jok jokes new




  • The Duck Hunter
  • An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

  • He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

  • As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.

  • They fired, and a duck fell.

  • The dog responded and jumped into the water.

  • The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

  • The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

  • On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend." He can't swim.
  • FUNNY   
  • Blonde Counsellor
  • A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help.

  • One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

  • Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was.

  • A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

  • Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

  • The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. 

  • Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

  • "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the fucking goalie."
  • BLONDES   
  • Beauty Cream
  • Little Suzie watched, fascinated, as her mother was putting cold cream on her face.

  • "Why are you rubbing that cream on your face, Mommy?" she asked.

  • "To stay pretty for Daddy," said her mother.

  • A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

  • "What's the matter Mommy," asked Suzie, "are you giving up?"
  • CHILDREN   
  • Cell Phone Etiquette
  • After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
  • "Hi sweetheart, its Eric. I am on the train."
  • "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
  • "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
  • "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
  • "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart".
  • Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
  • Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.



  • Waaay too drunk...
  • A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there.

  • He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours.

  • He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him, "You were really drunk last night weren't you?"

  • "Yeah, why? How do you know?"

  • "You left your wheelchair at the pub."
  • BAR  7
  • Funny Questions and Answers
  • What is the opposite of 'Dominos' ?
  • Think...
  • Tired?
  • "Domi doesn't know"

  • One more!
  • What is the opposite of 'Pizza Hut' ?
  • Tired again?
  • Pizza hatna mat"
  • Ok, another one!

  • What is the opposite of 'Gopalakrishnan' ?
  • Keep thinking...
  • It's 'Come-Palakrishnan'

  • Stop banging your head! Last one...
  • What is the opposite of "Subramanium Sawmi" ?
  • Gave up?
  • Subramanium didn't see me!

  • Ok, ok, last one promise...
  • What is the opposite of Jogeshwari ?
  • Jogesh don't worry.
  • FUNNY  43
  • Facts about Women
  • Seven complicated facts about Women:

  • 1. They believe in saving.
  • 2. Still they go out & buy expensive clothes.
  • 3. Always buy expensive clothes but never have anything to wear.
  • 4. Never hav anything 2 wear, but always dress beautifully.
  • 5. Always dress beautifully, but never satisfied.
  • 6. Never satisfied, but still expect men to compliment them.
  • 7. Expect men to compliment, but don't believe them if complemented.
  • FUNNY  33
  • Bathing Santa!
  • Banta came to meet Santa at his house.

  • He knocked at the door; and was surprised to see Santa dripping with water open the door while being stark naked.

  • "Come on Santa, aren't you ashamed? Why don't you wear something?", said Banta.

  • Santa sheepishly ran into the bathroom and came back wearing his slippers.
  • -========================






  • They are all busy

    • One day, the phone rang, and Little Johnny answered.

    • The Caller: May I speak to your parents?
    • Little Johnny: They're busy.

    • The Caller: Oh. Is anybody else there?
    • Little Johnny: The police.

    • The Caller: Can I speak to them?
    • Little Johnny: They're busy.

    • The Caller: Oh. Is anybody else there?
    • Little Johnny: The firemen.

    • The Caller: Can I speak to them?
    • Little Johnny: They're busy.

    • The Caller: So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?
    • Little Johnny: Looking for me."
    • CHILDREN  33
    • Get well soon
    • A retired man, who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals, went to one local hospital in Hopwell and took his portable keyboard along.

    • He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

    • When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

    • One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
    • FUNNY   
    • Dealing with bribes
    • Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

    • "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

    • Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

    • "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

    • The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.

    • He handed it to Leon, "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
    • LAWYERS  8
    • Bill Gates in Heaven
    • When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

    • One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

    • "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

    • "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

    • "Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

    • "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

    • Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.

    • Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"

    • "True," Peter replied, "But the Titanic only crashed once."


    • High Blood Pressure
    • When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

    • "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.

    • "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

    • "Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

    • He sighed, "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • My Dad's a Lawyer
    • Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

    • "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

    • "Tommy," replied the second.

    • "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

    • Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

    • "Honest?" asked Billy.

    • "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Just Like My Wife
    • A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

    • She jumped up and slapped him.

    • He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

    • "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

    • "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Guide Dog
    • A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog.

    • The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says, "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog."

    • The blind man turned to me and said, "No, I'm going to thoroughly kick that dog's butt. I'm just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which."
    • ================
    • Bob, The Chicken
    • Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

    • He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

    • Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!"

    • St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

    • Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

    • A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

    • "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

    • "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

    • "Never," said Bob.

    • "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

    • Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

    • Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

    • As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yelling "BOB, wake up, goddammit. You just shit the bed!"
    • BAR  12
    • Bear Hunters
    • Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

    • He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

    • He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

    • Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

    • The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
    • FUNNY  1
    • Grandpa and Granddaughter
    • Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled.

    • She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

    • 'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied.

    • "Well, did God make me?` she asked.

    • "Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered.

    • She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
    • CHILDREN  3
    • Dear Baby Jesus...
    • A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

    • He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..."

    • He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

    • He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..."

    • He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

    • He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door.

    • He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..



    • Spell Bee
    • Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.

    • From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

    • "Nothing," Kathryn said.

    • Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

    • "Nothing," Kathryn answered.

    • This went on for several weeks.

    • Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

    • Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

    • The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Side Effects of Alcohol
    • Side effects of alcohol.... and remedies!!!

    • 1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
    • Cause- Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
    • Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward...

    • 2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
    • Cause : You're lying on the floor.
    • Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

    • 3. Symptom- The floor looks blurry.
    • Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.
    • Cure: Quickly refill your glass!

    • 4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
    • Cause : You're being dragged away.
    • Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

    • 5. Symptom-You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
    • Cause : You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it.
    • Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

    • 6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.
    • Cause : You're in the wrong house.
    • Cure -Ask if they can point you to your house.

    • 7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
    • Cause : You're in an ambulance.
    • Cure- Don't move. Let the professionals do their job!!!!
    • FUNNY  6
    • Coffee Gossip
    • Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

    • The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    • The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

    • The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

    • The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

    • Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?"

    • She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and, 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"
    • RELIGION  16
    • Women Gossip
    • A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop.
    • ,
    • One day they were sitting very very quietly.

    • A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.

    • He inquired about this to which they replied, "You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."

    • =========================
    • Robber's Mask
    • A hooded robber burst into a Bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

    • On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

    • The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

    • He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

    • Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

    • The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

    • There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

    • Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."
    • FUNNY   
    • Family Trip
    • After a family meal one night, three generations of the family are sitting around chatting. Jenny, a four year old, is sitting on her grandfather's knee. 

    • Jenny: "Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?"

    • Grandfather: "What?"

    • Jenny: "Can you make a noise like a frog?"

    • Grandfather: "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

    • Jenny: "Well, last night Daddy said that when you croak we can all go to Disneyland."
    • CHILDREN  3
    • Driving Habits
    • One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old son and beeped his car horn by mistake.

    • He turned and looked at him for an explanation.

    • He said, "I did that by accident".

    • He replied, "I know that, daddy".

    • He replied, "How'd you know?"

    • The boy said, "Because you didn't say ASSHOLE afterwards"!
    • CHILDREN  4
    • Soccer Fans
    • 4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died.

    • The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.

    • The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver".

    • The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest".

    • The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry


    • Die Another Day!
    • A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the the operating table. she had a near-death experience.

    • Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

    • God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".

    • Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and complete make-up.

    • Since she had so much time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

    • After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    • Arriving in front of God again, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

    • God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognise you"!
    • DOCTORS  20
    • Lost In Translation
    • A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

    • The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good", and walked away.

    • The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

    • The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good".

    • On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

    • The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

    • The rich man's daughter loved her present She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

    • The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

    • The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!
    • FUNNY  1
    • Pray For My Hearing
    • Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

    • Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about? "

    • Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

    • So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

    • After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

    • Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."
    • RELIGION  3
    • Overbooked Flight
    • In an airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked.

