new jokes fun




  • Young Wife!
  • A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.

  • When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

  • "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"

  • "Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
  • MARRIAGE  24
  • Obituary!
  • Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.

  • One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.

  • "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

  • Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."

  • "Brad, open the newspaper to page 5."

  • "Why, what's in the paper?"

  • "Brad, get the paper and open it to page 5 now!"

  • "Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 5?"

  • "Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."

  • "Why? What's that story on?"

  • "Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"

  • "Ok, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.

  • Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"
  • FUNNY  7
  • Blind Date!
  • Santa sets up Banta to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Banta is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

  • "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Banta, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

  • "Don't worry." Santa says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

  • So that night, Banta knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Banta's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"
  • SANTABANTA  153
  • Speeding ticket!
  • Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

  • Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

  • Woman: Oh, I see.

  • Officer: Can I see your license please?

  • Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

  • Officer: Don't have one?

  • Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

  • Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

  • Woman: I can't do that.

  • Officer: Why not?

  • Woman: I stole this car.

  • Officer: Stole it?

  • Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner.

  • Officer: You what?

  • Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

  • The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

  • Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

  • Woman: Is there a problem sir?

  • Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner.

  • Woman: Murdered the owner?

  • Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please.

  • The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

  • Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

  • Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

  • The officer is quite stunned.

  • Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license.

  • The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

  • Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner.

  • Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding too?



  • Constipation Problem
  • An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

  • "It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

  • "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

  • "Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

  • "No," the doctor said, `I mean do you take anything?"

  • "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
  • DOCTORS  120
  • Weird Dreams!
  • Preeto went to see a psychiatrist about her husband Santa (he wouldn't go with her).

  • "Doctor, my husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

  • "My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

  • Preeto leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence, "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Santa sleeps with his mouth open and his little light keeps me awake!"
  • SANTABANTA  68
  • Fresh Oyesters!
  • A blonde woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

  • The Doctor asked, "What did you have for dinner last night?"

  • "Oysters," she replied.

  • "Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

  • "How should I know?" said the lady.

  • "Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

  • "Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"
  • BLONDES  26
  • A short history of medicine
  • Doctor, I have an ear ache.

  • 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

  • 1000 B.C. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

  • 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

  • 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

  • 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

  • 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root
  • ==========================
  • Great Writer!
  • There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

  • When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

  • He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
  • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  147
  • Your Prayers were answered
  • A young man, living away from home, writes to his parents:

  • Dear folks,
  • I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

  • Your son,
  • Marvin.

  • P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

  • A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said:

  • Dear Son,
  • Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."
  • FUNNY  48
  • Newly Married Bride
  • Once a mother-in-law explaining the working of her house to her newly married Daughter-in-law.

  • She said, "I am the home minister as well as the finance minister of this house. Your Father in law is the Foreign minister of this house. My son, that is your husband, heads the ministry of demand and supply and my daughter that is your husband's sister, runs the planning & development ministry........!!!

  • "Now you tell which ministry would you like to run.......?????"

  • The daughter -in-law with a smile instantly replied, "Well, dear mother in law I will be running the OPPOSITION!!!!!!!"
  • MARRIAGE  102
  • A Scene in 2020...
  • Operator: Hello Domino's!

  • Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?

  • Operator: Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first, Sir?

  • Customer: Yeah! Hold on..... My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610

  • Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.

  • Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers?

  • Operator: We are connected to the system, Sir.

  • Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza...

  • Operator: That's not a good idea Sir.

  • Customer: How come?

  • Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir.

  • Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?

  • Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.

  • Customer: How do you know for sure?

  • Operator: You borrowed a book titled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir.

  • Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.

  • Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.

  • Customer: Can I pay by credit card?

  • Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs. 1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

  • Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.

  • Operator: You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've exhausted even your overdraft limit.

  • Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?

  • Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.

  • Customer: What?

  • Operator: According to the details in the system , you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.

  • Customer: "????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too!)

  • Operator: Is there anything else, sir?

  • Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?

  • Operator: We normally would sir, but based on your records, you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.

  • Customer: (now pissed) ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))

  • Operator: Better mind your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman...?

  • Customer faints...


  • What a relief!
  • Banta tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

  • The weeks later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

  • "Oh good," Banta responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

  • "Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."

  • "I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
  • SANTABANTA  33
  • 24 Hour Service
  • Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched ths small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read:

  • "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

  • After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."

  • "Won't be ready till Saturday," replied the proprietor.

  • "But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

  • "We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
  • FUNNY  25
  • Your time is up!
  • Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

  • Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

  • His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him: "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

  • Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

  • He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"
  • CHILDREN  163
  • Keep it short!
  • At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

  • A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."

  • The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, stupid."


  • Technically Blonde
  • A blonde went to an electronic shop in anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from whom she bought.

  • She told the salesman, "You have cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop."

  • Salesman: "Madam, can you please try in front of me."

  • This is what she did:

  • 1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
  • 2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
  • 3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
  • 4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option. Salesman fainted....
  • BLONDES  112
  • Future Plans
  • Now that they've retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future.

  • "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

  • After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

  • Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

  • He replied, "Probably the same thing."
  • MARRIAGE  33
  • It's a Small World
  • Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace.

  • Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

  • His boss asks what the problem is.

  • "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.

  • Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

  • Joe asked, "What's wrong?"

  • "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."
  • GOLF  35
  • Praise The Lord
  • A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the lord."

  • This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "There is no Lord."

  • One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.

  • The next morning the lady screamed, "Praise the Lord, who gave me this food."

  • The neighbor screamed, "It wasn't the Lord, it was me."

  • The lady replied, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!"


  • Report Card
  • Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
  • "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

  • Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
  • CHILDREN  101
  • Heavily Drunk
  • A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.

  • "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."

  • "Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

  • So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.

  • "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.

  • The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."
  • SANTABANTA  84
  • Whose Mom!!!
  • Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O' Clock.

  • Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. For how many days is she going to stay?

  • Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming.

  • Wife: Wow really! mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver, please ­call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will get up early and make breakfast. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.
  • MARRIAGE  136
  • Ten Best Remarks by a Caddie
  • 10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
  • Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?

  • 9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
  • Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

  • 8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
  • Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

  • 7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
  • Caddy: Eventually.

  • 6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
  • Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

  • 5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
  • Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass.

  • 4. Golfer: How do you like my game?
  • Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.

  • 3. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
  • Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

  • 2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
  • Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.

  • and the #1 best caddy comment

  • 1. Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
  • Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.


  • Hungry Snake!
  • Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

  • The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

  • An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth.
  • ANIMAL KINGDOM  31
  • Official Visit!
  • A newly appointed health minister of a northern state whose knowledge of English was somewhat elementary was on his first official visit to the largest hospital in the capital.

  • The Director of Medical Services took the minister round the operating theaters and general wards till they came to the women patients' section.

  • 'This, sir, is the labour ward,' explained the director.

