latest jokes english


  • A Gifted Portrait Artist
  • A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

  • One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

  • This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to $25,000.

  • Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned.

  • "It would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said, "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
  • FUNNY   
  • Patel Brothers
  • Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

  • Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

  • The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

  • Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

  • The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Jignessbhai, look who's trying to teach the Patel brothers about bijness!"
  • COMMUNITIES   
  • New Drugs for Men
  • With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

  • Here are a few of the new ones:
  • DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directionswhen they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

  • PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were farmore likely to actually finish a household repair project beforestarting a new one.

  • COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent ofmiddle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

  • BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported asudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and giftsafter taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whetherthe drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

  • NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect ofmaking men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

  • FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxiousintestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

  • FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise intreating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
  • FUNNY   
  • Smart Dad!
  • A girl was with her father when she saw her boyfriend coming.

  • Girl: Have you come to collect your book titled 'DADDY IS AT HOME?' by Ngozi Okafor?

  • Boy: No, I want that your hymns book called 'WHERE SHOULD I WAIT FOR YOU?'

  • Girl: I don't have that one but may be you should take the other one titled 'UNDER THE MANGO TREE' by Chimamanda Adichie.

  • Boy: Fine, but don't forget to bring 'I WILL CALL YOU IN 5 MINUTES' while coming to school.

  • Girlfriend: I will also bring you a new one too titled 'I WON'T LET YOU DOWN' by Chinua Achebe

  • Then, Farher: Those books are too many, will he read them all?

  • Girl: Yes dad, he is very smart & intelligent.



  • Farher: Okay don't forget to give him the one on the table titled 'I AM NOT STUPID, I UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN SAYING' by Shakespeare! And also the one on the dinning table titled 'IF YOU GET PREGNANT PREPARE TO GET MARRIED' by Wole Soyinka.


  • Guide Dogs for the Blind
  • There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

  • The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

  • The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

  • They walk over to the restaurant, the one with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

  • A man at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

  • The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

  • The man at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

  • He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

  • The man at the door says, "Come on in."

  • The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

  • The man at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

  • The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

  • The man at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

  • The guy with the Chihuahua says, "What!!??!! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
  • FUNNY  5
  • Sharabiyon Ke Muhavare
  • Muhavare Aur Unke Sharabic Arth:

  • Haath Paanv Phoolna: Samay Pe Daaru Ka Na Milna.

  • Oont Ke Moonh Mein Jeera - Daaru Kam Padna.

  • Kaleja Thanda Hona - Pehle Peg Ka Gale Se Neeche Utarna.

  • Munh Meetha Karna - Pehli Baar Kisi Ko Daaru Pilana.

  • Haath Saaf Karna - Party Mein Bottle Ko Dheere se Paar Kar Dena.

  • Neki Kar Dariya Mein Daal - Free Mein Yaaron-Doston Ko Pilana.

  • Aankh Phadakna - Nasha Utar Jaana.

  • Aankh Laal Karna - Ful Tunn Ho Jaana.

  • Andhe Ki Laathi - Koi Free Mein Pilaane Waala Mil Jaana.

  • Angaron Pe Pair Rakhna - Daaru Pee Ke Gar Jaana.

  • Til Ka Taad Banana - Daaru Peekar Updesh Dena.

  • Than-Than Gopal - Peene Ke Liye Paise Na Hona.

  • Dum Mein Dum Aana - Peene Ke Saath Chakna Ka Jugaad Ho Jaana.

  • Chaati Pe Saanp Lotna - Bina Jaankaari Ke Theke Ka Band Ho Jaana.

  • Kaam Tamaam Karna - Puri Bottle Khatam Karna.
  • HINGLISH  22
  • Best Vacation Package!
  • A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

  • He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

  • When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
  • Golf: $1.00
  • Dinner: $1.00
  • Room: $1.00.
  • Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

  • He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

  • "I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

  • "Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

  • "That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"
  • GOLF  3
  • Unfaithful Wife or Friend?
  • A co-worker told Santa that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with Santa's best friend.

  • Worried and hurt, Santa ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

  • He came back to the office contented and relieved.

  • His co-worker asked him how it went.

  • "Look," said Santa. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend... I don't even know him."


  • Doctor vs Mechanic
  • An engineer was removing the engine parts from a racing car when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop.

  • He went to him & said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back. So why do I get such a small salary? and you get huge sums???"

  • Classic reply by Doctor:
  • The doctor smiled at the engineer, came close to his ear and said, "Try the same when the engine is running."

  • The story doesn't end here.
  • The engineer smiled back, came close to doctor's ear and said, "I can pick any dead engine and make it alive... But can you ???"

  • Classic or EPIC???
  • DOCTORS   
  • Golf Clubs!!!
  • A golfer is walking down to his golf course, carrying his clubs, when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint.

  • He pulls out a wedge, creeps up behind the gunman and smashes it over the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.

  • "You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

  • The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Well, some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

  • Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls up.

  • We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: two of them don't have swimming pools."
  • GOLF   
  • Expensive Gift!!!
  • A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

  • "Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

  • "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

  • "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

  • "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

  • When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

  • The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

  • "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

  • The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

  • "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

  • Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
  • FUNNY   
  • Credit Card Charges
  • This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

  • A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

  • Here is the exchange:
  • Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.

  • Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.

  • Family Member: Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.

  • Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.

  • Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?

  • Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

  • Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?

  • Citibank: Excuse me?

  • Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?

  • Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.

  • Supervisor gets on the phone:
  • Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.

  • Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.

  • Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?

  • Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?

  • Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)

  • Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?

  • Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)

  • After they get the fax:
  • Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.

  • Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.

  • Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.

  • Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?

  • Citibank: That might help....

  • Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.

  • Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!

  • Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet





  • Mayday... Mayday!
  • An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

  • The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled: Mayday, Mayday!!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!!

  • The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

  • Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!!

  • He began his series of questions:
  • Tower: How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??
  • Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me.
  • Tower: Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??
  • Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me.
  • Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??
  • Aircraft: Because the crap in my pants is sliding out of my collar.
  • FUNNY   
  • Getting Drunk
  • Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

  • He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

  • His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

  • So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

  • Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

  • Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket." 

  • She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

  • "Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"
  • BAR   
  • Contempt of Court!
  • Ek Aadmi KoPatni Ke Saath Maarpeet Karne Ke Jurm Mein Adalat Mein Peh Kiya Gaya.

  • Judge Ne Pati Se Puri Baat Bade Dhyaan Se Suni Aur Future Mein Doabara Aisa Na Karne Ki Warning Dekar Chod Diya.

  • Agle Hi Din Aadmi Ne Patni Ko Phir Se Maara-Peeta. Usko Phir Se Adalat Mein Usi Judge Ke Saamne Pesh Kiya Gaya.

  • Judge Ne Gusse Se Pucha: Tumhaari Himmat Kaise Hui Apni Patni Ko Dobara Marne-Peetne Ki??? Adalat Ko Mazaak Samajhte Ho Kya?

  • Aadmi Ne Apni Safaai Mein Judge Ko Bataya: Nahi Sir, Aap Meri Puri Baat Sun Lijiye. Kal Jab Aaapne Mujhe Chod Diya Toh Meine Khud Ko Refresh Karne Ke Liye Thodi Si Sharaab Pi Li... Jab Us Se Koi Phark Nahin Pada Toh Thodi Si Aur Laga Li... Aur Deheere-Dheere Kar Ke Mein Saari Bottle Pi Gaya.
  • Peene Ke Baad Jab Mein Ghar Pahuncha Toh Patni Chillakar, Badi Badtameezi Se Boli: Nalayak.... Aa Gaya Naali Ka Ganda Pani Peekar???
  • Sir Ji, Mainne Chupchaap Sun Liya... Kuch Nahin Kaha.

  • Phir Vo Boli: Besharam, Kuch Kaam Dhandha Bhi Kiya Kar... Sirf Paise Barbaad Karne Ka Theka Le Rajha Hai Kya???
  • Huzoor, Maine Phir Kuch Nahin Kaha, Aur Chupchaap Apne Kamre Ki Taraf Jaane Laga...

  • Vo Peeche Se Phir Chillai: Agar Us Nikamme Aur Bewakoof Judge Mein Thodi Si Bhi Akal Hoti To Tu Aaj Jail Mein Hota...

  • Bas Huzoor, Adalat Aur Aapki Ye Tauheen Mujhse Bardash Nahin Kar Saka Aur....

  • Case Rafa Dafa.... Pati Baizzat Bari...
  • HINGLISH   
  • A Little Pain
  • The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.



  • Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e. the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

  • And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."

  • It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.


  • Internet Genesis
  • In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

  • And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

  • And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

  • And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

  • Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

  • To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

  • And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

  • And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

  • And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

  • "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

  • Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

  • It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

  • That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
  • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY   
  • Kiss or Pay!
  • Ek Ladki Apne Kamre Mein Badi Udaas Si Baithi Thi, Tabhi Uski Ek Friend Us Se Milne Aa Gayi.

  • Friend: Arey Yaar, Badi Udaas Si Lag Rahi Ho, Kya Baat Hai?

  • Ladki: Ab Kya Bataun Tujhe, Rehne De...

  • Friend: Please Bata Na, Share Karne Se Tera Man Halka Hoga...

  • Ladki: Kal Raat Mein Ek Party Mein Gayi Thi... Tabhi Se Man Kuch Ukhda-Ukhda Sa hai.

  • Friend: Aisa Kya Hua Party Mein, Kisi Ne Kuch Kaha Kya? Kisi Ne Tere Saath Badtameezi Ki Kya?

  • Ladki: Party Mein Humne Ek Game Khela, Jisme Har Ladki Ko Har Ladke Se Ek Question Puchna Tha, Aur Agar Kisi Ladke Ko Uska Answer Nahin Aata Ho Toh Vo Us Ladki Ko Ya Toh Kiss Karega Ya Phir 100 Rs Dega.

  • Friend: Ye Toh Bada Mazedaar Game Tha... Tumhe Kitne Kiss Mile??? Aur Vaise Ismein Udaas Hone Wali Kya Baat Hai???

  • Ladki: Kiss!!!?? Mere Paas 3000 Rs Ikatthe Ho Gaye...
  • HINGLISH   
  • Doctor's Wife
  • Ek Aadmi Ka Gala Baith Gaya. Kaafi Koshish Karne Ke Baad Bhi Araam Nahin Mila.

  • Raat Ko Takreeban 11-11.30 Baje Vo Apni Biwi Se DAbi Hui Awaaz Mein Dheere Se Bola: Kal Office Mein Ek Important Presentation Deni Hai Aur Aaj Mera Gala Baith Gaya... Kuch Samajh Mein Nahin Aa Raha, Kya Karun?

  • Biwi: Kab Se Kah Rahi Hun Ki Saamne Hi Doctor Saab Ka Ghar Hai, Wahan Chale Jao Aur Koi Dawa Le Lo Unse, Per Tum Sunte Hi Kahan Ho Meri....

  • Husband: Ab Itni Raat Ko Kisi Ke Ghar Jaate Hue Achcha Nahin Lagta.

  • Biwi: Ismein Achcha-Bura Kya, Tum Doctor Ke Ghar Dawa Hi Toh Lene Ja Rahe Ho... Aur Doctors Ka Yahi Farz Hota Hai Ki Vo Apne Mareez Ko Attend Kare, Chahe Din Ho Ya Raat.

  • Husband Bechara Ghabraate-Ghabraate Saamne Waale Apartment Mein Pahuncha Aur Darwaaza Knock Kiya.

  • Andar Se Awaaz Aayi: Kaun Hai?

  • Husband, Dabi Hui Si Awaaz Mein, Dheere Se (Gala Baitha Hua Hai Na): Mein Hun, Aapka Padosi. Doctor Sahab Hain??

  • Andar Se Awaaz Aayi: Nahin Hain, Aa Jao...!!!
  • FUNNY   
  • Message Templates
  • Agar Mobile INDIA Mein Bante Toh Usmein Message Templates Kuch Aise Hote...

  • 1. Kamine Call Kar.

  • 2. Cigarette Lete Hue Aana.

  • 3. Teri Bhabhi Ke Saat Hun.

  • 4. Yaar Kisi Ladki Ka Number Toh De.

  • 5. Kahan Hai Saale??

  • 6. Kal College Ya Bunk...??

  • 7. Dimaag Mat Chaat Yaar.

  • 8. Yaar Teri Bhabhi Naraz Ho Gayi, 2-3 Senti Msg Toh Bhej.

  • 9. Abhi Call Mat Karo Jaanu, Papa Jaag Rahe Hain.

  • 10. Baad Mein Baat Karti Hun, Mummy Saamne Hain.

  • 11. Ghumne Chal Rahi Ho Na??

  • 12. Jaldi Aa Sale, Meine Daru P K Gira Pada Hun.

  • 13. Mere Bare Mein Puchegi Toh Bol Dena Daru P K Soya Hai Yahan Tere Gum Mein.

  • And the most Important......
  • 12. Balance Nahin Hai... Call Kar Kutte...

  • My Sweet Son!!!
    • After watching a story of an Emperor on TV, a 6 years old kid: Mumym, Mujhe Bhi 5 wives Chahiye, Ek Jo Mere Liye Khana Banaye, Ek Mere Liye Padhai Karegi Aur Mera Homework Bhi, Ek Mere Saath Khelne Ke Liye, Ek Mujhe Gaane Sunane Ke Liye, Ek Mujhe Nehlaane Ke Liye...

