funny quotes for whatsapp 2016


  • From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
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  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
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  • If your relatio!!nship has more issues than a magazine, I suggest you cancel that subscription.
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  • A skeptic is a per!!son who would ask God for his ID card.
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  • If all you say are lies what do you say that is true?
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  • I !!!!wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and you can never read his prescription.
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  • The !!Disney parks are scripted, and I hate that. Hate it. I think what they are doing down there in Orlando is fun-pimping.
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  • Beware the dark stranger! He rides a unicycle.
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  • H!!atred can become like food, it gives you this energy that you can, like, live off …
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  • !Adventures are never fun while you’re having them.
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  • I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
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  • Operator, give me the number for 911!
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  • It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
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  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
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  • I am not a vegeta@rian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
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  • All men are not home@less, but some men are home less than others.
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  • A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
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  • In my house I’m the @boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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  • Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
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  • The average dog@ is a nicer person than the average person.
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  • Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
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  • If it’s sent by @ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
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  • Happiness is the @china shop; love is the bull.
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  • All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
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  • When a man’s best @friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
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  • Always end the @name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
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  • You can have my @gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
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  • Put your hand @on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
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  • It wouldn’t @be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
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  • A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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  • I wo@uld stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.

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  • When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
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  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
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  • The New England Journal of @Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
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  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
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  • A good friend can tell you @what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
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  • Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
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  • A comedian does funny @things. A good comedian does things funny.
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  • The True Man wants 2 @things: DANGER & PLAY. For that reason he wants Woman, as the Most Dangerous Plaything.
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  • Never lend your car to @anyone to whom you have given birth.
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  • Marriage is tricky; @you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.
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  • The secret of @a happy marriage remains a secret.
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  • You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
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  • I speak two @languages, Body and English.
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  • My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
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  • God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls could flirt.
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  • Whenever s@omeone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
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  • The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
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  • Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
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  • You @know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
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  • I@ used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
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  • @I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
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  • Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
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  • @It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
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  • Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
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  • @Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
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  • Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
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  • You’re @slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
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  • One should love animals. They are so tasty.
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  • Politicians can do more funny things naturally than I can think of to do purposely.
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  • The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.
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  • Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
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  • Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
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  • If you are going through hell, keep going.
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  • Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
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  • My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
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  • The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
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  • Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
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  • By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
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  • The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
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  • There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
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  • I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.
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  • Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
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  • There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
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  • The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
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  • Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
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  • I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
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  • The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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  • Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
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  • Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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  • I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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  • I’m gonna put a curse on you and all your kids will be born completely naked.
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  • If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck.
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  • A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.
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  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
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  • No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
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  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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  • What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.
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  • Eggs have no business dancing with stones.
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  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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  • A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
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  • There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
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  • I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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  • If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war, just couple of nations not talking with each other.
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  • My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
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  • The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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  • Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
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  • Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
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  • The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
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  • Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

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  • Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
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  • Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.
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  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
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  • If the real world were a book, it would never find a publisher.
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  • Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
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  • The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
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  • I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere!
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  • Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
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  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
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  • The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.
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  • A woman is like a tea bag. She only knows her strength when put in hot water.
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  • Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.
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  • Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.
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  • Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man’s joke is always funny.
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  • A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
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  • Every mother hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did, and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did.
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  • Being a woman has only bothered me in climbing trees.
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  • If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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  • People compare cheating to ice because they think its cool.
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  • Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.
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  • A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.
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  • A baby sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars’ worth of your food.
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  • It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
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  • Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
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  • I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
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  • Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.
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  • How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
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  • Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
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  • I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
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  • I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
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  • Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
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  • Girls bored me, they still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.
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  • When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
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  • A line is a dot that went for a walk.
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  • It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.
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  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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  • There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
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  • I love u for pleasure…….If u want loyalty hire a dog
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  • A photographer & pessimist r the two people who always think abut negatives
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  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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  • Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
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  • @@Getting An Old Boyfriend Back With A Im Sorry Letter
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  • @You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
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  • @@A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
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  • @@A thunderstorm is God’s way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer.
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  • Funny is an attitude.
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  • @I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
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