  • The minister stopped in his tracks and said firmly, 'I will not visit this ward. Don't you know we have a labour minister in the government? I must not trespass into his domain.'
  • NEWS AND POLITICS  107
  • Definitions of Designations
  • Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

  • Consultant is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

  • Site Engineer is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

  • Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

  • Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

  • Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

  • Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

  • Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

  • Third party auditor is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

  • HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

  • FUNNY  59
  • Little Johnny Farts in Class
  • Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.

  • The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"

  • Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out."

  • The principal says, "Well then, why are you laughing?"

  • Little Johnny says, "Because the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air."


  • Pakistani Air-Force
  • Yahya Khan, trying to persuade a yokel to volunteer for the Pakistani Air force.

  • He took him inside the aircraft and explained: "You press this yellow button and the engine will start. Then you press the red one and the plane will take off. It is all very simple."

  • "But how do I bring the plane down?" asked the yokel, puzzled.

  • "You don't have to brother about that," explained Yahya Khan. "Leave that to the Indian Air Force."
  • FUNNY   
  • Husband's revenge!
  • A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay.

  • The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

  • She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so...

  • The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased.

  • Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?"

  • He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card."

  • MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Lumpy Farts!!!
  • Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

  • First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

  • Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

  • Second little boy, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

  • Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

  • The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

  • "OK, then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Never ask a woman her age
  • Nurse to Patient: How old are you, Mrs.Smith?

  • Patient: None of your business.

  • Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.

  • Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?

  • Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

  • Patient: All Right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?

  • Nurse: Zero.

  • Patient: And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.


  • A sudden change of mind!
  • My Dearest Susan,
  • Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? 

  • You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you.

  • I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

  • Yours always and truly,
  • George

  • P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Daring Husband
  • A famous inspirational speaker said:

  • "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."

  • Audience was in shock and silence.

  • He added: "She was my mother."
  • (A big round of plause & laughter)

  • A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

  • After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
  • "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"

  • Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker...
  • .
  • .
  • .
  • By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!

  • Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.
  • MARRIAGE   
  • What gender is computer?
  • A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 

  • 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

  • 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

  • A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

  • Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

  • The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

  • 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

  • 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

  • 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

  • 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

  • (THIS GETS BETTER!)

  • The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 

  • 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

  • 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

  • 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,

  • but half the time they ARE the problem; and

  • 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

  • The women won.
  • FUNNY   
  • Real Situation for India- Pak nuclear war!
  • During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.

  • That was their scenario.

  • Now India Vs Pakistan Scenario

  • If there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan. The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.

  • Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

  • But they need permission from the Government of India.

  • They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.

  • The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a re- launch are still on.

  • Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.

  • A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.

  • Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM. Fortunately, there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early.

  • In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight. The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission.

  • But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision. Human chains are formed and Rasta Rokos organised. In California ...and .....Washington , endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government, mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".

  • On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fish.

  • A missile (smuggled by Pakistan from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it therefore hits its original destination: Russia.

  • Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits to Pakistan.

  • Thus India never gets to launch the missile.

  • Pakistan never gets it right.

  • And we live happily since!


  • Married Soldier!
  • Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

  • 1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?

  • 2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

  • 1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!
  • FUNNY  245
  • Speeding Ticket!
  • A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

  • She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
  • BLONDES  27
  • Drunkard's Truth!
  • Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

  • "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.

  • Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. 

  • Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

  • The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

  • Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
  • BAR  40
  • Remedy for Hiccups!
  • Santa went into a drug store and asked the pharmacist if he could give him something for hiccups.

  • Without warning, the pharmacist suddenly reached out and slapped Santa hard across the face.

  • "What did you do that for?" asked Santa indignantly.

  • "Well, you haven't got hiccups any more, have you?"

  • "I haven't got hiccups - my wife has!" replied Santa!


  • Henpecked Share Broker
  • The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry", she said, "Mr. Natrajan is on another line".

  • "Oh, I'd only like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

  • "He's talking to his wife", the secretary replied, "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
  • MARRIAGE  18
  • Sound Requests
  • Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparent's house. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs:

  • "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEWiPod. I PRAY FOR A NEW Play Station..."

  • His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

  • To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
  • CHILDREN  86
  • What's a Breathalyzer?
  • "Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a Breathalyzer?" asked one drink to his friend at the next barstool.

  • "Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

  • "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"
  • BAR  21
  • The Strongest Weightlifter!!!
  • After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.

  • Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.

  • When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:

  • "Thanks for the treat!"
  • "The World's Fastest Runner
  • =======================
  • Adam's Suit!
  • A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

  • "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

  • "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

  • With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
  • CHILDREN   
  • Keep your Mouth Closed
  • A gentleman travelled all the way from Islamabad to Karachi to have an aching tooth taken out.

  • The Karachi dentist said, "Surely you have dentist in Islamabad! You did not have to come all this way to have your teeth attended to."

  • "We have no choice. In Islamabad we are not allowed to open our mouths," replied the man with the aching tooth.
  • NEWS AND POLITICS   
  • Father's Occupation!!!
  • "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.

  • "He's a magician," said the small boy.

  • "How interesting! What's his favourite trick?"

  • "Sawing people in half."

  • "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

  • "Yes. One half-brother and two half-sisters."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Billing Question
  • A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

  • The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

  • The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."



  • The Servants of the People!
  • An American delegation on a visit to India were being shown round the capital. In the evening they were taken to the Secretariat for a panoramic view of Vijay Chowk and Rajpath. Came the closing hour and thousands upon thousands of clerks poured out of their offices. The place was crammed with bicycles and pedestrians.

  • 'Who are all these people?' asked the leader of the American delegation.

  • 'They are the common people of India; the real rulers of the country,' proudly replied the minister accompanying the visitors.

  • A few minutes later came a fleet of flag - bearing limousines escorted by pilots on motorcycles followed by jeeps full of armed policemen.

  • 'And who are these?' asked the American.

  • 'These are us,' replied the minister with the same pride, 'the servants of the people.'
  • NEWS AND POLITICS  59
  • Men are Better Friends!
  • Women:
  • A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.

  • The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

  • Men:
  • A husband was not at home for a whole night. So, he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.

  • The wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
  • FUNNY  192
  • The Baby Camel
  • One day, a baby camel and its father had a conversation.

  • Baby Camel: Dad, why do we have humps on our backs?

  • Father Camel: Well, son, our humps contain the fat necessary to sustain us though all the days when we're out in the desert.

  • Baby Camel: Oh, okay. Dad, why do we have long eyelashes?

  • Father Camel: They're to protect our eyes from the sandstorms which rage in the desert.

  • Baby Camel: I get it now. Dad, why do we have big padded feet?

  • Father Camel: Because the sand in the desert is very soft and we need big feet so that we can walk on the sand without sinking.

  • Baby Camel: Thanks, Dad. So what are we doing in London Zoo?
  • ANIMAL KINGDOM  197
  • Implications of Mahabharata on Today's World!
  • What would happen If Mahabharata would happen in this era.... Enjoy Reading:

  • 1. Kauravas would have starved to death with only 9 subsidized LPG cylinders for 102 of them.

