latest fun jokes in english




  • Merry Christmas!
  • According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

  • Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

  • Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

  • We should've known...
  • ONLY women would be able to drag a fat old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • FUNNY   
  • Naughty Wives
  • Wife is angry as hubby stands too close to a beautiful girl in bus, a few seconds later the girl slaps him for pinching.
  • Hubby to wife: I swear I didn't.
  • Wife: I know, I did it...

  • Doctor to injured patient: Jab Car Ek Lady Vhalaa Rahi Thi Toh Tumhein Road Se Dur Hat Jaana Chahiye Tha.
  • Patient: Kaun Sa Road? Main Toh Garden Mein Letaa Huaa Tha.

  • Husbund & Wife Ek Hi Plate Mein Pani Puri Kha Rahe The, 1 Dusre Ki Aankhon Mein Aankhe Daal Ke.
  • Wife, Pyar Se: Aaise Kya Dekh Rahe Ho?
  • Husband: Thoda Aaram Se kha.... Meri Baari Hi Nahi Aa Rahi !!!

  • Husband to Wife: Tum Sabke Saamne AG, OG, Suno G Kah Kar Kyun Boltee Ho? Wife: Hum Indian Wives Sanskaron Waali Hoti Hain, Kabhi Sabke Saamne Apne Pati Ko 'Abe Gadhe' Ya 'Oye Gadhe' Ya Sun O Gadhe' Nahin Bol Sakti. Isliye Short Mein AG, OG, Sun O G Kehti Hain.

  • A wife wrote this specially for her husband:
  • Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein, Ye Khayal Aata Hai....
  • Kabhi Kabhi Mere Dil Mein, Ye Khayal Aata Hai....
  • Jab Tu Raat Ko 11.00 Baje So Jaata Hai, Toh Next Day Morning Tera Whatsapp Last Seen at 2.30 AM Kyuin Dikhata Hai???
  • HINGLISH   
  • Courtroom Humor
  • Excerpts taken from court proceedings that's really silly and funny too. These are actually things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

  • Q : What gear were you in, at the moment of impact?
  • A : Gucci sweats and Reebok!

  • Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it effect your memory at all?
  • A : Yes.
  • Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory?
  • A : I forget!
  • Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten???

  • Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
  • A : Thirty-three or thirty-six, I can't remember which.
  • Q : How long has he lived with you?
  • A : Forty-three years.

  • Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
  • A : He said, "Where am I, Christy?"
  • Q : And why did that upset you?
  • A : My name is Evon!

  • Q : Now Doctor, isn't it true when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  • A : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

  • Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

  • Q : Were you present when your picture was taken?

  • Q : So, the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th?
  • A : Yes.
  • Q : And what were you doing at that time?

  • Q : She had three children right?
  • A : Yes.
  • Q : How many were boys?
  • A : None.
  • Q : Were there any girls?
  • LAWYERS   
  • Love Marriage!
  • Ek Din Khuda Ne Mujhse Kaha: Mat Kar Intezar Uska, Is Janam Mein Uska Milna Mushkil Hai.

  • Maine Bhi Keh Diya: Lene De Maza Intezar Ka, Agle Janam Mein Toh Mumkin Hai.

  • Phir Khuda Ne Kaha: Mat Kar Itna Pyar Bahut Pachhtayega.
  • Muskura Ke Maine Kaha: Dekhte Hain Tu Kitna Mujhe Tadpayega.

  • Phir Khuda Ne Kaha: Bhool Ja Usko, Chal Tujhe Jannat Ki Apsra Se Milata Hun.
  • Maine Kaha: Aa Neeche Dekh Mere Pyar Ka Muskurata Chehra, Tujhe Jannat Ki Apsra Bhulvata Hun.

  • Gusse Mein Khuda Ne Kaha: Mat Bhool Apni Aukaat Tu Toh Ek INsaan Hai.
  • Hans Kar Maine Bhi Challenge Phenk Diya: Toh Mila De Mujhe Mere Pyar Se Aur Saabit Kar Ki Tu Hi Bhagwan Hai.

  • Phir Khuda Ne Gusse Mein Us Se Meri Shaadi Hi Karwa Di.......

  • Pyaar Ka Saara Bhoot Utar Gaya.... Sari Shayari Hi Bhula Di... Aaj Tak Pachtaa Raha Hun Ki Kyun Maine Khuda Se Panga Liya..


  • If You Marry An Irish Girl
  • Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties.

  • The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

  • The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the table.

  • The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Never Forget The Gift!
  • The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

  • The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

  • "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

  • "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

  • "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Jija Aur Saali...
  • Jija Aur Saali Sunsaan Jungle Se Ja Rahe The.

  • Sali: Jija ji Kahin Aap Is Mauke Ka Phayda Utha Ke Mere Saath Zabardasti Toh Nahin Karoge Na?

  • Jija: Dikhta Nahi Ki Mere Ek Haath Mein Bakri Aur Danda Hai, Aur Doosre Haath Mein Murga, Rassi Aur balti Hai. Main Kaise Kuch Kar Sakta Hoon.

  • Sali: Kyon Nahi Kar Sakte, Agar Aap Danda Gaad Ke Rassi Say Bakri Ko Baandh Do Aur Balti Ko Ulta Karke Murge Ke Upar Rakh Do Toh Aap Sab Kuch Kar Sakte Ho, Mujhe Toh Sach Mein Aapse Bahut Darr Lag Raha Hhai.........
  • HINGLISH   
  • Where's My Car????
  • A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

  • The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

  • "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.

  • "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.

  • "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.

  • "Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"
  • =============================



  • Husband & Wife Short Jokes

    • Husband: Darling!!! Tumhara Naam Haath Pe Likhu Ya Dil Pe??
    • Wife: Idhar Udhar Kyun Likhte Ho ? Agar Sachcha Pyar Karte Ho Toh Seedha Apne Property Ke Papers Pe Likho !!!
    • Moral: Biwi Ke Saamne Style Nahin Maarnr Ka.

    • Prabhu... Yeh Kya Moh-Maya Hai?
    • Apna Bachcha Roye, Toh Dil Mein Drd Hota Hai Aur Doosre Ka Roye, Toh Sir Mein!
    • Apni Biwi Roye, Toh Sir Mein Dard Hota Hai Aur Doosre Ki Roye, Toh Dil Mein....
    • Sab Prabhu Ki Maya Hai.

    • A Man Praying in Kumbh Mela:
    • Hey Prabhu, Nyaye Karo...
    • Hey Prabhu, Nyaye Karo...
    • Hamesha Bhai-Bhai Bichhadte Hain Is Kumbh Ke Mele Mein...
    • Kabhi Pati-Patni Pe Bhi Try Karo!!!!

    • Wife: Jaanu, Kaash Aap Message Hote, Main Aapko Save Karti Aur Jab Dil Chahta Ta Padh Leti.
    • Husband: Kanjoos Hee Rahiyo, Save Hee Karke Rakhiyo, Apni Kisi Saheli Ko Forward Na Kariyo!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Suing Big Companies
    • Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

    • "Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

    • "And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

    • "Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"

    • "Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
    • BAR   
    • Lottery Ticket
    • Ek Baar Banta Mandir Gaya Aur Haath Jodkar Bahgwaan Se Prarthana Karta Hai: Hey Prabhu ! Aaj Maine Lottery Daali Hai, Meri Aapse Dua Hai Ki Please Meri Lottery Aaj Nikalni Chahiye.

    • Ye Kahkar Banta Apne Kaam Par Chala Jaata Hai. Raaste Mein Uski Jeb Kat Jaati Hai. Woh Gusse Mein Vaapis Mandir Aata Hai Aur Bhagwaan Ke Saamne Khade Hokar Kahta Hai:

    • Hey Bhagwaan, Koi Bhi Action Lene Se Pehle Puri Baat Toh Sun Liya Karo.
    • HINGLISH   
    • The New Signature
    • Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

    • He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show) you get the idea.

