My Favorites Best Quotes New


  • We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
  • from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are
  • all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

  • 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
  • it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
  • complaining about you leaving it down.

  • 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
  • it that way.

  • 1. Crying is blackmail.

  • 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
  • do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

  • 1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  • 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
  • That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  • 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

  • 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  • In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  • 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
  • us to act like soap opera guys.

  • 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

  • 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
  • ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  • 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
  • done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  • 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
  • during commercials.

  • 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

  • 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
  • for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
  • no idea what mauve is.

  • 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  • 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
  • like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
  • the hassle.

  • 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
  • answer you don't want to hear.

  • 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
  • Really.

  • 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
  • to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
  • trucks.

  • 1. You have enough clothes.

  • 1. You have too many shoes.

  • 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

  • 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
  • couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
  • camping.
  • =====================================
  • How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

  • A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

  • Officer: May I see your driver's license? 
  • Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. 

  • Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? 
  • Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. 

  • Officer: The car is stolen? 
  • Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. 

  • Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? 
  • Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

  • Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? 
  • Driver: Yes, sir. 

  • Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: 

  • Captain: Sir, can I see your license? 
  • Driver: Sure. Here it is. 

  • It was valid. 

  • Captain: Who's car is this? 
  • Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. 

  • The driver owned the car. 

  • Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? 
  • Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. 

  • Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. 

  • Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
  • Driver: No problem. 

  • Trunk is opened; no body. 

  • Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

  • Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
  • =====================================
  • If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love or they still are
  • =====================================
  • "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
  • =====================================
  • Feelings change - memories don't.
  • =====================================
  • Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened!
  • =====================================

  • A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
  • =====================================

  • When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
  • When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
  • When the funds are low and the debts are high
  • And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
  • When care is pressing you down a bit,
  • Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
  • Life is queer with its twists and turns,
  • As every one of us sometimes learns,
  • And many a failure turns about
  • When he might have won had he stuck it out;
  • Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
  • You may succeed with another blow,
  • Success is failure turned inside out--
  • The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
  • And you never can tell how close you are,
  • It may be near when it seems so far;
  • So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
  • It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
  • =====================================
  • Read this "HATE letter". It is so funny and creative. This is a loveletter from a boy to a girl.... However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop their relationship......and so..the boy wrote this letter to the girl..he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter..

  • 1 "The great love that I have for you
  • 2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
  • 3 grows every day. When I see you,
  • 4 I do not even like your face;
  • 5 the one thing that I want to do is to
  • 6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
  • 7 marry you. Our last conversation
  • 8 was very boring and has not
  • 9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
  • 10 You think only of yourself.
  • 11 If we were married, I know that I would find
  • 12 life very difficult, and I would have no
  • 13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
  • 14 to give, but it is not something that
  • 15 I want to give to you. No one is more
  • 16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
  • 17 able to care for me and help me.
  • 18 I sincerely want you to understand that
  • 19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
  • 20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
  • 21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
  • 22 things that do not interest me. You have no
  • 23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
  • 24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
  • 25 I am still your boyfriend."

  • =====================================
  • Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest... It's about who came, and never left your side..



  • Last night i sent an angel to watch over u while u were sleeping. It came back early and i asked it why? Its said "Angels dont watch other Angels"
  • =====================================
  • A man wants to be a woman's first love; a woman wants to be his last.
  • =====================================
  • Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over.
  • =====================================
  • Someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you've always wanted. If your someday was yesterday, learn. If your someday is tomorrow, hope. If your someday is today, cherish.
  • =====================================
  • Love is when you can't be apart from someone for too 
  • long...you're always thinking of them, and when you're with them you never want to say goodbye. Love is far from simple. It's quite complex. It's a mix of about everything. It's 
  • sadness, joy, passion, hatred, excitement, it's almost 
  • every feeling you can imagine and more. You know love when you 
  • find it, it's that person that when they smile it brightens 
  • up your day, you can't stop staring at them for fear of losing 
  • them, they're always on your mind, you daydream of being with 
  • them, even if they're less than 20 feet away...and you 
  • can't stand it when they're not with you, the worst feeling you 
  • could ever feel is when you know that person you love is not with you...you can't tell when love will happen, you just know when it does, that moment when you first lay eyes on that person, and you never want to look away...that is love. Nothing less.
  • =====================================
  • "My friends are always telling me to move on, to give up. But why? Why should I? They don't see you the way that I see you. They don't look into your eyes and see the world. Why would they understand? They can't possibly imagine what it means to look at your best friend and see all their hopes and dreams come true. I wish for once, just once, they could walk a mile in my shoes. But they wouldn't need to walk that far, they would just take one step and suddenly, they would take back every bit of 'getting over you' advice they had ever given me and realize you're my life, you were meant for me, and that moving on or giving up is simply not an option."
  • =====================================

  • Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
  • =====================================
  • If you love someone tell them... because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken.
  • =====================================
  • Promises mean everything, but after they are broken, sorry means nothing.
  • =====================================
  • Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain.
  • =====================================

  • I've learned that things change, people change, and it doesn't mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on and treasure the memories. Letting go doesn't mean giving up... it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be."
  • =====================================
  • Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
  • Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
  • Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
  • Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
  • Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
  • It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
  • If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
  • You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
  • The clock is running!! Make the most of today.

