young to Die!
    • On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

    • "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

    • For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

    • He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.

    • He whispers in her ear, "Iron this... then get me a beer.


    • Kohli's 'Golden Duck'
    • Anushka Sharma is turning out to be the Greg Chappel of Virat Kohli's career!

    • A 'Golden Duck' is all Virat Kohli could gift Anushka Sharma at the Lord's.

    • Virat Kohli has scored a zero because of Anushka. No!!! He has scored a 'Duck' as a tribute to Anushka Sharma's new lip job.

    • Anushka Sharma: "Want to hear a joke?"
    • Virat Kohli: "Yes."
    • Anushka Sharma: "Runs."
    • Virat Kohli: "I don't get it." Anushka Sharma: "Exactly."

    • Sharapova: I know Anushka but who is Virat Kohli?

    • BCCI has given permission to Virat Kohli that he can keep Anushka Sharma with him in England, Now Kohli can officially score Duck.

    • Virat Kohli has 2 ducks now. One in this match and Anushka Sharma.

    • Virat Kohli has right to come back to pavilion as soon as possible as Anushka Sharma has traveled so long for his company.

    • Virat Kohli is so deeply madly in love with Anushka Sharma that he wants to remember her in his batting scores too.

    • 'Virat Kohli goes for Anushka Sharma' - the sentence has a whole new meaning (Goes for a duck).

    • Virat Kohli fell too much in love with the new duck lips of Anushka Sharma, that he did the same with his innings.

    • Why did Anushka Sharma came to England with Virat Kohli, when everybody knows that Indian cricketers can't perform overseas.

    • A women is behind every men's Success but unfortunately that not going to happen in Virat kohli and Anuska sharma's life.
    • SPORTS   
    • Outdoorsman!!!
    • During my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

    • I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miaDuring my medical examination my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

    • I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes and I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

    • Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

    • "No," I replied, "just a shitty golfer!"
    • GOLF   
    • Second Appendix???
    • A man phoned his doctor very late at night saying his wife appeared to have Appendicitis.

    • "That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up after midnight. "She had an appendectomy last year. Don't be stupid. Only a moron like you would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?"

    • "No, you are the moron!" the husband replied. "Haven't you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
    • DOCTORS   
    • Cow Horns
    • A blonde asked a farmer, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

    • The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, cattle can do a lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep them trimmed down. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow doesn't have horns is because it's a horse."



    • Stupid Salesman!!!
    • A travelling salesman's car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.

    • The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they'll sort his car out in the morning.

    • "There's only one small problem," says the farmer, "We don't have much room, so y'all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby."

    • Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch.

    • The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, hot blonde busy making coffee. She turns around when he walks in and coos, "Hi, I'm Baby, who are you?"

    • He replies, "I'm the stupid salesman who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch!!"
    • FUNNY  18
    • Having a Bad Day!
    • A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

    • Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

    • Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
    • FUNNY  24
    • Enforcing The Rules
    • Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a recent college graduate trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

    • One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

    • Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

    • The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."
    • FUNNY  5
    • Being Possible !!!
    • The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room.

    • "A football player."

    • "A doctor."

    • "An astronaut."

    • "The president."

    • "A fireman."

    • "A teacher."

    • "A race car driver."

    • Everyone that is, except Little Johnny. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still.

    • So she said to him, "Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

    • "Possible" Little Johnny replied.

    • "Possible?" asked the teacher.

    • "Yes," Little Johnny said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."



    • Ex-Wife!!!
    • Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

    • His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

    • "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

    • Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

    • She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    • "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

    • "Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    • "I wasn't! "
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Generous Santa
    • Ek din Santa office jaane ke liye bus mein chada toh conductor ne haste hua pucha, "Sir, kal raat theek-thaak ghar pahunch gaye the aap? Kahin gire toh nahin, ya ghar ka raasta toh nahin bhule ghar ka?"

    • Santa, gusse mein, "Kyun? Kal raat ko mujhe kya hua tha?"

    • Conductor, "Kal raat aap nashe mein tunn the."

    • Santa, "Tum kaise kah sakte ho ki main nashe mein tha, hamne toh aapas mein baat bhi nahin ki koi?"

    • Conductor, "Sir ji, vo aisa hai ki kal raat jab aap bus mein baithe hue the tab ek madam bus mein chadhi, aur aapne uthkar unhe seat offer ki thi."

    • Santa, hairaani se, "Toh kya kisi lady ko seat offer karna gunah hai?"

    • Conductor, haste hue, "Gunah toh nahin hai sir, per us time bus mein sirf 4-6 hi passenger the."
    • HINGLISH   
    • Scared Swimmer!
    • While fishing off the Australia coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

    • Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any crocs around here?!"

    • "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

    • Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

    • About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the crocs?"

    • "We didn't do nothing," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
    • FUNNY   
    • I Lost My Car Keys...
    • Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

    • My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    • Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

    • There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.

    • "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

    • She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."


    • Online Friend
    • Nayi nayi friendship hui Facebook pe... numbers exchange hue... aur phir...

    • Girl: Hello darling! Kya kar rahe ho...???

    • Boy: Hai Jaanu, Shave kar raha hoon...

    • Girl: Jab bhi mai tum ko call karti hoon tum shave kar rahe hote ho... din mein kitni baar Shave krte ho...??

    • Boy: 30-40 baar...

    • Girl: Tum Pagal ho. kya...???