    • The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.

    • About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

    • About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced:

    • "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."


    • Corruption Case
    • At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

    • "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

    • The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

    • "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

    • The witness still did not respond.

    • Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

    • "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
    • LAWYERS  3
    • The Sane Advice?
    • Lady: Do you smoke?

    • Man: Yes.

    • Lady: How many packs?

    • Man: 3 packs daily.

    • Lady: How much is per pack for your brand?

    • Man: $ 8 a pack.

    • Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

    • Man: Almost 18 years.

    • Lady: So one pack costs $ 8 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $ 720. In one year, it would be $ 8640. Correct?

    • Man: Correct.

    • Lady: If in 1 year you spend $ 8640, you collectively spent $ 155,520. Correct?

    • Man: Correct.

    • Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 18 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    • Man: Do you smoke?

    • Lady: No.

    • Man: Where's your freaking Ferrari then?
    • FUNNY  6
    • Caught on the Wrong Foot!
    • A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

    • A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
    • "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man", the priest replied.
    • "Imagine that", the drunk muttered.
    • He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
    • "I don't have arthritis, Father", the drunk said and added, "I just read in the paper that the Pope does".
    • RELIGION  8
    • Thankful Santa!
    • Santa shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will".

    • "That is very kind of you", said the doctor emotionally and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change".


    • No More Kids
    • A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"

    • The woman answered, "Four."

    • The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?" The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George." 

    • Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?" 

    • "Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."
    • FUNNY  1
    • The Lunatic Driver
    • One morning a blonde's husband was watching the traffic report on TV. They were talking about some maniac who was driving along the highway in the wrong direction and disrupting traffic

    • He knew his wife would be on that highway on her way to work and he didn't want her to get hurt, so he called her to let her know.

    • "Honey, watch out this morning, there's a lunatic driving the wrong way up the highway" he said.

    • Sounding terrified, she replied, "It's not just one!"
    • BLONDES  1
    • Two Brazilians
    • A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

    • The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

    • Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

    • After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
    • BLONDES  1
    • Water In Carburetor
    • "The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

    • "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

    • "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

    • "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."


    • Weight Scale
    • At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

    • The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

    • 'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'
    • FUNNY  1
    • Get yourself a train!
    • Dear Dad,
    • Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when all my Teachers travel by train.

    • Your Son
    • Nasser

    • Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:
    • Loving son,
    • Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

    • Your Dad
    • FUNNY  1
    • Little Johnny Crying
    • Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears.

    • His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

    • "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears.

    • "That's not so serious," soothed his mother.

    • "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
    • CHILDREN  4
    • Impolite Child
    • Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

    • 'No, no, no!' she screamed.

    • 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'

    • With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! No, thank you!


    • Blonde and the Barking Dog
    • A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

    • It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".

    • She goes downstairs.

    • The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

    • The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"
    • BLONDES  1
    • When Death Came
    • Death came to a guy and said,"My friend today is your day..."

    • The guy said,"But I am not ready!"

    • Then death said, "Well your name is the next on my list..."

    • So the guy told death, "Ok why don't you take a seat and I will get you something to eat before we go?"

    • Death said, "All right..."

    • The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it, death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep. The guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list to the bottom of the list.

    • When death woke up he said to the guy, "I will start from the bottom of the list because you have been so very nice to me..."
    • FUNNY  2
    • Blonde Commits Suicide
    • A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

    • 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

    • 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

    • 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

    • 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

    • 'So then?' asked the doctor.

    • 'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

    • 'So then?'

    • 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
    • BAR  1
    • The Paintings
    • A man was standing in a gallery, studying two near-identical pictures by the same artist. Both showed a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls, a bowl of salad and a plate of smoked salmon.

    • Yet one painting was priced $150, the other at $125.

    • So, he asked the gallery owner to explain why one was more expensive than the other.

    • "It's simple," said the gallery owner, indicating the more expensive painting.

    • "You get two extra slices of smoked salmon in that one."


    • The Sunday edition
    • An irate old lady called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday paper was.

    • "Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday edition is not delivered until tomorrow, Sunday."

    • There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

    • Then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that explains why no one was at church this morning."
    • FUNNY   
    • Most Wanted!
    • Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

    • One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

    • "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

    • Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
    • CHILDREN  1
    • Wait Till The Last Moment
    • A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

    • The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

    • "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

    • The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
    • RELIGION  1
    • Healthful Place
    • Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in New Delhi.

    • In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

    • "It sure is," the cabbie replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

    • "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

    • "I was born here."


    • Marriage Advice
    • At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

    • It turned out to be my husband and I.

    • The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

    • I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

    • Everyone then looked at my husband.

    • He said, "She's probably right."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Misbehaving Johnny
    • Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

    • Two days later his teacher phoned his mother totell her that he was misbehaving.

    • "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Good News!
    • The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

    • Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

    • He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Deep trouble
    • Santa and Banta decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Banta gets called in for his interview.

    • The boss asks Banta if he had worked underground mines before? Banta says that he had.

    • The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

    • Banta says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet."

    • The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here - you're no miner!"

    • On his way out, Banta tells Santa to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Santa gets called in.

    • The boss asks Santa if he had worked underground mines before?

    • Santa says, "Oh sure."

    • The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

    • Santa says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."

    • The boss says, "20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, "What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"

    • Santa says, "Oh, I didn't need a light, I worked on the day shift



    • Impromptu practice session
    • A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game".

    • They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

    • "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

    • "Very clever!" remarks the other patron.

    • Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"

    • "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"

    • "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
    • SPORTS  11
    • Don't mess with old people
    • George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

    • George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    • He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

    • Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

    • George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    • "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up.

    • Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    • One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    • George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available.
    • FUNNY  6
    • Free at last
    • God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians.

    • "What commandments do you offer?" they asked.

    • He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."

    • They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

    • Next he offered it to the Romanians.

    • "What commandments do you offer?" they asked.

    • He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."

    • They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

    • Next he offered them to the French.

    • "What commandments do you offer?" they asked.

    • "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."

    • "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

    • Finally he approached the Jews.

    • "How much?" they asked.

    • "It's free," he answered.

    • "We'll take ten of them!"
    • RELIGION  5
    • Smart husband
    • Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

    • He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

    • She text back, "OMG really?"

    • Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."


    • Like a baby
    • Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, 'John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

    • John says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

    • 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

    • 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
    • FUNNY   
    • Will you marry me?
    • A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

    • But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

    • "Yes, this is June."

    • "Will you marry me?"

    • "Of course I will! Who's this?"
    • FUNNY  1
    • Marriage Revenge
    • Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

    • With a low voice he said to his wife, "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

    • Wife, "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

    • Johnson, "But I want you to."

    • Wife, "But why?"

    • Johnson, "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Halloween Vamps
    • Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.

    • The barmaid came over to take their orders, "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
    • The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
    • The second vampiresaid, "I'll have a mug of blood."
    • The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
    • The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light"



    • The Euro Tunnel
    • When the British government let out bids for the digging of a tunnel under the English Channel, estimates were in the millions of pounds. One firm asked only 10,000 pounds, however.

    • "Considering equipment and labour cost," the construction chairman asked the low bidder, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?"

    • "It's simple," the contractor replied, "my partner grabs a shovel, goes to France and start digging. I take another shovel and start digging from England. We dig until we meet - and you've got a tunnel!"

    • "But what if you never meet?"

    • "Then you've got TWO tunnels!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Loving Wife
    • I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

    • "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," he replied.

    • "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

    • "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly saying, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Miracle Doctor
    • A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

    • So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special.

    • "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

    • The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

    • "Jar number 43?" Mr. Smith wonders.

    • So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.

    • He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

    • "I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor. "That will be $100."