  • 2. When Bheem meets Hanuman, he would hand him t-shirts saying, 'Being Hanuman,' and then run him over.

  • 3. Duryodhana would claim he did Draupadi's vastraharan because she didn't call him, "Bhaiya."

  • 4. Media would target Shree Krishna as Dwarka was in Gujarat.

  • 5. Duryodhan would get Draupadi arrested u/s 66A of IT Act for updating her FB status; "Andhe ka putra andha hi hoga."

  • 6. Draupadi would have been sobbing in a Satyameva Jayate episode.

  • 7. Nandan Nilkeni would go mad during AADHAR data collection at the Kaurava household.

  • 8. India TV headlines will be 'Draupdi ki saaree ka raaz, khulega Aaj, theek raat 8 baze!

  • 9. TV reporters will ask Bheesm Pitamah on the bed of arrows: "How are you feeling? Kaise lag raha hai?"

  • 10. After 13 years of Vanwaass Pandavas would have turned into Naxals.

  • 11. News channels would pay millions for exclusive rights for live telecast of Draupadi's vastraharan.

  • 12. Abhimanyu would have got the GYAN that getting out of Chakravyuh was easier than booking a Tatkal ticket on IRCTC."

  • 13. Aishwarya would've replaced by Draupadi in L'Oreal shampoo advt. "5 problems, 1 solution."

  • 14. Sanjaya would have minted billions by selling satellite rights for the kurukshetra war.

  • 15. Barkha's show would be renamed: 'The Yudh Stops Here'; Sagarika's: 'Face the Yudh' and Arnab's: 'The Yud Hour'

  • 16. Only ND Tiwari will come close to having 100 children.

  • 17. US would be begging India to share the Dron'e technology with them.

  • 18. Lord Krishna will be Political Guru & Shakuni will be Management Guru.

  • 19. There would be a 'Justice for Kauravas' campaign by Civil Society at India Gate against Pandavas for massacring the whole family.

  • 20. Pandavas would have had to shift frequently because DLF and Jaypee Group would frequently take over jungles for housing projects


  • Pure Business
  • Dad: "I Want you to marry a girl of my choice."

  • Son: "No."

  • Dad: "But the girl is bill Gates` daughter."

  • Son: "Ok, I am ready to marry."

  • Dad Goes to Bill Gates.

  • Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

  • Bill Gates: "No"

  • Dad: "My son is the CEO of The World Bank."

  • Bill Gates: "Then Ok"

  • Dad goes to the President of the World Bank.

  • Dad: "Appoint my Son as the CEO of your Bank."

  • President: "No!"

  • Dad: "He is Son-In-Law of Bill Gates."

  • President: "Then Ok!"

  • This is called Pure Business.
  • FUNNY  598
  • Bad News!
  • After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

  • Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

  • When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

  • "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
  • FUNNY  38
  • Blind Date!
  • Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

  • When the girl got back from the date she said, "That was the worst night of my life!"

  • "Why is that?" her mom asked.

  • "He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!"

  • "Isn't that a good thing?"

  • "He's the original owner mom!"
  • FUNNY  93
  • New Chauffeur!
  • Santa hired a new chauffeur.

  • Jeeto asked the chauffer to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.

  • Back home, she pleaded with Santa, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."

  • "Darling, don't be so hasty," replied Santa, "give him another chance.


  • A Diamond is Forever
  • A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

  • Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

  • "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"

  • "Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

  • "My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

  • "Yes, but a diamond is forever."

  • "Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
  • MARRIAGE  104
  • Welcome to the Family!
  • A girl went to introduce the man she wanted to get married to her father.

  • Father: "So you want to marry my daughter, what do you do for a living?"

  • Man: "I just got out of prison, I will search for a job soon."

  • Father: "Whaaaat! You were in prison and you want to marry my daughter with that bad record, what did you do?"

  • Man: "I killed a person."

  • Father: "What did the person do?"

  • Man: "He denied me to marry his daughter."

  • Father: "Welcome to the family son."
  • FUNNY  185
  • Please Don't Interfere
  • A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

  • "Careful," he said. "Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt!"

  • The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

  • The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
  • MARRIAGE  51
  • Never Underestimate a Woman!
  • A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

  • Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

  • The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

  • The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."

  • Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

  • He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.

  • Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"

  • The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

  • At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

  • "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?

  • Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."


  • Duck Hunting!
  • Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead.

  • The general practitioner looked at it and said, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away.

  • When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at it, then through the pages of a bird manual, and said, "Hummmm... white wings, yellow bill, quacking sound... might be a duck," and by the time he raised this gun to shoot, the bird was long gone.

  • The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking, then turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
  • DOCTORS  75
  • Wrong Number!
  • John, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:00 a.m. by his ringing telephone.

  • "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

  • John thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

  • The next morning at precisely 4:00 a.m., John called his neighbor back.

  • "Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to say that I don't have a dog."
  • FUNNY  53
  • Drunk Biker!
  • A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

  • He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

  • "So what's going on here?" he asks.

  • The bikie replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

  • The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

  • The bikie replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
  • BAR  51
  • Parking Place!
  • Paddy sat in the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

  • Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

  • Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

  • Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
  • =========================
  • It's an Emergency!
  • A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

  • "Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

  • The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

  • The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."
  • MARRIAGE  73
  • Marrying an Atheist!
  • A young lady came home very sad from a date.

  • She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

  • "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

  • Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
  • MARRIAGE  36
  • My name is Bond... James Bond!
  • On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.

  • Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"

  • James Bond: "My name is Bond' Continuing in his inimitable style.....James Bond."

  • Then Bond asks: "And you?

  • Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...
  • "Siva Rao...
  • "Samba Siva Rao...
  • "Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
  • "Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
  • "Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
  • "Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
  • "Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...

  • Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says 'James Bond'
  • FUNNY  264
  • Basic Maths!
  • The school teacher was taking the class in basic maths. She said to little Johnny, "If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many have you got?"

  • "Seven," replied Johnny.

  • "No, Johnny," explained the teacher. "That's not the right answer. Listen. If I give you two apples, then I add another two apples and another two apples after that, how many have you got?"

  • "Six," replied Johnny.

  • "That's right," said the teacher. "So, let's try again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many have you got?"

  • "Seven," replied Johnny.

  • "Seven!" wailed the teacher. "How do you get seven?"

  • "Because I've already got one rabbit at home!"


  • The 20-minute Speech!
  • An executive was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

  • When the executive returned from the big event, he was furious.

  • "Why did you write me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

  • The employee was baffled.

