jokesnew


  • Cleaning Chickens
  • Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Johnny, "You're late again, Johnny, for the third time this month."

  • Little Johnny said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."

  • Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Johnny what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Johnny and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

  • Johnny said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!" 

  • Little Johnny went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back!"

  • Johnny continued, "There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window."

  • Little Johnny said, "As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Buddy, snuck up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless; old Buddy stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!

  • "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin` chickens since three o'clock this morning!"
  • LITTLE JOHNNY   
  • Imported Perfumes
  • Once Jeeto was riding in a fancy hotel's elevator.

  • On the second floor, a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She smoothed down the skirt of her hot pink dress, looks down at Desi Jeeto, raises her nose snootily, and arrogantly says: Giorgio Armani, $150 an ounce.

  • Just as she speaks, the elevator opens and a glamorous former supermodel, age 45 steps on. She's draped in a mink stole and wears tall leather boots from Italy. She hears what the younger woman has said to Jeeto and flips her hair and boasts: Chanel, $200 an ounce.

  • About two floors later, Jeeto has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she stops, turns around, making eye-contact with the two snotty women, and then she promptly bends over, farts... and says: Mooli... 10 Rs per kg...
  • FUNNY   
  • First Date Proposal
  • Pappu walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title: 'Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want.'
  • So he picks it up and opens it to a random page. Chapter 1 - 'The First Date'
  • =========================================
  • He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

  • When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

  • Pappu says, "Hi, Simmi? Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

  • Siimis, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

  • Pappu gets excited. He thought she'd say, 'No Way!' but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

  • Pappu asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

  • Simmi replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

  • "Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

  • =========================================


  • Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

  • "Sixty is the worst age to be," said Ruth, the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

  • "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old, Maxine. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

  • "Actually," said Gilda, the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

  • "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked Ruth.

  • "No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

  • "Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?" Maxine questioned.

  • "No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m," Gilda responded.

  • Puzzled with this, Ruth said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what's so tough about being 80?"

  • "I don't wake up until 7."
  • FUNNY   
  • Cheque Aaya Re!
  • Ek Badi Hi Sundar Mahila Aksar Is Private Bank Mei Aaya Karti Thai. Is Bank Ke Sabhi Male Employees Us Mahila Ki Khoobsurati Se Bade Prabahavit The Aur Use Dekhne Ka Koi Mauka Haath Se Jaane Nahin Dete The.

  • Isliye Sabhi Ne Milkar Ko Cashier Ko Bol Rakha Tha Ki Jab Bhi Vo Mahila Aaye Toh Zor Se Awaaz Lagana: Cheque Aaya Re... Cheque...!

  • Jab Aisa 3-4 Baar Ho Gaya Toh Us Mahila Ko Bhi Samajh Aa Gaya Ki Ye Saara Chakkar Kya Hai... Aur Ho Na Ho Ye Awaaz Usi Ke Liya Lagti Hai.

  • Ek Din Jaise Hi Vo Aayi Toh Cashier Is Baar Bhi Zor Se Bola: Cheque Aaya Re... Cheque!

  • Ye Sunte Hi Mahila Ne Halka Sa Muskurate Aur Sharmaate Hue... Apna Mangalsutra Sabko Dikhate Hue Bade Hi Pyaar Se Boli: Cheque Toh Aaye Re... Lekin Account Payee Hai!!!
  • HINGLISH   
  • Be Careful What You Wish For
  • Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared.

  • "I will grant you one wish," said the genie.

  • "One? What about three?"

  • "One or none; take it or leave it!"

  • Without thinking, Pat blurted out, "Turn the ocean into Guinness!"

  • The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted.

  • "Dammit, Pat... Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we're going to have to pee in the damned boat!"
  • COMMUNITIES   
  • Medical Specialists!
  • A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient, was understandably nervous. When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped down into the patient's throat.

  • "Sorry," said the doctor. "You're outside my specialty now. You should see a laryngologist!."

  • By the time the unfortunate victim got to the laryngologist, the tooth had worked its way much further down.

  • The laryngologist examined the man.

  • "Sorry," said the doctor, "You're outside my specialty now. You should see a Gastrologist!"

  • The gastrologist X-rayed the patient.

  • "Sorry," said the doctor,"the tooth has traveled into your lower intestines. You should see an enterologist!''

  • The enterologist took some X rays.

  • "Sorry, the toothisn't there. It must have gone down farther. You should see a proctologist!"

  • Ourpatient is now on the proctologist's examining table, in the properelbow-knee position.

  • The· doctor has inserted a proctoscope and is looking through it.

  • "Good heavens, man! You've got a tooth up there! You should see a dentist!"

  • Dedicated to Super Speciality Hospitals.

  • =========================================


  • Ek Aadmi Ek Aisi Robot Car Banat Hai Jo Bina Driver Ke Sab Kaam Karti Hai. 

  • Ek Din Us Aadmi Ki Wife Usse Kehti Hai: Bachchon Ki School Ki Chhutti Ka Time Ho Gaya, Apni Car Se Bolo Baccho Ko Le Aaye. 

  • Aadmi Ne Car Ko Bola: Go And Get My Kids From School. 

  • Car Ko Gaye Kaafi Time Ho Gaya Tha. 

  • Ek Ghanta Ho Gaya Lekin Car Nahi Aayi, Do Ghante Ho Gaye The Lekin Car Ka Abhi Bhi Koi Ata Pata Nahi Tha. 

  • Aakhir Mein Aadmi Car Ko Dhundne Ke Liye Ghar Se Bahar Nikla Hi Tha Ki Car Bacchon Se Full Load Hokar Aa Rahi Thi. 

  • Car Mein Colony Ke 4 Bacche, Boss Ke 2 Bacche Aur Kaamwali Ka Bhi 1 Baccha Tha. 

  • Uski Wife Gusse Se Boli: Sach Sach Batao Kya Ye Tumhare Baccha Hain?

  • Aadmi Bhi Gusse Se Bola: Wo Sab To Thek Hai Lekin Pehle Tu Ye Bata Ki Car Mein Hamare Bacche Kyun Nahi Aaye?
  • HINGLISH   
  • Banta Quickies
  • Banta Apne Guruji Ka Pravachan Sunne Gaya.
  • Guruji Bole: Jo Jo Swarg Jaana Chahta Hai Vo Apna Haath Khada Kare.
  • Banta Ki Gharwali Aur Saas Ne Apne Haath Upar Utha Diye.
  • Guruji Ne Banta Se Pucha: Kya Tum Swarg Nahin Jaana Chahte?
  • Banta: Guruji, Yeh Dono Chali Jayengi Toh Yahin Par Swarg Ho Jayega.

  • Aaj Banta Ko Ek Ladki Ka Message Aya.
  • Girl: Hi......
  • Banta: Hello
  • Girl: How Are You?
  • Banta: Fine
  • Girl: Where Are You From?
  • Banta: Hoshiarpur
  • Girl: Aap Kitna Pade-Likhe Ho?
  • Banta: Tumhare Jitna.
  • Girl: Mere Jite!!! Matlab?
  • Banta: Main Bhi Bas Itni Angreji Bol Kar Seedha Hindi Mein Shuru Ho Jata Hun...
  • Girl: Mar Ja Kaminee... Tera Kcuh Nahin Hoga!!!

  • Ghar Ka Kaam Time Se Aur Achche Tarike Se Nahi Ho Paa Raha Tha Toh Banta Apni Biwi Ko Bola: Kaam Ke Liye Koi Bai Hi Rakh Lete Hai?
  • Preeto Gusse Se Boli: Nahi Chahiye.
  • Banta: Kyun?
  • Preeto: Achchi Tarah Jaanti Hun Mein Tumhe Aur Tumhari Tharki Aadaton Ko, Main Bhi Toh Bai Bankar Hi Aayi Thi Kamine.

  • Ek Diwaar Par Likha Tha: Yahaan Kutte Susu Karte Hain.
  • Banta Ko Badi Zor Se Susu Aaya Thha, Usne Idhar Udhar Dekha Ki Koi Bhi Nahi Dekh Raha Toh Waha Susu Kar Diya.
  • Phir Muskura Kar Bola: Ise Kehte Hai Dimaag, Susu Maine Kiya Naam Kutte Ka Aaya.
  • HINGLISH   
  • Log Kya Kahenge...
  • Gharwale Ladki Ki Marzi Ke Bina Ladki Ki Shaadi Kar Rahe The.

  • Ladki Apni Maa Se Kehti Hai: Mammi, Main Ye Shaadi Nahi Karungi Aur Agar Tumne Mujhse Zabardasti Ki To Main Ghar Se Bhaag Jaungi Aur Apne Boyfriend Se Marriage Kar Lungi.

  • Maa Rote Hue: Beti Ye Kya Keh Rahi Hai Tu, Maine Tere Baap Se Bhaag Ke Shaadi Ki, Teri Badi Behan Aur Teri Bua Ne Bhi Bhaag Ke Shaadi Ki, Tera Bhai Naukrani Ke Saath Bhaga Aur Teri Maasi Ek Dukandaar Ke Saath Bhaag Gayi, Tera Chacha Apni Padosan Ke Saath Aur Uski Ladki Apne Tutuion Wale Teacher Ke Saath Bhag Gayi.
  • Aur Toh Aur Tera Baap Do Baar Padosan Ke Sath Bhaag Gaya Aur Ab Tu Bhi Bhaag Jayegi Toh Iss Ghar Ki Kya Ijjat Reh Jayegi, Log Kya Kahenge... Beta Hamari Izzat Ka Kuch Toh Khayal Kar.
  • HINGLISH   
  • Painless Tooth Removal
  • A Sindhi went to a dentist for tooth extraction and first enquired about cost.

  • Dentist said it's 1200 per extraction. The Sindhi thought it was too much and asked about cheaper methods.

  • The dentist said: Yes, it can be done without anesthesia and will cost only Rs. 300, but it would be very very painful.

  • Sindhi said: Ok Doctor, do it without anesthesia.

  • The dentist removed the tooth without anesthesia and during the entire procedure the Sindhi sat quietly, even smiling a little.

  • The dentist was not only surprised but was quite impressed and said: I have never seen such a brave patient like you. I don't even want my fees, here, instead take this Rs. 500 as a reward, you've taught me such a powerful lesson today about mastering one's pain and feelings !!!

  • In the evening he met his fellow dentists and told everyone about his amazing Sindhi patient. Out of all doctors, one doctor jumped up and shouted: That rascal Sindhi first came to me... I gave him anesthesia and asked him to wait outside for half an hour ! After half an hour when I called him he had left !!!!

  • =========================================

  • Pappu goes up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I have a drinking problem. I need help."

  • Jeeto, of course, freaks out and yells, "How did this happen?!"

  • She turns to her husband and says, "This is all your fault! You're the one that comes home drunk and gives such a bad example to all of our children."

  • Santa yells back, "Oh, I'm the one that does it? I do nothing but give to this family! Your the one that was drinking beer while breast feeding when I told you not to!"

  • Jeeto yells, "Get out! You are a horrible person and I never want to see you again!"

  • He grabs his collection of stuff and yells, "Fine! I don't need you!" and he walks out of the door.

  • Pappu is standing there crying, not knowing what to think of the situation other than he knows his dad is gone.

  • Jeeto turns to him and says, "Don't cry Pappu, it will be fine... Now just tell me all about your drinking problem and we will get you some help."

  • Pappu says, "Well... the problem is, if Simar drinks 675 ml of orange juice, Pinky drinks 545 ml, and Manu drinks 860 ml, how much orange juice did they drink?"
  • SANTABANTA  6
  • My Wife's Lovers
  • One day a man came back early from his office. He was shocked to see his wife with another guy. He told his wife to go out of the room.

  • Then he said to the guy: What are you doing here?

  • The guy replied: I love your wife & she loves me too.?

  • The man said: I know that my wife loves me and not you.

  • After a long conversation they decided: We'll lets hold our guns & fire at each other and pretend to be dead. she will mourn for the guy she loves the most and the other person will get out of their lives.

  • The wife heard the gunshots, she came into the room, shocked and surprised, stood staring at both the dead bodies.

  • Suddenly she started laughing out loudly, rejoicing and shouted: Bob... Get out of that wardrobe, these 2 idiots are dead now!?
  • MARRIAGE  3
  • Bollywood Movies Directed by Bewda
  • If Bollywood Movies Were Directed In Pubs:

  • 1. Sita Aur Margarita

  • 2. Corona Pyaar Hai

  • 3. Soda Akbar

  • 4. Rab Ne Pila Di Thodi

  • 5. Rum Whiskey Se Kam Nahi

  • 6. Rum De Basanti

  • 7. Hum Tight Ho Chuke Sanam

  • 8. Pissed Out At Lokhandwala

  • 9. Jo Pilaye Wahi Bartender

  • 10. Rum Maaro Rum

  • 11. Beer Zaara

  • 12. Bev-D

  • 13. Beer Belly

  • 14. Gin Na Milegi Dubara
  • HINGLISH  14
  • The Power Of Prayer
  • A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

  • With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

  • Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

  • The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

  • He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

  • After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

  • Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

  • =========================================
  • Santa & Jeeto Ke Kisse
  • Jeeto Ne Apni Kaam Waali Baai Ko Apna Ek Purana Suit De Diya.
  • 2 Din Baad Kaam Waali Gusse Se: Maalkin, Ye Pakdo Apna Suit Mujhe Nahi Chahiye.
  • Jeeto: Kya Hua Re Tujhe... Suit Lekar Toh Bade Shouk Se Gayi Thi, Ab Kya Ho Gaya?
  • Kaam Waali: Hona Kya Hai Maalkin Jab Mein Ye Suit Pehan Ke Aati Hun Toh Sahab Aap Ho Samajh Kar Meri Taraf Dhyaan Bhi Nahi Dete, Aur... Aur.... Jeeto: Aur Kya???
  • Kaam Waali: Aur Driver Peeche Se Aakar Lipat Jaata Hai.

  • Santa Subha Office Ke Liye Tayaar Ho Raha Tha.
  • Santa Apni Wife, Jeeto Se Bola: Jeeto, Meri Blue Wali Shirt Kahan Hai?
  • Jeeto: Oh Sorry Ji, Wo Toh Aaj Mere Se Jal Gayi.
  • Santa: Chal Koi Na, Mere Paas Waisi Ek Aur Bhi Hai, Wo Le Aa.
  • Jeeto: Pata Hai Ji, Maine Usmein Se Kapda Kaat Ke Pehle Wali Mein Laga Diya Hai.

  • Santa Ke Ghar Aag Lagne Par Uski Patni Ki Kuch Body Jal Gayi.
  • Santa Usko Shehar Ke Mashoor Surgeon Ke Paas Le Gaya.
  • Santa: Doctor Sahab, Plastic Surgery Karvane Mein Kitna Kharcha Aayega?
  • Doctor: Sab Mila Ke Lagbhag 10 Lakh.
  • Santa Kuch Soch Kar Bola: Doctor Sahab, Aur Agar Plastic Hum De Toh?
  • HINGLISH  30
  • Trump's First Briefing
  • Trump's first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI.

  • Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
  • CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.
  • Trump: The Democrats created them.
  • CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.
  • Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
  • CIA: We can't do that.
  • Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
  • CIA: Sir, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.
  • Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
  • Pentagon: Sir, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.
  • Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
  • Pentagon: We cannot do that either, sir.
  • Trump: Why not?
  • CIA: We are talking to them, sir.
  • Trump: What? Why?
  • CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.
  • Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
  • CIA: Sir, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
  • Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
  • CIA: We need the Shi'ite gov't of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.
  • Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
  • FBI: We can't do that.
  • Trump: Why not?
  • FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.
  • Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
  • Border patrol: You can't do that, sir.
  • Trump: Why not?
  • Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?
  • Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
  • USCIS: You cannot do that.
  • Trump: Why?
  • Chief of staff: If you do so we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.
  • Trump: What the hell should I do???
  • CIA: Enjoy the White House, sir! We will take care of the rest!!!

  • God bless America!
  • NEWS AND POLITICS  7
  • Obama Calls NaMo
  • Obama: Hey Modi... How are you?

  • Modi: I'm good Barack. How are you doing?

  • Obama: I'm absolutely fine. Where is Kejriwal, BTW?

  • Modi: Not sure, but probably in Punjab or Delhi.

  • Obama: He is doing amazing work, I'm so inpressed!

  • Modi: !!!

  • Obama: The way his Mohalla Clinic near Mahima Furniture, Kriti Nagar is working is fabulous! Also the way Rakesh Tomar, Vivek Goel & Tanya Arora got driving licences without bribe is amazing... it proves that corruption is really coming down...
  • Modi: !!!!

  • Obama: .... Due to Odd-Even the way pollution level came down at Munirika, Ward No 6 clearly shows his commitment towards Delhi. And don't you think that the way he sent water tanker in just 1 hour to Laxmi Nagar, near Metro station after water pipeline damage was beyond imagination in previous govt.?

  • Modi: hmmmmmm... But Barack how do you know all this?

  • Obama: Oh Man... It's simple... Yesterday I was reading his 4 page advertisement in New York Times!!!

  • ....and few minutes later Canadian PM Justin Trudeau calls PM Modi.... And rest you know....
  • NEWS AND POLITICS  14
  • Love Marriage!
  • Ladka Apni Maa Se Jaake Puchhta Hai: Maa Kya Love Marriage Karne Se Ghar Wale Naraaz Hote Hain?

  • Maa: Tu Pakka Kisi Chudail Ke Chakkar Mein Phas Gaya Hoga Aur Ye Sab Tujhe Usi Daayan Ne Kaha Hoga. Aajkal Ki Ladkiyan Toh Bas Ladko Ko Phasane Mein Lagi Rehti Hain, Jahan Achcha Ladka Dekha Nahi Ki Shuru Ho Jaati Hain... Beta Tu Inse Bach Ke Rehna, Ye Badi Dhokhebaaz Hoti Hain Aur Inka To Khaandaan Bhi.....

  • Ladka Maa Ko Beech Mein Tokta Hai Aur Kehta Hai: Maa Aisa Kuchh Nahi Hai, Wo Toh Papa Bata Rahe The Ki Aap Dono Ki Love Marriage Hui Thi...
  • ================================

  • One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

    • She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

    • After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, "Aren't you going to arrest me?"

    • The cop asked, "Why?"

    • She replied, "Cause I was drinking and driving!"

    • The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, "We can't arrest you if you're driving while drinking... water!"
    • BLONDES  3
    • Magnetic Compass
    • Gorkha Battalion Troops Ki Map Reading Class.

    • JCO: Jawanon... Ye Ek Compass Hai... Ye Hamesha North Dikhata Hai.

    • Sepoy: Saabji Ye Hamesha North Hi Kyon Dikhata Hai?...

    • Jco: North Me Ek Bahut Bada Magnet Ka Pahar Hai. Isiliye.

    • Sepoy: Saabji, Ager Us Hum Us Pahar Ke Niche Pahunchega Tab?

    • Jco: Tab Bhi Pahar Ki Taraf North Me Hi Dikhayega.

    • Sepoy: Saaabji, Hum Pahar Ke Uper Chad Jayega Tab?

    • Jco: Iska Jawab Tea Break Ke Bad...

    • After Tea Break

    • Sepoy: Saabji........

    • Jco: Aisa Hai, CO Sahab Ne Kaha Hai Koi Bhi Jawan Pahar Par Nahi Chadega.

    • Sepoy: Jo Hukum Shaaaab!!
    • MILITARY  6
    • Huge Pill
    • Banta went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After careful examination, the doctor gave him a huge pill.

    • "I'll be right back with some water," the doctor said.

    • The doctor was gone quite a while and eventually Banta lost his patience. He hobbled to the sink, forced the huge pill down, slurped water from the sink until the pill cleared his throat, and then hobbled back onto the examining table.

    • In walks the doctor with a bucket of warm water and Ssid, "Okay, once the tablet has dissolved, soak your foot in it for at least a half hour."
    • SANTABANTA  6
    • Lying Boyfriend
    • Do Ladkiyan Aapas Mein Baatein Kar Rahi Thi.

    • 1st Girl: Aaj Ke Baad Kisi Bhi Ladke Par Vishwaas Nahi Karungi, Sab Sale Jhoothe, Dhokhebaaz Aur Kameene Hote Hain...

