cute funny quotes now 2017

The first time I sang in the church c~hoir; two hundred people changed their religion
― Fred Allen
most funny quotes

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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy a~nd I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too― Rodney Dan~gerfield
cute funny quotes
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height
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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter
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I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying
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Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair
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Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything!
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
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Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
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My advice to you is to get married. ~If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher
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The old believe everything; the mid~dle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything
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My father was stupid. He w~orked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens
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Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go
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Everybody who is incapable of lear~ning has taken to teaching

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Whenever I’m caught betwe~en two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.― Mae West
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I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter
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Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary
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Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

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My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.― Bob Thaves
cute funny quotes on stupidity
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
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You know you're getting old whe~n the candles cost more than the cake
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The best way to get rid of a telemar~keter is to ask them what they are wearing
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When you come to a fork in the ~road, take it
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Last night I dreamed I ate a te~n-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone
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I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew
funniest quotes

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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else

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Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others― Confucius
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Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know
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I can resist everything except temptation
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Marriage is the trium~ph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
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Marriage is popular because it~ combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity

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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage
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If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married

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All tragedies are finished by a death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage
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Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl

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I believe in love and marriage, but~ not necessarily with the same person
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I never knew what real hap~piness was until I got married; by then it was too late
most funny quotes about marriage
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Men are April when they w~oo, December when they wed

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Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher

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The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
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When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her
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Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
best funny quotes on wedding

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Marriage is too interesting an ex~periment to be tried only once

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Marriage is a community consistin~g of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two
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A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries
most funny quotes about ~marriage

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If it weren't for marriage~, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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Dammit, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure

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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married
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Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them

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Marriage halves our joys, ~doubles our griefs, and quadruples our expenses
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One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry

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My wife and I have the sec~ret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesday~s, I go Fridays.
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Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed

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The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do”
best funny quotes on wedding

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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse

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To keep your marriage brimmi~ng, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up
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About 80% of married m~en cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
most funny quotes about marriage
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight
― Phyllis Diller
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
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He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of
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I have always thought that every woman should marry, and no man

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A girl must marry for love, and ke~ep on marrying until she finds it
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I was married by a judge. I should~ have asked for a jury

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A man in love is incomplete until h~e has married. Then he's finished
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Men are April when they woo~, December when they wed

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When a man steals you~r wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her― Sacha Guitry
funny quotes on men
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When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one
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About 80% of married men cheat on their wives. The rest cheat in their dreams
best funny quotes about men
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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV
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If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer
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For just one night let’s not be ~co-workers. Let's be co-people

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Time wounds all heels ~― Go West
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I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend
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A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti
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Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!
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Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place
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Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes
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When a man steals your wife, there is no~ better revenge than to let him keep her
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every ~time I leave a man I keep his house

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Whatever you may look lik~e, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight― Phyllis Diller
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong
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I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't
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Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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A successful man is one who makes more ~money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man

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There are only three things women need i~n life: food, water, and compliments
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A woman can say more in a sigh~ than a man can say in a sermon

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As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied
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Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world

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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it
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Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly

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Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
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I love deadlines. I love the whooshing no~ise they make as they go by
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I always arrive late at the office, but I ~make up for it by leaving early

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By working faithfully eight ho~urs a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day
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All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work

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Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion
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I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after

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I love deadlines. I love th~e whooshing noise they make as they go by
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I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early

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If I had to live my life ag~ain, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more pro~of― Rodney Dangerfield
Humorous Quotes
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars
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The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby
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Men are like bank accounts. The m~ore money, the more interest they generate
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Do not worry about avoiding t~emptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
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One man's folly is another man's wife.
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As a child my family's men~u consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
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Bachelors think that 'marriage' is a word. Married people know that it's actually a sentence
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He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
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My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
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Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French
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An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, car~ing, close knit family in another city
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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children
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Laugh and the world laughs wi~th you, snore and you sleep alone
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Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading― Henny Youngman
short and most funny quotes
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left
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A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband
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By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong
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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick
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The reason grandparents and grandchildren get ~along so well is that they have a common enemy
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The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, an~d the second half by our children
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, c~lose-knit family in another city
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It's not true that I had nothing on. I ha~d the radio on
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
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Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French
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It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours
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I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant
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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
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A woman worries about the future until she gets~ a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife

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Love is talking about having children.~ Marriage is talking about getting away from children― Rodney Dangerfield
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Men have a better time than women; for one thin~g, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free
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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others
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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me
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Happiness is having a large, loving, carin~g, close-knit family in another city
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Recession is when a neighbor loses his jo~b. Depression is when you lose yours.
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All generalizations are false, including this one
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I don't care what is written about me as long ~as it isn't true
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By trying we can easily endure adversity. Anoth~er man's, I mean
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One of the keys to happiness is a bad me~mory
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When we talk to God, we're praying.~ When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic
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Always remember that you are abs~olutely unique. Just like everyone else
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People who think they know every~thing are a great annoyance to those of us who do
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