    • Boy: Nahi jaanu mainn Barber hun...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Playing Smart!!!
    • A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

    • "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" 

    • He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    • Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

    • With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    • "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

    • "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client."
    • LAWYERS   
    • Pregnant With Twins!!!
    • The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'What the heck,', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

    • She said, "I have some really great news!"

    • I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

    • I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

    • Then she said, "There's more."

    • I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"

    • She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

    • Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

    • She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
    • BLONDES   
    • Driving Under the Influence
    • One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

    • At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

    • Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

    • The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

    • The results showed a reading of 0.0.

    • The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

    • The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


    • ==============================
    • Archery Contest...
    • Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

    • The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position. He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.

    • Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM....... ROBIN HOOD!!!

    • The crowd cheers!

    • The second archer with a cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!

    • He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!

    • The crowd cheers!!!

    • Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position. He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!! It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!

    • Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... SORRY!!!
    • SPORTS   
    • Insaan Aur Khuda
    • Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: Mat karintezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
    • Maine bhi keh diya: Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai.

    • Phir khuda ne kaha: Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega.
    • Muskura ke maine kaha: Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega.

    • Phir khuda ne kaha: Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hoon.
    • Maine kaha: Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulwata hoon.

    • Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai.
    • Hans kar maine kaha: Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai.

    • Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Before and After Marriage
    • BEFORE: You take my breath away.
    • AFTER: I feel like I'm suffocating.

    • BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation.
    • AFTER: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

    • BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars.
    • AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

    • BEFORE: The Sound of Music.
    • AFTER: The Sound of Silence.

    • BEFORE: It's like I'm in a dream.
    • AFTER: It's like he's in a dorm.

    • BEFORE: We agree on everything!
    • AFTER: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

    • BEFORE: Charming and Noble.
    • AFTER: Chernobyl.

    • BEFORE: Ideal.
    • AFTER: Idle.

    • BEFORE: I love a woman with curves.
    • AFTER: I never said you were fat.

    • BEFORE: He's completely lost without me.
    • AFTER: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

    • BEFORE: Time stood still.
    • AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere.

    • BEFORE: Blind.
    • AFTER: Nearsighted.

    • BEFORE: You look so seductive in black.
    • AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing.

    • BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other.
    • AFTER: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Family Introduction
    • A man from UP is introducing his family:

    • 1. Ee hai hamaar biwi..... Google Raani... Ek sawal poocho toh 10 jawab deti hai...!!!

    • 2. Ee hai hamaar bitwa.... Facebook Kumar... Ghar ki baat sare colony tak pahuchata hai...!!!

    • 3. Ee hai hamaar bitiya .... Twitter Kumari... Poori colony isko folow karti hai...!!!

    • 4. Ee hai hamaar ammaji.. Whatsapp mata- pura din bud bud karti rehti hai..!!!

    • 5. Aur hum... Hum hain Orkut Kumar... Hamka koi puchhta hi nahi.



    • Funny Matrimonial Ads
    • LAWYER:
    • I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.
    • Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

    • BOATMAN:
    • Must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Plaese send the photograph of motorboat.

    • BANKER:
    • Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

    • SHAYAR:
    • Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai,
    • Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye,
    • Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi,
    • To yaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.

    • BEVDA:
    • Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friend come home only seven times a week.Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

    • CAR MECHANIC:
    • Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. Dent won't be tolerated especially in the head gear.

    • DOCTOR:
    • Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.
    • FUNNY   
    • Football or Cricket World Cup?
    • A boy's status on FB: Bye Bye Mexico!

    • Girl 1 comments: Wow! When did you go to Mexico?

    • Girl 2 comments: Yesterday, you were in Spain.

    • Girl 3 comments: So touring all Spanish speaking countries.

    • Boy: Girls, Spain and Mexico have been eliminated from the World Cup.

    • Girl 4: Don't make me a fool, I Know Spain and Mexico were never part of the World Cup. Even we follow a bit of Cricket!
    • FUNNY   
    • Breaking Up!
    • George went over to his fiancee's house and sadly told his girlfriend the wedding was off. He was going to marry another woman.

    • His girlfriend was distraught. She asked, "How can you choose another woman over me? Is she a better cook?"

    • "Not on her best days, she can't match your everyday cooking."

    • "Does she buy you gifts like I do, the electronic toys that please men so much.?"

    • "She can't buy me anything. She has no job and no money."

    • "Then she must be beautiful and hotter! Is she that much better than me?"

    • "No, you are fantastic."

    • "Then what can this woman possibly do better than me that you want to marry her?"

    • "She can sue me for child support."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • A Night Out!
    • An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    • Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom.

    • When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

    • He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    • "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

    • "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


    • Yelling for Help...
    • Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

    • After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others, "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

    • The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly, "Together, together, together."
    • BLONDES   
    • Sympathetic Visitor
    • A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

    • "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

    • "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

    • The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
    • FUNNY   
    • Never Forget Her Birthday
    • Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

    • "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.

    • At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

    • "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Children's Day' in all my life!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Emergency Signals
    • Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

    • Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

    • One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

    • The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

    • He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

    • What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

    • The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left..


    • Latest Suarez Jokes
    • Mom: Happy birthday Suarez.
    • Suarez: Thanks mom.
    • Mom: Cake kaato beta.
    • Suarez: Ok mom.
    • Mom: Arrey beta chakku se....

    • Had Luis Suarez been an engineering student, which Indian college was he likely to be found in?
    • BITS Pilani.

    • Suarez ke Talent Ki Daant Deni Hogi.