  • "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
  • FUNNY   
  • New Employee
  • Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

  • "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

  • "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

  • "Well, the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
  • FUNNY   
  • Reactions on Budget
  • Theek Hai - Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

  • It is a pro North Indian Budget - Shiv Sena spokesperson

  • I demand complete rollback of Union Budget - Mamta Banerjee

  • I will give 4.5 stars to Union Budget - Taran Adarsh

  • It is not good for middle class. I wished P Chidambaram had seen my shopping list - A middle class wife

  • The Union Budget is a blow to Modi - NTDV news anchor

  • I don't care; I have a boyfriend - a girl recently proposed by a boy on Valentine's day.

  • Though the budget is not good and is anti-poor but we support it to keep communal forces away from power - Mulayam Singh Yadav

  • It is a game changer - Rahul Gandhi

  • I knew this type of budget will come but when it will come I did not know - Home Minister Shusil Kumar Shinde

  • The budget is 90% idiot - Justice Katju

  • There is nothing in Union Budget for Marathi Manoos - MNS spokesperson

  • Beautiful Budget. Kiss to Chidu - KRK

  • It is a corrupt budget. It will not help in bringing back black money - Baba Ramdev

  • I will expose the budget - Arvind Kejriwaal

  • Just like 2G scam, it is a zero loss budget - Kapil Sibal

  • Thanks to Shri Rajeev Gandhi for the wonderful union budget - Congress spokesperson

  • We are planning to hold an internal debate between our PM candidates and will then react - BJP spokesperson

  • I did not listen to P Chidambaram as I was feeling nostalgic - President Pranab Mukherjee

  • It is an anti-dalit and a Manuwadi budget - Mayawati

  • Fundamentals of budget are strong. In long term stock market will give good returns - An Indian stock market analyst
  • NEWS AND POLITICS   
  • Mightiest Animal!
  • A lion woke up one morning with the urge to inflict his superiority on his fellow beasts. So he strode over to a monkey and roared: "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?"

  • "You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering.

  • Then the lion came across a warthog.

  • "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.

  • "You are, Master," said the warthog, shaking with fear.

  • Next the lion met an elephant.

  • "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.

  • The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, dropped him like a stone and ambled off.

  • "All right," shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer."



  • Bad News!
  • Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

  • Patient: Might as well give me the bad news first.

  • Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

  • Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?

  • Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
  • DOCTORS  67
  • Novice Farmer
  • A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.

  • He heads to the local livestock supplier and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

  • The supplier complies.

  • A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."

  • The man at the supplier complies. Again, a week later the man returns.

  • This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

  • "Wow!" the supplier replies. "You must really be doing well!"

  • "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
  • FUNNY  24
  • Medical Advice!
  • An eminent doctor goes for a meal in a gourmet restaurant.

  • As he is inspecting the menu, the head waiter appears and tries to be particularly helpful.

  • "You might be interested to know that I have pickled liver, braised kidneys and stewed tongue."

  • "Sounds terrible," says the doctor. "Call my assistant and make an appointment for tomorrow. Right now, I'll have the fish."
  • FUNNY  38
  • Suicide Note!
  • Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.

  • There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

  • Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

  • As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."


  • Tea Strainer
  • A little girl made a cup of tea for her mother.

  • "I didn't know you could make tea," said mum taking a sip.

  • "Yes, I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find the strainer, so I used the fly swatter."

  • "What!" exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.

  • "Oh, don't worry. I didn't use the new fly swatter. I used the old one."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Suppositories for Constipation!
  • A doctor prescribed suppositories to Santa suffering from constipation but a week later he returned to the doctor and complained that the treatment wasn't working.

  • "Have you been taking them regularly?" asked the doctor.

  • "What do you think I've been doing?" snapped Santa. "Shoving them up my ass?"
  • SANTABANTA   
  • Hearing Aid!
  • A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

  • "How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk.

  • "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000."

  • "Let's see the $2 model," he said.

  • The clerk put the device around the man's neck, "You just stick this piece of plastic in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket," he instructed.

  • "How does it work?" the customer asked.

  • "For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
  • DOCTORS   
  • The Weekend Party!
  • Santa left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife, Jeeto, really got on his case and stayed on it.

  • After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

  • The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

  • Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

  • Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


  • Anniversary Gift!
  • Santa was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Jeeto was really pissed.

  • She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 10-15 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

  • The next morning Santa got up early and left for work. When Jeeto woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

  • Confused, Jeeto put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

  • She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

  • Santa has been missing since Friday.
  • SANTABANTA   
  • The Blonde Lumberjack
  • A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.

  • "Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her.

  • The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.

  • "Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman. "6" she replied.

  • "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

  • "How many this time?" asked the foreman.

  • "12," she said. The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!"

  • The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."

  • He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong.

  • And she replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
  • BLONDES   
  • Medical Bills
  • A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for the treatment he has had.

  • The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

  • The patient replied in a rapsy voice, "No health insurance."

  • The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

  • The patient replied, "No money in the bank."

  • Somewhat impatient the nun asked, "Do you have a relative who will be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment?"

  • The patient replied, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

  • The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! They are married to God."

  • The patient retorted, "Then send the bill to my brother in law."
  • RELIGION   
  • Don't Ride Drunk!
  • Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Ted who used to have a lot of fun.

  • He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night, and he went into the saloon and got drunk. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him. So, they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there, he would get on home the best way he could!

  • So when it was time, he got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off.

  • The next morning when he woke up he says, "My goodness!"

  • And his wife says, "What's a matter dear, don't you feel alright?"

  • He said, "Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night. Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe!"

  • =========================================
  • Smart Interpreter
  • A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

  • After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

  • But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

  • "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

  • The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
  • LAWYERS  43
  • Cause Of Death
  • When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea.

  • Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

  • Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was."
  • MARRIAGE  35
  • Can of Peas!
  • This 60-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

  • When she went before the judge, he asked her, "What did you steal?"

  • She replied, "A can of peaches."

  • The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

  • The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

  • The judge said, "I will give you 6 days in jail..."

  • Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

  • The judge said, "What is it?" 

  • The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
  • MARRIAGE  53
  • Confessional Box
  • A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

  • He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

  • There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

  • He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

  • The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side.


  • The Great News
  • The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

  • Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

  • He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
  • MARRIAGE  54
  • Attention All!
  • There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

  • Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL," and farts loudly.

  • The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

  • The drunks replies, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."
  • BAR  47
  • The Courageous Captain
  • Spanish captain was walking on his ship...

  • A soldier rushes to him and says, "One enemy ship is approaching us!"

  • Captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt"

  • The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in, heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.

  • Soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"

  • Captain replies, "If I got injured, then my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to loose hope."
  • (Moral: For success, hope is very important)

  • Just then, another soldier, "Sir, we just spotted another TWENTY enemy ships!"

  • The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."
  • FUNNY  92
  • Never Lie to a Smart Woman
  • Husband: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"

  • The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good.

  • The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish?

  • He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill and a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"

  • "I did... They're in your fishing box !!!



  • Interview of a Married Man
  • Guys, here is very eye opening interview of a married man for the benefit of the unmarried ones, who may learn a few things...