    • One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

    • "So vat's the problem? Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

    • Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing, he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2.

    • Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble, he said, "but my wife said that since I'm now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"


    • Kids vs Teachers
    • Ek Student Ko Apni Life Me Khud Par Sabse Zyada Proud Kab Hota Hai ?
    • Jab Usko Exam Mein Kuch Na Aata Ho, Aur Pichhe Se Teacher Aake Kahe: Copy Chhupa Lo, Pichhe Wala Dekh Raha Hai...
    • Kasam Se, Seena Kushi Se Chauda Ho Jaata Hai...

    • A School Inspection Inspector: Ek bade Ccientist Ka Naam Batao?
    • Student: Alia Bhatt..!!
    • Inspector: Aap Ye Sikhate Ho School Mein?
    • Teacher: Ye Totla Hai Sir... Ye Bol Raha Hai... ARYABHATT

    • Pappu Kayi Dino Se School Nahi Ja Raha Tha.
    • Toh Kaafi Dino Ke Baad School Jane Per Teacher Pappu Se Puchti Hai: Itne Din Se Kahaan The?
    • Pappu: Bird Flu Ho Gaya Tha.
    • Teacher: Par Yeh Toh Birds Mein Hota Hai.
    • Pappu (Gusse Me): Insaan Hi Kaha Rehne Diya Apne, Roj To Murga Bana Dete Ho...

    • Top Replies by Teachers if they don't know the answers:
    • 1) I think the question is wrong.
    • 2) I'll tell you tomorrow.
    • 3) Don't ask foolish questions!
    • 4) You'll study this in the next semester.
    • & the most famous one,
    • 5) Nice question, raise your hands who know the answer of this question ?
    • If no one raises... Then it is an assignment for you.

    • Teacher: Pappu, What's 5 - 5?
    • Pappu remains quiet.
    • Teacher tries again: Agar Tere Paas 5 Bhaturey Hain, Aur Maan Lo Ki Vo 5 Bhature Tum Se Le Loon Toh Tumhaare Paas Kya Bachega?
    • Pappu: Chholle.....!!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Not for Sale!!!
    • A picky lady customer at a Supermarket's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered.

    • "Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please", the picky lady says to the saleslady.

    • Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

    • "And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too."

    • Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

    • "And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

    • "Grapes,, says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale!!!"
    • FUNNY   
    • 9 Points to Ponder
    • Number 9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

    • Number 8. Life is sexually transmitted.

    • Number 7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    • Number 6. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes make him a sandwich.

    • Number 5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

    • Number 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

    • Number 3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    • Number 2. In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take antidepressants to make it normal.

    • Number 1. Life is like a jar of mirchi chutney. What you enjoy today might burn your ass tomorrow...

    • and as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long...!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Perfect Match!!!
    • A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

    • Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

    • "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

    • "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

    • "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

    • "Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."


    • Munna Bhai in Jail
    • In Jail...
    • Sanjay Dutt: Jailer Sahab, Mujhe Phir Se Baapu Dikh Rela Hai!
    • Jailer: Kidhar?
    • Sanjay Dutt: Wo Udhar, Dhoti Mein.
    • Jailer: Abe Asaram Baapu Hai Wo!!!

    • Akbar and one Gujju were best friends.
    • The Gujju went to a Masjid for the 1st time with Akbar.
    • Akbar enters the Masjid and says: Allah hu Akbar......
    • Gujjubhai Thodi Der Sochne Ke Baad: Allah, Hu Jignesss Patel.....

    • Biwi: Wo Saamne Sharabi Dekh Rahe Ho ?
    • Pati: Husband: Haan! Kyun, Tum Jaanti Ho Us Ko?
    • Biwi: Haan. 10 Saal Pehle Maine Use Shaadi ke Liye Inkaar Kiya Tha. Aur Woh Aaj Tak Pee Raha Hai.
    • PATI: Baap Re...... Itna Lamba celebration!!!

    • A couple went to an Art Gallery. Ther was a picture of a girl covered only by Leaves.
    • Husband was watching.
    • Wife: Ghar abhi chaloge, Ya Hawa Aane tak rukoge!!!

    • A man went to the marriage hall to reserve wedding date...
    • Office was closed and he read the following Notice outside the office:
    • "Office closed between 1 pm and 3 pm... you may use this time to think again."

    • When a woman loves you, you are a husband......
    • When many women love you, you are an actor......
    • When hundreds of women love you, you are an idol......
    • When thousands of women love you, you are a leader........
    • But When all the women in the city love you, then you are a Best Paanipuri wala.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Avoid Ice...
    • Beer and ice will give you hangovers.

    • Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.

    • Rum and& ice will ruin your liver.

    • Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.

    • Gin and& ice will ruin your brain.

    • Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth

    • Apparently ICE is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: LAY OFF THE ICE! Just drink it straight!!!

    • Copy and paste this immediately. You could save a life!!! AND, don't forget ice also sank the Titanic!
    • FUNNY   
    • Company Policy
    • Start with a cage containing five apes.

    • In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

    • Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

    • Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

    • After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.

    • And that's how company policy begins....
    • FUNNY   
    • Pappu at His Best
    • Principal: School Ka time 8 baje Ka Hai Aur Tum 9 Baje Aa Rahe Ho?
    • Pappu: Sir Aap Na Mera Intezar Na Kiya Karo, Apne Time Se School Shuru Kar diya Karo.

    • Santa: Oyee ! Tumne Apni Sagai Kyun Tod Di ??
    • Pappu: Papa, Uska Koi Boyfriend Nahin Tha.
    • Santa: To Phir Problem Kya Hai ?
    • Pappu: Jo Aaj Tak Kisi Ki Nahin Ho Saki Wo Meri kya Hogi.

    • Pappu Apni Gali Ke Ek Dukandar Se: Uncle Rang Gora Karne Waali Cream Hai???
    • Dukandar: Haan Hai.
    • Pappu: Toh Lagate Kyun Nahi, Main Roz Aapki Shakal Dekhkar Darr Jata Hun?

    • Pappu: Daadi Neend nahi Aa Rahi. Hum Kuc Baate Karein?
    • Daadi: Theek Hai.
    • Pappu: Daadi Kya Hum Hamesha 5 Hi Rahenge? Aap, Mom, Dad,Main aur Behen.
    • Daadi: Nahi Beta aapki shaadi Ho Jayegi Toh 6 Ho Jayenge.
    • Pappu: Fir Behen Chali Jayegi Shaadi Karke Toh Phir 5 Ho Jayenge.
    • Daadi: Beta Phir Aapka Beta Ho Jayega Toh 6 Ho Jayenge.
    • Pappu: Phir Aap Mar Jaaogi Toh Hum Wapas 5 Ho Jayenge.
    • Daadi: Kaminne, Kutte, Haramkhor... Soja Chup Chaap.



    • Best Sermon
    • After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole' boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
    • He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

    • The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

    • The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!

    • The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

    • The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."

    • And the Reverend said, "That was damn nice of you, Sir!"
    • RELIGION   
    • Convincing a Woman
    • If you can convince a female in less than 5 minutes then she is your mom.
    • If you can convince a female in 15 minutes then she is your sister.
    • If you can convince a female in 30 minutes then she is your daughter.
    • If you can convince a female in 1 hour then she is your girl friend.
    • If you can convince a female in 3 hour then she is your lover.
    • And ultimately....

    • If you can't or don't even get a chance to convince a female then she is your wife...!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Are you a Lawyer?
    • A man goes into a bar, he's really pissed off. He sits down and orders a beer.

    • "What's wrong?" The barman asks him.

    • "Lawyers are assholes!" he exclaims.

    • A huge redneck sitting next to him gets up, prods him on the shoulder and slurs, "Mister, ah take exception to that!"

    • Looking him up-and-down the man is confused. "Why? Are you a Lawyer?" he asks.