    • Generally In Other Sports We Have a Nail-Biting Finish... Soccer is Different !!!

    • If Suarez was from Bihar, what would his mother call him ?
    • 'Bitwa'

    • Luis Suarez ka favorite application?
    • BitTorrent.

    • And Last And Best One:
    • Suarez to girl: Do you believe in love at first bite?
    • CELEBRITIES   
    • Mind Your Own Business!
    • The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.

    • After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

    • The boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

    • The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"

    • The little boy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business!"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Habitual Drinker
    • The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family's urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.

    • A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist's office.

    • "I wanna report that I wash drunk last night," he mumbled.

    • "For heaven's sake, man, you're drunk right now! "cried the doctor.

    • "Yeah I know," said the patient, "but I'm gonna report this tomorrow...."
    • BAR   
    • DNA Test Results...
    • Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

    • Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

    • Lawyer: the bad news is that the dna tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene.

    • Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?.

    • Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol IS NORMAL


    • Terrible Eglish by a Bihar's Teacher:
    • 1) There is no wind in the football.

    • 2) I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

    • 3) You rotate the ground 4 times.

    • 4) You go and understand the tree.

    • 5) I'll give you clap on your cheeks.

    • 6) Bring your parents and your mother and especially your father.

    • 7) Close the window airforce is coming.

    • 8) I have two daughters and both are girls.

    • 9) Stand in a straight circle.

    • 10) Don stand in front of my back

    • And the best one...
    • 11) Why Haircut not cut...?
    • FUNNY   
    • The Divine Frog!
    • A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

    • The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

    • The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

    • The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

    • The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."

    • The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

    • The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
    • FUNNY   
    • The Female Stages of Life
    • Favorite drink:
    • Age 17: Wine Coolers
    • Age 25: White wine
    • Age 35: Red wine
    • Age 48: Dom Perignon
    • Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

    • Excuses for refusing dates:
    • 17: Need to wash my hair.
    • 25: Need to wash and condition my hair.
    • 35: Need to colour my hair.
    • 48: Need to have Francois color my hair.
    • 66: Need to have Francois color my wig.

    • Favorite sport:
    • 17: Shopping
    • 25: Shopping
    • 35: Shopping
    • 48: Shopping
    • 66: Shopping

    • Definition of successful date:
    • 17: "Burger King"
    • 25: "Free meal"
    • 35: "A diamond"
    • 48: "A bigger diamond"
    • 66: "Home Alone"

    • Favorite fantasy:
    • 17: Tall, dark and handsome.
    • 25: Tall, dark and handsome with money.
    • 35: Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain.
    • 48: A man with hair (preferably not on back).
    • 66: A man.

    • Pet:
    • 17: Muffy the Cat.
    • 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat.
    • 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat.
    • 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat.
    • 66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat.

    • Ideal age for marriage:
    • 17: 17
    • 25: 25
    • 35: 35
    • 48: 48
    • 66: 66

    • Ideal date:
    • 17: He offers to pay.
    • 25: He pays.
    • 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning.
    • 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids.
    • 66: He can chew breakfast.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Ultimate Facts
    • Men:
    • 1. All men are extremely busy.
    • 2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
    • 3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
    • 4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
    • 5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
    • 6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
    • 7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

    • Women:
    • 1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
    • 2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
    • 3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
    • 4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
    • 5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
    • 6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
    • 7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.


    • Twitterati bombards Humshakals
    • After 'Humshakals' debacle, Sajid Khan becomes butt of jokes! Sajid Khan struck again with yet another dud movie that promised to be better than his previous flop- 'Himmatwala'. Tweeples spare none when it comes to taking a jibe. After Alok Nath, Alia Bhatt, Tiger Shroff, it was time for Sajid Khan to face the witty wrath of people on social media. Here's what people had to say:

    • Deleted scene of Humshakals: In beginning Sajid khan narrated the story of movie to Saif and Riteish, both became mad and Sajid recorded it.

    • In a country where Humshakals is a HIT... we deserve directors like Sajid Khan... no rights to thrash him.

    • When will Sajid Khan release the DVD of Humshakal? I want to burn it.

    • Fact: Sajid Khan is still alive because he never watches movies directed by him.

    • Bad decisions are when Sajid khan decides to make a new movie.

    • Bad decisions are when you book tickets for a Sajid khan movie.

    • What acting is to Himmesh Reshamiya, filmmaking is to Sajid Khan. Disaster!

    • It is getting difficult to convince foreigners that India remains a poor country after they see people continue to fund Sajid Khan movies.

    • Everytime we run out of topics to joke about, Sajid Khan comes up with a film.

    • Modi Government announced Rs 2 Lakhs relief fund for every viewer of Humshakals- Sources

    • All Sajid Khan movies are Humshakals of each other.

    • 'Humshakals' should come with a statutory warning: Sajid Khan movies are injurious to your brain!

    • IRAQ govt. decides to beam Humshakals on giant screens across the country so that the ISIS flee in disgust.

    • A nation that helps Humshakals earn 25 cr in 2 days complains of a rise in train fare.

    • CID ko laash ki pocket se Humshakals ki ticket mili. ACP: Case clear hai, it's a suicide.

    • Gabbar: Kitne aadmi the?
    • Kaaliya: Dimag mat kharab kar, abi humshakals dekh ke aa raha hun.
    • Gabbar: Ok bhai sorry.

