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  • Sabki Pasand Nirma
  • Washing powder Nirma....

  • Washing powder Nirma....

  • Doodh si safedi Nirma se Aaye.....

  • Rangeen kapde bhi Khil khil jaaye...

  • Sabki pasand Nirma....

  • Washing powder Nirma...

  • Kuch bhi Post karo, log padhte zarur hain.... Woh bhi tune ke saath
  • HINGLISH   
  • Never Say 'NO'
  • A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

  • Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

  • Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

  • The clerk smiled and said, "Rain..."
  • FUNNY   
  • Defective Laptop!
  • Ek ladki ne new laptop liya...

  • Sham ko, gusse mein bhadkti hui, vapis aai aur dukan wale se boli: Ye lappy bekar hai, ismein purane PC ki file paste nahi ho rahi hai.

  • Shopkeepr: Not possible! Ye latest laptop he aur ismein aisa ho hi nahi sakta. Ap jara batayengi ke kaise kiya aap ne copy and paste ?

  • Ladki shop keeper ko ghar le gai, apne computer ko on kiya mouse se right click kar ke file copy ki fir PC se mouse nikal ke laptop me lagaya, aur right click kar ke boli: Dekho paste ka option kahna hai ?

  • Shopkeeper on the spot be-hosh...
  • HINGLISH   
  • Animals` FB Status
  • If animals have Facebook..... these are most likely to be their Status Updates!

  • Cockroach: Managed to skip from some one's foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!

  • Cat: My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her? I don't even remember... Mosquito: I am HIV positive... this is all due to wrong sucking.

  • Pig: Oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu...WTF!!!

  • Chicken: If tomorrow there's no status update from my side, means I'm being served at KFC.


  • I'm the Best!
  • I m the best. I can prove it.
  • I can put Coffee in coffee cup. Can you put world in World Cup?

  • OK one more:
  • I can send my address on your mobile. Can you send your mobile on my address?

  • Nahin na... Ok Ok... One last one
  • I can eat Cream biscuits with Cream. Can you eat Tiger biscuits with Tiger?
  • Kaha na, only I'm the best...
  • HINGLISH   
  • Overloaded with Work?
  • If you feel overloaded with Work...

  • Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center and place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes:

  • 1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)

  • 2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)

  • 3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

  • 4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)

  • This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)
  • BAR   
  • Visiting Charges!
  • Santa: Doctor ke paas gaya aur bola ghar jaane ki kitne fees lete hain aap??

  • Doctor: 300 rupees.

  • Santa: Theek hai doctor ji, chaliye phir.

  • Doctor ne apna bag liya, bike nikali aur Santa ko le kar Santa ke ghar pahunch gaye.

  • Doctor bola: Mareez kahan hai ??

  • Santa: Yahan koi mareez nahi hai doctor ji, darasal baat yeh hai ki taxi wala 500 maang raha tha aur aapne 300 mein le aaye...
  • HINGLISH   
  • Rush Hour!!!
  • It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.

  • I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was more than ample room in the back.

  • Then.... the bus driver took over.

  • "Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front."


  • Santa's Railway Interview..
  • Santa ka Railway Interview:

  • Interviewer: Agar do gaadiyan ek line pe aa gayi toh kya karoge?

  • Santa: Jee, red light dikhaunga.

  • Interviewer: Red light na hoto?

  • Santa: Torch dikhaunga...






    • Interviewer: Torch na ho toh?

    • Santa: Apni red shirt utaar kar dikhaunga.

    • Interviewer: Shirt bhi red na huyi toh?

    • Santa: Phir main apne bua ke ladke ko bulaunga...

    • Interviewer: Hain..!! Wo kyun?

    • Santa: Jee, usne kabhi traino accident nahin dekha...
    • HINGLISH  289
    • First Hearing Aids!
    • A woman came storming at the Postal counter.

    • She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, "This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?"

    • The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady.

    • Then just casually he asked, "Ma'am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?"

    • The lady replied, "My husband's first new hearing aids."
    • FUNNY  30
    • Military Genealogy!!!
    • Subedaar Deedar singh from the armoured corps had one desire that he has a stable of boys who would all join his regiment and get that honour for him and the family just like he had done.

    • So when the first born arrived, he didn't heed to his mother asking him to conduct the naamkarn ceremony and announced his child to be christened "Leftaan Singh" (Lieutenant Singh)... after all, he was the first in the heirarchy!

    • When the next son came, he coughed and announced "Kaptaan (Captain) Singh."

    • Thus began the saga of ritual home grown promotions, till he had Major Singh, Karnail (Colonel) Singh, Bargader (Brigadier) Singh and finally Jarnail (General) Singh.

    • Sache Patshaah, in his benevolence had been magnanimous and he could rest now, but then arrived a beautiful baby girl. Subedaar sahab was stumped and paced up and down to figure out an appropriate name. His wife, seeing his frustration, called out, "Gal suno, biba da nau ARMAD KAUR na rakhh daiye???"
    • HINGLISH  23
    • I acted with Katharine Hepburn
    • Hollywood actor Christopher Reeve made a reply one night to host James Lipton on the Bravo TV program "Inside the Actor's Studio".

    • When Reeve was asked what it was liked to have acted with Katharine Hepburn, he delighted the audience with his reply:

    • "People say I acted with Katharine Hepburn.
    • The truth is I acted near Katharine Hepburn."


    • My Cheating Wife...
    • A letter from a guy to Agony Aunt:

    • Dear Abby,
    • I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

    • The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

    • I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

    • I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

    • Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

    • It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer ???
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Unsecured Connection!
    • Ek ladki roz jab college se ghar ati to ek ladke ko apne ghar ke bahar khada dekhti.

    • Aisa roz hota tha, even pura 1 saal beet gaya. Aur wo ladka roz us ko apne ghar ke samne nazar aata.

    • Wo kuch nahi kehta tha bas chup chaap kabhi agey pechay aur kabhi apne mobile phone ko dekhta.

    • Ladki ko yaqeen hone laga ki ladka usko chahta hai.

    • Ek din ladki himmat kar ke us ke pass gayi aur pucha, "Tum roz aise mere ghar ke bahar kyun khade hote ho ??

    • Ladka ghabra gaya aur foran bola, "Maaf karna bahen actually tumhare Wifi pe password nahi laga hua wo use karne aata hun...."
    • HINGLISH   
    • Back from the Grave!
    • After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

    • "If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

    • So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

    • Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

    • A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

    • "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

    • "Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

    • The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Date with Destiny!
    • One day death came to a Guy and said, "Hey, today is your last day."

    • Guy, "But I'm not ready!"

    • Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

    • Guy, "Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?"

    • Death, "All right."

    • The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!

    • When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list.


    • A Little Late!
    • For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 AM on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late.

    • Consequently, when on one particular day 9 AM passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor.

    • Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent.

    • He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."

    • And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
    • MILITARY  12
    • Dangerous Dosti!
    • Main ghar late aaya toh Dad ne Pucha: "Where were you?"

    • Maine kaha: "Friend ke Ghar par tha."

    • Dad ne Mere hi saamne mere 10 friends ko call kiya.

    • 4 ne Kaha: "Haan Uncle, Yahin par tha."

    • 2 ne Kaha: "Abhi Just Nikla hai."

    • 3 ne Kaha: "Yahin hai Uncle, Padh Raha hai, baat karwaun Kya?"

    • 1 ne toh hadd hi Kar di, kaha, "Haan Papa bolo kya hua"!

    • PITWA DIYA SAALON NE !!!
    • HINGLISH  495
    • Essay on Ishant Sharma
    • 1. Ishant Sharma is God's answer to BCCI's wrongdoings.

    • 2. Newton's 3rd law modified: For every N Srinivasan, there is an equal and opposite Ishant Sharma.

    • 3. Dear Dhoni, Ishant Sharma ko OLX pe bech de.

    • 4. Ishant Sharma makes people miss Ashish Nehra.

    • 5. Dhoni would have bowled better than Ishant Sharma. In fact, even Duncan Fletcher would have.

    • 6. It wasn't Faulkner, it wasn't Voges. Australia's match winner tonight was Ishant Sharma.

    • 7. If ever there was an Orange Cap award for bowlers, Ishant Sharma would win it hands down.

    • 8. Ajit Agarkar would be having second thoughts on his retirement after looking at Ishant Sharma bowl.

    • 9. Restaurants to rename 'unlimited' offer packages to 'Ishant Sharma' packages.

    • 10. Ishant Sharma should be called Lord Ishant Sharma henceforth.

    • 11. Ishant Sharma doesn't like to cut his hair because he wants to hide his face when bowlers thrash him around the park.

    • 12. BCCI should consider giving Ishant Shamra voluntary retirement.

    • 13. When Ishant Sharma bowls, it's a working holiday for all fielders. Of course, the spectators are the real fielders.

    • 14. Ishant Sharma doesn't need a towel to indicate that he's giving away runs.

    • 15. Colors to give Ishant Sharma a wild card entry to Big Boss season7.

    • 16. Abey Kuruvilla can bowl better than Ishant Sharma.

    • 17. Dhoni isn't India's greatest finisher, Ishant Sharma is.

    • 18. Ishant Sharma has the ability to overshadow Sir Ravindra Jadeja.

    • 19. At this rate, Ishant Sharma would end up with the most number of centuries (with the ball) for India in ODIs.

    • 20. LOL is Ishant Sharma's middle name.
    • SPORTS  228
    • The Real Lover!
    • Once 3 boys proposed the same girl! 

    • 1st: Main tumhare liye apni jaan bhi de sakta hun.

    • Girl: Woh toh sab kehte hain.

    • 2nd Guy: Main tumhare liye chaand tare tod kar la sakta hun.

    • Girl: Nothing special, bahut purana dialogue hai.

    • 3rd Guy: Main tumhe apna Facebook ka pasword tak de sakta hun. Yahan tak ki apna facebook account delete bhi kar sakta hun.

    • Girl, Ankhon main ansu ke sath: Pagal itna chahta hai mujhe ? I Love You Too!!!

    • Doston, Facebook Badi Cheeaz Hai.



    • Wild Life Photography
    • Jeeto, ek dum khush ho ke: Kya baat hai Jee, aaj toh meri Photo-Pe-Photo kheenche ja rahe ho?

    • Santa: Bas aise hi... dil kar raha hai.

    • Jeeto: Kya mein itni hot and smart lag rahi hun aaj?

    • Sata: Arre kuchh nahin pagli, aaj mere sarr pe Wild Life Photography ka bhoot sawaar Hai...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Fussy Wife
    • Banta had been arrested and was now up before the judge.

    • The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop 3 times?"

    • "Yes," replies Banta.

    • "Could you please tell the court what you stole." asks the judge.

    • "I stole a dress, your honour," replies Banta.

    • "Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in 3 times," says the judge.

    • "Yes I did, your honour," says Banta, "but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before."

    • "Return the dress? Why? I don't understand," says the judge.

    • "Because my wife Preeto didn't like the design, your honour."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Swarg ki Entry
    • 1st Aadmi : Bhagwan main doctor hoon aur maine logo ki bahot sewa ki hai mujhe swarg mein aane do.

    • Bhawan: Nahi tum andar nahi aa sakte.

    • 2nd Aadmi: Bhagwan main Brahmin hoon aur maine sari zindagi aapki pooja ki hai mujhe swarg mein aane do.

    • Bhagwan : Nahi tum bhi andar nahi aa sakte.

    • 3rd Aadmi: Prabhu main shaadi shuda hoon.

    • Bhagwaan: Bas kar pagle rulayega kya, chal andar swarg mein aaja.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Lawaris Bandar!
    • Banta ko ek Lawaris bandar Mila. Woh us bandar ko Police Station le gaya aur pucha ki iska kya karun?

    • Inspector ne kaha Isko Zoo le jao.

    • Next day Inspector ne Banta ko Bandar k saath bus stop per dekha.

    • Inspector: Arre tum isko Zoo nahi le kar gaye..??

    • Banta: Kal gaye the Sir, khub ghoome, bada maza aaya... Aaj Qutub minar jaa rahe hai... Phir India Gate jayenge.


    • Obama's New Health Care Plan
    • Virtually every professional discipline within the American Medical Association's membership has decided to weigh in on the new health care plan being developed by President Obama's team, with varying thoughts and recommendations.

    • The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    • The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    • The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

    • Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

    • Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

    • The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    • Surgeons decided to totally wash their hands of the whole thing.

    • The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

    • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    • The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, while the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "No!"

    • In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington!
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Baba Ji Ka Thullu!
    • Gutthi - Cricket
    • Cricket - Match
    • Match - Team
    • Team - India
    • India - Australia
    • Australia - Bada Score
    • Bada Score - India
    • India - Aasan Jeet
    • Asaan Jeet - Khushi
    • Khushi - Sidhu Pajji
    • Sidhu Pajji - Thoko Taali
    • Australia Ne Samjha India ko Ullu
    • Australia Ne Samjha India ko Ullu
    • .
    • ..
    • ...
    • 359 runs bana ke bhi kya mila - BABAJI KA THULLU!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Marriage vs Love
    • Love is holding hands in the street,
    • Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

    • Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant,
    • Marriage is a take home packet.

    • Love is watching movie on a sofa,
    • Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

    • Love is talking about having children,
    • Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

    • Love is going to bed early,
    • Marriage is going to sleep early.

    • Love is losing your appetite,
    • Marriage is losing your figure.

    • TV has no place in love,
    • Marriage is a fight for remote control.

    • Love is 1 drink and 2 straws,
    • Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough !"

    • Conclusion: Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Let there be light
    • Ek gaon me bijli aane waali thi. Wahan ke sabhi log khush the...

    • Bijli aane ki khushi mein sab gaon waale jhum rahe the, nach rahe the, gaa rahe the, celebrations chal rahi thi...

    • Wahin ek kutta bhi jhum-jhum ke nach raha tha... enjoy kar raha tha ann bada hi khush tha.

    • Gaon ke ek admi ne kutte se puchha, "Are bhai tun kyo nach raha hai ?

    • Kutta bola, "Bijli ayegi to khambe bhi to lagenge..



    • Near Fatal Accident!
    • Husband calls his wife....

    • Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.

    • Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.

    • "I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."

    • Wife, "Who is Susan?"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Busy Husband!
    • Wife calls hubby...

    • Wife: Kahan per ho, kyaya kar rahe ho?

    • Hubby: O yaar, kuch mat pucho, bura haal hai. Office mein hoon, bahut jyada busy hoon, kaam hi hi kaam hai, saans lene ki bhi phursat nahin hai. Aur tum batao, kya kar rahi ho, bachche kya kar rahe hain?

    • Wife: KFC mein tumhare peeche bachchon ke saath bethi hun aur bachche pooch rahe hain ki papa ke saath kaun nai BUA bethi hain?
    • HINGLISH   
    • To Tuck or Not to Tuck ?
    • Murphy asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

    • "You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

    • He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.

    • "All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me," said Paddy. It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

    • "I got it in church," he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.

    • "My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!"
    • FUNNY   
    • The Confessional!
    • At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.

    • One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

    • The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get in the confessional," which Joe did.

    • Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said, "I can't hear you."

    • Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any of the offering?"

    • Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

    • This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

    • Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

    • By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

    • So they traded places and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

    • To which the priest answered, "By Golly you can't hear in here!


    • Communication Gap!
    • A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    • She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    • "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    • "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

    • "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

    • "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    • He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    • "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    • "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    • "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

    • "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    • "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

    • Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

    • "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
    • MARRIAGE  21
    • Upset Girlfriend
    • A guy got stuck on a Rs. 1 crore question.

    • He uses phone-a-friend helpline, and chooses his girlfriend to ask the answer.

    • Amitabh Bachchan: Girlfriend ji, Namashkaar, mein Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hun KBC se. Abhi aapke mitra aap se ek prashan puchenge aur aap ko sirf 30 seconds mein us prashan ka uttar dene hai. Aapka samay shuru hota hai ab...

    • Boy reads out the question and the 4 options.

    • Girl: Mil gaya time tumhe phone karne ka ? Mujhe tumse koi baat nahi karni !!! Byeeeee....
    • HINGLISH  67
    • Mindset of Indian Cricketers
    • Sourav Ganguly: Do or Die.

    • Virender Sehwag: Do before you die.

    • Rahul Dravid: Do until they die.

    • Sachin Tendulkar: Do that will never die.

    • VVS Laxman: Do when everyone else dies.

    • Yuvraj Singh: Do, die, reborn, do, die, reborn (repeat)....

    • Rohit Sharma: Die before you do.

    • Finally...

    • Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Do everything before luck dies.
    • SPORTS  214
    • Euro-English Humor
    • The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    • As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    • In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    • There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    • In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    • Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    • By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    • During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    • Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



    • When you are Drunk...
    • Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
    • 1. Innovative
    • 2. Preliminary 
    • 3. Anaesthetist
    • 4. Cinnamon
    • 5. Chrysanthemum

    • Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
    • 1. Specificity
    • 2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
    • 3. Anti-constitutionalistically
    • 4. Transubstantiate
    • 5. Sphygmomanometer

    • Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:
    • 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    • 2. Nope, no more booze for me.
    • 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    • 4. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    • 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    • 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    • 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    • 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
    • 9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
    • 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
    • BAR  42
    • Please Take Care of Yourself
    • Husband: Dubai ja raha hun...
    • Wife: Mere liye jewellery lana...

    • Husband: Paris ja raha hun....
    • Wife: Mere liye cosmetics lana...

    • Husband: London ja raha hun...
    • Wife: Perfumes leke aana...

    • Husband: Narak mein ja raha hun...
    • Wife: Bhagwan ka diya sub kuch hai... bas tum apna khyal rakhna..!!!
    • HINGLISH  232
    • What's the Price?
    • A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

    • Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    • As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    • Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

    • Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

    • He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
    • FUNNY  25
    • Who Started It?
    • Santa aur uski wife Jeeto mein jhagda hua toh Jeeto ne apni maa ko phone kiya, "Maa mera un se jhagda ho gaya hai. Main 1 month ke liye aap ke paas aa rahi hun."

    • Jeeto's mother, "Jhagda kis ne start kiya??????"

    • Jeeto, "Unho ne."

    • Jeeto's mother: "Jhagda us kambakhat ne kiya hai saza bhi ushe hi milni chahiye. Tum wahi thehro main aa rahi hun 3 Month k liye."


    • Second appendix!
    • Santa calls up the doc at 2 AM. "Doc, my wife is having severe abdomen pain. I think it's her appendix."

    • "What nonsense!" says the doc sleepily.

    • "I took out your wife's appendix two years ago. Go back to sleep."

    • Five minutes later, the phone rings and it's Santa again.

    • "Doc, I'm sure it's her appendix."

    • "Oh God!" the doctor groaned.

    • "Did you ever hear of anyone having a second appendix?"

    • "No...," says Santa. "But I'm sure you must have heard of someone having a second wife..!!!!"
    • SANTABANTA  159
    • Wife!!!
    • Pehle main bahut dukhi rehta tha. Hamesha rota rehta tha. Mujhse kaam nahin ho pata tha. Gharwalon ke taane sun ke ro diya karta tha. Phir maine is naye product ke baare mein suna, jiska naam tha !!!...WIFE...!!!

    • Ye 'Wife' vakai lajwaab hai.

    • Ab mein apni puri neend 2-3 ghante mein hi puri kar leta hun.

    • Duniya bhar ke taane aur gaaliyaan hass hass ke sun leta hun.

    • Kitni bhi musibat aaye khush rehta hun.

    • Dukh-Sukh ki tensions se upar uth gaya hun.

    • Swarg-Narak, sab yahin hain, ab ye bhi samaj aa gaya hai.

    • Ab toh dushmanon se pyaar ho gaya hai.

    • Sach mein, ye 'WIFE ' vakai asardaar hai. Always keep your wife's picture as mobile screensaver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say. If I can handle this, I can handle anything!
    • HINGLISH  123
    • Who Needs to Laugh?
    • The CEO returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up on Friday.

    • Everybody, laughed uproariously except on girl.

    • What's the matter? Grumbled the boss. Haven't you got a sense of humour?

    • I don't have to laugh, she replied. I'm leaving on Friday.
    • FUNNY  29
    • Premature Birth???
    • Banta ki shaadi ke 3 mahine baad hi beta ho gaya.

    • Banta: Ye hamara bachcha 3 mahine baad kaise ho gaya? Aur logon ka toh 9 mahine baad hota hai?

    • Biwi: Aaap bhi na.., Ye batao aapki shaadi ko kitna time hua hai?

    • Banta: 3 Mahine.

    • Biwi: Aur meri shaadi ko?

    • Banta: 3 Mahine.

    • Biwi: Aur hamara bachcha kitne time baad hua?

    • Banta: 3 Mahine baad.

    • Biwi: Total kitne months ho gaye?

    • Banta Khushi Se: Oh... shit yaar, SAMAY ka pata hi nahi chala... Sorry Janu maine tum par shaq kiya.

    • Biwi: Please, aisa mat bolo ji, Rulaoge Kya.


    • Which Gender is More Happy?
    • Boys are always Happy Creatures... WHY?

    • 1. Their last name stays with them forever.

    • 2. Phone conversations last just for 30 secs flat.

    • 3. A five day vacation requires only one jeans.

    • 4. If someone forgets to invite them, he can still be their friend.

    • 5. The same hairstyle lasts for years or even decades.

    • 6. They can do shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.

    • 7. They don't freak out when they go to a party and see another man wearing the same shirt, instead they become buddies...
    • FUNNY  73
    • Anger Management!
    • 1st Friend: Yaar meri biwi bahut gussa karti hai.

    • 2nd Friend: ehle meri biwi bhi kaafi gussa kiya karti thi par ab bikul nahin karti.

    • 1st Friend: Arey yaar please mujhe bhi batao ki tumne aisa kya kiya jo bhabhi ji itna shaant ho gayi?

    • 2nd Friend: Ek din gusse mein thi toh maine keh diya ki, 'Budhaape mein gussa aa hi jata hai.' Bas woh din tha aur aaj ka din hai, tez Awaaz mein bhi baat nahi karti!
    • HINGLISH  91
    • Simple Explanation!
    • The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    • "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

    • "What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?

    • Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

    • "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

    • Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

    • "I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
    • MARRIAGE  51
    • Boss is Always Right!
    • Boss: There are 50 bricks on an aeroplane. If you drop 1 outside. How many are left?
    • Employee: That's easy, 49.

    • Boss: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
    • Employee: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

    • Boss: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
    • Employee: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

    • Boss: It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?
    • Employee: Because the deer is in the fridge.

    • Boss: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
    • Employee: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

    • Boss: Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
    • Employee: Ere.... I guess she drowned.... errr...

    • Boss: No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the aeroplane. Thats the problem, you are not focused on your job.... You may leave now! 

    • Moral: No matter how much you know or how much you are prepared. If your Boss has decided to screw you then you are surely screwed.


    • A Jealous Husband
    • A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

    • A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

    • Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

    • He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

    • He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

    • "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

    • The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

    • The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Salary Hike!
    • Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

    • Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

    • Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious Firm for over ten years.

    • Boss: Yes.

    • Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

    • Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

    • Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

    • Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

    • Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

    • Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

    • Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company And the Mortgage Company!
    • FUNNY   
    • Dorothy Parker
    • In the 1920s, Dorothy Parker was establishing a reputation as a witty woman with a sharp tongue (the actress Mrs. Patrick Campbell called her, "My pretty, pretty cobra"). At the same time, Clare Booth Luce was becoming a respected journalist and well-known playwright. While both women were highly talented, their numerous political, philosophical, and personal differences resulted in a strained relationship.

    • One day, Parker was about to step through a doorway when she came face-to-face with Luce.

    • As the story goes, Mrs. Luce stepped aside, extended the palm of her hand, and said coyly, "Age before beauty."

    • Parker glided through the door, saying ever-so-sweetly, "Pearls before swine."
    • REPARTEE   
    • Hobbies of Husband
    • A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

    • He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

    • She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today...

    • The story continues...
    • The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

    • Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, "What are you doing?" He said your husband has blocked your credit card.

    • MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
    • ==============================
    • Simple Explanation!
    • The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    • "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

    • "What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?

    • Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

    • "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

    • Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

    • "I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
    • MARRIAGE  51
    • Boss is Always Right!
    • Boss: There are 50 bricks on an aeroplane. If you drop 1 outside. How many are left?
    • Employee: That's easy, 49.

    • Boss: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
    • Employee: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

    • Boss: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
    • Employee: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

    • Boss: It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?
    • Employee: Because the deer is in the fridge.

    • Boss: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
    • Employee: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

    • Boss: Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
    • Employee: Ere.... I guess she drowned.... errr...

    • Boss: No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the aeroplane. Thats the problem, you are not focused on your job.... You may leave now! 

    • Moral: No matter how much you know or how much you are prepared. If your Boss has decided to screw you then you are surely screwed.
    • FUNNY  100
    • A Jealous Husband
    • A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

    • A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

    • Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

    • He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

    • He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

    • "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

    • The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

    • The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"
    • MARRIAGE  11
    • Salary Hike!
    • Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

    • Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

    • Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious Firm for over ten years.

    • Boss: Yes.

    • Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

    • Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

    • Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

    • Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

    • Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

    • Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

    • Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company And the Mortgage Company!



    • Dorothy Parker
    • In the 1920s, Dorothy Parker was establishing a reputation as a witty woman with a sharp tongue (the actress Mrs. Patrick Campbell called her, "My pretty, pretty cobra"). At the same time, Clare Booth Luce was becoming a respected journalist and well-known playwright. While both women were highly talented, their numerous political, philosophical, and personal differences resulted in a strained relationship.

    • One day, Parker was about to step through a doorway when she came face-to-face with Luce.

    • As the story goes, Mrs. Luce stepped aside, extended the palm of her hand, and said coyly, "Age before beauty."

    • Parker glided through the door, saying ever-so-sweetly, "Pearls before swine."
    • REPARTEE   
    • Hobbies of Husband
    • A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

    • He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

    • She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today...

    • The story continues...
    • The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

    • Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, "What are you doing?" He said your husband has blocked your credit card.

    • MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Types of Moms!
    • Aalsi Mummy
    • "EK baat tumhe kitni bar batani padhti hai?"

    • Dhamkane Waali Mummy
    • "Aane do papa ko, tumhari shikayat karungi."

    • Itihaas Pasand Mummy
    • "Jab main tumhari umar ki thi to ghar ki sari jimmedari sambhalti thi."

    • Bhavishya Batane waali Mummy
    • "Mujhe pata tha,Yeh tute ga."

    • Confused Mummy
    • "Mein Insaan hun ya Machine?"

    • Selfish Mummy
    • "Lunch me parantha tumhare liye diya tha ya tumhare doston ke liye?"

    • Shakki Mummy
    • "10 me se 10... Jarur tum ne cheating ki hogi."

    • Meri Mummy
    • "Is Whatsapp ko toh aag laga deni chahiye."
    • HINGLISH   
    • One Fine Day!
    • Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

    • Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

    • Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

    • Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?

    • Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.



    • Not a Bad Mother-In-Law
    • Husban and wife mein jhagda ho raha tha...

    • Biwi: Kaash main apni maa ki baat maan leti aur tum se shaadi na karti.

    • Pati: Kya matlab tumhari maa ne tumhe mujh se shaadi karne ke liye mana kiya tha..?

    • Biwi: Aur nahi toh kya......

    • Pati: Hey Bhagwaan, main aaj tak us nek aurat ko kitna bura samjhta raha jisne mujhe bachana chaha...!
    • HINGLISH  68
    • WhatsApp Fever!
    • Boy: Hello Babe.... (11:45pm)
    • Girl: (last seen at 11:46pm)

    • Boy: Hey please answer me :) ( 11:50pm)
    • Girl: (last seen at 11:52pm)

    • Boy: But why do you treat me like that? Why don't you answer me? (12:00am)
    • Girl: (last seen at 12:00am)

    • Boy: Ok good night dear, I just wanted to tell you that today I have received my salary worth Rs.50,000 and I have reserved 20k for your shopping... but I think...

    • Girl (typing): Ohh! Hi dear... Actually mum was there that's why I couldn't reply... N wow darling that's a great news... I love you a lot... N when shall we go ?(12:05am)
    • Boy: (last seen 12:06am)

    • Girl: Baby please answer me na... dear I was off last time, let me know na when shall we go?(12:08am)
    • Boy: (last seen 12:09am)

    • Girl: I think your luking very tired because off work load... So now you go to bed and sleep well honey, take care. (12:10am)
    • Boy: (last seen 12:12am)

    • Girl: Sorry to disturb you but I think I forgot to tell you that tomorrow mom and dad are not at home in the evening, so you can come to my place after the shopping. Love you janu. Good Night. (12:20am)

    • Boy (typing): Ohh I was preparing for sleep, surely we will meet... c ya tomorrow... mmuuahhh..........!!!
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  234
    • Chinese are so Confusing...
    • A Chinese Call center:

    • Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

    • Operator: Yes you can speak to me...

    • Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

    • Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

    • Caller: I am Sam Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent!

    • Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone. But what's the urgent matter about?

    • Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

    • Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

    • Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

    • Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

    • Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

    • Operator: That's what I said. I am Saw Ree...

    • Caller: Oh... God...!
    • FUNNY  213
    • The Proper Procedure
    • Customer (ek ladki): Agar mein aaj cheque deposit karun toh wo kab clear hoga?

    • Clerk: Kam se kam 3 din lagenge madam.

    • Ladki: Dono bank amne-samne toh hain phir bhi itna time kyun?

    • Clerk: Madam, PROCEDURE to FOLLOW karna padta hai na. Socho agar aap Shamshan ke bahar hi mar gai, toh aapko pahle ghar lekar jayenge ya wahin nipta denge



    • Forget About It!
    • An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

    • When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"

    • "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream."

    • "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."

    • "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."

    • He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

    • She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
    • FUNNY  46
    • Guess What...
    • Ek Larki interview dene gayi.

    • Boss: Batao wo kaunsi cheez hai jis ke 2 tyres hotey hain ??

    • Larki: Bike !

    • Boss: Nahin, it's Honda bike. Chalo ek aur sawal, wo kaunsi cheez hai jis ke 4 tyres hotey hain ?

    • Larki: Car !

    • Boss: Nahin, it's Toyota car.

    • Larki: Chal ab aap merey sawal ka jawab do! Wo kaunsi cheez hai jo dikhney main white hai aur us ke beech main ek kala circle hota hai ?

    • Boss: Hehehe !! Aankh.

    • Larki: Nahi, teri Maan ki Aankh!!!
    • HINGLISH  185
    • Snakes and 'Fun'!
    • Chhote: Abe dukhi kyun hain?

    • Bade: Kuchh nahi yaar, pak raha hoon, bore ho gaya.

    • Chhote: Hmmmm, tujhe pata hai ek jaanwar hamesha maje mein rehta hai.

    • Bade: Kya baat kar raha hai yaar, hamesha?

    • Chhote: Haan yaar hamesha!!

    • Bade: Chahe kuchh bhi ho jaye?

    • Chhote: Haan, chahe kuchh bhi ho jaye.

    • Bade: Kaunsa jaanwar hai?

    • Chhote: Saanp.

    • Bade: Saanp. You mean Sake? Wo kaise?

    • Chhote: Abe saanp ke fun hota hai na, isliye....

    • Bade: Bakwas band kar!!!
    • HINGLISH  35
    • That's Good!
    • Two friends met after a long time...

    • Hey, I got married!

    • Oh! Thats good!

    • No, that's bad. She's ugly!

    • Oh! That's Bad!

    • No, that's Good. She's rich!

    • Oh! That's good!

    • No, that's bad ! She won't give me a cent...

    • Oh! That's bad!

    • No, that's Good! She bought me a big house!

    • Oh! That's good.

    • No, that's bad! The house burnt down!

    • Oh! That's bad!

    • No, that's good! She was inside.


    • Talking Parrot!
    • Boy went to buy a talking parrot!

    • Boy: Main kaisa lagta hoon?

    • Parrot: Kamine lagte ho!

    • Boy: Ye parrot badtameez hai!

    • Shopkeeper ne parrot ko pani mein duboya or pucha: Phir gali dega?

    • Parrot: Nahin.

    • Boy Parrot se: Agar mere sath ghar me ladki aye to tum kya sochoge ?

    • Parrot: Biwi hogi.

    • Boy: Agar 2 ladkiya ayen toh?

    • Parrot: Biwi or saali.

    • Boy: Agar 3 aye toh?

    • Parrot: Biwi, sali or dost.

    • Boy: Agar 4 aaye toh?

    • Parrot (apne mailk se): Paani le aao bhai.. Maine to pehle hi bola tha kamina hai ye sala!!!
    • HINGLISH  229
    • Mahatma Gandhi
    • Some of history's greatest replies come from people we don't usually associate with great wit.

    • In the decades prior to World War II, Mohandas 'Mahatma'" Gandhi led a massive campaign of civil disobedience designed to help colonial India win its independence from the British Empire. In 1931, shortly after being named Time magazine's 'Man of the Year,' Gandhi traveled to London to meet with British authorities. The entire nation was curious to learn more about this little brown man, as many called him. Constantly swarmed by press and photographers, Gandhi was peppered with questions wherever he went.

    • One day a reporter yelled out, "What do you think of Western civilization?"

    • It was a defining moment, and Gandhi's reply instantly transformed him from an object of curiosity into a celebrity.