    • So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

    • One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

    • The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

    • Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
    • DOCTORS  10
    • Wet Dreams
    • Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.

    • "Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked.

    • "Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee.'

    • "OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, No, we've already peed."

    • Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So, did you do as I said?"

    • "Yes, I did."

    • "Did it help?"

    • "No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."

    • "How?"

    • "As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little.'"


    • Powerful Laxative
    • This guy goes to the doctor after being constipated for two weeks.

    • The doctor prescribes a heavy-duty laxative and tells him to take two when he gets home. The guy goes home to his fourth story apartment, pops two of the pills and lays down for a nap.

    • When he awakens he finds that the laxative is so powerful that he has relieved two weeks worth of blockage all over the bed as he slept. Totally disgusted the man toils over what to do with the mess and finally decides to bundle up the sheets and pitch them out the window.

    • About this time a wino comes walking along still hung-over from the night before and splat! The sheet lands Right Square on his head. After struggling for a few minutes the wino gets free of the sheet and as he's standing there looking at it, a policeman strolls up after seeing him wrestling with it.

    • "What's going on here?" inquires the officer.

    • "I'm not too sure," replies the wino "but I'm pretty sure I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
    • DOCTORS  3
    • Fastest Worker
    • A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

    • The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

    • He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

    • The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

    • "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

    • The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Honest Lawyer!
    • Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

    • "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

    • "Tommy," replied the second.

    • "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

    • Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

    • "Honest?" asked Billy.

    • "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
    • LAWYERS  2
    • My wife is expecting
    • "How does Jeeto like being pregnant?" Santa asked his friend Banta.

    • "Oh, she's not pregnant," Banta replied, "she's expecting."

    • "What's the difference?" Santa pressed.

    • "Well," Banta explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet..


    • Wrong Number!!!
    • A married couple had just crawled into bed on night when the phone started to ring.

    • The man got up to answer it, "How the hell should I know, that's a thousand miles away!" he exclaimed before slamming down the receiver.

    • "Who was that?" asked a puzzled wife.

    • "I don't have any idea," said the husband. "Some guy wanted to know if the coast is clear."
    • MARRIAGE  1
    • Wife's Photograph
    • Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    • Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    • Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    • Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
    • MARRIAGE  9
    • Drunk Fart
    • There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

    • Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

    • The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

    • The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
    • BAR   
    • Best Friend
    • A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

    • "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

    • Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

    • He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

    • "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

    • The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"


    • Love and Marriage
    • My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

    • He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

    • Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Blood Circulation
    • A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

    • Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

    • "Yes, sir," the boys said.

    • "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

    • A little fellow at the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
    • CHILDREN  2
    • Hobby!!!
    • The doctor finished his examination and asked the patient to step into his office.

    • "Sit down, Mr. Kay sen. After looking at these test results, I recommend that you have an operation immediately." The man thought for a moment, "How will this affect my hobby, Doctor?" "What's your hobby?" "Saving money!"
    • DOCTORS  3
    • Best Sermon
    • After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole' boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

    • He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

    • The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

    • The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!

    • The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

    • The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."

    • And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir


    • The Will
    • A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

    • "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

    • The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

    • The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"
    • LAWYERS  1
    • The Matchmaker
    • The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Schwartzberg, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

    • "Mr. Schwartzberg, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

    • "Don't bother," replies Mr. Schwartzberg, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

    • "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

    • "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters."
    • FUNNY   
    • Scratch Golfer
    • Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.

    • After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"

    • "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

    • "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.

    • "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
    • GOLF  2
    • Soldier's Affairs
    • A soldier serving overseas and far from home was very bitter and terribly upset when his girl wrote that she was breaking off their engagement and wanted her photograph back.

    • Being a sort of creative fellow, he went out and collected all the unwanted photographs that he could find from his buddies, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

    • Dear Mary,
    • Regret cannot remember which one of these is of you... please keep your photo and return the others.


    • Birdseed
    • A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

    • "I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.

    • "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

    • "Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest..."
    • BLONDES   
    • Deadly Mistake
    • A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.

    • They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

    • The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

    • After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir,I' m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this... somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulation on your new location.'''
    • FUNNY   
    • Woman's point of view
    • From a woman's point of view:
    • - The most perfect man in the world is her father.
    • - The most abused husband in the world is her brother.
    • - The most handsome man in the world is her son.
    • - The luckiest and happiest man in the world is her sister's husband.
    • - The most thankful man in the world is her son in law.
    • - And the worst, most selfish, heartless, total jerk and the man with worst behavior in the world is her husband.
    • MARRIAGE  5
    • Constipated Horse
    • Banta owned a great big farm. He had lots of animals like pigs, chickens, horses and cows.

    • But then one day one of his horses became constipated so he went to the vet and the doctor gave him some big pills and a pipe. The doctor instructed him to put a pill in the pipe, stick the pipe up the horse's ass and blow as hard as he could.

    • Banta went home and did exactly what the vet told him to do.

    • An hour later Banta came back to the doctor's place looking very sick. The doctor asked what was wrong.

    • Then Banta replied, "The horse blew first."


    • Geriatric Condition
    • An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal, and wants a diagnosis and explanation.

    • The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong, so he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

    • The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age; there's nothing I can do about it."

    • The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"

    • The Doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

    • The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine."

    • "So what?` says the doctor, "What difference does that make?"

    • "Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
    • SANTABANTA  4
    • Visiting a friend
    • Banta goes over to visit one of his friends.

    • While he is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily the type that is not going to stop.

    • His friend tells him to spend the night at his house and go home the next day.

    • When he hears this, he rushes out the door and comes a while later totally drenched and carrying a small bag.

    • So his friend asks, "Where did you run off too!"

    • Bant says, "I went home to get my pyjamas!"
    • SANTABANTA  16
    • Genealogy Explained
    • A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

    • The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

    • Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"

    • The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

    • The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

    • The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
    • MARRIAGE  3
    • Morning Prayer
    • Dear Lord:
    • So far I've done all right.
    • I haven't gossipped,
    • haven't lost my temper,
    • haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm really glad about that.

    • But in a few minutes, God,
    • I'm going to get out of bed.
    • And from then on, I'm going to need a lot more help.


    • Cosmetic Surgery
    • Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

    • The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

    • The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

    • To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
    • MARRIAGE  1
    • Drinking is Bad
    • At a Bar, a NUN preaches: Drinking is Bad.

    • Man: Have you tried it?

    • Nun: No, Never.

    • Man: Ok, you try once, if you don't like it, I'll giv up Drinking.

    • Nun: Ok, but bring it in Teacup, I don't want people seeing me drinking.

    • Man goes to the bartender and says: Giv me two Shots of Rum in Tea-Cups.

    • Bartender- IS THAT NUN HERE Again?
    • RELIGION  6
    • A matter of Will
    • When her late husband's will was read, a widow learnt he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman.

    • Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.

    • "Sorry, lady," said the stone cutter. "I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' on your orders. I can't change it now."

    • "Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, 'Until We Meet Again'."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Good News
    • A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news.

    • He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

    • The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

    • The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you.


    • Medical Check-up
    • An old codger goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the poor old bloke is hard of hearing.

    • After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "Right, I'll need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

    • The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"

    • The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."
    • DOCTORS  2
    • Redneck Hunters
    • A couple of redneck hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing. His eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his mobile phone and called the emergency services.

    • He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    • The operator, in a calm soothing voice, said, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    • There was silence, then a gun shot. The guy's voice came back on the line.

    • He said, "Okay, now what?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Santa's rectal disorder
    • Santa goes to a proctologist to complain about a rectal disorder.

    • The doctor examines him, tells him he needs an enema, gives him the necessary medication for the enema, and asks him to come back the following week for a checkup.

    • Upon returning the next week, Santa complains that the medication did nothing for him.