    • Humshakals has received an overwhelming response in China.

    • Sajid Khan made Himmatwala before Humshakals because he wanted to find the people brave enough to be interested in his next torture.

    • Censor Board asks Sajid Khan to keep a gap of 5 years between his films to allow recovery from earlier ones.

    • Sajid Khan is actually promoting anti piracy by making such movies.

    • Public verdict after watching Himmatwala: This is the worst film we have ever seen.
    • Sajid Khan accepted the challenge and makes Humshakals.

    • BREAKING: Govt has decided to station 2 ambulances outside every multiplex screening.

    • If you watch Humshakals, you seriously need to rethink about meaning of your existence.

    • People watching Humshakals and tweeting their disappointment with the movie is like slapping yourself and then crying for it.

    • Whenever you feel like you need talent to be successful in life, just remember Humshakals made 25 crores in 2 days.
    • FUNNY   
    • Funny Comments
    • Sarthak Agarwal topped HSC by scoring 99.6%.

    • These are the comments he got for the page that published it on facebook. Don't blame me if you die laughing....

    • 1. Don't publish this fact in newspaper. We have parents to answer.

    • 2. Itna toh mere phone ka battery bhi charge nahi hota...

    • 3. Ye ladka kalpanic hai iska vastavikta se koi sambandh nahi hai.

    • 4. Badhai ho... par aaj 8 saal ho gaye mere XII ke results ko, aaj fir daant padi.

    • 5. Apsara pencil se likha hota to 0.4% bhi mil jate....... extra marks for good hand writing.

    • 6. Tu roadie nahi banega... You dont give ur 100% - Raghu

    • 6. Mere pure graduation ke 3 saal ka total bhi itna nai jitna tu ek exam mein laya hai...

    • 7. Not a big deal... His tutor is Rajnikant.

    • 8. Congrats dude, you are the reason my parents have so many expectations.

    • 9. Itna toh dettol bhi kitanu nahin maarta...

    • 10. See Sarthak, I don't know what tough times you would hav gone through... lekin beta is tarah se padhaai pe gussa nahi nikalte...!!!

    • 11. Main toh agar apna paper khud check karta toh bhi itna marks nahi la paata.
    • FUNNY   
    • FIFA World Cup 2014 WhatsApp Group
    • Spain has left the group
    • Australia has left the group
    • Cameroon has left the group
    • England has left the group
    • Mexico is typing message
    • Croatia: typing message
    • Cote D'Ivoire: typing message
    • Argentina recording Audio
    • Brazil recording Audio
    • Netherland is online
    • Chile is online
    • Pakistan blocked
    • India last seen....
    • SPORTS   
    • Indian Parents
    • 22 EPIC things only Indian parents say. Read this...

    • 1. Paise Ped Pe Nahi Ugte Hain.

    • 2. Me: Mom, Can I go out for a late night party?
    • Mom: Ask Dad.
    • Dad: Ask Mom.

    • 3. If you don''t reach home by 8 pm, then there's no need to come back.

    • 4. If you don't study and make a career, you will become like him. *points to a homeless man...

    • 5. Bete, abhi padh lo, baad mein aish hi aish hai...

    • 6. Wait till you have Kids of You're own.

    • 7. Isse Boarding school bhejenge tabhi sudherega.

    • 8. Uncle Aunty ke Pair Chuo Beta... Aashirwaad Lo!

    • 9. Kid: Mummy mere maths mein 90 aaye out of 100.
    • Mom: Class mein Highest marks kitney hain?

    • 10. Go and study! Ye dost nahi aane vale tere exams dene.

    • 11. Tumko hi sab pata hai... humne toh duniya dekhi hi nahi hai na.

    • 12. Humari baat sun na kabse shuru karoge?

    • 13. Kahaan hai laad sahab, ye koi time hai ghar aane ka ?

    • 14. Ghus ja TV ke Andar... man of the match toh tujhe he milne wala hai!

    • 15. Aunty ko thank you bolo... bolo... 'Thank you aunty' bolo...

    • 16. Humare Time mein aise nahi hota tha.

    • 17. Jab khud kamaoge toh pata chalega kitna mushkil hai kamana.

    • 18. Kya tumhare dost bhi apne maa-baap se isi tarah baat karte hain?

    • 19. Mein ek hi baat mein baar baar nahi bolungi. You're getting up or no? I'm asking youu one last time.

    • 20. Beta, uncle ko woh dance kar ke dikhao, chalo dance kar ke dikhao. Haha, ab nahi kar raha, sharmila hai thoda.

    • 21. Iske Par nikal aaye hain.

    • 22. Dopahar mein bhi light kyu jalate ho?


    • Boys-Out Trip!
    • Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

    • Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

    • Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

    • "Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

    • "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

    • "I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

    • "And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

    • "So here I am....!!!"

    • Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Bollywood's Whatsapp Group
    • Akshay- Hi everyone !!
    • Shahid- Hi over acting ki dukaan...
    • Akshay-
    • Saif-
    • Kareena- Hi Saifu... Love you
    • Shahid lefts the group

    • Bipasha- haha.. bechara.. how r u friends ?
    • John- hey m fine .. miss u .. how's u ?
    • Bipasha lefts the group

    • Akshay- Arre yaar bahut boring ho raha hai
    • Ajay- Kyun ? Tees maar khan dekhi kya ?
    • Akshay- Nahi... Teri Himmatwala dekhi
    • Ajay was removed from group

    • Ashwariya- Nice to meet u all.. Thanks for adding in this group
    • Salman- Miss toh humne bhi bahot kiya aapko
    • Ashwariya- Hi.. who are u ?
    • Salman: Akshay- kya Sallu bhai.. bahot emotional ho rahe ho
    • Ashwariya lefts the group

    • Salman-
    • Vivek- koun hai Tu ? Kyun ro raha hai ?
    • Salman- mujh par ek ehsaan karna ke mujh par koi ehsaan mat karna
    • Vivek lefts group

    • Amitabh- hahaha... arre Akki hamare zamane ke actors hai ki nahi is group mein ?
    • Akshay- Haan hai na... Rekha ji hai
    • Amitabh lefts the group

    • Chunky- Bas karo yaar.. sab group Kyun chodd rahe hai ?
    • Saif- chunky ko kaun add kiya ?
    • Chunky-
    • Salman-
    • Govinda- Aap sabko Govinda ka namaskar
    • Shakti Kapoor- Aau mere Raja babu.. aapko bhi namaskar
    • Shakti Kapoor was removed from group

    • Shahrukh- Kyun nikala usko group se?
    • Akshay- Sorry.. galti se add huva... Vulgar members not allowed
    • Salman- Shahrukh ko Kyun add kiya ?
    • Shahrukh- Tera kya ja raha hai ?
    • Salman- sahi se reh nahi toh maar khayega
    • Shahrukh- Jyada natak mat kar 
    • Akki- Ladai bandh karo varna dono ko group se bahar nikal dunga
    • Suniel- Akki bhai Hera Pheri 3 ki shooting Kab shuru hogi ?
    • Akki- Tuje liya hai kya film mein
    • Suniel-
    • Hrithik- Hi Anna... Aaj Kal filmon mein dikhai nahi dete...
    • Suniel- jabse Krissh dekhi hai filmon mein kaam karne ka mann nahi karta
    • Madhuri- Hello Friends.. Meri Gulabi Gang film aa rahi hai.. zarur dekna.
    • Juhi- yes friends zarur dekna.. main bhi hun.
    • Alia bhatt- Ha ha .. koi nahi dekega.
    • Raveena- Akki ... bachchiyon ko kyun add kiya group mein?
    • Sunny leone- only adults allowed
    • Saif- oye Sunny Leone bhi hai kya ?
    • Kareena lefts the group

    • Sunny Leone was removed from group
    • Sunny deol added in group
    • Akki- Hi Dhai kilo wale haath.
    • Sunny Deol- Action hero se mazak?
    • Suniel- main hun action hero.
    • Akki- main hun
    • Salman- Action ka dusra naam Salman khan.
    • John- I am Action hero.
    • Rajnikant- Munna.. jhund mein toh suvar aate hai... sher akela aata hai.
    • John- Kaun Tu ?
    • Rajnikant- Yenna raskala... mind it
    • Sunny- Kaun hai yeh Akki ?? Bata na.
    • Akki- Rajnikant sir.
    • Sunny deol lefts the group
    • Hrithik lefts the group
    • John lefts the group
    • Saif lefts the group
    • Salman lefts the group 
    • Shahrukh lefts the group
    • FUNNY   
    • What is Vicious Circle???
    • The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

    • The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself."

    • The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun."

    • The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."

    • The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

    • Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."

    • The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."

    • The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."

    • The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."

    • Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."

    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • The grandpa calls secretary....
    • FUNNY   
    • Friends Never Change
    • RESULT AGAR ACHCHA HO:
    • Maa: Bhagwan ki kripa hai.
    • Papa: Beta Kiska Hai.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

    • RESULT AGAR BURA HO:
    • Maa: Aag lage is college main.
    • Papa: Laad pyar ne bigaad diya.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

    • NAUKRI LAGNE PAR:
    • Maa: Apni sehat ka khyal rakhna.
    • Papa: Khoob Mehnat se kaam karna.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hain.

    • NAUKRI CHHOOTNE PAR:
    • Maa: Naukri hi kharab thee.
    • Papa: Koi baat Nahin, doosri mil jayegi.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

    • BIRTHDAY PAR:
    • Maa: Jug jug jiye mera beta.
    • Papa: Hamesha aage badhe.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

    • SHAADI PAR:
    • Maa: Sadaa Sukhi Raho.
    • Papa: Khush Raho.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

    • LOVE MAIN FAIL HONE PAR: 
    • Maa: Beta Bhool ja usko.
    • Papa: Mard ban.
    • Dost: Chal Daaru Peete hai.

    • MORAL OF THE STORY:
    • Duniya badal jaati hai par DOST kabhi bhie nahin badalte... Cheers to all.


    • Market Fluctuations!!!
    • I was standing in a small queue. There was a laday of Japanese descent in front of me she was there to exchange Yen for Dollars. She was a little irritated.

    • She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunad dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunad ninty? Why it change?"


    • The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations!"

    • The Japanese lady said, "Fluc you white people, too!"
    • COMMUNITIES   
    • Rhyming Couplet
    • A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

    • Here are some of the best enteries:

    • My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
    • Marrying you messed up my life.

    • I see your face when I am dreaming.
    • That's why I always wake up screaming.

    • Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    • everything you are not.

