Funny Quotes and Sayings 2016

  1. I’ve got problem for your solution.
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  3. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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  5. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?
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  7. It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
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  9. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
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  11. The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
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  13. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
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  15. Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
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  17. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
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  19. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
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  21. Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
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  23. If more than one Mouse is Mice then more than one Spouse is SPICE..!!
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  25. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
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  27. Why did God create men? Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.
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  29. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
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  31. If it begins with a wink, it can end with a slap.
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  33. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
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  35. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
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  37. I can resist everything except temptation.
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  39. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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  41. Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.
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  43. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.
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  45. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
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  47. My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
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  49. It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
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  51. You never learn anything by doing it right.
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  53. To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
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  55. The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
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  57. Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
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  59. Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
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  61. Avoid hangovers stay drunk.
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  63. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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  65. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
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  67. To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
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  69. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
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  71. I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
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  73. I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone’s golf game. It’s called an eraser.
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  75. I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.
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  77. Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
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  79. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

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  81. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
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  83. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
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  85. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
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  87. I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
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  89. The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
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  91. It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can’t speak for my twin sister.
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  93. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
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  95. Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up
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  97. Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.
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  99. The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
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  101. Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
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  103. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
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  105. You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths.
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  107. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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  109. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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  111. Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
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  113. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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  115. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
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  117. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
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  119. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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  121. Age is a number and mine is unlisted.
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  123. After 30, a body has a mind of its own.
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  125. Boys are like bubble gum, sweet in the beginning, but dull in the end! 😀
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  127. I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.
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  129. The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
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  131. Women Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.
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  133. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
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  135. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
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  137. Most women are not as young as they are painted.
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  139. You can’t be late until you show up.
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  141. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
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  143. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
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  145. War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
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  147. Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life.
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  149. If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
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  151. What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
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  153. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – That’s because she changes it more often.
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  155. I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.
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  157. There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.
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  159. Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.

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  161. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
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  163. Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
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  165. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
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  167. My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of. Lord only knows.
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  169. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
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  171. Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
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  173. I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
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  175. Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
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  177. I like my whiskey old and my women young.
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  179. No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
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  181. It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
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  183. Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
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  185. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
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  187. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
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  189. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
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  191. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
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  193. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
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  195. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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  197. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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