    • "Did you use the medication properly?" asks the doctor.

    • "Of course I did, Doc! Jeez, what do you think, I shoved it up my ass?!"
    • SANTABANTA  1
    • Who is Mightiest of all Animals?
    • A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

    • The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

    • Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

    • The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

    • On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

    • Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion is feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, then crapped on it, and ambled away.

    • The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissedd off 
    • =======================
    • Being Late
    • Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

    • The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

    • The second deaf man signed back, "Boy, you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me heck for being out so late."

    • The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

    • The second deaf man signed, "I turned out the light!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Organic Vegetables
    • A wife goes to the local market to buy some organic vegetables for her husbands. She came back rather upset.

    • When her husband asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him, 'Where the organic Vegetables were?' He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husbands. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?

    • And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself'."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Memorial Service
    • One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

    • The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

    • "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

    • "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

    • "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

    • Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    • Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service... the morning or the evening?"
    • CHILDREN   
    • The Mercedes Benz Logo
    • A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.

    • When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for.

    • The driver replied, "Why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".

    • "Ah I see", said the man.

    • With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute


    • Logical and Legal
    • A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

    • Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

    • Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

    • Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A"

    • Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what's the question?"

    • Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

    • The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

    • The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

    • To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

    • "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

    • "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Koala and the Lizard
    • A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

    • The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

    • So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After awhile the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

    • The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "hat's the matter with you?"

    • The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

    • The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

    • So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude... How much water did you drink?"
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • The Angel
    • An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.

    • He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

    • "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

    • "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

    • "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

    • "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

    • "Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

    • "Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been."

    • The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

    • "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

    • "OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Catholic Shampoo
    • While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

    • The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

    • The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.

    • She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

    • The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

    • Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

    • "The curlers are on me."


    • Roll Call
    • It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

    • "Ames"
    • "Here!"
    • "Jenson"
    • "Here!"
    • "Jones"
    • "Here!"
    • "Magersky"
    • "Here!"
    • "Seeback"
    • No answer.
    • "Seeback!"
    • No answer was heard again.
    • "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

    • At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
    • MILITARY  1
    • Philosophy Class
    • An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

    • "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

    • A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

    • His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Counting Skills
    • There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

    • One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.

    • So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

    • The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

    • The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

    • So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Birthday Cake
    • For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

    • "You are not getting older,
    • You are getting better."

    • When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

    • It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

    • "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM.


    • Pet Turtle
    • "Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Johnny, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

    • The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet."

    • "Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling, "Oh! Boy!"

    • His mother said, "I don't want you..."

    • Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move, "Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."

    • "Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Once and Only Once
    • A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

    • "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

    • The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

    • "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

    • Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

    • "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

    • "That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

    • Just then a young man enters the office.

    • "Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

    • "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
    • FUNNY   
    • The Biggest Lie
    • The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, the reverend went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

    • One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

    • The reverend was taken aback, "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.

    • He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

    • There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
    • CHILDREN   
    • The Freshman
    • The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

    • "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

    • "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

    • "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

    • "Of course I can run," said the freshman.

    • He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

    • "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

    • The freshman hesitated for a few seconds, "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

    • Checking Meters
    • Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

    • They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

    • Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

    • As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

    • Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Crowded Bus
    • A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only. The bus stopped and an elderly lady got on carrying a large picnic basket. She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

    • Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her. She quickly declined as she was only going a short distance.

    • Soon the picnic basket began to leak. The man felt something drop on top of his head. As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.

    • He tasted it, looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

    • She replied, "No, no, puppies."
    • FUNNY   
    • Cow on the Tracks
    • A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

    • "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

    • "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

    • Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

    • She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Gold Watch
    • A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

    • "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom."

    • When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

    • "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

    • "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was.


    • Off-Duty Cop
    • An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

    • The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

    • "This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

    • A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets-each for not wearing a seat belt.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Golfer and the Ant Hill
    • Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing.

    • Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.

    • So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

    • Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

    • Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
    • GOLF  1
    • The Obituary
    • A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

    • The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

    • She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

    • Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

    • Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale'."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Google Knows Everything!
    • My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access Google, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

    • Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom."

    • "Think of something to ask it."

    • As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling

    • ==============================
    • Routine Checks
    • One day a woman went to her doctor for her physical. After all of the routine checks and 'female' exam, she was given great results.

    • Very happy and excited, she went home to meet her husband.

    • "How did it go?" he asked.

    • "Wonderful," she said, "the doctor said I have a tight package."

    • "Did he say anything about your BIG ASS?"

    • "Nope, he didn't mention YOUR name the whole time I was there!!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Johny, The American
    • A Paksitani boy got admission in an American school.

    • Teacher: What's your name ?

    • Boy: Ahmad

    • Teacher: No, now you are in America your name is Johny from today.

    • Boy went home. Mom Asked: how was the day Ahmad?

    • Boy: I am an American now call me Johnny.

    • Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up.

    • Next day he was back to school, all bruised.

    • Teacher: What happend Johnny?

    • Boy: Ma'am, just 4 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistanis.
    • FUNNY  3
    • The Bra
    • A couple of old fraternity brothers, Skip and Chip, now in their 40's, would meet after work every week at their country club for a tennis game while their wives, Babs and Poopsy, played golf.

    • On this particular day, the boys were in the locker room changing out of their business suits into their tennis clothes when Skip removed his shirt. Chip noticed that Skip was wearing a brassiere.

    • "Ahhh, Skip", said Chip, "if you tell me it's none of my business, I'll respect that, but I'm really curious to know how long you've been wearing a bra."

    • "Since last Thursday," Skip replied. "That's when Babs found it in my glove compartment."
    • FUNNY   
    • Mental Deficiency
    • A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease.

    • "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

    • "Nothing is easier," he replied. "I ask him a simple question, which everyone should answer with no trouble at all. If he hesitates, that tells me just what I need to know."

    • "What sort of question?"

    • "Well, I might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

    • The hostess thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.



    • Witness Testimony
    • A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting.

    • "Did you see the shot fired?"

    • "No, sir, I only heard it."

    • "Stand down" said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."

    • The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.

    • "Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.

    • "No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.

    • "That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor, said the witness respectfully.
    • LAWYERS   
    • Afraid of the Dark
    • A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

    • The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

    • The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

    • The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

    • "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

    • The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Interoffice Rivalry
    • An inter-office softball game was held every year between the Marketing and Support Staff of one company.

    • The Support Staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly. To show just 'how' the Marketing Department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

    • "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1999 Softball Season, we finished in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game this entire season."
    • FUNNY   
    • Constipation Problem
    • Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation problem.

    • "It's terrible," she said. "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

    • "I see. Have you done anything about it?` asked the doctor.

    • "Oh, yes," she replied. "I sit in the bathroom for a half hour in the morning and again at night."

    • "No," the doctor said. "I mean do you take anything?"

    • "Of course," she answered. "I take a magazine in with me each time.


    • Widdle Wabbit
    • A precious little girl walks into a Petsmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    • As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    • She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
    • CHILDREN   
    • The Diet
    • This lady is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

    • "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

    • When the lady returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

    • "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

    • The lady nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

    • "From hunger, you mean?"

    • "No, from skipping all day."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Nervous Priest
    • The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

    • The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

    • The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

    • The new priest tries this.

    • The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'"

    • The new priest says those things.

    • The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
    • FUNNY   
    • Married Men Only!
    • In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

    • Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

    • "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.


    • Weight Problem
    • A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.

    • "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

    • The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

    • "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

    • The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
    • DOCTORS  1
    • Is it Yours?
    • A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers-to-be, are pacing nervously in the Maternity Ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

    • "Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

    • "Certainly not," he retorts.

    • "Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

    • "How about you?" she asks the Jew.