  • To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

  • To realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

  • To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

  • To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

  • To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed a train.

  • To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask someone who just avoided an accident.

  • To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.

  • Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.

  • Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.
  • =====================================
  • Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
  • =====================================
  • "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no f***ing way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that s**t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say "oh s**t I'm sorry I thought paper would protect you, a**hole."
  • =====================================
  • So... the elephant says to the camel "why do you have 2 boobs on your back?" the camel replies "that's a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face"
  • =====================================
  • When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
  • =====================================
  • I am Thankful : 

  • FOR THE WIFE 
  • WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, 
  • BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, 
  • AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 

  • FOR THE HUSBAND 
  • WHO IS ON THE SOFA 
  • BEING A COUCH POTATO, 
  • BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME 
  • AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS. 

  • FOR THE TEENAGER 
  • WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, 
  • NOT ON THE STREETS. 

  • FOR THE TAXES I PAY 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • I AM EMPLOYED. 

  • FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE 
  • BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. 

  • FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. 

  • FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE 

  • FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
  • WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, 
  • AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. 

  • FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING 
  • I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.. 

  • FOR THE PARKING SPOT 
  • I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING 
  • AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION. 

  • FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • I AM WARM. 

  • FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH 
  • WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • I CAN HEAR. 

  • FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS 
  • I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. 

  • FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES 
  • AT THE END OF THE DAY 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN 
  • CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. 

  • FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF 
  • IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS 
  • BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.
  • =====================================
  • A champion is someone who gets up, even when he can't.
  • =====================================
  • I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
  • =====================================
  • Having a guy dump you and say "We can still be friends"
  • Is like having your mom say "Your dog died but you can still keep it"

  • =====================================

  • Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
  • =====================================
  • The words that escape a friend's mouth are "I'll be there when you say you need me" but the words that are unheard from a true friend's heart are "I'll be there... whether you say you need me or not."
  • =====================================
  • random things that are useless
  • *Ducks quacks don't echo. No one knows why. 
  • *Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor. 
  • *We shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime. 
  • *Like fingerprints, everyones tongueprint is different. 
  • *Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people 
  • *A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day 
  • *In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum 
  • *"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". 
  • *A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 
  • *Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it. 
  • *Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn't wear pants. 
  • *The longest word in the English language is pneumonoultramicr===oscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. 
  • *111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
  • *The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 
  • *The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet. 
  • *If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow. 
  • *The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. 
  • *Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots. 
  • *40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance.
  • *Most toliets flush in E-flat.
  • *It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear. 
  • *The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. 
  • *In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
  • *A hummingbird weighs less than a penny. 
  • *The longest one-syllable word is "screeched." 
  • *Frowning burns more calories than smiling. 
  • *1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet. 
  • *The average woman consumes 6 pounds of lipstick in her lifetime. 
  • *The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps.
  • *If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white. 
  • *A ball of glass will bounce higher that a ball of rubber. 
  • *Children grow faster in the spring. 
  • *On average, a human being will spend up to 2 weeks kissing in his/her lifetime. 
  • *Mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. 
  • *A sneeze travels out of your mouth at over100 miles per hour. 
  • *Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food.
  • *A "dude" is an infected hair on an elephants butt. 
  • *The average person has a total of 6 pounds of skin. 
  • *Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. 
  • *On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily. 
  • *On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. 
  • *Red is the most commonly colored vehical involved in accidents each year.
  • *The swastika was origionaly a symbol of peace and honor and is still used by Buddhists today.
  • *Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • *Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump." 
  • *In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
  • *American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. 
  • *The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 
  • *Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes
  • =====================================
  • Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  • =====================================
  • Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and b****-slap the mother-f***er upside the head.
  • =====================================
  • God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
  • =====================================