    • Mum smiled and said: Theek Hai Beta, But Phir Raat Ko Mere Paas Mat Aana Sone Ke Liye, Unhi Ke Saath Sona.

    • After some thought, son said: Nahin Mom, this is not possible, Mein Toh Aapke Saath Hi Sounga Kisi Aur Ke Saath Nahi.

    • Moms eyes fill up with tears of happiness: Mera Raja Beta... My Sweet Son! Love You Beta. Phir Tumhari Biwiyon Ke Saath Kaun Soyega???

    • Son Said: Tum Tension Mat Lo Mom, Papa Hain Na, Vo So Jayenge Unke Saath.

    • Now Dad's eyes fill up with tears of happiness: My sweet son... Mera Raja Beta... Kitna Khyaal Haie Tujhe Apne Papa Ka.... Proud of you Beta!!!
    • HINGLISH  28
    • Interview of a Married Man
    • Interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones.

    • Reporter: So how is your married life?
    • Mr. Husband: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.

    • Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
    • Mr. Husband: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.

    • Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
    • Mr. Husband: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.......

    • Reporter: Hmmmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
    • Mr. Husband: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.

    • Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
    • Mr. Husband: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
    • We are made for each other.
    • We are mad for each other.
    • We are maid for each other.

    • Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
    • Mr. Husband: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.

    • Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
    • Mr. Husband: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 2285 - 1.

    • Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free? Mr. Husband: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as we start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.

    • Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
    • Mr. Husband: Yep, quite a few:
    • (A). Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
    • (B). Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
    • (C). Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
    • (D). And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
    • MARRIAGE  28
    • Green Balls!
    • A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks her what she wants.

    • "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

    • The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

    • As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

    • "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
    • GOLF  2
    • Till Death Do Us Part
    • When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated.

    • A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.

    • Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

    • She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe... Darling... Joe..." 

    • Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear...'Till Death Do Us Part'!"


    • Sheena murder case
    • A to Z story of the Sheena Bora murder case:

    • A & B (a couple in Guwahati) adopt C (a girl).

    • When C is a teenager, she is allegedly impregnated by X (who is believed to be a close family member).

    • C leaves the house and gives birth to Z (a baby girl).

    • C then gets married to D.

    • C & D give birth to E (a boy).

    • C then divorces D and gets married to F.

    • C & F give birth to G.

    • After a few years, C & F get divorced.

    • C then comes to Mumbai and marries H.

    • Z & G then comes to Mumbai and stays with C & H.

    • E stays back in Guwahati.

    • H has a son I from a previous marriage with J.

    • Z & I get into a relationship, which is not approved by C & H.

    • C & D get together and murder Z.

    • It is later alleged that X is actually A.

    • It is also alleged that Z refused to part with an enormous amount of money which was parked in her offshore account by C.

    • Enraged by this, C alongwith D plotted to murder Z.

    • Confused..??? You aren't alone, everyone else is equally or more confused.
    • FUNNY  26
    • I can't look that old!
    • Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old."
    • Well..... you'll love this one.

    • I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his BDS diploma on the wall , which bore his full name. suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

    • Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

    • After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St. Mary's high school.

    • "Yes, yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

    • "When did you graduate?" I asked.

    • He answered, "In 1984. Why do you ask?"

    • "You were in my class!!!!" I exclaimed.

    • He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch, asked, "What did you teach ???"
    • FUNNY  16
    • The Blue Politician
    • This was an incident which happened when Dr. Kalam was President of india.

    • Kalam sahab was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the Rashtrapati bhawan. He could not remove the pigeons from Rashtrapati bhawan. The whole Rashtrapati bhawan was full of pigeon poop, the people coming there could not walk on the pavements, or sit on the benches. It was costing a fortune to keep the building and pavements clean.

    • One day a man came to the Rashtrapati bhawan and offered the President a proposition.

    • "I can rid your beautiful Rashtrapati Bhawan of its plague of pigeons without any cost to you or government. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one Crore rupees to ask one question."

    • The President considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the terrace of Rashtrapati Bhawan, opened his suitcase, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Delhi sky.

    • All the pigeons in Delhi saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The Delhi pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.

    • The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Rashtrapati Bhawan.

    • The President was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid Delhi of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the President presented him with a cheque for 1 Crore rupees and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the Rashtrapati Bhawan of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 Crore just to get to ask one question.

    • The man accepted the money and told the President to ask his single question.

    • The President asked, "Do you have a blue Politician ?"
    • NEWS AND POLITICS  14
    • Santa Aur Pappu Humour
    • Santa Ke Hip Pe Chot Lag Gayi. Vo Doctor Ke Paas Jaa Kar Check Karwaata Hai.
    • Doctor Kehta Hai: Santa ji Taanke Lagaane Padenge.
    • Santa: Ok, Laga Do.
    • Doctor: Aapka Bill Hua Rs 5000.
    • Santa: Kya??? 5000???? O Doctor Saab, Aapne Taanke Hi Lagaye Hain Ya Kashmiri Kadhaai Ki Hai???

    • Pappu: Dada Ji Aap Kya Kar Rahe Ho..?
    • Dada ji: Kitaab Padh Raha Hoon....
    • Pappu: Kaun Si Kitaab...?
    • Dada ji: History Ki Kitaab...
    • Pappu: Zara Dehoon Toh, ............ Arey Yeh Toh Kamasutra Ki Kitaab Hai....
    • Dada ji: Haanh Bacchey.... Ab Mere Liye Yeh Sab History Hi Hua Na.......

    • Shaadi Ke 2 Saal Baad Jeeto Rote-Rote Apne Maayke Jaati AHi Aur Apni Maa Se Bolti Hai: Mein Ab Santa Ke Saath Nahin Rah Sakti, Woh Toh Daarubaaz Hai, Har Waqt Nashe Mein Rehta Hai!
    • Maa Ne Hairaani Se Pucha: Yeh Baat Tu Mujhe Ab Bata Rahi Hai, Shaadi Ke 2 Saal Baad???
    • Jeeto: Ab Tak Mujhe Bhi Kahaan Pata Tha!!! Vo Toh Kal Jab Wo Bina Piye Ghar Aa Gaya... Tab Pata Chala!

    • Crossed Cheque!
    • There was a good looking woman who used to come to the bank.

    • All the guys working in the bank were always amazed to see her.

    • All instructed the cashier to shout "Cheque Aaya Re, Cheque Aaya Re..." as soon as she enters the bank.

    • This happened a couple of times. At first, the woman felt a little weird but then guessed what was going on.

    • One day when she came, as usual the cashier shouted "Cheque Aaya Re...."

    • The woman calmly showed her 'Mangalsutra' and shouted: "Cheque Toh Aaya Re Koi Phayda Nahin... Kyunki Ye Crossed Cheque Hai!!!"
    • HINGLISH  12
    • On The House!!!
    • Ek Baar Santa Restaurant Mein Jaata Hai Aur Zor Se Bolta Hai: Mujhe Ek Bottle Champagne Chahiye Aur Baaki Sab Jo Yahan Baithe Hain Unko Bhi Champagne Do..... Kyunki Jab Mein Champagne Peeta Hun Toh Main Chahta Hun Ki Sab Champagne Hi Peeyein.

    • Sab Bade Hairaan Hote Hain But Saath Mein Khush Bhi The Kynki Free Ki Champagne Jo Mil Rahi Thi.

    • Drink Ke Baad Santa Phir Chaillaya: Mujhe Ek Tandoori Chicken Do Aur Baaki Sab Jo Yahan Baithe Hain Unko Bhi Tandoori Chicken Do..... Kyunki Main Chahta Hun Jo Main Kha Raha Hun Vo Sab Khaayein.

    • Sab Phir Se Bahut Khush Hote Hai, Taaliyaan Bajate Hain Aur, Seetiyaan Maarte Hain... Chicken Jo Aane Waala Tha....

    • Khaane Ke Baad Santa Phir Se Chaillaya: Mujhe Mera Bill Do Aur Yahan Baithe Baaki Logon Ko Bhi Unka Bill Do... Kyunki Mein Chahta Hun Jaise Main Apna Bill Pay Kar Raha Hun Vaise Hi Sab Apna Apna Bill Pay Karein...

    • He is still recovering in the ICU!!!
    • HINGLISH  55
    • Chocolate Chip Cookies
    • An old man was lying on his deathbed.

    • With only hours to live, he suddenly smelt chocolate chip cookies wafting up from the kitchen. Driven on by his favourite smell, he somehow managed to pull himself out of bed, across the floor to the stairs, and slowly down the stairs to the kitchen.

    • There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last bit of energy, mustering everything he had left, he reached for a cookie only to get his hand slapped.

    • "No," the wife snapped, "these are for the funeral!"
    • MARRIAGE  12
    • Pappu Ke Dada Aur Dadi
    • Pappu Ke Dada Aur Dadi Ne Apni Jawani Ke Dino Ko Taaza Karne Ka Socha. Kaafi Sochne Ke Baad Unhone Ye Decide Kiya Ki Vo Phir Se Darya Ke Kinaray Milenge, Jaise Puraane Dinon Mein Chori-Chupe Mila Karte The.

    • Dada Tayyar-Shayyar Ho Kar, Baal Bana Kar, Kapdon Mein Scent Laga Ke, Kaal Bada Waala Chashma Pehan Ke, Aur Haath Mein Gulab Lekar Darya Ke Kinarey Pahunch Gaya Aurr Taza Thandi Hawaon Mein Intezar Karn Lage...

    • Lekin Bahut Der Intezar Karne Ke Baad Bhi Unki Girlfriend Nahin Aayi...

    • Dada Ko Bahut Gussa Aaya. Jab Wo Wapas Ghar Pahunche Toh Dekha Ki Dadi Kursi Per Baithi Muskura Rahi Thi.

    • Dada, Gusse Se: Tum Aayi Kyun Nahi??? Dadi Sharmati Huye: Mummy Ne Ghar Se Bahar Jane Nahi Diya.


    • Too Old To Drive
    • My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

    • He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

    • "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

    • He asked "How do you know?"

    • "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him, yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
    • FUNNY  7
    • Free Bhindi
    • Manmohan Singhji Sabji Kharidne Gaye.
    • Manmohan Singhji: Bhai Sahab, Ye Bhindi Kya Bhaav Hai?
    • Sabjiwala: Ab Rulaoge Kya? Free Mein Le Jao, Pehli Baar Awaaz Suni Hai Apki...

    • Narendra Modi Sabji Kharidne Gaye.
    • Narendra Modi: Bhai, Ye Bhindi Kya Bhaav Hai?
    • Sabjiwala: Ab Rulaoge Kya??? Muft Mein Le Jao Sir ji, Jab Se Aap PM Bane Hain, Uske Baad Pehli Baar Aapko India Mein Dekha Hai!!!

    • Rahul Gandhi Sabji Kharidne Gaya.
    • Rahul Gandhi: Bhaiya, Ye Bhindi Kya Bhaav Hai?
    • Sabjiwala: Ab Rulaega Kya Pagle??? Muft Mein Le Ja Aur Ye Bhindi Nahin Matar Hain!!!

    • Do You Know Ye Sabjiwaala Kaun Tha?
    • Ab Tum Log Mil Ke Rulaoge Kya?
    • Arey Yaar Itna Sab Muft Mein Kejriwal Ke Ilawa Kaun De Sakta Hai???
    • HINGLISH  88
    • Scotch & Water
    • A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

    • The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

    • As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

    • The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

    • "Coming up," says the bartender.

    • As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

    • "Coming right up," the bartender says.

    • As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

    • The old woman replies, Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
    • BAR  8
    • Work Phone
    • The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss.

    • Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use home phone, I use my work phone.

    • Mum: Me too. I hardly use home phone. I use my companies phone.

    • Son: I use my office mobile, I never use the home phone.

    • All of them shocked and together looked at the maid who's patiently listening to them.

    • Maid: What? So we all use our work phones. What's the Big deal?


    • New HR Policy
    • Dress Code:
    • 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
    • 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
    • 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
    • 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    • Sick Leave:
    • We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    • Casual Leave:
    • Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    • Bathroom Breaks:
    • Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

    • Lunch Break:
    • Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
    • Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
    • Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

    • Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

    • The HR
    • FUNNY  28
    • Miracle, Shmiracle
    • Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people, when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

    • A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?

    • She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle... he gave me a longer cane."
    • SANTABANTA  16
    • Loyal Guards
    • Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building. During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

    • First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

    • Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

    • Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

    • Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

    • Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

    • Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
    • NEWS AND POLITICS  1
    • Bought vs. Homemade
    • Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

    • Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh... How did it go?"

    • "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

    • Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

    • "No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"



    • Pole Dancers!
    • A guy meets a childhood pal.

    • "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

    • "I'm a fireman."

    • "Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

    • "Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the base- ment so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

    • Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

    • Fireman asks, "Well, did your son become a fireman?"

    • "No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
    • FUNNY   
    • Where Have You Been???
    • A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

    • Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

    • Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Hot Secretary!
    • Boss Ne Ek Chulbuli, Nihayat Hi Khoobsurat Aur Hot Ladki Ko Apni Secretary Ke Kaam Pe Rakh Liya Lekin 10 Din Ke Baad Hi Boss Ne 11th Floor Se Jump Maar Ke Suicide Kar Liya.

    • Inspector: Kamre Mein Us Waqt Kaun Kaun Tha?

    • Secretary: Ji Sirf Mein Aur Boss The.

    • Inspecor: Aakhir Aisa Kya Ho Gaya Ho Tumhaare Boss Ko Suicide Karna Pad Gaya?

