DAD JOKES STATUS


  • I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself around.

  • Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • I asked a French man if he played video games. He said "wii"

  • What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows.

  • The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

  • Me: "Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter." Doctor: "I don't follow you."

  • Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.

  • I thought about going on an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts.

  • I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

  • Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

  • I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

  • What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.

  • A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

  • Dad: "Knock Knock" Me: "Who's there?" Dad: "Europe" Me: "Europe Who?" Dad: "No ur a poo hahaha"

  • A horse is a very stable animal.

  • I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click.

  • The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar.

  • When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

  • For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

  • I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company. It was soda pressing.

  • Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food's great, but there's no atmosphere.

  • What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

  • Steak puns...they're a rare-medium, well done.

  • I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

  • I have a fear of speed bumps. I'm slowly getting over it.

  • I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time consuming.

  • Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.

  • A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.

  • I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but it came back to me.

  • How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

  • Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a bridge in Paris? He was in Seine.

  • "Hey, Dad, whats this movie about?" It's about two hours.

  • What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

  • Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.

  • Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner. Me: Why? Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!

  • I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

  • Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy.

  • How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

  • What's brown and sticky? A stick.

  • "I hate oyings." "What is an oying?" "This joke."

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up.

  • My sea sickness comes in waves.

  • I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.

  • What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.

  • People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

  • Without geometry life is pointless.

  • "My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful"

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

  • Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.




  • What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.

  • Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

  • Dad: what are you drinking, son? Me: Soy milk. Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.

  • Velcro? What a rip-off.

  • You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

  • What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam!

  • "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."

  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

  • Conjunctivitis - A site for sore eyes.

  • How do you organize a space party? You planet.

  • A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

  • What do you call an alligator who wears a vest? An investigator.

  • I invented a new type of broom. It's sweeping the nation.

  • A bug hits the windshield while driving. Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.

  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

  • The rotation of earth really makes my day.

  • Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

  • I went to a movie about cheese. It was G-Rated.

  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

  • How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.

  • When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.

  • Whiteboards ... are remarkable.

  • What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

  • Why was 3 afraid of 2? Because it killed every one.

  • I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.

  • A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

  • What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison

  • The number of people saying 'boo!" to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year...That's a frightening statistic.

  • How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.

  • Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into a lens grinder and made a a spectacle of himself?

  • What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

  • What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

  • Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.

  • I have kleptomania...but when it gets bad I take something for it.

  • Comedians who tell too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

  • How do snails fight? They slug it out.

  • A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

  • Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

  • Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.

  • I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a rap really.

  • What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

  • I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.

  • Can February March? No, But April May.

  • A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm. Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash? Duck: Put it on my bill.

  • I heard there was a new store called moderation. They have everything in there.

  • I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night. It was just a Fanta sea.

  • What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orcha-stra.

  • How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


  • Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.

  • What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

  • Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.

  • All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.

  • The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

  • If a pig loses it's voice is it disgruntled?

  • Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  • I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.

  • A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  • It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.

  • My wife swallowed a typewriter. Now he's suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
  • The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

  • How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

  • A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
  • "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  • Why can't your nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot.

  • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
  • "Does this taste funny to you?"

  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

  • A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
  • He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
  • The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

  • The bicyclist would ride 30 miles every morning, and 30 more every evening. He was into recycling.

  • I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

  • A broken pencil is pointless.

  • Dad: "Do you socks have holes in them?" Me: "No" Dad: "Then how do you get your fit in?"

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