  • A guy and a girl can be friends. But sooner or later one will fall for the other. Maybe too early, maybe too late, but maybe, just maybe forever.
  • =====================================
  • Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear
  • =====================================
  • Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
  • =====================================s
  • I can't make you love me,want me,or understand me..All I can do Is hope that someday you will
  • =====================================
  • The shortest word I know is "I". The sweetest word I know is "LOVE".
  • And the person I never forget is "YOU".
  • =====================================
  • I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either.
  • =====================================
  • "I was finally getting over you and actually believing I didn't need you. I was finally accepting you had another girl. Then you smiled at me and ruined it all."
  • =====================================
  • Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option
  • =====================================
  • If you count all the stars in the sky,
  • all the grains of sand in the oceans, all the roses in the world and all the smiles that have ever been, then you will have a sample of how much I love you.
  • =====================================
  • Actual Answering Machine Messages.
  • *My wife and i can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

  • *This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.

  • *Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is john's refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

  • *Hi. Now YOU say something.

  • *Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, its you.

  • *Hello!If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
  • =====================================
  • No one will win the battle of the sexes; there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
  • =====================================

  • 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 

  • 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

  • 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

  • 4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 

  • 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 

  • 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

  • 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

  • 8. It's okay to get angry with God. He can take it. 

  • 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 

  • 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

  • 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 

  • 12. It's okay to let your children see you cry.

  • 13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 

  • 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 

  • 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

  • 16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying. 

  • 17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today. 

  • 18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

  • 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 

  • 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 

  • 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 

  • 22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

  • 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 

  • 24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

  • 25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 

  • 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" 

  • 27. Always choose life.

  • 28. Forgive everyone everything.

  • 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

  • 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 

  • 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

  • 32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. 

  • 33. Believe in miracles.

  • 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 

  • 35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

  • 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 

  • 37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

  • 38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion. 

  • 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

  • 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. 

  • 41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 

  • 42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

  • 43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

  • 44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

  • 45. The best is yet to come. 

  • 46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

  • 47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

  • 48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

  • 49. Yield.

  • 50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. 


  • "A REAL FRIEND IS ONE WHO WALKS IN WHEN 
  • THE REST OF THE WORLD WALKS OUT
  • =====================================
  • Although you may not love me, although you may not care. If you shall ever need me, you know that I'll be there. Your love may all be taken, your heart may not be free, but when your heart is broken, you can always lean on me. I'll never stop loving you, I know because I tried. All the oceans in the world, can't hold the tears I've cried.
  • =====================================
  • If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them



  • True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
  • She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

  • The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
  • -=====================================
  • Suggestions For Women To Respond To Pickup Lines

  • "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
  • "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." 

  • He: So what do you do for a living?
  • She: Female impersonator.

  • "Is this seat empty?"
  • "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

  • "So, wanna go back to my place?"
  • "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

  • "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
  • "It's in the phone book."
  • "But I don't know your name."
  • "That's in the phone book too."

  • "What sign were you born under?"
  • "No Parking."

  • "I know how to please a woman."
  • "Then please leave me alone."

  • "Haven't we met before?"
  • "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

  • "I want to give myself to you."
  • "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

  • "I can tell that you want me."
  • "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."

  • "Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
  • "Stop."

  • "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
  • "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

  • "May I see you pretty soon?"
  • "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

  • "Your body is like a temple."
  • "Sorry, there are no services today."

  • "I'd go through anything for you."
  • "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

  • "I would go to the end of the world for you."
  • "Yes, but would you stay there?"


  • "Your place or mine?"
  • "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

  • After hearing a pickup line:
  • I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

  • If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
  • say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken."

  • He: Would you like to dance?
  • She: Not with you.
  • He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.

  • He: Do you wanna dance?
  • She: Yeah but not with you!
  • He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

  • Q: Does beauty run in your family?
  • A: It obviously doesn't in yours!

  • Q: What's your name sexy?
  • A: Taken!

  • Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
  • A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!

  • Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
  • A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!

  • He: Your legs go clear up to your a**.
  • She: Most peoples' do!

  • Q: Can I buy you a drink?
  • A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!

  • "You look like a dream."
  • Response: "Go back to sleep."

  • He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
  • She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?

  • "I can see forever in your eyes."
  • Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."

  • "I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
  • Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk."
  • =====================================
  • Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
  • =====================================
  • The next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water
  • =====================================
  • "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it."
  • =====================================
  • At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants. 
  • At age 12 success is having friends. 
  • At age 16 success is having a drivers license. 
  • At age 20 success is having sex. 
  • At age 35 success is having money. 
  • At age 50 success is having money. 
  • At age 60 success is having sex. 
  • At age 70 success is having a drivers license. 
  • At age 75 success is having friends. 
  • At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
  • =====================================

  • Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
  • =====================================
  • You will always be the answer, when somebody asks me what I'm thinking about.
  • =====================================
  • I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.
  • =====================================
  • Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour when your sun isn't around.



  • Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
  • =====================================
  • I think that the only reason people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only things that dont change; when everybody else does.
  • =====================================
  • The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
  • =====================================
  • The longer the explanation, the bigger the lie.
  • =====================================
  • WHAT IS LOVE?
  • Love is a slow kiss goodnight, It's anticipation.
  • Love is flirting ourtageously and still remembering that the person at your side is not obligated to do anything, It's respect.
  • Love is an imperfection in your self not bothering you, it's acceptance.
  • Love is passing up an opportunity because the time isn't right yet, It's patience.
  • Love is a back massage that starts above the hairline and ends around the insoles, it's exploration.
  • Love doesn not have to say, "lets make love," because you know what the other person wants, it understands.
  • Love is being given an honest chance to say no when you thought you were committed, it's consideration.
  • Love is both of you remembering protection, it's responsibility.
  • Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles, it's humor.
  • Love is being told "stop and i'll kill you." It's desire.
  • Love is reviewing the damge to your living room and realizing personal effects are strewn in a clockwise pattern from the front door the to bedroom, it's abandonment.
  • Love is seeing what your love really looks like for the first time, it's truth.
  • Love is knowing what time it is and not caring, it's joy.
  • Love is the arms around you tightening their embrace, it's ecstacy.
  • Love is seeing a new side of a person you thought you knew, it's renewal.
  • Love is telling a person if you have to leave, you will let them sleep, and being told they would rathr be woken, it's tenderness.
  • Love is waking up to find the subject of the dream you were having asleep on your shoulder, it's where fantasy meets reality.
  • Love is being there to wake your lover slowly, it's sensuousness.
  • Love belatedly knows why you bothered to buy a queen-sized bed three years ago, it's practicality.
  • Love is two people only taking up a third of a queen-sized bed, it's closeness.
  • Love knows you gave the extra set of keys to your apartment to the right person, its trust.
  • Love is saying good-bye and knowing you will be back by mutual consent, its faith.
  • Love is stretching your arms and discovering the real meaning of the word "sore" it's a lesson in human frailty.
  • Love is opening your medicine cabinet finding your tube of toothpaste turned into a prezel, it's adaptation.
  • Love is sitting at the window, looking out and remembering who you were with the night before, it's reflection.
  • Love is hearing the weather forecast for a winter storm and wishing you could spend it in bed with your lover, it's loneliness.
  • Love is stories that will never be told, it's personal.
  • =====================================
  • LITTLE TONY FROM BROOKLYN ON MATH

  • A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.

  • He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

  • The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

  • Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

  • "There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

  • The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

  • To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on'," but I like your thinking."


  • LITTLE TONY ON MATH

  • Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

  • "Why?" asks the father.

  • "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

  • "But that's right !" says his dad.

  • "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

  • "What's the f ** king difference ?" asks the father.

  • "That's what I said !"


  • LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

  • Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

  • Little TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."

  • Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

  • Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."


  • LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

  • Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

  • The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

  • Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

  • Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"


  • LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

  • One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

  • First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

  • "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

  • "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

  • She said, "Excellent, Michael !"
  • Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

  • "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just f ** king beautiful !'"


  • LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

  • Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

  • After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

  • Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

  • The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

  • Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f ** king business."


  • I LOVE Little Tony !!!!!
  • =====================================

  • Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
  • =====================================
  • 15 things you probably never knew or thought about....

  • 1. At least five people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
  • 2. At least fifteen people in this world love you in some way.
  • 3. The only reason anyones would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
  • 4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
  • 5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
  • 6. You mean the world to someone.
  • 7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
  • 8. You are special and unique.
  • 9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
  • 10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
  • 11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
  • 12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
  • 13. Always remember the compliments you recieved. Forget the rude remarks.
  • 14. Always tell soemone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
  • 15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
  • =====================================
  • I really think there's a reason that I like him so much. Like something is telling me not to let him go. Every time I follow my heart... it leads me to him. I mean... what other explanation is there. Why is it that he is all I can think about? Why is it that no matter how upset I am... I see him and I can't help but smile? Why is it that when he smiles at me... I get that feeling in my stomach? And even when he'd broken my heart, and hurt me as much as anyone could ever hurt me... when he lied to me... and I hated him... why then did I still feel those same feelings? Answer me that, and then I'll tell you why I let him hurt me so much.
  • =====================================
  • On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." 
  • So God agreed. 

  • On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
  • And God agreed. 

  • On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
  • The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." 
  • And God agreed again. 

  • On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
  • Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" 

  • Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." 