    • Secretary: Pata Nahin Sir, Vo Toh Bahut Hi Achche Insaan The. Ek Din Unhone Mujhe 2 Lakh Ka Necklace Gift Mein Diya. Phir Us Din Unhone Mujhe 10 Lakh Ki Diamond Ki Ring Gift Ki. Do Din Pehle Hi Unhone Mujhe Audi Khareed Ke Gift Ki...

    • Inspector: Phir ???

    • Secretary: Aaj Jab Mein Sir Ke Cabin Mein Aayi Toh Sir Pooch Rahe The Ki Kaisa Flat Logi, Kahan Pe Logi... Aur Tabhi Mere Papa Ka Phone Aaya... Maine Unse Sirf Itna Kaha Ki Papa Aap Yahan Hote Toh Dekhte Ki Mere Boss Kitne Achche Hain, Mujhe Kitna Pyaar Karte Hain, Kitna Chahte Hain Mujhe... Aap Toh Hamesha Yehi Kehte Rehte Ho Ki Pappu Beta Ladki Bankar Mat Ghuma Kar....

    • Inspector Sahab, Mein Apne Papa Se Baat Kar Rahi Thi Ki Pata Nahin Sir Ko Ekdum Se Kya Hua, Unhone Khidki Kholi Aur Kood Gaye....
    • HINGLISH   
    • Definitely Dead
    • A woman brought a very limp duck in to Dr. Santa, a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest.

    • After a moment or two, Santa shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    • The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    • "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied Dr. Santa.

    • "How can you be so sure?" she protested.

    • "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    • Dr. Santa rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at Santa with sad eyes and shook his head. Santa patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

    • A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    • Santa looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    • Dr. Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

    • "1500 Rs!" she cried, "1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    • Santa shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been Rs 250, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 1500."



    • Daru Aur Darubaaz
    • Ek Sharabi Ki Naukri Lag Gai.
    • Naukri Ke Order Mein Likha Tha Ki Company Ki Taraf Se Aapko Quarter Milega.
    • Apna Bhai Itna Bhola Thaa Ki Subah-Subah Joining Ke Time Khaali Glass Aur Namkeen Lekar Pahunch Gayaa !!!

    • Ek Din TV Par Sharabi Film Dekhte Huye Patni Boli: Amitabh Bachchan Kitna Achchha Actor Hai... Sharab Na Peekar Bhi Piye Huye Kee Kitni Achchhi Acting Karta Hai !
    • Yeh Sunkar Main Sochne Laga: Ab Is Pagli Ko Kaun Samjhaaye Ki Sharab Na Peekar Piye Huye Kkee Acting Karne Se Jyada Mushkil Hoti Hai Sharab Peekar Na Piye Huye Kee Scting Karna... !!!

    • Teen Dost Baithe Daaru Pee Rahe The.
    • Pehla Dost: Bhai, Motorcycle Se Leh-Ladakh Chalte Hain.
    • Dusra Dost: Haan Haan Bhai Chalte Hain, Bada Maza Ayega, Khoob Enjoy Karenge...
    • Teesra Dost: Per Yaar, Apne Paas Toh Cycle Bhi Nahin Hai... ???
    • Pehle Dono Dost: Kamine, Humein Pata Tha Ki Daaru Nahin Pee Raha Hai, Sirf Namkeen Kha Raha Hai...

    • Sharaabi Husband: Agar Mere Haath Mein SARKAR Hoti Toh Main Desh Ki Taqdeer Badal Deta!
    • Wife: Haramkhor, Bevde... Pehle PAYJAMA Toh Badal Le, Subah Se Meri SALVAAR Pehan Ke Ghoom Raha Hai!!!
    • HINGLISH  45
    • Is This My Lucky Day...
    • Pappu Apne Flat Mein Akela Rehta tha. Ek Shaam Vo Apni Car Mein Bazaar Mein Ghoom Rahaa Tha Ki Tabhi Uski Ek Hot Colleague Ka Message Aaya, Jismein Likha Tha: Mummy-Papa Baahar Gaye Hain. Mujhe Akele Dar Lagta Hai. Agar Aapko Pareshani Na Ho Toh Aaj Raat Sone Ke Liye Aapke Flat Pe Aa Jaun???

    • Message Dekhte Hi Pappu Ne Socha Wah Kya Kismat Aaj. Vo Phauran Gaadi Side Pe Lagata Hai Aur Khushi Khushi, Excitment Mein Reply Type Karne Lagta Hai: Yes Sure! Pareshaani Waali Koi Baati Nahin... You're Welcome !

    • Isse Pehle Ki Paappu Message Bhej Pata, Ek Jhapatmar Ne Gaadi Ke Andar Haath Daala Aur Mobile Chheen Kar Bhaag Khada Hua...

    • Pappu Gaadi Se Utra Aur Us Jjapatmar Ke Peechhe Bhaagte Huye Chillaya: Send Ka Button Dabaa De... Kutte....... Send Ka Button... Kamineeee...... Tujhe Tere Poore Khaandaan Ki Kasam.... Ek Baar Send Dabaa De Yaar... Mobile Tu Hi Rakh Le but Send Ka Button Daba De.... Tere Haath Jodta Hun..... Send Daba De Mere Baaapppp...
    • HINGLISH  34
    • Pappu's Love Affair
    • Pappu Ko Ek Ladki Se Pyar Ho Gaya. Isi Chakkar Meine Vo Daily Us Ladki Ko Subah Uske Office Drop Karne Jaata Aur Phir Shaam Ko Use Office Se Pick Karke Uske Ghar Chhod Ke Aata Tha.

    • Ek Din Raaste Mein Ladki Dukhi Si Hokar Boli: Kal Ladke Waale Mujhe Dekhne Aaye The.

    • Pappu: Phir???

    • Ladki: Mujhe Pasand Kar Gaye.

    • Pappu Behad Dukhi Hokar Bola: Togh Ab... ???

    • Ladki Rone Lagi Aur Rote Rote Boli: Agle Mahine Kee Shaadi Fix Ho Gayi Hai... Unka Ghar Laxmi Nagar Mein Hai.

    • Pappu Gehri Soch Mein Pad Gaya.

    • Ladki: Ab Kya Karna Hai... Tum Please Jaldi Kuch Socho Na...

    • Pappu: Soch Hee Toh Raha Hun.

    • Ladki: Kya Soch Rahe Ho???

    • Pappu: Ab Laxmi Nagar Se Tumhe Office Drop Karne Ke Liye Mujhe Ring Road Leni Padegi..... Phir 3 Kilometer Baad U-turn, Uske Baad One-Way Ke Kaaran Rajguru Road, Phir Woh Mukherji Nagar Waala Fly-over... Oye Nahin Yaar Mere Bas Ki Baat Nahi Hai, Roz-Roz Ka Toh Mushkil Ho Jayega... Tu Apne Husband Ko Bol Ki Vo Koi Intezaam Kare... Mujhe Bahut Lamba Padega.
    • HINGLISH  62
    • Hotel Bill
    • Once a lady decides to celebrate her birthday by staying at a Luxury hotel. The next day when thelady is checking out of the hotel, they give her a bill for $250. She is taken aback looking at the bill and starts fighting at the desk on such a big bill. The Manager comes in to end the ruckus with a customer.

    • He says, ''Mam, we have so many facilities for our customer to use Free of cost such as Spa, Swimming pool, Gym etc., so thats why all the charges are included in it.''

    • The lady replies, but I have not used it, so why should I pay.

    • Manager says, "Thats your fault, but you have to pay."

    • The lady finally hands him over a cheque for $50.

    • The manager says this is only $50 what about the balance $200.

    • The lady replies, "$200 for you sleeping and using me in the night."

    • Manager, "But I haven't slept with you." Lady, "Thats your fault, I was here full night and you could have used me, if you didn't, thats your fault, I am sorry for you" and walked away from the hotel with every1 looking at her amazed." Moral: Moral-Voral Kuch Nahi, Aunty Bahut Shaani Thi...

    • Never underestimate the power of 3 things:
    • 1. Women angry for a reason!
    • 2. Women angry without reason!
    • 3. Women about to get angry & looking for a reason.



    • Facebook Humour
    • Girl's Status: In Temple
    • Comments:
    • Boy1: Jai Mata Di.
    • Boy2: Mere Liye Bhi Prasad Lana.
    • Boy3: Wow Nyc.

    • Boy's Status: In Temple
    • Comments:
    • Boy1: Abey Vahan Bheekh Maangne Baith Gya Kya???
    • Boy2: Saale Temple Run Or Temple Mein Fark Ni Pata Kya???
    • Boy3: Abey Kamine, Tharki... Tu Vahan Bhi Pahunch Gaya Ladkiyan Tadne...

    • That Awkward Moment:
    • Jab Main Kisi Unknown Ladki Se Friendship Karta Hun Aur Kuch Dino Baad Dekhta Hun Ki Hamare Beech 10 Mutual Friend Ho Gaye Hain... Aur Vo Sab Mere Dost Hain... Kamine Kahin Ke!!!

    • Dear facebook...
    • Whenever I add a Girl, you always ask me: Do you Know her?
    • I just want to ask: Behan Lagti Hai wo Teri....????

    • She: Jao Mujhe Baat Nahin Karni Tumse.
    • Me: Okie.
    • She: Puchoge Nahin Ki Kyun Baat Nahin Karni, Kis Baat Pe Gussa Hun Main ???
    • Me: Na Re, I Respect Your Decision.
    • Single Again...

    • Banta: Yaar Santa, Kal Jeeto Bhabhi Itni Zor-Zor Se Kyun Chilla Rahi Thi? Unki Awaaz Mere Ghar Tak Aa Rahi Thi.
    • Santa: Kya Bataun Yaar Banta... Hua Ye Ki Uski Photo Facebook Pe Upload Karni Thi Lekin Galati Se OLX Pe Upload Kar Di... Aur Hadd Toh Tab Ho Gayi Jab Ek Ladke Ne Kaha Ki Bhai Ye 1960 Ka Kabaad Kaun Lega???
    • HINGLISH   
    • Take it Easy!
    • A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee.

    • "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

    • The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

    • "This one is much cooler, sir," he beamed.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Pot
    • Mulla Nasruddin borrowed a pot from his friend. The next day, he gave the friend back the pot, plus another smaller pot.

    • The friend looked at the small pot, and said, "What's that?" "Your pot gave birth while I had it," said Nasrudin, "so I am giving you its child."

    • The friend, happy to receive the bonus, did not ask another question. A week later, Nasrudin once again borrowed the original pot from the friend. After a week passed, the friend asked Nasrudin to return it.

    • "I can't," said Nasrudin.

    • "Why not?" the friend asked.

    • "Well," Nasrudin answered, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but your pot has died."

    • "What?" the friend asked with skepticism. "A pot can't die!"

    • "Well, you believed it gave birth," said Nasrudin, "so is why is it that you can't believe it died?"
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • The Old Fisherman
    • It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

    • An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

    • A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

    • "Fishing," replied the old man.

    • "Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

    • Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"

    • "You're the eighth."


    • Slower, Older and Smarter
    • A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

    • The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!"

    • And promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

    • The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

    • The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

    • The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that?"

    • Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

    • The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll."

    • When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing!
    • When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

    • It's called S O S - Slower, Older and Smarter...
    • FUNNY  7
    • No Prompt Action
    • An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realised that he left all the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police.

    • The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls and were busy with very important works.

    • The old man waited for a few minutes and called dispatch again. He told dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

    • In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

    • One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them."

    • "The old man replied,"I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
    • FUNNY  8
    • Key to a Happy Marriage
    • For those of us "of a certain age" and for you youngsters, well, these days will come soon enough!

    • Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

    • Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.

    • As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.

    • I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband's mobile.

    • "Hello My Love," I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

    • There was a long period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. 

    • He barked, "I dropped you off!"

    • Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, please come and get me."

    • He retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

    • This is what they call, "a senior moment."
    • MARRIAGE  10
    • Testing Sons-in-law
    • An old woman had 3 daughters. One day she decided to test her three sons-in-law. One a fine day, she was walking along a lake shore with the first son-in-law.

    • Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help. The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.

    • The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"

    • Another day she went out with her second son-in-law. Purposefully, she fell in the lake and started yelling for help. The second son-in-law, too, jumped into the water and dragged her out, onto the shore.

    • The next day he found a brand new E-Class Mercedes at his doorstep with the wording, "Thank you! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much!!"

    • The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same. But that guy got scared and ran away without offering any help to her. The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.

    • The next day the third son-in-law was surprised to see a new brand new Rolls-Royce waiting at his doorsteps with the following wording, "Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law!"



    • An Irishman's Philosophy
    • There are only two things to worry about, Either you are well or you are sick.

    • If you are sick, Then there are only two things to worry about, Either you will get well or you will die.

    • If you get well, Then there are only two things to worry about, Either you will go to heaven or hell.

    • If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

    • But if you go to hell, You'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry!
    • FUNNY  10
    • Saas-Bahu Ka Kissa
    • Ek Saas Apni Bahu Se Bahut Pareshaan Thi Kyunki Vo Koi Kaam Nahin Karti Thi.

    • Ek Din Tang Aakar Saas Apne Bete Se Kahti Hai Ki Kal Subah Mein Ghar Mein Jhaadu Lagungi Aur Tum Mujhe Rokna Aur Kehne Ki Lao Maa Main Kar Deta Hoon. Is Tarah Bahu Ko Kuch Toh Sharam Aayegi!!!