    • Her Friend: Kyun Kya Hua, Tere Boy Friend Ne Tujhe Kuch Kaha Kya?

    • 1st Girl Gusse Mein: Naam Mat Le Us Jhuthe Dokhebaaj Ka, Main Toh Aaj Ke Baad Uska Munh Bhi Nahi Dekhungi.

    • Friend Ne Hairani Se Puchha: Kyun? Aisa Bhi Kya Ho Gaya, Tune Use Kisi Aur Ladki Ke Saath Pakad Liya Kya?

    • 1st Girl: Arre Nahi... Uski Itni Aukaat Kahan Ki Vo Dusri Girlfriend Rakhe...

    • Her Friend: Toh Phir Hua Kya ???

    • 1st Girl: Yaar Usne Mujhe Mere 2nd Boy Friend Ke Saath Dekh Liya, Jab Ki Usne Mujhe Kal Kaha Tha Ki Woh Out Of City Ja Raha Hai... Kamina Kahin Ka.... Ek Number Ka Liar


    • Sher Ki Sawari
    • Pappu Apne Papa Santa Se Circus Dekhne Ke Liye Zidd Karta Hai.

    • Pappu: Papa Circus Dekhne Chalo Na.

    • Santa: No Son, I Am Very Busy.

    • Pappu: Papa Usmein Ek Ladki Ne Bina Kapdon Ke Sher Pe Sawari Ki Hai.

    • Santa: O Yaar Pappu... Bahut Ziddi Ho Gaye Ho, Apni Har Baat Zidd Karke Manva Hi Lete Ho, Chalo Bahut Din Ho Gaye Maine Bhi Sher Nahi Dekha.

    • Pappu Aur Santa Circus Dekhne Chale Jaate Hain. Santa Ne Sabse Aage Wali Seat Ki Tickets Li. Lion Show Shuru Hua Aur Khatam Bhi Ho Gaya Par Bina Kapdon Ki Ladki Nahi Aayi.

    • Sara Circus Show Kahatam Hone Ke Baad Santa: Oye Pappu, Tune Toh Kaha Tha Ki Ek Ladki Bina Kapdon Ke Aayegi?

    • Pappu: Bina Kapdon Ke To Sher Kaha Tha Papa, Ladki Nahi.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Santa, Banta Aur Pappu
    • Banta Suhagrat Pe Apni Nayi Naveli Dulhan Ke Paas Jaa Ke Baith Gay Aur Bade Pyaar Se Samjhane Laga.
    • Banta: Dekho, Sabse Pyaar Se Rehna, Sabki Respect Karna, Unka Vishwas Jeetne Ki Koshish Karna, Unki Care Karna, Hamesha Sach Bolna...
    • Dulhan: Achcha ji, Thek Hai...
    • Banta: Choton Se Hamesha Pyaar Se Baat Karna, Subah Jaldi Utha, Thoda Pooja Paath Karna, Bade-Bjurgon Ki Sewa Karna... Aur Pata Nahin Kya Kya....
    • Dulhan Bechari Bore Ho Rahi Thi... Phir Vo Fatafat Uthi Aur Room Ka Darwaza Khol Kar Chilla Kar Boli: Arey Sab Log Andar Aa Jaao, Yahaan Satsang Ho Raha Hai...

    • Santa Apne Motaape Ki Wajah Se Tang Aa Kar Doctor Ke Paas Gaya.
    • Santa: Doctor Sahab Is Mote Pet Ka Kuch Karo.
    • Doctor: Iska To Sirf Ek Hi Ilaaj Hai.
    • Santa: Wo Kya Doctor Sahab?
    • Doctor: Tum Roz Sirf Do Hi Rotiyan Khaya Karo.
    • Santa: Hmmmm, Par Ye Do Rotiya Khaane Se Pehle Khani Hai Ya Baad Mein?

    • Pappu Ki Bike Ki Takkar Ek Scooty Waali Ladki Se Ho Gayi Aur Bechari Ladki Gir Gayi
    • Bheed Jama Ho Gayi Aur Sabne Pappu Ko Kaafi Maara, Peeta, Aur Phir Ladki Aur Uski Scooty Ko Uthaya...
    • Ek Aadmi Ne Pucha: Ap Theek Ho, LAgi Toh Nahin?
    • Ladki: Arey Nahi, Ye Toh Roz KA Kaam Hai... Vo Actually Mein Abhi Seekh Rahi Hun Na...

    • Madam Asked His Student, Pappu, To Get His Father's Signature On His Report Card.
    • Pappu Bought His Report Card Next Day With A Signature On It - @@@@@@@@@ Madam Hairani Se: Pappu!!! Yeh Kaise Signature Hain?
    • Pappu: Vo Mam, Mere Daddy Ki Jalebi Ki Dukaan Hai, Unka Haath Aise Hi Chalta Hai.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Balls and Brains!
    • A Marine General, an Army General and a Navy Admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.

    • The Army General says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

    • The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

    • The General says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

    • Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

    • The General says, "See? That man has balls!"

    • The Marine General says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"

    • The Marine Private reports, "Yes, sir?"

    • The Marine General says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."

    • Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

    • The Marine General says, "See? Now that man has balls!"

    • The Admiral says, "That's nothing."

    • He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!" The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"

    • The Admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"

    • The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!" The Admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
    • MILITARY   
    • Pappu Ke Saath Dhokha
    • Pappu Ki Harkaton Se Tang Aa Kar Santa Ne Usko Hostel Mein Dal Diya.

    • Ek Din Hostel Ke Room Mein Baith Ke Vo Jor Jor Se Ro Raha Tha.

    • Uske Friend Bunty Ne Us Se Pucha: Kya Hua Yaar, Ro Kyu Raha Hai?

    • Pappu: Yaar Mere Saath Bahut Bada Dhokha Hua Hai, Aur Vo Bhi Daddy Ne Kiya.

    • Bunty: Kyun? Kya Kiya Unhone?

    • Pappu: Yaar Paison Ki Jarurat Thi, So Unko Bola Ki Books Ke Liye Paise Bhej Do.

    • Bunty: Toh?

    • Pappu: Toh Kya, Unhone Books Hi Bhej Di...


    • Honeymoon Prank
    • Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

    • Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

    • When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

    • Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

    • At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."
    • FUNNY   
    • Pappu Fail Ho Gaya!
    • Bahut Jyada Shaitaniyo Aur Faltu Ki Bakwas Karne Ki Vajah Se Pappu Ek Bar Fail Ho Gaya.

    • Teacher Ne Santa Ko Class Mein Bulaya Aur Boli.

    • Teacher: Tumhara Ladka Bada Hi Nalayak Ho Gaya, Jitna Faltu Ki Baton Mein Dimaag Lagata Hai Utna Study Pe Lagana Chahiye.

    • Santa: Madam Ji, Kya Ho Gaya Kyu Itna Gussa Kar Rahe Ho?
    • Teacher: Ye Dekho Vo Fail Hai. English Mein 14, Math Mein 17, Science Mein 18, SST Mein 11, Total 60.

    • Santa Ne Ye Suna Aur Kuch Pal Sochne Ke Bad Bola.

    • Santa: Wah Madam, Total Mein Toh Chha Gaya Apna Puttar..., Aur Kamaal Ki Baat Yeh Hai Ki Is Subject Ki Toh Tution Bhi Nahi Rakhi Thi.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Special Paani Puri Menu
    • Ek Paani Puri Wale Ka Menu

    • Paani Puri : 10 Rs.
    • Special Paani Puri : 20 Rs.
    • Extra Special Paani Puri : 30 Rs.
    • Double Extra Special Paani Puri : 40 Rs.
    • Triple Extra Special Paani Puri : 50 Rs.
    • Multi Special Paani Puri : 60 Rs.
    • Special 'Sunday' Paani Puri : 100 Rs.

    • Maine Socha Ki Daily Alag Alag Paani Puri Khaunga Aur Dektha Hun Ki Kya Difference Hai. Par Mujhe Taste Mein Sabhi Ek Jaise Lage, Koi Difference Nahin Laga.

    • Maine Pucha: Bhaiya, Sabhi Paani Puri Ka Taste Toh Ek Jaisa Hi Hai Phir Ye Alag Alag Price Kyun Hai ?

    • Paani Puri Wala:
    • Sahab, Paani Puri Matalab Paani Puri Sirf 5 Rs.
    • Special Paani Puri Matalab - 'Sirf Chammach Dhoya Hua.'
    • Extra Special Paani Puri Matalab - 'Chammach Aur Dish Dono Hi Dhoye Hue.'
    • Double Special Paani Puri Matalab - 'Paani Puri Dene Ke Pahele Haath Bhi Dhoye Hue.'
    • Itna Bolkar Wo Paani Puri Wala Chup Ho Gya...

    • Par Mujse Raha Nahi Gaya Meine Puch Hi Liya" Aur Ye Sunday Special Matalab??

    • Paani Puri Wala: Vo Sahab, Sunday Ko Mein Nahata Hu, Isliye Sunday Special.
    • HINGLISH   
    • That's Odd !
    • A mother and father named their child "Odd". Because of his unfortunate name, poor Odd had the worst life you could imagine.

    • In school, he was always picked on and had trouble making friends. In college he never fit in and struggled to gain the respect of his peers. In life he drifted from job to job, unable to find steady work. He never found the love of his life and lived a lonely bachelor.

    • And so one day Odd decided he couldn't go on anymore and took his own life. In his suicide note he demanded that his grave be a blank headstone with no mention of his name, so that he could be completely and utterly forgotten.

    • And yet every time someone walks past his grave, they see his wordless stone and go, "That's odd..


    • New Words for 2016
    • Errorist : Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes.

    • Cellfish : Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them. a bitch than the average bitch. Dudevorce : When two male best friends officially end their friendship over a lame disagreement, usually concerning a girl. Nonversation : A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events.

    • Destinesia : When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned.

    • Unkeyboardinated : Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

    • Cellfish : Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them.

    • Textpectation : The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.

    • Carcolepsy : The inability to stay awake and alert when in a car, or any other thing that moves, such as trains, planes, and buses.

    • Hiberdating : Someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.

    • Wexting: Texting while walking.

    • Selfiecide: The death of a person which occurs while taking selfies.

    • Deja Poop : The feeling that the same shit keeps happening over and over to you!
    • FUNNY  7
    • Banta's First Date
    • Jab Banta College Mein Tha, Toh Uske Bholepan Ki Wajah Se Ek Ladki Se Uski Dosti Ho Gayi.

    • Ek Din Dono Ka Program Bana Ki Aaj Date Pe Chalte Hai Aur Kahi Dinner Karte Hai.

    • Toh Dono Ja Pahunch Jaate Hain Ek Badiya Se Hotel Mein. Dono Mein Baaton Ka Daur Chalta Raha, Saath Saath Main Kuch Mocktails.... Snacks... Soup... Bhi Chalte Rahe... Aur Phir Last Mein Dono Dinner Karna Shuru Kiya.

    • Dinner Karte Karte Achanak Banta Badi Masoomiyat Se Ladki Ki Taraf Dekhne Lagta Hai.

    • Ladki Puchti Hai: Kya Hua? Aise Kyun Dekh Rahe Ho?

    • Banta, Dheere Se: Maine Aapko Kuch Kehna Hai, Aap Naraz To Nahi Ho Jaoge Na?

    • Ladki, Sharma Ke: Nahi Ji, Bilkul Nahin. Aap Boliye.

    • Banta: Bill Adha Adha Kar Lein, Koi Problem Toh Nahi Aapko???
    • HINGLISH  36
    • I Don't Understand Women
    • I was going for a drink after work with some of my workmates. I telephoned the Missus and told her that I was working late.

    • I got home at 1AM stumbling all over the place and fell into bed fully clothed.

    • In the morning I was getting the cold shoulder from the Missus.

    • She said to me, "I don't mind that you go out for a few drinks with your mates, what I DO mind is that you lied to me!!! We have to be honest in our relationship, no more lies, honesty is more important than anything else."

    • That evening, we were going out for a meal with some friends and she was trying on various outfits.

    • She asked me, "Does my bum look fat in this?"

    • I'll never understand women!
    • MARRIAGE  7
    • Little Johnny and Perhaps
    • A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".

    • One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

    • "Very good" said the teacher.

    • Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

    • "That's excellent," says the teacher.

    • Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

    • The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

    • Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

    • The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

    • "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."



    • Job Interview
    • Interviewers ask questions to Pela for his new job after VRS... His answers:

    • Question: Please tell us about yourself?
    • Answer: Yourself is pronoun used when the subject and object of the verb are you.

    • Question: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
    • Answer: Asking stupid questions to candidates.


    • Question: What are your expectatios?
    • Answer: A Salary.

    • Question: What challenges you faced in your earlier job?
    • Answer: Staying awake after lunch.

    • Question: Why do you want to join our company?
    • Answer: Nobody else is taking me. Your company is closer to my home.

    • Question: What attracts you to our company?
    • Answer: The receptionist.

    • Question: Which big mistake you did in the previous company?
    • Answer: Got caught with MD's wife.

    • Question: Why you left previous job?
    • Answer: Previous company shifted office and didn't inform me the new address.

    • Question: Are you willing to travel 20 days in a month?
    • Answer: Yes, just don't ask me where I had gone...
    • FUNNY  21
    • Miscalculation!
    • Banta: Doctor Saab... Pait Mein Bahut Dard Ho Raha Hai.... Aahhh...

    • Doctor: Achcha Ye Batao Ki Akhri Baar Khaana Kab Khaya Tha?

    • Banta: Khana Toh Roz Hi...

    • Doctor: Achcha Achcha, (2 Ungli Uthathe Hue) Akhri Baar Kab Gaye The?

    • Banta: Ji, Jaata Toh Roz Hun Lekin Kuch Hota Nahin Hai...

    • Doctor: Theek Hai, Samajh Gaya.

    • Doctor Andar Se Ek Dawai Ki Bottle Aur Ek Calculator Leke Aaya Aur Banta Se Pucha: Ghar Kitni Dur Hai Tumhaara?

    • Banta: Ji Yahan Se 1 Km.

    • Doctor Ne Calculator Pe Kuch Hisaab Kiya Phir Bottle Se Chaar Spoon Dawai Nikal Kar Ek Katori Mein Daal Di.

    • Doctor: Paidal Aaye Ho Ya Kisi Vehicle Se?

    • Banta: Paidal.

    • Doctor: Jaate Waqt Bhaag Ke Jaana.

    • Doctor Ne Phir Kuch Calculate Kiya Aur Thodi Si Dawai Katori Se Nikaal Li.

    • Doctor: Aap Ka Ghar Kaun Se Floor Pe Hai?

    • Banta: 3Rd Floor Pe

    • Doctor Ne Phir Calculator Pe Kuch Hisaab Kiya Aur Phir Thodi Si Dawai Katori Se Nikaal Li.

    • Doctor: Lift Hai Ya Seedyion Se Jaoge?

    • Banta: Ji Seediyon Se Jaunga.

    • Doctor Ne Is Baar Bhi Kuch Calculations Karne K Baad Katori Se Thodi Si Dawai Bahar Nikaal Li.

    • Doctor: Ghar Ke Main Darwaaje Se Toilet Kitni Dur Hai?

    • Banta: Kareeb 25 Feet.

    • Doctor Ne Phir Se Kuch Hisaab Karne Ke Baad Thodi Si Dawai Katori Se Bahar Nikaal Li.

    • Doctor: Ab Pehle Meri Fees De Do Aur Phir Yeh Dawai Peekar Phataphat Ghar Chale Jao, Kahin Rukna Mat Aur Phir Mujhe Phone Kar Ke Batana.

    • Banta Ne Vaisa Hi Kiya.

    • Takreeban Aadhe Ghante Ke Baad Bana Ka Phone Aaya.

    • Doctor: Haan Banta Ji, Ho Gaya Clear Sab... Ab Dard Kaisa Hai... ?

    • Banta, Ek Dum Dheeli Awaaz Mein: Doctor Ji, Sab Saaf Bhi Ho Gaya Aur Ab Bilkul Bhi Dard Nahin Hai Lekin......

    • Doctor: Lekin!?!... Lekin Kya???

    • Banta: Ji Aap Ki Dawai Toh Bahut Hi Achchi Thi Lekin Calculator Theek Karwa Lena Apna... Hum Takreeban 50 Metre Se Haar Gaye...
    • HINGLISH  21
    • Golf Cheater!!!
    • Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

    • His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

    • They embraced and kissed.

    • On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

    • The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

    • He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees!"
    • GOLF  6
    • Drinkers are Practical People
    • A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.

    • A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes and the Lady said, "Reflect !!! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???"

    • "My good woman" passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind."

    • Moral: Drinkers are practical people. Kindly Support them


    • When Shit Happens
    • Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

    • Ghost Shit
    • You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

    • Teflon Coated Shit
    • Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

    • Gooey Shit
    • This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

    • Second Thought Shit
    • You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

    • Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
    • This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    • Bali Belly Shit
    • You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

    • Right Now Shit
    • You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

    • King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
    • This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

    • Wet Cheeks Shit
    • This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

    • Wish Shit
    • You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

    • Cement Block or Oh God Shit
    • You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

    • Snake Shit
    • This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

    • Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
    • Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

    • Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
    • You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

    • Beer Drunk Shit
    • This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

    • The Frightened Turtle
    • The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

    • The Bungee Shit
    • The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

    • The Ring of Fire Shit
    • The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

    • The Crippler
    • The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

    • The Big Bobber
    • The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

    • The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
    • The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

    • The Incredible Hulk Shit
    • The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

    • The Jack the Ripper Shit
    • The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

    • The Party Pooper
    • The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

    • The Toxic Gas Shit
    • The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

    • Dirty Bowl Shit
    • The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

    • The Windy City Shit
    • When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

    • Oh Shit! Shit
    • You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

    • The Never Ending Shit
    • It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

    • Ouch That Hurt Shit
    • The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
    • FUNNY  5
    • Stop That!
    • A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

    • Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

    • So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

    • Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"

    • The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
    • FUNNY  5
    • Rajinikanth vs Kattappa
    • Ek Baar Rajinikanth Aur Kattappa Ki Mulaqat Ho Jaati Hai.

    • Rajinikanth: Tumhe Pata Hai Mere Gaon Mein Light Nahin Thi, Main Agarbatti Jalaakar Uski Roshni Mein Padta Tha.

    • Kattappa: Mere Gaaon Mein Toh Light Bhin Nahin Thi Aur Hamaare Paas Agarbatti Ke Paise Bhi Nahin The, Phir Bhi Mai Padha.

    • Rajinikanth: Kaise?

    • Kattappa: Mera Ek Dost Tha Prakaash, Usko Apne Paas Bitha Leta Tha. Aur Jab Bhi Baarish Hoti Thi Aur Prakaash Bheeg Jaata Tha Tab Bhi Main Padh Leta Tha.

    • Rajinikanth: Kaise?

    • Kattappa: Gaon Mein Jyoti Naaam Ki Ladki Bhi Toh Thi, Uske Paas Baith Kar.

    • Rajinikanth Benhosh.
    • HINGLISH  28
    • Jesus on the Cross...
    • After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

    • He saw his wonderful mother Mary. He saw gods children. He saw Jerusalem in all its glory. But his eyes finally fell on his good friend and disciple Peter.

    • "Peteeer....," he called through painful breaths, "Peeteerr...."

    • Peter, the must loyal of all Jesus's follows, jumped in shock. He began to run toward Jesus.

    • "Yes my lord?" Peter replied.

    • But as soon as he began to get close the Romans roared, "NO!" and viciously chopped off poor Peters Legs.

    • Peter, wallowing in pain, heard his messiah call him again, "Peeetteeer... peeter," growing more faint with each call.

    • So once again Peter tried, crawling with his arms... pulling as hard as he could.

    • Suddenly, more sharp Roman swords fell upon him. They took his arms this time, leaving him limbless.

    • But as he lay there, face down in the mud, Peter heard the Son of God once more, "Peeteer"

    • So Peter rolled this time with all his might, reaching the bottom of the cross, "Yes my lord, Yes, Yes," he screamed with anticipation, "how can I serve you?"