    • I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
    • Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    • My feelings for you, no words can tell,
    • Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

    • What inspired this amazing rhyme?
    • A bottle of tequila, one part lime !
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Senior Texting Shortcuts!
    • Young people have often resorted to shortcuts when texting. Now seniors have their own texting codes:

    • ATD - At the Doctor's

    • BFF - Best Friends Funeral

    • BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

    • BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

    • CBM - Covered by Medicare

    • CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

    • DWI - Driving While Incontinent

    • FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

    • GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

    • GHA - Got Heartburn Again

    • HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

    • LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

    • LOL - Living on Lipitor

    • OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

    • TOT - Texting on Toilet

    • WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

    • Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Husband's Note for his Wife
    • The Fifa World Cup is close by. Let me give you a few rules that will preserve your beauty.

    • 1. The remote control belongs to me for the whole month.

    • 2. Tell all your friends not to givev birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won't go.

    • 3. No talking during the game, wait for half-time or end of the game.

    • 4. Repeats & highlights are as good as the main match, so am gonna watch them too.

    • 5. We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in Brazil.

    • 6. You don't just pass infront of the TV if am watching soccer, you better crawl on the floor.

    • 7. Make sure you don't ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England?

    • 8. No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer.

    • 9. There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo's looks. Professinalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC.

    • 10. If you miss the line up please dont ask, 'Who's that guy?'

    • 11. Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related, India and Pakistan did not qualify, so please no stupid questions.


    • Self-Goal by Sony Six: Twitter jokes on John Abraham
    • The Indian media as well as social media is buzzing with complaints about John Abraham and Gaurav Kapoor's presence in the Sony Six studio for the FIFA World Cup pre-game show, Cafe Rio. Here are some of the funniest reactions on social media: 

    • The world sends actual players to the World Cup. India, home to 1 billion people, sends Gaurav Kapoor and John Abraham as commentators.

    • Gaurav Kapoor hosting FIFA World and JohnAbraham as football pundit!!What next?? Sidhu as Cheerleader doing samba???

    • Does India deserve to be 154th in FIFA rankings? If John Abraham is the best you can get for the WorldCup pre-match show, then YES!

    • India's football expert - John Abraham India's football rank - 154 Jago India Jago.

    • Please show Gaurav Kapoor a red card.

    • What wrong have we done to deserve watching Gaurav Kapoor & John Abraham talk football at 2AM?

    • Gaurav Kapoor wasting time & energy on the show while Samir Kocchar has already reached the stadium & selling Chana, Moongfali & Paani Pouch.

    • Not looking good for Gaurav kapoor, any time siddhu will appear out of nowhere and shout "khatak" in his ears.

    • Just emailed a clip from last night's SonySix` Cafe Rio to FIFA. Hopefully they will ban the show!

    • When you don't understand the difference between IPL and World Cup football Cafe Rio happens! 

    • IPL and WC are temporary, Gaurav Kapoor is permanent.

    • Gaurav Kapoor I don't think we have a casting couch in India, otherwise why something like Gaurav was sent.

    • Gaurav Kapoor never trended during the entire IPL7 season, but he trended on the very 1st day of World Cup.

    • That awkward moment when you prefer DD sports to the Sony Six for live telecast of the match because John and Gaurav.

    • I agree Indians are not much passionate about FIFA as much as other countries. But that doesn't mean that Gaurav Kapoor will host anything - Omar Abdullah

    • Gaurav Kapur & John Abraham on Cafe Rio is like Robert Vadra & Rahul Gandhi discussing economics! still shocked.

    • Damn!!! Gaurav missing Sidhus laughter track on his dumb jokes.

    • After seeing John Abraham and Gaurav Kapoor football has been renamed as "footLOL"

    • Gaurav Kapoor makes as much sense while talking about football as Shakti Kapoor makes while talking about feminism.

    • Cafe Rio is the worst thing to happen to the Football since John Abraham's film Goal.

    • John abrahim World Cup panel cause he did Movie Goal. Waiting for SRK to be on panel of Next NASA launch cause he did Swades.
    • FUNNY   
    • Different Wavelengths
    • The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

    • Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

    • I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

    • My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Fortune Teller
    • In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    • Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    • She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    • She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
    • FUNNY   
    • What Causes Depression?
    • What Causes Depression? Men vs Women

    • Reasons for Depression in Men

    • Business Slow Chal raha hai...
    • Payment Time pe nahin aa rahi hai..
    • Telephone/Light ka bill bharna hai...
    • Gharwali ko Anniversary pe Gold leke dena hai...
    • Family ki baaki demands bhi poori karni hai....

    • Reasons for Depression in Women
    • Tailor se dress mangwana hai...
    • TV pe jo Loreal ki nayi Lipstick dikhayi hai, Aaj sham Market mein Uski enquiry karni hai...
    • Kitty friends ko apni nayi Fossil watch dikhani hai...
    • Mall mein 50% Off Sale lagi hui hai, shopping ko jana hai...
    • Bachcho ka Open Day hai....Uffff koi dress he nahin samajh mein aa rahi hai...
    • Nanad se phone pe baat karni hai...
    • Tupperware wali ko aaj ghar pe bulana hai...
    • Bete ki result aaya hai(46%), kaamwali bai ke liye ek kilo mix mithai mangani hai...
    • Aaj na jaane Pankhudi ka kya hoga...
    • Raat ko baahar se kya mangaoon khane ke liye...
    • Ye mobile ki battery bhi jaldi jaldi down ho jaati hai, main kisi se zyada baat bhi nahin karti...
    • Yeh Landline ka bill 2560/kyun aaya hoga? 
    • Ye Deepika/Alia/Kareena/Katrina itni over acting kyun karti hain? 
    • Kal mandir kya pehen ke jaoongi? 
    • Profile Pic. change kiye 15 minute ho gaye hain.... abhi tak ek bhi like ya comment kyun nahi aaya hai.