  • Interview of a Married Man (for the benefit of the unmarried ones)

  • Reporter: So how is your married life?
  • The married man: First of all, "married life" is an oxymoron.

  • Reporter: But people say marriages are made in heaven?
  • The married man: Only if heaven is full of Chinese people.

  • Reporter: So yours was an arranged marriage, how was it?
  • The married man: Arrange marriage for a man is like Eid for a goat. They treat him like a prince, feed him with great foods, and dress him with bright colors and then.

  • Reporter: Hmmmm, so when did you realize that married life is dangerous?
  • The married man: I knew it from day one, marriage is danger, that's why the bride always wears RED.

  • Reporter: I've heard that arranged marriages last longer that the love ones? Is it true?
  • The married man: Love marriages, hahaha, mostly it goes like this:
  • We are made for each other.
  • We are mad for each other.
  • We are maid for each other.

  • Reporter: If it is that bad then how married people pass their time?
  • The married man: They watch a lot of TV. Wife watches "Punar-Vivah" and husband wants it for real.

  • Reporter: So, why you guys don't do any fun things, like playing games together?
  • The married man: Yes we do. Me and my wife, we are playing a game called "You to be blamed", very close game, right now she is leading by 1876 - 1.

  • Reporter: Okay, tell us, what kind of conversations you guys make while you're free?
  • The married man: She asks a lot of questions, every wife does, and as start answering their questions, they start questioning our answers.

  • Reporter: So any tips you wanna share?
  • The married man: Yep, quite a few:
  • (A) Don't waste your energy trying to make her laugh, she'll treat you like a clown anyway.
  • (B) Never reply to your wife's "I love you" text with an OKAY.
  • (C) Remember, a perfect husband is one who apologies every time his wife makes a mistake.
  • (D) And yes, take your wife on holidays to different places of the world, that will increase chances of her being lost.
  • MARRIAGE  137
  • Captain's Welcome Message
  • An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.

  • "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 321, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and...," when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers, "Oh My God" OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt... OMG!

  • Silence reigned! You can hear a pin-drop. He gets back on the microphone talking to thepassengers, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

  • A passenger hollered, "Why don't you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND."
  • FUNNY  65
  • The Name Game
  • A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

  • Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

  • The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

  • "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

  • In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

  • Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

  • The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
  • FUNNY  103
  • People who don't drink, smoke or gamble
  • Beggar: Give me food.
  • Man: I'll give you Vodka.
  • Beggar: I don't drink, Give me food.
  • Man: I'll give you cigarettes.
  • Beggar: I don't smoke.
  • Man: I'll take you to race.
  • Beggar: I don't gamble.
  • Man: I'll get you girl friend.
  • Beggar: I love only my wife.
  • Man: I'll give you food, but first you have to come to my house.
  • Begger: Why?
  • Man: I want my wife to see what state people get into when they don't Drink, Smoke, Gamble & Love only their own WIFE.


  • The Final Kiss!
  • A biker stops when he notice a young girl who's about to jump off a bridge.

  • He asks her: Do you mind giving me the final kiss before you jump?

  • She quietly accepted and gave him one of the deepest lingering kisses he had ever had.

  • When she finished, the biker said: Wow, this is the best Kiss I ever had. Why are you committing suicide?

  • She replied: My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...
  • FUNNY  209
  • Minister of Ports & Shipping!
  • An Afghan, upon landing at Islamabad Airport, introduced himself to a Pakistan Immigration Officer, as an Ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

  • The Pakistani Officer was surprised, and asked, "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the ex-Minister of Ports & Shipping?

  • The Afghan replied, You crazy bugger, don't you have a Minister for Law & Justice in Pakistan ?
  • COMMUNITIES  87
  • Students' behavoiur in different Classes:
  • 1st-3rd: Hey! I studied everything for exams.

  • 4th-6th: Hey! That question was very hard so I didn't attempt it.

  • 7th-10th: Hey! Studied only important questions.

  • 11th: I think 4 chapters are enough to get passing marks.

  • 12th: Which exam is tomorrow?

  • College: Crazy guys! At least you should have told me that there's an exam today. I am not even carrying a Pen today.
  • CHILDREN  424
  • The New Restaurant
  • Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

  • "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one.

  • "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

  • "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating


  • Chocolate Peanuts
  • A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

  • She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

  • After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

  • When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

  • "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

  • The puzzled driver asks, "Then, why do you buy them then?"

  • The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
  • FUNNY  69
  • The Wedding Ring
  • A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

  • As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

  • "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

  • With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
  • MARRIAGE  62
  • The Parrot and The Magician
  • A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

  • There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

  • Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

  • The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

  • They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

  • Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
  • FUNNY  61
  • Hunting Skills
  • Two Russian hunters meet.

  • "I shot a gigantic bear yesterday," says Ivan. "Look at the hide!"

  • "How do you find such huge bears?" Sergei asks.

  • "Easy," says Ivan. "You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot."

  • Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages.

  • "Didn't you follow my advice?" Ivan asks.

  • "Sure, I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled," Sergei replies.

  • "And what came out?

  • "To me," says Sergei, "it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express.


  • Loving Wife!
  • Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

  • "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

  • "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My old man's home! My old man's home!'"
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Silent and Odourless Farts!
  • A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

  • "My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

  • The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

  • The next week the lady comes back.

  • "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent...stink terribly."

  • The doctor says, "Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
  • DOCTORS   
  • Marriage Lessons
  • On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

  • "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

  • Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Free advice at social affairs?
  • A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

  • The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

  • The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

  • The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.


  • Reasons to allow drinking at work
  • The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

  • 1. It's an incentive to show up.
  • 2. It reduces stress.
  • 3. It leads to more honest communications.
  • 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  • 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  • 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  • 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  • 8. It encourages carpooling.
  • 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
  • 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  • 11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  • 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  • 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  • 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  • 15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
  • FUNNY  93
  • The Men's Room
  • In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

  • The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean".

  • The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious".

  • The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands".
  • FUNNY  115
  • Missing Wife
  • Man: I lost my wife.

  • Inspector: What is her height?
  • Man: I never noticed.

  • Inspector: Slim or healthy?
  • Man: Not slim, can be healthy

  • Inspector: Colour of the eyes?
  • Man: Never noticed

  • Inspector: Colour of hair?
  • Man: Changes according to season.

  • Inspector: What was she wearing?
  • Man: Saree/suit. I don't remember exactly.

  • Inspector: Was somebody with her???
  • Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, brown eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together... And the man started crying....

  • Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!
  • MARRIAGE  394
  • Upside Down!
  • An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

  • "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

  • They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

  • He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

  • The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

  • The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.



  • A Free Haircut
  • A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day.

  • The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work."

  • The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

  • A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "You protect the public."

  • The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

  • A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system."