    • In his heavy Indian accent, he answered, "I think it would be a good idea."
    • REPARTEE  15
    • The Big Cheif!
    • An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

    • "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."

    • The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.

    • "G'day, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for brikfast on your 21st birthday?"

    • "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.

    • He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'day mate.')

    • On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

    • "How," said the Aussie.

    • "Scrambled," said the Chief.
    • COMMUNITIES  29
    • My Wife Won't Like it...
    • One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"

    • "It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

    • "Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

    • "That's mighty nice of you," I answered," but I don't think my wife would like it."

    • "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

    • She was very pretty and persuasive.

    • "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

    • After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset"

    • "Don't be silly!` Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    • "Under the cart...!!!!" I said.



    • Wish Fulfillment
    • Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

    • The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

    • The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

    • Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

    • The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

    • He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

    • The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

    • The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

    • The passenger says, "Huh?"

    • The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"
    • FUNNY  7
    • The Civilized Couple
    • A civilized fight between husband & wife...

    • Wife: Twinkle Twinkle little star, you should know what YOU are And once YOU know what YOU are Then the Mental hospital is'nt so far.

    • Husband: The rain makes all things beautiful The grass & flowers too If rain makes all things beautiful, Why doesn't it rain on YOU?

    • Wife: Roses are red Violets are blue Monkeys like YOU should be kept in zoo.

    • Husband: Don't feel so angry YOU will find me there too, Not in cage but laughing at YOU.
    • MARRIAGE  37
    • Tough Examiner!
    • Exam ka examiner bahut strict tha aur paper bahut tough tha. Examiner hall mein lagataar chakkar laga raha tha aur kisi ko cheating nahin karne de raha tha.

    • Pappu ne ek chit mei kuch likha aur vo chit us examiner ko de di. Examiner ne jaise hi vo chit khol ke padi, vo chup chaap apni chair pe jaa ke baith gaya.

    • Exam khatam hone ke baad sab students Pappu ke paas gaye aur pucha: Yaar tune us chit mein kya likha tha?

    • Pappu: Sir, peechhe se aapki pant phati hui hai..........!!!!!!!!.
    • HINGLISH  51
    • Parachute Jumping
    • On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

    • The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

    • "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

    • After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"



    • Wrong Size!!!
    • Ek aurat chappal ki dukaan pe.

    • Aurat: Bhaiya, ek chappal dikhao?

    • Dukandaar: Number kya hai?

    • Aurat: 36 Number.

    • Dukandaar: Bhabhi Ji, dimag pe zor daalo aur soch ke batao ki kya lene aayi ho aap.
    • HINGLISH  22
    • Pope John XXIII
    • One of the few pontiffs in history with a rich sense of humor, Pope John XXIII once reported to an interviewer that important problems would frequently come to mind in the middle of the night, disturbing his sleep.

    • Half awake, he'd make a mental note: "I must speak to the pope about that."

    • "Then," he confessed, "I would be wide awake and remember - I am the pope!"

    • Once asked by a journalist, "How many people work in the Vatican?" the pontiff pondered the question, giving the impression that he was trying to come up with an accurate estimate.

    • Then, with a straight face, he answered: "About half."
    • REPARTEE  1
    • A barking dog
    • A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

    • The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

    • She goes downstairs.

    • The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says, "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"
    • BLONDES  20
    • Qualities of Indians...
    • Some interesting facts about Indians...

    • 1. Jab shampoo ki bottle khatam ho jaaye to usme paani daalo ek baar aur use karlo.

    • 2. Toothpaste ko tab tak use karo jab taq usko pura nichod naa loo.

    • 3. Ghar me showcase me China Crockery ko sirf aur sirf Guests ke liye use karo.

    • 4. Gold kharidna ek gram bhi nai, par Gold ke rates ki bahut chinta hai apne ko.

    • 5. TV ke remote ko zor zor se dabayenge, usse thokenge, par usme nayi batteries nai daalenge.

    • 6. Kisi ne dinner party me invite kiya ho to uss din, din bhar kuch nai khaayenge, taki wahan party mein jee bhar k daba sake.

    • 7. Jab T-Shirt purani ho jaaye to usse night dress bana lo, jab aur jaada purani ho jaaye to use Holi me use karo, Aur fir usska Pocha bana lo. 8. Dominos waale se extra ketchup, oregano, paparika maango taki baad me ghar me use kar sakein.

    • 9. Pani puri khaane k baad, payment karne ke baad free Sukha Puri apna Haq hai...



    • Bad Day!
    • Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out.

    • Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

    • The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

    • The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax."

    • Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

    • The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual,

    • "If you need anything just let me know," says the boss.

    • A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

    • He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

    • Sally breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
    • BLONDES  27
    • Men are very Kind...
    • Men are very Kind and Women are very Selfish!
    • Wanna Proof??

    • Most women don't like to help unknown men; But all men are ready anytime to help unknown women. Aurat ke dil mein sirf uske lover ya pati ke liye jagah hoti hai.... But Aadmi ka dil itna bada hota hai ki us mein...

    • Dost ki girlfriend.
    • Biwi ki friends.
    • Saamne waali.
    • Baaju waali.
    • Oopar waali.
    • Neeche waali.
    • Kaam waali.
    • Apni saali.
    • Bhai ki saali.
    • Behan ki nanad.
    • Kids ki madams.
    • aur
    • Thodi Bahut biwi ke liye bhi jagah hoti hai....

    • Sach mein Aadmi ka dil bahut bada hota hai... Meri toh aankhe bhar aayi.
    • HINGLISH  165
    • George Bernard Shaw
    • After the opening performance of Arms and the Man in London in 1894, playwright George Bernard Shaw joined the actors on stage to acknowledge a rousing, appreciative ovation.

    • Amidst the sustained applause, a solitary voice cried out: "Boo! Boo!

    • Shaw looked in the direction of the voice and said: "I quite agree with you my friend, but what can we two do against a whole houseful of the opposite opinion?"
    • REPARTEE  2
    • The Uniform
    • Ben came from a large family. He had three sisters and three brothers.

    • One day he was looking through the family photo album with his mother when he noticed, in page after page, that all the children were dressed in the same colors.

    • He asked his mother why they were all dressed alike.

    • She explained, "At first, when we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. "Then," she added, "as other three came along, I started dressing you alike so we wouldn't accidentally take one home that didn't belong to us."



    • She's Pregnant!
    • Kanjoos baap k bete ne kaha: Papa meri girfriend pregnant ho gayi hai. 50,000 mang rahi hai, CHUP rehne ke.

    • Kanjoos baap ne khamoshi se paise de diye.

    • 2 mahine baad dusra beta bola: Meri girlfriend pregnant hai. 75,000 mang rahi hai, CHUP rehne ke.

    • Kanjoos baap ne ek baar phir khamoshi se paise de diye.

    • 6 mahine baad Kanjoos ki kuwari beti boli: Papa, I am pregnant!

    • Kanjoos ne usko gale se lagaya aur maatha chum ke khushi se bola: Shabaash beti, ab paise lene ki baari hamari hai.
    • HINGLISH  127
    • The same old story!
    • An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth.

    • He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: "May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college."

    • A young man opened the door and let him in. The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.

    • He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."

    • When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.

    • The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my cousin. She dropped her earring and is searching for it." The old man said, "And the same old story!!
    • FUNNY  53
    • No More War!
    • Ram aur Raavan ka bada serious yudh chal raha tha. Tabhi Raavan ne Ram ke peechay kisi ko khada dekha.

    • Raavan: Chal yaar bye.

    • Ram: Kya hua?

    • Raavan: Kuch nahi yaar bas bye, le sita ko leja.

    • Ram: Arrey hua kya, ruk to sahi.

    • Raavan: Nahi yaar, achha I am sorry. Ok?

    • Ram: Dost nahi hai... Bata to sahi hua kya???

    • Raavan: Kuch nahi bhai baat hi khatam, no tension, no fikar... bas maje hi maje.

    • Ram: Nahi pehle bata plssssss, tujhe meri kasam, kya hua???

    • Raavan: Bas rehne de yaar, itni si baat pe tune Rajinikanth ko bula liya...
    • HINGLISH  218
    • Snake Bite!
    • Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

    • "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

    • He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

    • "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little x where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

    • The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.

    • "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

    • "He says you're gonna die."


    • Akashwani
    • Banta TRAIN mein chadne laga tab akashwani hui: Is mein mat chad yeh patri se utar jayegi.

    • Jab Banta PLANE mein chadne laga tab awaaj aayi: Ye crash ho jayega.

    • Jab vo BUS chadne laga tab awaaz aayi: Yeh khai mein gir jayegi.

    • Banta gusse se: Kaun hai?

    • Aawaz: GOD.

    • Banta: Shadi ke waqt jab GHODI chad raha tha, tab aapka gala baith gaya tha kya?
    • HINGLISH  162
    • Nice Dress!
    • A girl come in class wearing new sandals.

    • A boy comments: Chappal achhi hai.

    • Girl, gusse mein: Nikalun kya?

    • Then all the boys: Tumhaari dress toh aur bhi achchi hai......
    • HINGLISH  65
    • The Gorilla Catcher!
    • A man wakes up one morning and found a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Catchers" He calls the number, and the gorilla cathcer, Santa, says he will be over in 30 minutes.

    • Santa arrives within 30 minutes and gets out of his van.

    • He's got a LADDER, a BASEBALL BAT, a SHOTGUN and a HUGE DOG.

    • "What are you going to do", the house owner asks?

    • Santa said, "I'm going to put this LADDER up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this BASEBALL BAT. When the gorilla falls off, the DOG is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

    • He hands the shotgun to the house owner.

    • "What's the shotgun for?" asks the house owner.

    • Santa replies, "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE DOG."
    • SANTABANTA  80
    • Secret of Long Life!
    • The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.

    • After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

    • The boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

    • The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"

    • The little boy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business

    • ============================
    • Health Conscious!
    • An elderly couple died in a car crash. She was 82 and he was 87 years old. While alive, the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate.

    • When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation. There was a garden and a professional standard golf course. At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day. The club also accomodated satellite TV, snooker tables and cabaret entertainment. A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women.

    • The man turned to his wife and said, "You dozy cow... if it wasn't for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago!"
    • MARRIAGE  10
    • Pappu's Aim in Life!
    • Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge?

    • Pappu: Shaadi.

    • Teacher: Nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?

    • Pappu: Dulha Banunga.

    • Teacher: Ohho, I mean to say, bade hoker kya haasil karoge?

    • Pappu: Dulhan.

    • Teacher: Abbe!!! Matlab bade ho kar mumy papa k liye kya karoge?

    • Pappu: Bahu launga.

    • Teacher: Arey bewakoof... Tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hain?

    • Pappu: Pota.

    • Teacher: Hey bhagwan. Abbe zindagi ka kya maksad hai?

    • Pappu: Hum do, hamare do !!!
    • HINGLISH  124
    • Romantic Evening!!!
    • Two Women chatting in office.
    • Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

    • Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?

    • Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

    • At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
    • Husband 1: How was your evening ?

    • Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?

    • Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

    • Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.
    • MARRIAGE  132
    • Unknown Caller!
    • A man got a call from unknown number...

    • Caller: Hi, are you single ???

    • Man: Yes, but who are you... ???

    • Caller: Your wife... Aaj ghar aana tab bataoongi.

    • Another call from unknown number...

    • Caller: Are you married...?

    • Man: Yes, but who are you.. ??

    • Caller: Your girlfriend, U cheat...

    • Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife...

    • Caller: Wife hi hoon kamine, aaj tum bas ghar aao.


    • My Best Side...
    • Alfred Hitchcock's 1944 film "Lifeboat," a drama about eight survivors of a freighter sunk by a German U-Boat, was one of the most popular films of the year (it was also nominated for three Academy Awards).

    • While posing for publicity photographs for the film, actress Mary Anderson approached the director and asked, "What is my best side, Mr. Hitchcock?"

    • His reply was soon being circulated all around Hollywood: "My dear, you're sitting on it."
    • REPARTEE  1
    • Waking up from Surgery
    • A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

    • His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are gorgeous."

    • Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.

    • A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You are beautiful!"

    • Then he fell asleep again.

    • After a few minutes, he again opened his eyes and said, "You are cute!"

    • The wife was disappointed because instead of 'gorgeous' or 'beautiful,' it was now just 'Cute.'

    • She said, "What happened to 'gorgeous, beautiful'?"

    • Her husband replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
    • MARRIAGE  36
    • The Ecstatic Rabbit
    • Cheetah cigarette ka kash lagane hi waala tha ki achanak khargosh wahan aaya aur bola, "Bhai chhod do nasha, aao mere sath, dekho jungle kitna khubsurat hai."

    • Cheetah khargosh ke sath chal diya.

    • Aage hathi cocaine le raha tha, khargosh phir bola, "Bhai chhod do nasha, aao mere sath, dekho jungle kitna khubsurat hai."

    • Hathi bhi sath chal diya.

    • Aage Sher whisky pene ki tayari kar raha tha, khargosh ne usko bhi wahi kaha.

    • Sher ne glass side pe rakha aur khargosh ko 5-6 thappad maar diye.

    • Hathi bola: "Arey bhai, kyun maar rahe ho is bechare ko?"

    • Sher Bola: "Ye saala roz gaanja peekar aise hi sabko puri raat jungle ghumata rehta hai."
    • HINGLISH  175
    • From a Legal Court Transcript...
    • Counsel: "Are you a qualified pathologist?"

    • Witness: "Yes."

    • Counsel: "On 21st June, 2013, do you recall being at Regina Hospital in the evening?"

    • Witness: "Yes."

    • Counsel: "And do you recall examining a deceased person called Harold Schindler there at that time?"

    • Witness: "Yes." Counsel: "Approximately what time did you start the autopsy?"

    • Witness: "At about 7.30 p.m."

    • Counsel: "And Mr. Schindler was dead at that time?"

    • Witness: "No, he was sitting on the table asking why I was doing an autopsy on him."


    • Blocked...
    • Aaj kal ki ladkiyan choti choti baat pe chat account block kar deti hain... Few examples:

    • Boy: What's your Name??
    • Girl: Palak and you?
    • Boy: Paneer.
    • **BLOCKED!!!**

    • Girl : Hello I am Khusbu.
    • Boy: Khusbu ka dusra naam bharosa agarbati.... kone kone me khusbu faila de.
    • **Blocked**

    • Boy: Hi, what's your name??
    • Girl: Neha Singhal.
    • Boy: Oh.. I am also Single.
    • **Blocked**

    • Girl: What's UP?
    • Boy: Uttar Pradesh...
    • **blocked**

    • Girl: Tu soya hai...???
    • Boy: Nahi...! Schezwan hun..!
    • **Blocked Instantly**

    • Girl: I'm free tommorow!
    • Boy: Pehle kya paid thi??
    • **BLOCKED**

    • Boy: Aj mausam achha hai, Mall chalte hain.
    • Girl: Waha kya karenge??
    • Boy: Hawan karenge, hawan karenge.
    • **Blocked**

    • Girl: See ya!
    • Boy: Ram Chandra ki jai!
    • **Blocked**

    • Girl: Have a Good Day....
    • Boy: No thank you... I like Parle-G more...
    • **BLOCKED**

    • Girl: I need some Space.
    • Boy: Ok then go to Sonakshi Sinha's forehead.
    • **Blocked**

    • Girl puts up her status: Waiting for CHENNAI EXPRESS...
    • Boy: COOLIE hai kya??
    • **Blocked**

    • Boy: Thank you.
    • Girl: It's my Pleasure.
    • Boy: My Bajaj Pulsar.
    • **Blocked Forever**
    • HINGLISH  241
    • Who's the Boss?
    • Timmy and Tina were sitting down to eat their supper with the baby sitter when 6 year old Timmy saw the baby sitter sit down in his father's seat.

    • "You can't sit in my father's seat!" Timmy exclaimed.

    • "Your father is not home," the baby sitter replied, matter-of-factly. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

    • Tina, the 4 year old, quickly replied, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
    • CHILDREN  54
    • Strike a Pose!
    • Photographer studio mein 6 saal ke bachche se bolta hai: Meri taraf dekho beta is camera se kabutar niklega.

    • Bachcha: Focus adjust kar, Jhallon wali baatein mat kar. Portrait mode use karna, macro ke sath, ISO 200 ke andar rakhna, High Resolution me pic aani chahiye Facebook pe upload karni hai warna paise nahi milenge. Non sense... 'Kabutar nikaaloge...' Tumhaare baap ne kabutar dala tha isme!!!
    • HINGLISH  128
    • Get me a Battleship
    • After lunching at the Algonquin Hotel, Robert Benchley walked through the lobby, out the front door, and said to the uniformed man on the sidewalk, "My good man, would you please get me a taxi?"

    • The man immediately took offense and replied indignantly, "I'm not a doorman! I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."