    • And in his fading breaths, whimpering and quiet, Jesus replied, "Peeter... Peter... I... I can see your house from here!"



    • Cheaper Solutions
    • A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

    • The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

    • A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    • She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

    • He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
    • "So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
    • MARRIAGE  3
    • Wrong Side!
    • I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

    • Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

    • Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

    • He replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"
    • RELIGION  4
    • Apple vs Windows
    • Beat this one..!! Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store in NY:
    • "Don't ever fart here;
    • the smell will stay for ages.
    • We don't have Windows!"

    • And Tit for Tat from Microsoft in their premises...
    • "Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple. We have been providing open window systems to the world since ages."
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  7
    • Sasural Hai Ya Ghar ?
    • Ek Ladki Ki Nayi Nayi Shaadi Hui...

    • Bahu Ka Mann Udaas Na Ho Issliye Sab Gharwaalon Ne Socha Uska Khaas Khayal Rakhenge...

    • Subah-Subah Hi Sasur Bole: Aaj Se Tum Meri Bahu Nahi Beti Ho...

    • Shaam Ko Saas Bhi Boli: Aaj Se Tum Meri Bahu Nahi Beti Ho...

    • Phir Nanad Boli: Aaj Se Aap Meri Badi Bahen Ho...
    • Shaam Ko Jab Pati Lauta Toh Bahu Boli: Maa Ji... Babu Ji.... Bhaiyaa Aa Gaye... Didi... Bhaiyaa Aa Gaye...


    • Clerk Ka Kamaal
    • Thekedar Se Setting Ho Jaane Ke Baad Clerk Ne Sahab Ko Bata Kar File Rakhi.

    • Sahab Ne Likha "Approved"

    • Do Din Baad Thekedar Apne Vaade Se Mukar Gaya.
    • Clerk Ne Sahab Ko Bataya.
    • Sahab Bole Ab Kya Karein?
    • Clerk Ke Dimaag Ka Kamaal Dekhiye...
    • Clerk Ne Kaha - Sir "Approved" Ke Pehle "Not" Likh Deejiye.

    • Ab Thekedar Pareshan. Phir Se Setting Huyi. Clerk Ne Phir Se Sahab Ke Saamne File Lekar Pahuncha.

    • Sahab Jhallaye Aur Clerk Se Pucha: Ab Kya Karein?
    • Phir Clerk Ke Dimaag Ka Kamaal Dekhiye...
    • Clerk Ne Kaha Sir: "Not" Mein Kewal "E" Laga Dein Means "Note Approved"

    • Ab Aap Hi Bataiye Ki Desh Kaun Chala Raha Hai.
    • HINGLISH  25
    • One Eared Admiral
    • A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Navy and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

    • One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.

    • At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    • The Master Chief answered, "I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

    • The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

    • The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

    • The Admiral threw him out also.

    • The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral went ahead with the same question.

    • "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    • To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir you wear contact lenses."

    • The Admiral, impressed thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

    • The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin ear."
    • MILITARY  4
    • Laws of Life
    • 1. Law of the Theatre:
    • At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

    • 2. Law of Coffee:
    • As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    • 3. Murphy's Law of Lockers:
    • If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    • 4. Law of Rugs/Carpets:
    • The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

    • 5. Law of Location:
    • No matter where you go, there you are.

    • 6. Law of Logical Argument:
    • Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    • 7. Brown's Law:
    • If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

    • 8. Oliver's Law:
    • A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    • 9. Wilson's Law:
    • As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (this one is true every time!)

    • 10. Doctors' Law:
    • If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
    • FUNNY  7
    • The Best Dressed Mom
    • Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

    • Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

    • A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

    • "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

    • Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

    • A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

    • When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

    • Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."


    • Fart Personalities
    • Personality according to how you fart.
    • The intelligent person: One who can determine from the smell of his neighbour's fart precisely the latest food items consumed.

    • The sadistic person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bed-mate.

    • The strategic person: One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

    • The antisocial person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

    • The thrifty person: One who always has several farts in his reserve.

    • The foolish person: One who suppresses his farts for hours and hours.

    • The dishonest person: One who farts and blames the dog.

    • The nervous person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.

    • The scientific person: One who farts frequently but is truly concerned for the environment.

    • The unfortunate person: One who tries hard to fart but shits instead.

    • The shy person: One who releases silent farts then blushes.

    • The amiable person: One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

    • The proud person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

    • The vain person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
    • FUNNY  5
    • A Good Looking Horse!
    • A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.

    • "Afraid not," said the farmer.

    • "I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.

    • "I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.

    • "I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!" "Well, all right, if you want him so bad."

    • The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"

    • "Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
    • FUNNY  5
    • With Age Comes Wisdom
    • An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!"

    • He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.

    • "Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.

    • The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

    • The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

    • The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

    • The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"

    • He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
    • FUNNY  7
    • Gotta Love this Cop!
    • A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    • So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    • The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    • When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

    • The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

    • Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

    • On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

    • Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    • Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    • Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    • "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

    • "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

    • "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    • "Aggressive and hostile?"

    • "Yes, Sir."

    • "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

    • "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

    • How often can one get an attorney to incriminate his own client?


    • The Curious Case of Vijay
    • After lots of allegations and jokes, Vijay Mallya goes to SBI to repay the loan.. but see what happens:

    • Monday
    • Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan...
    • SBI: It's lunch time come after 1 hour...

    • Tuesday:
    • Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan, so today I came early at 9.30...
    • SBI: We are not open still, come after 11am...

    • Wednesday:
    • Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan, I've come at 11 am like you asked me to...
    • SBI: Monthend sir, today is too much rush... wait for some time or come after tea time.

    • Thursday, (Comes at 2 pm):
    • Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan...
    • SBI: Have you brought all the documents? Looks like two of your documents are missing... and I need a stamp from the other banks... come after doing it. We can't take your documents like that - it's a govt. bank, not private bank, right?

    • Friday
    • Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan , I have come with all the documents.
    • SBI: The designated person is on leave... come tomorrow...

    • Saturday
    • Vijay goes to Bank & surprised after seeing it closed, asks the watchman: Is the bank closed because of me?
    • Watchman: Sir... today's 2nd Saturday come on Monday.

    • Sunday
    • Vijay leaves India... (Facts written & Scripted by a tired customer of so called banks)
    • CELEBRITIES  5
    • Who's The Boss?
    • A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

    • He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

    • "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

    • "I am." said the man.

    • "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

    • The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

    • "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

    • "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
    • MARRIAGE  3
    • Latest Airport Security Device
    • What a simple and brilliant idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat announcement!! It's hard to beat Israeli technology!

    • TEL AVIV, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.

    • It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

    • Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

    • You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

    • "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is pleased to announce a seat available on Flight 670 to London. Shalom!" BRILLIANT !
    • FUNNY  2
    • Evil Spell
    • Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

    • One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say: 'My Darling'.

    • But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

    • But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

    • Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.

    • Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

    • And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"


    • Professional Courtesy
    • A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.

    • Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

    • The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

    • The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."

    • The lawyer says, "No problem."

    • He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

    • "My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"

    • The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"
    • LAWYERS  2
    • Kuch Anmol Vachan
    • Zindagi Mein Sirf 'Paana' He Sabkuch Nahin Hota, Uske Saath Nut-Bolt Bhi Chahiye.
    • -Chhagan Mistree

    • Tum Mujhe Khoon Do... Mein Tumhee 3 Baje Tak Blood Report De Doonga.
    • -Ghanashyaam Leboretaree

    • Yahaan Khuda Hai, Vahaan Khuda Hai, Aaas Paas Khuda Hi Khuda Hai Aur Jahaan Khuda Nahin Hai, Vahaan Kal Khudegaa.
    • -Nagarpalika

    • Zindagi Mein Jab Aapko Koi Raasta Dikhayi Naa De, Koi Manzil Dikhayi Na De, Koi Apna Dikhayi Na De Toh... Mobile Mein Tourch Bhi Hota Hai, Usko Jala Lena.
    • -Pawan Mobile

    • Jeevan Mein Kabhi Ghabraahat Mehsoos Ho, Aap Paseene-Paseene Ho Rahe Hon Toh Yeh Sochein Ki Aapko Attack Aane Vala Hai. Yeh Bhi Ho Sakta Hai Ki Aapka Pankha Kharaab Ho.
    • Bhola Electrician

    • Kis Bhi Cheez Se Moh Mat Palo.... Jeevan Mein Tyag Karna Bhi Seekho... Apna Purana Aur Bekaar Samaan Mujhe De Do -Mango Kabadiya
    • HINGLISH  40
    • Banta Ki Samajhdari!
    • Ek Baar Gaanv Mein Rehne Wala Banta Shehar Se Aye Apne Friends Ko Ghumaane Le Jaata Hai.

    • Gaadi Ke Saamane Ke Kaanch Se Doston Ko Kuch Bhi Dikhai Nahin De Raha Tha.

    • Lekin Banta Sadak Ke Tamaam Gaddhe Bachata Hua Badi Hi Safai Aur Proper Tareeke Se Gaadi Chala Raha Tha.

    • Doston Ne Hairaan Hokar Puchha: Yaar Banta, Saamane Kanch Se Kuch Bhi Saaf Najar Nahin Aa Raha Phir Bhi Tu Gaadi Itni Parfect Kaise Chala Le Raha Hai?!?

    • Banta: Kyaa Bataun Yaron... Apni Bhulane Ki Aadat Ke Karan Ab Tak Mere 40-50 Chashme Gum Ho Chuke Hein.

    • Dost: Are Banta, Hum Driving Ke Bare Mein Puch Rahe Hein.

    • Banta: Vahi Toh Bata Raha Hun. Chashme Banwa-Banwa Kar Mein Pareshaan Ho Gaya Tha.... Tab Maine Gaadi Ka Kaanch He Chashme Ke Number Vala Banakar Gaadi Mein Lagwa Liya. Ab Koi Dikkat nahin Aati.
    • HINGLISH  14
    • Skinny-Dip
    • An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    • One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    • As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    • One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    • The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

    • Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

    • Some old men can still think fast.


    • Gas and Flatulence
    • Ek Adami Ko Gas Ki Problem Thi. Vo Bahut Pareshaan Tha. Na Kahin Aata Tha Na Kahin Jaata Tha.

    • Ek Baar Kisi Vajah Se Usko Apni Sister Ke Ghar Jaana Padta Hai.

    • Sister Ke Ghar Jaate Samaye Raaste Mein Sochne Laga Ki Apne Bhanje Ke Liye Kya Le Ke Jaun? Phir Ek Dukaan Se Kuch Biscuits Aur Chocolates Le Li.

    • Ghar Pahunchte He Bhanje Ne Dekha Toh Khush Ho Ke Mama Aa Gaye, Mama Aa Gaye Bolta Hua Daudkar Mama Ke Paas Aaya.

    • Mama Ne Apni Pocket Se Biscuit Nikalkar Jaise He Use Dene Ke Liye Jhuke, Toh Jor Ke Aawaj Ke Saath Gas Nikal Gayi.

    • Ab Ye Toh Musibat Ho Gayi. Vo 5 Saal Ka Bachcha Biscuit Phenk Kar Neeche Late Kar Zor-Zor Se Rone Laga.

    • Mama Ne Use Uthakar Puchha: Kya Huya Kyun Ro Rahe Ho?

    • To Bachcha Aur Bhi Zor Se Rone Laga.

    • Mama Ne Use Uthakar, Bade Pyar Se Pucha: Kya Hua Beta? Ro Kyun Rahe Ho? Biscuits Nahin Chahiye? Chocolate Loge Kya?

    • Bhanja Rote Huye Bola: Humko Biscuit Aur Chocolate Nahin Chahiye. Humko Vo Pipudee Chahiye Jo Aapane Abhi-Abhi Bajaayee Hai!
    • HINGLISH  50
    • Courses for Women
    • 25 Recommended Courses for Women

    • We can always continue to upgrade and improve ourselves, which is why we took some pains and found some really really useful courses that women might find interesting. Do sign up!

    • 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

    • 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

    • 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

    • 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

    • 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

    • 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

    • 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

    • 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

    • 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

    • 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

    • 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

    • 12. Introduction to Parking

    • 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

    • 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

    • 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

    • 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

    • 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

    • 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

    • 19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His

    • 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

    • 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

    • 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

    • 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

    • 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

    • 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
    • SANTABANTA  15
    • Driver Ki Phere
    • Ek Aadmi Ki Shaadi Mein Jab Phere Lene Ki Baari Ayi Toh Pehle Phere Ke Waqt Hee Dulha Phatafat Dulhan Se Aagey Nikal Gaya.

    • Pandit Ji Ne Dulhe Ko Peechhe Rahane Ko Kaha.

    • Dusra Phera Ke Lete Waqt Phir Wahi... Dulha Bhagkar Dulhan Se Agey Nikal Gaya.

    • Pandit Ji Ne Phir Se Dulhe Ko Samjhaya Ki Bhai Tumhe Dulhan Se Peeche Rahna Hai, Aagey Mat Niklo.

    • Lekin Dulah Baar-Baar Aise Hee Teji Dikhata Aur Dulhan Se Agey Nikal Jaata.

    • Aisa Hota Dekh Dulhan Ke Pita Ko Gussa Aa Gaya Aur Ve Bola: Yeh Kaisa Dulha Hai Jo Phere Bhi Dhang Se Nahin Le Sakata. Aise Toh Yeh Shaadi Nahin Ho Sakti.

    • Dulhe Ke Chacha Ne Samajhaate Hue Kaha: Maaf Karna Bhai Sahab, Darasal Ladka Hariyana Roadways Mein Bus Driver Hai, Isliye Ise Baar-Baar Overtake Karne Ki Aadat Hai!
    • HINGLISH  45
    • Hari Om... Hari Om...
    • Never say prayers in any other language! You never know what kind of translation problem you can run into.

    • An Indian in the US suffered a heart attack on the road and was picked up by an ambulance. Being religious, he kept repeating: Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om... which is a prayer.

    • When the ambulance pulled into his home, they took the victim down and pushed him to the door and rang the doorbell. A woman appeared and was shocked to see her husband on stretcher and inquired what happened. The medical officer explained what happened to her.v She screamed to the paramedics: Why didn't you take him straight to the hospital?

    • The medical officer explained: We tried too... but he kept repeating 'Hurry Home, Hurry Home, Hurry Home...'"


    • A Silent Fart
    • An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

    • The couple had just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.

    • About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

    • The note said: I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?

    • Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Driving License Test
    • Jab Mai Driving License Haasil Karane Ki Koshish Mein Tha to Driving License Ke Liye Chauthi Baar Driving Test Diya. Iss Dauraan Main Itna Mashoor Aur Pasandeeda Ho Chukaa Tha Ki Is Baar Officer Ne Mere Liye Sirf Ek Hee Sawaal Rakha Tha.

    • Sawal: Maan Lo Aap 90 Ki Speed Se Ek Aisi Sadak Se Gujar Rahe Ho Jiske Ek Aur Uncha Pahaad Aur Dusri Taraf Gehri Khaee Hai. Saamne Do Auratein Aa Jaati Hain.... Ek Jawaan Aur Ek Budhi. Ab Aap Kise Marenge...??

    • Maine Bhi Ek Dum Se Jawaab Likha Diya: Main Budhi Aurat Ko Maarunga.

    • Aur Har Baar Ki Tarah Is Baar Bhi Main Imtihaan Main Fail Ho Gaya. Main Jaakar Us Officer Se Mila Aur Fail Hone Ki Wajah Puchi Toh Usne Mujhe Dhyaan Se Dekha Aur Thandee Saans Bhar Kar Kaha: Main Aapko Akhiree Baar Bata Raha Hoon Ki Aap Break Maarenge.... Koi Aurat-Vaurat Nahin... Samjhe Aap???
    • HINGLISH   
    • Why God Made Moms?
    • Answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

    • Why did God make mothers?
    • 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    • 2. Mostly to clean the house.
    • 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    • How did God make mothers?
    • 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 
    • 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    • 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

    • What ingredients are mothers made of?
    • 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    • 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    • Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
    • 1. We're related.
    • 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

    • What kind of little girl was your mom?
    • 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    • 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    • 3. They say she used to be nice.

    • What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
    • 1. His last name.
    • 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    • 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    • Why did your Mom marry your dad?
    • 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats alot.
    • 2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    • 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    • Who's the boss at your house?
    • 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    • 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    • 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    • What's the difference between moms and dads?
    • 1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
    • 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    • 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
    • 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    • What does your Mom do in her spare time?
    • 1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    • 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    • What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
    • 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    • 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    • If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
    • 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
    • 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
    • 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.
    • CHILDREN   
    • Judge Bada Ya Daroga?
    • Court Mein Muqaddama Jeetne Ke Baad Judge Saahab Ne Bujurg Ko Badhaai Dete Hue Kaha: Baba Ji, Mubarak Ho, Aap Case Jeet Gaye.

    • Bujurg Kisaan Ne Kaha: Ram Ji Tumko Itni Tarakkee De ke Tum 'Daroga' Ban Jao.

    • Vakeel Bola: Lekin Baba Ji, 'Judge' Toh 'Daroga' Se Bahut Bada Hota Hai.

    • Bujurg Bola: Nahi Saaheb.... Meri Nazar Mein Toh Daroga Jyada Bada Aur Samjahdhar Hota Hai.

    • Vakeel Bola: Vo kaise?

    • Bujurg: Judge Saaheb Ne Muqaddama Khatam Karne Mein 10 Saal Laga Diye Jabki Daroga Ji Ne Shuru Mein Hee Kaha Tha 5 Hajaar Rupaya Do.... Do Din Mein Maamala Rapha-Dapha Kar Dunga!


    • Grandparents
    • An 8 year old was given a homework assignment to write a paper about grandparents. They where asked to write about things such what their grandparents mean to them, what are the roles of a grandparent, what they are like, there was really no limit on what they could write about their grand parents. After reading this 8 yr old's paper, I have to say he did a good job.

    • Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

    • A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

    • Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

    • They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

    • When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

    • They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

    • They don't say, "Hurry up."

    • Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

    • They wear glasses and funny underwear.

    • They can take their teeth and gums out.

    • Grandparents don't have to be smart.

    • They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

    • When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

    • Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

    • They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

    • GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

    • It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame the dog.
    • FUNNY  8
    • Doctor's Love Letter
    • Kaafi Time Pehle Ka Kissa Hai. Ek Sundar Aur Bholi Si Ladki Ek Chemist Shop Ke Saamne Kaafi Der Se Khadi Thi! Bheed Chhatne Ka Intezaar Kar Rahi Thi.

    • Shop Ka Owner Usko Shaq Ki Nazaron Se Ghoor Raha Tha...

    • Bahut Der Baad Jab Dukaan Mein Koi Customer Nahin Bacha, Toh Wo Ladki Dukaan Mein Aayi! Ek Salesman Ko Dheere Se Ek Kone Mein Bulaya. Ye Dekhkar Dukaan Ka Malik Ab Aur Bhi Jyada Chaukanna Ho Gaya.

    • Ladki Ne Dheere Se Ek Kagaj Salesman Ko Pakda Diya.

    • Salesman Ne Kagaj Ko Dekha Aur Pucha (Confused): Kya Hai Ye?

    • Ladki Ne Sharmate Hue Dheere Se Kaha: Bhaiya, Meri Ek Doctor Ke Sath Shaadi Fix Ho Gayi Hai Aur...

    • Salesman: Toh?

    • Ladki: Aaj Unka Pehla Khat Aaya Hai, Thoda Padhkar Sunayenge Kya? Writing Samajh Mein Nahin Aa Rahi Hai!!!
    • HINGLISH  20
    • Special Note for Ladies
    • Paani Puri Ki Dukan Par Laga Board:

    • Munaa Paani Puri Wala, Rs.10/- Ki 6 Paani Puri.

    • Special Note:

    • 1. Sukhi Paani Puri Ke Alag Se Paise Lagenge.

    • 2. Kripya 6 Paani Puri Chupchap Khane Ke Baad Mirchi Tez Hone Ke Naam Par Aakhri Mein 1 Mufat Maang Ke Sharminda Na Karein.

    • 3. Toot-Foot Ki Koi Jawabdari Nahi. Tooti-Footi Paani Puri Ke Settlement Ke Naam Par Last Mein 1 Extra Paani Puri Mufat Mein Na Mange.