  • The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
  • LAWYERS  115
  • Man O Man!
  • When without money, eats wild vegetables at home;
  • When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.

  • When without money, rides bicycle;
  • When has money, rides the same exercise machine.

  • When without money, walks to earn food;
  • When has money, walks to burn the fat.

  • Man O Man ! never fails to deceive thyself !
  • When without money, wishes to get married;
  • When has money, wishes to get divorced.

  • When without money, wife becomes secretary;
  • When has money, secretary becomes wife.

  • When without money, acts like rich man;
  • When has money, acts like poor man.

  • Man, O Man! never can tell the simple truth !
  • Says share market is bad but keeps speculating;
  • Says money is evil but keeps accumulating.
  • Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.
  • Says gambing & drinking is bad but keeps indulging;

  • Man O Man ! Never means what he says and never says what he means!
  • FUNNY  161
  • Office Romance
  • The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

  • The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here."

  • The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

  • Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."
  • FUNNY  39
  • Lawyer in Hell
  • A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

  • As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

  • "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

  • "Who are you to question that woman's punishment


  • Sleeping in the Barn
  • A redneck, a preacher, and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm. They ask the farmer if they could spend the night.

  • The farmer said, "Sure, but my guest room only has room for two. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."

  • The preacher says, "I don't mind being with God's animals. I will sleep in the barn."

  • An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door.

  • It's the preacher. He says, "I can't stand that noisy chicken. Could I switch with one of you?"

  • The redneck says, "There are always loud animals back in Alabama I can take it."

  • An hour later, there's a knock on the guest room door.

  • It's the redneck. He says, "I can't stand that smelly cow! Could I switch with one of you?"

  • The lawyer says, "Well, I guess that leaves me."

  • An hour later, there's a knock on the door. It's the chicken and the cow.
  • LAWYERS   
  • Words of Wisdom
  • In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

  • The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

  • They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

  • One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

  • Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

  • As her eyes brightened, the Nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

  • "Mother....." the Nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

  • Mother Superior raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "DON'T SELL THAT COW."
  • FUNNY   
  • A Marriage Made in Heaven
  • A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died.

  • When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

  • Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

  • He says, "I'm still working on it."

  • Two years pass by and no marriage. St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it. Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

  • The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

  • "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

  • St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
  • LAWYERS   
  • Too Many Mistakes
  • Johnny's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So, it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Johnny handed in a poor paper.

  • "This is the worst essay I have ever had the misfortune of reading," ranted the teacher.

  • "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes!"

  • "One person didn't," replied Little Johnny defensively. "My father helped me!"


  • Generation gap
  • During one "generation-gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

  • With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

  • "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

  • "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
  • MARRIAGE  11
  • It's Too Late
  • The orthopedic surgeon Joe worked for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

  • Joe sat the display skeleton in the front of his car, his bony arm across the back of his seat. Joe hadn't considered the drive across town.

  • At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside him became obvious, and he looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

  • The other driver leaned out of his window, "I hate to tell you," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
  • DOCTORS  3
  • Knife Juggler
  • A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light and, on the back seat of the car, the policeman spots a whole set of knives.

  • He ask the man why he has them - doesn't he know it's against the law to carry knifes?

  • The man explains that the knifes are used in his act - he juggles them.

  • The policeman insists that the man gets out to show him, so he stands at the roadside performing his act.

  • Just then, another car drives by and the driver turns to his wife saying, "Thank goodness I gave up the demon drink - just look how the fucking police test you these days."
  • BAR  8
  • The Best News
  • The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.

  • Most people are writing standard phrases like, 'Without you, the company will never be the same,' 'We will always remember you,' etc.

  • Obviously the boss was not satisfied, "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

  • Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years.
  • Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
  • Answer: at the bottom of the page.

  • Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
  • Answer: Liquid

  • Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
  • Answer: Marriage

  • Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
  • Answer: Exams

  • Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
  • Answer: Lunch & dinner.

  • Q7. What looks like half an apple?
  • Answer: The other half.

  • Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
  • Answer: It will simply become wet.

  • Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
  • Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.

  • Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
  • Answer: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand...

  • Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
  • Answer: Very large hands.

  • Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
  • Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.

  • Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
  • Answer: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


  • A Math Lesson
  • Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything-tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short everything that they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

  • After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and paper were spread out all over the room and Little Johnny was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

  • She called him down to dinner and, to her shock and amazement, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tried to understand what had made all the difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.

  • With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and, to her surprise, little Johnny had gotten an 'A' in Math. She could no longer contain her curiosity.

  • She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

  • Little Johnny looked at her and shook his head.

  • "Well then," She persisted, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

  • Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Personal Question
  • A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar.

  • "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

  • "I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

  • "OK," the guy said, "How many men have you slept with?"

  • "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

  • "Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."
  • FUNNY   
  • What a Tip!
  • A guy stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip - three pennies.

  • As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

  • The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him.

  • "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

  • "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."

  • Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."

  • "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."

  • Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."

  • "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
  • FUNNY   
  • Marriage Counseling
  • After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

  • When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

  • "What seems to be the problem?"

  • Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

  • After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

  • The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief.

  • The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

  • The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


  • Emergency Flashers
  • A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

  • Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

  • Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

  • The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

  • "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

  • Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

  • And she said, "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
  • BLONDES   
  • Waiting for a Train
  • A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

  • The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

  • Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

  • Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

  • Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

  • "Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor!"

  • So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

  • "What are you doing here?"

  • The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
  • FUNNY   
  • Johnny's Confession
  • "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

  • The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Johnny"

  • "Yes, Father,' tis I."

  • "And who might be the woman you were with?"

  • "I shan't be tellin'you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

  • "Well, Johnny, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

  • "I cannot say."

  • "Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

  • "I'll never tell."

  • "Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

  • "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

  • "Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

  • "My lips are sealed."

  • "Was it Fiona Mallory, then?" 

  • "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

  • The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Johhnny, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

  • Johnny walks back to his pew.

  • His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

  • "Five more good leads!" says Johnny.
  • RELIGION  1
  • Facebook Addiction
  • Teacher: What will you do after growing up?
  • Student: Facebooking
  • T: NO! I mean what will you BECOME?
  • S: Admin of facebook pages.

  • T: OMG! I MEAN what will you ACHIEVE after you grow up?
  • S: Facebook Admin Rights

  • T: IDIOT! I MEAN what will you do for your PARENTS?
  • S: I create a page for them on facebooK. 'I MOM & DAD'

  • T: Stupid! What do your parents want from YOU?
  • S: My facebook password!

  • T: Oh God! What IS THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE?
  • S: Facebook but never face your books...


  • The Washerman and the Foolish Donkey
  • Have you heard the story of "The Washerman and the Foolish Donkey"?
  • To refresh your memory, and for the benefit of those who have not grown up listening to this moral story, it goes like this.

  • There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson. The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly. Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.
  • Moral of the story: One must not engage in duties other than his own.