    • Robert Benchley instantly quipped: "All right then, get me a battleship."


    • Deadly Instructions!
    • A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.

    • They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.

    • What had happened? Was foul play involved?

    • The mystery was finally solved, when one of his fellow programmers read the instructions on the shampoo bottle:

    • Wet hair
    • Apply shampoo
    • Lather
    • Rinse
    • Repeat...
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  26
    • Children Allowance
    • Banta ke 4 bachche the. Government ne elaan kiya: Jiske 5 bachche honge usko Rs 2000/ mahina diya jayega...

    • Banta ne apni biwi se kaha: Mera 1 beta meri girl friend ke pass hai, main usko bhi le ke aata hoon...

    • Banta jab vapas Ghar aya toh apney 2 bachche gayab...

    • Banta ne apni biwi se pucha: 2 bachche Kahah hain...???

    • Biwi: Jis-jis ke the vo le gaye. Tum ne akele ne toh elaan nahi suna tha...
    • HINGLISH  148
    • Slow Poison
    • When a man at a party once told Robert Benchley that the drink he was holding in his hand was slow poison.

    • He replied: "So who's in a hurry?"
    • REPARTEE  8
    • Father of Five!
    • The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

    • "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

    • Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy."



    • SOS Call...
    • Pappu ne live Radio Station call ki: Hello... Ji Ye Radio Station Hai ?

    • RJ: Ji Haan.

    • Pappu: Meri awaaz pura shehar sun raha hai ?

    • RJ: Ji Haan.

    • Pappu: Yani ghar mein jo meri behan radio sunn rahi hai wo bhi sun rahi hogi.?

    • RJ, gusse mein: Haaan bai haan .

    • Pappu: Hello Gullo! Agar meri aawaz sun rahi hai toh jaldi se motor chala de...! Main chhat par... toilet mein hun aur paani khatam ho gaya hai...
    • HINGLISH  185
    • Strawberry Farm
    • A farmer was driving along the road with a load of manure.

    • A little boy, Pappu, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

    • "Manure," the farmer replied.

    • "What are you going to do with it?" asked Pappu.

    • "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

    • "You ought to live here," Pappu advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
    • PAPPU  42
    • Happy Married Life
    • Banta asked Santa, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

    • Santa said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

    • Banta asked, "Can you explain?"

    • Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions."

    • Still not convinced, Banta asked him, "Give me some examples"

    • Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

    • Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"

    • Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Syria, whether the European Union should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Tendulkar should retire, about Salman Khan's Marriage etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these."
    • SANTABANTA  170
    • Guess Who?
    • A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

    • A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.

    • Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: 'Guess who sent them.'

    • The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

    • On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: 'Well, now you know!'


    • What is Audit?
    • Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

    • The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

    • The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Ok."

    • The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables.

    • He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheeps."

    • The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep."

    • The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"

    • The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"

    • The shepherd says, "You are an auditor." "How did you know?" asks the young man.

    • "Very simple," answers the shepherd. "Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?"
    • FUNNY  27
    • Classic Insult!
    • Santa & a girl standing on the bus stop:

    • Santa to ladki: Nice lipstick.

    • Girl: Thanks.

    • Santa: Nice top and jeans

    • Girl: Thanks.

    • Santa: Nice ear-rings

    • Girl: Thanks.

    • Santa: Nice neckless.

    • Girl: Thank you so much BHAIYA.

    • Santa: Very strange, phir bhi tum sundar nahi lag rahi ho.
    • SANTABANTA  419
    • Funny Interview
    • Officer: What is your Name ?
    • Candidate: MP Sir.
    • Officer: Tell me properly.
    • Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir.
    • Officer: Your father's name ?
    • Candidate: MP sir
    • Officer: What does that mean ?
    • Candidate: Manmohan Pal sir.
    • Officer: Your native place.
    • Candidate: MP Sir.
    • Officer: Is it Madhya Pradesh ?
    • Candidate: No, Munnur Pal sir.
    • Officer: What is your qualification?
    • Candidate: MP Sir.
    • Officer: (Angrily) What is it ?
    • Candidate: Matric Pass.
    • Officer: Why do you need a job ?
    • Candidate: MP sir.
    • Officer: And w!hat does that mean ?
    • Candidate: Money Problem sir.
    • Officer: Describe your personality.
    • Candidate: MP Sir.
    • Officer: Explain yourself clearly.
    • Candidate: Min!d-blowing Personality Sir.
    • Officer: This discussion is nowhere, you may go now.
    • Candidate: MP Sir.
    • Officer: What is it now?
    • Candidate: My performance....?
    • Officer: MP !!!
    • Candidate: What is that sir..?
    • Officer: Mentally Punctured.
    • Candidate: MP Sir...(my pleasure)
    • FUNNY  214
    • Smart Teachers
    • Top answers of smart teachers... If they don't know the answers:

    • 1. I think the question is wrong...

    • 2. I'll tell you tomorrow...

    • 3. Don't ask foolish questions...

    • 4. You will study this in the next class...

    • And the most important and the smartest one is:
    • 5. Nice question, raise your han!ds those who know the answer.


    • An Ear-ie Trip
    • Aboard an Air India flight fr!om New Dehli to USA, Grandma Santo was taking her very first flight.

    • They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

    • The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

    • When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess, "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get !it out of my ears?"
    • FUNNY  29
    • Sabse bada kaun?
    • Ek Sharabi full tight hokar ghar jaa ra!ha tha. Raaste me mandir ke baahar pujari dikha. Sharabi ne pujari se poocha, "Sabse bada kaun?"

    • Pujaari ne peecha chudane ke liye kaha, "Mandir Bada."

    • Sharabi bola, "Mandir bada toh dharti pe kaise khada?" Pujari: "Dharti badi."

    • Sharabi, "Dharti badi toh Sheshnaag pe kyun khadi?"

    • Pujari: "Sheshnaag bada."

    • Sharabi: "Sheshnaag bada toh Shiv ke gale me kyon pada?" Pujari: "Shiv bada."

    • Sharabi: "Shiv bada toh Parbat par kyon khada?"

    • Pujari: "Parbat bada."

    • Sharabi: "Parbat bada toh Hanuman! ki ungli pe kyon pada?"

    • Pujari: "Hanuman bada." Sharabi: "Hanuman bada toh Ram ki charno me kyon pada?"

    • Pujari: "Ram bada."

    • Sharabi: "Ram bada toh Ravan ke piche kyun pada?"

    • Pujari: "Arey mere baap tu bata kaun bada?"

    • Sharabi, "Is duniya me wo!h bada jo puri bottle pee ke apni taango pe khada!!!"
    • HINGLISH  317
    • I Hate My Job!!!
    • When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

    • On your way home from work, !stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

    • Change into very comfortable clothing !and! sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    • Now the fun part begins.

    • Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

    • "Every Rectal Thermometer made by this company is personally tested and then sanitized."

    • Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at this compan!y." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, T!HERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A J!OB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS!
    • FUNNY  30
    • Funny Translation
    • Santa English me fail ho gaya translation ki wajah se...;

    • 1. Mein ek aam admi hun...
    • I am a mango man.

    • 2. Mujhe English aati hai.
    • English comes to me.

    • 3. Mera talluq haripur hazara se hai.
    • I belong to green pur thousanda.

    • 4. Sdak par goliya ch!al rahi hai.
    • Tablets are walking on the road..



    • Changing Address!
    • Blonde: "I'm on the roa!d a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

    • Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

    • Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

    • Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

    • Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
    • BLONDES   
    • Overspeeding!
    • Traffic police chalaan book nik!aal ke bola: Naam bol?

    • Ladka: Galti ho gaya Sir...

    • Police: Naam Bol.

    • Ladka: Sorry sir, is baar ja!ne do... dobara nahi hoga.

    • Police: Naam kya hai.

    • Ladka: Trikulavattyy T!hekkeparambli Venkateshwara Swami.

    • Police (book band karke): Theek hai, agli baar gaadi dheere chalana!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Who is the dumbest?
    • 1. The man who removes his shoes to enter a taxi.

    • 2. The man who goes to the bank with a spanner to open an account.

    • 3. The man who watches n who goes to bed with a ruler just to know how long he has slept.

    • 4. The man who watches news on TV... and waves at the news reader.

    • 5. A nurse who wakes up a sleeping patient simply becos she forgot to give him sleeping pills.

    • 6. The man who turns down the volume of his TV becos he wants to read a text message.

    • 7. The man who sprays himse!lf with insecticide to keep mosquitoes away.

    • 8. A man who polishes h!is shoes to take passport sized photo.

    • 9. A man who climbs a mango tree to check if the mangoes are ripe enough... then comes down & starts stoning to pluck the! mangoes.

    • 10. A man who chooses to drink Fanta because he thinks Sprite is unripe.

    • 11. A man who puts his! radio inside the refrigerator because he wants to listen to cool music.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Easier Way
    • "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

    • "That's correct," replies the defendant.

    • "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."

    • "That's correct," replies the defendant.

    • "Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"

    • "It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every da
    • ======================
    • Total Commitment!
    • A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

    • "Great idea!` the chicken cried.

    • "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

    • "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  21
    • Intelligent Husband!
    • Wife is busy packing her clothes.

    • Man: And where are you going?

    • Wife: I'm moving to my mother.

    • Husband also starts packing.

    • Wife: And where do you think your going?

    • Husband: I'm also moving to my mother.

    • Wife: And what about the kids?

    • Husband: Well if you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother then I guess they must also move to their mother....
    • MARRIAGE  73
    • Skiing Backwards!!!
    • A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom.

    • No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself.

    • Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg. The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room.

    • Laughing hysterically, he said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!"

    • As he began to compose himself, he asked, "So, how did you break YOUR leg??"
    • SPORTS  8
    • What do women really want?
    • This is quite interesting...

    • (To women) Please take time to ponder...
    • (To men) Just enjoy the story...... 

    • Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    • The question was: What do women really want?

    • Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man. And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

    • He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    • Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    • The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but first he would have to agree to her price.

    • The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden.

    • But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 'What a woman really wants?'

    • She said, "A woman wants to be in charge of her own life."

    • Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth, and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

    • The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen was sitting by the bed.

    • The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth become her horrible and deformed self only half the time, and be the beautiful maiden the other half.

    • 'Which would you prefer?' She asked him. 'Beautiful during the day or at night?'

    • Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous moments with?

    • (If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?
    • (If you are a woman reading this...) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

    • And Lancelot's choice is given below...
    • BUT... please make YOUR choice first before you scroll down below...

    • OKAY?

    • Knowing the answer the witch gave to Arthur for his question, Sir Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

    • Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time... because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

    • Now... what is the moral to this story?

    • The moral is...
    • 1) There is 'witch' in every woman, no matter how beautiful she is !
    • 2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly !
    • So, be careful how you treat a woman and always remember: IT IS EITHER 'HER WAY' OR IT IS 'NO WAY'


    • Santa and Maggi!
    • Santa se interview mein pucha gaya:

    • Agar 2 minute ke liye aapko PM bana diya jaye toh aap kya karenge.....??

    • Santa: Hum Maggi noodles banayenge.

    • Intrviwer: Why....??

    • Santa: 2 Minute mein toh sirf Maggi ban sakta hai..

    • Intrvwer: Agar 5 saal ke liye bana diya jaye....??

    • Santa: Hum 5 saal ke liye PM nahi banenge.

    • Intrvwer: Why....??

    • Santa: Itni Maggi kaun khayega...??
    • HINGLISH   
    • Repeat Performance!
    • A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.

    • One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."

    • With that the new mother burst out crying.

    • "I know," she said. "That was me, too."
    • DOCTORS   
    • Guys vs Gals!
    • Ladka izhar-e-mohabat kary to ladki k ye 5 jawab ho saktay hain:

    • 1) No...
    • 2) Yes...
    • 3) Aapko dost samjhti hun...
    • 4) I m engaged...
    • 5) I love someone else...

    • Aur ladki izhar-e-mohabat kary to lardke k 5 jawab ye hongay:

    • 1) Haan...
    • 2) Yes...
    • 3) Ok...
    • 4) Alright...
    • 5) Me too...
    • Boyz ka dil, dil nahi darya hota hai.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Language Problem!
    • An Indian girl married a Spanish and went to Spain.

    • As he can't speak Spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & shows her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

    • This went on for sometime, one day she wanted to buy banana.

    • She took her husband to the shop... (don't laugh... you perverts...)

    • Because her husband can speak Spanish and could ask for banana in Spanish.


    • What's for Dinner Tonight?
    • Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi??
    • Wife: Jo aap kaho?

    • Husband: Dal chawal bana lo.
    • Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the?

    • Husband: Toh sabji roti bana lo?
    • Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge?

    • Husband: Toh chhole puri bana lo?
    • Wife: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai?

    • Husband: Eggs bhurji bana lo?
    • Wife: Aaj guruvaar hai?

    • Husband: Paraanthe ??
    • Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai???

    • Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain??
    • Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye?

    • Husband: Kadhi chawal??
    • Wife: Dahi nahi hai?

    • Husband: Idly sambar??
    • Wife: Usme time lagega. Pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!?

    • Husband: Maggie hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega?
    • Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta?

    • Husband: Phir, ab kya banaogi??
    • Wife: Jo aap kaho...
    • MARRIAGE  248
    • I Love You, Sweetheart
    • There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

    • The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"

    • All the women raised their hands.

    • Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

    • Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember. The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.'

    • Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

    • Here are some of the replies:

    • 1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

    • 2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

    • 3. I don't understand what you mean?

    • 4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

    • 5. ?!?

    • 6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

    • 7. Am I dreaming? ???????

    • 8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

    • 9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

    • and the best one...

    • 10. Who is this?
    • MARRIAGE  136
    • Santa & Banta vs Viswanathan Anand
    • Santa and Banta were playing chess...
    • (joke doesn't end here).

    • Santa: Chal yaar bas karte hain, pak raha hai.

    • Banta: Haan yaar, waise bhi tera sirf haathi bacha hai aur mera sirf ghoda.

    • The joke doesn't end here either...

    • Phir wahan Viswanathan Anand aata hai.

    • Vishy: Chalo Santa-Banta, chess khelte hain.

    • Santa-Banta: Nahi, aap to hume aasani se hara doge.

    • Vishy: Chalo yaar. Tum dono aur me akela.

    • Santa-Banta: Phir bhi hum haar jayenge.

    • Vishy: Okay, mai left hand se khelunga.

    • Ssnts-Banta: Haan. Phir thik hai.

    • The joke still doesn't end...

    • Dono obviously haar jate hai aur Vishy chala jata hai.

    • Santa: Badi sharma!naak baat hai, yaar. Left hand se bhi hara diya usne.

    • Banta: Abe bewkoo!f bana gaya woh hume.

    • Santa: Kaise?

    • Banta: S!aala lefty hi hoga...
    • HINGLISH  85
    • Indian Mother!
    • A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and !that he is going to get married.

    • He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 wom!en and you try and !guess which one I'm going to marry."

    • The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautifu!l women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

    • Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

    • She immediately replies, "The on!e on the right."

    • "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

    • The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."
    • ==================================
    • Facebook Freak!
    • Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge?
    • Student: Facebooking Karunga !!

    • Teacher: Nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?
    • Student: Facebook pages ka Admin banunga.

    • Teacher: Ohoo, I mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge?
    • Student: Facebook Admin Rights.

    • Teacher: IDIOT! Mera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa ke liye kya karoge?
    • Student: Facebook par Page bnaunga 'I MOM & DAD'

    • Teacher: Stupid tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hain ?
    • Student: Mere Facebook ka Pasword.

    • Teacher: Oh God, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai?
    • Student: Facebook, but never Face your Book.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Watching TV!
    • A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes:

    • Wife: Is that Bret Lee?
    • Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

    • Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.
    • Husband: He does not have an actor brother.

    • Wife: What about Bruce Lee?
    • Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian.

    • Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.
    • Husband: No. It is called action replay.

    • Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.
    • Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta.

    • Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.
    • Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It's a free hit.
    • Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Hit?

    • Wife: Now whom is he saying 'HI' to?
    • Husband: He is signalling a 'Bye'.
    • Wife: Why is he saying 'Bye. Is the game over?

    • Wife: How many runs to win?
    • Husband: 72 in 36 balls
    • Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball.

    • Frustrated husband turns off the TV. Wife turns it on and watches 'Saraswasti Chandra'.
    • Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?
    • Wife: Don't you dare disturb me...
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Kahan, Kyun, Kiske Saath?
    • COLUMBUS agar married hota to America kabhi discover nahi kar pata. Kyunki tab us se poocha jata:

    • 1. Kahan jaa rahe ho?

    • 3. Kyun Jaa rahe ho?

    • 2. Kiske saath jaa rahe ho?

    • 3. Main bhi chalungi.

    • 4. Wapas kab aaoge?

    • 5. Ghar reh kar hi discover karlo.