    • "Maybe," he says, glumly. "My wife burns everything."
    • FUNNY   
    • An innocent gesture
    • One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

    • The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

    • With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

    • "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Free Ride
    • A mother asked her young son, as they waited for the bus, to tell the driver he was 5 years old, because then he would ride for free.

    • As they got into the bus the driver asked him how old he was.

    • "I am 5 years old," said the little boy proudly.

    • The driver had a son of his own that age, and smiled, "And when will you be 6 years old?` he asked.

    • "When I get off the bus," answered the boy.


    • Learn to be more polite
    • One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

    • Tom wasn't happy about that, "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

    • Bill, "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

    • Tom, "The smaller piece, of course."

    • Bil, "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Men are better friends than women
    • One night Peeto, doesn't return home.

    • The next morning when Banta demands to know where she was all night, she claims she stayed at a friends house.

    • Banta rings around her 10 best friends and they all say Jeeto didn't stay at their place last night.

    • One night Banta doesn't return home.

    • The next morning when Jeeto demands to know where he was all night, he claims he stayed at a friends house.

    • Jeeto rings around his 10 best friends. 8 of them say Banta did stay at their place last night, and the other 2 claim he is still there!
    • SANTABANTA  9
    • Sobbing Pappu
    • Six-year-old Pappu came downstairs crying loudly.

    • "What's the matter?" asked his mother.

    • "Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Pappu.

    • "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

    • "I did," sobbed Pappu.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Deodorant Issues
    • It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

    • All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

    • One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

    • A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me... I'm not wearing any."


    • Too Young to Smoke
    • A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette.

    • He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

    • Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.

    • The guy says, "How old are you?"

    • Johnny says, "Ten."

    • The guy says, "Ten? When did you start smoking?"

    • Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."

    • The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

    • Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
    • CHILDREN  1
    • Field Equipment
    • A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."

    • A week later he returned.

    • "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.

    • "Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

    • "No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
    • MARRIAGE  2
    • Fortune Teller
    • A man was wandering around a fairground, and he happened to see a fortune teller``s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

    • "Ah...." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

    • "Ha, you fortune tellers are all a sham!" said the man, scornfully. "Im the father of THREE children!"

    • The woman grinned and said, "That``s what YOU think..."
    • MARRIAGE  1
    • Wife Gets Even
    • A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

    • When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    • Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn``t see me for two or three days?"

    • To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

    • Monday went by and he didn``t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


    • Just Fooling Around
    • A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife, "There``s that woman that our next door neighbor is fooling around with!"

    • His wife dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and broke it on her way to the window.

    • "WHERE? WHERE? she demanded.

    • "Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."

    • "YOU IDIOT! THAT``S HIS WIFE!!!"

    • "Yes, I know," the husband said, with a satisfied grin.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Father's Ashes
    • A guy goes to a girl`s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he`s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

    • He picks it up, and as he`s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What`s this?"

    • She says, "Oh, my father`s ashes are in there."

    • He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh ... I ..."

    • She says, "Yeah, he`s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
    • FUNNY   
    • Life Goes On
    • When Joe`s wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.

    • Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life just isn`t worth living anymore."

    • "Don`t be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let your work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?"

    • "I clean out septic tanks," Joe replied.
    • DOCTORS   
    • Texan Grasshoppers
    • A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

    • The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

    • Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

    • The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

    • He asks, "And what are those?"

    • The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"


    • Don't Be Nervous
    • An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

    • As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

    • "Yes Dad, what is it?"

    • "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
    • DOCTORS  2
    • The Tourist
    • A tourist from San Francisco goes on his first trip overseas.

    • Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled while filling out his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder and sees the tourist trying to write "Twice a week" in the space labeled SEX.

    • The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'"

    • "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
    • FUNNY  1
    • Who's The Boss?
    • A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

    • To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

    • He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

    • "I am." said the man.

    • "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

    • The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

    • "No, no, no, get the brown one," the man's wife said.

    • "Here's your chicken," said the farmer.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Spiritual Blindness
    • A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

    • During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."

    • A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

    • "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."

    • "Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone


    • Before The Cellphones
    • The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

    • So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

    • Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.

    • "Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

    • "I can't," she said. "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
    • FUNNY   
    • Quick Promotion
    • The boss called one of his employees into the office, "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

    • "Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

    • "What do you say to that?"

    • "Thanks," said the employee.

    • "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

    • "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
    • FUNNY   
    • Lifetime Medication
    • John came home from the doctor looking very worried.

    • His wife said, "What's the problem?"

    • He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

    • She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."

    • "Yes, I know," he said, "but he only gave me four pills!"
    • DOCTORS  4
    • Constipated Worker
    • A construction worker tells his doctor, "I’m constipated."

    • The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."

    • After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his ass, with a baseball bat. A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends the man to the bathroom.

    • After coming out of the bathroom, the construction worker says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"

    • The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with cement bags.

    • An Unusual Day?
    • A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.

    • Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.

    • He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.

    • He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

    • Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!

    • The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

    • The horse finished 3rd.
    • FUNNY   
    • Irresistible Model
    • The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

    • She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!"

    • "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

    • "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

    • "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
    • FUNNY  1
    • Little Heart
    • The teacher advised the class that they start each day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their hearts and repeat after her.

    • As she starts the recitation, she looks around the room, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag...' When her eyes fell on Johnny, she found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

    • 'Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart.'

    • Johnny replied, 'But it is over my heart.'

    • After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, 'Why do you think that is your heart?'

    • 'Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up and pats me here and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!'
    • CHILDREN  1
    • Birthday Gift
    • A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday.

    • He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

    • That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

    • As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

    • The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

    • =====================
    • Proverbs from the Mouths of Babes
    • A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is is how they answered:

    • It's always darkest before..... daylight savings times.

    • You can lead a horse to water but..... how?

    • Don't bite the hand that..... looks dirty.

    • A penny saved is..... not much.

    • Children should be seen and not..... spanked or grounded.

    • There is no fool like.....Aunt Edie.

    • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
    • CHILDREN  2
    • Fishing Bait
    • Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

    • Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

    • An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • Novice Hunter
    • A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.

    • After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

    • Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

    • This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

    • "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

    • "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
    • FUNNY  1
    • Have an Affair
    • "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Peter told his friend Alex.

    • Alex suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

    • "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Peter.

    • "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Peter. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Alex.

    • So Peter went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

    • "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work.


    • The Argument
    • A husband and wife were involved in an argument both of them unwilling to admit that they might be wrong.

    • "I'll admit I was wrong", the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt at straightening things out, "If you'll admit that I'm right!"

    • He agreed and like gentlemen do, he let her go first.

    • "I'm wrong", she said.

    • With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "You're right!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Carrying a Child
    • "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

    • A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

    • The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked.

    • "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
    • CHILDREN  2
    • Dog Duties
    • A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

    • "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

    • "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

    • A third child brought the argument to a close, "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
    • CHILDREN   
    • A Snobish Tourist
    • A snobbish tourist was visiting a small Australian village when he noticed a local man wearing a highly ornate necklace that featured 10 alligator teeth.

    • He approached the man and in a condescending manner said, "Goodness, what a fancy necklace! I guess you people must value alligator teeth the same way my people value pearls."

    • The man replied, "Well, anyone can open up an oyster.


    • Stop Sign
    • A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

    • "No," the man replied.

    • "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

    • "But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

    • The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."

    • The man started to get belligerent, "Stop, slow down - what's the difference?"

    • The cop pulled out his baton, "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
    • FUNNY   
    • Exposing Neighbour
    • Judy called the police.

    • "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"

    • The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window.

    • "See what I mean, officer."

    • The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head."

    • Judy, "Fool, just put a chair on that dresser over there and stand on that!"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • A Printer Problem
    • When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

    • Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

    • Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

    • "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  16
    • New Grandmother
    • Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill expected.

    • "What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that you're a grandmother?"

    • Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile.

    • "No," she said. "It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a grandfather."