    • Subah Jaise Hi Saas Jhaadu Lagane Lagti Hai Toh Uska Beta Aa Jaata Hai Aur Kehta Hai: Lao Maa, Main Kar Deta Hoon.

    • Maa: Rehney Do Beta, Main Laga Lungi.

    • Beta: Rehne Bhi Do Na Maa, Aapse Ab Kaam Nahin Ho Paata Hai, Lao Mein Laga Dunga.

    • Yah Sab Sunkar Bahu Aa Jaati Hai Aur Kehti Hai: Arey Ismein Ladne Ki Kya Zaroorat hai, Ek Din Maa Lagayegi, Ek Din Tum Laga Lena... Baari Baari Se Kar Lo...
    • HINGLISH  62
    • The Best Position
    • Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

    • "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

    • "No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

    • "You're both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

    • The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
    • FUNNY  3
    • Only Real Fashion
    • A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices.

    • After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price."

    • Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

    • The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
    • How To Be Unhappy
    • Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.

    • Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things first.

    • Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.

    • Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving perfection.

    • Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be rigid in your rightness.

    • Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst and weakest.

    • Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.

    • Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant misery.

    • Take personally everything that happens to you.

    • Don't give yourself whole-heartily to anyone or anything.
    • FUNNY   
    • Kolhu Ka Bail...
    • Ek Eingineer Ko Yeh Dekh Kar Badi Hairat Hui Ki Andar Ke Kamre Mein Ek Bail Kolhu Kheench Raha Hai Aur Teli Bahar Baitha Chilam Pee Raha Hai.

    • Engineer Ne Teli Se Poocha: Agar Bail Ruk Jaaye Toh Tumhe Pata Tak Nahin Chalega.

    • Teli: Pata Chal Jayega Engineer Sahab, Uske Gale Mein Bandhi Hui Ghanti Ki Awaaz Aana Bhi Ruk Jayegi.

    • Engineer Ne Ek Minute Socha Aur Phir Bola: Achcha, Agar Yeh Ek Jagah Khada Hokar Bas Apna Sir Hilaata Rahe Toh Ghanti Bajti Rahegi Aur Tumh Samjhoge Ki Bail Chal Raha Hai.

    • Teli Ne Badi Shaanti Se Jawaab Diya: Engineer Sahab, Hamare Bail Ne B-Tech Nahin Kiya Hai...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Hilarious Santa
    • Pappu Ko Fire Brigade Main Naukari Mil Gayi.
    • Ek Lady Ne Call Kiya: Hello Mere Ghar Par Aag Lagi Hai
    • Pappu: Apne Pani Daala....??
    • Lady: Haa, Par Aag Bujhi Nahi.
    • Pappu: Pagal, Fir Hum Aa Kar Kya Karenge. Hum Bhi To Pani Hi Dalenge Na.

    • Self Confidence at its Peak...
    • Santa writes to SBI : My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank.

    • Santa Ne Blood Test Karwaya. Result Aaya A+
    • Result Dekhkar Santa Ko Bada Achraj Hua Aur Vo Sochne Laga Ki Saali Kamyaabi Tog Rag-Rag Mein Daud Rahi Hai... Phir Saala School Mein Hamesha C Kyun Milta Tha...

    • Santa Apni Shaadi Ki Saalgirah Pe Jeeto Ko Gulaab Dete Hue Bola: O Darling... Happy Annirversary!
    • Jeeto: Yeh Nahin, Mujhe Sone Ki Cheeez Chahiye.
    • Santa: Oh, Achcha, toh Ye Lo Pillow Aur Araam Se So Jao.
    • HINGLISH   
    • The Proposal!
    • He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

    • This 60th anniversary of their class, they had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

    • Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

    • After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

    • The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

    • He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

    • As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No?'

    • "Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

    • The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

    • Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"




    • Einstein's Attire
    • Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work.

    • "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there."

    • When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit.

    • "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"
    • CELEBRITIES   
    • Those Blond Men
    • A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: Did you find the shampoo?
    • He answers: Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.

    • A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
    • "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
    • The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
    • The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

    • A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
    • It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND"
    • He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

    • A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    • "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
    • "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

    • A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    • "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
    • "Hanging myself," the blond replies.
    • "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
    • "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

    • An Italian tourist asks a blond man: Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?
    • To which the blonde man replies: If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
    • BLONDES   
    • Air Force Wings
    • A mother travelled 2000 miles to see her only son getting Air Force wings and getting married on the same day.

    • After marriage the son thanked her for coming all the way.

    • "It meant so much to me," he said.

    • The mother gave a classic reply.

    • She said, "I wouldn't have missed it. After all it's not every day a mother watches her son get his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the afternoon."
    • FUNNY   
    • A Bit of Gas
    • "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

    • "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

    • A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

    • "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

    • On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

    • Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"



    • The Umbrella Thief
    • A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately, he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand, he decided to take them all in and have them repaired.

    • On the bus on the way home, he picked up the umbrella that belonged to the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit.

    • She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella.

    • Very embarrassed, he quickly got off the bus. The next week he picked up his repaired umbrellas. When he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm, he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman.

    • She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Life Saving Advice
    • On a cold winter day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him.

    • "Give the poor man a glass of brandy," advises a woman. 

    • "Give him a heart massage," says someone else.

    • "No, just give him some brandy," insists the woman.

    • "Call an ambulance," yells another person.

    • "A brandy!"

    • The man suddenly sits up and exclaims, "Shut up, everybody, and do as the kind lady says!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Transferred to California
    • Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

    • "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.

    • "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

    • "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

    • The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

    • "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
    • FUNNY   
    • An Year without Toilet?
    • In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India She was registered to stay in a small guest house ownedby the local Schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for 'Water Closet'.

    • She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC. The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a 'Wayside Church' near the house. A bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

    • Dear Madam,
    • I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.

    • It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

    • As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.

    • This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly. It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.

    • My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

    • You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

    • The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.

    • I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

    • With deepest regards,
    • The Schoolmaster

    • The Woman fainted reading the reply....... and she never visited India


    • Facebook in Real Life
    • Presently I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

    • Therefore every day, I go down on the street and tell the passerby what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do after.

    • I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

    • I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I Like them.

    • And it works:
    • I already have 3 persons following me:
    • 2 Police Officers and a Psychiatrist
    • FUNNY  23
    • When Einstein Lost his Ticket
    • Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

    • The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it."

    • Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

    • The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

    • Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."
    • CELEBRITIES  3
    • Classic Comeback
    • If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.

    • Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

    • A: No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.

    • Q: Officer, who provided this description?

    • A: The officer who responded to the scene.

    • Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

    • A: Yes, sir. With my life.

    • Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

    • A: Yes sir, we do!

    • Q: And do you have a locker in the room?

    • A: Yes, sir, I do.

    • Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

    • A: Yes, sir.

    • Q: Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?

    • A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

    • The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
    • LAWYERS  7
    • Patni aur Ghadi Ke Beech Sambandh
    • Dono Ki Samaantayein:

    • 1. Ghadi Chaubees Ghante Tic-Tic Karti Rehti Hai, Aur Patni Chaubees Ghante Kit-Kit Karti Rehti Hai!

    • 2. Ghadi Ki Suiyaan Ghoom Phir Ke Wahi Aa Jaati Hain, Usi Prakaar Patni Ko Aap Kitna Bhi Samjha Lo, Wo Ghoom-Phir Kar Wahin Aa Jayegi Aur Apni Baat Manwayegi.

    • 3. Ghadi Bigad Jaaye Toh Mechanic Ke Yaha Jaati Hai, Aur Agar Patni Bigad Jaaye Toh Maayke Jaati Hai.

    • 4.Ghadi Ko Charge Karne Ke Liye Cell (Battery) Ka Prayog Hota Hai, Aur Patni Ko Charge Karne Ke Liye Salary Ka Prayog Hota Hai!

    • Vishamtaaiyein! - Differences
    • 1. Ghadi Mein Jab 12 Bajte Hain Toh Teeno Suiyaa Ek Dikhaayi Deti Hain, Lekin Patni Ke Jab 12 Bajte Hain Toh Ek Patni Bhi 3-3 Dikhaayi Deti Hain!

    • 2. Ghadi Ke Alarm Bajne Ka Fix Time Hai, Lekin Patni Ke Alarm Bajne Ka Koi Fix Time Nahin Hai!

    • 3. Ghadi Bigad Jaaye Toh Ruk Jaati Hai, Lekin Jab Patni Bigad Jaaye Toh Shuru Ho Jaati Hai!

    • 4. Sabse Bada Antar Yeh Hai Ki Ghadi Ko Aap Jab Chahe Badal Sakte Hain, Magar Patni Ko chah Kar Bhi Badal Nahin Sakte!


    • Diet Meal Plan
    • Jeeto was very fat. She weighed 100 kilos, and she was getting heavier every month, so she went to see her doctor.

    • He said, "You need a diet, Jeeto, and I've got a good one here."

    • He gave her a small book and said, "Read this carefully and eat the things on page 21 every day. Then come back and see me in two weeks time."

    • Jeeto came again two weeks later, but she wasn't thinner, she was fatter. The doctor was surprised and said, "Are you eating the things on page 21 of the small book?"

    • "Yes, doctor," she answered.

    • The next day the doctor visited Jeeto during her dinner. She was very surprised to see him.

    • "Jeeto ," he said, "Why are you eating potatoes and bread? They aren't in your diet."

    • "But, doctor," Jeeto answered, "I ate my diet at lunch time, This is my dinner."
    • SANTABANTA  6
    • Shoes & Boots Sale
    • A large store was having its spring sale on shoes and boots. It was the first day of the sale, and the shoe department was fully of women who were eagerly trying to buy them. There were all kinds of shoes and boots in a variety of colors, and the prices had been reduced a lot, because the store wanted to get rid of as many as possible in order to make room for their new stock.

    • The cashiers were kept busy, and at one moment a woman came to one of them with her money in her hand and said, "I don't need a bag, thank you. I 'm wearing the shoes I bought." She pointed to them on her feet.

    • "Would you like a bag to put your old shoes in then?" the cashier asked politely as she took the woman's money.

    • "No, thank you," the woman answered quickly. "I've just sold those to someone else."
    • FUNNY  4
    • AIDS Carriers!
    • To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is specially for you... Senior Citizens are the Nation's leading carriers of AIDS! HEARING AIDS

    • BAND AIDS

    • ROLL AIDS

    • WALKING AIDS

    • MEDICAL AIDS

    • GOVERNMENT AIDS

    • MOST OF ALL,
    • MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

    • Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)
    • FUNNY  5
    • A Letter to Railway Dept.
    • Okhil Babu's Letter to the Railway Department:

    • Date: 02 - 07 - 1909
    • Divisional Railway Officer,
    • Sahibgunj,

    • Respected Sirs,
    • I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow or train to go off and I am running with lotaah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female women on platform. I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him.
    • I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers.

    • Your faithful Servant,
    • Okhil Chandra Sen

    • Okhil Babu wrote this letter to the Sahibganj divisional railway officer in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi. It was also reproduced under the caption Travellers tales in the Far Eastern Economic Review.
    • Any guesses why this letter is of Historic Value?

    • It led to the introduction of TOILETS in trains in India.


    • Arriving in Heaven!
    • A man is standing outside the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches and says, "Can I help you?"

    • The man replies, "No thanks."

    • He continues to stand on the clouds.

    • "Are you sure I can't help you?" says Saint Peter.

    • "No. That's fine," says the man.

    • Several minutes pass before Saint Peter approaches the man again.

    • "Look," he says, "You do realize that if you're here, you're dead - right?"

    • "Oh I realize that," replies the man.

    • "You realize that," Saint Peter repeats.

    • The man points down through the clouds, "I'm just waiting for the Medics down there to realize that!"
    • DOCTORS  7
    • God & Seniors
    • And God Looked Down...
    • Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    • Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    • Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional-calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

    • So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
    • FUNNY  1
    • Feeling Depressed?
    • Whenever I feel depressed in my life... I open my E-Mail spam inbox... and I find: 1) 10 banks are giving me easy loans.

    • 2) I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.

    • 3) 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.

    • 4) 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.

    • 5) Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.

    • 6) 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.

    • And Approx 40-50 mails from Priya, Payal, and Neha who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.

    • Zindagi Main Aur Kya Chahiye...?
    • FUNNY  18
    • Pushing The Wrong Way...
    • Two boys were struggling with a huge table in a doorway. They pushed and pulled and upped it and downed it until both were exhausted.

    • Between gasps for air, one managed to say, "We better give up... because we'll never get this table into the house."

    • "Into the house?" screamed the other. "I thought we were moving it out of the house!"



    • Mutton Recipe for Ramzan
    • Mullah Nasruddin returned home grinning foolishly on a festival holiday and his wife wondered aloud about what was so funny.

    • Mullah revealed that he had bought a fine leg of lamb from the market. On his way home he encountered a friend who wrote a special mutton recipe. Mullah was happily looking forward to a delicious meal as he walked back home with the lamb piece in one hand and the recipe in the other. As ill luck would have it, a crow had spied the meat. Swooping down with a raucous cry, the crow stole the meat from Nasruddin's hand and flew off with it towards a cluster of trees.

    • "You fool," cried his wife, "what's so funny about the crow stealing the meat that we could have cooked on this festival ?"

    • "You don't understand begum!" Mullah continued grinning from ear to ear. "The stupid crow may have stolen our meat! But what's it going to do with raw meat ? It forgot to steal the recipe from my other hand, which is still with me!"
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • Marry Me Again
    • One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.