    • 6. Mere liye kya laoge?

    • 7. Wapas aate waqt sabji lete aana.

    • 8. Pahunch ke phone karna.

    • 9. Har baar tum hi kyon discover karte ho? Koi aur kyon nahi kar sakta?
    • HINGLISH   
    • Learning US Customs
    • A Chinese decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

    • He bought a home on a small piece of land. A few days after moving in. The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

    • The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

    • A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

    • The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."

    • The Chinaman is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these American Customs."

    • "What do you mean," says the neighbor, "Those aren't American customs."

    • "Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese, "He say to become true American, I must learn to .... chase chicks, .... get piss drunk, and ....listen to bull-shit."


    • Can't stop laughing
    • A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

    • He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

    • One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

    • The man agreed and said to the car, "Car, go and bring my children from school."

    • The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

    • He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

    • The car parked right in front of them and said, "These are your children sir." In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

    • The Wife said, "Don't tell me all these are your children ?"

    • The man asked her calmly, "an you first tell me why our children are not in the car?"
    • MARRIAGE  47
    • Soccer
    • A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.

    • The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

    • "Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

    • Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

    • "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way 'his' kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

    • "Nothing ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
    • FUNNY  6
    • Three Bulls eyes!!!
    • A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize. Only a dollar for three darts.

    • The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!!

    • All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

    • Three weeks pass... the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

    • The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

    • And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"
    • BAR  4
    • Hollywood and Bollywood Movies...
    • 5 things American Movies Teach Us:
    • 1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

    • 2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

    • 3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote Basketball/Baseball.

    • 4. Aliens have special interest in attacking the U.S.

    • 5. U.S. is a place where you can meet all mythical creatures like werewolves & vampires.

    • 5 things Indian Movies teach us:
    • 1. At least one of the identical twins is born evil.

    • 2. While defusing a bomb, don't worry, whichever wire you cut... you always choose the right one".

    • 3. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up; but will show pain when a girl cleans up his wounds.

    • 4. A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.
    • The most hilarious one...

    • 5. If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps.


    • Question Paper
    • Banta is a teacher and exam ke liye Question Paper banaya...
    • Paper dekhte hi saare bachche behosh ho gaye... Questions were:

    • 1. 'China' kis Desh me hai ?

    • 2. '15th Augusty' kis Date ko Aati hai ?

    • 3. 'Green' colour kis rang ka Hota hai ?

    • 4. 'Tamatar' ko Hindi may kya Bolte hai ?

    • 5. 'Mumtaz' ki Qabar main Kon Dafan hai ?
    • HINGLISH  202
    • Mouse Trap
    • Santa: I'm in a big trouble!

    • Banta: Why is that?

    • Santa: I saw a mouse in my house!

    • Banta: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

    • Santa: I don't have one.

    • Banta: Well then, buy one.

    • Santa: Can't afford one.

    • Banta: I can give you mine if you want.

    • Santa: That sounds good.

    • Banta: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

    • Santa: I don't have any cheese.

    • Banta: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

    • Santa: I don't have oil.

    • Banta: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

    • Santa I don't have bread.

    • Banta: Then what the hell is that mouse doing at your house???
    • SANTABANTA  158
    • Killer English!
    • Bihar school teacher's killer English: 

    • 1. Pick up the paper and fall in the dust-bin!

    • 2. Both of you three, stand together separately! 

    • 3. Will you hang that calendar or I'll "HANG MYSELF!"

    • 4. Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father!

    • 5. Why are you looking at the monkey outside when I am in the class...?

    • 6. I have 2 daughters, both are girls.

    • 7. Stand in the middle of the corner!
    • SANTABANTA  454
    • Dirty Magazines!
    • An army major called his wife to tell her that he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.

    • "The punishment sounds a little harsh," she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters."

    • "No, honey,," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly


    • Sindhi Special
    • How Sindhis are surnamed: An 'Astronaut' Sindhi?
    • Chandwani

    • A 'Simple' Sindhi?
    • Sadhwani

    • A 'Smelly' Sindhi?
    • Baswani

    • An 'Athlete' Sindhi?
    • Bhaagchandani

    • A 'Milkman' Sindhi?
    • Dudani

    • A 'Careless' Sindhi?
    • Parwani

    • An 'Electric' Sindhi?
    • Bijlani

    • An 'Advanced' Sindhi?
    • Advani

    • A 'revengeful' Sindhi?
    • Badlani

    • A 'Vibrating' Sindhi?
    • Kampani

    • A 'Weight lifter' Sindhi?
    • Tolani

    • A 'Hairy' Sindhi?
    • Keswani

    • A 'Beautiful' Sindhi?
    • Rupchandani

    • A 'forgetful' Sindhi? 
    • Bulchandani

    • A 'Happy' Sindhi?
    • Sukhwani

    • A 'Bewada' Sindhi?
    • Rumnani

    • An 'Honest' Sindhi?
    • YEH TO GOOGLE BHI SEARCH KAR RAHA HAI...
    • COMMUNITIES  179
    • Making Money
    • A young man asked a rich old man: How he made his money ?

    • The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, The Depth of The Great Depression, I was down to my last nickel. I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 Cents..!

    • The next day, I invested those 10 Cents in 2 apples. I spent the entire day polishing them & sold them for 20 Cents.

    • I continued this 4 a month, by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune Of $.1.37.

    • Then my wife's father died & left us 2 Million Dollars...!

    • MORAL: Hard work is just shit.. Find a chick whose father is rich.
    • FUNNY  146
    • The Lone Bat!
    • A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly sleeping.

    • Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor, standing upright and looking around.

    • "Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?"

    • Charlie looks up and says, "Yoga!"
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  49
    • The Picture Diet!
    • A married lady, visited her elderly parents' home.

    • When she opened refrigerator, she was shocked to see inside a picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman in two-piece bikini.

    • Lady: Mom, what's this?

    • Mom: Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat.

    • Lady: Is it working?

    • Mom: Yes and No.

    • I've lost 8 kilos, but your dad has gained 20.


    • Things to learn From Shah Rukh Khan movies
    • Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: DOST SE PYAAR

    • Mohabattein: PRINCIPAL KI BETI SE PYAAR

    • Kal Ho Na Ho: PADOSI KI BETI SE PYAAR

    • Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gum: NAUKAR KI BETI SE PYAAR

    • Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna: DUSARO KI BIWI SE PYAAR

    • Baazigar: DUSHMAN KI BETI SEPYAAR

    • My Name is Khan: BAAL KATANE WALI SE PYAAR

    • Pardes: DOST KI MANGETAR SE PYAAR

    • Dil Se: TERRORIST SE PYAAR

    • Mai Hoon Na: TEACHER SE PYAR
    • HINGLISH  329
    • Pappu's logic!
    • Santa: Whom you like more mama or papa?

    • Pappu: Both...

    • Santa: No tell me one..??

    • Pappu: Both.

    • Santa: If I go to America & your mother goes to Paris where will you go??

    • Pappu: Paris.

    • Santa: It means you like your mother??

    • Pappu: No, because Paris is beautiful than America...

    • Santa: If I go to Paris & your mother goes to America so where will you go??

    • Pappu: America!

    • Santa: Why?

    • Pappu: Paris toh ghoom aaye na papa.
    • SANTABANTA  243
    • Walking Backward!
    • Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

    • When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

    • One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

    • Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"
    • MARRIAGE  55
    • English and Hindi always Contradict
    • English and Hindi always Contradict...

    • English: The sooner the better...
    • Hindi: Jaldi ka kaam shaitaan ka hota hai...

    • English: Think of the devil, and the devil is here...
    • Hindi: Badi lambi umar hai tumhari, abhi tumhe hi yaad kar rahe the...

    • English: Don't wait, fight for your rights...
    • Hindi: Sabr ka fal meetha hota hai...

    • ...and the most striking of all,
    • English: As wise as an owl...
    • Hindi: Ullu ka Pattha...


    • Desert Gear!
    • A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

    • The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

    • "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

    • "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

    • The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

    • His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

    • "So tell me then," added the boy.

    • "Yes, my son?"

    • "Why are you living in Toronto and still wearing all this?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Data for Census
    • A census taker in a rural Indian village went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

    • She said, "Lets see now, there's the twins, Ballu and Lallu, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seeta and Geeta, they're sixteen. And the twins, Ram and Shyam, they're fourteen."

    • "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

    • The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get anything!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Pathan the hat seller!
    • A Pathan hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

    • A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were one. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

    • Pathan sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same.

    • An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

    • Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather father. One day, just like his father, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

    • He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfather's words, he started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.

    • Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

    • Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?"
    • FUNNY   
    • What's good about this news?
    • Jeeto phoned Santa at work as usual for a chat.

    • Santa said, "Jeeto darling, I am terribly busy today, can you call me back later today perhaps." 

    • Jeeto, "But sweetheart, I have a good news, and I have a bad news to give to you."

    • Santa, "Darling, I do not have time, so why don't you give me the good news now, and when I come back home in the evening then give me the bad news, this way I can focus here, and do not spoil my work."

    • Jeeto, "OK dear. The good news is, the Air bag of our brand new Lexus works, I got my life saved. And when you come back home in the evening I will give you the bad news.


    • Gujju Blood
    • An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.

    • As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    • After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.

    • A year later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

    • After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.

    • The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.

    • He phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.

    • The Arab replied, "Bapu... now I have Gujju blood in my veins!
    • FUNNY   
    • Sentry Duty!
    • A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.

    • His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.

    • A big Army car came up with a General seated in the back.

    • The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

    • The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

    • "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

    • The general said, "Drive on!"

    • The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

    • The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

    • The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Not Guilty!
    • A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...

    • He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

    • He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."

    • He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."
    • BAR   
    • Nice Logic!
    • Santa: What's the name of our PM?
    • Pappu: We don't have a PM in our country.

    • Santa: Shut up! Tell me the name of our PM?
    • Pappu: Okay dad, first you tell me the model no. of our typewriter?

    • Santa: We don't have a typewriter.
    • Pappu: We have one in the store-room.

    • Santa: Oh... that one. We do have but that's not of any use why should I remember it's model no?
    • Pappu: My point exactly.



    • Lawyer's Love Letter!
    • Ever wondered how a lawyer could write a love letter to his girlfriend? To ....., 

    • Sub: Offer of love!

    • Dearest Ms ......,
    • 1. That I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 7th of August (Wednesday).

    • 2. That with reference to the meeting held between us on the 11th of Aug. at 15:00hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

    • 3. That our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

    • 4. That needless to say and of course, upon completion of probation, I propose that there will be a continuous 'on the job training' and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

    • 5. That I propose that the expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us.

    • 6. That I further propose that later, based on our mutual performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

    • 7. That however I am broad-minded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
    • 8. That I humbly request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

    • 9. That I wish to add here that I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

    • Wish you all the best!

    • Thanking you in anticipation.

    • Please reply if you desire so...
    • Yours sincerely,

    • Mr. ...
    • Adv for y
    • LAWYERS  231
    • Money Well Spent
    • Santa walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Was I in here last night?"

    • "You certainly were," replies the bartender.

    • "And did I spend a lot of money?" Santa asked.

    • "You spent over Rs. 10000," replies the bartender.

    • "Thank god for that," says Santa, "I thought I'd wasted it."
    • SANTABANTA  107
    • Stunt Driver!
    • The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

    • A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

    • "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"

    • "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am... a stunt driver?"
    • FUNNY  59
    • National Mentality
    • When an insect falls into a mug of beer...

    • Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.

    • American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

    • Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

    • Indian: Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

    • Pakistani :
    • 1) Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer.

    • 2) Relates the issue to Kashmir.

    • 3) Asks the Chinese for Military aid.

    • 4) Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.


    • My Computer ?
    • A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...

    • Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".

    • Lady: I can't see your computer...

    • Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.

    • Lady: How the hell can I click on ur computer from my computer???!!

    • Help desk: there is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...

    • Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer ??!!!
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  117
    • A Good Smoke
    • Bob and Jim are walking to services.

    • Bob asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

    • "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Jim.

    • Bob sees the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"

    • "No, you may not. That's utterly disrespectful to our tradition!" answers the rabbi.

    • Bob goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

    • "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

    • Jim goes over to the Rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, would it be ok if I prayed while I smoke?"

    • To which the Rabbi eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
    • RELIGION  100
    • Crazy Ministers
    • Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Israeli government holds a special session to come up with a solution.

    • After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States of America."

    • Everyone starts shouting at once, "You're nuts! That's crazy!"

    • "Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over."

    • "Sure," says Benny, another minister, "And what if we win?"
    • FUNNY  36
    • He Who Laughs Last... Laughs Best
    • A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

    • They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

    • "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

    • The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

    • Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

    • This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

    • The guy calms down and says, "Make 'em all ugly again."
    • ==========================
    • The Pope and KFC Deal
    • When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.

    • He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

    • "I can't possibly do that," said the Pope.

    • "Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel.

    • "No, not for 100,000 dollars," replied the Pope.

    • Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further. The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope. This time he offered 500,000 dollars for the words of the Lord's Prayer to be changed to "Give us this day a daily chicken."

    • Again the Pope refused, "I can't possibly change the wording of the Lord's Prayer from bread to chicken," he repeated.

    • Another 6 months and KFC sales had reached an all time low. The company was in danger of going out of business. Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord's Prayer.

    • "I'll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word 'bread' to 'chicken' in the Lord's Prayers."

    • "That's a lot of money," conceded the Pope.

    • "So you'll do it?"

    • "I'll have to discuss it with the cardinals."

    • So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals. He began, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, KFC is going to donate 50 million dollars to Vatican. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account."
    • RELIGION   
    • Defamation Suit
    • A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

    • After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

    • The judge said that was true.

    • "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

    • The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

    • The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
    • FUNNY   
    • First Proctology Exam
    • A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.

    • A tube of K-Y jelly;
    • A rubber glove; and
    • A beer.

    • When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

    • At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."
    • DOCTORS   
    • I'm The Boss!
    • The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

    • The next day, he brought a small sign that Read: "I'm the Boss !"

    • He then taped it to his office door.

    • Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


    • The Absent-Minded Professor
    • An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.

    • That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.

    • Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."

    • In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.

    • "Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"

    • "Sure, dad," said the boy.
    • FUNNY   
    • It Wasn't Me...
    • As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Kumar became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a drop dead gorgeous young lady.

    • As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the lady suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Kumar, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

    • Bewildered, Mr. Kumar was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I didn't pinch that girl."

    • "Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly, "I did."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Fight Like a Man
    • Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

    • The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

    • They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

    • Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

    • The man replied, "Well, I was laying under the bed and she crawled over and said, 'Come out and fight like a man!'"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Most Beautiful Woman!
    • A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking. He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth.

    • It felt good to be blind drunk, but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered. She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in. This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house.

    • He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within, "Who is it?"

    • The man leaned on the door and said tenderly, "I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world."

    • Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door. She opened it and took a close look at her husband. Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses, nor hyacinths in his hands.

    • "Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world, you bastard?" the woman roared.

    • The man slouched towards her and murmured, "And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?"



    • Smart Housekeeper
    • Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss' wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

    • Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

    • James told his wife about Joe's misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies.

    • So he shouted, "Joe!!!" Joe answered from the kitchen, "Yes boss?"

    • James, "Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?"

    • There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, "What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with 'Yes Boss' and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence!!!"

    • Joe said, "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don"t hear anything else that is said, I swear."

    • James, "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?"

    • So the boss went to the kitchen.

    • Joe shouted, "Boss!!!"

    • Boss, "Yes Joe?"

    • Joe, "Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam's absence?"

    • Silence - no reply. Joe again, "Who made the maid pregnant?"

    • No reply. Joe, yet again, "And who arranged for her abortion?"

    • James came running from the kitchen and said, "You are right Joe. When one is in kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. That's bloody strange!"
    • FUNNY  42
    • It's in the Stars
    • There was once a famous Jewish court astrologer named Isaac the Great. The King's mistress got sick and Isaac was called in from a prediction. He happened to know a bit of medicine as well and could see that she was going to die, so thought he would take the opportunity to bolster his credibility a little.

    • He said, "Your Majesty, she will die in three days -- it's in the stars."

    • Sure enough, three days later, she dies. The King is very angry so he blames the astrologer.

    • He calls Isaac in and demands, "Look into the stars and tell me the day of your own death."

    • Isaac the astrologer understands that the King is going to kill him so he looks at the Horoscope with great intensity and answers, "Sir, I can't tell exactly when, but I can see in the stars that the King will die three days after me."
    • FUNNY  9
    • Ten Million Dollars
    • Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

    • After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

    • Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

    • "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died."

    • "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
    • MARRIAGE  3
    • Loving Wife!
    • After examining a patient the doctor took his wife aside and told her that her husband was gravely ill but there were 3 things she could do to ensure his survival.

