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  1. Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after each other.
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  3. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
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  5. Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
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  7. I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
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  9. In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
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  11. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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  13. There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.
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  15. Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.
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  17. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
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  19. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
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  21. The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
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  23. Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.
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  25. When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
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  27. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
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  29. The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.
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  31. You get fifteen Democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.
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  33. California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.
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  35. At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer.
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  37. How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.
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  39. I’m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.
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  41. The road to success is always under construction.
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  43. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
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  45. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
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  47. If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.
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  49. Women sleep on the right side of the bed because even while sleeping they have to be right!
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  51. I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
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  53. If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.
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  55. I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
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  57. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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  59. When women go wrong, men go right after them.
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  61. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
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  63. I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it.
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  65. Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.
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  67. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
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  69. I finally figured out what mosquitoes are for – they are God’s way to make us slap ourselves!
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  71. Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.
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  73. The world is divided into people who do things – and people who get the credit.
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  75. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.
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  77. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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  79. When you see a homeless man, feel no pity. He should have listened to his wife.
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  81. The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.
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  83. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.
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  85. No man stands so straight as when he stoops to help a boy.
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  87. Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
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  89. art of the reason that men seem so much less loving than women is that men’s behavior is measured with a feminine ruler.
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  91. Some men have a den in their home, while others just growl all over the house.
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  93. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse’.
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  95. Macho doesn’t prove mucho.
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  97. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
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  99. It’s not the men in my life, it’s the life in my men.
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  101. Lord, lord, how subject we men are to this vice of lying.
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  103. They say women talk too much. If you have worked in Congress you know that the filibuster was invented by men.
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  105. Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they’ve had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.
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  107. The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
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  109. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
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  111. The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
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  113. I’ve dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
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  115. Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
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  117. Men are clinging to football on a level we aren’t even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It’s our Alamo.
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  119. God made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I’ve ever met.
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  121. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
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  123. Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
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  125. My wife told me the other day that I don’t take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station. 
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  127. When a couple is arguing over who loves who more, the one that gives up is the real winner.
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  129. Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.
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  131. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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  133. One day my wife’s credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!
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  135. If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
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  137. No, please don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids,eat them.
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  139. The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.
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  141. After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
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  143. Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married.
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  145. When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink.

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  147. All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
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  149. A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted
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  151. “Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.
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  153. When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
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  155. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
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  157. A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it.
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  159. One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
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  161. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
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  163. Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!
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  165. Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
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  167. Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.
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  169. I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.
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  171. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
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  173. Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose.
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  175. I hold several records on the golf course, but they all pertain to beer.
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  177. My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card.
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  179. The difference between a great golfer and an average golfer is not that a great golfer is incapable of hitting a poor shot, it is what he does after that shot.
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  181. They named it GOLF because all the other Four- Letter words were taken.
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  183. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that’s not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.
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  185. Everybody’s funny if you love them.
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  187. You could knock my teeth out and break my nose, and there’d be something funny about it to me.
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  189. For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.
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  191. Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.
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  193. The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.
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  195. I have funny bones. If there’s ever any kind of tension, I’ll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.
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  197. As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.
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  199. It’s funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.
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  201. It’s funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I’m not that. I don’t want to be that.
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  203. People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?’
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  205. I’m always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny.
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  207. Stealing, you’ll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.
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  209. I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.
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  211. You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.
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  213. It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
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  215. If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
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  217. I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
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  219. Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny.
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  221. Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
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  223. I giggle when I put myself down. It’s just funny to me.
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  225. And write what you love – don’t feel pressured to write serious prose if what you like is to be funny.