    • "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

    • His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

    • Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

    • She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

    • As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

    • Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Monopoly Money
    • Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper Monopoly money and started to leave.

    • The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."

    • Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply.

    • The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking.

    • The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?"

    • The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."

    • Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Dedicated Performer
    • A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems.

    • Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player.

    • Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance.

    • She, of course, humbly responded, "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."



    • My Pet Ant
    • A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc.

    • He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant.

    • He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do."

    • He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.

    • The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said, "You see that ant?"

    • The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."
    • FUNNY   
    • Santa Jokes
    • Santa dials a number, a Girl answered.
    • Santa: Hello... Kaun?
    • Girl: Main Seeta...
    • Sardar: O Teri!!! Yeh Toh Ayodhya Lag Gaya... Sorry Maaate... !!!

    • Santa: Yaar Banta... 'I am going' Ka Matlab Kya Hota Hai?
    • Banta: Main Ja Raha Hoon...
    • Santa: Abe Aise Kaise Jaayega... Saala 20 Logon Se Puchh Chuka Hun, Sab Chale Gaye... Answer Bata Ke Jaa!!!

    • Santa Ko Dast Lag Gaye. Wo Doctor Ko Dikhane Gaya.
    • Doctor Ne Kaha Nimbu Ka Istemaal Karo!
    • 2 Din Baad.
    • Doctor: Ab Dast Kaise Hain?
    • Santa: Nimbu Hatate Hi Phir Shuru Ho Jaate Jain!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Resident vs Non Resident Indians
    • People's perception in and outside India

    • 1. Mother-in-law:
    • In India - A woman capable of making your life miserable.
    • Outside India - A woman you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

    • 2. Husband:
    • In India - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
    • Outside India - Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.

    • 3. Friend:
    • In India - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.
    • Outside India - A person whom you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.

    • 4. Wife:
    • In India - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.
    • Outside India - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath.

    • 5. Son:
    • In India - A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
    • Outside India - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.

    • 6. Daughter:
    • In India - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes during her marriage.
    • Outside India - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before her marriage.

    • 7. Father:
    • In India - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
    • Outside India - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.

    • 8. Doctor:
    • In India - A respectable person with ok income.
    • Outside India - A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called 'Doctor's Wife'.

    • 9. Bhangra:
    • In India - A vigorous punjabi festival dance.
    • Outside India - A dance you do, when you don't know how to dance.

    • 10. Software Engineer:
    • In India - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue in the consulate visa line.
    • Outside India - The same hi-tech guy, who does Ganapati Puja everyday, and says 'this is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year.

    • 11. A Green Card holder bachelor:
    • In India - The guy can't speak hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there.
    • Outside India - The guy can't speak proper English, wears jacket all the time, works in a candy store at Manhattan, dreams of owning a BMW.
    • FUNNY   
    • Pet Squirrel !!!
    • A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet. One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet.

    • Later that night a thief broke into their house. The thief was in the process of stealing the couple's valuables when he heard the couple's car arriving home.

    • The thief then immediately hid in the closet. The owners came into the house and went straight to bed.

    • In the middle of the night they were awoken by a scream from the closet. The husband opened the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor. The husband immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and asked what made him yell so loud.

    • The thief replied in pain, "When your squirrel took my ass for a hollow in a tree, I held out.... Then it took my balls for nuts and I gritted my teeth... Then it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow... that's when I cracked up!!!"



    • I'm Old!
    • Now that I'm 'Older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered.

    • 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    • 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

    • 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

    • 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

    • 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

    • 6. If all is not lost, where is it?

    • 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

    • 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

    • 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

    • 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

    • 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    • 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

    • 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

    • 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

    • 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

    • 16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

    • 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    • 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter -- I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

    • 19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!!!

    • 20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.
    • FUNNY   
    • Just a Fart!!!
    • Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

    • One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

    • Then I realized that 3-year-old Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."

    • I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

    • Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

    • "No," he replied.

    • I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

    • This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

    • While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
    • CHILDREN   
    • Sunday Edition!
    • "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper???" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

    • "Madam," said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

    • There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter...

    • "Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either."
    • FUNNY   
    • Can't Outsmart a Rancher
    • A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.

    • The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!"

    • The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher.

    • The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few months later, the salesman called the Texas rancher.

    • "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for sale"?

    • "Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick."

    • The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

    • After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the rancher's cows, they decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.

    • "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for those, too!"

    • "What extras"? asked the salesman.

    • "I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!"

    • Basic Cow: $500.00
    • Two Tone Exterior: $45.00
    • Extra Stomach: $75.00
    • Product Storing Equipment: $60.00
    • Straw Compartment: $120.00
    • Four Spigots at $10 each: $40.00
    • Leather Upholstery: $125.00
    • Dual Horns: $45.00
    • Automatic Fly Swatter: $38.00
    • Fertilizer Attachment: $185.00

    • Grand Total: $1,233.00



    • Understanding Engineers
    • Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

    • A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

    • "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

    • The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

    • One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
    • FUNNY  10
    • Drunken Driving
    • 2 Dost Daaru Pee Ke Apni Gaadi Se Gahr Jaa Rahe The.

    • Tabhi Ek Dost Chillaya, "Deewar... Abbe Samne Dekh Deewar Hai.... Deewar... Dewaar Dekh Kamine......"

    • Aur Itne Mein... Dhadaaaaam!!!!

    • They Hit The Wall.

    • The next day in the Hospital 1st asked 2nd, "Mein Chilla chilla Ke Bol Raha Tha Deewar Hai Deewar Hai... Suna Kyun Nahi Tu Ne??? Peene Ke Baad Agar Drive Nahin Kar Sakta Toh Batana Chahiye Tha Yaar!!!"

    • 2nd answered him, "Abe Bewde...... Gaadi Tu Chala Raha Tha...!!!"
    • HINGLISH  51
    • Peg After Peg
    • I never take risk while drinking.
    • When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking,
    • I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen,
    • I stealthily enter the house,
    • Take out the bottle from my black cupboard,
    • Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame,
    • But still no one is aware of it,
    • Becoz I never take a risk.

    • I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink,
    • Quickly enjoy one peg,
    • Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack,
    • Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard,
    • Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile.

    • I peep into the kitchen,
    • Wife is cutting potatoes,
    • No one is aware of what I did,
    • Becoz I never take a risk.

    • I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage?
    • Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her.

    • I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard,
    • But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle,
    • I take out the glass from the old rack above sink,
    • Quickly enjoy one peg.

    • Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink,
    • Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard,
    • But still no one is aware of what I did,
    • Becoz I never take a risk.

    • I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much.
    • Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse.
    • I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

    • I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard,
    • But the cupboard's place has automatically changed,
    • I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink,
    • Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly.
    • I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard.
    • Wife is keeping the sink on the stove,
    • But still no one is aware of what I did,
    • Becoz I never take a risk.

    • I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
    • Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

    • I take out the bottle from the potatoes,
    • Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg,
    • Wash the sink and keep it over the rack,
    • Wife is giving a smile.

    • Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking,
    • But still no one is aware of what I did,
    • Becoz I never take a risk.

    • I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!!
    • Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

    • I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack,
    • Stove is also on the rack,
    • There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside.
    • I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink,
    • But none of the horses are aware of what I did,
    • Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk.

    • Iyer is still cooking,
    • And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing,
    • Becoz I never take what???
    • FUNNY  11
    • Enough is Enough
    • An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.

    • "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

    • "I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

    • "Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

    • "My husband is eighty-seven."

    • "My my," said the lawyer." And how long have you been married?"

    • "Next September will be sixty-two years."

    • "Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

    • "Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough!"


    • Female Hormones in Beer
    • Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    • The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

    • It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

    • No further testing is planned.
    • FUNNY  12
    • The Truth Be Told
    • A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

    • When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

    • He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers can not and do not lie. So, he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

    • He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have ?"

    • He answered, "12 children."

    • The agent asked, "Where are the others ?"

    • The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother."

    • And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

    • MORAL: It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. Lawyers don't lie... they are creative.
    • LAWYERS  17
    • Diet for Weight Loss
    • Needing to shed a few kilos, Santa and Jeeto, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions.

    • They felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.

    • As time progressed, Santa and Jeeto realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.

    • There, in small print, Santa and Jeeto saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'
    • SANTABANTA  5
    • Epic Jokes on Maggi Ban
    • Always felt there was something wrong with MAGGIE, having such a feminine name and getting ready in "two minutes"?
    • Highly suspicious.

    • The amount of Maggi Noodles we have eaten, if it really contained that much lead, the men would be Natraj HB pencils by now and the ladies would have turned to Apsaras!

    • Breaking News:
    • Khatron Ke Khiladi Ke Next Season Mein Ek Task Mein Maggi Khilayi Jayegi!

    • Maggi Ke Peeche Sab Pade Hain, Koi Darru Ke Samples Bhi Check Kre,
    • Aaj-Kal Saali Chad Hi Nahi Rhi !

    • Saala Daaru Toh Bas Naam Se Badnaam Hai,
    • Warna Kidney Kharab Toh Maggi Ne Bhi Ki Hai!

    • The new Statutory Warning, censor board may issue: Maggi consumption may be injurious to health.

    • Ek Maggi Hi Aesi Female Thi Jo Do Minute Mein Ready Ho Jaati Thi...
    • Ab Uspar Bhi Rok Lag Gayi!

    • Agar 'Maggi' Band Ho Gayi Toh Sabsey Jyada Pareshaani Un Ladkiyon Ko Hogi Jo Apne 'Biodata' Mei Likhti Hain....
    • I Like cooking...

    • Hum Bharatiyon Ka Oil Mein Doobey Bhture/Samose, Paseene Vaale Paani Ke Goalgappe, Bird Flu Vaale Murge Baal Bhi Baanka Nahim Kar Sake, Toh Maggi Ki LEAD Kya Bigaad Legi!

    • Bhikari: Khane Ko Kuchh De Do Behen.
    • Behen: 2 Minutes Ruko Bhai.
    • Bhikari: Bhago Bhai, Yeh Toh Maggi Bana Rahi Hai!

    • Maggi Par Ban Lagne Ke Baad Ek Facebook Status: Cooking Daliya With Riya and 47 Others

    • Bharat Mein Maggi Bechne Ka Ab Ek Hee Tarika Hai: Iski Advertisement Mein Mein Liha Jaaye - Kesryukt Maggi.

    • Maggi Par Pratibndh Lagne Par Akhil Bhartiya Bachelore Sangh Ne Aapaat Baithak Bulaai Hai. Mudda Tha Ki Agar Raat 2 Baje Bhukh Lage Toh Bechaare Bachelors Kya Karein???
    • Sarkar Ghiri.

    • Ab Ekta Kapoor Ke Serial Mein Jehar Ki Jagah Maggi Istemal Ki Jaayegi.



    • The Unfaithful Husband !
    • Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

    • When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.

    • "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!"

    • Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.

    • Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."
    • MARRIAGE  20
    • Wine is Better than Water
    • A Glass of Wine Better than Water

    • To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

    • As Ben Franklin said:
    • In wine there is wisdom,
    • In beer there is freedom,
    • In water there is bacteria.

    • In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

    • In other words, we are consuming one kilo of poop annually. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

    • Remember: Water = Poop,
    • Wine = Health

    • Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit.
    • FUNNY  18
    • One Liners about India
    • If you want to know how divided we are, just look at matrimonial page of our newspaper!

    • India is running the software of tomorrow on the hardware of yesterday.

    • If the mobile gets spoiled blame the child, if child gets spoiled blame the mobile.

    • If someone asks for dirty cloth to clean something you are in India.

    • The only country where people fight to be termed 'Backward'.

    • In India, you don't cast your vote, you vote your caste.

    • An incredible country where actors are playing cricket, cricketers are playing politics, politicians are watching porn and porn stars are becoming actors!- vicious circle indeed.

    • Sarcasm is like electricity, half of India doesn't get it.

    • And where liking a Facebook post and sending messages on WhatsApp gets you arrested, while raping does not.
    • FUNNY  15
    • Black or White???
    • "Is this the girl you are going to marry?"

    • "Yes dad. Isn't she pretty?"

    • "She is dark. I can't even see her face clearly."

    • "It's a dark photograph dad. Trust me, her face is visible enough."

    • "Where is she from?"

    • "Panjim. Goa."

    • "Definitely not Sikh. Hindu?"

    • "Atheist, but yes, her parents are Hindu."

    • "Hmmm... Can't she use fairness creams? You are milky white. You both together will look like a black and white film."

    • "We will look good together, like a chess-board. Don't worry dad."

    • "Will you feel comfortable taking her as your bride back to our hometown? Beautiful Punjabi Girls back home in Jalandhar, and here you are stuck with this black girl."

    • "Chill dad. You want some ice-cream?"

    • "I shouldn't. You know I have Diabetes... but I guess one scoop won't do much harm."

    • "Vanilla or chocolate? Okay sorry for my stupidity. Vanilla of course?"

    • "What? No, I want chocolate."

    • "But vanilla is what you must have dad. It's white."

    • "What difference does the color make?"

    • "Exactly dad."


    • Chinese Food!
    • A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    • "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

    • He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

    • Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

    • "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

    • The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

    • "Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
    • FUNNY  7
    • Golf Emergency
    • A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.

    • "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

    • The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

    • His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

    • "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

    • "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

    • "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

    • "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
    • GOLF  8
    • The Purina Diet
    • I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

    • I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

    • Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse (not that i have one...) with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two (or seven) every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    • I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. I dont know what imparticular about the story engrosed him so much, was it concern, compasion, did he have no friends, or was he thinking about trying it himself... hmm.

    • Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. She thougt that maybe there was some additive that was perfectly safe for dogs but could poison a human. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

    • I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
    • FUNNY  7
    • History Repeats Itself
    • This is excellent... every Office goers can relate with is:

    • Who is Dronacharya:
    • The Mentor. The employee who doesn't like working himself but is always ready to guide and train new joiners.

    • Who is Bhishma:
    • The Loyal. The employee in a relatively senior position who happily assists the boss in spite of knowing his incompetence (because of some strange oath maybe)

    • Who is Dhritarashtra
    • The blind boss. He knows that everything is wrong with his project but will still let it function, without making any changes to the current processes.

    • Who is Gandhari:
    • The Yes men/Women. Boss's immediate juniors who know that they are a part of an evil plan but will stay blindfolded and pretend as if nothing is happening.

    • Yuddhisthira:
    • The ethical guy. Poor chap would never fudge timesheets and call in sick only when he is dying.

    • Bheema:
    • The angry resource. Always ready to pick up a fight with his peers, subordinates or even the bosses.

    • Arjuna:
    • The cool dude. The star performer who also knows how to sell his skills. A natural charmer, very famous among the ladies.

    • Nakul & Sahdev:
    • The good average resource. No one notices them. They keep doing their work and get average appraisals.

    • Duryodhana:
    • The Bully. Knows how to get work done, by hook or by crook. Doesn't mind threatening the likes of Nakul and Sahdev to get his work done.

    • Karna:
    • The unsung hero. The best performer in the office but never claims credit for his work. Stays an unsung hero for all his life. Girls take him for a snobbish nerd.

    • Shakuni:
    • The evil plotter. Copies management in every mail. Escalates every trivial issue, sometimes to take credits and sometimes purely for fun.

    • Draupadi:
    • The shared resource. Keeps hopping projects on boss's advice.

    • Krishna:
    • The Ultimate Boss (MD/CEO) who knows that it is his game while he makes everyone believe that they are playing important roles too.

    • Who says history never repeats itself.... ????
    • Yes, It does, everyday.....in the office..


    • Men vs Women Brains
    • Men vs Women Brain Analyses:

    • 1. MULTI-TASKING
    • Women's brains designed to concentrate multiple task at a time. Women can Watch a TV and Talk over phone and cook.
    • Men's brains are designed to concentrate on only one thing at a time. Men can not watch TV and talk over the phone at the same time. They stop the TV while Talking.

    • 2. LANGUAGE
    • Women can easily learn many languages. But can not find solutions to problems.
    • Men can not easily learn languages, but can easily solve problems. Which explains why on average a 3 year old girl has three times higher vocabulary than a 3 year old boy.

    • 3. ANALYTICAL SKILLS
    • A man's brain has a lot of space for handling analytical processes. They can analyze and find the solution for a process and design a map of a building easily.
    • But If a complex map is viewed by women, they can not understand it. Women can not understand the details of a map easily, For them it is just a dump of lines on a paper.

    • 4. CAR DRIVING.
    • While driving a car, a man's spatial awareness ability is triggered in his brain. He can drive a car at high speed safely. If he sees an object at long distance, immediately his brain classifies the object's (bus or van or car) direction and speed and he drives accordingly.
    • Whereas women take a longer length of time to recognize the direction/speed of oncoming vehicles.
    • However a man's single process mind is easily distracted if he is listening to music in his car whilst he is driving.

    • 5. LYING
    • When men lie to women face to face, they get caught easily. Unlike a man's brain, a woman's brain observes facial expressions and body language.
    • A man's brain does not have this function. Therefore women make more convincing liars than men.

    • 6. PROBLEMS SOLVING
    • If a man has a lot of problems, his brain clearly classifies the problems and puts them in individual boxes in the brain and then finds the solution one by one. You can see many guys looking at the sky for long periods of time, whilst they compartmentalise their problems.
    • If a woman has a lot of problems, her brain can not classify the problems as easily. She finds actually talking to someone else about her problems, not only helps to solve them, but is essential.

    • 7. WHAT THEY WANT
    • When asked, most men say that they want status, success, solutions, large sums of money, etc...
    • But most Women's say their priorities are relationships, friends, family, love etc...

    • 8. UNHAPPINESS
    • If women are unhappy with their relationships, they can not concentrate on their work.
    • If men are unhappy with their work, they can not concentrate on the relationships.

    • 9. SPEECH
    • Women use indirect language in speech.
    • But Men use direct language.

    • 10. HANDLING EMOTION
    • Women talk a lot without thinking.
    • Men act a lot without thinking.
    • FUNNY  24
    • American Customs!!!
    • A China-man decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He bought a home on a small piece of land.

    • A few days after moving in the friendly American neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the China-man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

    • The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and see the China-man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

    • A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the China-man leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause..., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.

    • The American bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the China-man and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you."

    • The China man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs. I doing, these American Customs." "What do you mean?" says the neighbour, "Those aren't American customs."

    • Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the China-man, "He say to become true American, I must learn to... chase chicks, ... get piss drunk, and ... listen to bull-shit.
    • COMMUNITIES  18
    • OLD Is When....
    • 'OLD' IS WHEN...
    • Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN...
    • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN...
    • Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN....
    • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN....
    • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN...
    • 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN....
    • 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot...

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN...
    • An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

    • 'OLD' IS WHEN....
    • You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
    • FUNNY  6
    • Alcohol Tolerance
    • Easy steps to check your Daaru tolerance:
    • Drink 1st peg and check the photo of your wife in your wallet.

    • Drink 2nd peg and do the same thing.

    • Drink 3rd peg and recheck.

    • Drink 4th peg and recheck.

    • If your wife starts looking beautiful, innocent & attractive, stop it there and there itself. These are indications that you hve consumed alchohol more than your normal capacity and its time to go home.

    • Statutory Warning:
    • If your wife starts looking beautiful, sexy and innocent in the 1st peg itself, than you're checking some one else's wallet!


    • Pluck Yew!
    • The History of the Middle Finger:

    • Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

    • Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

    • This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

    • Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

    • Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

    • And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!
    • FUNNY  9
    • Good Golfer!
    • A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

    • He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing.

    • The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him.

    • As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

    • The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
    • GOLF  6
    • Aaj Ki Sachchai
    • Yadi Aap Phoolon Pe So Rahe Hain Toh Ye Aapki Pehli Raat Hai;
    • Aur Yadi Phool Aap Pe So Rahe Hain Toh Ye Aapki Akhri Raat Hai.
    • Ajab Teri Duniya Gajab Tere Khel.

    • Mombatti Jalakar Murdon Ko Yaad Kiya Jaata Hai;
    • Aur Mombatti Bujha Ke Janamdin Manaya Jaata Hai.
    • Kaisi Vidambana Hain Hamare Desh Ki.

    • Phoolan Devi Daaku Hokar Election Jeet Gayi Aur Kiran Bedi Police Waali Ho Kar Bhi Elction Haar Gayi.

    • Kitni Ajeeb Duniya Hai Ye, Yahan Auratein Dusri Auraton Ki Buraiyaan Karti Nahin Thakti;
    • Jabki Aadmi Dusri Auraton Ki Tareef Karte Nahin Thakte.
    • Aadmi Sach Mein Mahaan Hai.

    • Humne 5 Aadmiyon Ko Beer Pilayi Aur 5 Auraton Ko Dove Lagaya.
    • Aadmiyon KE Chehre Pe Jyada Rangat Thi.

    • 5 Things Jo Khatam Hone Pe Kaafi Problems Deti Hain.
    • Dosti
    • Paisa
    • Pyar
    • Sunday Aur
    • Internet Pack
    • Last Waala Toh Almost Rula Hi Deta Hai.

    • Puraane Jamane Mein Jab Koi Akela Baith Ke Hasta Tha Toh Sab Kehte The Ki Us Per Kisi Bhoot-Pret Ka Saaya Hai.
    • Aajkal Koi Akela Baith Ke Hasta Hai Toh Kehte Hain Ki Mujhe Bhi Send Kar De.
    • HINGLISH  138
    • Attaining Enlightenment
    • A disciple went to his guru asking for tips to attain enlightenment.

    • The guru advised, "Take a mala and go up into the Himalayas and meditate."

    • The disciple went away.

    • Several months later, the guru paid him a visit and asked, "How do you like it up here in the snow?"

    • "Just fine," replied the disciple.

    • "And what about the weather? Don't you freeze?"

    • "As long as I have my Mala and My Chillum, I don't care how cold it is."

    • "I am glad to hear it. Can I also have a Chillum for myself right now," asked the guru, shivering with cold.

    • "WHY NOT !!" said the disciple ...

    • "MALA !! WOULD YOU BRING US TWO CHILLUMS


    • Blind Pilots!
    • An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin.

    • The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

    • The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

    • As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    • In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
    • FUNNY  8
    • Scientists' Reunion
    • Greatest scientists of all times were invited to a reunion...

    • Isaac Newton said he'd drop in.

    • Socrates said he'd think about it.

    • Georg Ohm resisted the idea.

    • Robert Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

    • Charles Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

    • Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

    • Alessandro Volta was electrified at the prospect.

    • Ivan Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

    • Andre-Marie Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

    • John James Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

    • Thomas Edison thought it would be illuminating.

    • Albert Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

    • Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

    • Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

    • Samuel Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

    • Carl Friedrich Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

    • Heinrich Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.

    • James Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

    • Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

    • And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!
    • SANTABANTA  31
    • Pray and Hit
    • A young man and a priest are golfing together.

    • At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

    • The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"

    • The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

    • The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

    • The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

    • The young man says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
    • GOLF  9
    • Archery Contest
    • Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

    • The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
    • He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
    • Then he takes of his cape and screams:
    • I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!!
    • The crowd cheers!

    • The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
    • He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!
    • He takes off his cape and screams:
    • I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!
    • The crowd cheers!!

    • Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position...
    • He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!
    • It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
    • Then the man takes off his cape and screams:
    • I AM...... SORRY!!!

    • Piss and Moan!
    • A blonde called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    • The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

    • The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    • 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
    • 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
    • 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
    • 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
    • 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
    • Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
    • FUNNY  7
    • I Love My Job!!!
    • If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

    • Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...

    • Hi Sue,
    • Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

    • Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.

    • This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

    • Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

    • Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

    • The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

    • When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

    • I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

    • Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

    • When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

    • The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

    • Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

    • Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

    • May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!! Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
    • FUNNY  19
    • Don't Mess With Seniors
    • A 75-year-old man made the trip back to his old college to take one last look around campus again before he settled in to retired life.

    • As he got to the student quad he saw a young man studying hard, bringing back memories. He sat on the bench beside the lad, but was surprised when the kid started spouting off at him.

    • "Your generation will never understand my generation," the kid lectured. "You grew up in a different world. In fact, your world is almost primitive compared to mine," the student said.

    • "Is that right?" the elder man said.

    • "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, microwaves. I can carry a dozen books on a tiny chip in my pocket organizer. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and," he paused to take swig of beer.

    • The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young - so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little bastard, what are you doing for the next generation?"

    • Ah, seniors: they may be slow, but they're thorough!
    • FUNNY  21
    • Investment Lesson
    • A Boss hired a good looking and attractive secretary, but 10 days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office.

    • Police: Who was there at that time in the room?

    • Secretary: I was there.

    • Police: What happened? Why did he commit suicide?

    • Secretary: He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat for 2,00,000. Then he bought me a diamond necklace for Rs.15,00,000, then he bought me a diamond ring for Rs.5,00,000. Today he asked me to spend the night with him. I told him I charge just Rs. 500 a night!

    • Moral: Investments are subject to market risk, check the market rate before investing!
    • Why Men Can't Win
    • If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    • If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

    • If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favouritism.
    • If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    • If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    • If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    • If you cry, you're a wimp.
    • If you don't, you're insensitive.

    • If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
    • If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    • If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
    • If she asks you, it's a favor.

    • If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
    • If you don't, you're a slob.

    • If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    • If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    • If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    • If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    • If she has a headache, she's tired.
    • If you have a headache, you don't love her any more.
    • FUNNY   
    • Men's Rules for Women
    • At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

    • 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    • 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    • 1. Crying is blackmail.

    • 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    • 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    • 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    • 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

    • 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    • 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    • 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    • 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    • 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    • 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    • 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    • 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    • 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    • 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

    • 1. You have enough clothes.

    • 1. You have too many shoes.

    • 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    • 1. Thank you for reading this.

    • Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    • FUNNY   
    • Lawyer's Wife
    • There was a Lawyer who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.

    • Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

    • And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart. He died soon.

    • He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the obedient wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

    • She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

    • Then her friend said: "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

    • The loyal wife replied: "Listen, I'm a wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him."

    • "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

    • "I sure did," said the loyal wife. "I got all the money together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque. I put the Cheque in the casket. Now it is up to him to encash the Cheque. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
    • LAWYERS   
    • Perfect Girl!
    • A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

    • Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

    • "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

    • "Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

    • "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

    • "Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."


    • Be an IT Professional
    • Husband - Hey dear, I am logged in.
    • Wife - Would you like to have some snacks?
    • Husband - Hard disk full.

    • Wife - Have you brought the saree.
    • Husband - Bad command or file name.
    • Wife - But I told you about it in morning.
    • Husband - Erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

    • Wife - Hey Bagwan! Forget it where's your salary.
    • Husband - File in use, read only, try after some time.