  • Now take a new look at the same story.
  • The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet. The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well.
  • In the annual appraisal the dog managed a "meets requirement". The donkey was rated as "Star Performer". Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around. The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation.....

  • Moral of the story-Remains the same- "One must not engage in duties other than his own"

  • Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary. Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely intentional.
  • FUNNY   
  • Parent - Job Description
  • This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

  • POSITION :
  • Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
  • Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

  • JOB DESCRIPTION :
  • Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

  • RESPONSIBILITIES :
  • The rest of your life.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  • Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

  • POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
  • None.
  • Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

  • PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
  • None required unfortunately.
  • On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

  • WAGE S AND COMPENSATION :
  • Get this! You pay them!
  • Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
  • A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
  • When you die, you give them whatever is left.
  • The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

  • BENEFITS :
  • While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

  • Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

  • AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
  • FUNNY   
  • I'm Married...
  • Santa wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's New Year's Party. Santa is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Santa had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of Disprins next to a glass of water on the side table.

  • And, next to them, a red rose!! Santa sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

  • He takes the Disprins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

  • "Sweetheart, breakfast is on the table, I left early to get the shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Preeto."

  • He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is breakfast, steaming hot tea and the newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

  • Santa asks, "Pappu... what happened last night?"

  • "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

  • Confused, he asked, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

  • Pappu replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... 'Leave me alone, I'm married!! Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
  • SANTABANTA  2
  • Communication Skills
  • Jack and Mark are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

  • Mark replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

  • So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

  • The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

  • Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

  • Mark says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

  • And so Mark goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

  • To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son, by all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.


  • The Washerman and the Foolish Donkey
  • Have you heard the story of "The Washerman and the Foolish Donkey"?
  • To refresh your memory, and for the benefit of those who have not grown up listening to this moral story, it goes like this.

  • There was once a washer man who had a donkey and a dog. One night when the whole world was sleeping, a thief broke into the house, the washer man was fast asleep but the donkey and the dog were awake. The dog decided not to bark since the master did not take good care of him and wanted to teach him a lesson. The donkey got worried and said to the dog that if he doesn't bark, the donkey will have to do something himself. The dog did not change his mind and the donkey started braying loudly. Hearing the donkey bray, the thief ran away, the master woke up and started beating the donkey for braying in the middle of the night for no reason.
  • Moral of the story: One must not engage in duties other than his own.

  • Now take a new look at the same story.
  • The washer man was a well educated man from a premier management institute. He had the fundas of looking at the bigger picture and thinking out of the box. He was convinced that there must be some reason for the donkey to bray in the night. He walked outside a little and did some fact finding, applied a bottom up approach, figured out from the ground realities that there was a thief who broke in and the donkey only wanted to alert him about it. Looking at the donkey's extra initiative and going beyond the call of the duty, he rewarded him with lot of hay and other perks and became his favorite pet. The dog's life didn't change much, except that now the donkey was more motivated in doing the dogs duties as well.
  • In the annual appraisal the dog managed a "meets requirement". The donkey was rated as "Star Performer". Soon the dog realized that the donkey is taking care of his duties and he can enjoy his life sleeping and lazing around. The donkey had to live up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a job rotation.....

  • Moral of the story-Remains the same- "One must not engage in duties other than his own"

  • Disclaimer: All characters in the story are not at all imaginary. Any resemblance to person living or dying of work is purely intentional.
  • FUNNY   
  • Parent - Job Description
  • This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

  • POSITION :
  • Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
  • Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

  • JOB DESCRIPTION :
  • Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

  • RESPONSIBILITIES :
  • The rest of your life.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  • Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  • Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

  • POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
  • None.
  • Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

  • PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
  • None required unfortunately.
  • On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

  • WAGE S AND COMPENSATION :
  • Get this! You pay them!
  • Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
  • A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
  • When you die, you give them whatever is left.
  • The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

  • BENEFITS :
  • While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

  • Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

  • AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!
  • FUNNY   
  • I'm Married...
  • Santa wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's New Year's Party. Santa is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Santa had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of Disprins next to a glass of water on the side table.

  • And, next to them, a red rose!! Santa sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

  • He takes the Disprins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

  • "Sweetheart, breakfast is on the table, I left early to get the shopping to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Preeto."

  • He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is breakfast, steaming hot tea and the newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

  • Santa asks, "Pappu... what happened last night?"

  • "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

  • Confused, he asked, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

  • Pappu replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... 'Leave me alone, I'm married!! Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
  • SANTABANTA  2
  • Communication Skills
  • Jack and Mark are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

  • Mark replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

  • So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

  • The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

  • Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

  • Mark says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

  • And so Mark goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

  • To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son, by all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.


  • European English
  • The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

  • As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

  • In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

  • There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

  • In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

  • By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

  • After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
  • FUNNY  1
  • The Bike & The lawn Mower
  • A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

  • "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

  • "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle." said the little boy.

  • After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

  • The little boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he could still ride one.

  • The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you."

  • After riding the bike around a little while, the little boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

  • The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

  • The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

  • The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

  • The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

  • The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Managerial Mishaps
  • The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax.

  • The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

  • The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

  • The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens.

  • The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

  • At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

  • The farmer asked the manager, "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

  • The manager answered, "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions!"
  • FUNNY   
  • Discoveries and Inventions by Men & Women
  • Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

  • Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

  • Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS, Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

  • Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

  • Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

  • Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY, Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

  • Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things… While Women STUCK to shopping. 



  • Viagra-like drugs for Women
  • With the introduction of Viagra in response a perennial male problem, a reputed pharmaceutical company is now working on a range of new drugs in an attempt to redress the balance...

  • MIRRORCILLIN
  • A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.

  • STOPPANAGGIN
  • Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse or boyfriend.

  • COSMOPOLIRA
  • Raises female intelligence to levels allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

  • LOGICON
  • Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore'

  • PARKATRON
  • 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a car Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.

  • MAGNATACK
  • Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

  • WARDROBIA
  • Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed within their credit limit.

  • BEERINTULIN
  • Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
  • DOCTORS  2
  • Terrible Constipation
  • A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.

  • The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.

  • Two weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.

  • The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.

  • "So why the long face?" asked the doctor.

  • "Because I don’t get up until 8 o’clock ! ! !" replied the patient.
  • DOCTORS   
  • The New Hospital Wing
  • When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at a hospital, The allergists voted to scratch it.
  • The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
  • The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
  • The micro-surgeons were thinking along the same vein.
  • The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
  • The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
  • The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
  • The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
  • The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
  • The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
  • The pediatricians said, "grow up".
  • The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
  • The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
  • The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
  • The radiologists could see right through it.
  • The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
  • The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
  • The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
  • The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
  • The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
  • The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
  • And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
  • DOCTORS  2
  • Dirty Laundry
  • A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

  • The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

  • "That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

  • Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

  • Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

  • About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder, who taught her this?"

  • The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.


  • A Blonde's dream
  • A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her doctor.