    • "Nope!" replies the redneck. "I'm an asshole!"
    • LAWYERS   
    • Bas Kar Khan
    • Ek Pathan Ke 3 Bachche Hue, Usne Unke Naam Rakhe:
    • 1) Hasrat Khan
    • 2) Harkat Khan
    • 3) Barkat Khan

    • 2 Saal Baad Uske Yahan Phir 3 Bachche Hue, Usne Is Baar Unke Naam Rakhe:
    • 1) Dariya Khan
    • 2) Samandar Khan
    • 3) Sailaab Khan

    • Next Time Phir Se 3 Bachche Hue Aur Is Baar Naam The:
    • 1) Himmat Khan
    • 2) Housla Khan
    • 3) Bardasht Khan

    • Har Baar Ki Tarah Jab Is Baar Bhi Uske Yahan 3 Bachche Hue Toh Is Baar Naam Biwi Ne Rakhe:
    • 1) Bas Kar Khan
    • 2) Sharam Kar Khan
    • 3) Reham Kar Khan.....

    • ==================================
    • The Coffin Maker
    • A man who makes coffin was on his way to deliver one of his coffins when his car broke down.

    • Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

    • Some policemen saw him & wanted to make some money off him so they challenged him, "Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going?"

    • The man said, "I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating!!!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Short but Hilarious
    • Boy: I Love You!
    • Girl: Agar Main Bhi Ttumse I Love You Kahun Toh??
    • Boy: Main Toh Khushi Se Marrr Jaaunga.
    • Girl: Jaa Pagle, Nahi Kehti... JEE Le Apni Zindagi...

    • Boy: Tum Ladki Ho Ke Sharaab Peeti Ho???
    • Awesome reply by girl: Toh Kya 2-4 Peg Ke Liye Gender Change Karwaun ???

    • Operation Ke Baad Patient Bola: Doctor Sahab! Kya Ab Main ROG MUKT Hun?
    • Samne Se Jawab Mila: Beta! Doctor Sahab Toh Dharti Par Rah Gaye, Main Toh CHITR GUPT Hun!!!

    • Police: Aapke Ghar Kee Talaashi Leni Hai !
    • Santa: Kyon ?
    • Police: Khabar Mili hai Ki Aapne Ek Khatarnaak Aatankwadi Ko apne Ghar Mein Rakhaa Hua Hai !
    • Santa: Khabar Toh Ekdum Pakki Hai Inspector Saab... Par Aajkal woh Maayke Gayi Hui Hai !!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Fake and Real Friends
    • FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
    • REAL FRIENDS: Is the reason you have no food.

    • FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
    • REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

    • FAKE FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
    • REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

    • FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
    • REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say 'I'M HOME!'

    • FAKE FRIENDS: Are for a while.
    • REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

    • FAKE FRIENDS: will talk bad to the person who talks bad about you.
    • REAL FRIENDS: Will knock the person out that talked bad about you.
    • FUNNY   
    • Husband & Wife Humour
    • Patni: Chalo Ek Khel Khelte Hain... Main Chhupti Hoon Aur Aap Mujhe Dhoondhna. Agar Aapne Dhoondh Liya Toh Main Aapke Saath Shopping Karne Chalungi.
    • Pati: Aur Agar Nahin Dhoondh Paya Toh ?
    • Patni: Aaisa Mat Kaho Jaanu...... Bas Darwaje Ke Peechhe Hee Chhupoongi ...!!!

    • Ek Aurat Apne Boyfriend Ke Saath Bazaar Mein Ghoom Rahi Thee Ki Tabhi Uska Pati Mila Gaya.
    • Pati Ne Boyfriend Ko Peetna Shuru kar Diya.
    • Aurat: Maaro Saaley Ko... Apni Biwi Ko Kabhi Ghumaane Le Jaata Nahi Aur Doosron Ki Biwion Ko Le Jaata Hai.
    • Tabhi Boyfriend Ko Josh Aa Gaya Aur Woh Pati Ko Peetne Shuru Kar Deta Hai.
    • Aurat: Maar Saale Ko !!! Khud Toh Kabhi Ghumaane Le Jaata Nahi Aur Doosron Ko Bhi Nahin Ghumaane Deta!!!

    • Husband: Tumhare Shaadi Se Pehle Kitne Boyfriend The??
    • Wife silent...
    • Husband Chilla Ke: Mein Iss Khamoshi Ka Kya Matlab Samjhun?
    • Wife: Haaye Rabba... Gin Toh Rahi Hun.... Chilla Kyun Rahe Ho...

    • Pati: Saab, Meri Patni Gum Ho Gayi Hai!!!
    • Postmaster: Oye, Andhaa Hai Kya ??? Ye Post Office Hai, Police Station Jaa Na.
    • Pati: Maaf Karna Bhai, Kyaa Karoon, Khushi Ke Maare Kuchh Samajh Nahi Aa Rahaa Ki Kidhar Jaauun 



    • 5 Idiots!!!
    • A King of a Kingdom called his Prime Minister and asked, like there are Brilliant people in his State will there be Idiots available?

    • Minister said there will be.

    • King then ordered his Minister to go around the State search and bring 5 of such Idiots and present to him in the Council.

    • Minister was awestruck since you can identify brilliant people by conducting some form of competition, but how to identify Idiots. However he goes around the State and after a month comes back with 2 such people. There after following is the conversation between King and Minister.

    • King: Dear Minister I think you are poor in counting, I asked for 5 people and you have brought only 2.

    • Minister: Your Highness please let me explain and then you will know yourself.

    • King: OK. Go ahead.

    • Minister: When I was going around the State I found this guy carrying a huge Gunny Bag on his head and travelling in a Bullock Cart. When I asked he said that if he keeps the bag in the Cart it will be overloaded and hurt the Bulls. I realised he is the 5th Idiot and brought him to you.

    • King: Excellent. Next.

    • Minister: I saw the other guy was taking his Buffalo to the roof top of his house for grazing where grass was found grown. I realised he is the 4th Idiot and brought him to you.

    • King: Fine. Next.

    • Minister: When there are so many problems in the functioning of this kingdom, leaving those entire aside I have been going around the State for a month wasting my time in searching for Idiots, hence I am the 3rd Idiot.

    • King: Laughs out loud. Next.

    • Minister: Instead of solving all the problems that are there in the Kingdom, you have been looking for Idiots in your State, hence you are the 2nd Idiot.

    • Hearing this entire Council was scared and there was pin drop silence.

    • King: Fine there is truth in your statement. Who is the 1st Idiot?

    • Minister: Your Highness when there are so much of work in the Office and Home to attend to, leaving all this aside person who is reading this Story to know who is the 1st Idiot in 'What's App' is the 1st Idiot.
    • FUNNY  74
    • Suicide... Suicide...
    • Ek Wife Ne Subah Uthte Hi Apne Pati Ko Pankhe Se Rassi Baandhte Dekha, Toh Ghabrakar Pucha: Arey, Yeh Aap Kya Kar Rahe Ho???

    • Husband Ne Dukhi Swar Mein Kaha: Mein Teri Roz Roz ki Naye Kapde Dilaane Ki Pharmaish Se Tang Aa Gaya Hun, Isliye Suicide Kar Raha Hun.

    • Ye Sunte Hi Wife Ne Zor Zor Se Rona Start Kar Diya, Aur Boli: Jaatey Jaatey Ek White Suit Toh Dilwa Do, Varna Terahvin Pe Kya Pehanungi????
    • HINGLISH  228
    • This Year's Best Lexphillies
    • Lexophile: (Lovers of Words) is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

    • A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

    • ... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

    • ... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    • ... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

    • ... The batteries were given out free of charge.

    • ... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

    • ... A will is a dead giveaway.

    • ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    • ... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    • ... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

    • ... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    • ... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    • ... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    • ... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    • ... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

    • ... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    • ... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

    • ... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    • ... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
    • FUNNY  12
    • Pati, Patni Aur Patient...
    • Patient: Doctor Sahab, Jaldi Kuch Karo, Mere Pairon Par Ek Aurat Ne Gaadi Chadha Di.

    • Doctor Ne Usko Achche Se Check Kiya, Aur Paaya Ki Bahut Hi Mamuli Si Chot Hai, Par Mareez Ghabraya Hua Hai!

    • Doctor Bola: Oh! Bhai Operation Karna Padega, Bahut Kharcha Aayega... Taiyaar Ho?

    • Mareez: Kuchh Bhi Karo, Jaldi Karo. Kameeni Ne Mara Hua Soch Kar Uthaya Bhi Nahin!!

    • Itne Mein Doctor Ki Biwi Ka Phone Aa Gaya.

    • Doctor: Hellooo...

    • Biwi: Hello Ko Maro Goli! Main Ek Musibat Mein Phas Gayi Hun, Jaldi Se Koi Raasta Batao.

    • Doctor: Kaisi Musibat???

    • Biwi: Maine Car Chalate Hue Ek Aadmi Ko Takkar Maar Di Aur Vo Shayad Mar Gaya Hai.

    • Doctor: Aadmi Ne Kapde Kaise Pehen Rakhe The?

    • Biwi: Hari T-shirt Aur Black Pant.

    • Doctor: Oh! To Us Ko Tumne Maara Hai? Police Khooni Ko Talaash Karti Hui Ghoom Rahi Hai.

    • Biwi: Toh Ab Mein Kya Karun?

    • Doctor: Karna Kya Hai... 4-6 Mahine Ke Liye Maikey Chali Jao, Jaldi.

    • Patni: Theek Hai Jaa Rahi Hoon.

    • Mareez: Doctor Ji, Karo Na Kuch!

    • Doctor: Bhai Kuch Nahin Hua Hai Tujhe... Yeh Piase Pakad Aur 4-5 Beer Le Aaa Jaldi Se... Dono Piyenge... Aur Haan, Please Ye Hari T-shirt Nikaal Ke Jaa.
    • =========================
    • Ponderism!
    • 1: Notice at Church
    • Do not leave your mobile, purses, wallets, hand-bags, girlfriends unattended; others may think it is an answer to their prayers.

    • 2: Who is a Psychiatrist?
    • Is a qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about yourself, to which your spouse also gives it to you for free & daily too!

    • 3: Scotch is a brilliant Invention.
    • One double and you start feeling single again.

    • 4: Global recession and financial crisis have become so critical and serious now-a-days that...
    • The majority of men have started loving their own wives!
    • FUNNY   
    • The Story of EYES!
    • Do you know the relation between two eyes...???
    • They never see each other... BUT

    • 1. They blink together.
    • 2. They move together.
    • 3. They cry together.
    • 4. They see together.
    • 5. They sleep together.
    • They share a very deep bonded relationship...

    • However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and another will not...

    • Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship...
    • FUNNY   
    • Essay on Duck
    • I like duck. Duck lives in water. I also drink water. My neighbour uncle drink alcohol. Alcohol is very bad. It was told by Gandhiji. He was a good person. He had one stick. Stick swim in water. Duck also swim in water.
    • Duck take bath in water. Me too take bath in water. I take bath only in 5 mins but duck take bath full day. That is why duck is so white...
    • I like duck so much because I love drinking milk... Milk is white in colour and blue is my favourite colour... Holi is festival of colours...

    • Moral of the story: WhatsApp is free. Send Anything !! People still read it...!

    • Coming soon... An essay on Fish.
    • FUNNY   
    • Knee Pain Remedy for Women!!!
    • Banta: Bhai Santa ! Tumhari Biwi Ka Ghutne Ka Dard Theek Hua Yaa Nahi ?

    • Santa: Haan Yaar Doctor Ko Dikhaate Hee Theek Ho Gaya !

    • Banta (Hairani se): Achchha ! Kaunsi Dawa Se ?

    • Santa: Dawa Vagaira Kuchh Nahi ! Bas Doctor Ne Bataya Ki Ye Budhaape Kee Nishaani Hai Aur Us Din Ke Baad Phir Usne Dard Kee Shikaayat Hee Nahi Ki !!!



    • Preparing for Guests
    • Wife: Mehmaan Aa Rahe Hain Aur Ghar Main Daal Ke Siva Kuchh Bhi Nahi.

    • Husband: Jab Woh Aaye Toh Kitchen Mein Ek Bartan Gira Dena, Aur Jab Main Puchchu Toh Kehna Ki KORMA Gir Gaya...
    • Phir Dusra Bartan Girana, Aur Kehna Biryani Gir Gayi... Phir Main Kahunga Chalo Daal Hi Le Aao...

    • Mehmano Ke Aane Ke Baad Bartan Girne Ki Awaaz Aayi.....

    • Husband: Kya Hua...???

    • Wife: Bhangra Paa Le Kanjraaa... Daal Hi Gir Gayi...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Drunken Driving
    • Santa Aur Banta Daaru Pee Ke ghar Jaa Rahe The.

    • Tabhi Santa Chillya: Oye Banta, Deewar... Abe Saamne Dekh Deewar Hai.... MArwayega Kya, Oye! Kar Kya Raha Hai Yaar???? Dekh Aagey Deewar Hai...

    • Dhadaaaaam! and They Hit The Wall.

    • The Next day in the hospital Santa asked Banta: Harami, Thukwa Diya Na. Kab Se Keh Raha Tha Deewar Hai, Deewar Hai, Deewar Hai... Saale Sun Hi Nahi Raha Tha. Tujhe Ek Baar Bhi Khayaal Nahin Aaya Ki Gharwale Intezaar Kar Rahe Honge? Gharwalon Aur Bbachchon Per Kya Beetegi? Aur Agar Hum Mar Jaate Toh Gharwalon Ka Kya Hota???? Bol Ab Daarubaaz... Bolta Kyun Nahi Hai Kutte, Sharaabi ???

    • Banta Karahte Hue: Oye Santa... Gaadi Mein Nahin Tu Chala Raha Tha... Sharaabi, Bevde...!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • My Mother Taught Me...
    • 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    • 2. My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    • 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

    • 4. My mother taught me LOGIC - "Because I said so, that's why."

    • 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC - "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    • 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    • 7. My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    • 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    • 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

    • 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    • 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER - "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    • 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    • 13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    • 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father."

    • 15. My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    • 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - "Just wait until we get home."

    • 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING - "You are going to get it when you get home."

    • 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE - "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

    • 19. My mother taught me ESP - "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    • 20. My mother taught me HUMOR - "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    • 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT - "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    • 22. My mother taught me GENETICS - "You're just like your father."

    • 23. My mother taught me ROOTS - "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    • 24. My mother taught me WISDOM - "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    • 25. My mother taught me JUSTICE - "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

    • How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
    • FUNNY   
    • Husband-Wife Funnies
    • Hubby Ke Birthday Par Wife Ne Pucha: Kya Gift Chahiye Tumhe???
    • Hubby: Tum Mujhe Pyar Karo, Izzat Karo Aur Mera Kehna Maano... Bas Yahi kaafi hai.
    • Wife, Kuch Der Soch Ke: Nahin, Main Toh Gift Hi Dungi.

    • Ek Marwadi Ne Shadi Mein Damad Ko CHESS Board Gift Diya.
    • Damad: Yeh Kya ?
    • Marwadi: Badi Tamanna Thi ki Beti Ko Shadi Mein HATHI, GHODE, UNTH, NAUKAR-CHAKAR Dun, Aaj Meri Iccha Puri Ho Gayi !!!

    • Why do most indian women request 4 the same husband in the next life???
    • Arre... Itni Mehnat Se Trained Kiya Hai... Waste Thodi Jaane Denge!