    • Wife - At least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
    • Husband - Sharing violation, access denied.

    • Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
    • husband - Data type mismatch.

    • Wife - You are useless.
    • Husband - By default.

    • Wife - By the way, who was there with you in the car this morning?
    • Husband - System unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

    • Wife - What is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
    • Husband - The only user with write permission.

    • Wife - What is my value in your life?
    • Husband - Unknown virus detected.

    • Wife - Do you love me or your computer?
    • Husband - Too many parameters.

    • Wife - I will go to my Dadu's house.
    • Husband - Program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

    • Wife - I will leave you forever.
    • Husband - Close all programs and log out for another User.

    • Wife - It is worthless talking to you.
    • Husband - Shut down the computer.
    • Wife - I am going.
    • Husband - It's now safe to turn off your computer.
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  50
    • Keeping a Mistress!
    • A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.

    • The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.

    • He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.

    • When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.

    • She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!
    • MARRIAGE  10
    • Santa Ke Latife
    • Santa Pehli Baar Train Mein Safar Kar Raha Tha. Uski Nazar Ek Signboard Pe Padti Hai Jis Pe Warning Likhi Thi:
    • Bina Ticket Safar Karne Wale Yaatri Hoshiyaar!!!!!!
    • Santa: Waah ji Waah... Aur Humne Ticket Li Toh Hum Bewakoof???

    • Santa: Insaan Ko Zindagi Mein Koi Bhi Problem Ho Toh Kiske Paas Jaana Chahiye?
    • Banta: Kisaan Ke Paas!
    • Santa: Kyun?
    • Banta: Kyunki Uske Paas 'HAL' Hota Hai!

    • Santa Aur Jeeto Ek Shadi Jaate Hain, Wahan DJ Par Gana Baj Raha Tha: Jisko Dance Nahin Karna Vo Jaa Ke Apni Bhains Charaye.
    • Sanat Jeeto Se Kehta Hai: Oye Jeeto, Chal Yaar Khaana Khaate Hain.

    • School Ke Peechey Ke Talaab Mein Headmaster Ji Doob Rahe The...
    • Pappu Ne Vo Nazara Dekha Aur Bhagte Hue Chillane Laga: Kal Chhutti Hai... Kal Chhutti Hai...

    • Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag.
    • Guess what did he ask next... Bhaisaab, Ismein Aur Colour Dikhaiye.
    • HINGLISH  138
    • Microsoft vs Apple!
    • Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store:
    • Don't ever fart here;
    • the smell will stay for ages.
    • We don't have Windows.

    • And a Tit for Tat from Microsoft in their premises.
    • Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple.
    • We have been providing open window system to the world since ages.


    • India-Pak Cricket Match
    • Scene: Ajit is watching cricket match of India vs. Pakistan. Chetan is bowling and Javed is batting. Pakistan needs 24 runs in 4 balls.

    • Ajit: Rabert, Jao Aur Chetan Se Kaho Ki Ek Khatarnak Bouncer Daal De Aur Javed Ko Out Kar De.

    • Robert: Ok boss!

    • Robert Jaata Hai Aur Ajit Ka message De Deta Hai. Chetan nods and bowls a bouncer but Javed hits it for a six!

    • Ajit: Rabert, Ab Chetan Se Kehna Ek Tez Sa Yorker Daal De Aur Javed Kaa Kaam Tamam Kar De.

    • Robert: Ok boss!!

    • He goes again and Ajit Ka message Chetan Ko De Deta Hai. Chetan nods and bowls yorker but Javed hits it for a six again. Now there are two balls and 12 runs.

    • Ajit: Rabert Ab Chetan Se Jaake Kehna Ek Khatarnak Out Swinger Daal De Aur Javed Ko Catch Out Karwa De.

    • Robert: Ok boss!!!

    • He goes to Chetan and tells him to bowl an Out Swinger. Chetan nods and bowls an out swinger but Javed again hits it for a six again. Now just one ball and six runs to win.

    • Robert: Boss, Ab Chetan Ji Se Kya Kehna Hai?

    • Ajit: Ab Chetan Se Kuch Mat Kehna. Is Baar Javed Ke Paas Jao Aur Kaho Ki Uski Maa Aur Beewi Hamare Kabje Mein Hai!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Indian TV Journalism
    • Present day Indian TV Journalism Here's how the Indian TV news channels would report the 'Jack and Jill' nursery rhyme. All names (except those of Jack and Jill), are fictitious.

    • Prashant - TV Anchor: Two persons have been injured in a freak climbing accident. Jack and his companion Jill had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after. Live from the hill, our reporter, Amrita Shah, takes up the story.

    • Amrita Shah: Thank you Prashant. Well, as you say, two persons - Jack and Jill - had gone up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Suddenly, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Prashant.

    • Prashant: Thank you Amrita. What do we know about the hill?

    • Amrita: Not too much. Jack was going up the hill to fetch a pail of water when he fell down and broke his crown. Jill came tumbling after.

    • [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Hill breaks crown of pail-boy Jack"]

    • Prashant: What news of Jack and Jill?

    • Amrita: Prashant, it seems that Jack had gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water. We know nothing about the pail, or how heavy it was but it seems that Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. I have here with me, an eyewitness to the accident, Mr Shahid Trivedi. Mr Shahid, tell us what you saw.

    • Shahid Trivedi: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

    • [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Boy and girl tumble down hill. Water spilled"]

    • Amrita: Jack and Jill. What do we know about them? Are they brother and sister? Are they married? Just what were they doing on the hill together?

    • Shahid Trivedi: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail a water.

    • Amrita: And what happened next?

    • Shahid Trivedi: Jack fell down and broke his crown.

    • Amrita: Go on.

    • Shahid Trivedi: And Jill came tumbling after.

    • Amrita: Prashant, there you have it. Two people innocently going about their business to fetch a pail of water when one of them falls down, breaks his crown, and the other comes tumbling after. Back to you in the studio Prashant.

    • [Headline appears at the foot of the TV screen: "Water errand ends in tragedy"]

    • Prashant: I have with me in the studio now, Professor Chandrashekar Belagare from the Indian Institute of Applied Hill Sciences. Professor: a hill; Jack; Jill; a pail of water. A tragedy waiting to happen?

    • Professor: Well that depends on the hill, the two persons, the object they were carrying and the conditions underfoot. Let us look at the evidence so far.

    • Jack and Jill
    • Went up the hill
    • To fetch a pail of water.
    • Jack fell down
    • And broke his crown
    • And Jill came tumbling after.

    • Clearly, one would suspect that if Jack's fall was severe enough to break his crown then the surface of the hill must have been slippery or unstable. But I think we're overlooking something quite fundamental here. Who was carrying the pail? Jack fell down and broke his crown and - this is the key - Jill came tumbling after. If Jack and Jill had been carrying the pail together, would they not have fallen at the same time? The fact that Jill came tumbling after suggests that Jack lost his footing first and perhaps knocked Jill over as he slipped.

    • Prashant: Professor thank you very much. So there we have it, two persons - Jack and Jill - went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Later in the programme, Osama bin Laden captured in Afghanistan, President Bush says rent-boy menage-a-trois was "just a brief lapse of judgement", and Pakistan launches nuclear warheads against key Indian cities. But next up, join us after the break for a studio discussion about hills, boys and girls and whether water-fetching trips should be supervised.
    • We'll be right back...
    • FUNNY   
    • Nonveg or Veg Biryani ?
    • Ek Aadmi Samundar Mein Nahate Huye Doobne Laga Toh Usne Dua Ki: Hey Bhagvan ! Agar Mein Bach Gaya Toh Biryani Ki Deg Garibo Ko Khilaunga.

    • Tabhi Ek Badi Si Lehar Aati Hai Aur Usko Utha Ke Sahil Pe Phenk Deti Hai.

    • Usne Upar Dekha Aur Kaha: Hehe, Kaunsi Biryani, Kaisi Biryani...

    • Achanak Ek Aur Lehar Aayi Aur Usko Waapas Samundar Mein Ley Gayi.

    • Tab Vo Aadmi Phir Se Uapar Dekhta Hai Aur Kehta Hai: Mera Matlab Tha Chicken Ya Mutton Ya Veg Biryani...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Dating Ads for Seniors
    • You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in 'The Villages'' Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?

    • Foxy Lady
    • Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6').
    • Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

    • Ling Term Commitment
    • Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband. Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

    • Senenity Now
    • I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

    • Winning Smile
    • Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
    • Beatles or Stones?
    • I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
    • If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

    • Memories
    • I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
    • If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

    • Mint Cindition
    • Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

    • Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.


    • Alzheimer's Strikes Again!
    • Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by.

    • And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

    • The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

    • One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age..."

    • Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

    • Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

    • Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

    • Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison..."We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
    • FUNNY  5
    • Most Careless!
    • A Bihari, a Bengali and our Santa were arguing on the hospital ward who was the most careless.

    • The Bihari guy said, "I'm the most careless, this morning I ramped a pavement and went head on into a wall, totally writing my car off, and now I have to wear this neck brace."

    • "Wow that is careless." Said the Bengali guy, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I drove straight through a red light and into the side of a van. My car is a write off and I've fractured my shoulder."

    • "That is careless." Said Santa, "Not as careless as me though. This morning I took a corner too fast, spiraled out of control, went straight into a lamppost and broke both of my legs."

    • "That is careless." Said the Bihari guy, "But what happened to your car?"

    • "Car!!! What car?" Replied Santa, "I was walking."
    • SANTABANTA  19
    • Drunk Driving!!!
    • This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

    • The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

    • With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.

    • Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

    • The Englishman answers with humour: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side???
    • FUNNY  10
    • The 10 Best Caddy Replies
    • Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
    • Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

    • Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
    • Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

    • Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
    • Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

    • Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
    • Caddy: Eventually.

    • Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
    • Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

    • Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction.
    • Caddy: It's not a watch : it's a compass.

    • Golfer: How do you like my game?
    • Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

    • Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    • Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

    • Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
    • Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

    • Best Caddy Comment
    • Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
    • Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

    • Honeymoon Package!
    • Woman goes to travel agent and says, "Honeymoon Ka Sasta Package Hai koi?"

    • Agent says, "Ji Mam, 50k mein 3N/4D in Bangkok including flight hotel and food."

    • Woman replies, "Aur Koi Sasta??"

    • Agent says, "Kashmir 3N/4D all inclusive 35k."

    • Woman goes, "Isse Bhi koi Sasta?"

    • Agent replies, "Ji Madam, Ek Special Offer Hai - 10N/11D in London and Paris via Milan, stay in honeymoon suite and complementary chauffeured car. Package is completely free!!!"

    • Woman is overjoyed and immediately tells him, "Awww my god!!! Yeh Toh incredible offer Hai, Zaroor Kuchh Catch Hoga?"

    • Agent says, "Koi catch Nahi Madam, Bas Husband Hamari Taraf Se Hota Hai!!!"
    • MARRIAGE  28
    • The Wrong Side!
    • I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

    • On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

    • Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
    • He replies, "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
    • FUNNY  13
    • Objective Type Love Letter
    • A young teenage college guy send a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.
    • My Dear......,
    • Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options... a) 10 marks, b) 5 marks and c) 3 marks.

    • 1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
    • (a) of love
    • (b) you couldn't control seeing me
    • (c) really... am I doing it

    • 2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
    • (a) you always like to see me smiling.
    • (b) you are testing whether I like jokes.
    • (c) you are attracted by my smile.

    • 3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
    • (a) you are so coy to sing before me
    • (b) my presence influenced you
    • (c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

    • 4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you hid it because:
    • (a) you felt ashamed
    • (b) you felt uneasy
    • (c) you don't know

    • 5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
    • (a) you enjoyed my disappointment
    • (b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
    • (c) you don't know

    • 6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
    • (a) you were waiting for me
    • (b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
    • (c) that bus was crowded

    • 7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
    • (a) I am going to be your groom
    • (b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
    • (c) just you felt like introducing me to them

    • 8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:
    • (a) to fulfill my wish
    • (b) you like roses
    • (c) by chance you got a rose

    • 9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM because:
    • (a) you want to pray along with me
    • (b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
    • (c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

    • If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not. Eagerly awaiting your reply...,
    • With Love....


    • Girl's Reply
    • Girl's Reply letter was also in Q/A format...
    • Hey....,
    • Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

    • 1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 2) If a girls laughs and sees anyone, is it love?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not ?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo. You poked your nose inside.... right ?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • 9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know ?
    • (a) Yes
    • (b) No

    • If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love. Hope everything is clear to you.
    • FUNNY  55
    • Just-a-wee-bit
    • An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

    • Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    • The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

    • The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

    • "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

    • The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    • "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

    • The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    • The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

    • So they were wed right away.

    • Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human "thing" you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

    • "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."


    • Old but Epic
    • Some fun facts' about Indians and Indian Mentality...

    • 1. Always order soup 1 by 2. That way you get more if you had ordered 1 soup with an extra bowl.

    • 2. When ordering sugar cane juice, first insist on no ice cubes. However after the first few sips, ask for the ice cubes with a straight face.

    • 3. Ask for extra puri when you are just finishing your bhel or sev-puri. It is absolutely ok !

    • 4. Ask for pani after finishing Gol-gappa. It is good for health.

    • 5. Ask for free cucumber / boiled aloo after you have eaten and paid for your sandwich. Remember... after you have paid.

    • 6. Sample all the ice cream flavours free at Natural Ice Cream and then order Sitaphal.

    • 7. When buying peanuts or groundnuts or Chana-Chor-Garam it is ok to keep on munching freebies from the display area till the time your order is getting packed. It is your birthright !