    • 4. Hum Bhi Panchvi Paas Hain Aur 100 Tak Ki Ginati Bindaas Aati Hai! Aakhri Mein "Bhaiya, Meri 2 Aur Baki Hain' Bolkar Cheating Na Karein.

    • 5. Kirpya 10 Rs Ki Paani Puri Kha Kar 500 Rs Ka Note Na Dikhayein Varna 500 Ka Note Jama Kar Liya Jayega Aur Khule Paise Laane Pe Hee Vapas Kiya Jayega.

    • Mahilaon Hetu Vishesh Roop Se Laagu.
    • HINGLISH  35
    • Three Germs...
    • This woman wasn't feeling well, so she went to see the family doctor. After hearing her symptoms the doctor scheduled her for a complete physical. Next Day she returned to get the results. The doctor tells her that everything came back normal.

    • He asks, "How's your appetite?"

    • She replied, "Great! I eat like a horse."

    • He then asks, "Do you sleep well?"

    • "About 8 hours a night," she said.

    • "How about your bowels?" he asks.

    • "I go every morning about 7:20 AM" she replied.

    • The doctor thinks a minute then says, "There's something going on that I can't put my finger on. I'm going to give you an antibiotic and see if that will cure the problem."

    • There are three germs inside are listening to all of this and one of them says, "What are we going to do?"

    • One says, "I think I'll hide in the liver."

    • A second one says, "I think I'll hide in a kidney."

    • The last one says, "You guys can stick around if you want to, but I'm taking the 7:20 out of here."


    • Dating Process
    • 6 Weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you.
    • 6 Months: Of course I love you.
    • 6 Years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why the hell did I propose?

    • Back from Work:
    • 6 Weeks: Honey, I'm home.
    • 6 Months: BACK!!
    • 6 Years: What did your mom cook for us today??

    • Gifts:
    • 6 Weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
    • 6 Months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room!
    • 6 Years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

    • Phone Ringing:
    • 6 Weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
    • 6 Months: Here, for you.
    • 6 Years: PHONE RINGING.

    • Cooking:
    • 6 Weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
    • 6 Months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
    • 6 Years: AGAIN!!!!

    • Apology:
    • 6 Weeks: Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
    • 6 Months: Watch out! Don't do it again.
    • 6 Years: What's not to understand about what I just said??

    • New Dress:
    • 6 Weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
    • 6 Months: You bought a new dress again???
    • 6 Years: How much did THAT cost me?

    • TV:
    • 6 Weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
    • 6 Months: I like this movie.
    • 6 Years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
    • MARRIAGE  15
    • The New Father
    • A new mother goes upstairs to check on her napping infant. As she opens the door she see's her husband sitting in front of the crib. He hasn't noticed her yet so she slowly and quietly walks up to him.

    • The new father is just staring at the baby in the crib, not saying a word, deep in thought. The mother looks and sees expressions of bewilderment, disbelief, and absolute pure joy on her husband's face.

    • Dad finally notices his wife and says, "It's amazing, isn't it?"

    • Mother who, spent over 17 hours in labor without an epidural, says, "Yes dear, it's just incredible," as she wipes a tear of joy from her husband's face.

    • He looks directly into her eyes and says, "Who'da thought ya could buy a crib this good for fifty bucks!"
    • FUNNY  2
    • Party Crashers
    • There was a party, and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....

    • He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?"

    • About twenty people stood.

    • Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?"

    • About twenty five people stood up.

    • Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."
    • FUNNY  4
    • The Tax Poem
    • Tax his land, tax his bed,
    • Tax the table at which he's fed.
    • Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
    • Teach him taxes are the rule.

    • Tax his cow, tax his goat,
    • Tax his pants, tax his coat.
    • Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
    • Tax his work, tax his dirt.

    • Tax his tobacco, tax his drink.
    • Tax him if he tries to think.
    • Tax his cigars, tax his beers,
    • If he cries, then tax his tears.

    • Tax his car, tax his gas,
    • Find other ways to tax his ass.
    • Tax all he has, then let him know,
    • That you won't be done 'til he has no dough.

    • When he screams and hollers,
    • Tax him some more.
    • Tax him 'till he's good and sore.
    • Then tax his coffin, tax his grave.
    • Tax the sod in which he's laid.

    • Put these words upon his tomb,
    • "Taxes drove me to my doom."
    • When he's gone, do not relax.
    • It's time to apply the inheritance tax.



    • Little Johnny & His Balloon
    • Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

    • "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

    • He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

    • Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery, gets the urge. It's a diarrhea run!!! She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

    • The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

    • When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

    • The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. It's on him, the walls, etc.

    • "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.

    • He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'"
    • DOCTORS   
    • Someone Really Stinks
    • A young couple is on their honeymoon.

    • The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

    • Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

    • The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.

    • He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love."

    • To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Drink Fault-Finding Guide
    • A solution to all of your drinking troubles.

    • Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    • Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face. 
    • Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    • Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    • Fault: Glass is empty.
    • Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    • Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    • Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    • Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    • Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    • Fault: Loss of self-control.
    • Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    • Symptom: Bar blurred.
    • Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    • Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    • Symptom: Bar swaying.
    • Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
    • Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

    • Symptom: Bar moving.
    • Fault: You are being carried out.
    • Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

    • Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    • Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    • Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    • Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    • Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    • Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    • Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
    • Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
    • Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

    • Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    • Fault: The pub is closing.
    • Solution: Panic.
    • BAR   
    • Worst Railway Budget
    • Worst railway budget of all time. Totally disappointed.

    • No train from India to Bangladesh - Didi disappointed.

    • No special bogies in every train for Dharna - Kejriwal disappointed.

    • No reservation on the grounds of caste in the bogies - Lalu/Nitish/Ravish disappointed.

    • No arrangements for matinee show of Chhota Bheem and Doremon in Trains and stations - RaGa disappointed.

    • No 'Kashmir Azadi' express train proposed - JNU disappointed.

    • No 'Vibishan Express' proposed - Shratugan Sinha disappointed.

    • No assurance of ‪#‎Tolerance‬ by the railway minister - Award Wapasi Gang/ Aamir Khan disappointed.

    • No train to Pakistan - Manishankar Iyer/Salman Khurshid disappointed.

    • No subsidized water in the trains and stations - Delhites who voted for AAP disappointed.

    • No special quota for minorities - Anti Modi gang / Presstitues disappointed.


    • Chinese Room Service
    • By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China! Believe me... you WILL understand!!! The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...

    • Room Service: Morrin. Roon sirbees.

    • Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

    • Room Service: Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?

    • Guest: Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs.

    • Room Service: Ow ulai den?

    • Guest: .....What??

    • Room Service: Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?

    • Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.

    • Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?

    • Guest: Crisp will be fine.

    • Room Service: Hokay. An sahn toes?

    • Guest: What?

    • Room Service: An toes. ulai sahn toes?

    • Guest: I.... Don't think so...
    • Room Service: No? Udo wan sahn toes???

    • Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means.

    • Room Service: Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?

    • Guest: Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

    • Room Service: We botter?

    • Guest: No, just put the botter on the side.

    • Room Service: Wad?!?

    • Guest: I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side.

    • Room Service: Copy?

    • Guest: Excuse me?

    • Room Service: Copy.. tea... meel?

    • Guest: Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything.

    • Room Service: One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??

    • Guest: Whatever you say.

    • Room Service: Tanjooberrymutts.

    • Guest: You're welcome 

    • Remember I did say By the time you read through this... ...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
    • And you do now, don't you!
    • FUNNY   
    • Shopping With Grandma
    • Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.

    • Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first. He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone.

    • She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared. Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her.

    • The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'Sugar'.

    • "We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name.

    • "We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she continued, "because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"

    • "Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously, "What did he say?"

    • "He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'THE B-TCH'!"
    • LITTLE JOHNNY   
    • Never Annoy Your Barber
    • Manglu: Apne Pasandeeda Hair Cuting Salon Mein Shave Karwaane Pahuncha.

    • Shave Karwate Samaye Uska Dhyaan Baaju Waali Khali Kursi Par Gaya Toh Usne Naai Se Puchcha Kya Baat Hai Bhai Aaj Tera Partner Golu Nahi Dikh Raha Hai. Chhuti Par Hai Kaya?

    • Barber Ne Jawaab Diya: Vo Toh Jail Mein Hai!

    • Manglu: Kyun Bhai!? Kya Ho Gya Aisa?? Kya Kar Diya Golu Ne???

    • Barber: Vo Kya Hai Ki Aajkal Dhanda Bahut Manda Chal Raha Hai Isliye Golu Bahut Pareshan Rehta Tha! Kal Ek Grahak Aaya, Usne Shave Karwayi Toh Golu Ne Us Se Pucha Ki Massage Bhi Kar Dun Kya? Toh Us Grahak Ne Mana Kar Diya! Bas Golu Ko Gussa Aa Gya Aur Usne Uske Gale Par Ustra Maar Diya. Filhaal Golu Attempt Of Murder Ke Case Mein Andar Hai!

    • Manglu: Aree Bhai Yeh Toh Bada Hi Bura Huya!

    • Barber: Haan Sachmuch Bahut Bura Huya! Achcha Chaliye Choriye Aapki Shave Toh Ho Gayi, Masaage Bhi Kar Dun Naa?

    • Manglu (Ghabrakar): Haan Haan Bhai, Kyun Nahi, Jaroor, Jaroor Mujhe Toh Baal Bhi Thode Bade Lag Rahe Hain... Lage Haath Vo Bhi Kaat De Bhai... Bas Naraaz Na Hona!
    • HINGLISH   
    • A Horrible Way to Die
    • Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike Reid is dead??!!!"

    • "Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

    • "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

    • "What a horrible way to die!"

    • "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

    • "What a way to go, that's terrible!"

    • "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

    • "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

    • "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

    • "Man, what a way to go!"

    • "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

    • "Now that is one awful way to go!"

    • "No no, he survived that..."

    • "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

    • "I shot him!"

    • "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

    • "He was wrecking my house."


    • A Dinner Date
    • Ladki: Chalo Aaj Kahin Bahar Chalte Hain Dinner Ke Liye.
    • Ladka, (CA Student): Theek Hai.
    • Ladki: Kahan Leke Chaloge?
    • Ladka: Sher-E-Punjab Chalte Hain, Wahan Ki Prepration Achchi Hai Aur Rate Bhi Theek Hain.
    • Ladki: Na!!! Badi Hi Sasti Aur Aur Bekaar Sa Hai. Let's Go To Barbeque Nation (Thoda Costly Restaurant).
    • Ladka, Thodi Der Chup Rehne Ke Baad: Theek Hai, Jaisa Tum Kaho. Main Theek 7 Baje Aa Jaunga Tumhe Pick Karne.
    • Ladka Theek 7 Baje Ladki Ko Uske Ghar Se Pick Karta Hai. Raaste Mein Ladka Kehta Hai: Tumhe Pata Hai Ek Baar Maine Apni Sister Ke Saath Gol-Gappe Khaane Ki Bet Lagayi.
    • Ladki: Achcha?? Phir Kaun Jeeta?
    • Ladka: Maine 30 Gol-Gappe Kha Liye Aur Jeet Gaya.
    • Ladki: Bas 30? Ismein Kaun Si Badi Baat Hai.
    • Ladka: Main Toh Is Se Bhi Jyada Kha Sakta Hun. Gol-Gappe Khaane Mein Mujhe Hara Mushkil Hai.
    • Ladki: Rehne Do, Main Tumhe Bade Araam Se Hara Sakti Hun.
    • Ladka: Aree Rehne Do, Tumhare Bas Ka Nahin Hai.
    • Ladki: Achcha... Chalo Theek Hai, Ho Jaye Competition?
    • Ladka: Rehne Do, Tum Haar Jaogi.
    • Ladki: C'mon, Aaj Ho Hi Jaye... Raaste Mein Vo Ek Gol-Gappe Ke Stall Pe Rukte Hain Aur Competion Start.
    • After About 30 Pani-Puri The Boy Gave Up. The Girl Was Also Full, Lekin Ladke Ko Haraane Ke Chakkar Mein Usne 2 Aur Kha Liye And Khushi Se Chilliati Hui Boli: Main Jeet Gayi... Tum Haar Gaye.
    • Bill Aaya Sirf Rs 120/-

    • Moral: The main aim of ‎Cost Accounting‬ is to Identify & Control the Cost
    • FUNNY   
    • The Cutting Angle
    • Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

    • "Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

    • "And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

    • "Right again. But how'd you....."

    • "And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

    • "Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

    • "Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
    • FUNNY   
    • Compulsive Disorder
    • A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.

    • Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping, "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

    • Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.

    • "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." 

    • The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back.

    • "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

    • "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week."

    • He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.

    • "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

    • "On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

    • "But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

    • "Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
    • BAR   
    • Best Friend?
    • Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

    • Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

    • So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

    • Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

    • They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

    • "Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"


    • Banta Ka Affair
    • Ek Baar Banta Apni Premika K Saath Park Mein Bahon Mein Bahein Daalkar Baitha Hua Tha Aur Badi Hi Romantic Aur Pyaar Bhari Baatein Kar Raha Tha.

    • Tabhi Wahan Ek Policewala Aaya Aur Banta Se Bola: Aapko Sharam Nahin Aati, Aap Ek Samajhdar Admi Hote Hue Bhi Yaha Park Mein Khule Aam Aisi Harkatein Kar Rahe Hain?

    • Banta: Dekhiye Hawaldar Sahab, Aap Galat Samajh Rahe Hain, Jaisa Aap Soch Soch Rahe Hain Vaisa Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai.

    • Hawaldar: Toh Phir Kaisa Hai?

    • Banta: Ji Hum Dono Shaadi-Shuda Hain.

    • Hawaladar: Agar Tum Shadi-Shuda Ho Toh Phir Yeh Pyar Bhairi Baatein Apne Ghar Pe Kyun Nahin Karte?

    • Banta: Darasal Vo Aisa Hai Hawaldar Sahab Ki Hum Toh Kar Lein Lekin Meri Patni Aur Inke Pati Ko Shayad Achcha Na Lage...
    • HINGLISH  30
    • Wooden Spoons
    • One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."

    • As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

    • "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
    • "Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"
    • FUNNY  1
    • How to Insult Politely
    • A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

    • They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

    • The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

    • As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

    • The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    • The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    • The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
    • GOLF  1
    • Points To Ponder!
    • 1. Should you do the right things or should you do things right?

    • 2. At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?

    • 3. If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

    • 4. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

    • 5. Why is it called a building when it's already built?

    • 6. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

    • 7. Do they have the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?

    • 8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

    • 9. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

    • 10. If you drop soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

    • 11. Who took the picture of the first camera? And how was it taken?

    • 12. Is sand called sand because it's between sea and land?


    • Fart Your Guts Out
    • There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

    • Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

    • "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

    • After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

    • While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

    • "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of the Heaven, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
    • MARRIAGE  2
    • The Bathtub Fart
    • A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

    • His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

    • "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

    • "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

    • He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

    • "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

    • When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

    • A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

    • "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

    • "Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
    • MARRIAGE  2
    • Four Animals
    • A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

    • A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says."

    • The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

    • The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it!"

    • The teacher fainted!!
    • CHILDREN  4
    • Coffee Brewing
    • A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

    • The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

    • The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

    • The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

    • The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"

    • So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"


    • ====================================3
    • Bachpan Ke Cricket Rules
    • 1. 8 Eenton (Bricks) Ki Wicket Hogi.

    • 2. First Ball Try Hogi.

    • 3. Batting Team Umpiring Karegi.

    • 4. Ball Deewar Ko Direct Lagi Toh Six Aur Direct Baahar Gayi Toh Out.

    • 5. Last Batsman Akela Batting Kar Sakta Hai.

    • 6. Jo Beech Mein Game Chhodega Usse Kal Nahi Khilayenge.

    • 7. Jo Ball Baahar Phenkega Woh Khud Lekar Aayega Aur Nahi Mili Toh Khareedkar Layega.

    • 8. Chhote Bachche Sirf Fielding Karenge, Unki Batting Last Mein Aayegi.

    • 9. Jab Andhera Ho Jaayega Toh Slow Ball Karaai Jaayegi.

    • 10. Deewar Ko Lag Kar Catch Hua Toh Not Out Hoga.

    • 11. 3 Ball Lagaatar Wide Toh Over Cancel.

    • 12. Jo Jeetega Woh Agli Baar Batting Karega.

    • 13. Jiska Bat Hoga Wohi Opening Karega.
    • HINGLISH  52
    • How to Choose a General?
    • Soon after getting freedom from British rule in 1947, the de-facto prime minister of India, Jawahar Lal Nehru called a meeting of senior Army Officers to select the first General of the Indian army.

    • Nehru proposed, "I think we should appoint a British officer as a General of The Indian Army, as we don't have enough experience to lead the same."

    • Having learned under the British, only to serve and rarely to lead, all the civilians and men in uniform present nodded their heads in agreement.

    • However one senior officer, Nathu Singh Rathore, asked for permission to speak. Nehru was a bit taken aback by the independent streak of the officer, though, he asked him to speak freely.

    • Rathore said, "You see, sir, we don't have enough experience to lead a nation too, so shouldn't we appoint a British person as the first Prime Minister of India?"

    • You could hear a pin drop.

    • After a pregnant pause, Nehru asked Rathore, "Are you ready to be the first General of The Indian Army?"

    • Rathore declined the offer saying, "Sir, we have a very talented army officer, my senior, Gen. Cariappa, who is the most deserving among us."

    • This is how the brilliant Lt. Gen. Cariappa became the first General and Rathore the first ever Lt. General of the Indian Army.
    • MILITARY  10
    • Kanjoosi Ki Hadd!
    • Ek Admi Maha Kanjus Tha! Usne Ek Martbaan Mein Desi Ghee Bhar Kar Usko Kas Ke Band Kar Diya.

    • Kyunki Kanjoos Darta Tha Ki Uska Ghee Khatam Na Ho Jaye Isliye Jab Bhi Vo Aur Uske Bete Khana Khaate Toh Roti Ko Martbaan Se Ragad Lete Aur Khana Kha Lete The.

    • Ek Baar Kanjoos Kisi Kaam Ke Silsile Mein Shahar Se Bahar Gaya.

    • Waapas Aane Pe Use Apne Beton Se Pucha: Tum Logon Ne Khana Time Se Kha Liya Tha Na?

    • Bete Bole: Ji Pita Ji.

    • Kanjoos: Bina Ghee Ke Koi Mushkil Toh Nahin Hui? Kyunki Ghee Ka Martbaan Toh Almari Mein Band Kar Ke Gaya Tha. 

    • Bete: Vo Humne Almari Ke Handle Se Rotiyaan Ragad Kar Kha Lee.

    • Kanjoos: Nalayakon!!! Kya Tum Log Ek Di N Bhi Bina Ghee Ke Khaana Nahin Kha Sakte?

    • Bete Behosh!!!
    • HINGLISH  18
    • The Perils of Illiteracy
    • A man attempted to rob a Bank of America located in San Francisco.

    • He walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

    • While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

    • After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest tool in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

    • Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left.

    • He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.


    • You've Got Mail
    • Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

    • "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

    • After apologizing, I got her parcel.

    • "Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

    • "What is it?" I asked.

    • "My husband's new hearing aid."
    • FUNNY   
    • Chess is Haram
    • Saudi Arabia is banning chess, calling it Haram. Reasons are:

    • 1. Queen doesn't wear burkha.

    • 2. Queen roams freely wherever it wants.

    • 3. Queen is more powerful than King.

    • 4. Queen alone goes to other army's side.

    • 5. And... Most importantly there's only one queen...
    • FUNNY  15
    • Not Again!!!
    • After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.

    • I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

    • After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

    • Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife.

    • "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
    • MARRIAGE  5
    • Play Your Age
    • A lady is having a bad day at the table in Monte Carlo.

    • Down to her last Pound 100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

    • A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

    • He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

    • Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

    • He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

    • "I don't know, she put everything on number 24 and when 36 came up, she screamed and then fainted."


    • Medical Students
    • Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

    • One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

    • The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

    • Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

    • The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

    • One of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

    • The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong."

    • Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

    • The old man said, "You thought.... but you are wrong.

    • So they asked him, "Well, what do you have?"