    • The Final Journey
    • The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

    • Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

    • The dying man said nothing.

    • The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

    • The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"

    • The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Chocolate-Chip Cookies
    • Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

    • Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

    • A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

    • "What have I done?" I asked.

    • "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."
    • FUNNY   
    • Words of Wisdom
    • Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater.

    • If you give her a sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

    • So, if you give her any aggravation, be ready to receive a ton of stuff in return.
    • FUNNY  1
    • Full Bed Bath
    • The nursing student, on her first rotation in the ICU, had to give a patient a full bed bath. She had never given one before and was terribly nervous about it.

    • To make matters worse, the patient was a gentleman in his late sixties who had been admitted after a heart attack. As se nervously set her equipment up, she confessed to the patient that she had never given a full bed bath before.

    • "I'll tell you what," he said, "how about if you wash as far down as possible, and as far up as possible, and then I'll wash possible


    • Paper Thin Walls
    • As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.

    • Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the wife was upstairs and the husband was downstairs on the telephone. He was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet his neighbor.

    • "Give this to your wife," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into his hands. "She's been yelling for it for 20 minutes!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Going on a Family Vacation
    • The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.

    • "Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.

    • "Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week," replies the voice.

    • "Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"

    • "We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice, "I hope it is all right."

    • "I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who is calling?"

    • "Sure. This is my father!"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Strongest Weightlifter
    • After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.

    • Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.

    • When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:

    • "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The World's Fastest Runner."
    • FUNNY   
    • Adam's Suit
    • A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

    • "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

    • "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

    • With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


    • Boy or a Girl Cat?
    • A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

    • On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

    • "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
    • CHILDREN   
    • An Idiot
    • A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

    • "Why would I come in second?" the husband asked.

    • She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Bad Pianist
    • As a restaurant owner, I hired a pianist and a harpist to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the pianist had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested her.

    • Desperate for another pianist, I called a friend who knew some musicians. 

    • "What happened to the pianist you had?" he asked me.

    • "I had her arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

    • A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did she play?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Swollen Foot
    • Santa goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot.

    • After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.

    • "I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

    • The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.

    • Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.

    • "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.


    • Road Rage
    • A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends.

    • Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for was so sick that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.

    • They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.
    • "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with Mommy?"

    • "Oh yes! Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what, we didn't see a single bastard!"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Confidential Fax
    • It's more than obvious: The high technology of the information age isn't for everyone.

    • Consider the man standing by the office fax machine and scratching his head when a co-worker walks by.

    • "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" the puzzled fellow asks.

    • "A little. What's wrong?"

    • "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

    • "How did you load the sheet?" the other worker asks.

    • "Well, it's confidential, so I folded it in half, like this, so no one else could read it."
    • FUNNY   
    • Photo Identity Card
    • A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them.

    • When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.

    • The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.

    • "Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.

    • "Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
    • BLONDES   
    • That's Strange
    • A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

    • The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

    • However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"


    • Birdseed
    • A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

    • "I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.

    • "For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

    • "Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest..."
    • BLONDES   
    • Play Golf, drink and enjoy life
    • A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    • The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    • "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    • "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    • "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    • "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    • The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

    • The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
    • BAR  5
    • A tired dog!
    • A tired dog!
    • An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

    • I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

    • He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

    • An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

    • The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

    • Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

    • The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

    • 'He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
    • MARRIAGE  8
    • Extra Bullets
    • A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them.

    • Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."

    • The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets


    • Santa's Logic?
    • Cop: How did you kill 50 people in a car crash?

    • Santa: I suddenly lost control.

    • Cop: Then what happened?

    • Santa: I saw 2 people on the right & a wedding party on the left. You tell me which should I have hit?

    • Cop: The 2 people on the right would have certainly caused less damage.

    • Santa: Exactly what I thought! I hit the 1st one but then the other one person ran into the wedding so I went after him!
    • SANTABANTA  12
    • The Wagging Tail
    • Bert took his dog Bernard to the vet.

    • "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

    • The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

    • "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
    • FUNNY   
    • Confessional
    • A guy goes into the confessional box.

    • He finds on one wall afully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

    • "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

    • The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
    • FUNNY  1
    • What Comes after a Sentence ?
    • A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates of his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the local grammar school to set up remedial English classes.

    • In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics.

    • "Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks.

    • All the prisoners answer together, "The appeal


    • Eye Sight Test
    • A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

    • First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

    • The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

    • "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

    • "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
    • COMMUNITIES   
    • Be Careful
    • Harris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

    • A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    • A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

    • Harris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

    • The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
    • DOCTORS   
    • Sunday Dinner
    • A wealthy old farmer was having a family reunion with his large family and as they all sat down to the table for a Sunday dinner, the old man looked around at his six big strapping sons and said:

    • "I don't see any grandchildren around this table of mine. I want you all to know that I will give $10,000 to the first one of you who presents me with a grandchild. We will now say grace."

    • When he raised his eyes again, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.
    • FUNNY   
    • 500 Excuses to Give Your Wife
    • A door to door salesman knocked on a door and a woman answered.

    • Salesman: Hello, would you like to buy a book titled 500 excuses to give your wife for staying out late?

    • Woman : Why on earth would I buy a book like that ?

    • Salesman: Because, I sold a copy to your husband this morning.



    • Sympathetic Landlord
    • A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

    • "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

    • "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

    • The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes and sobbed, "I'm the landlord."
    • FUNNY   
    • Customer Service
    • A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any more."

    • Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."

    • Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"

    • "Poisonous spiders in the fruit department."
    • FUNNY   
    • Cooking Lesson
    • A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    • Suddenly her husband burst into the Kitchen, "Careful... Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

    • "Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

    • "They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

    • The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    • The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Total Solar Eclipse
    • An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when cannibals capture him. The eclipse is due the next day around noon.

    • To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a "GOD" and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right.

    • So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

    • The guard's answered, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal."

    • "Great," the astronomer replies.

    • The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse.


    • The Silent Fart
    • An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

    • She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

    • He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
    • FUNNY   
    • Work Telephone
    • The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

    • Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

    • Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

    • Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

    • Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones
    • FUNNY   
    • Wars make History
    • The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.

    • "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

    • Not surprisingly, all hands went up.

    • The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

    • A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

    • "Johnny?" The teacher said.

    • "I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Gotcha!!!
    • Farmer Banta killed a lamb and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.

    • He didn’t tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

    • Then another farmer, Santa, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Banta, did you ever find out who stole your lamb?"

    • "Nope," said Banta. "Not until just now.


    • X-Ray Results
    • While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

    • "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

    • "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
    • DOCTORS   
    • A Fat Cat
    • The Grandmother was looking at a picture her six year old granddaughter had drawn of a fat cat.

    • She asked the granddaughter what kind it was.

    • She looked up and said that it was a cat that was going to have kittens. See, I'll show you.

    • Carefully she outlined in pencil four very small kittens inside the cat's body.

    • The grandmother then asked: Do you know how they got there?

    • Looking at her seriously, she said: Of course I know. I drew them.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Last Chance
    • The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young blonde.

    • As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not going well for the young blonde.

    • The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to give the blonde one last chance.

    • He asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

    • The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
    • BLONDES   
    • Insulting Mother-In-Law
    • The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

    • "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

    • "My mother!" he exclaimed."But she is a hundred miles away."

    • "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

    • He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

    • "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'


    • Birthday Piano
    • My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday.

    • A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

    • "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

    • "How come?" I asked.

    • "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
    • FUNNY   
    • Feeling Sick
    • Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains.

    • We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

    • My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

    • I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

    • With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Drawing God
    • A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    • As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    • The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

    • The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

    • Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
    • CHILDREN   
    • First Job
    • Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

    • "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

    • "Well, " the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.
    • =======================
    • Birthday Piano
    • My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday.

    • A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

    • "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

    • "How come?" I asked.

