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funny new quotes best 2016

  1. The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
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  3. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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  5. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
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  7. I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
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  9. I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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  11. Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
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  13. People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.
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  15. In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
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  17. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
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  19. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
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  21. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
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  23. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
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  25. No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
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  27. Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
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  29. Life is just one damned thing after another.
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  31. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
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  33. A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
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  35. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
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  37. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
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  39. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
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  41. China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
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  43. There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
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  45. That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
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  47. When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
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  49. Never accept a drink from a urologist.
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  51. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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  53. The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
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  55. You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
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  57. Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
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  59. The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
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  61. It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
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  63. By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
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  65. With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
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  67. He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
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  69. When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
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  71. No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
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  73. A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
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  75. Happy birthday. I guess we’ve reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by “for someone your age.
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  77. The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
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  79. The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.
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  81. The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
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  83. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
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  85. Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
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  87. Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
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  89. He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
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  91. The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
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  93. I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
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  95. Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
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  97. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
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  99. My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
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  101. Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
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  103. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
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  105. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

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  107. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
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  109. I told a chem@istry joke few days back. It didn’t get a reaction.
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  111. Humor is rea@son gone mad.
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  113. A joke is a very serious thing.
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  115. Life’s a gamble and I’m calling its bluff.
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  117. Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
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  119. A wise man @@washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn’t pee on his hands.
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  121. Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
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  123. A sense of @@humor is a major defense against minor troubles.
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  125. The worst !!thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau...
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  127. Life is !!unsure; always eat your dessert first.
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  129. When !!everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
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  131. Work is !!fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
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  133. My way of !!joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
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  135. The world is a !!tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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  137. I love children, e!!specially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
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  139. Life would be !!infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
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  141. I used to eat !!a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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  143. A sense of !!humor is the ability to understand a joke and that the joke is oneself.
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  145. A !!prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
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  147. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
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  149. I have always @@noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
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  151. If there is a “@@WILL”, there are 500 relatives.
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  153. Analyzing @@humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
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  155. If I have@@ not seen as far as others, it is because there were giants standing on my shoulders.
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  157. Angels can fly @@because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
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  159. Everything is !!changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
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  161. There are t!!hree sides of an arguement — your side, my side and the right side.
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  163. The only !!rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
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  165. Humor is !!our way of defending ourselves from life’s absurdities by thinking absurdly about them.
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  167. Someone !!who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
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  169. All !!generalizations are false, including this one.
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  171. A person w!!!ithout a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.
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  173. A well developed !!sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
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  175. The wit makes f!!!!!un of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
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  177. Everything !!human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
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  179. Humor is a !!spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
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  181. Where !!humor is concerned there are no standards no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
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  183. A taste for irony has !!kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself.
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  185. Humor is a serious thing. !!I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.

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  187. Never ask a drunk !!man a question because he will tell you the truth.
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  189. I told my wife !!that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
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  191. If The Phone !Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.
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  193. Man was predestined !to have free will.
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  195. Love your enemies. It !makes them so damned mad.
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  197. !Have no fear of perfection you’ll never reach it.
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  199. !There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.
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  201. !If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
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  203. !If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
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  205. !Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
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  207. !Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
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  209. !When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
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  211. !A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
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  213. Our childhood is what we spend the rest of our lives overcoming.
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  215. A onion a day keeps everyone away.
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  217. No one is listening until you fart.
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  219. If you believe everything you read, better not read.
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  221. She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
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  223. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
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  225. He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
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  227. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
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  229. I failed Math so may times I can’t even count.
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  231. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
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  233. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
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  235. I guess a drag queen’s like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect.
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  237. I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
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  239. Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
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  241. Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
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  243. I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.
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  245. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
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  247. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
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  249. Home is the girl’s prison and the woman’s workhouse.
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  251. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
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  253. It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner.
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  255. An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
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  257. I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together.The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.
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  259. Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years,only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
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  261. I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
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  263. Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.
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  265. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

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  267. Murphy was an optimist.
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  269. Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
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  271. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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  273. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
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  275. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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  277. Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
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  279. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
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  281. My idea of an agreeable person, is a person who agrees with me.
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  283. When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
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  285. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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  287. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
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  289. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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  291. Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
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  293. A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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  295. You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
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  297. Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
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  299. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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  301. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
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  303. He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
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  305. Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
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  307. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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  309. Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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  311. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
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  313. I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
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  315. If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
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  317. Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
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  319. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
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  321. I usually need a can of beer to prime me.
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  323. You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
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  325. There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
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  327. There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters. I could be their leader.
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  329. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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  331. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
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  333. One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
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  335. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
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  337. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
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  339. A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
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