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Funny Quotes New 2017

Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
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Adulthood is like losing your mother in the grocery store for your whole life.
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Some people are such treasures that you really just want to bury them.
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When someone close to you dies, move seats.
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A date is an experience with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
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It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
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Martinis are like breasts, one isn't enough, and three is too many.
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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
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The ideal man doesn't exist. A husband is easier to find.
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I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.


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Sometimes in the quest for enlightenment the only thing that gets lighter is your wallet.
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When you can't figure out what to do, it's time for a nap.
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An Indian without horoscope is like an American without a credit card.
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Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
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There is still no cure for the common birthday.
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In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
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The man loves danger and sport. That is why he loves woman, the most dangerous of all sports.
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Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

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One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could have become beer.
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War is better than marriage because after war you either live or die, but after marriage you neither live nor die.
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I suffer from girlnextdooritis where the guy is friends with you and that's it.
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A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving man who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
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Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
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A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
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I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.
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I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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The next time you have a thought... let it go.
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A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
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I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
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Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
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Ninety per cent of the politicians give the other 10% a bad reputation.
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Love is an ocean of emotions, entirely surrounded by expenses.
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My gosh this is a place with lots of strange people around... but I feel very comfortable here, so I must be one of them.
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We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like.
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FUNNY / LUCK / SUCCESS AND FAILURE  
Some people are very decisive when it comes to avoiding decisions.
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Free cheese is only found in a mousetrap
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
=================================GE  
Anna is sweet and all but it's sad the only time people take him seriously is when he is hungry.
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I'm not overweight, I'm under tall.
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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
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If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
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Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
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I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
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The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.
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If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.
=================================Bones
FUNNY  
Minor surgery is surgery someone else is having.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
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Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do.
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I got food poisoning today. Don't know when I'll use it though.
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Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
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Having smoking and non-smoking sections in the same room is like having urinating and non-urinating sections in a swimming pool.
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When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. Last summer in India I listened to a lot of Michael Bolton.
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Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches.
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The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
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Facebook and Twitter aren't the real problems in the office. The real problems are what I like to call the M&Ms, the Managers and the Meetings.
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In her will, my grandmother stipulated that she wanted to be buried with all of her favourite possessions. Her cat was not happy.
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I want to reach your mind. Where is it currently located?
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I mustache you a question, but I'm shaving it for later.
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My uncle owned a kebab shop, but he's dead now. He was buried with all his equipment. He'll be turning in his grave...
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I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start eating.
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In olden times sacrifices were made at @the altar - a practice which is still continued.
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Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she kee@ps finding her way back.
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The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle.
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I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
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Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
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Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
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Any car can be a collector car, if you collect it.

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
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Disneyland is the only people trap operated by a mouse.
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Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
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Get your facts first, then you can distor@t them as you please.
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
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The best way to lie is to tell the truth carefully edited truth.
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I haven't reported my missing credit @card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

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I'm 30-years-old, and I still can't get out from under my father's shadow. He's really tall, so maybe I'll just ask him to move over a few feet.
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When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.
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If a man had as many ideas during the day as he does when he has insomnia, he'd make a fortune.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
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I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea... I@'d rather be someone's shot of tequila anyway.
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Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
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I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
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The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.
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I was gratified to be able to answ@er promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
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Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
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Dear Math, I'm not therapist. So solve your own problems.
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Everybody should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.
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The only man who sticks closer to you in adversity than a friend is a creditor.
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I wonder whether those of our political masters who have been put in charge of the defence of the country can distinguish for a mortar from a motor; a gun from a howitzer; a guerrilla from a gorilla, although a great many resemble the later.
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Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.
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It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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The two rules of procrastination:
1) Do it today.
2) Tomorrow will be today tomorrow.