    • 1. Give him three nutritious meals every day.
    • 2. Do not nag him.
    • 3. Make love to him every night.
    • While driving back home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say ?"

    • "I am sorry dear but he said that you are not going to make it.


    • UN Survey
    • A survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    • The survey was a HUGE failure.

    • In Africa, they did not know what "food" means.

    • In Western Europe, they did not know what "shortage" means.

    • In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion" means.

    • In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" means.

    • In South America, they did not know what "please" means.

    • In Asia, they did not know what "honest" means.

    • And in the USA, they did not know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" means.
    • FUNNY  98
    • Rest in Peace!
    • When the rich man's will was read, his wife was very upset: he left everything to the young woman who lived next door to them and nothing to her!

    • She drove immediately to the cemetery to cancel her order for his headstone.

    • The stonecarver said, "You're too late. I already carved it just like you told me: 'Rest In Peace.'"

    • The woman thought a moment and then replied, "Okay, then, I'll pay you a little more to add, 'Till we meet again!'"
    • MARRIAGE  50
    • Four Classified Ads
    • These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake... MONDAY: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who lives with him cheap.

    • TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishant's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs. Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.

    • WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishant has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

    • THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishant, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!
    • FUNNY  33
    • Enemy or Friends?
    • The Pakistani Major had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from India.

    • "Khan," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Indian military activity."

    • "Ok, Major," replied Khan.

    • He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

    • "There are many planes coming, Major," he promptly radioed back.

    • "Friends or enemies?" the Major demanded urgently.

    • Khan again lifted his binoculars to the sky.

    • "They're flying very closely together, Major," he replied. "I think they must be friends."



    • Clean-Shaven
    • A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

    • "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

    • James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

    • "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

    • "Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

    • The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

    • That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

    • The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
    • MARRIAGE  124
    • Luckiest Day!!!
    • Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.

    • They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.

    • Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

    • So he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."

    • Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

    • The whole audience including priest started laughing.... But not the poor groom!
    • MARRIAGE  75
    • Delivery Routes!
    • A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.

    • He says:
    • - To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.

    • - To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.

    • - To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.

    • - And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.

    • The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!"

    • And the wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky??? Are you fucking kidding me!!!?? He is a Milkman!!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!"
    • FUNNY  71
    • How Old is this Drink?
    • An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, purse a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference.

    • The guy downs the Scotch and says, "This Scotch is only ten years ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

    • Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath they bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.

    • The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty -year old Scotch... I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

    • So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink.

    • By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.

    • The guy downs the scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"

    • The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

    • An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raise a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

    • The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the bar room floor.

    • "My God! That taste like piss," he yells.

    • "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"



    • Antique Collectors!
    • A Columbian, Russian, Arab and a Parsi were in a discussion during an Antique Collectors Dinner.

    • Columbian Drug Lord, "I have loads of money.... I want to buy world's rarest 10 Pens."

    • Russian, "I am a billionaire... I want to buy the world's 20 antique watches."

    • Arab Says, "That's nuthin, I am a rich prince... I intend to purchase world's top 50 Antique cars."

    • Then they wait for the Parsi to speak...

    • He stirs his Tea, bites into his Bun Maska, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip, leans back with hands on the head and softly says, "I am not Selling."
    • COMMUNITIES  26
    • World Record Skydiving Stunt
    • Santa and Banta, two sky divers having tired of all the ordinary stunts, decided to set a world record by free falling to within 100 feet of the ground before opening their chutes.

    • Having jumped from 8000 feet, the two came plummeting toward the earth.

    • When this altimeter read 100, Banta shouted to Santa, "Now?"

    • "No, not now!"

    • "Now?" Banta screamed at 50 feet.

    • "Not yet!"

    • "Come on," Banta shrieked, "it's only ten feet!"

    • "For God's sake, Banta," Santa yelled, "haven't you ever fallen from ten feet before?"
    • SANTABANTA  96
    • Customer Support
    • I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.

    • She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

    • Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

    • After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?"
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  58
    • Smart Gujarati
    • A Gujju having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God.

    • God happy with his prays, grants him only one wish!

    • Gujju: "I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child's hands in our new mansion!"

    • God: "Damn; I still have a lot to learn from these Gujjus.


    • Prime Ministers of India
    • Jawaharlal Nehru proved that a rich man can become the country's Prime Minister;

    • Lal Bahadur Shastri proved that a poor man can become the Prime Minister;

    • Indira Gandhi proved that a woman can become the Prime Minister;

    • Morarji Desai proved that an old man can become the Prime Minister;

    • Rajiv Gandhi proved that a young man can become the Prime Minister;

    • I.K. Gujral proved that a gentleman can become the Prime Minister;

    • Deve Gowda proved just about anybody can become the Prime Minister;

    • Manmohan Singh has proved that India does not need a Prime Minister!
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Would You Remarry?
    • Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

    • Wife: Well, I suppose so.

    • Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

    • Wife: I guess we would.

    • Husband: Would you make love to him?

    • Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.

    • Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?

    • Wife: No, he's left handed.....
    • MARRIAGE   
    • God vs Scientist
    • God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

    • "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

    • "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

    • "Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

    • So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

    • "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
    • FUNNY   
    • Authentic Blonde
    • A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots.

    • The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

    • "Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life and I want to go as a Pirate, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot," explained the Blonde.

    • "Well," said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed."

    • "Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

    • "Why not?" Asked the owner.

    • "Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated


    • Don't Mess with Bikers!
    • A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter.

    • "And who are you?" asked St. Peter.

    • "My name is Steven Richards."

    • "And what did you do for a living?" asked St. Peter.

    • "I was unemployed."

    • "Unemployed, hmmm?" mused St. Peter. "And have you ever done anything good in your life?"

    • "As a matter of fact I have. I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl. So I rushed to her rescue, pulled the ringleader off his hair, kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off."

    • "That's highly commendable," said St. Peter flicking through the man's file, "but I can't see any report of this incident. When did it happen?"

    • "About five minutes ago."
    • RELIGION  46
    • The End is Near!
    • A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground.

    • The first sign says, "The End is Near!!"

    • The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, "Turn back while you still can!"

    • The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, "Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!" as he drives by.

    • A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash.

    • The first priest turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign."
    • RELIGION  14
    • To Pay or Not to Pay?
    • Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees.

    • The student struck a deal saying, "I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court."

    • Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days.

    • Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.

    • The teacher put forward his argument saying, "If I win this case,as per the court of law, the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."

    • Equally brilliant student argued back saying, "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet, So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything."

    • This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.
    • LAWYERS  80
    • The Atheist
    • An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. The boat capsized and the man was tossed skywards.

    • As he flew through the air towards the monster's open mouth, he screamed, "Oh God, help me!"

    • Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air. A booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

    • "Come on God, give me a break," said the man. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"


    • Parrot Action
    • Santa went to an auction and bid for a parrot. Santa bid 1000 rupees, but someone else bid 2000.

    • Santa bid 2500 rupees, but someone else bid 3000 Rupees.

    • Santa bid 3500 rupees, but someone else bid 4000 Rupees.

    • Santa was determined to buy the bird and put in a final bid of 4500 Rupees. This time there were no other bids and the parrot was sold to Santa.

    • "That's a lot of money I've paid for this bird," said Santa to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

    • "Of course he can," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
    • SANTABANTA  128
    • Got Any Peanuts?
    • A duck walked into a general store, waddled up to the counter and asked: "Got any peanuts?"

    • "No," said the assistant.

    • The following day the duck was back again, "Got any peanuts?"

    • "No," said the assistant firmly.

    • The next day duck came in again, "Got any peanuts?"

    • "No," yelled the assistant. "I've told you we don't have any peanuts. If you come back in here again and ask for peanuts, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor."

    • The next day the duck came in again, "Got any nails?"

    • "No," said the assistant.

    • "Good. Got any peanuts?"
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  69
    • Weather Forecast
    • A Hollywood director was shooting a big budget movie on location in the desert. One day an old Indian came up to him and said, "Tomorrow rain."

    • And sure enough the next day it rained.

    • A few days later, the old Indian appeared on set again, sidled up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

    • And sure enough, the following day there was a fearful storm which brought a temporary halt to filming.

    • The director was hugely impressed by the old Indian's weather predictions and told his secretary to put the tribesman on the payroll. However, after a number of other successful forecasts, the Indian didn't show for three weeks. Then the director sent for him.

    • The director said, "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow and I'm relying on you. What is the weather going to be like?"

    • The old Indian shrugged his shoulders, "Don't know. Radio broken."
    • FUNNY  95
    • Perfect Timing
    • Otto von Bismark, the first Chancellor of the German Empire from 1871-90 had been conversing for a rather long time with the British Ambassador to Germany when the latter posed the question, "How do you handle insistent visitors who take up so much of your valuable time?"

    • Bismark answered, "Oh, I have an infallible method. My servant appears and informs me that my wife has something urgent to tell me."

    • At that moment there was a knock at the door, and a servant entered with a message from his wife.



    • Duck Hunting
    • Two guys went duck hunting. One drank a bottle and a half of whisky while the other kept watch.

    • After two hours, a solitary duck flew up. The sober man took aim but missed.

    • "Quick," he said to his drunken friend, "try and hit that duck."

    • The drunk waved his shotgun in the vague direction of the sky, pulled the trigger and hit the duck.

    • "That's amazing," said the sober one.

    • "Not really," replied the drunk. "When there's a whole flock you can hardly miss!"
    • FUNNY  59
    • Swollen Foot
    • Santa goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.

    • "I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

    • The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.

    • Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.

    • "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."
    • SANTABANTA  86
    • Stuttering Problem!
    • Banta, although ordinarily eloquent, had the misfortune of stuttering badly when excited.

    • Once, when walking with his friend Santa down a crowded city street, he said with great excitement, "L-l-l-l-look at that g-g-g-girl. W-w-w-what a f-f-f-f-f-f-figure!"

    • "Where? Where?" demanded Santa, equally excited, once Jones had managed to get his message across.

    • "Too late," said Banta, quite calm. "She walked into a building."

    • A moment later, he said, "L-l-l-l-look at that c-c-c-car. N-n-n-n- never saw s-s-s-s-s----"

    • "Where? Where?" demanded Santa again.

    • "Turned the corner," said Banta briefly.

    • A few minutes passed and Banta began again, "L-l-l-l-l-look..."

    • Santa, weary of having everything over before Banta could finish, said, "It's all right. I see, I see..."

    • There was a brief pause and then Banta said, "If you saw it, why did you step in it?"
    • SANTABANTA  43
    • The Lodger!
    • Last year in France, Jacque went to his local priest and confessed: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During the Second world War, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."

    • "That's not a sin,'' said the priest. "It was an act of great kindness."

    • "But I made him agree to pay me 30 francs for every week he stayed.

    • "I admit that wasn't particularly charitable," said the priest, "but you did it for a good cause."

    • "Thank you, Father," said the man. "That's a great relief to me. I have just one more question."

    • "What's that?''

    • "Do I have to tell him the war is over



    • Oldest Profession!
    • A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

    • The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

    • The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

    • Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
    • LAWYERS  34
    • Looking on the Bright Side
    • An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.

    • Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 pounds, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has."

    • They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.

    • The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now, there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 pounds and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has."

    • The little boy thought for awhile and then said, "You know, Granddad, you are very lucky."

    • "Why"? asked the old man in surprise.

    • "Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money waiting when you get there!"
    • CHILDREN  60
    • Three Englishmen and a Welshman
    • Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

    • One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'

    • His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'

    • The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

    • He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'

    • To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer. 

    • The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'

    • The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

    • The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

    • The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'
    • COMMUNITIES  27
    • New Number!
    • After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.

    • "Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.

    • "He's in the shower," she responded.

    • "Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.

    • When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.

    • "This is Jimmy," he said.

    • "You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.

    • "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."



    • Diamond Ring
    • In the midst of a hectic day at the office, Santa got a phone call from his friend Banta.

    • Banta: Santa, I just bought an expensive diamond ring for my wife, Preeto. I hope this won't break up our long friendship?

    • Santa: Hey Banta! Have you gone crazy? Why should your buying your wife an expensive diamond ring break up our friendship? After all, you are not taking it to my wife.

    • Banta: But my wife is taking it to your wife; she's over to your house right now, showing it to your wife.
    • SANTABANTA  91
    • Second Opinion!
    • A lady went to a doctor to complain about a pain in her side. He informed her she was suffering from appendicitis and must undergo an operation.

    • Not quite trusting the doctor, she went to another physician for a second opinion.

    • This time, the doctor said her gall bladder has to be removed.

    • Feeling horrified at the diagnosis, the woman told her friend: "I'm returning to my first doctor. I'd rather have appendicitis, than gall bladder removed."
    • DOCTORS  110
    • Bird's Nest Soup
    • An American woman travelling in south-east Asia was horrified to be served bird's nest soup.

    • "Do you mean to say this actually is a bird's nest?" she protested.

    • The chef assured her that it was, explaining that the bird built the nest using its own saliva as glue.

    • "Are you saying I'm supposed to eat saliva from a bird?" she demanded. "I can't imagine anyone eating bird's saliva."

    • Realizing that there was no hope of converting her, the chef asked what she would prefer instead.

    • She answered, "Oh, just fix me an omelette."
    • FUNNY  54
    • Stranded on a Deserted Island
    • On a desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:
    • 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    • 2 French men and 1 French woman;
    • 2 German men and 1 German woman;
    • 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;
    • 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;
    • 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;
    • 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;
    • 2 American men and 1 American woman;
    • 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman;

    • One month later on the same island...
    • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

    • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

    • The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

    • The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

    • The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

    • The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

    • The two American men are depressed because the American woman complains about her body, the nature of feminism, that the water tastes bad, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least it isn't raining on the island.

    • The two Indian men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.


    • Romantic Wife
    • A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

    • She texted:
    • If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
    • If you are laughing, send me your smile.
    • If you are eating, send me a bite.
    • If you are drinking, send me a sip.
    • If you are crying, send me your tears.
    • I love you.

    • The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
    • I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
    • MARRIAGE  187
    • Anyone Home?
    • A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.

    • "Anybody home?"

    • A child's voice answered, "Yep."

    • "Is your Father there?"

    • "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."

    • "Well, is your Mother there?"

    • "Nope, Ma left just before I got here."

    • "Are you never together as a family?"

    • "Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!"
    • CHILDREN  53
    • Three-Day Pass
    • An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

    • The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

    • So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

    • "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"
    • FUNNY  10
    • Smart Monkey
    • A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

    • The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    • "No, what?"

    • "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

    • "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

    • The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

    • Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.

    • Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

    • The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?"

    • "No, what?" asked the man.

    • "Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them."

    • "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.


    • A Letter To Dad
    • A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

    • Dear Dad:
    • It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

    • But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad she's pregnant.

    • Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    • Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

    • In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

    • Don't worry Dad. I'm 16 and I know how to take care of myself.

    • Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

    • Love, Your Son JohnNY

    • PS.
    • Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Andy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
    • I love you and let me know when it's safe to come home.
    • LITTLE JOHNNY  88
    • Adding it up
    • Jeeto bought a whole range of cosmetics designed to knock years off her age. After five hours applying the various creams and potions, she asked Santa, "Tell me honestly, darling, what age do you think I look?"

    • Santa said, "From your hair - 15; from your skin - 16; from your figure - 18."

    • "Oh, you flatterer," she gushed.

    • "Wait a minute," he said, "I haven't added them up yet."
    • SANTABANTA  42
    • Enough is Enough!
    • After a busy day commuters settled down on their train trip home, when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up:

    • "Hi darling, it's John, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's 7.00 and not 5.00 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss, no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah..."

    • When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, John! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"
    • MARRIAGE  62
    • Big Steps!
    • During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

    • After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

    • The student replied, "BIG ones."
    • =======================
    • Stop That!
    • A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant.

    • The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

    • Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Please stop that immediately."

    • "Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"
    • FUNNY  9
    • Secrets of a Long and Happy Life!
    • A single woman, who retired just a few months back, walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood.

    • "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.

    • "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

    • "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.

    • "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

    • "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

    • "Twenty-six," he said.
    • FUNNY  128
    • Drunk or Sober?
    • I was stopped by the cops in a control, and one of the officers was convinced that I was drunk. I had to answer some questions, which would determine whether I was under the influence, or sober.

    • Cop: "If you are driving on a road and see two lights, what is it?" "A car, I think" I replied.

    • "OK, but is it a Chrysler, GM, or Buick?"

    • "No clue," I replied.

    • "You're drunk!" he said.

    • I shook my head slightly, being caught off guard.

    • "But if you meet one light then!?" he asked.

    • "Probably a motorcycle," I replied.

    • "OK, but is it a Honda, BMW, or a Suzuki?"

    • "No clue!" I replied.

    • "You're drunk!" he said again.