    • Wife: Aap Bangkok Jaate Ho Toh Mujhe Kyon Nahin LE Jaate???
    • Husband: Arrey Pagli, Jab Restaurant Mein Jaate Hain Toh Tiffin Thode Na Le Ke Jaate Hain!!!!

    • Pati: Tum Hamesha Mera - Mera Karti Ho, Mera Beta, Mera Ghar, Meri Car. Tumhe 'Hamara' Kehna Chahiye.
    • Ab Almari Mein Kya Dhoond Rahi Ho...???

    • Wife: Hamara Petticoat...


    • Job Profile
    • Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could.

    • "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

    • "I'm the president," I replied.

    • There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."
    • FUNNY   
    • Feeling Depressed ???
    • If you ever feel depressed in your life... open your mailbox... When I open my mailbox, I find: 10 banks are giving me easy loans.

    • I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
    • 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
    • 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
    • Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall & greying.
    • 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.

    • And to top it all ...
    • Approx 70-80 mails from Priya, Payal, & Neha who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.

    • What else you need from life ???
    • FUNNY   
    • A Twist in the Tale
    • Girl: Hiiiiii.
    • Boy: Hi.
    • Girl: What happened?
    • Boy: Nothing.
    • Girl: No, say na what happened... You look soo sad.
    • Boy: I'll ask you something... and you have to tell me the truth... will you?
    • Girl: Ok, ask.
    • Boy: Who is Raj loafer? He liked all your profile pictures and even your status updates on FB. who is the dumb idiot?
    • Girl: Please don't say anything about him.
    • Boy: Is he your ex boyfriend? Are you still in love with him?
    • Girl: Why would I love him... You are my only love...
    • Boy: Then is he your brother?
    • Girl: No no... not like that...
    • Boy: Then who the hell is he?
    • Girl: Shall we talk something else?
    • Boy: So you are hiding something from me? You have that much close relationship with him... he's so much important to you, right?
    • Girl: If I disclose the secret you'll definitely scold me.
    • Boy: I'm getting irritated now... don't test my patience.
    • Girl: Please Yaar...
    • Boy: If You don't tell me I'll break our relationship roght now.
    • Girl: Ok, I'll tell you... but promise me that you won't scold me, ok??
    • Boy: Oh, ok...







    • Girl: Hmmm... That is my fake profile... if no one likes my dp I like my pictures through that id and also post comments like cute, nice, hot, sexy, etc.... etc!!!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Stealing a Bus
    • Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.

    • Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"

    • He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.

    • Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"

    • "I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.

    • "You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."


    • Divert Your Course
    • Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

    • Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    • Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    • Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    • Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    • Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    • Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
    • MILITARY   
    • World's Best Wife
    • The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh.

    • A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.

    • The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.

    • He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.

    • When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.

    • She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The chicken PJs
    • Who's the father of the chicken?
    • Chiken Ka-bab.

    • Who's the mother of the chicken ?
    • Chicken Ki-ma.

    • How do you tell a chicken to call you on your mobile?
    • Kal-mi Kabab.

    • What happens when a chicken takes a bath ?
    • Chicken Shower-ma.
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • Tim and Sam
    • Tim: I hear you just got married again.

    • Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.

    • Tim: What happened to your first three wives?

    • Sam: They all died.

    • Tim: How did that happen?

    • Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

    • Tim: How terrible! And your second?

    • Sam: She too ate poison mushrooms.

    • Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

    • Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

    • Tim: I see, an accident. 

    • Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.


    • Marriage Humor
    • A very effective Dhamki by wife in new style:
    • Tum Jitna Time Facebook, Whatsapp, Twitter Ko Doge... Mein Utna Time Flipkart, Amazon, Snapdeal, Jabong, ebay ko dungi !!!

    • Santa: Yaar! Main Jo Bhi Kaam Shuru Karta Hoon, Meri Biwi Beech Mein Aa Jaati Hai.
    • Banta: Tu Truck Chala Kar Dekh, Shayad Kismat Saath De De.

    • A Philosopher HUSBAND said: Every WIFE is a 'Mistress' of her Husband...
    • 'Miss' for first year & 'Stress' for rest of the life.

    • A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage.
    • She said: Sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot.

    • Listening to your Wife is like reading terms & conditions of a website. You understand nothing but still click on "I AGREE"

    • The sweetest msg:
    • Husband to wife: You should learn to embrace your mistakes... She hugged him tightly...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Important - Please Circulate
    • A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

    • This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink tea, coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yoghurt. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Banta in a Job Hunt
    • Banta Ek Job Ke Liye Interview Dene Gaya. Vaise Naukri Already Boss Ke Saale Ko Mil Chuki Thee Par Formality Ke Liye Interview Jaroori Tha Isliye Aise Sawaal Pucche Ja Rahe The Jinka Kol Matlab Nahin Tha. Apne Banta Ko Bulaya Gaya Interview Ke Liye.

    • Interviewer: Aap Nadi Ke Beech Mein Ek Boat Par Ho Aur Apke Paas 2 Cigarettes Ke Alawa Kuch Bhi Nahin Hai. Apko Ek Cigarette Jalana Hai, Kaise Jalaoge ???

    • Banta: Sir Iske 3-4 Solutions Ho Sakte Hain.

    • Interviewer Shocked Lekin Kahaan: Achcha!!! Theek Hai Batao!!!

    • Banta Ke Out Of The World Answers:
    • Take One Cigarette and Throw it in the Water. So the boat will become LIGHTER...... using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette.

    • Interviewer: Kya Bakwas Hai.

    • Banta's Another solution:
    • You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette.

    • Interviewer: Stupid!!!!

    • Banta: Sir one more Solution: Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop (TIP, TIP, TIP...)

    • Interviewer: Abey Bewakoof, Us Se Kya Hoga???

    • Banta: Sir Aapne Wo Gaana Nahin Suna 'TIP TIP Barsa Pani, Pani Ne Aag Lagayee', Us Aag Se Humne Cigarette Jalayee...

    • Banta: Sir If that was not enough, I have one more solution: Start praising one cigarette, the other will get jealous and 'Jalney Lagega'.

    • Interviewer Impressed... Saale Ko Maaro Goli, Naukri Banta Ko Hee De Dete Hain.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Lawyers Don't Lie
    • A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

    • When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

    • He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers can not and do not lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

    • He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"

    • He answered, "12 children."

    • The agent asked, "Where are the others ?"

    • The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."

    • And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

    • MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie ...they are creative ....


    • Wet Dreams!
    • Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.

    • "Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked.

    • "Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee'."

    • "OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, No, we've already peed."

    • Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So, did you do as I said?"

    • "Yes, I did."

    • "Did it help?"

    • "No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."

    • "How?"

    • "As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little.'"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Living With Two Sisters!
    • The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

    • "Mr Smith, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

    • "Don't bother," replies Mr Smith, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

    • "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

    • "I said 'two sisters,' I didn't say they were MY sisters!"
    • FUNNY   
    • The Frozen Fart
    • 3 Bachchey Apne Apne Shehar Ki Sardi Pe Bahas Kar Rahe The.

    • 1st: Humare Yahan Itni Sardi Parti Hai Ki Jab Hum Subah Nalka Kholte Hain Toh Pani Ki Jagah Baraf Nikalti Hai.

    • 2nd: Bus Itni Hi ??? Humare Yahan Toh Itni Sardi Parti Hai Ki Hum Jo Bhi Baat Kartey Hain Wo Jam Jaati Hai Phir Hum Use Aag Par Pighla Ke Sunte Hain.

    • 3rd: Bas Itni Si??? Kal Hamare Ghar Mehman Aaye, Un Ke Jaane Ke Baad Humein Sofe Pe Ek Baraf Ka Gola Para Hua Mila. Jub Hum Ne Usko Aag Pe Pighlaya Toh Awaaz Aayi... Poooooooon.....
    • HINGLISH   
    • New Wives
    • A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage.