    • 8. At most Mughlai restaurants you can make a small meal with the free Papad, peanuts, onions, pickles and chutney so you can skip the starters.

    • 9. Always ask for free sherbet after you have super sucked your Kala Khatta Gola back into ice.

    • 10. It is absolutely ok to pocket the free toothpicks, mint packets and fenugreek seeds served at restaurants - to be used later while walking down to catch the cab, rickshaw, bus, train or car.

    • 11. Lastly do not forget to give 'MISSED CALL' after you reach... !!!
    • FUNNY   
    • A Violent Crime?
    • A Jew gets pulled over for speeding.

    • Jew: Is there a problem, officer?

    • Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

    • Jew: Oh, I see.

    • Officer: Can I see y our license please?

    • Jew: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

    • Officer: Don't have one?

    • Jew: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

    • Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    • Jew: I can't do that.

    • Officer: Why not?

    • Jew: I stole this car.

    • Officer: Stole it?

    • Jew: Yes, and I killed the owner.

    • Officer: You what?

    • Jew: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

    • The Officer looks at the Jew and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    • Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The Jew steps out of the vehicle.

    • Jew: Is there a problem sir?

    • Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

    • Jew: Killed the owner?

    • Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

    • Jew: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    • Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

    • The Jew digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

    • The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    • Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

    • Jew: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
    • COMMUNITIES   
    • A Lullaby for Golfers
    • A lullaby for Golfers: In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
    • White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
    • Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
    • This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

    • By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
    • The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
    • But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
    • I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

    • My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
    • Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

    • It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
    • A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

    • It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
    • And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
    • It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
    • If I Hit It Straight And Far.

    • To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
    • Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
    • But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
    • And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

    • It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
    • And Disappears Before My Eyes.
    • Often It Will Have A Whim,
    • To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

    • With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
    • It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
    • Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
    • If Only It Would Find The Hole.

    • It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
    • And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
    • And Take To Drink. To Ease My Sorrow,
    • But The Ball Knows: I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
    • GOLF   
    • Learning Punjabi
    • During the British Raj, it was felt that bonding with the locals would be better if English officers could speak in Punjabi.

    • Accordingly, a Punjabi tutor was arranged for a Gora Major Saab.

    • After a month the tutor felt he had taught the British Major good Punjabi.

    • The Major's commanding officer in Lahore, the British General, decided to personally test the Major.

    • So, he threw some ink on the table and asked the Major to describe in Punjabi what happened.

    • Major: Aithay ink Kinnay giraayi Hai?

    • The tutor looked happy but the General was disappointed and asked them to further improve the Punjabi. Another month passed and it was time for another test. The General again threw ink on the table and asked the same question.

    • Major replied in his improved style: Aitthay Siyahi Kinnay Doli Aa?

    • The tutor was thrilled but the General was still not satisfied. So the tutor asked what the General was expecting. The General said he would demonstrate and called a desi Punjabi Sergeant to come into the office.

    • The Sergeant walked in, saw the mess and immediately screamed: Oye Kanjaro ! Eh Maiz Di Maa Behan Kinne Kitti Aa?

    • The old General stood up, applauded and announced: Now, that, gentleman is Punjabi.


    • Finding Jesus
    • A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

    • The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

    • The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

    • The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

    • "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

    • "No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

    • The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

    • "No, I did not Reverend."

    • The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

    • The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
    • BAR   
    • Lajawab Santa!
    • Santa Ke Ghar Navjot Singh Siddhu Ki Tasvir Lagi Hui Thi.
    • Banta: Yaar, Tujhe Toh Cricket Mein Bilkul Bhi Interest Nahin Hai, Phir Tune Siddhu ji Ki Photo Kyun Laga Rahi Hai???
    • Santa: Kaun Siddhu?? Main Toh Laughing Buddha Lene Gaya Tha... Dukaandar Ne Kaha Ye Le Jao, Latest Hai !!!

    • Santa Jab Bhi Kapde Dhota, Tab Hi Baarish Ho Jaati. Ek Din Dhoop Nikli Toh Usne Shukr Kiya Aur Dukaan Pe Surf Lene Gaya.
    • Wo Jaise Hi Dukaan Par Gaya, Baadal Zor-Zor Se Garajne Lage. Santa Fatafat Aasmaan Ki Taraf Muh Karke Bola: Kya?
    • Kidhar??
    • Main Toh Biscuit Lene Aaya Hoon, Kasam Se...!!! ???

    • Santa Ki Maa: 21 Saal Tak Meri Koi Aulad Nahi Hui.
    • Press Reporter: Phir Apne Kya Kiya?
    • Santa Ki Maa: Phir Jab Mein 21 Saal Ki Hui Toh Papa Ne Meri Shadi Karwa Di, Phr Ja Ke Apna Ye Santa Hua... !!!

    • Ek Aadmi Khade-Khade Chaabi Se Apna Kaan Khujla Raha Tha. Santa Usko Bade Gaur Se Dekhte Hue Bola: Bhaisahab, Aap Start Nahi Ho Rahe Toh Dhakka Maaru?

    • Doctor: Motape Ka Ek Hi Ilaaj Hai. Tum Roj 2 Chapatis Khaya Karo.
    • Santa: Theek Hai Doctor Sahab, Par Ye Toh Bataiye 2 Chapati Khaane Se Pehle Khaani Hai Ya Khaane Ke Baad ?
    • HINGLISH   
    • My Computer!!!
    • Pappu rings a call centre and complaining about his Internet.
    • Pappu: My internet is not working properly.
    • Officer: Ok, Double click on "My computer"
    • Pappu: I can't see your computer.
    • Officer: No no, click on "My computer" on your computer.
    • Pappu: How can I click on your computer from my computer?
    • Officer: Listen, There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer. Ok double click on it.
    • Pappu: What the hell, what is your computer doing on my computer..?
    • Officer: Double click on your computer.
    • Pappu: On which Icon I've to click.
    • Officer: My Computer.
    • Pappu: Oh you fool......
    • Tell me where is your office. I'll come there and click on your "Computer."?
    • PAPPU   
    • Wife's Q&A
    • You ask your wife something and she says, "Wahan Rakha Hai."
    • This "Wahan" can be either:
    • 1. On the table.
    • 2. Or any of th 26 drawers in kitchen.
    • 3. Or Antarctica..!!!

    • When wife say, "Woh Laa Do..."
    • It can be:
    • 1. Her Lipstick.
    • 2. Or milk from market.
    • 3. Or An AK 56..!!!

    • When wife says, "Yeh Kya Hai..??"
    • It can be:
    • 1. Your Pyjamas on the floor.
    • 2. Or beer 6-pack in fridge.
    • 3. Or a Drone flying over Afghanistan!

    • When wife says, "Tumhe Kabhi Kuch Samajh Nahi Aata..."
    • It can be about:
    • 1. A new mushy WhatsApp message.
    • 2. Or Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
    • 3. Or her latest spending spree in Mall...!

    • When wife says, "Ab Bohut Ho Gaya..."
    • It can be :
    • 1. The mascara she is putting.
    • 2. Or the amount of Anthrax that needs to be put in a Biological Weapon.
    • 3. Or the latest spat she had with your mother.

    • And....when wife says, "Main Kaisi Lag Rahi Hoon?"
    • It's GAME OVER.
    • It doesn't have any meaning... except confirmed annihilation.
    • It just puts you in a fix which Arjun had faced.... just before the War started...... in Mahabharata... as to whether you should follow Dharma ....or Karma.


    • Celebrities Express
    • Some new trains have been announced in the name of celebrities....

    • Modi Express: Will not stop anywhere till it reaches the destination.

    • Bappi Lahiri Express: Pull chain, another chain will be seen behind it.

    • Ekta Kapoor Express: Will come three times on the same platform in slow motion.

    • Amir Khan Express: Will run once in a year and pick the passengers as per its choice.

    • Salman Khan Express: Can run on footpath.

    • Manmohan Express: One and only silent train.

    • Dhoni Express: 95% journey @ 10km/hr and remaining 5% @ 400km/hr.

    • Mamata Express: Train will run in the opposite direction of destination. Rahul Gandhi Express: Will get derailed repeatedly.

    • Congress Express: An experienced driver in each coach, driver Of engine on leave.

    • Amit Shah Express: Covers the whole country except Delhi.

    • Kejriwal Express: Sure to start but no guarantee it will reach destination... could stop midway if driver decides to abandon train.

    • And finally, Indian Railways Ka Shaan.

    • Rajnikant Express: Train will remain static at one place and stations will come and go...
    • CELEBRITIES  50
    • Santa in USA
    • Ek Baar Santa USA Ghumne Gaya. Wahan Ek Din Jab Santa Shopping Kar Raha Tha Tabhi 1 Building Mein Aag Lag Gayi.

    • Santa Fire Brigade Waalon Se Bola: Tum Logon Ko Neeche Phenko, Main Sabko Catch Karunga!

    • Pehle 1 Ladka Aaya, Phir Ek Ladki. Phir Ek Aadmi, Phir Ek Aurat.

    • Santa Ne Sabko Pakad Liya.

    • Phir Ek Negro Aaya, Toh Santa Ne Chhod Diya!!!

    • Jab Fire Brigade Walon Ne Santa Se Poocha Ki Usne Negro Ko Kyun Nahin Pakda Toh Santa Bola: Abe Saalo, Jo Jal Gaye Hain Unko Toh Mat Phenko!!!
    • HINGLISH  106
    • Not For Sale
    • A picky lady customer at a Supermarket's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered.

    • "Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please," the picky lady says to the saleslady.

    • Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

    • "And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too."

    • Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

    • "And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

    • "Grapes, says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale!!!"
    • FUNNY  12
    • Mian-Biwi Ke Kisse
    • Husband: Tumne Pada... Akhbaar Mein Likha Hai Taaje Survey Se Pata Chala Hai Ki 25 Percent Auratein Maansik Bimari Ke Liye Medicines Leti Hain?
    • Wife: Toh Ismein Khaas Kya Hai?
    • Husband: Yeh Toh Bada Hi Darawani Type Ki News Hai.
    • Wife: Kyun?
    • Husband: Iska Matlab Hua Ki 75 Percent Ladies Bina Medicines Liye Ghoom Rahi Hain...!!!

    • Biwi Ne Namaaz Padhkar Dua Ke Liye Haath Uthaye, Par Kuchh Nahin Manga Aur haath Neeche Kar Liye!
    • Shauhar Yeh Sab Dekh Raha Tha, Toh Puchh Baitha: Yeh Kya? Dua Kyun Nahin Maangi?
    • Biwi: Maangne Hi Lagi Thi Ki 'Allah Aapki Tamaam Mushkilein Khatam Kar De' Phir Socha, Kahin Mujhe Hi Kuchh Na Ho Jaaye!

    • Patni: Aaakhir Aurat Kya-Kya Sambhaale...
    • Tumko Sambhaale,
    • Tumhare Bachche Sambhaale,
    • Tumhare Maa - Baap Ko Fambhaale
    • Yaa Phir Tumhara Ghar Sambhaale ???
    • Pati, Sukun Se: Agar Aurat Sirf Apni ZABAAN Sambhaal Le Toh Baaki Sab Apne-Aap Sambhal Jaayega 


    • Future PM!!!
    • Rahul Gandhi walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, would you please cash this cheque for me?"

    • Cashier: It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?

    • RG: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Vice President of the Congress Party. Future Indian PM.

    • Cashier: Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers and requirements etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

    • RG: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.

    • Cashier: I am sorry sir but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.

    • RG: I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.

    • Cashier: Look Sir here is an example of what we can do. One day, Sachin Tendulkar came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Sachin he pulled out his bat and played a beautiful shot across the bank. With that shot we knew him to be Sachin and cashed his cheque.

    • "Another time, Mahesh Bhupati came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and played a fabulous shot when the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, future Indian PM, Rahul Gandhi?

    • RG stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: Honestly, my mind is a total blank... There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do; I just don't have a clue.

    • Cashier: Sir, 500 or 1000 rupee notes?
    • NEWS AND POLITICS  46
    • Display of Authority
    • A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

    • The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

    • The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?

    • The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

    • Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified.

    • So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...."Your card! Show him Your card!"
    • FUNNY  7
    • The Rare Parrot
    • A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely.

    • For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

    • "Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

    • "The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

    • "You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

    • "Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"
    • FUNNY  14
    • Santa Quickies
    • Bank Manager Santa Ki Application Pe Ek Ajeeb Sa Signature Dekhta Hai... @/e
    • Bank manager: Ye Kaisa Ajeeb Sa Signature Hai? Aur Kiska Sign Hai Ye???
    • Santa: Ye Sign Meri Daadii Ka Hai!
    • Bank Manager: Aisa Ajeeb Sa Sign? Kya Naam Hai Unka?
    • Santa: Jalebi Baai...

    • Santa went to a restaurant in China
    • Chinese Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue and Frog Legs.
    • Santa: Yaar Tu Apni Problems Chhodd, Menu Card Le Aa...!!!

    • Subah Subah Jeeto Ne Santa Se Newspaper Maanga.
    • Santa: Kitni Backward Ho Tum, Duniya Kahan Se Kahan Pahunch Gayi Aur Tum Newspaper Maang Rahi Ho?? Ye Mera TAB Le Lo...
    • Jeeto Ne Tab Liya Aur Us Se Cockroach Maar Diya...
    • Santa Behosh... 
    • Moral: Biwi Jo Maange... De Do!!


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