    • Now I was a little angry, and asked the arrogant officer, a question: "If you see a woman at a corner, with fishnet-stockings, mini-skirt, high-heeled shoes, and lots of makeup, what can it be?"

    • "Haaa! the cop said," It is of course a wh*re!"

    • "Correct...," I replied. "But is it your wife, daughter or mother?"

    • They seized my drivers license....
    • SANTABANTA  123
    • Wisdom Comes with Age
    • Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

    • His buddies at the club are all envious. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

    • Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

    • They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

    • Bob says, "I lied about my age."

    • His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

    • Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."


    • Don't Mess With Old People...
    • An elderly man was sick and in the hospital. There was this one nurse who drove him crazy because every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.

    • She would say in a patronizing voice, "And how are we doing this morning?" or "Are we ready for a bath?"

    • The man had just had enough! So, one morning at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it on his bedside stand. Later that morning, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So, you know where the apple juice went! The same nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.

    • "My," she said, "it seems we are a little cloudy today!"

    • At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again! Maybe I can filter it better this time. What do you think?" The nurse fainted!
    • DOCTORS   
    • P-Mail!
    • Joe was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog. Joe loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son, little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty's evening walks.

    • Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father: 'Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk?'

    • Well, Joe wasn't sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old?

    • Stalling for time Joe asked, "What do you think he's doing Johnny?"

    • Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said, "I know! I Know! He's checking his P-Mail!"
    • LITTLE JOHNNY   
    • Threatening Mails
    • A worried guy telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.

    • "What can I do for you, sir," the special agent asked.

    • "I've been getting threatening letter in the mail," the guy said. "That's against the law, isn't it?"

    • "It certainly is," the Government man said. "Do you know who's been writing them?"

    • "Yeah," the guy said. "My girlfriend's husband."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Experience counts
    • A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed to three identical birds lined up on the perch.

    • ''How much is the one on the left?'' asked the customer.

    • ''Five hundred dollars,'' said the shop owner.

    • ''Why is it so expensive?''

    • ''Because it knows how to do legal research.''

    • ''What about the one in the middle? How much is that?''

    • ''One thousand dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.''

    • ''And how much is the third parrot?''

    • ''Five thousands dollars.''

    • ''What can it do that is so special?''

    • ''To be honest, I've never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.''


    • The Grievance
    • Robert was sitting in a bar looking thoroughly miserable. After a while the customer at the next table said, "Excuse me, but you look really depressed. What's the problem?"

    • "You may well ask," sighed Robert. "I'll tell you what the problem is. My mother died in March and left me 10,000 dollars."

    • "Gee, thats tough," said the customer sympathetically.

    • "Then in April," continued Robert, "my father died, leaving me 50,000 dollars."

    • "Im real sorry to hear that," said the customer. "Losing two parents in two months - no wonder youre depressed."

    • "And last month, added Robert, "my aunt died left me 15,000 dollars."

    • The customer shook his head in pity: "How terrible! Three close family members lost in three months!"

    • "Then this month, said Robert, "Nothing."
    • FUNNY  73
    • Romance Never Dies
    • An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

    • She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

    • Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

    • Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

    • Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."

    • Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

    • "Where are you going ?" she asked.

    • "To get my teeth!"
    • FUNNY  106
    • Chinese Jews!
    • Smith and Jones were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

    • "Smith," asked Jones, "are there any Jews in China?"

    • "I don't know," Smith replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

    • When the waiter came by, Jones asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

    • Waiter: "No Chinese Jews, Sir."

    • "Are you really sure?" Jones asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

    • The waiter replied exasperated, "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
    • COMMUNITIES  98
    • Blind Golfers!
    • A priest, a doctor and a lawyer were playing golf together one morning, but were stuck behind a particularly slow group. All three were complaining about how long the group were taking on each hole. Finally they spotted the green keeper, so they decided to have a word with him.

    • "That's a group of blind firefighters," explained the green keeper. "They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year. So we let them play here any time free of charge."

    • The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

    • The doctor said, "That's a good idea. And I'm going to consult all my textbooks to see if there isn't anything that can be done for them."

    • The lawyer said, "Why can't these guys play at night


    • Father of Nation!
    • God decided to encourage people to have fewer children and introduced an award scheme. During the procedure at one point, he concentrated on learning about the situation in India.

    • He first met Jawaharlal Nehru in heaven, and asked him how many children he had during his time on earth.

    • Nehru replied, "Only one!

    • Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God awarded Nehru with a Celestial Rolls Royce!

    • Indira Gandhi was next, and God asked the same question. She replied she had two children, and God thought, not too bad, so he gave her a BMW.

    • Dr. Radhakrishnan was next in line. God was not pleased to hear that he had six children, and gave him a Morris-8 as a kind of punishment.

    • Sometime later, the three (Nehru, Indira and Radhakrishnan) going around in their new cars, saw Mahatma Gandhi on foot!!! Wondering what went wrong; they asked why God hadn't been merciful with him.

    • The Mahatma replied in disgust, "God did not even ask me!!! Some idiots had told him that I am the Father of the Nation."
    • FUNNY  101
    • Job Interview!
    • A mallu woman went for a job interview for the post of a Secretary. The manager saw the woman's colourful clothes, gold jewellery, extra coconut oiled uncombed hair, and his mind was screaming: "NOT THIS WOMAN!!!"

    • Nevertheless, he had to interview her. So he told her, "If you make a sentence using all the words I give you, then maybe I'll give you a chance at the job! The words are: GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

    • The enthusiastic mallu, sat staring at the ceiling licking her lips thinking for a while.

    • She then let out a dorky laugh and said, "I hear the phone ring, GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW.... BLUE'S that?? Sorry WHITE did you say? Aiyo..... Wrong number!! Don't simbbly PURPLELY disturb ppl and don't call me BLACK next time wokay!!! OK... THANK YOU"

    • The Manager Fainted...
    • COMMUNITIES  141
    • Slipping Lion!
    • Santa came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend Banta, and told him of his adventures.

    • "I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops, and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

    • "The lion started gaining on me, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, and made towards it.

    • As I got close to the house, the lion was almost on top of me, when he slipped for a third time. With the very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

    • "Wow! That's some sorry," said Banta. "If I'd been in that situation, I would have shit my pants."

    • "Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON...???"
    • SANTABANTA  58
    • Too Tall!
    • A lady had a height problem, she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car. So she visited an expert.

    • The expert said, "Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!"

    • The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter.

    • She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home.

    • She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her.

    • The dwarf replied,: "No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too tall! No, 


    • Flying Turtle!
    • A tiny turtle began to climb a tree very slowly. Three hours later, it reached the top, climbed on to an outside branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground.

    • Saved by its shell, the tiny turtle started to climb the tree again. Four hours later, it reached the top, climbed on to a branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground.

    • Undaunted, the tiny turtle tried again. Four hours later, it reached the top, climbed to a branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground.

    • Undaunted, the tiny turtle tried again. This time it took five hours to climb to the top of the tree. Once there, it stumbled on to an outside branch, jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground. As the tiny turtle dusted itself down for yet another laborious ascent of the tree, two birds were watching from above.

    • The female bird turned to the male and said, ''Darling, don't you think it's time we told him he's adopted?''
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • Genealogy!
    • A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

    • The mother answered, "God made Adam took one of his ribs and made Eve. They lived in the Garden of Eden till a snake gave Eve an apple which she and Adam took a bite from and they were thrown out into the world naked and alone. They had children and so was all mankind made."

    • Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

    • The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?"

    • The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Empty Head!
    • A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood.

    • Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."

    • "Yes, sir," the class said.

    • "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

    • Pappu shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
    • PAPPU   
    • Caught Speeding!
    • A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting.

    • Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULL OVER!"

    • "NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF


    • Innocence is Bliss!
    • A little four year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

    • The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a comic book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

    • His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

    • Billy says, "I'm fine, mummy... I just haven't done it yet."

    • Mother says, "OK, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

    • Billy says, "It works on the ketchup bottle!"
    • CHILDREN  71
    • Who's Problem is it Really?
    • Banta feared his wife Preeto wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

    • The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    • "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

    • That evening, Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Banta was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens."

    • Then in a normal tone he asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"

    • No response.

    • Banta moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"

    • Still no response.

    • Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"

    • Again he gets no response.

    • So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, and asks, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"

    • Again there is no response.

    • So he walks right up behind her, "Preeto ji, what's for dinner?"

    • For God's sake, Banta ji, for the FIFTH time, "BIRYANI!"
    • SANTABANTA  137
    • My Son-in-Law is an Angel
    • One mother in law to another, "I heard that both your son and daughter have been married off - how are they?"

    • "Oh, my daughter in law is really not that good. She sleeps late and expects my son to make the morning coffee. She does not cook, wants my son to take her out to eat more."

    • "But my son in law is an angel. He allows my daughter to stay late in bed, even makes bed coffee for her. Insists on taking my daughter out to eat so often. I tell you, I don't know what to do with my daughter in law."
    • MARRIAGE  51
    • The Last Hope!
    • Santa had just finished collecting the rents from the tenants in his apartment block. But when he got home he realized that his wallet was missing and burst into tears.

    • "What's the matter?" asked his wife.

    • "I've lost my wallet containing 25 thousand rupees," he wailed. "I think I put it in my inside coat pocket, but it's not there now."

    • "Did you look in the pockets of your pants?"

    • "Yes, but the money isn't there either."

    • "What about the side pocket of your jacket? Did you look there?"

    • "Of course not!" he snapped. "Do you want me to lose the last bit of hope I have left?"


    • Divine Frog
    • A family is driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.

    • The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

    • The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

    • The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.

    • The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

    • Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.

    • The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
    • FUNNY  39
    • Bragging Girlfriend!
    • Ruth took her boyfriend Bernie home to meet her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Bloom.

    • "What do you do for a living?" asked Mr. Bloom.

    • "I own some property," replied Bernie.

    • "Some property!" exclaimed Ruth. "He owns a chain of fast-rising retail stores."

    • "And where do you live?" asked Mrs. Bloom.

    • "I've got an apartment in town."

    • "An apartment!" cried Ruth. "He has a luxury apartment in the most sought-after block in Manhattan."

    • "And what are your prospects?" inquired Mr. Bloom.

    • "I'm hoping to expand!" said Bernie.

    • "Expand!" interrupted Ruth. "He's planning to buy Bloomingdale's!"

    • Just then Bernie sneezed.

    • "Have you got a cold?" asked Mrs. Bloom.

    • "A cold?" shrieked Ruth. "Bernie's got pneumonia!"
    • FUNNY  14
    • The Worst Day!!!
    • There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.

    • The truck driver turned and said, "Come on Man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

    • "No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with my best friend."

    • The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and come to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!"
    • BAR  26
    • A Scotch Please
    • The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

    • The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

    • The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars."

    • The guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

    • A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

    • The bartender says, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

    • The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

    • The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

    • The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

    • To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch.


    • Pint of Brandy
    • Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store.

    • One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and said, "Oh Jack, give me pint of the brandy."

    • "Sister Mary Katherine,' exclaimed Jack, 'I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

    • "Oh jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

    • So, Jack sold her the brandy. Latter that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

    • A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

    • Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
    • RELIGION  48
    • Mistaken Identity!
    • A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying, "Good evening."

    • He could not remember ever having seen her before.

    • She evidently realized that she had made a mistake, for she apologized and explained: "Oh, I 'm so sorry. When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children."

    • She walked on while the man stared after her. She did not realize, of course, that he was unaware of the fact that she was a school teacher.
    • FUNNY  56
    • Complimentary!
    • A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink. Other than the bartender, there's no one else in the place.

    • All of a sudden he hears a voice say, 'Nice suit.'

    • He looks around and doesn't see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses.

    • A little while later the same voice says, 'Nice tie.'

    • The guy looks around again and doesn't see anyone. He finally asks the bartender if he just said something.

    • 'No,' replied the bartender, "it wasn't me. It was probably the peanuts though. They're complimentary.'
    • BAR  44
    • Learn to Trust your Husband...
    • There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband, for example...

    • A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    • Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    • "Hi Darling," he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, 'Hello' to them


    • A Red Duck
    • A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

    • On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Pappu, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

    • After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Pappu, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

    • Young Pappu replied with, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
    • PAPPU  71
    • Unbeatable Logic!
    • Santa decided to study for the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, one of his friends came home.

    • Friend: Santa, how is your MBA preparation?

    • Santa: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

    • Friend: Logic is very easy.

    • Santa: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand?

    • Friend: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

    • Santa: YES.

    • Friend: Logically, there will be water in it.

    • Santa: YES.

    • Friend: Logically, there will be fish in it.

    • Santa: YES.

    • Friend: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

    • Santa: YES.

    • Friend: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

    • Santa: YES.

    • Friend: so, logically, your are married.

    • Santa: YES.

    • Friend: So, that means you are a heterosexual.

    • Santa was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Banta who was also preparing for MBA.

    • Santa: How is your MBA preparation?

    • Banta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

    • Santa: Oh, logic is easy.

    • Banta: Please, give me an example.

    • Santa: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

    • Banta: NO, I don't.

    • Santa: Oh my God! That means you're gay!
    • SANTABANTA  308
    • Deadbeat in a Bar
    • A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn't like it!"

    • So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?"

    • The man said, "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"

    • The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it."

    • "As a matter of fact I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!"

    • The bartender said, "Your only son I presume!!"
    • BAR  28
    • Sneaky Lawyer
    • A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

    • "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

    • "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

    • The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
    • ====================================
    • Where's the Baby ?
    • With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

    • "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

    • "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

    • Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

    • "No, not yet," said the mother.

    • After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

    • "No, not yet," replied the mother.

    • Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

    • "WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.

    • "WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"

    • "BECAUSE........... I forgot where I put it!!!"
    • FUNNY   
    • A Girl or A Boy?
    • Two babies were lying in a blanket. The 1st baby to the 2nd, "Are you a girl or a boy?"

    • 2nd Baby: I don't know.

    • 1st Baby: OK wait, I shall go inside the blanket and check.

    • After sometime, the 1st baby came out and said, "You're a girl and I am a boy"!

    • 2nd Baby: How did you come to know?

    • 1st Baby: It's because you're wearing pink socks and I'm wearing blue.
    • .
    • ..
    • ...
    • Moral: You better change your thinking like the kids. You see, they're innocent unlike you!
    • CHILDREN   
    • Rough Flight!
    • A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

    • As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

    • To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
    • FUNNY   
    • Weekend Shopping!
    • Phone rings...

    • Girl: Hello.

    • Guy: My love how are you doing?

    • Girl: Am fine.

    • Guy: Will you be free during the weekend, you come to my house?

    • Girl: Am sorry, I can't make it because I will be attending my aunt's wedding and the next day I'l be busy, I'm so occupied.

    • Guy: Oh! Ok, was just planning to take you out for shopping, surprise you with an iPhone5, then buy you a new dress and the brazzilian hair you've been asking for...

    • Girl: I will be coming and I may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love.

    • Guy: What about the wedding?

    • Girl: Which wedding, I was joking...

    • Guy: Me too...




    • Santa on KBC!
    • Santa couldn't believe it - he'd made it to the last round of his favourite game show.

    • "Congratulations, Santa ji," said Big B. "Answer correctly and you go home with five crores!

    • "This is a two-part question on Punjab history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"

    • Santa figured he'd play it safe, "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."

    • Big B nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.

    • "Okay, Santa ji, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Night Out
    • Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

    • The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

    • The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

    • The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"

    • The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Photo Finish!
    • An Army Officer was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she wants to break up as she is in love with someone else and wanted nothing further to do with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted pictures of herself back.

    • So the Officer does what any squared away Officer would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

    • He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: 'I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you.'
    • FUNNY   
    • Take The Soup
    • Santa was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.

    • At 2 PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

    • Again, at 5 PM and 7 PM, they tried, and both times Santa turned down the soup, so they gave up.

    • In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3 AM, 4 AM, and 6 AM and gave him an enema each time.

    • When Santa got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, Jeeto, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your


    • We Are Not Dead!
    • Two little boys stole a bag of mangoes from their neighbor and decided to go to a calm place to share the loot.

    • One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 mangoes fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

    • Few minuets latter a drunkard on his way from a local bar passes near the cemetery gate and heard a voice: "One for me, one for you."One for me, one for you."

    • He immediately sobers up and runs as fast as he can to the local priest.

    • "Father father please come with me, come and witness God & Satan sharing corpse at the cemetery."

    • They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you...

    • Suddenly the voice stop counting and says: "Hey, What about the two at the gate?"

    • The priest and the drunkard took to their heels shouting, "We are not dead yet... we are not dead yet... we are not dead yet..."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Blonde Goes Flying
    • A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

    • After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in, "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

    • After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

    • A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

    • When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
    • BLONDES   
    • Do You Believe?
    • One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.