  • So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

  • Life has now been explained to you.
  • =====================================

  • Why Girls Love Guys:
  • 1.The way they act so innocent sometimes
  • 2.The way they laugh
  • 3.The way they smile
  • 4.The way they get confused
  • 5.The way they look into your eyes and make everything even just for a second go away
  • 6.The way they touch you just to let you know he is there
  • 7.The way they try to defend themselves when you tease them
  • 8.The way he stares at you when you are walking down the hall even though his best friend is telling him the scores of last nights big game
  • 9.The way they seem to pop out of nowhere and slip their arms around you
  • 10.The way you fit just right in his arms
  • 11.The way he gets embarrassed when he does something clutzy around you and tries to cover it up
  • 12.The way they kiss you when you just had a big fight
  • 13.The way they kiss you when your day has gone completely wrong
  • 14.Actually just the way they kiss you
  • 15.The way when you hug them they feel exactly like your childhood teddy bear
  • 16.The way they can stay on the phone for hours even if he doesnt have much to say
  • 17.The way he looks at you when he thinks you are asleep
  • 18.The way he says "you look beautiful" even though you are just in jeans and a t-shirt
  • 19.The way they stare at you in class and then still stare after he has gotten in trouble for not paying attention
  • 20. The way they say "I LOVE YOU"
  • -=====================================
  • "I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go."
  • =====================================
  • Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
  • =====================================
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
  • =====================================
  • Laugh when you can,
  • apologize when you should,
  • and let go of what you can't change. 

  • Kiss slowly, 
  • play hard, 
  • forgive quickly, 
  • take chances, 
  • give everything 
  • and have no regrets. 

  • Life's too short to be anything…but happy.
  • =====================================
  • Life's Highs...

  • 1. Laughing hysterically
  • 2. Dancing your heart out
  • 3. Star gazing
  • 4. Shopping
  • 5. Going to the beach
  • 6. Listening to the rain
  • 7. Ice-cream on a hot day
  • 8. Feeling wanted
  • 9. Getting that warm, fuzzy feeling when you think about the one you love
  • 10. ReceIving text messages
  • 11. Personal jokes
  • 12. ComplIments
  • 13. Late night phone calls
  • 14. Christmas
  • 15. Hugs
  • 16. Kisses
  • 17. Knowing someone misses you
  • 18. Knowing someone is thinking of you
  • 19. Good dreams
  • 20. Skipping school for a day
  • 21. Lying on the grass starring into the sky
  • 22. Going up to the snow
  • 23. Jumping into a warm bed on a cold night
  • 24. Seeing your guys/girls name on your mobile when it rings
  • 25. Your first kiss 
  • 26. Talking for hours about absolutely nothing
  • 27. Looking back on the laughs
  • 28. Receiving presents
  • 29. Giving presents
  • 30. Birthdays
  • 31. Air conditioning when it's hot
  • 32. Being full of energy
  • 33. Seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend
  • 34. Watching someone do something stupid, and them thinking no one saw
  • 35. Nice smelling perfume/cologne/deodorant
  • 36. Good hair days
  • 37. Turning on the radio to hear that your favourite song is being played
  • 38. Running into an old friend
  • 39. Strolling along the pier at night
  • 40. Finding $5 on the ground
  • 41. Being home alone
  • 42. Reading a good magazine
  • 43. Sun baking
  • 44. Sleeping in
  • 45. Watching the sun come up
  • 46. Seeing a shooting star
  • 47. Waking up to find the person you love in your arms
  • 48. Weekends
  • 49. Holidays
  • 50. Jumping on a trampoline
  • 51. Sitting infront on the fire on a cold evening
  • 52. Smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
  • 53. Singing into your hairbrush in your room
  • 54. Bubble baths
  • 55. Turning up your sterio as loud as it will go
  • 56. Being so happy it makes you cry
  • 57. Summer
  • 58. Finally completing somthing you started a long time ago
  • 58. Achieving a long time goal
  • 59. Warm nights
  • 60. Falling in love...
  • =====================================

  • Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times an dthe confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend hold your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.
  • =====================================
  • I wanna be remembered as the girl who always smiled.
  • the one who could always brighten your day.
  • even if she couldnt brighten her own
  • =====================================
  • Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
  • =====================================
  • 19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity 

  • 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 

  • 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 

  • 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 

  • 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 

  • 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 

  • 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors" 

  • 7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 

  • 8. Don't Use Any Punctuation 

  • 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 

  • 10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 

  • 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 

  • 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 

  • 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 

  • 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 

  • 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood. 

  • 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard". 

  • 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!" 

  • 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 

  • 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."



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