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  227. I don’t really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don’t.
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  229. Happy birthday. Don’t be sad you’re a year older. Keep your chin up…if you can! Well, you know what I mean.
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  231. If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them! Happy birthday!
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  233. Happy birthday. At our age, the only way to look younger is to add at least a decade to your age.
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  235. Happy birthday. At your age, you should really live LARGE…starting with LARGE print.
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  237. Happy birthday! At our age, I don’t know why people expect us to remember their birthdays. On a good day, we’re lucky if we even remember where our car keys are!
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  239. Happy birthday! Considering all the candles on your cake, I hope you remembered to top up your fire insurance.
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  241. Happy birthday. Stop counting your candles and start counting your blessings. You still have hair on your head, not in your ears and nose!
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  243. You know how most people, on your birthday, tell you, “My goodness, you never seem to age.” Well, I’m not one of them. Happy birthday, old fart!
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  245. Yes, you’re getting older and wrinklier every day, but it could be worse…you could still have an acne problem! Happy birthday
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  247. They say that with age comes wisdom. I’m not so sure…I’ve met a lot of really stupid old people. So far, you’re not one of them. Happy birthday.
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  249. Whoever said that time waits for no man, but stands still for a woman of 30, is an idiot. No woman in her right mind would admit to turning 30. Happy 29th birthday!
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  251. Time may heal all wounds, but it leaves you with an unhealthy glow, saggy skin and crow’s feet. Happy birthday
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  253. Happy birthday! Another year, another reason to curse the inventor of the first modern mirror.
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  255. Sure, getting older is like a time travel movie in slow motion…but better slow than fast, I always say! I’m in no rush to get to the end of the film. Happy birthday!
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  257. You are only young and reckless once, but you can be reckless well into your hip-breaking days. Happy birthday.
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  259. Statistics show that people who keep celebrating birthdays live longer but eventually look worse than Keith Richards in the morning. Happy birthday!
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  261. Can you blow out all these candles or should I call the fire department? Happy birthday!
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  263. Count your blessings, not your age spots. Happy birthday!
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  265. Happy birthday! You still have the face of an angel — not a day older than when you first bought it.
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  267. Happy birthday. You know you’re getting old when you lose count midway through counting the candles on your birthday cake.
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  269. The only thing uncool about getting older is that all the things you thought were really lame growing up are super cool now. Golf, anyone? Happy birthday!
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  271. Happy birthday! On your special day, make time to play in your birthday suit…but first make sure it’s clean, and wrinkle-free and doesn’t smell weird.
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  273. Happy birthday, kiddo! You’ll know you’ve reached adulthood when your birthday cards no longer contain money.
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  275. Happy birthday to a real wonder — someone who acts and looks younger than any person I know our age. I really hate you. Like really, really!
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  277. Happy birthday! Your skin is way too taut and firm for someone who’s at least a decade past the age when most of us experience the dreaded pull of gravity.
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  279. Happy birthday! You may not consider yourself over the hill yet but you have to admit you’re starting to feel really woozy from the climb.
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  281. Birthday candles? Blowing them out at your age is not a good idea. You might lose your dentures and knock someone out. Here’s to a safer birthday!
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  283. Happy birthday! I wanted to get you something tremendous, something that just gets better and better every day, but I couldn’t find a box big enough for me.
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  285. Happy birthday to my oldest friend! Didn’t we always say getting older would be a real gas? Well, we were right — excess gas and antacid tablets are the bane of our existence.
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  287. It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays will loosen the skin just below your chin, making you look like Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars. Happy birthday
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  289. Happy birthday! Don’t worry, you’re still a kid — your friends still blow out your birthday candles before you do.
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  291. Happy birthday! You have so many candles on your birthday cake you can see the candlelight from space.
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  293. Happy birthday! When we were younger, we always thought getting older meant we could do whatever we wanted— we never realized that this applied only to our bodies
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  295. A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn’t belong in a smart people’s club.
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  297. Good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed.
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  299. To the champ, everything is serious business. I’m hoping that he’ll live long enough to learn that in this world that is a very dangerous attitude.
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  301. Marriage is just a piece of paper if it’s not a happy one.
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  303. Humans were built to look back; that’s why we have that swivel joint in our necks.
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  305. Gentleness doesn’t get work done unless you happen to be a hen laying eggs.

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  307. Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.
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  309. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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  311. @@My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
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  313. @What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
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  315. @There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
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  317. @Let the old woman have her God, God was as necessary for old women as enemas and Lipton tea bags.
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  319. @She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
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  321. @Exceptionally we find a law which does not have an exception
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  323. @Pride was the belt you used to hold your pants up when you had no pants.
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