    • On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

    • The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

    • "We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.

    • "But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

    • "Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"
    • RELIGION   
    • Wife's Photo
    • Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    • Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    • Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    • Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'




    • Psychiatric Hotline
    • Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

    • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

    • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    • If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
    • FUNNY   
    • Playing Safe
    • A priest was preparing a dying man for his 'long day's journey into night'.

    • Whispering firmly, the priest says, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

    • The dying man says nothing.

    • The priest repeats his order again.

    • Still, the dying man says nothing.

    • The priest asks, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

    • The dying man replies, "Until I know exactly where I'm headed, I don't think it's such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet."
    • RELIGION   
    • Good Contacts
    • This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.

    • When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to give you a ticket."

    • The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

    • The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, I'm giving you a ticket."
    • FUNNY   
    • First Family Planning Lesson
    • Anna, 6 years old, gets home from school. She just had her first family planning lesson at school.

    • Her mother, very interested, asks, " How did it go?"

    • "I died of shame!" She answers!

    • "Why?" Her Mother asked.

    • Anna said, "Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

    • Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed?"

    • "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"


    • An Angry Wife!
    • An angry wife to her husband on phone.

    • Wife: Where the hell are you ?

    • Husband: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it ?

    • Wife (relaxed) : Yes, my dear!

    • Husband: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day and I said I will buy it for you one day ?

    • Wife (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush) : Yes I remember my love!

    • Husband: Good, I am in a beer parlour next to that shop!
    • MARRIAGE  266
    • A Man of His Word!
    • The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house.

    • "You did a great job," he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

    • The painter thanked him and agreed to do that. Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter.

    • Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

    • "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm a man of my word. I'm here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
    • FUNNY  59
    • Cheating Wives!
    • A guy sits in a taxi and sees his wife entering a hotel with another man, and tells the driver, "Do you want to earn Rs 5000 right away?"

    • The driver excitedly said, "What do I have to do?"

    • "Bring my wife by the hair out of that hotel, here's a picture of her."

    • After a while the driver is seen dragging a woman by the hair, while kicking and beating her and puts her in the Taxi.

    • And the husband says to him, "This is not my wife."

    • The driver replied, "Nooooo, this is mine, hold her for me. I'm going for yours!"
    • MARRIAGE  199
    • Neighbour's Wife
    • Banta has been admiring his neighbor's wife. The neighbor's wife always gives him this seductive smile whenever they greet each other. Banta didn't know how to approach the lady to tell her of his desires because she's married. So, one day the lady herself approached Banta alone in his apartment.

    • Banta: Hi.

    • Lady: Hi.

    • Banta: Is everything alright?

    • Lady: Yes. Just need little help from you (Smiling seductively).

    • Banta: Wow! Anything for the angel.

    • Lady: I...I...I...jus­t don't know how to say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask and you say no.

    • Banta: Oh my lady, you don't have to. I am ready to do anything for you.

    • Lady: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled.

    • Banta: Yes! Yes! Yes!

    • Lady: And even when he's around, he has some... (pause for a while) he has some disabilities.

    • Banta: Oh poor you. You must have been going through hell!

    • Lady: I know you'll be stronger than him.

    • Banta: Sure.

    • Lady: Can you help me?

    • Banta: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if you are ready.

    • Lady: Oh thank goodness! That's why I came to you. Can you help me carry our deep freezer from our kitchen to the next street for repairs



    • Crazy Love!
    • A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors. Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.

    • "I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told his guide.

    • The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window.

    • "This is a sad case," said the man.

    • The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing, "William," she repeated over and over. "Oh, William!"

    • "She was to marry a man named William," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

    • They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket, shrieking insanely, "William! William!"

    • "Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost William also."

    • "No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"
    • MARRIAGE  21
    • Deeper Hole!
    • The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight-feet-deep. After the job was completed, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed.

    • "Fill it up," he ordered.

    • The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top.

    • He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted.

    • "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
    • FUNNY  8
    • What's in a Name?
    • It was this little girl's first day at a new school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

    • She replied, "Happy Butt."

    • The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

    • So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

    • And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

    • The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

    • After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

    • Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!"
    • CHILDREN  100
    • Post-Operative Shock
    • A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

    • Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

    • The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."



    • Things Indian movies taught us:
    • 1. Atleast one of the identical twins born is evil.

    • 2. While defusing a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut, you will always choose the right one.

    • 3. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up, but will show pain when a woman is trying to clean his wound.

    • 4. A police can solve a case only when he's suspended from duty.

    • 5. (best one) If you decide to start dancing on the street, every one you meet will know the step...!!

    • 6. Hero comes on time when it comes to save heroine while he will be always late when it comes to his Sister.
    • FUNNY  217
    • Pappu's Honesty
    • A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping. It was found by Pappu and returned to her.

    • Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny and strange. When I lost my bag there was a 500 rupee note in it. Now there are ten 50 rupee notes."

    • Pappu quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
    • PAPPU  170
    • Learning from TV ads
    • 1. Kareena has dandruff problem, Katrina has dry hair problem, Shilpa has hairfall problem and Priyanka has chip-chip.

    • 2. If you've a hot wife make sure your neighbor doesn't use a deodorant in your absence.

    • 3. Your complexion is more important than your qualifications.

    • 4. Saif Ali Khan din bhar Appy Fizz & Lays khata hai and still Bade Aaram Se FIT rehta hai.

    • 5. If there is no salt in your kitchen you can use Toothpaste.

    • 6. You can change your country by drinking Tata Tea.

    • 7. Every second oral care brand is No. 1 and recommended by every dentist in India!!!

    • 8. If your daughter is not Ready to Get married.., take her to a jewellery shop.

    • 9. Only reason why men use deodorant is to get girls.

    • 10. Most colas cure all kinds of phobias. You will be close to a superman, if you drink these regularly!!
    • FUNNY  266
    • The Nervous Surgeon
    • An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

    • As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

    • "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

    • "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.



    • Comforting a Patient!
    • A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

    • A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

    • He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

    • "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

    • "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
    • DOCTORS  137
    • Good Appetite!
    • They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

    • As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.

    • She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.

    • Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"

    • "Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."
    • FUNNY  19
    • Perfect Spouse
    • A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

    • The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"

    • "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

    • The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the result to the woman.

    • The result read, "Buy a television."
    • MARRIAGE  38
    • Expensive Studies!
    • A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 100 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 75.

    • "Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

    • A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 50.

    • "What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me Rs. 100 every day, then Rs. 75 and now only Rs. 50. What's the problem?"

    • "Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

    • "And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

    • "Four," the man replies.

    • "Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense
    • =========================
    • Well Behaved Kids!
    • A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

    • "Professionally employed?" he asked.

    • "We're a military family," the wife answered.

    • "Children?"

    • "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

    • "Animals?"

    • "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
    • FUNNY  33
    • The Secret
    • Smith went on a date in a brand new Range Rovers Sport ride with his new girlfriend of 1 month....

    • Smith: I have been hiding a secret from you and I think you'll break up with me if I tell you the truth.

    • Girl : What is that my love ?

    • Smith: Am already married and have 3 kids....

    • Girl: (Pat him on the lap and hissed) You scared a Hell out of me... I thought you wanted to say this beautiful car is not yours....
    • FUNNY  97
    • Focus Hard!
    • Teacher: What is the name of the capital city of Punjab ?

    • Pappu: Amritsar.

    • Teacher: Pappu, you are wrong, you need to focus more on your studies.

    • Pappu: Please madam, can I ask you a few questions.

    • Teacher: Yes, go ahead.

    • Pappu: Do you know Jeeto ?

    • Teacher: No.

    • Pappu: Do you know Preeto ?

    • Teacher: No.

    • Pappu: Do you know Banto?

    • Teacher: (Angry) Hell no! Who are all these people and why do you ask ?

    • Pappu: Teacher, you need to Focus more on your husband.
    • PAPPU  388
    • The Definition of Slow!
    • Santa was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job center he was offered work at the local Zoo.

    • When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.

    • Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Santa was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.

    • "Where are the tortoises?" he asked him.

    • "I can't believe it," said Santa. "I just opened the door and then.....Whooooo


    • Where are You?
    • The Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?

    • Wife: At home love.

    • Husband: Are you sure?

    • Wife: Yes.

    • Husband : Turn on the blender

    • Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee...

    • Husband: Ok my love goodbye.

    • Another day...

    • Jealous husband: My wife, where are you?

    • Wife: At home love. Husband: Are you sure?

    • Wife: Yes.

    • Husband: Turn on the blender.

    • Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee...

    • Husband: Ok my love goodbye. The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him, "Son where is your mother?"

    • Son: "I do not know, she went out with blender...
    • MARRIAGE  171
    • Dumb or Smart?
    • Little Johnny enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

    • The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls Little Johhny over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

    • Little Johnny takes the quarters and leaves.

    • "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

    • Later, when the customer leaves, he sees Little Johnny coming out of the ice cream store.

    • "Hey! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

    • Little Johnny licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over."
    • LITTLE JOHNNY  41
    • Romantic Dinner!
    • On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

    • "How romantic!" she thought.

    • Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried blonde husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

    • "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker."

    • "Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

    • "More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
    • MARRIAGE  13
    • Cheating with us!
    • Distance between Chandigarh and Delhi = 260 kms

    • Distance between Delhi and Chandigarh = 260 kms

    • Ground Floor to 15thFloor = 15 floors

    • 15th Floor to Ground Floor = 15 floors

    • Monday to Friday = 5 days

    • Friday to Monday = 2 days

    • THIS IS CHEATING


    • Stop Sign!
    • A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

    • "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

    • She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
    • FUNNY  20
    • Man Discovers and Woman Enjoys...
    • The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
    • The woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

    • The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
    • The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

    • What men invented that women enjoys?

    • The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
    • The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

    • The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
    • The woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

    • The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
    • The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

    • The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
    • The woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

    • The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
    • The woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

    • The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
    • The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING,
    • Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
    • While the women STUCK to shopping.
    • FUNNY  141
    • Talking to God!
    • Teacher fell asleep in class and Little Johnny walked up to him.

    • Little Johnny, "Teacher are you sleeping in class?"

    • Teacher, "No I am not sleeping in class."

    • Little Johnny, "What were you doing sir ?"

    • Teacher, "I was talking to God."

    • The next day Little Johnny fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...

    • Teacher, "Johnny, you are sleeping in my class."

    • Little Johnny, "No not me sir, I am not sleeping."

    • Angry teacher, "What were you doing.??"

    • Little Johnny, "I was talking to God."

    • Angry teacher, "What did He say??"

    • Little Johnny, "God said He never spoke to you yesterday..."
    • LITTLE JOHNNY  229
    • Seven Impossible Things to say when Drunk:
    • 1. No thanks, I'm married.

    • 2. Nope, no more booze for me!

    • 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

    • 4. I'm not interested in fighting you.

    • 5. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

    • 6. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

    • 7. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.


    • Shoe tongue!
    • A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

    • "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

    • "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

    • The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

    • "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

    • "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
    • FUNNY   
    • Vending Machine
    • There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it and put the change in her purse.

    • She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the change and put it in her purse.

    • Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.

    • Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you so long?"

    • She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"
    • BLONDES   
    • Squirrels' Nuts
    • During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

    • "You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

    • "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Blonde Secretary!
    • The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the blonde secretary on the ground floor for an important file.

    • Since it was rather urgent the boss told the secretary it was an emergency and that she should hurry with the file.

    • After more than 30 minutes the blonde clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

    • The Boss asks him why she was panting and what caused the huge delay.

    • The blonde secretary replies, "Sir, when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase



    • Stunt Driver!!!
    • The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

    • A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

    • "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"

    • "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am... a stunt driver?"
    • BAR  42
    • Because Because Because
    • Someone was at a party when he started boasting to the local journalists that his command of English language was better than that of the average journalist's.

    • An editorial writer didn't take too kindly to that and said, "Well, I'll bet you $100 that I can stump you."

    • "I accept your wager," he said.

    • "I'll bet you can't use the word 'because' three times consecutively in a sentence. That is my challenge!"

    • After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction. You lose."
    • FUNNY  47
    • Talking to the Dead
    • A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

    • The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

    • The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

    • "Yes granddaughter, it's me."

    • "It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

    • "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

    • The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

    • "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

    • The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

    • "Anything, my child."

    • "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
    • FUNNY  39
    • Interview with Chris Gayle's son
    • Beta, which standard are you in?
    • -SIX

    • And how far is your school?
    • - At a distance of 10 SIXES from home.

    • Okay, tell me how much is a dozen?
    • - 2 SIXES

    • How many months are in a year?
    • - 2 SIXES

    • How many days are in a month?
    • - 5 SIXES

    • Umm... ok, I wanna talk to your father, can you give me his no


    • A Great Physician
    • A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

    • "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

    • The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced, "I'm back!"

    • Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
    • DOCTORS  72
    • Which Indian city...?
    • How to identify the city you are in...

    • Scenario 1: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on...
    • That's MUMBAI.

    • Scenario 2: Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up...
    • That's DELHI.

    • Scenario 3: Two guys fighting and third guy comes from a nearby house and says, "Don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else."
    • That's PUNE.

    • Scenario 4: Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a tea stall there.
    • That's AHEMDABAD.

    • Scenario 5: Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out & call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
    • You are in PUNJAB.

    • Scenario 6: Two guys fighting. Third guy comes and shoots both of them.
    • You are in WASSEYPUR.

    • Last Scenario: Two guys fighting third guy comes along with a carton of beer. All sit together drink beer and abuse each other and go home as friends.
    • You are definitely in GOA.
    • FUNNY  253
    • The Pearly Gates
    • St Peter was manning the pearly gates when 40 New Yorkers showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door before, St Peter thought he had better consult God. So he left the group at the gates and went off to find God.

    • "I've got 42 people from New York," said St Peter. "Is it safe to let them in?"

    • "New York, huh?" mused God. "We certainly don't want heaven overrun with New Yorkers. Why don't you just admit the ten most virtuous?"

    • St Peter went back to relay the news but a few minutes later returned to God in a state of anxiety.

    • "What's happened?" asked God.

    • "They've gone," gasped St Peter. 

    • "What, all of the New Yorkers?"

    • "No, the pearly gates!"
    • COMMUNITIES  47
    • Facts about Women!
    • Seven complicated facts about Women:

    • 1. They believe in saving.

    • 2. Believe in saving but buy expensive clothes.

    • 3. Buy expensive clothes but never have anything to wear.

    • 4. Never have anything to wear, but always dressed beautifully.

    • 5. Always dressed beautifully, but never satisfied.

    • 6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to compliment them.

    • 7. Expect men to compliment, but don't believe them if complemented.

    • Extremely Complicated!



    • Shortage Of Parachutes!
    • A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the Pope, and a pilot were on a plane.

    • The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.

    • The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.

    • The pope told the brunette to take the last one.

    • The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
    • BLONDES   
    • Definitely Warm!
    • John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.

    • He said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

    • To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

    • "Really?" he said excitedly.

    • "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."

    • John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
    • FUNNY   
    • Father's Ashes
    • On his first visit to a girl's house, a guy waited in the living room while she prepared a snack in the kitchen.

    • Left alone, he noticed a small, attractive vase on the mantelpiece. He picked it up and was looking at it when the girl walked back in.

    • "What's this?" he asked.

    • "Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she said.

    • "Oh! I'm so sorry..."

    • "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen and get an ashtray."
    • FUNNY   
    • Paint Job
    • There was a married blonde who was very concerned about her stupidity to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he's at work.

    • When her husband came home, the house was suspiciously green and smelled like paint, so he went to her wife to see what's going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting while she was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket.

    • The husband said, "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?"

    • The blonde responds, "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"



    • Young Wife!
    • A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.

    • When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

    • "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"

    • "Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Obituary!
    • Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.

    • One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

    • "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

    • Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

    • "Brad, open the newspaper to page 5."

    • "Why, what's in the paper?"

    • "Brad, get the paper and open it to page 5 now!"

    • "Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 5?"

    • "Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

    • "Why? What's that story on?"

    • "Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

    • "Ok, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

    • Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Blind Date!
    • Santa sets up Banta to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Banta is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

    • "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Banta, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

    • "Don't worry." Santa says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

    • So that night, Banta knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Banta's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Speeding ticket!
    • Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    • Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    • Woman: Oh, I see.

    • Officer: Can I see your license please?

    • Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    • Officer: Don't have one?

    • Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    • Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    • Woman: I can't do that.

    • Officer: Why not?

    • Woman: I stole this car.

    • Officer: Stole it?

    • Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    • Officer: You what?

    • Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    • The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    • Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    • Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    • Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

    • Woman: Murdered the owner?

    • Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.

    • The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    • Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    • Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    • The officer is quite stunned.

    • Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

    • The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    • Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

    • Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding too





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