    • The missionary soon rectified the situation by baptizing everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.

    • Later, the tribal chief told the missionary the tribe had never had so much fun. The missionary asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

    • "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling.

    • "We all got new wives...!"

    • Married Life
    • Pyaar + Kkhayal = Maa.

    • Pyaar + Dar = Papa.

    • Pyaar + Saath = Behan.

    • Pyaar + Ladai = Bhai.

    • Pyaar + Zindagi = Girlfriend.

    • Pyaar + Masti = Friends.
    • Pyaar+Khayal+Dar +Saath+Ladai+Zindagi+Masti =Wife.

    • Married life is so easy, It's just like a walk in the Park, but the problem is that the Park is 'Jurassic Park'... Lo karlo walk...!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Auto Refill
    • Banta walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.

    • "My first wish," Banta said, "is a bottle of whiskey that will never be empty."

    • And flash, there was the bottle. Banta opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Banta was very happy.

    • "What is your second wish," the dwarf asked?

    • Banta replied, "I want another bottle..."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Wines and Spirits Offers
    • I found a Leaflet in newspaper this morning which read:

    • ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC? CALL NOW. WE CAN HELP!!!'

    • My wife insisted I make a call. I Called up.

    • It was a liquor shop offer:
    • 'Buy 3 & Get 1 Free'

    • Mere toh khushi ke aansu nikal aaye.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Ladies Through the Years
    • Ladies of 1970s:
    • Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
    • Wife: Abhi laee ji.

    • Ladies of 1980s:
    • Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
    • Wife: Abhi laee.

    • Ladies of 1990s:
    • Husb: Ek cup Coffee!
    • Wife: Laa rahi hu.

    • Ladies of 2000:
    • Husb: Ek cup Coffee! 
    • Wife: Banake pee le.

    • Ladies of 2014:
    • Husb: Ek Cup Coffee!
    • Wife: Kya kaha?
    • Husb: Maine kaha, ek cup coffee bana du kya?



    • Bollywood Memes
    • Hilarious Bollywood Memes That Came Out Just Pun-tastic.

    • Hrithik buys a bulb,
    • Hrithik puts in a socket,
    • Hrithik swithes it on,
    • Hrithik Roshan.

    • Pankaj fell in love,
    • Pankaj married,
    • Pankaj divorced,
    • Pankaj Udhas.

    • Deepika was a girl,
    • Deepika fell down,
    • Deepikahad memory loss,
    • Deepika Padu-kaun?

    • Sameera went to a parlour,
    • Sameera did her hair,
    • Sameera did her makeup,
    • Sameera Reddy.

    • Mika went to a studio,
    • Mika went to recording room,
    • Mika took the mic,
    • Mika Singh.

    • Poonam puts chuna,
    • Poonam puts kathha,
    • Poonam puts gulkand,
    • Poonam puts supari,
    • Poonam Pandey.
    • FUNNY   
    • Marriage Jokes
    • Once A man asked God: Why all the girls are so cute & sweet, and all wifes are always angry?
    • God Answered: Girls are made by me... and you make them Wife...!!! Your Problem.. !!!

    • Hubby came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
    • Wife: Peeke aye ho kya?
    • Hubby: Nahi meri maa...
    • Wife: Phir suitcase khol ke kya type kar rahe ho???

    • There are two types of suicide (Fast & Slow):
    • Fast: Gale me rassi dalo and latak jao.
    • Slow: Gale me warmala dalo aur zindagi bhar latke raho.

    • Wife: Agar meri shaadi kisi 'Raakshas' se bhi ho jaati to mai itni Pareshaan nahi hoti jitni tumare saath hun.
    • Awesome reply: Husband: Arrey pagli, Blood Relation me shaadiyan kahan hoti hai... !!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Wife Ki Nazar Se Duniya Dekho
    • Aao Wife Ki Nazar Se Duniya Ko Dekho...

    • World Ka Sabse Perfect Aadmi - Uske Papa.

    • World Ki Sabse Pyari Aurat - Uski Mummy ji.

    • World Ki Sabse Akalmand Aurat - Woh Khud.

    • World Ka Sabse Dukhi Pati - Uska Bhai.

    • World Ki Sabse Badi Chudail - Uski Bhabhi.

    • World Ka Sabse Handsome Ladka - Uska Beta.

    • World Ka Sabse Kaamiyaab Aadmi - Uski Behan Ka Pati.

    • World Ki Sabse Badi Gawar Aurat - Uski Saas.

    • Aur Dunia Ka Sabse Kharab, Nikkamma, Selfish, Jhootha, Kanjus, Unromantic, Bekaar Aadmi...



    • YE BHI LIKHNA PADEGA KYA???
    • HINGLISH   
    • Slow Mom, Fast Mom!
    • Little Freddie's mother was in the hospital, and he was paying a visit to see his new brother. He wandered into an adjoining room which was occupied by a woman with a broken leg.

    • "Hello," he said. "How long have you been here?"

    • "Oh, about a month."

    • "Let me see your baby," he then asked.

    • "Why, I haven't a baby," the woman replied.

    • "Gee, you're slow," said Freddie. "My mama's been here just two days and she's got one."



    • Santa's RTI Query
    • Dear Sir,
    • I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

    • 1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

    • 2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is 21 years and the legal age for him to start drinking is 25 years... then how do you suggest he survives the first 4 years of marriage???
    • Any information will be appreciated.
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Husband in a Good Mood
    • Husband in a good mood:

    • Darling, remember 25 years ago.... I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white tv and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yrs old beautiful girl.

    • Now I own a luxurious bungalow with, 4 LED TVs, a Limousine and a Porsche, servants... but I sleep with a 50 yrs old woman.

    • Wife: Dont worry... Just find yourself a 25 yrs old beautiful woman... and I will make sure that you go back to your 1 room rented apartment, table fan, black & white TV and a cycle.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Dharam Patni
    • Dharam Pita... not real father.

    • Dharam Maa... not real mother.

    • Dharam Putra... not real son.

    • Dharam Bhai...... not real brother.

    • Dharam Behan... not real sister.

    • But how this zabardast mistake happened? Dharam PATNI... means REAL WIFE.

    • Pata Karo Shashtro Main Kahan Galti Huyi... !!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Speeding Ticket!!!
    • A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

    • Officer: You were speeding.

    • Man: No, I wasn't.

    • Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.

    • Man: But I wasn't speeding.

    • Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)

    • Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you an idiot?

    • Officer: Yes, you would.

    • Man: What if I just thought that you were?

    • Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.

    • Man: Fine, I think you're an idiot!


    • Sunnny Leone in a Sabzi Market
    • Sunny Leone: Mujhe Koi aisi Sabzi Do Jiske 7 Phaayde Hon !

    • Sabziwaala: Ye Lo Madam Gajar !!!

    • 1..: Pasand Aaye Toh Aloo Matar Ke Saath Paka Lena... Warna...

    • 2. Juice Bana Ke Pe Sakti Ho... Nahi Toh...

    • 3. Salad Bana Sakti Ho... Ye Bhi Na Theek Lage Toh...

    • 4. Gaajar Ka Halwa Bana Lena... Nahi Toh...

    • 5. Chinese Noodles Mein Daal Lena... Aisa Bhi Nahi Toh Phir...

    • 6. Murabba Bana Sakte Ho... Aur Agar Ye Bhi Na Pasand Aaye Toh...

    • 7. Achaar Bana Lena !!!

    • Bhai !!! Jo Tu Dhoond Raha Hai Woh Yahan Nahin Milga...
    • HINGLISH   
    • The After-Effects of Marriage
    • A lion was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood a distance and wished then lion.

    • A mouse came and climbed to the stage and extended his hand to wish the lion.

    • The lion roared in rage and said, "How dare you come up the stage? Even the tiger is maintaining distance and you climbed the stage."