    • The old man said, "I thought it was GAS... but I was wrong.
    • DOCTORS   
    • So, Who's The Boss ?
    • At a party in an MNC the boss ordered a young junior lady Officer to say a joke to all.

    • The lady Officer didn't like the way he ordered and his attitude. But finally she agreed for a joke. See what she said....

    • Once their was a fight between Human Body Parts. Brain said I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.
    • Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.
    • Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.
    • Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.
    • While the argument was at its peak, Asshole shouted, 'Why should I be ignored? I am also eligible to be a boss.'
    • All body parts started laughing at it.
    • Asshole got annoyed and went on Strike, blocked itself and refused to open. In a short time, Hands Cranked, Eyes Blurred, Ears Emitted Hot Air, Brain Got Heavy, Heart and Lungs Panicked.
    • Finally they all agreed and accepted Asshole should be the BOSS.
    • Moral:
    • It doesn't matter how talented you are...?
    • Any Asshole can be your Boss !!!! 

    • All junior officers clapped. The CEO was shocked.
    • FUNNY   
    • Wooden Eye!
    • Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

    • Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.

    • "There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one of your eyes is made out of wood?"

    • "All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my eye I'm leaving."

    • He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

    • "She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can do is ask her to dance.

    • He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

    • "Would I?!" she exclaimed.

    • "That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Your Job Sucks?
    • Your job sucks? Try this out...

    • Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

    • When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into some very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

    • Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    • Now the fun part begins!

    • Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Jonson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

    • Now close your eyes and repeat out louse five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."



    • Clever Signages
    • Clever Signages. Good copywriting.
    • A sign in a shoe repair store:
    • We will heel you,
    • We will save your sole,
    • We will even dye for you.

    • Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
    • Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

    • In a Podiatrist's office:
    • Time wounds all heels.

    • At an Optometrist's Office:
    • If you don't see what you're looking for,
    • You've come to the right place.

    • On a Plumber's truck:
    • We repair what your husband fixed.

    • On another Plumber's truck:
    • Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

    • On an Electrician's truck:
    • Let us remove your shorts.

    • In a Non-smoking Area:
    • If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.

    • On a Maternity Room door:
    • Push. Push. Push.

    • At a Car Dealership:
    • The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.`

    • Outside a Muffler Shop:
    • No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

    • In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    • Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

    • At the Electric Company:
    • We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
    • However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

    • In a Restaurant window:
    • Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.`

    • In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    • Drive carefully. We'll wait.`

    • In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
    • Best place in town to take a leak.`

    • Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:
    • Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

    • On another Septic Tank Truck:
    • Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    • FUNNY  5
    • Age Matters!!!
    • A group of guys, all aged about 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

    • Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

    • Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

    • Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

    • Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
    • FUNNY  4
    • Dhongi Baba and Pappu
    • Pappu Ko Apne Khet Mein Tubewell Lagwana Tha Per Usko Smajh Nahin Aa Raha Tha Ki Kahan Lagwaye. Tabhi Wahan Se Ek Baba Ji Gujre. Pappu Ne Socha Ki Kyun Na Baba Ji Se Pucha Jaaye.

    • Baba Ji Saare Khet Mein Ghoomte Hain Aur Thodi Der Ke Baad Ek Kone Mein Haath Rakh Kar Bolte Hain Ki Beta, Yahan Laga Le Tubewell Aur Batane Ke 1100 Rs Maang Liye.

    • Pappu Samajh Gaya Ki Ye Dhongi Baba Hai Lekin Bechara Kuch Bol Nahi Paaya Aur Chupchaap 1100 De Diye.

    • Phir Achcnak Pappu Babaji Se Bola: Babaji Mein Bahut Khush Hun... Aap Mere Ghar Chalo Aur Khaana Khaake Ke Jaana.

    • Baba Ji Ne Socha Ki Aaj Toh Murga Phas Gaya... Aur Haan Kar Di.

    • Pappu Apni Patni Ko Phone Karke Se Bola: Mein Aur Ek Babaji Aa Rahe Hain Khaane Pe, Kuch Paka Lo Aur Ek Katore Mein Neeche Desi Ghee Aur Upar Chawal Daal Dena.

    • Patni Boli: Lekin Ghee Toh Uppar Hota Hai.

    • Pppu Bola: Aaj Tu Ghee Neeche Rakhna.

    • Thodi Der Mein Pappu Babaji Ko Lekar Ghar Pahunch Jaata Hai Aur Uski Patni Khaana Laga Deti Hai.

    • Babaji Chawal Wala Katora Dekh Kar Bole: Beta, Ismein Ghee Toh Hai Hi Nahin...!!!

    • Pappu Toh Isi Baat Ka Intezaar Kar Raha Tha, Aur Usne 2-3 Thappad Laga Diye Baba Ji Ke Aur Bola: Baba, Tune Khet Mein 100 Foot Neeche Paani Dekh Liya Per Katori Mein 3 Inch Neeche Ghee Nahin Dikha???
    • HINGLISH  44
    • Thousand Salutes!
    • A youngster got posted to FM Sam Maneckshaw's unit when Sam was the CO.

    • This youngster was on his rounds when one of the riflemen did not notice him and missed saluting him. The youngster got cheesed and called out to the Gorkha and asked him the reason for not saluting.

    • The Gorkha innocently gave out the reason that he did not see "Leftent Huzoor".

    • The youngster not convinced, punished the Gorkha to a thousand salutes.

    • The soldier immediately started saluting.

    • Sam who was passing by, asked the youngster as to what was happening.

    • The youngster said, "Sir this soldier had the audacity of not saluting me. So I have punished him with 1000 salutes."

    • Sam replied, "Bloody good punishment young man. But ensure that you return each of his salutes."

    • For the next two hours the unit was treated to a scene of a Gorkha saluting, and the young officer returning each of his salutes.

    • Respect, is a two way street.



    • Shaadi Ki Stages
    • Married Life Ki First Stage:
    • Nayi Nayi Shadi Hui Hai. Husband Office Jaane Se Pehle Shave Kar Raha Hai Aur Shave Karte Karte Usko Blade Lag Jaata Hai. Uske Munh Se Halki Si Aaah Nikalti Hai.
    • Nayi Naveli Patni Kitchen Se Bhaagti Hui Aati Hai Aur Puchti Hai: Kya Hua ???
    • Pati Bade Hi Normal Tareeke Se Kehta Hai: Kuch Nahin Darling, Blade Se Halka Sa Cut Lag Gaya.
    • Patni Jaldi Se Dettol Laakar Laga Deti Hai Aur Bade Dukhi Se Swar Mein Boli: Kitna Saara Blood Nikal Gaya. Aaj Aap Office Mat Jayiye, Ghar Pe Rest Kijiye. Ghar Se Hi Kaam Kar Lijiye Laptop Se... Hai Ram Kitna Dard Ho Na Raha Hoga?

    • Married Life Ki Second Stage:
    • Ab Bachche Ho Jaate Hain. Husband Roz Ki Tarah Office Jaane Se Pehle Shave Kar Raha Hai Aur Shave Karte Karte Usko Blade Lag Jaata Hai.
    • Husband Hone Wale Dard Se Bhi Tez Chillaya: Ufffff... Menuuu.... Blade Se Cut Lag Gaya.
    • Aap Bhi Na!!?? Itne Saal Ho Gaye Aapko Shave Banate Banate Per Abhi Tak Aapko Dhang Se Shave Karna Nahin Aaya. Ye Lo Phitkari, Laga Lo. Main Aapka Aur Bachchon Ka Khana Ready Kar Rahi Hun. Patni Jhallate Hue Phitkari Patakte Hue Wahan Se Chali Gayi.

    • Married Life Ki Third Stage:
    • Bachchon Ki Marriage Ho Chuki Hai. Husband Retire Ho Chuke Hain Lekin Aur Unhe Abhi Bhi Subah Shave Karne Ki Aadat Hai. Aur Aaj Phir Shave Karte Karte Unko Blade Lag Jaata Hai.
    • Haiii... Mar Gayaaaa......!!! Arey Pappu Ki Mummy Kahan Hai Tu ?
    • Kyun Chilla Rahe Ho Itna Gal Phaad-Phaad Kar... Blade Hi Laga Hai Koi Talvaar Toh Nahin Lagi? Kitni Baar Kaha Hai Ki Ab Apne Aap Shave Mat Kiya Karo. Naai Se Karwa Liya Karo Per Tumhe Toh Is Budhaape Mein Bhi Jawaan Banne Ka Bhoot Chada Rehta Hai. Almari Mein Dettol Ya Phitkari Padi Hogi Laga Lo.
    • HINGLISH  10
    • Dam Fish!!!
    • There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

    • A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

    • The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

    • The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

    • His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

    • The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.

    • When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

    • His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes!"
    • RELIGION  3
    • Male Logic!
    • Grandma was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her grandpa walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.

    • Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"

    • So grandpa went back in the house and fixed himself a nice big juicy steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.

    • Grandma walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"

    • "Huh? I thought you were out of town."
    • FUNNY  8
    • Breakin' The Laws
    • A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers.

    • The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."

    • The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God."

    • Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name."

    • The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I fuck, I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single fucking law the church has ever make."

    • The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"

    • The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."

    • "Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed."

    • "Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."

    • Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."


    • Innocent Kids
    • Ek Chota Sa Bachcha, Apni Dadi Se: Dadi Maan, Kya Aap Tain Bol Sakti Hain ?

    • Dadi: Tain...!

    • Bachcha: Wah Dadi Ji... Ek Baar Phir Se, Please...

    • Dadi: Tain...!

    • Bachcha: Dadi Aap Toh Kamaal Ka Tain Bolti Hain... Achcha Aap Ek Baar Mummy Ko Bhi Bol Kar Dikha Sakti Ho ?

    • Dadi: Kyun Re, Teri Maan Ko Kyun Bol Ke Dikhaun ?

    • Bachcha: Vo Darasla, Neeche Mummy Apni Friends Se Hamesha Bolti Rehti Hain Ki Ye Budhiya Pata Nahin Kab Tain Bolegi...!
    • HINGLISH  19
    • The New Librarian
    • The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

    • Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

    • The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

    • Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."
    • CHILDREN  2
    • Defective Sports Car
    • Carolyn, a very rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sports car. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't go at all.

    • After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer. They send out a technician to her.

    • The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

    • Full of anger, the blonde replies, "You nut, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears. I use 'D' during the day and 'N' at night."
    • BLONDES  3
    • Spectacular Job
    • A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room.

    • He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

    • "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?"

    • The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

    • "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"

    • Kids' Football Rules!
    • Football Rules When We Were Kids !!!

    • 1. The fat kid was always the goalkeeper.

    • 2. The owner of the ball decides who plays.

    • 3. Penalties awarded only if injured player curses a lot.

    • 4. The match only ends when everyone was tired.

    • 5. No matter how many goals you score, the winner will be determined by the last team to score.

    • 6. No referee and lines men. You could run with the ball even behindt the goal post.

    • 7. If you don't participate in repairing the ball you were given a match ban.

    • 8. If you're picked last, you're a loser.

    • 9. The guy who's never picked to Play was to fetch the ball from the tree or when it got stuck under the car.

    • 10. When the owner of the ball gets annoyed, Game Over.

    • 11. You were allowed to change a goalkeeper in case of a penalty.

    • 12. The most skillful player gets automatic selection.
    • SPORTS  4
    • Funny Medical Mistakes
    • Weirdest Statements on a Medical Report The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    • The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

    • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    • The skin was moist and dry.

    • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

    • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

    • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    • The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

    • Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

    • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    • She is numb from her toes down.

    • Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

    • While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rayed and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.

    • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

    • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

    • Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

    • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

    • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

    • The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.

    • The patient refused an autopsy.
    • DOCTORS  5
    • Banta in a 5 Star Hotel
    • Apna Banta Pehli Baar Ek 5 Star Hotel Mein Gaya. Jhijhakte Hue Usne Chai Ka Order De Diya.

    • Kuch Hi Minutes Mein Ek Well Dressed Aur Smart Sa Waiter Ek Kettle Mein Garam Pani, Ek Kettle Mein Garam Doodh, Kuch Chai Patti Ke Pouch Aur Kuch Sugar Cubes De Gaya.

    • Banta Ne Yahan Wahan Dekh Kar, Jaise Taise Chai Banai Aur Pee Lee.

    • Thodi Der Baad Waiter Phir Se Aata Hai Aur Banta Se Puchta Hai: Sir, Kuch Aur Lenge Aap ?

    • Banta Bade Hi Dissappointed Se Lahaje Mein Bolta Hai: Yaar Ichcha Toh Biryani Khaane Ki Thi But Rehne Do... Mujhe Banani Nahin Aati Aur Time Bhi Kaafi Lag Jayega...
    • SANTABANTA  67
    • Hindi Punsters!
    • A brilliant set of Hindi puns:

    • 1. Mujhe Ek Ghante Se Auto Nahi Mili, Shayad Bhagwaan Meri paRICHKSHAW Le Raha Hai.
    • 2. My body is in office, but my mind is SOMVAR else. #Monday Blues

    • 3. I am feeling too lazy to meet my friends. AALSI them later.

    • 4. Son: Rum Piyoge?
    • Dad: Oye Puttar 'Bacar'Di gal Na Kar.

    • 5. If you eat fiery garlic pickle before class, you'll learn a valuable Lehsun.

    • 6. Weight loss frustration... "Pran Jaaye Par Wajan Naa Jaye"

    • 7. Saw a line of Hyundai Sonatas parked on an empty road. Asked someone there "Itna Sonata Kyu Hai Bhai?"

    • 8. If Johny Depp does Devdas, there'll be Jack's Paro.

    • 9. A daughter is the perfect child. A son is just a Beta version.

    • 10. When in Chennai, many North Indians wonder..."Ye Kaahan Aa Gaye Hum, Yun Hee South South Chalte."

    • 11. She is Libra I am Leo humari Jodi kuch Gemini.

    • 12. Decided to go to a Italiyan restaurant Kyunki Woh Ghar Ke PASTA.

    • 13. A daughter is the perfect child. A son is just a Beta version.



    • Classification of Words
    • How should we define lower, middle class and upper class?

    • Lower class - Biskut
    • Middle class - Biskit
    • Upper class - Cookies

    • Lower class - Roomal
    • Middle class - Hankie
    • Upper class - Handkerchief, Kerchief

    • Lower class - Tamaatar
    • Middle class - Ta'may'to
    • Upper class - Toh'mah'toh

    • Lower class - Sauce
    • Middle class - Ketchup
    • Upper Class - Toh'mah'toh Condiment

    • Lower class - Lifafa
    • Middle class - En've'lope
    • Upper class - On'vo'lup

    • Lower class - Nimbu Paani/Shikanji
    • Middle class - Lemonade
    • Upper class - Virgin Mojito

    • Lower class - Paint
    • Middle class - Jeans
    • Upper class - Denims

    • Lower class - Chashma
    • Middle class - Goggles
    • Upper class - Shades
    • HINGLISH  20
    • Lawyers Don't Lie
    • A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move, as his rental agreement was coming to an end forthe home where he lived, but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

    • When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

    • So, he had an idea - he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the real estate agent.

    • He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"

    • He answered, "12 children."

    • The agent asked, "And where are they now?"

    • The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "11 of them are in the cemetery with their mother."

    • And that is the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

    • Moral: it is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie... They are great!!!
    • LAWYERS  8
    • If I Had Married Him
    • One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.

    • When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
    • After the conversation President Obama asked Michelle, "Why was he so interested in talking to you?"

    • She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

    • President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant?"

    • Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President."

    • A WOMAN's CONFIDENCE NEVER COMES IN BITS & PIECES.
    • Dedicated to all the beautiful and intelligent women
    • CELEBRITIES  9
    • The Practical People
    • A Lady was conducting her anti drinking campaign outside a bar.

    • A man came out of the Bar exuding alcohol fumes and the Lady said, "Reflect !! If you arrive at the Gates of Heaven with your breath smelling of liquor... Do you think the Lord will let you in ???" 

    • "My good woman," passionately holding her hand, said the man, "When I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.... !!!" 

    • Moral: Drinkers are practical people. Kindly Support them 


    • Taming The Lion
    • Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

    • The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

    • "Yes I do!"

    • "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

    • "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

    • "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

    • "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

    • "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

    • "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

    • "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

    • "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

    • "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

    • "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some SHIT on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
    • FUNNY  9
    • Simple Home Remedies
    • Amazingly simple home remedies:

    • 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

    • 2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

    • 3. For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    • 4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    • 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

    • 6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40.. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    • 7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
    • FUNNY  4
    • Jhoota Kahin Ka
    • Ek Aadmi Jhoot Bolne Ki Wajah Se Kaafi Mashhoor Ho Gaya. Ek Din Vo Kisi Dusre Shaher Me Chala Gaya.

    • Ek Assi Saal Ki Budhi Aurat Ko Pata Chala Toh Darti Hui Aayi Aur Boli: Beta, Tum Hi Duniya Ke Sabse Jhoote Aadmi Ho Na ?

    • Aadmi Bola: Logon Ki Baaton Ko Dafa Karo... Main Toh Ye Dekh Kar Hairaan Hu Ki Is Umrr Mein Ye Husn, Ye Rang, Or Ye Dilkashhi.... Bahut Khud... Lajawaab...

    • Budhi Aurat, Sharmati Hui: Yaa Allah! Ye Log Bhi Kitne Zaalim Hain. Achche Bhale Sache Insaan Ko Jhoota Kehte Hain !!!
    • HINGLISH  26
    • An Angry Mom
    • Ek Baar Ek Aurat Haath Mein Hathoda Liya Apne Bete Ke School Mein Pahunchi Aur Chaprasi Se Puchne Lagi: Gupta Madam Ki Class Kaun Si Hai?

    • Haath Mein Hathoda Dekhkar Chaprasi Ne Darte Hua Pucha: Kya Hua Behanji, Kyun Puch Rahi Hain Aap, Kya Kaam Hai?

    • Hathoda Hilaate Hui Vo Aurat Hui Boli: Arey Vo Mere Bete Ki Class Teacher Hai.

    • Chaprasi Ne Daudkar Gupta Madam Ke Paas Gaya Aur Batay Ki Ek Aurat Haath Mein Hathoda Liye Gusse Mein Unhe Dhoondh Rahi Hai.

    • Ye Sunkar Gupta Madam Ke Hosh Ud Gaye. Vo Phataphat Principal Ke Paas Gayi Aur Aurat Waali Baat Bataai.

    • Principal Daudta Hua Us Aurat Ke Paas Gaya Darte Hue, Bade Hi Respect Se Bola: Krpya Kar Ke Aap Shaant Ho Jaaiye.

    • Aurat: Mein Shaant Hi Hoon. Aap Bas Mujhe Ye Batao Ki Gupta Madam Ki Class Kahan Hai?

    • Principal Bola: Aap Mujhe Bataiye Ki Baat Kya Hai?

    • Aurat: Baat Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai. Mujhe Bas Gupta Madam Ki Class Mein Jaana Hai.

    • Principal: Lekin Kyun? Hua Kya Hai?

    • Aurat: Kyunki Mujhe Wahan Us Bench Ki Keel Thokna Hai Jis Par Mera Beta Baithta Hai. Kal Vo School Se Teesri Pant Phaadkar Aaya Hai.


    • Divorce Counselling
    • A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.

    • "So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."

    • The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"

    • "Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

    • "What about my furniture? I paid for that."

    • "Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

    • There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye.

    • "What about our three children?"

    • That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer, "Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

    • The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Fiance
    • A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study to find out more about him.

    • "So what are your plans?" the father asks.

    • "I am a bible scholar" the young man replies.

    • "A bible scholar, huh", the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she is used to having?"

    • The young man replies, "I will study and God will provide for us."

    • "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, which she deserves?" asks the father.

    • "I will concentrate on my studies and God provide for us," replies the young man.

    • The conversation proceeds in this manner, which each question the father asks, the young man replies that God will provide.

    • Later, the mother asks, "How did the conversation go?"

    • The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."
    • FUNNY   
    • Words With a Desi Twist
    • Indians are total geniuses. Not only they have an opinion on anything & everything but the way they see & perceive things is also quite unique. Certain words that globally is known for something takes a whole new meaning for Indians.