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Early to bed, early to rise - makes a man unwanted, boring and lice.
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If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
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All my life I thought air was free... until I bought a bag of chips.
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
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Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity?
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If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
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If Columbus had an advisory@ committee he would probably still be at the dock.
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All generalizations are false, including this one.
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Most of the gaffes I've made have not been funny - they've been stupid.
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It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
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If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
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Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
=================================einfeld
FUNNY  
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
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I found there was only one way to look @thin: hang out with fat people.
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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
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Classic' - a book which people praise and don't read.
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As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

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Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
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If you have one eye on Yesterday, and one eye on Tomorrow, you are going to be cockeyed Today.
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Juries scare me. I don't want to put my faith in 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Recession is when a neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
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A dice is very reliable. You can count on it.
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People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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Concentration is the ability to think abou@t absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.
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To err is human; to make real mess, you need a computer.
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Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

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I was considered to be a very go@od boy by my siblings, parents and friends. But then I got married.
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Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
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Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
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The future ain't what it used to be.
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Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
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We have the best government that money can buy.
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My wife had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear.
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Never give up your seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Only one man in 1,000 is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

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It took time but eventually I de@veloped a special attachment to my mother-in-law. It fitted over her mouth.
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Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.
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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
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Indian roads make a suicide look like an accident.
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Children are a great comfort in your old age. And they help you reach it faster, too.
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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
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Man is rated the highest animal, at least among all animals who returned the questionnaire.
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If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.
=================================Jefferson
FUNNY  
In 1947, one rupee equalled one dollar; in 2000, it reached 45, today it is 60! Gosh, it's almost keeping up with my age!
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Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked.
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Silence is Golden, spe@ech is silver;
So I do not talk much.
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Any husband who says, "My wif@e and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law-firm or a hand of bridge.
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A committee is a group of the unwilling chosen form the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter.
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I'm a drinker with writing problems.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
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I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
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Humor is a mankind's greatest blessings.
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The word 'Good' has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a Good shot, but not necessarily a Good man.
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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.
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Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
=================================illigan
FUNNY  
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave it up - they have no holidays.
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My husband and I are either going to bu@y a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber at weekends.
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Men never know how tired th@ey are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.
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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
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Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
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Most writers can write books faster than publishers can write checks.
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I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned - and you know my attorney, Mr Cohen".
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
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Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
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No man should marry until he has@ studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
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With mobiles, Apple and Blackberry are rivals. But in a crumble, they're harmony.
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
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A wedding is just like a funeral @except that you get to smell your own flowers.
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If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
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Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
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Common sense is so rare these days that, it should be classified as a super power.
~ Anonymous
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Middle age: When you're sitting at home on Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
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A perfect summer day: the sun is shining@, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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Torture numbers, and they'll confe@ss to anything.
================================= Easterbrook
FUNNY  
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

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When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.
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If at first you do succeed - try to hide your astonishment.
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
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I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
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How did it get so late so soon?
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Our language is funny - a fat chance and slim chance are the same thing.
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I used to think drinking was bad for me. So I gave up thinking.
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If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

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I don't like my hands. I always keep th@em at arm's length.
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I drink to make other people interesting.
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The pen is mightier than the sw@ord, and considerably easier to write with.
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My goal is to be able to say, "Fame and fortune just didn't bring me happiness".
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Laziness: the habit of resting before fatigue sets in.
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I have yet to meet a kind, witty, interesting, attractive, rich person I didn't like.
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Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
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Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
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Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.
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I always enjoy appearing before a British audience. Even if they don't feel like laughing, they nod their heads to show they've understood.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
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English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway.
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Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
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Thanks to my wife, I am quite enl@ightened... about my shortcomings.
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The capacity to admire others is not my most fully developed trait.
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Yes, even I am dishonest. Not in m@any ways, but in some. Forty-one, I think it is.
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I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
====================@=============  
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Television - a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
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I have always thought that if I were a rich man I would employ a professional praiser.
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My dad used to collect empty beer bottles, which is a nice way of saying he was an alcoholic.
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In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and then princes turn into frogs.
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Too bad all the people@ who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
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I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.
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I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
=================================Y  
They've @finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother- in-law to the airport.
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I love money because my wife wants it all the time.
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A very wise man once said..."I don't know. Go ask a woman.
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The British have three qualities: humour, tenacity and realism. I sometimes think we are still at the humour stage.
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When I fell in love with you, I should have realised that I am falling and not rising.
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A Xylophone is an instrument used mainly to illustrate the letter X.
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I made quite a name for myself back home. I left when I found out what it was.
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A German joke is no laughing matter.
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I've got no bosoms. In Africa they went to name an underdeveloped nation after me.
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If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.
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The airlines are getting really security - conscious. You can still fly, but they won't tell you where you're going.
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There's one thing about baldness; it's neat.
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I wanted a vacation but my wife accompanied me.

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