    • The mouse replied and after listening to that the lion fainted. What would have the mouse said ??? Any guess???

    • The mouse said, "Oh shut up buddy, even I was lion before marriage."
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • Wristbands!!!
    • In Korea, when a patient is taken to hospital, a white wristband is placed on their left arm. These wristbands contain the patient's name and information. When a patient dies, a red wristband is placed on their right arm and they are taken to the morgue.

    • In one particular hospital in Korea, a young doctor was working the night shift. It was around 2 AM when he finished his last operation. He was on the 5th floor and pressed the button for the elevator. The doctor was tired after a long day and was looking forward to the end of his shift. At 2 AM, the hospital was very quiet. Most of the patients were asleep and many of the nurses had already gone home. He entered the elevator and there was just one other person there. He casually chatted with the woman while the elevator descended.

    • The elevator stopped at the basement and the door opened. They saw an old man dressed in a white gown standing there. The old man was about to get in when the doctor suddenly slammed the close button and punched the button for the 5th floor.

    • "Why did you do that?" asked the astonished woman.

    • "I've performed a lot of operations," replied the doctor. "I've seen a lot of people die. When a patient dies, they get a red wristband placed on their arm."

    • The woman was silent.

    • "You saw it, didn't you?" said the doctor.

    • "That old man... That old man had a red wristband on his arm."

    • "A red wristband....!!!!" said the woman as she raised her right arm. "You mean like this one ?"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Interoffice Memo
    • TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
    • FROM: Human Resources

    • It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

    • We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO...

    • TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    • INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?

    • TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
    • INSTEAD OF: No fuckin way!!

    • TRY SAYING: Really?
    • INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me.

    • TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
    • INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

    • TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
    • INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

    • TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
    • INSTEAD OF: It's not my frigging problem.

    • TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
    • INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!

    • TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
    • INSTEAD OF: Fuck it. It won't work.

    • TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
    • INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

    • TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
    • INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

    • TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
    • INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

    • TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
    • INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

    • TRY SAYING: So, you weren't happy with it?
    • INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

    • TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
    • INSTEAD OF: Fuck it! I'm on salary.

    • TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
    • INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass!

    • TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    • INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

    • TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
    • INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

    • TRY SAYING: I see.
    • INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

    • TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
    • INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!

    • TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
    • INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

    • TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
    • INSTEAD OF: He's a frigging prick.

    • TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go getter.
    • INSTEAD OF: She's a ball busting bitch.

    • TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    • INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the hell you're doing.
    • =============================
    • Looking for a Wife
    • Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.

    • One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

    • Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

    • His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

    • A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

    • With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

    • The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

    • Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Man's Best Friend
    • A real woman is a man's best friend.

    • She will never stand him up and never let him down.
    • She will reassure him when he feels insecure And comfort him after a bad day.
    • She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
    • to live without fear and forget regret.
    • She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
    • She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

    • No wait... SORRY.
    • I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind......
    • FUNNY   
    • Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
    • Top ten reasons why men prefer guns over women:

    • #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

    • #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

    • #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out.

    • #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

    • #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

    • #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

    • #4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

    • #3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

    • ........ And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women....

    • #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
    • FUNNY   
    • Words and Figure Mismatch
    • It was five in the evening, the bank is almost closed. All of a sudden, the BM received a phone call from a lady.

    • In a sweet voice she said: Sir, I urgently need Rs.50,000.

    • Her voice was so captivating that the BM could not say no. He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready and with reluctance he obeyed his boss.

    • After a while, a dark complexioned lady with ugliest of face came to the bank and presented the cheque. The BM was taken aback, as he was expecting a cute lady. He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day.

    • The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM if his intention was to not to pay why he was made to sit late.

    • BM: It's the Universal rule of the bankings that........
    • If words and figure differ, payment will be declined.


    • Quote and Counter-Quote
    • Woman's Quote of the Day:
    • Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with.

    • Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
    • Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
    • FUNNY  6
    • Toughest Time of my Life
    • I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

    • Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis......

    • I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
    • FUNNY  18
    • Seniors' Alphabets
    • A for arthritis, B for bad back,
    • C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac.

    • D is for dental decay and decline,
    • E is for eyesight - can't read that top line.

    • F is for fissures and fluid retention,
    • G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention.)

    • H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low,)
    • I for incisions with scars you can show.

    • J is for joints, that now fail to flex,
    • L for libido - what happened to sex?

    • Wait! I forgot about K!
    • K is for my knees that crack when they're bent, (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent.)

    • N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck,
    • O is for osteo and all bones that crack.

    • P for prescriptions, I have quite a few.
    • Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

    • Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
    • R is for reflux - one meal turns into two.

    • S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
    • T for tinnitus--! hear bells in my ears.

    • U is for urinary: difficulties with flow,
    • V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.

    • W is worry, now what's going 'round?
    • X is for X ray and what might be found.

    • Y for another year I've left behind,
    • Z is for zest that I still have my mind.

    • Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
    • And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!
    • FUNNY  48
    • You Don't Know Jack
    • The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.

    • In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    • Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

    • Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    • Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    • Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

    • The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.



    • Why Girls Are So Complex?
    • Girls are the Most Wonderful Creatures In the World....!!! Though You Find Them Difficult Enough because....

    • If You Kiss Her... You Are not a Gentleman..!!!
    • & If You Don't... You Are Not A Man!

    • If You Praise Her... She Thinks You Are Lying!!!
    • & If You Don't.. You Are Good For Nothing!

    • If You Agree To All Her Likes... You Are A Wimp !!!
    • & If You Don't.. You Are Not Understanding!

    • If You Visit Her Often... She Thinks You Are Boring !!!
    • & If You Don't.. She Accuses You Of Double-Crossing!

    • If You Are Well Dressed... She Says You Are A Playboy !!!
    • & If You Don't... You Are A Dull Boy!

    • If You Are Jealous... She Says Itz Bad!!!
    • & If You Don't... She Thinks You Don't Luv Her!

    • If You Attempt Doing Romance... She Says You Didn't Respect Her!!!
    • & If You Don't... She Thinks You Don't Like Her!

    • If You Are A Minute Late... She Complains It's Hard To Wait !!!
    • & If She Is Late... She Says that's A Girl's Way!

    • If You Visit Another Man... You're Not Putting In "Quality time" !!!
    • & If She Is Visited By Another Woman... "Oh It's Natural, We are Girls"!

    • If You Kiss Her Once In a While... She Professes You Are Cold!!!
    • & If You Kiss Her often... She Yells that You Are Taking Advantage!

    • If You Fail To Help Her In Crossing the Street... You Lack Ethics!!!
    • & If You Do... She Thinks It's Just One Of Men Tactics For Seduction!

    • If You Stare At Another Woman... She Accuses You Of Flirting!!!
    • & If She Is Stared By Other Men... She Says that they Are Just Admiring!

    • If You Talk... She Wants You To Listen!!!
    • & If You Listen... She Wants You To Talk!

    • In Short:
    • So Simple... Yet So Complex !!!
    • So Weak... Yet So Powerful !!! 
    • So Confusing... Yet So Desirable !!!
    • So Damning... Yet So Wonderful!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Twist in the Tale!
    • Once upon a time ..a small boy named Hameed living in a tiny primitive Moroccan village was bvery moron and all his classmates hate him for his stupidity especially his teacher Aisha who was always yelling on him"you are driving me crazy Hameed" ..one day his mother went to check out how is he doing and the teacher Aisha told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she never seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...the mother could not accept such a feed back and not only she took her son out from that school but she even shifted to another city.

    • 25 years later, that teacher got an incurable cardio disease and all the doctors have strongly advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform...effectively, left with no other choices she did the surgery and was successful ...when she opened her eyes ,she has seen a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she would loved to thank him but could not talk ,at his turn,he was stiring at her face which started turning to bleu, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...the doctor was shocked and hardly trying to understand what just happened till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that clinic who unplugged the oxygen device to connect his Vaccum.