    • "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
    • FUNNY   
    • Feeling Sick
    • Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains.

    • We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

    • My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

    • I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

    • With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Drawing God
    • A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    • As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    • The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

    • The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

    • Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
    • CHILDREN   
    • First Job
    • Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

    • "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

    • "Well, " the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."


    • Scared Alligator
    • So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

    • "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

    • "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

    • "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

    • "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Stung by a Bee
    • Stung by a bee Santa comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain, "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

    • Doctor: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

    • Santa: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

    • Doctor: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

    • Santa: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

    • Doctor (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

    • Santa (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

    • Doctor (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

    • Santa (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Fastest Turtle
    • A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The guy notices a dog laying down on the other side of the bar.

    • The bartender asks the man, "My gosh! What's wrong with your turtle?"

    • "Absolutely nothing," the man responds. "In fact, this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there on your side."

    • So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The guy puts his turtle on the floor and the bartender goes to the other side of the bar. On the count of three, he calls his dog.

    • Suddenly, the guy picks up his turtle and throws it against the wall.

    • "Told you he'd be there before your dog. Pay up!"
    • BAR   
    • Drowning Wife
    • Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

    • The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

    • The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

    • Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

    • The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

    • The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"



    • Keeping a Secret
    • At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

    • "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

    • "I don’t know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

    • "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

    • "I hardly think so!" responded the blonde lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
    • BLONDES  1
    • A Blonde's First Aid
    • A blonde got a job at a local bar. On her first day she was late to work. Whe she arrives at work the bartender asks her as she walks in the door.

    • "How come you're late?"

    • "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

    • "What did you do?" asks the bartender.

    • "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
    • BLONDES   
    • Successful Operation
    • A politician awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

    • "Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor.

    • "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.
    • LAWYERS   
    • Wife's Surprise Visit
    • Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

    • As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.

    • Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter:

    • "And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."



    • Corrupt Politicians
    • A member of the Parliament, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this House is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

    • All the other members demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

    • After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "Okay," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Housee is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • A Faint Moan...
    • A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

    • At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

    • They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

    • A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

    • As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the fucking wall!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Miraculous and Powerful Wife
    • Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    • Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    • Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    • Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem Can there be greater than this one?'
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Bright Light of Prosperity
    • In Lok Sabha, a Congress MP during his speech told a story.....

    • "There was a father who gave 100 rupees to each of his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

    • "First son bought hay for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

    • "Second son bought cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

    • "Third son bought a candle for Re. 1/- and lit it up and the room was completely filled with light."

    • The MP added, "Our Prime Minister is like the third son. From the day he has taken charge of his office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"

    • A voice from the backbench asked: "Where is the remaining Rs. 99


    • Confessional Confusion
    • A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing.

    • The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts.

    • Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

    • The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

    • Finally the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."
    • BAR   
    • Sexuality and Mystery
    • The blonde college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

    • She was the only one who received an A+. This is what she wrote:

    • "Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
    • BLONDES   
    • Emergency Service
    • A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

    • The other guy whips out his mobile phone and callls the emergency services.

    • He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    • The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    • There's silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Smart Answer
    • Santa and his wife Jeeto were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

    • Santa said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

    • "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

    • "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."

    • Jeeto looked at Santa and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"


    • Alcohol abuse lecture
    • An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    • The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

    • The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

    • The man replies, "That would be my wife."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • New Business
    • A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques

    • However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal.

    • He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

    • The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Urgent Call
    • An attorney telephoned the Governor's mansion just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him, regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

    • An aide eventually agreed to wake up the Governor.

    • "So, what is it?" grumbled the Governor.

    • "Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

    • The Governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the undertaker."
    • FUNNY   
    • Statues' Revenge
    • There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!

    • The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

    • He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

    • The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

    • The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

    • He asks her, "Shall we?"

    • She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.


    • Boys and Tampons
    • Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a Box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

    • The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

    • "Eight," the boy replied.

    • The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

    • The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able To swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
    • CHILDREN  3
    • Never Mess with a Woman
    • A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

    • They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

    • When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

    • "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

    • "Which word?" the woman asked.

    • "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

    • About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

    • "Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"

    • "Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"

    • "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

    • "Which word?" her husband asked.

    • "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," she replied.

    • Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!

    • NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)
    • MARRIAGE  1
    • Future Value
    • A motorist, driving in the countryside, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

    • The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

    • "Oh, about Rs 3,000 today," said the owner. "But in four years it would have been worth Rs 30,000. So Rs 30,000 is what I have lost."

    • The motorist sat down and wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.

    • "Here," he said, "is the cheque for 30,000. It's postdated four years from now."
    • FUNNY   
    • Inheriting a Fortune
    • When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

    • So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    • "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

    • Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.


    • Birthday Gift for Boss
    • Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

    • Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

    • His employees replied, "No."

    • Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid, "A bottle of scotch?"

    • "His employees replied again, "No."

    • Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

    • His workers responded, "A puppy."
    • FUNNY   
    • Ball Size
    • After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

    • The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball

    • The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling

    • The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: Football

    • The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball

    • The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis

    • The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf

    • Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
    • SPORTS   
    • Like a Newborn
    • Sam and Pam live in a retirement home. One day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Sam turns to Pam and says, "Pam, I'm 85 years old and I'm full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

    • Pam replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

    • "Really? Like a baby?"

    • "Yes," replies Pam, "no hair, no teeth and I think I just wet myself."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Examination
    • Preeto took her husband Banta to see a psychiatrist for a check up.

    • After examining him, the doctor took Preeto to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."

    • "I’m not really surprised," Preeto replied, "He's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years."


    • Marketing Strategy
    • Morris was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Shirley dies. At the cemetery, Morris's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

    • "Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

    • Morris was standing in front of Shirley's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

    • His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's headstone."

    • Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."
    • FUNNY   
    • Making a Good Impression
    • A young executive was leaving the office of a major corporation late one evening when he found the CEO himself standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

    • Eager to make a good impression, the young exec introduced himself and asked if he could be of any help.

    • "Why yes," said the CEO, holding up the piece of paper. "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

    • "Certainly," said the young executive, happy for a chance to help the boss.

    • The young man turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

    • "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I'll need two copies."
    • FUNNY   
    • The good news about the bad news
    • Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"

    • "Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."

    • "But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

    • "I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

    • "Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Next Baby
    • Santa picked up his wife Jeeto and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home.

    • It was not long before Jeeto suggested that Santa try his hand at changing a diaper.

    • "I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do the next one."

    • The next time soon came around, so Jeeto asked him again.

    • Santa looked at Jeeto and said innocently, "I didn't mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby."


    • The beggar
    • A beggar knocked on the door of a house.

    • "What do you want?" said the owner.

    • "Can you spare some money to help a poor person?" said the beggar.

    • But as soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, "Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week."

    • "Well, my son can afford to," said the owner, "he has a very rich father."
    • FUNNY   
    • All but One
    • One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

    • When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

    • "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." 

    • "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

    • The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Smith on the third floor."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Cheap Date
    • Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

    • Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

    • "Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

    • "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Don't Mess with Old People!
    • It was early one morning when the Pastor heard a noise outside his door.

    • When he opened it, he found a donkey standing outside, which immediately fell over dead.

    • Not exactly knowing what to do about the situation, he called the local sheriff and told him about what was laying before him.

    • The sheriff couldn't resist jabbing at the Minister and said, "Pastor, I thought the first duty of the Minister was to bury the dead."

    • Without hesitation, the Pastor said, "No, the first duty of the Minister is to notify the next of kin."


    • Dissecting The Future
    • Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic.

    • A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    • The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

    • "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  1
    • Machine to impress a Girl
    • An old guy (not in the best of shape) was attempting to work out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing....