    • AUTO
    • What the world understands?
    • Auto (n): Def: Working by itself with little or no direct human control.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Auto (n): A rickety 'threewheeler' whose driver never agrees to go by meter.

    • CHANGE
    • What the world understands?
    • Change (v): Make or become different.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Change (n): Chillar.

    • RUBBER
    • What the world understands?
    • Rubber (n): Def: A tough elastic polymeric substance or eraser.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Rubber (n): Scented pieces of eraser 'Rubbad' lost & bought on daily basis in school.

    • HORN
    • What the world understands?
    • Horn (n): A hard permanent outgrowth, often curved and pointed, found in pairs on the heads of cattle, sheep, goats, giraffes, etc.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Horn (v): "Abe Gaadi Hata Saale...'

    • LINE
    • What the world understands?
    • Line (n): A straight or curved continuous extent of length without breadth.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Line (v): A way to approach girls, mostly in a cheesy way, Line Maarna.

    • SHOW
    • What the world understands?
    • Show (v): Be, allow, or cause to be visible (n): stage performance.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Show (v): An act imposed on you while a game of 'Teen patti.'

    • PICTURE
    • What the world understands?
    • Picture (n): A painting or drawing.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Picture (v): An act of 3 hour entertainment in a cinema hall, pronounced as 'picchur.'

    • PASTE
    • What the world understands?
    • Paste (n): A thick, soft, moist substance/ often used as an adhesive especially for sticking papers.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Paste (v): The thing you try to put on your brush in the morning while you are half asleep.

    • ENJOY
    • What the world understands?
    • Enjoy (v): Take delight or pleasure in (an activity or occasion)
    • What Indians understand?
    • Enjoy (v): The joy you experience often termed as 'Rang Raliyaan Manana' Ya 'Gulcharey Udaana.'

    • NACHO
    • What the world understands?
    • Nacho (n): Triangular snacks typically topped with melted cheese & spices.
    • What Indians understand?
    • Nacho (v): Weird movements of hands & legs or any part, also termed as 'Indi-dance.'

    • FUNNY   
    • Idiotic Travel Complaints
    • These are actual complaints received by 'Thomas Cook Vacations' from dissatisfied customers:

    • 1. They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.

    • 2. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food.

    • 3. We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.

    • 4. We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.

    • 5. The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.

    • 6. We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.

    • 7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned.

    • 8. No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.

    • 9. Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.

    • 10. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

    • 11. The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.

    • 12. It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.

    • 13. I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.

    • 14. The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.

    • 15. When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.

    • 16. We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.

    • 17. It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

    • 18. I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.

    • 19. My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.


    • Yes or No ?
    • Ek Baar Ek Kachari Mein Ek Gawah Kaafi Lambe-Lambe Bayaan De Raha Tha. Sarkaari Vakeel Naraaz Ho Gaya.

    • Vo Thoda Gusse Se Gawah Ko Bolta Hai: Itna Jyada Biolne Ki Zaroorat Nahin Hai. Tumse Jo Bhi Poocha Jaye Uska Jawaab Sirf Haan Ya Na Mein Do.

    • Gawah: Huzoor, Har Sawaal Ka Jawaab Haan Ya Naa Mein Nahin Diya Ja Sakta.

    • Vakeel: Bilkul Diya Ja Sakta Hai. Tum Mujhse Kuch Bhi Pucho Mein Sirf Haan Ya Naa Mein Jwaab Dekar Dikhata Hun.

    • Gawah: Theek Hai Huzoor, aapki Zid Pe Mein Apse Ek Sawaal Puchta Hun. Aap Sirf Haan Ya Naa Mein Jawaab Dena.

    • Vakeel: Theek Hai, Pucho.

    • Gawah: Huzoor, Kya Aapki Biwi Ne Apko Peetna Band Kar Diya Hai ?

    • Vakeel Abhi Tak Behosh Hai.
    • HINGLISH  27
    • Red Roses
    • I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap.

    • So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.

    • "What ya got, mister?" she asked.
    • (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)

    • I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
    • (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.)

    • I said, "They're for my girlfriend."

    • She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! Man, you really must have f***ed up!"

    • Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except her Mom, who was now desperately trying to assume an innocent shade of invisible.
    • CHILDREN  2
    • Benefits of Being a Woman
    • 1. We got off the Titanic first.

    • 2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

    • 3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

    • 4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

    • 5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

    • 6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

    • 7. Taxis stop for us.

    • 8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

    • 9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    • 10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies... (you get the point).

    • 11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

    • 12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

    • 13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

    • 14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

    • 15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

    • 16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

    • 17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

    • 18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

    • 19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

    • 20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

    • 21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

    • 22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    • 23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    • 24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

    • 25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

    • 26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

    • 27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

    • 28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    • 29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

    • 30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
    • FUNNY  6
    • Happy New Year!!!
    • The horse and the mule live for 30 years,
    • And know nothing of wines and beers.

    • The goat and sheep at 20 die,
    • And never get a taste of Scotch and rye.

    • The cow drinks water by the tonne,
    • And at 18 is mostly done Without the aid of gin and rum.

    • The cat in milk and water soaks,
    • And then in 12 short years it croaks.

    • The modest, sober, bone-dry hen,
    • Lays eggs for others, then dies at 10.

    • All animals are strictly dry,
    • They sinless live and swiftly die.

    • But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men,
    • Survive for three score years and ten.

    • And some of them, though very few,
    • Stay pickled till they're 92!

    • So shed a tear, drink a beer,
    • Celebrate the past, toast the future and have a Happy New Year 



    • 50th Wedding Anniversary
    • A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor.

    • "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number One. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

    • "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

    • Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

    • "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

    • Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

    • After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor, but despite this, we were able to save and send each of you to college. Also, we want to tell you that throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

    • The three children gasped and the daughter said, "You mean we're bastards?!?"
    • MARRIAGE  2
    • New Year's Resolutions
    • Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

    • 1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

    • 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

    • 3. Read less.

    • 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

    • 5. Procrastinate more.

    • 6. Drink. Drink some more.

    • 7. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking.

    • 8. Spend more time at work.

    • 9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

    • 10. Start being superstitious.

    • 11. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

    • 12. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.

    • 13. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
    • FUNNY  5
    • Diabetes Urine Test
    • The other day I visited my local superstore. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the pharmacist's counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

    • The pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

    • As I appear to be a responsible adult, I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swirled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began choking.

    • When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

    • The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

    • So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

    • Well, I can never go back to that store but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!
    • DOCTORS  2
    • Grandma's Cruise
    • The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.

    • Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

    • He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."

    • She replied, "U.D.?

    • Voos is U.D.? He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

    • She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there.

    • He said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."

    • Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"

    • The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

    • Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

    • She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."

    • "Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.

    • The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

    • "Oh!!!" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

    • Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed.

    • She said, "F.U.C.K"

    • Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?"

    • To which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.... First U Could Knock!"


    • Dancing to The Music...
    • An old woman walked up and tied her mule to the hitching post.

    • As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

    • The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No,.... I never did dance... never really wanted to."

    • A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're going to dance noe," and started shooting at the old woman feet.

    • The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toes blown off - started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    • The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out her double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers.

    • The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    • The young gunslinger heard the sound too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    • The barrels of the gun never wavered in the old woman hands, as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a Mule's ass?"

    • The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am... but I've always wanted to."

    • There are five lessons here for all of us:
    • 1 - Never be arrogant.
    • 2 - Don't waste ammunition.
    • 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    • 4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
    • 5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
    • FUNNY  3
    • Father's Ashes
    • Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time.

    • Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

    • When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend.

    • However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a - ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

    • After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

    • "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."

    • The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

    • "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
    • FUNNY  1
    • Lip Kiss!!!
    • Pappu Ki Ek Ladki Se Kaafi Time Se Setting Chal Rahi Thi. Bahut Manane Ke Baad Vo Kiss Ke Liye Razi Hui.

    • Pappu Ne Sham Ko Use Apne Ghar Bulaya Aur Bola: Chal Aaj Ambulance-Ambulance Khelte Hain.

    • Ladki: Oye, Ye Kaisi Game Hai? Maine Toh Iska Naam Tak Nahi Suna Aaj Tak.

    • Pappu Muskurate Hue: Badi Simple Game Hai Yaar, Main Tumhe Gall Pe Kiss Karunga, Aur Jab Tum Mujhe Rokna Chaho To Bolna Red Light. Ladki Kuch Soch Ke Boli: Theek Hai. Pappu Ne Gall Pe Kiss Kiya Aur Phir Lip Kiss Karne Laga Toh Ladki Chillane Lagi: Red Light...... Red Light
    • Red Light... Kya Kar Rahe Ho??? Peeche Hato......
    • Red Light.... Mujhe Nahin Khelna.....
    • Red Light....
    • Kutte Kamine Red Light.....
    • Ruk To Sahi Besharam......

    • Pappu Shaitani Hasi Hanste Hue Bola: Arey Pagli, Ambulance Bhi Kabhi Red Light Pe Rukti Hai???
    • HINGLISH  40
    • Christmas Divorce!
    • A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

    • "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    • "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

    • Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    • "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

    • She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    • The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wif, "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."



    • Excellent Innovation
    • Samsung has just incorporated a new feature in their latest hand set... Concept: Make in India !

    • Say Modi.... Modi... twice in your handset and it goes into flight mode.

    • Say Singh... Singh... twice and it will take you to silent mode.

    • Say Arnaab... Arnaab... twice and it will switch on the loud speaker.

    • Say Kejri... Kejri... twice and it will start shivering and go into vibrating mode.

    • Say Rahul... Rahul... twice and it will switch off the phone.
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • We Wish You a Merry...
    • One beautiful December evening, Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting, overlooking the ocean.

    • There was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey, let's play Weeweechu."

    • "Oh no, not now, let's just look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

    • "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.

    • "I love you and this is the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

    • "But I'd rather just hold your hand and watch the moon," Jung Lee said.

    • "Please, Jung Lee, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

    • Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "All right, we'll play Weeweechu."

    • Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both....
    • started to sing....
    • "Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
    • Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
    • Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
    • And A Happy New Year."
    • FUNNY   
    • A Little Cup of 'Tea'
    • There was a family with one kid, Suzie. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of Suzie, who just turned three.

    • Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

    • Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. He praised her good "cooking," so she brought him more.

    • After several cups of tea and lots of praise from father for such yummy tea, Mom came home.

    • "Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.

    • Mom waited, and sure enough, Suzie comes down the hall with another cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. "Isn't she just the cutest?"

    • Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
    • CHILDREN   
    • Complaints & Solutions
    • After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    • Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

    • P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    • S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    • P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    • S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    • P: Something loose in cockpit.
    • S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    • P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    • S: Live bugs on back-order.

    • P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    • S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    • P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    • S: Evidence removed.

    • P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    • S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    • P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    • S: That's what friction locks are for.

    • P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    • S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    • P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    • S: Suspect you're right.

    • P: Number 3 engine missing.
    • S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    • P: Aircraft handles funny.
    • S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    • P: Target radar hums.
    • S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    • P: Mouse in cockpit.
    • S: Cat installed.

    • P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    • S: Took hammer away from midget.


    • Blonde's Bad Dream
    • A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist.

    • Psychologist: What is your dream about?

    • Blonde: I am being chased by a vampire...

    • Psychologist: So, where are you in this dream?

    • Blonde: I am running in a hallway.

    • Psychologist: Then what happens?

    • Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!

    • Psychologist: Does the door have any letters on it?

    • Blonde: Yes.

    • Psychologist: And what do these letter spell?

    • Blonde: "P-U-L-L."
    • BLONDES  5
    • Abi Toh Party Shuru...
    • Ek Baar Tommy Naam Ka Kutta Apne Relatives Se Milne Shehar Chala Gaya. Tommy Se Milkar Sab Bade Khush Hue. Sabne Decide Kiya Ki Tommy Ko Shehar Dikhaya Jaaye. Bas Phir Kya Tha, Kutton Ka Jhund Tommy Ko Lekar Ghumne Nikal Pada.

    • Saar Din Ghumne-Phirne Ke Baad Jab Jhund Ghar Pahuncha Toh Shaam Ho Chuki Thi, Tommy Kaafi Thak Gaya Tha Aur Usko Bhookh Bhi Lagi Thi.

    • Tommy: Chacha, Bahut Zor Se Bhookh Lagi Hai, Kuch Intezaam Kar Do.

    • Tommy Ka Chacha: Bhookh Lagi Hai? Chal Aa Hamare Saath, Tujhe Ek Party Mein Le Chalte Hain.

    • Kutton Ka Jhund Tommy Ko Lekar Ek Park Mein Pahuncha Jahan Kuch Yaar Dost Party Kar Rahe The. Sab Baith Kar Dekhne Lage.

    • Party Abhi Start Hui Thi. Sabke Haathon Mein Peg Tha. Yaaron Ne Apna-Apna Peg Khatam Kiya, Chicken Leg-Piece Khaya Aur Haddi Ko Dustbin Mein Daal Diya.

    • Tommy: Chacha, Dustbin Se Haddiyaan Kaise Nikalein?

    • Chacha: Abhi Ruk Thodi Der Aur Baitha Reh Araam Se.

    • Thodei Der Yaaron Ne Dusra Peg Khatam Kiya Aur Is Baar Leg-Piece Kha Ke Haddiyon Ko Bahar Hi Phenk Diya.

    • Bhukha Tommy Haddiyon Ko Dekhkar Lapka Per Chacha Ne Phir Pakad Ke Baitha Diya.

    • Jab Yaaron Ne 2-3 Peg Aur Laga Liye Toh Leg-Piece Ko Aadha Kha Kar Phenkna Start Kar Diya.

    • Leg-Piece Dekh Kar Tommy Phir Lapka Per Phir Se Chacha Ne Pakad Ke Baitha Diya.

    • Tommy, Gusse Se: Kya Chacha, Ab Toh Haddiyon Ke Saath Meaal Bhi Hai, Ab Toh Khaane Do.

    • Chacha, Hanste Hue: Beta, Yaaron Ko Ek-Ek Peg Aur Lagane De Phir Inke Saath Table-Chair Pe Baith Ke Khaayenge.
    • HINGLISH  32
    • Skin Graft
    • A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

    • So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

    • The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    • After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    • One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

    • She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    • "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
    • MARRIAGE  10
    • Good News, Bad News!
    • Jeeto phoned Santa at work as usual for a chat.

    • Santa said, "Jeeto darling, I am terribly busy today, can you call me back later today perhaps."

    • Jeeto, "But sweetheart, I have a good news, and I have a bad news to give to you."

    • Santa, "Darling, I do not have time, so why don't you give me the good news now, and when I come back home in the evening then give me the bad news, this way I can focus here, and do not spoil my work."

    • Jeeto, "OK dear. The good news is, the Air bag of our brand new Fortuner works, I got my life saved. And when you come back home in the evening I will give you the bad news.

    • And then Jeeto hung up.




    • Racism!!!
    • Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

    • In London, a customer asked: Do you have "Sarso Ka Tel ?

    • The shopkeeper says: Are you an Indian?

    • The guy (clearly offended) says: Yes I am..! But let me ask you something...
    • If I had asked for Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian ?
    • Or if I had asked for Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?
    • Or if I asked for a kosher hotdog, would you ask me if I was Jewish ?
    • If I had asked for halal meat, would you ask me if I was Muslim ?
    • Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican ?
    • The shopkeeper says: No, I probably wouldn't...!!!
    • The guy says: Well then, because I asked for Sarso Ka Tel, why did you ask if I am an Indian ? The (calm) shopkeeper replied: Because, this is a wine shop Sir!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Redneck Divorce
    • A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

    • Attorney: May I help you?

    • Hillbilly: Yeah, I want to get one of those dayvorces.

    • Attorney: Well... do you have any grounds?

    • Hillbilly: Yea, I got about a hundred acres.

    • Attorney: No, you don't understand, do you have a case?

    • Hillbilly: No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

    • Attorney: I mean, do you have a grudge?

    • Hillbilly: Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.

    • Attorney: No sir, I mean do you have a suit?

    • Hillbilly: Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.

    • Attorney: Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?

    • Hillbilly: No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.

    • Attorney: Well, is she a nagger or anything?

    • Hillbilly: No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Smart Navigator
    • The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators.

    • The crusty old-timer Captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

    • The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.

    • He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

    • "No, sir," replies the newbie.

    • "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his Co-Pilot.

    • The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

    • What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

    • Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
    • FUNNY   
    • Biker with a Broken Zip
    • A couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip.

    • He told his girlfriend, "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable."

    • His girlfriend said, "Try putting your jacket on back to front."

    • The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch.

    • A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police.

    • The police telephone operator asked, "Are they showing any signs of life?"

    • "Well," the motorist explained, "the girl seems OK and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"



    • The Religious Blonde
    • A blonde hadn't been to church for many many months. She always promised to go, but never did.

    • One day, the pastor was astounded when she suddenly show up for Sunday service. Thereafter, she was at every Sunday service, every prayer meeting, every home group meeting, etc.

    • Three months later, one Sunday after the service, the pastor asks her, "What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"

    • She replied, "It's this new car of mine, pastor; they told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!"
    • BLONDES   
    • Men Will Be Men
    • A girl at bus top spotted a handsome man and without hesitation she told , "I love you!"

    • Man placed his hand on her head, "This love and infatuation all are nothing. Go back to your home and study hard so that you can lead a successful life."

    • Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand, "I have written some wisdom for you, read before you sleep...." and went away.

    • Girl went back to hostel with tears and before sleep she opens the paper.

    • "Are you blind? my wife was standing behind me..... anyways this is my number call me anytime. By the way I love you too!"

    • Men Will Be Men!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • I Presume
    • A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume."

    • One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

    • "Very good," said the teacher.

    • Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

    • "That's excellent," says the teacher.

    • Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

    • The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

    • Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

    • The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

    • "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
    • LITTLE JOHNNY   
    • Saying Thanks in Spanish
    • The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb, sat next to him. There was a slight nod as they looked at each other.

    • Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said.

    • Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly grawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...

    • At the cowboy's hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead."

    • "Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad."

    • "What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?" asked the Judge.

    • "Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass..."



    • Gracias (Spanish) To Thank someone, Gratitude.


    • The Nagging Wife
    • Pati-Pani Car Se Ek Shaadi Attend Karne Jaa Rahe The. Raaste Mein Car Puncture Hi Gayi... Bechaara Pati Utara Aur Stepni Badalne Ke Kaam Mein Lag Gaya.

    • Patni Bhi Utri Aur Utarte Hi Apne Pati ko Ulta-Seedha Bolne Lagi . Suniye Uski Bak-Bak.
    • Dekha Kar Nahin Chala Sakte The,
    • Kisi Nokile Patthar Pe Chada Di,
    • Puncture Toh Hua Hi Dent Pada So Alag.
    • Pata Nahin Kaise Driver Ho,
    • Biwi Ko Baitha Kar Bhi Raough Driving Karte Ho,
    • Zaroor Nazar Kahin Idhar-Udhar Hogi,
    • Ya Kisi Aur Ke Khayalon Mein Gum Hoge.
    • Pata Nahin Kisne Tumko License Diya.
    • Koi Kaam Dhang Se Aur Theek Se Nahin Kar Sakte Tum.
    • Ab Pata Nahin Stepni Theek Bhi Hai Ya Nahi.
    • Aur Sabse Badi Baat Ki Ab Shaadi Mein Bhi Der Se Pahunchenge,
    • Socha Tha Meri Nayi Saree Dekh Kar Sab Jalengi Mujhse,
    • Lekin Ab Toh Varmaala Ke Baad Hi Pahunchenge,
    • Tumse Toh Meri Khushi Dekhi Nahin Jaati.
    • Arey, Bade Ajeeb Aadmi Ho, Kuch Kahoge Bhi Ya Yun Hi Gunge Bane Rahoge?
    • Meri Toh Kismat Hi Phooti Ki Tum Jais Aadmi Mila.
    • Bolte-Bolte Bechaari Kalpane Bhi Lagi.

    • Itne Mein Ek Aadmi Bike Wala Aakar Ruka Aur Pucha: Bhai Saab, Kuch Help Karun Kya?