    • Presence of Mind
    • Check your presence of mind. Take the test.

    • Relax, clear your mind and begin, what's the 1st answer that comes to your mind???

    • Question 1. What do you put in a toaster?
    • Answer: Bread. If you said Toast, give up now and do something else... Try not to hurt yourself. If you said bread, go to Question 2.

    • Question 2. Say 'Silk' five times. Now spell 'Silk.' What do cows drink?
    • Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'Milk,' don't attempt the next question.
    • Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself by reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'Water,' proceed to question 3...

    • Question 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
    • Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'Green Bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these??? If you said 'Glass,' go on to Question 4.

    • Question 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane crashes from 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into East and West Germany) Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, 'No man's land'???
    • Answer: You don't bury survivors!!! If you said ANYTHING else, you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors,' proceed to the next question.

    • Question 5. Please don't use a calculator - You are driving a bus from Mumbai to Pune. In Mumbai , 17 people get on, in Pune, 16 get off. Name the driver. Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Triple Filter Test!!!
    • In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in the highest esteem.

    • One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"

    • "Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

    • "Triple filter?"

    • "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is absolutely true?"

    • "No," the man said, "I actually just heard about it and..."

    • "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

    • "No, on the contrary..."

    • "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

    • "No, not really."

    • "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

    • This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that his best friend was having a secret affair with his wife.
    • FUNNY   
    • How to Outsmart the Jinn...
    • Ek Pakistani, American aur Indian ek ship mein ja rahe the.

    • Achaanak ek Jinn aaya aur bola: Samundar mein koi cheez phenko, agar maine dhoondh li to main tumhein maar dunga aur na dhoondh paya to main tumhara Gulam.

    • Pakistani ne sui phenki. Jinn ne dhoondh li aur use maar diya.

    • American ne memory card phenk diya lekin Jinn ne vo bhi dhoondh liya aur use bhi maar diya.

    • Indian ne kuchh phenka...

    • Ginn ne bohut dhoondha... dhoondh dhoondh ke thak gaya aur leki usko kuch mila nahin. Pareshaan ho kar us ne pucha: Batao mere aaka main haar gaya."

    • How Zodiac Signs Begin a Prayer!
    • ARIES: Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!

    • TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

    • GEMINI: Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!

    • CANCER: Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners.

    • LEO: Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!

    • VIRGO:Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time.

    • LIBRA:Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?

    • SCORPIO: Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it.

    • SAGITTARIUS:OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES - HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!

    • CAPRICORN: Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway.

    • AQUARIUS: Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!

    • PISCES: Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory.
    • FUNNY   
    • You are ABCDEF...
    • After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

    • The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."

    • "What does that mean?" She asked.

    • "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.

    • Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"

    • He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Rules for Men!
    • The untold rules for Men:
    • 1. The female always makes the rules.

    • 2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

    • 3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

    • 4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

    • 5. The female is never wrong.

    • 6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

    • 7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

    • 8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

    • 9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

    • 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

    • 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

    • 12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Achcha Aur Bura...
    • Life mein 2 baatein hamesha yaad rakhna...

    • Pehli Baat:
    • Har insaan itna bura nahin hota, jitna "PAN Card" Aur "Aadhar Card" mein dikhta hai,
    • Aur itna achcha bhi nahin hota, jitna "Facebook" aur "Whatsapp" pe dikhta hai.

    • Dusri Baat:
    • Har insaan itna bura nahin hota, jitna uski "Biwi" & "GF" usko samajhti hai,
    • Aur itna achcha bhi nahin hota, Jitna uski "Maa" usko samjhti hai.


    • Where's the Ladies Room?
    • It was very crowded and noisy in this Restaurant and this blonde girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.

    • And he says, "I can't hear you!"

    • So she gets close to his ear and asks again, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?"

    • And he replies, "On the other side!"

    • So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!"
    • BLONDES   
    • The Puri Family
    • College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin apna naam likhna tha.

    • Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.

    • College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam?

    • Student: Ji Janak Puri.

    • College Clerk: Achcha Dadaji ka naam?

    • Student: Trilok Puri.

    • College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maa ka naam bhi bata do.

    • Student: Maya Puri.

    • College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhaari admission ke liye.

    • Student: Ji mera bara bhai hai yeh.

    • College Clerk: Aapka naam?

    • Bhai: Govind Puri!
    • HINGLISH   
    • The Old Typewriter
    • The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

    • "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

    • "Well, what does it do?" they queried.

    • "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

    • "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool. But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

    • "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

    • "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

    • "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

    • "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
    • FUNNY   
    • PE Teacher!
    • A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.

    • She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

    • "Are you ok?" she asks.

    • "Yes," he replies. "You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.

    • "It's best I stay here," he says.

    • "Why's that, sweetie?" asks the blonde.

    • The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the GOAL KEEPER !"


    • The New Hindi Lingo
    • CRICKET: Gol guttam lakad battam de danadan pratiyogita.

    • CRICKET TEST MATCH: Pakad dandu, maar mandu, de danaadan pratiyogita.

    • TABLE TENNIS: Lakdi ke phalak shetra pe le takaatak de takaatak.

    • LAWN TENNIS: Harit Ghaas par le tada tad, de tada tad.