    • He asked the trainer who was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

    • The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."
    • FUNNY   
    • Before It Starts
    • A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

    • The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

    • Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

    • She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

    • He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

    • The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

    • The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Lethal Food
    • A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

    • "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

    • "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

    • "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

    • The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake.


    • Beautiful
    • There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

    • His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

    • His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

    • Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

    • She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

    • His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Magical Dancing Duck
    • A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

    • The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 

    • Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

    • "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Santa's Blind Date
    • Banta sets up his friend Santa to go on a blind date with a college friend.

    • Santa is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.

    • "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Santa, "I'll be with her all night."

    • "Don't worry," Banta says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" and fake a heart attack."

    • That night Santa knocks at the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot and gorgeous she is.

    • He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts, "Aaaaaauuuuggghh!" and collapses with a heart attack.
    • SANTABANTA  1
    • Lip Prints
    • In an middle school a number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

    • That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    • Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

    • Finally, the Head Teacher decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

    • To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

    • He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

    • Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

    • There are teachers..and then there are educators.


    • 911 Call
    • There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

    • She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

    • In a panic she called 911.

    • They answered and said, "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

    • The blonde replied, "Yes my shed is on fire!!!"

    • Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

    • The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

    • Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

    • The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
    • BLONDES   
    • Rifle Range Trouble
    • A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

    • His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face.

    • "What's the matter with you?" shouted the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

    • "I was a Cable TV repair man," replied the recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

    • The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

    • "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Setting up the first date
    • Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

    • When the girl got back from the date she said: "That was the worst night of my life!"

    • "Why is that?" her mom asked.

    • "He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

    • "Isn't that a good thing?"

    • "He's the original owner mom!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Does God Exist?
    • A Christian and an atheist were neighbors.

    • The Christian one day yells, "Lord please sends me food".

    • The atheist heard this and replies, "There is no GOD!"

    • The next day the Christian wakes up and goes to her porch to find that there were bags of groceries.

    • She yells, "Thank You LORD for this food!"

    • As soon as soon as the Christian said that the atheist jumps out from the brush and replies, "Yyour GOD didn't give you that food…I did!"

    • Without wasting a second the Christian yells to the LORD, "Thank you for sending me this food and making the Satan pay for it.


    • Blind Date
    • After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

    • Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

    • When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

    • "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Marrying An Atheist
    • One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad.

    • She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

    • "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

    • "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

    • Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Wife or Mistress ?
    • An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    • The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    • The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

    • The engineer said, "I like both."

    • "Both?"

    • Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
    • FUNNY   
    • Wife's Revenge
    • "Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

    • As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

    • "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

    • "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.


    • Emergency Call
    • A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

    • "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

    • "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

    • As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

    • "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
    • DOCTORS   
    • The doctor and the plumber
    • A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.

    • The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did some mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

    • The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous, I don't even make this much money!"

    • The plumber replied, "Neither did I when I was a doctor".
    • DOCTORS  7
    • Puking Captain
    • A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

    • As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.

    • Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

    • The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

    • "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
    • FUNNY   
    • A Disappointed Salesman
    • A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Saudi Arabia.

    • A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Saudis?"

    • The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So I planned to convey the message through three posters. First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.

    • Second poster: The man is grinking Coca-Cola.

    • Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And then these posters were posted all over the place.

    • "Terrific! That should have worked" said the friend.

    • "The hell it should have!" said the salesman. "No one told me they read from right to left."


    • Night Duty
    • A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

    • Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

    • "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

    • As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

    • "Yeah, so?" said the officer.

    • "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Benefits of Green Tea
    • A young woman arrived to her doctor with black and blue signs of beating.

    • Doctor, "What happened?"

    • Woman, "Doctor, I do not know what to do, whenever my husband comes home drunk he beats the hell out of me, almost killing me."

    • Doctor, "I have a really good medication for it. When your husband comes home drunk you just take a glass of Green tea and start to gargle and gargle, as much as you can do ...... and that's all you have to do"

    • Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor reborn and with a grateful look in her eyes ....

    • Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant medicine! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled and gargled with Green tea and nothing happened! He Has gone straight to bed."

    • Doctor, "You see how it helps to keep your mouth shut?"
    • DOCTORS   
    • Cardiologist's Funeral
    • A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

    • When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

    • Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

    • The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

    • "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

    • "What's so funny about that?"

    • "I'm a gynecologist."
    • SANTABANTA  1
    • Where should we meet?
    • A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and great figures.

    • 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and they have a fine wine selection.

    • 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smokefree.

    • 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

    • 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they have never been there before.


    • Cheating husband ?
    • There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...

    • A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    • From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

    • She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    • As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    • "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Feeling Like a Newborn
    • Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?"

    • Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

    • "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

    • "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
    • FUNNY   
    • Indians and Rebirth
    • The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean, since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing! They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line.'

    • The Lord said, "Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call."

    • Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."

    • Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?"

    • Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

    • Satan says, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

    • After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?"

    • Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

    • Satan says, "Man I don't believe this .. Hold on."

    • This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes.

    • He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire, which is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!!

    • "Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME and GOD. They have started a social network service for the troubled and believe in Karma and are good in convincing others. Some were trying to start a chai - pakora, Chole batura, channa, Dosa and samosa, barfi, Chakli and Dokla shop, which I had to stop.

    • "Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on earth. We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this is Hell, but they have no problems in doing everything outside in open.

    • "They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staffs are being bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and corruption in Hell. They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they came. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! I am therefore requesting you OH LORD, PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth".

    • So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born !
    • COMMUNITIES  21
    • Pet Fish?
    • A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

    • The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    • The Cajun replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."

    • "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

    • "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home."

    • "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

    • The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."

    • "O.K. I've GOT to see this!"

    • The game warden was curious now. The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited.

    • After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

    • "Well, what?" said the Cajun.

    • "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

    • "Call who back?" the Cajun asked.

    • "The FISH"

    • "What fish?" the Cajun asked.


    • Racist Bar!
    • A black guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

    • Bartender says, "Sorry sir, we don't serve your kind here! There's another bar about ten minutes down the street."

    • So the black guy promptly leaves.

    • A short time later, another black guy enters the bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

    • The bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve your type here. There's another bar about 10 minutes down the street that serves your type!"

    • So the second black guy leaves and heads for the other bar.

    • A short time later, Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

    • The bartender says, "Jesus Christ! We don't serve your type here, but there's another bar about 10 minutes down the street."

    • Ben Johnson can't believe what he's hearing and says to the bartender, "Do you know who the hell I am? I'm Ben Johnson!"

    • The bartender says, "Oh I am terribly sorry I didn't recognize you! Then it should only take you about 5 minutes to get to the other bar!"
    • COMMUNITIES  2
    • Microsoft's support office
    • There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

    • Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?"

    • To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

    • The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

    • The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

    • "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  10
    • Joys of Shopping
    • A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

    • The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

    • 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

    • 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

    • 'Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    • A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    • 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    • 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

    • Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

    • He never knew what hit him.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Best Divorce Letter
    • I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

    • Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

    • Your EX-Husband
    • P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!!!

    • Dear Ex-Husband,
    • Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work.

    • I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
    • Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
    • P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.


    • The Art of Fishing
    • Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

    • A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

    • "We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

    • "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

    • "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

    • The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

    • "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want," and with that, the Game Warden left.

    • As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

    • "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
    • BLONDES  1
    • Valentine's Day Cards
    • A woman went to the mall to buy Valentine's Day cards for her son and father.

    • The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded her.

    • She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-husbands."

    • The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes maim, they do, but they re in Sporting Goods."

    • "Really?" exclaimed the woman.

    • "Yes maim. They're called darts."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Beauty Cream
    • Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

    • "Why do you do that, Mom?"

    • "To make myself beautiful," she answered.

    • She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.

    • "What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Smartest Kid !!!
    • Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
    • Answer: his last battle.










    No comments :

    Post a Comment