    • Pati: Bhai Saab, Badi Meharbaani Hogi Agar Aap Meri Patni Se Thodi Der Baatein Kar Lein... Taaki Mein Ye Tyre Change Kar Sakoon...
    • HINGLISH  16
    • ATM Instructions for Men & Women
    • Aapka Swagat Hai.
    • 1. Apna Card Nikalein Aur ATM Mein Insert Karein.
    • 2. Apna Card Bahar Nikalein.
    • 3. Ab Apna Pin Number Type Karein.
    • 4. Avashyak Amount Bharein.
    • 5. Apna Amount Aur Receipt Collect Karein.
    • 6. Atm Ka Use Karne Ke Liye Dhanyavaad.

    • For Ladies:
    • 1. Hey Bhagwaan.
    • 2. Apne Hand Bag Mein Rakha Saara Samaan Side Waale Table Pe Nikaal Ke Rakh Dein Taaki Aap Apna Card Asaani Se Dhoond Sakein.
    • 3. Card Nikaalein Aur Atm Mein Daalein.
    • 4. Ab Card Bahar Nikaalein Aur Dobara Sahi Tareeke Se Insert Karein.
    • 5. Ab Table Par Pade Samaan Mein Se Vo Diary Nikaalein Jismein Aapne Apna Pin Code Likha Hai.
    • 6. Hand Bag Mein Lage Mirror Mein Apna Make-Up Check Karein.
    • 7. Diary Mein Likhe Pin Number Ke Ek-Ek Digit Ke Neeche Ungli Rakhte Hue Araam Se Entry Karein.
    • 8. Bahar Line Mein Khade Gusse Mein Aa Chuke Logon Ko 2 Minute Rukne Ka Ishaara Karein.
    • 9. Apni Passbook Nikaalein Jismein Aapke Last Transaction Ki Raseed Rakhi Hogi, Jis Se Aapke Account Mein Present Balance Pata Chal Sake.
    • 10. Required Amount Ko Carefully Entry Karein.
    • 11. Paise Collect Karein Aur Achchi Tarah Gin Lein.
    • 12. Raseed Collect Karein.
    • 13. Ab Apne Phone Pe Trasaction Ka Message Check Karein.
    • 14. Agar Message Aaya Hai Toh Raseed Se Tally Karein.
    • 15. Agar Message Nahin Aaya Toh Apne Pati, Pita Ya Bhai Ko Yahin Se Phone Karke Batayein.
    • 16. Apna Samaan Vaapas Apne Handbag Mein Daalein Aur Ek Baar Phir Apna Make-Up Check Karein.
    • 17. Aapka Transaction Pura Hua.
    • 18. Atm Use Karne Ke Liye Dhanyavaad.
    • HINGLISH  19
    • Best Credit Card Offers?
    • A lady got a call from a bank....

    • Hello Mam! We are offering you credit card with best deals!!!
    • 1. No annual charges.
    • 2. No interest on balance for three months.
    • 3. Big credit limit.
    • 4. No penalties for over spending.

    • Smart reply by the lady:
    • No thanks... I don't want a credit card. I have a husband...
    • 1. With lifetime Zero fee.

    • 2. No spending limit.

    • 3. No penalties and most importantly.

    • 4. No repayment forever.

    • Line cut without a word....
    • FUNNY  7
    • Son of a Bitch Fish!!!
    • The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

    • The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

    • "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

    • "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    • "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

    • Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen!!!"

    • "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

    • "Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

    • Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

    • "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

    • Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

    • "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

    • "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

    • Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

    • "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

    • As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in, "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

    • "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

    • "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

    • "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

    • On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

    • The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

    • "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

    • "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

    • The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

    • The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fu*kers are my kind of people."



    • Police Wale Ki Jyadti
    • Ek Ladke Ko Ek Police Wale Ke Saath Gaali-Galauch Aur Maar-Peet Karne Ke Ilzaam Mein Magistrate Ke Saamne Pesh Kiya Gaya.

    • Magistrate: Kya Hua Tha?

    • Yuvak: Janaab, Mein Telephone Booth Mein Tha Aur Chupchaap, Bade Hi Shaantipurn Tareeke Se Apni Girlfriend Se Pyaar Bhari Baatein Kar Raha Tha. Tabhi Ye Police Waala Wahan Aaya. Pata Nahin Ise Phone Karne Ki Itni Kya Jaldi Thi Ki Isne Booth Ka Darwaza Khola, Meri Baaju Pakadkar Mujhe Bahar Kheench Liya Aur Dhakka Dekar Road Pe Gira Diya.

    • Magistrate: Toh Isliye Tumhe Gussa Aa Gaya Aur Tumne Isko Gaaliyaan Di Aur Isko Maara Bhi?

    • Yuvak: Ji Janaab.

    • Magistrate: Ye Toh Sach Mein Is Policewaale Ki Jyadti Hai... Jab Tum Pehle Se Hi Booth Ke Andar The Aur Baat Kar Rahe The Toh Isko Toh Intezar Karna Chahiye Tha.

    • Yuavk: Itna Hi Nahin Janaab, Mujhe Bahar Nikaalne Ke Baad Isne Aur Bhi Jyada Badsalooki Ki...

    • Magistrate: Achcha!!! Aur Kya Kiya Isne?

    • Yuvak: Mujhe Bahar Nikalne Ke Baad Isne Meri Girlfriend Ko Bhi Haath Pakadkar Bahar Nikala Aur Usko Bhi Dhakka Dekar Road Pe Gira Diya...
    • HINGLISH  24
    • Most Obedient
    • There was a father who called his 5 small children together.

    • As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle.

    • He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them. He asked them, "who is the most obedient?"

    • Five sets of eyes looked up at him.

    • Sensing that they didn't understand the word he then asked, "Ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?"

    • One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father.

    • "You win!" exclaimed the child.
    • MARRIAGE  2
    • Who's The Boss?
    • Ek Baar Pati Aur Patni Ke Beech Kisi Baat Ko Lekar Jhagda Ho Gaya, Bahut Behas Hui Aur Baat Maar-Peet Tak Aa Pahunchi.

    • Jaise Hi Patni Belan Lekar Pati Pe Jhapati Toh Usne Bhi Gazab Ke Reflexes Dikhaye Aur Ekdum Se Almaari Ke Andar Ghus Gaya.

    • Patni Belan Se Almaari Ko Khatkhatate Hue, Gusse Se Boli: Bahar Nikalo!!!

    • Andar Se Pati Bolta Hai: Nahi Nikalta...

    • Patni Chilla Kar Boli: Mein Kehti Hun Bahar Niklo....

    • Pati Almaari Ke Andar Se Chillata Hai: Nahin Nikalta, Kar Lo Jo Karna Hai.

    • Pati-Patni Ka Shor-Sharaba Sunka Padosi Bhi Aa Gaye Aur Puchne Lage Ki Kya Hua, Kya Baat Hai...???

    • Patni, Gusse Se Chillati Hui Boli: Ye Darpok Aadmi Almaari Ke Andar Ghus Gaya Hai... Ise Kaho Ki Fauran Almaari Se Bahar Aa Jaaye Verna Theek Nahin Hoga.

    • Pati, Almaari Ke Andar Se, Lagbhag Dahaadta Hua Bola: Nahin Nikalta...!!! Aaj Pure Mohalle Ko Pata Chal Hi Jaana Chahiye Ki Is Ghar Mein Kis Ki Marzi Chalti Hai....!!!!
    • HINGLISH  22
    • Bring on Your Rats
    • The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.

    • A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.

    • "Get to work," the store-keeper urged.

    • "I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.

    • When this had been provided, "Now give me a quart of whiskey."

    • Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly, "Now show me the cellar."

    • An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted, "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"


    • Family Planning
    • A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 

    • "That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"

    • "Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

    • "How about transportation?" the father asked.

    • "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

    • The boy had answer to every question the father raise.

    • Finally, in exasperation, the father asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

    • "We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have any babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."
    • CHILDREN  2
    • Ski Trip
    • Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing.

    • Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

    • Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

    • Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

    • Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
    • FUNNY  3
    • A Trip to Israel
    • A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

    • The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

    • "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

    • He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.

    • Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

    • So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

    • The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.

    • The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
    • RELIGION  9
    • Doctors & Diagnosis
    • A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring . The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds , so the community could become used to a new doctor.

    • At the first house , a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

    • The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick ?"

    • As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman ? How do you come to the diagnosis so quickly ?"

    • "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

    • The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

    • Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

    • "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

    • As they left , the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

    • "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.



    • Why I Quit Golfing
    • A page from husband's diary...

    • Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, grabbed my golf bag, tried not to wake my wife, sneaked quietly into garage & proceeded to back out into.... a torrential rain ! Wind was blowing at 50 mph.

    • I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio & discovered that the weather would be bad through out the day.

    • Disappointed I went back into the house,quietly undressed, and sneaked back into bed.

    • There I cuddled up to my wife's back& whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    • My beautiful and loving wife replied, "I know... and can you believe my stupid husband is out there playing golf in that terrible weather !"

    • I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped playing golf.
    • GOLF   
    • Emergency Brakes
    • An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a Pennsylvania state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says, "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

    • The trooper says, "Ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speedin... I'm just kidding."

    • The two chuckled a bit before he continued to say, "Actually, I pulled you over because there's strap around your horse's... genitalia. It looks like it's a bit painful, and I wasn't sure if you knew it was there."

    • The woman replies, "Oh dear, well my husband is the one that rigs the horses. I just clean them, and throw the horse over the fence some hay. But as soon as I get home, I'll be sure to tell him."

    • The officer ended with, "Please do as soon as you can. Have a nice day."

    • The woman gets home and says, "Pa?"

    • Her husband yells down, "Yes, ma?"

    • To which she replied, "A nice, young state trooper pulled me over today, and said there's something wrong with the brakes."
    • FUNNY   
    • Free Drinks!!!
    • Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Amritsar, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

    • "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

    • When the passengers muttering had died down she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his/her meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited liquor during the entire duration of the flight."

    • Her next announcement came an hour and a half later, "If anyone wants to change his/her mind we still have 40 dinners available."
    • FUNNY   
    • Wife's Letter
    • Mayeke Gayi Hui Patni Ka Pati Ko Letter:
    • Kripya Instructions Dhyaan Se Padhein.

    • Kaamwali Ko Salary De Di Hai, Jyada Daanveer Mat Ban Jaana.

    • Aapko Kitni Baar Bataya Hai Ki Padosan Ka Akhbaarwala, Doodhwala, Laundrywaala Humse Alag Hai, Har Roz Subah Bahane Se Puchne Mat Pahunch Jaana Ki Aapka Akhbaara Aa Gaya...

    • Almaari Mein Left Side Pe Aapke Underwar Aur Baniyan Rakhi Hai Aur Right Side Pe Pappu Ke, Last Time Saara Din Office Mein Upar -Neeche Kheench Rahe The...

    • Chashma Sahi Jagah Pe Rakhna, Pichli Baar Jab Mein 5 Din Baad Aayi Thi Tab Fridge Mein Mila Tha...

    • Apna Mobile Sambhaal Kar Rakhna, Pichli Baar Bathroom Mein Soap Case Mein Mila Tha. Mujhe Toh Ye Samajh Nahin Aaya Ki Bathroom Mein Mobile Ka Kya Kaam Hota Hai.

    • Aur Haan, Yaaron-Doston Ko Jyada Jama Mat Karna. Yaad Hai Pichli Baar Sofe Ke Cover Se Kitne Saare Mungfali Aur Santre Ki Chilke Mile The Aur Bed Ke Neeche Beedi-Cigarettes Ke Tukde.

    • Aur Most Important Baat: Jyada Khush Hone Ki Zaroorat Nahin Hai, Mein Kabhi Bhi Vaapas Aa Sakti Hun.



    • Sanskari James Bond !!!
    • After the censor board has slashed 50 percent of the kissing scenes and some swearwords in the latest franchise of Bond, 'Spectre,' Twitter has reacted very sharply and they just can't stop trolling '#SanskariJamesBond.'

    • Here are some of the funniest tweets.

    • "I don't stop when I'm tired, I stop when billi rasta kaat gayi. #SanskariJamesBond," posted Billo.

    • "#SanskariJamesBond has a small idol of Ganeshji on the dashboard of his Aston Martin," posted another Twitter user.

    • "Villan: Come in Mr. James Bond, I've been expecting you.
    • Bond: Ji Joote Kahan Uttaru? #SanskariJamesBond," said a Bond fan.

    • "#SanskariJamesBond will ride a bullet proof Rath, will wear dhoti, will drink branded Mutra and will touch heroine's feet to turn her on," said ROFL.

    • "#SanskariJamesBond eats dahi shakkar before leaving home when he goes on a mission," Muskaan said.

    • "# SanskariJamesBond seduces women by lighting aggarbattis in his bedroom and then introduces them to his Mom," said Purba.

    • "#SanskariJamesBond doesn't drink Vodka Martini because he's a Complan boy!" said Pratik.

    • "Next series of #SanskariJamesBond willll be directed by Suraj Barjatya and movies'll be called 'Ham Aap Ke Hain Bond' and 'Bond Sanskar Dhan Payo', posted Vinay.

    • "#SanskariJamesBond does not kill enemy agents on Tuesdays, Thursdays and during Nav Ratri," posted a user.
    • FUNNY  6
    • The Dumbest Robber?
    • After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

    • The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

    • "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

    • "Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

    • After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

    • "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

    • The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

    • The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

    • The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back????"
    • LAWYERS  1
    • Good News, Bad News
    • An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

    • "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

    • "Give me the good news first," the artist demanded.

    • "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

    • "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could possibly be the bad news?"

    • "Well," the gallery owner replied, "I have a buddy who's a private investigator, and I had him look into the guy."

    • "And...?" the artist says.

    • "He's your doctor."
    • DOCTORS  4
    • The Oldest Member!
    • One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.

    • The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

    • So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.

    • "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.

    • "I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddenly was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: "RRROOAARRR!!!"
    • "I tell you, I just soiled myself!"

    • The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me."

    • The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not back then. I soiled myself just now, when I said 'RRROOAAARRR!!!' Could one of you help me out please?"



    • Birthday Gift
    • A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    • "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    • So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

    • Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 9th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

    • Please send your donations to the - "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation"
    • MARRIAGE  2
    • A Management Lesson
    • Once there was a king who had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

    • One of the ministers once gave an opinion which the king didn't like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

    • So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this? Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!"

    • The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

    • The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

    • When the 10 days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment. But when he was thrown in, eEveryone was amazed at what they saw, they saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

    • The king baffled at what he saw and said, "What happened to dogs !!!"

    • The minister then said, "I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn't forget my service. Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!" So the king realised his mistake and got wolves instead!

    • Moral: What management decides is decided. Eventhough they are wrong, you will be screwed!
    • FUNNY  15
    • Condemned By a Nun
    • A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

    • As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

    • Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

    • The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

    • "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

    • "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

    • "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

    • "Well, I really don't know...."

    • "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

    • "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question.

    • However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

    • "Well let's go inside and settle this"

    • "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

    • "You're on!" said the guy.

    • The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

    • The bartender sighed and said, "Is that frickin' nun out there again!"
    • BAR  3
    • Embarrassing Moment
    • An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.

    • While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.

    • She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.

    • "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."

    • "Try further down," she said.

    • At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."

    • "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."



    • Have faith
    • A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

    • "HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

    • A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
    • "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

    • "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

    • "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

    • There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
    • RELIGION   
    • Men vs Women
    • On being told that someone has purchased a new car, women ask what color it is. Men ask what the make and model are.

    • Men have no opinions whatsoever on curtains.

    • Ask for directions from a woman out and about, and she will give you landmarks by shopping stores. Men will give you landmarks by restaurants and pubs.

    • Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch plasma screen.

    • Women can use sex to get what they want. Men can't because, well, what they want is sex.

    • Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.

    • At weddings, women cry and then drink too much. Men drink too much, and then cry.

    • Men can balance an infinite amount of trash in the garbage can without ever noticing it's full.

    • Women know when all you want to do is get it off your shoulders and whine. Men always offer a solution.

    • Women enjoy planning a wedding. Men enjoy just getting it over with.

    • Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something about the grouting.

    • Men can watch an entire movie without having to ask "Who is that, and what did he do?"

    • A man can choose and purchase - in 90 seconds - a pair of shoes.

    • Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade. Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.
    • FUNNY   
    • A Miracle In My Church!
    • Little Johnny goes to church on Sunday. There, he runs into the priest.

    • The priest says: Good morning Johnny!

    • Johnny: Good morning, Father.

    • Priest: Tell me Johnny, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?

    • Johnny: Well Father, Timmy is crippled you know? And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water and rubbed it on his right leg and threw his crutch away!

    • Priest: Oh my God, a miracle in my church! We are blessed by God! Then what happened?

    • Johnny: Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg and threw his other crutch away!

    • Priest: Praise Jesus! This is truly a miracle in my church! God is great! Then what happened, Johnny?

    • Johnny: Well Father then he fell on his a$$, he's crippled you know?
    • LITTLE JOHNNY   
    • Warm Beer!!!
    • A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.

    • Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.

    • The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.

    • The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $3 dollar bill.

    • The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.

    • Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note.

    • The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "There is your f*cking change!"

    • The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!"




    • New Supermarket!
    • A new supermarket opened in San Antonio, Texas. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

    • Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    • When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

    • In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

    • When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    • The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

    • I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!
    • FUNNY  10
    • A Difficult Question!
    • A little boy walks in to the kitchen one Sunday morning while his dad is reading the paper.

    • "Where does poo come from?" he asks.

    • The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5-year-old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says, "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answers the boy.

    • "Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the bathroom, and that is poo."

    • The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks. "And Tigger?"
    • CHILDREN  5
    • Aaj Kal Ke Bachche
    • Main Ye Sochkar TV Ke Aagey Baith Gaya Ki Aaj Ki NEWS Dekhi Jaaye. Bagal Mein Baithi Biwi Apne Daily Ke Serial Mein Kuch Is Kadar Dubi Hui Thi Ki Usko Ye Bhi Ahsaas Nahin Hua Ke Kab Main Aa Ke Uske Saath Baith Gaya.

    • Tabhi Mujhe Khyaal aaya Ki Agar Is Samaye Shrimatiji Se Remote Maanga Toh Bhukamp Aa Jayega... Is Se Toh Achcha Ye Hai Ki Thodi Der Baad News Dekh Li Jaaye Ya Phir Subah Newspaper Pad Lunga. Bas Yehi Sochkar Sofe Se Uhtne Laga.

    • Tabhi Hamar Chota Beta Kamre Mein Aaya Aur Yahan Wahan Kuch Dhoondne Laga. Shrimatiji Abhi BahiApne Serial Mein Gum Thi... Koi Hosh Nahin Ki Beta Bhi Kamere Mein Aa Chuka Hai.

    • Maine Pucha: Kya Dhoond Rahe Ho? Kuch Kho Gaya Hai Kya?

    • Beta Bola: Nahin Papa, Kuch Nahin Khoya, Main Toh Remote Dhoond Raha Haun, Match Dekhna Hai.... Kahan Hai Remote?

    • Maine Shrimatiji Ki Taraf Ishaara Kiya Toh Beta Bola: Arey Papa, Aapka Nahin... TV Ka Remote Chahiye, TV Ka...!!!
    • HINGLISH  31
    • Business is Business
    • One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 20 bucksto the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

    • An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

    • The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

    • Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

    • The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

    • Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

    • The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, come up here and I'll give you the 20 bucks."

    • As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jignesh, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

    • Jignesh, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"



    • My First Drink With My Son
    • While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

    • Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

    • I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

    • Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it.

    • Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager! He didn't. I drank it.

    • I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope, he didn't. I drank it.

    • In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

    • By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
    • FUNNY   
    • I Dare You
    • At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.

    • "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life.

    • "I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God.

    • "I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."

    • When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence.

    • As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."
    • CHILDREN   
    • The Talking Frog!
    • An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

    • He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

    • He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

    • The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

    • The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." 

    • The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

    • Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

    • He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
    • FUNNY   
    • Shakespeare's Lesson
    • A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly, "Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"

    • His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.

    • The next day the same thing happened. "Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"

    • The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying, "When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."

    • When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare, "Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."

    • Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of: "Hark! What manner of men are these, Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"


    • Last Name!!!
    • The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

    • "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

    • "Bobby," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Kumar, Sharma, Gupta, Verma, Singh..... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Kashyap. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    • The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Bobby Darling."