    • Don't tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor. This is called a Twist in the Tale!
    • FUNNY   
    • Khuskhi Ka Ilaaj
    • Sardiyo Mein Skin Khushk Ho Jaye To Pani Mein Haldi Aur Zara Sa Milk Powder Daal Kar Ubal Lein.

    • Thanda Ho Jaye To 1/2 Cup Dahi Daal Ke Mixture Ko Dhoop Mein 4 Ghante Rakhen.

    • Baad Mein 1 Chammach Zzaitoon Ka Tail, 1 Desi Anda Aur 1 Chutki Zaafran Daal Kar Phaint Lein.

    • Zaroorat Ho To Garam Pani Daalein.

    • Jab Wo Sahi Se Paste Ban Jaye To Use Dustbin Mein Phenk Dein.

    • Aur Munh Pe Cold Cream Laga Lein.

    • Jab Badiya Se Badiya Cold Cream Market Mein Maujud Hai To Bina Wajah Time Waste Karne Kee Kya Zaroorat Hai.

    • Gaur Se Padhne Ka Shukriya.

    • Aur Galiyan Na Dein Mujhe.

    • Aage Forward Kar Dein.

    • Dil Ko Sukoon Milega!
    • HINGLISH   
    • The Dirty Magazine
    • An army major to wife, he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action.

    • "The punishment sounds a little harsh," she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters."

    • "No, honey," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"


    • Investment Ideas!
    • If you purchased Rs 1,00,000 of Delta Airlines stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 4,900 today. 

    • If you purchased Rs 1,00,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 3,300 today. 

    • If you purchased Rs 1,00,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 0.0 today. 

    • But, if you purchased Rs 1,00,000 worth of beer 1 year ago, drank all the beer, returned the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would have Rs. 21,400/- !!! 

    • Imagine, the above said returns is just an addition on top of all the entertainment you got by drinking beer (which is not accountable in terms of money). 

    • Think Smart! Cheers!
    • FUNNY   
    • Sidhi Baat No Bakwaas
    • 3 Idiots Part 2

    • Rancho: Smiling

    • Teacher: Aap Muskura Kyon Rahe Ho?

    • Rancho: Bahut Dino Se Facebook Mein Account Banane Ki Ichha Thi...Aaj Bana Diya Hai...Bahut Maza Aa Raha Hai!

    • Teacher: Zyada Maza Lene Ki Zarurat Nahi Hai. Tell Me, What is a Post?

    • Rancho: Anything that is posted on Facebook is a Post, Sir.

    • Teacher: Can you please elaborate?

    • Rancho: Sir...Jo Bhi Facebook Pe Log Daalte Hain Post Hai Sir. Ghumne Gaye...Photo Daal Diya! Post Hai Sir.
    • Match Dekha, Score Daal Diya! Post hai Sir.
    • Sir Actually Hum Posts Se Ghire Hue Hain Sir!
    • Katrina Ki Pic Se Ronaldo Ki Kick Tak! Sab Post Hai Sir! 
    • Ek Second Mein Comment, Ek Second Mein Like!
    • Comment-Like...
    • Comment-Like...

    • Teacher: Shut up! Account Banake Ye Karoge?
    • Comment-Like...Comment-Like...?

    • Haan Chatur, Tum Batao.

    • Chatur: Pictures, texts or videos posted through mobile or tablet or laptop or desktop via different operating systems using internet on Facebook is called a Post.

    • Teacher: Excellent!

    • Rancho: Par Sir Maine Bhi To Wahi Bola Seedhe Shabdo Mein.

    • Teacher: Seedhe Shabdo Mein Karna Hai To Orkut Ya Twitter Ke Pages Pe Account Banao.

    • Rancho: Par Sir Dusre Sites Bhi To.

    • Teacher: Get out!

    • Rancho: Why sir?

    • Teacher: Seedhe Shabdo Mein Bahar Jaiye.

    • Rancho goes out and comes back.

    • Teacher: Kya Hua?

    • Rancho: Kuch Bhool Geya Tha Sir.

    • Teacher: Kya?

    • Rancho: A utility button given to us, to protect our private data i.e. pictures, messages or personal information for being stolen or used for bad purpose by hackers or anyone else.

    • Teacher: Arre, Kehna Kya Chahte Ho?

    • Rancho: Logout Sir! Logout Karna Bhool Geya Tha.

    • Teacher: To Seedha Seedha Nahi Bol Sakte The?

    • Rancho: Thodi Der Pehle Try Kiya Tha Sir, Aapko Pasand Nahi Aaya!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Bus Tours!
    • A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland.

    • As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

    • She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

    • She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren't producing?"

    • A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
    • FUNNY   
    • The Wooden Ball...
    • An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    • The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    • When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

    • The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."



    • Who's Cheating???
    • A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.

    • The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"

    • The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.

    • Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"

    • Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"
    • MARRIAGE  65
    • Exactly like The MOON
    • One day a Professor was talking about marriage in the class.

    • Professor: What kind of Wife would you like Pappu?

    • Pappu: I would want a wife like the moon.

    • Professor: Wow !!! What a choice... So you want her to be Cool & Calm like the moon?

    • Pappu: No, no...

    • Professor: Oh, so you want her to be Round and white?

    • Pappu: No, no...

    • Professor: Oh, so you want her to be Fair and Beautiful like the moon?

    • Pappu: No, no... I want her to be Exactly like The MOON. Just Arrive at Night and Disappear in the Morning.

    • Professor fainted...
    • PAPPU  188
    • Job Application...
    • This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment. Not sure if they hired him...

    • NAME:
    • Armando Rodriguez...

    • DESIRED POSITION
    • Reclining. Ha ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    • DESIRED SALARY
    • $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    • EDUCATION
    • Yes.

    • LAST POSITION HELD
    • Reclining on my mom's couch.

    • SALARY
    • Less than I'm worth.

    • MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
    • My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    • REASON FOR LEAVING
    • It sucked.

    • HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
    • Any

    • PREFERRED HOURS
    • 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    • DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
    • Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    • MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
    • If I had one, would I be here?

    • DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
    • Of what?

    • DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
    • I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

    • HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
    • I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

    • DO YOU SMOKE?
    • Only when set on fire.

    • WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
    • Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    • DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
    • No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

    • SIGN HERE
    • Scorpio with Libra rising.
    • FUNNY  16
    • Stop Barking!
    • Pati Patni Ki Ladayi Ho Rahi Thi.

    • Pati Ne Patni Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

    • Biwi Ne Koi Jawab Nahi Diya.

    • Pati Ne Fir Se Puchha: Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

    • Biwi Fir Chupp Rahi.

    • Pati Ne Ek Baar Aur Puchha: Main Tumse Kuch Puch Raha Hun. Kya Tumne Mujhe Kutta Kaha???

    • Biwi: Nahi Kaha Aur Please Ab Bhaunkna Band Karo.


    • Sunday Edition...
    • This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will eventually become seniors.

    • "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

    • "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!!!"

    • There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.
    • FUNNY   
    • Army of the Lord!
    • A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

    • The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

    • My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."

    • The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

    • He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
    • RELIGION   
    • Welcome to the Family
    • A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.

    • Father-in-law: Young man, you're coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. That's a sign of disrespect!

    • Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

    • Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage?

    • Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.

    • Father-in-law: You club too?

    • Man: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.

    • Father-in-law: You've also been to prison before? Oh my God!

    • Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.

    • Father-in-law: What!!! You're a killer?

    • Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!

    • Father-in-law: Oh! Okay.... You know what? You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You're absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family
    • MARRIAGE   
    • In-flight Service !
    • On a long haul UK flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.

    • However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.

    • Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.

    • After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"

    • From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!!! That's what I call service..."




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