    • LIGHT BULB: Vidyut Prakashak Kanch golak.

    • TIE: Kanth Langoti.

    • MATCH BOX: Ragdampatti Agni Utpaadan Peti.

    • TRAFFIC SIGNAL: Aavat Jaavat Suchak Jhandaa.

    • TEA: Dugdh Jal Mishrit Sharkara Yukt Parvatiya(pahaadi) Booti.

    • TRAIN: Sahasra Chakra Louh Path Gaamini.

    • ALL ROUTE PASS: Yatr Tatr Sarvatr Gaman Aagya Patr.

    • RAILWAY SIGNAL: Loh Path Gamini Suchak Yantra.

    • RAILWAY SIGNAL: Agni Rath Aava Gaman Soochak Pattika.

    • RAILWAY SIGNAL: Louh path gaamini aawagaman suchak yantra.

    • RAILWAY STATION: Bhabhka Adda.

    • BUTTON: Ast Vyast Vastra Niyantrak.

    • MOSQUITO: Gunjanhaari Manav Rakt Pipasu Jeev.

    • CIGARETTE: Shweta patra mandit dhumra shalakha.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Santa in Trouble!
    • Banta noticed that Santa was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.

    • "Well," said Santa, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

    • "What kind of question?" asked Banta.

    • "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

    • "That's easy," said Banta. "You just say 'Of course I will'."

    • "Yeah," said Santa, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Your Sign Says It All: Drinking Habit's Decoded!
    • ARIES: Can get super loud and rude after drinking.... can create a scene.

    • Taurus: These are generally graceful peopleeven after drinking a lot... they never misbehave.

    • Gemini: May drink a lot and may not talk a lot... they like to hv a good time though like they may sing loudly whn drunk.

    • Cancer: They can drink very fast.... may instigate others to drink as well. Forget when to stop.

    • Virgo: Are moderate drinkers.... never lose control... but they can be very funny when drunk.

    • Libra: They go all crazy when drunk. Although they will never overstep their mark.... always in control.

    • Scorpio: Can get very nasty when drunk... be careful of a drunk scorpio.... difficult to control one.

    • Leo: They will drink more if you stop them. Are most likely to participate in drinking competitions.

    • Sagitarius: They are heavy drinkers... they always know how much they can handle.... get very hyper and talkative after drinking.

    • Capricorn: They are moderate drinkers who really knw how to have fun. May get super naughty when drunk.

    • Pisces: They are knock out drinkers but only with best pals....can vomit after getting very drunk.

    • Aquarius: Can drink a lot and not get drunk at the same time. But once they are drunk they will go on laughing and blabbering.
    • FUNNY   
    • Today's Excuse to Drink!
    • Monday Night:
    • Wife: Aaj tum daaru peeke aaye ho! Kyun?
    • Husband: Arre aaj office main foreign clients ke saath meeting thi to peeni padi.

    • Tuesday Night:
    • Wife: Aaj tum fir daaru pee ke aaye ho ! Kyun?
    • Husband: Arre aaj mere ek friend ki engagement thi toh usne party di isliye.

    • Wednesday Night:
    • Wife: Aaj bhi tum peeke aaye ho...
    • Husband: Aaj ek friend ka breakup ho gaya... wo bahut udaas tha toh uska mood fresh karne ke liye...

    • Thursday Night:
    • Wife: Aaj fir se... Ab kiska breakup ho gaya?
    • Husband: Breakup nahi.... Aaj Office mai work load tha... bahut tension thi.... isliye.

    • Friday Night:
    • Wife: Aaj kyun?
    • Husband: Jis friend ki engagement thi na Tuesday ko, Aaj uski shaadi thi... toh khushi ke mauke pe toh peeni banti hai.

    • Saturday Night:
    • Wife: hmmm... Ab?
    • Husband: Aaj purane school friends mil gaye the toh wo disco le gaye aur zabardasti pila di... maine bahut mana bhi kiya par maane nahi...

    • Sunday Night:
    • Wife (gusse se): Ab Aaj kya ho gaya?
    • Husband: AADMI EK DIN BHI APNI MARZI SE NAHI PI SAKTA HAI KYA 


    • Stop Fooling Around !
    • A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous. Every time the door opens he jumps. Every time there is a noise he cringes.

    • The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks, "What's the matter with you?"

    • "Well I received a letter today that said if I didn't stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me."

    • For heaven's sake, Why don't you just stop fooling around with his wife?"

    • Came the reply, "I would but he didn't sign his name!!"
    • BAR   
    • First PITCH !!!
    • President Obama and Michelle are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them.

    • One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.

    • Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

    • The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!"

    • So, Barack shrugs and says, "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

    • He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming & swearing. The crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

    • Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

    • Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

    • The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!!!"
    • CELEBRITIES   
    • Message Delivered!!!
    • Husband sent a text to his wife at night, "Hi Honey! I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

    • After a while he sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car."

    • She text back, "OMG really?"

    • Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Weak Conscience!
    • Mulla Nasruddin called on a psychiatrist and told him that he had problems and needed help.

    • "I want to talk to you," said the Mulla, "because my ethics have not been what they should be and my conscience is bothering me."

    • "I understand," the psychiatrist said, "and you want me to help you build up a stronger will power, is that it?"

    • "NO," said Nasruddin, "THAT'S NOT IT. I WANT YOU TO TRY TO WEAKEN MY CONSCIENCE."


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