    • "Okay Bobby, the next thing I want to tell you is....
    • FUNNY  6
    • Income Tax Raid!
    • Ek Baar Ek Seth Ke Ghar Icome Tax Ki Raid Pad Gayi.

    • Income Tax Officer: Baaki Toh Theek Hai Seth Ji, Per Aapne Kutton Ko Jalebi Khilane Ka Kharcha 5 Lakh Rupaye Jo Likhe Hain.. Us Se Hum Satisfied Nahin Hain. Kya Aap Iska Koi Pakka Document Ya Bill Ya Koi Proof Dikha Sakte Hain?

    • Seth: Ji Nahin, Iska Toh Koi Proof Ya Document Nahin Hai Mere Paas. Income Tax Officer: Seth Ji, Ye Toh Problem Ho Gayi.... Haan Ek Raasta Hai... Agar Aap Humein 25,000 Rupaye De Do Toh Hum Baat Ko Yahin Rafa-Dafa Kar Denge.

    • Seth Ji Maan Gaye Aur Bole Ki Theek Hai Sahab, Mein Aapko 25,000 De Deta Hun.

    • Seth Ne Apne Munim Ko Awaaz Lagaai Aur Kaha: Munim Ji, In Logon Ko 25000 Rupaye De Do Aur Khaate Mein Likh Dena Kutton Ne 25000 Ki Jalebiyaan Aur Khaayi....
    • HINGLISH  39
    • Bloody Neighbours!!!
    • There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads.

    • Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

    • To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked in her life.

    • Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for his racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has ever been proved.

    • All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

    • Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are both out of control.

    • I hate living near Buckingham Palace!!!
    • CELEBRITIES  1
    • T20 Exams
    • Ek Baar Master Ji Apni Class Ke Bachchon Se Puchne Lage: Bachchon Jis Tarah T20 Cricket Aane Se Cricket Dekhne Ka Maza Badh Gaya Hai Usi Tarah Tum Bhi Kuch Aisa Suggest Karo Ki Tumhaare Exams Bhi Bade Interesting Aur Mazedaar Ho Jayein Aur Sab Bachche Exams Se Darein Na.

    • Jab Koi Nahin Bola Toh Pappu Is Sawaal Ka JAwab Dene K Liye Khada Ho gaya.

    • Master Ji Uske Khurafati Dimaag Se Parichit The, Vo Jaanta The Ki Ulta-Seedha Bolega, Na Chahte Hue Bhi Bole: Jaldi Se Bata.

    • Pappu Gambhir Hokar Bola: Master Ji, Hamara Paper 1 Ghanta Aur 20 Minute Ka Hona Chahiye.
    • Har 20 Minute Ke Baad Students Ko Aapas Mein Baat Karne Ke Liye 2 Minute Ka 'Time Off' Milna Chahiye.
    • Bachchon Ko Ek Free Hit Milni Chahiye, Jismein Bachche Kisi Bhi Ek Question Ka Answer Apni Marzi Se Kuch Bhi Likh Sakte Hon.
    • Pehle 20 Minute Mein 'Power Play' Hona Chahiye Jismein Duty Waale Sir Examination Room Se Bahar Hon.

    • Aur Most Important.... Har Sahi Answer Likhne Pe 'Cheer Girls' Room Mein Aa Ke Dance Karein...



    • The Tooth Brush Salesman
    • The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

    • Little Sally led off.

    • "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    • "Very good", said the teacher.

    • Little Debbie was next.

    • "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 , and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    • "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

    • Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

    • "$2,467," he said.

    • "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    • "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    • "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    • "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dogpoop!' I would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

    • Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
    • LITTLE JOHNNY   
    • Male or Female!!!
    • SWISS ARMY KNIFE - Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

    • KIDNEYS - Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

    • TIRE - Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

    • HOT AIR BALLOON - Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

    • SPONGES - Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

    • WEB PAGE - Female, because it is always getting hit on.

    • SHOE - Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

    • COPIER - Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

    • ZIPLOC BAGS - Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

    • SUBWAY - Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

    • HOURGLASS - Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

    • HAMMER - Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5000 years but it's handy to have around.

    • REMOTE CONTROL - Female... Ha...! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Indian Lion
    • In the poor zoo of India, a lion was so much frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.

    • The lion thought it's prayers were answered when one of Saudi Arabia Zoo Manager visits the zoo and requests the zoo management to shift the lion to the Sauid Arabia Zoo.

    • The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central AC environment, a goat or two every day and a Saudia residence permit also. On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.

    • The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of peanuts was delivered.

    • The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, "Don't you know I am the lion.... King of the Jungle..... What's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering peanuts to me?

    • The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but...... errr..... did you know that you have been brought here on a Monkey's visa!"
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • New Blacksmith!
    • An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

    • The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

    • "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy.

    • "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

    • One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

    • "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

    • Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.



    • From Loving Employees
    • Dear Boss,
    • To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

    • Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.

    • Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.

    • Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebratethe subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

    • Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

    • Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once againreturn you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

    • We hope you will enjoy your trip!
    • Your loyal employees.
    • FUNNY  4
    • Pappu Jokes
    • Pappu Bazaar Gaya. Wahan Use Papa Ke Ek Purane Dost Mil Gaye.
    • Uncle: Pappu Beta, Kaise Ho ?
    • Pappu: Ji, Badhiya ..........
    • Uncle: Aur Papa ?
    • Pappu: Ji Vo Bhi Badhiya.....
    • Uncle: Bhai ?
    • Pappu: Vo Bhi Theek Hai.....
    • Uncle: Studies?
    • Pappu: Vo Bhi Theek Chal Rahi Hai.
    • Uncle: Aur Sunaao Pappu Beta, Kya Chal Raha Hai ?
    • Pappu: Bematalab Ke Sawaal Jawaab.....!

    • Teacher: A B C D Sunao..
    • Pappu: A B C D...
    • Teacher: Aur Sunao??
    • Pappu: Sab Theek Hai Mam ji, Aap Sunao... Kya Chal Raha Hai Aajkal...?

    • English Teacher: Wo Larki Sab Larkon Se Hans Kar Bat Krti Hai. Batao Is Sentence Mein Larki Kya Hai ? Pappu: Sir! Larki Chaalu Hai...!!!

    • Teacher: Pappu, Iski English MEin Translate Karo: Larkiyan Yahan Se Guzar Chuki Hain.
    • Pappu: Oh Shit! I Am Late...
    • PAPPU  78
    • The Friendly Advice
    • Two Pathans are traveling to Australia.

    • Before they leave home, one of their Gujju friends gives them both a bit of advice:

    • "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

    • At the Sydney airport, the Pathans catch a cab to their hotel.

    • When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."

    • "Oh no you don't! My friend warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the Pathan.

    • "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
    • COMMUNITIES  5
    • Auto Refill
    • Santa Ko Beach Pe Sair Karte Hu Ek Bottle Milti Hai. Vo Usko Uthakar Jaise Hi Uska Dhakkan Kholta Hai, Ek Jinn Prakat Hota Hai Aar Kehta Hai, "Tumne Mujhe Is Bottle Se Azaad Kiya Hai, Mein Tumhe 3 Wishes Deta Hun, Maang Lo Jo Bhi Maangana Hai!"

    • Sanat Phataak Se Bolta Hai, "O Yaar Bahut Pyaas Lagi Hai.... Tu Aisa Kar Pehle Ek Beer Ka Can De De, Baaki Baad Mein Soch Ke Batata Hun...

    • And poof! there was a Can of Beer in his hand. Santa Jhat Se Beer Pee Leta Aur Jaise Hi Can Phainkane Lagta Hai Jinnn Kehta Hai, "Oye, Phainkane Se Pehle Is Can Ko Ek Baar Chek Toh Kar Le... 

    • He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with Beer. Santa Hairaani Se, "Kamaal Hai Yaar, Ye Toh Phir Se Bhar Gayi... 

    • "That's a magic can. Jab Bhi Tum Ise Khaali Karoge Ye Apne Aap Phir Se Bhar Jayegi." Santa Puchta Hai, "Matlab Ke Ye Kabhi Khaali Nahin Hogi???" Jinn Kehta Hai, "Kabhi Nahin. Aur Batao Santa ji, Aur Kya Chahiye... Apni Baaki ki 2 Wishs Batao"

    • Santa grinned, "Oye Yaar, Aur Kuch Nahi Chahiye... Bas Aise 2 Can Aur De De... Kamaal Ke Can Hain Ye..



    • Patni Ki Dhamki
    • Pati Aur Patni Mein Kisi Baat Par Jabardast Jhagra Ho Gaya.

    • Pati Us Baat Se Naaraz Hokar Patni Se Baat Nahi Kar Rahaa Tha.

    • Patni: Ab Main 10 Tak Ginuungi, Agar Tum Naa Bole Toh Main Zehar Kha Loongi !!!

    • Pati Khaamosh.

    • Patni: Ek !!

    • Pati Khamosh!

    • Patni: Do !!

    • Pati, Phir Bhi Chup.

    • Patni (Pyar Se): Bolo Na Please...!!!!

    • Pati, Apni Mundi Ghumaa Ke Chup.

    • Ab Patni Ka Rona Shuruu.

    • Pati: Pagli, Ginti Chaalu Rakh... Counting... Counting!

    • Patni: Shukar Hai ! Aap Bole Toh....... Nahi To Mai To Zehar Khane Wali Thi !!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Nuns and Beer
    • Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.

    • One asks the other if she would like a beer.
    • The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
    • The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
    • The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
    • The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
    • FUNNY   
    • Rahul's Election Rally
    • Bihar Mein Elections Ke Chalte Rahul Gandhi Wahan Ke Ek Dur -Daraj Ke Gaanv Mein Election Rally Karne Ke Liya Gaya. Kareeb 30-35 Km, Kachchi Aur Tuti Si Sadak Pe Safar Karne Ke Baad Jab Rahul Wahan Pahuncha Toh Dekha Ki Wahan Sirf Ek Hi Kisaan Baitha Hua Tha.

    • Usko Akela Dekh Ke Rahul Baba Bahut Niraash Ho Gaye Aur Kissan Se Bole: Bhai, Tum Toh Ek Hi Ho, Ab Samajh Nahin Aa Raha Ki Bhashan Dun Ya Nahin?

    • Kisaan: Sahab, Mere Ghar Mpe 20 Bail Hain. Main Unhe Chaara Daalne Jaun Aur Wahan Ek Hi Bail Ho Toh Kya Us Akele Bail Ko Chaara Nahin Dalunga? Baaki 19 Bailon Ke Na Hone Ke Karan Kya Us Ek Bail Ka Upwaas Karwa Dun?

    • Kisaan Ka Ye Jawab Sunkar Rahul Ke Andar Josh Aa Jaata Hai Aur Vo Khush Hokar Stage Pe Chad Jaate Hain Aur 2 Ghante Tak Bhaashan Diya. Bhaashan Khatam Hone Ke Baad Rahul Kisaan Se: Bhai, Tumhaari Bailon Waali Baat Aur Udharan Mujhe Bahut Hi Achcha Laga, Isliye Maine Tum Akele Ko Bhaashan Diya. Ab Tum Batao Ki Tumhe Mera Bhashan Kaisa Laga?

    • Kisaan: Sahab Ji, 19 Balon Ki Gairhazri Mein 20 Bailon Ka Chaara Ek Hi Bail Ko Nahin Daal Dena Chahiye... Itni Akal Toh Hai Mujhe Mein Bhi....
    • HINGLISH   
    • Henpecked Husband
    • At a dinner party the other night my wife tried to embarrass me by telling our guests about an argument that's been ongoing in our house hold.

    • "Yes," she said smugly. "He's well trained, I have constantly reminded him to put the seat down after he's used the toilet and like a good little boy, he now does as he's told."

    • They all started laughing at me then one of her friends turned to me and said, "Hha, totally pussy whipped aren't you!"

    • "No not really," I replied calmly. "I'v just been pissing in the sink for the last 6 months."


    • A Different Father
    • A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

    • The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

    • The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed, "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.

    • With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

    • Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

    • Then, finally, she says, "You."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Apna Apna Tariff
    • Electricity Department Ke Office Ke Saamne Ek Kele Wala Thela Lagaakar Kela Bech Rahaa Tha.

    • Jab Office Kee Chhutti Hui Toh Electricity Department Ke Ek Engineer Ne Kele Wale Se Poochha: Kele Kya Bhav Hain ?

    • Kele Walah: Kis Liye Chahiye ?

    • Engineer: Matlab ?

    • Kelewala: Mandir Mein Chadhaao Toh 30 Rs. Kg.
    • Old Age Home Ke Liye 35 Rs. Kg.
    • School Children Ke Liye 40 Rs. Kg.
    • Ghar Ke Liye 45 Rs. Kg.
    • Aur Hotel Ke Liye 50 Rs. Kg.

    • Engineer: Yeh Kya Baat Hui ? Kele Ek Hee Tarah Ke Aur Bhav Alag-Alag ? Aisa Kyon Bhai?

    • Kela Walah: Ye To Apna Apna Tariff Hai Sir ! Aap Bhi Toh Ek Hee Pole Se Bijli Dete Ho, Ghar Ke Liye Alag Rate, Dukan Ke Alag Rate, Factory Ke Alag Rate.... Hai Ki Nahi ?
    • HINGLISH   
    • Real Friends!!!
    • A young couple was touring southern Florida on their honeymoon and stopped at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.

    • After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

    • "Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Do you ever get bitten?"

    • "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

    • "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

    • "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

    • "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

    • "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
    • FUNNY   
    • My Favourite Animal
    • Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

    • She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

    • My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

    • I do, too. Especially Chicken, Lamb and Fish.

    • Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    • The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why. I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

    • She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    • Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    • I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

    • Guess where I am now..........



    • Hiring Asses!
    • Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

    • He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

    • So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

    • Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

    • The king was polite and considerate, he replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

    • So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

    • Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    • The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

    • So the king hired the donkey.

    • And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions..........
    • FUNNY   
    • Word Play
    • The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

    • 1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    • 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    • 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

    • 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    • 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    • 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    • 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

    • 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

    • 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    • 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    • 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

    • 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    • 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    • 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom a three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

    • 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    • And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
    • FUNNY   
    • Majboori?!?
    • Ek Sharaabi Sadak Ke Kinaare Bahut Jyaada Peene Ke Kaaran Lagbhag Besudh Saa Pada Huaa Thaa.

    • Ek Bhale Aadmi Ne Uske Paas Aakar Poochha: Aakhir Itni Jyaada Peene Ki Kya Jaroorat Thee ?

    • Sharabi: Majboori Thee. Peene Ke Alaawaa Aur Koi Chaaraa Hee Nahi Thaa.. !

    • Bhala Aadmi: Aaakhir Aisi Kya Majboori Ho Gayi Thi???

    • Sharaabi: Bottle Ka Dhakkan Gum Gayaa Thaa!!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Forgive Your Enemies
    • The preacher's Sunday sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies.'

    • He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.

    • He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

    • "Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    • "I don't have any."

    • "Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    • "Ninety-three," she replied.

    • "Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

    • The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"



    • Smart Wife
    • Scene: A husband and wife watching an a Cricket match.

    • After 5 minutes:
    • Wife: Is this Imran Tahir ??

    • Husband: No, this is Hashim Amla, Imran Tahir is a bowler.

    • Wife: Okay, oh look, another wicket.

    • Husband: No, this is just a replay of the last one.

    • Wife: Hmm, looks like Austraila is going to win this one.

    • Husband: It's India v/s South Africa!!

    • Wife: How many runs they need to win now ??

    • Husband: 72 runs in 36 balls.

    • Wife: Just 72??? That's too easy, only 2 runs in 1 ball...

    • Husband angrily turns off the TV.

    • Wife Turns it on again and starts watching her favourite daily soap.

    • Husband: Who is she ??

    • Wife: Don't disturb me......
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Blind Clerk
    • A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

    • She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    • He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

    • She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

    • He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

    • She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

    • He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    • He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

    • She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

    • He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Complete & Finished!
    • Can any one say the difference between complete and finished?

    • No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

    • However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.

    • Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

    • His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
    • If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.'

    • And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

    • His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
    • FUNNY   
    • Smart Police Officer
    • A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    • So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    • The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

    • The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

    • Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

    • Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    • Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    • Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    • "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

    • "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

    • "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    • "Aggressive and hostile?"

    • "Yes, Sir.

    • "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

    • "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

    • How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.



    • Wrong Sign Board!
    • Ek Ghane Jungle Se Gujarti Hui Sadak Ke Kinaare Ek Gyani Guru Apne Chele Ke Saath Ek Signboard Lagaa Kar Baithe Huye The, Jis Par Likha Thaa:
    • Thahariye... Aapka Ant Nikat Hai ! Is Se Pehle Ki Bahut Der Ho Jaaye, Rukiye !!! Hum Aapka Jeevan Bacha Sakte Hain !

    • Ek Car Badi Tezi Se Wahaan Se Gujri. Chele Ne Driver Ko Board Padhne Ke Liye Ishaara Kiya.

    • Car Driver Ne Board Kee Taraf Dekhkar Aur Gaali Dee Aur Chele Se Yah Kahte Hue Nikal Gaya: Tum Log Yahan Jungle Mein Bhi Dhandha Kar Rahe Ho. Sharam Aani Chaahiye Tumko!

    • Chele Ne Badi Asahaye Nazron Se Guruji Ki Taraf Dekhta Hai.

    • Guruji Bole: Jaise Prabhu Ki Ichchha !

    • Kuchh Hi Der Mein Brakes Ke Cheekhne Kee Aawaaz Aayi Aur Jordaar Dhamaaka Hua.

    • Thodi Der Baad Ek Mini Truck Wahaan Se Gujra. Uska Driver Bhi Chele Ko Dutkarte Hue Aage Chalaa Gaya.

    • Kuchh Samay Ke Baad Phir Brakes Ke Cheekhne Kee Aawaaz Aur Fir Dhadaam !

    • Guruji Phir Bole: Jaisi Prabhu Kee Ichchha !

    • Ab Chele Se Nahi Rahaa Gaya Aur Bola: Guruji Prabhu Ki Ichchha Toh Theek Hai Par Kaisa Rahe Yadi Ham Is Board Par Seedhe-Seedhe Likh Dein Ki:
    • AAGE PULIYA TOOTI HUI HAI !!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Bull's Education
    • A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor to plow with.

    • The farmer tells him, "I don't need a tractor, I have three new ones at the barn."

    • "Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing this field with that bull, asked the salesman ?"

    • The farmer replied, "This is part of the bull's continuing education. I am teaching him that there is more to farming than messing with cows and tearing down fences.
    • FUNNY   
    • Trying on Shoes
    • A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

    • "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk.

    • "Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde.

    • The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde's feet.

    • "Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk.

    • "Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," the blonde replies.
    • BLONDES   
    • Lajawab Santa
    • Santa: Oye Banta, Ye Tere Haath-Pair Kaise Toot Gaye?
    • Banta: Ab Kya Bataun Yaar, Vo Joh Mere Pados Mein Chinese Rehta Hai Na...
    • Santa: Vahi Jiski Pichle Saal Shaadi Hui Thi?
    • Banta: Haan Yaar Vahi. Kal Uski Biwi Mar Gayi.
    • Santa: Toh!!!???
    • Banta: Toh Kya? Vo Ro Raha Tha Toh Maine Kaha Ki Bhai Dukhi Mat Ho, Ye Ek Saal Toh Toh Chali Varna Chinese Maal Toh 5-6 Mahine Se Jyada Kahan Chalta Hai???

    • Bengali: My grandfather lived for 96 years & he never used glasses.
    • Santa: Yes, I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle.

    • Doctor To Santa: Aapki Ek Kidney Fail Ho Gayi Hai...
    • Santa Pehle Toh Bahut Roya... Phir Aansu Ponchte Hue Pucha: Kitne Number Se ???

    • Santai: Khaana Kya Bana Rahi Ho?
    • Santa: Aaj Butter Chicken, Chicken Biryani, Butter Naan Aur Saath main Tumhare Liye Chilled Beer Bhi Hai....
    • Santa: Khaana Bana Rahi Ho Ya Chutiya?






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