  • Doctor, "What is your dream about?"

  • Blonde, "I am being chased by a vampire..."

  • Doctor, "So, where are you in this dream?"

  • Blonde, "I am running in a hallway."

  • Doctor, "Then what happens?"

  • Blonde, "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"

  • Doctor, "Does the door have any letters on it?"

  • Blonde, "Yes."

  • Doctor, "And what do these letter spell?"

  • Blonde, "P.. U... L... L..."
  • BLONDES   
  • The Three Hymns
  • One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate.

  • He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

  • After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed ten $100 bills in the offering.

  • He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

  • A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

  • The pastor asked her to come to the front.

  • Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

  • Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him.
  • RELIGION   
  • Free Haircut
  • Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

  • One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

  • The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

  • Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

  • The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

  • Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

  • The Politician was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

  • And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
  • FUNNY   
  • Breathalyzer Test
  • A Police Officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

  • He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

  • The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

  • "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

  • "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

  • "Well, then, we need a urine sample."

  • "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

  • "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

  • "I can't do that, officer."

  • "Why not?"

  • "Because I'm drunk."


  • New Courses for Women
  • Training courses now available for women on the following subjects:

  • Topic 1 - Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone

  • Topic 2 - The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

  • Topic 3 - Parties: Going Without New Outfits

  • Topic 4 - Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

  • Topic 5 - Common Skills : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

  • Topic 6 - Common Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
  • FUNNY   
  • Banta's Letter to Bill Gates
  • Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after receiving a letter from Mr Banta

  • To: Bill Gates, Microsoft
  • From: Banta
  • Date: 1 April 2011
  • Subject: Problems with my new computer
  • Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
  • We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice...
  • 1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
  • 2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
  • 3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this 'find 'button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
  • 4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?
  • 5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?
  • 6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
  • 7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
  • 8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
  • 9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
  • Last one Mr. Bill Gates
  • P.S: "Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS ?"

  • Regards,
  • Banta
  • SANTABANTA   
  • The Bud Light
  • A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.

  • The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.

  • When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

  • 1. A tube of K-Y jelly
  • 2. A rubber glove
  • 3. A beer
  • When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

  • The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled, "Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!"
  • DOCTORS   
  • You Can't Take It With You
  • Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in.

  • There was one condition: He could bring only one suitcase of his wealth.

  • The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.

  • Then one day, he died. St. Peter greeted him at the gate and told him he could come in, but his suitcase would have to be left.

  • "But I have an agreement with God," said the man, "to bring one suitcase in heaven."

  • "That's very unusual," replied St. Peter. "Let me look inside that suitcase."

  • The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed.

  • He asked, "Why in the world would you bring more pavement to heaven
  • ==============================
  • Absolutely Flattered
  • Two old men meet on a street corner.

  • The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"

  • The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail."

  • The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"

  • He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me.'"

  • The 1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"

  • 2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."
  • FUNNY   
  • The Buffalo Theory of Beer
  • A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

  • This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

  • In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

  • In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

  • That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you.
  • BAR  1
  • Car Breakdown
  • There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.

  • The car breaks down.

  • "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.

  • "Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

  • "I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

  • They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say.

  • They ask him, "What do you think?"

  • "Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."
  • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY  50
  • A Rare Bottle of Scotch
  • Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

  • Immediately, Jock says, "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

  • "Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

  • Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

  • Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer.

  • "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

  • "Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

  • "Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

  • "Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

  • "When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up."

  • "Aye, Angus, then what?"

  • "Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

  • "Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

  • "Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

  • Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first


  • The Gracious Witch
  • Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

  • A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

  • "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

  • Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

  • A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

  • When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

  • Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
  • FUNNY   
  • Three Vampires
  • Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.

  • The first vampire responds, "I would like some blood."

  • The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.

  • The vampire responds, "I would like some blood."

  • The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some plasma."

  • The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?
  • BAR   
  • Wedding Vows
  • During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

  • "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out."

  • He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

  • On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

  • The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

  • The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered, "She made me a better offer."
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Just a Wild Guess !
  • It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

  • The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

  • "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

  • "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

  • The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

  • The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

  • "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

  • "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

  • The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

  • "Is it wine?" she asked.

  • "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

  • The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

  • "Is it champagne?" she asked.

  • "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

  • The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

  • With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy


  • God's Creations
  • Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

  • "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

  • A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

  • "Yes, He did," the grandpa answered.

  • For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a small mirror. Her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

  • "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Glass Eye
  • A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

  • Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

  • 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

  • They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

  • After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

  • The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

  • 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

  • 'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
  • BAR   
  • Want to go to Heaven?
  • A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!"

  • Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands.... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room.

  • All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don't!"

  • Bemused the preacher said, "Ok, stranger, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want."

  • At that, the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters, turned to the audience and said, "Alright... who wants to go to heaven... raise your hands!"
  • RELIGION   
  • Thanks for the Beer
  • Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. He ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

  • When he got back, he found his glass empty and a note saying: 'Thanks for the beer!'

  • Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down, a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay, he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: 'Thanks again, this was as good as the first one.'

  • Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody.

  • So he spit into the beer and left a note saying: 'Enjoy, I just spit into the beer.'

  • He then ran outside to see what had happened. When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

  • However this time the note said: 'You enjoy, I spit in it too


  • Moral Stories!
  • The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

  • The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.

  • "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

  • "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down, so the bottle wouldn't break. And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

  • She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, She killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

  • "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

  • "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking!!!"
  • CHILDREN   
  • Peeing Woes
  • An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

  • The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

  • The old gentleman answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but please cut each one into 4 pieces."

  • The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

  • The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
  • DOCTORS  1
  • Don't Step on the Ducks
  • Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

  • When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

  • So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

  • Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

  • The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together wsith the same admonishment as for the first woman.

  • The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

  • She manages to go months without stepping on any duck, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

  • St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

  • The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

  • The guy says, "I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck."
  • RELIGION  1
  • Two buddies in a Bar
  • Santa and Banta, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Banta throws up all over himself.

  • "Oh, no," he gasps," Preeto will kill me!!"

  • "Don't worry, pal," Santa replies. "Just tuck fifty bucks in your breast pocket and tell Preeto that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

  • So they stay another couple hours getting steadily drunker. Eventually Banta rolls home.

  • Preeto immediate starts on him, "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself!" she screams. "My God, you are disgusting!"

  • "Nowainaminit," says Banta, speaking very carefully so as not to slur, "I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this Santa got sick on me. He'd had one too many and cou'n't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me fifty bucks for the cleaning bill!"

  • Preeto looks in his breast pocket, "But this is hundred bucks!" she exclaims.

  • "Oh yea..." says Banta. "I almos' forgot! He shit in my pants, too.
  • ====================================
  • Smartness Vs Intelligence
  • Einstein and Banta are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

  • Einstein says, "Let's play a game. I will ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $ 5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

  • Einstein asks the first question: What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?

  • Banta doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket and pulls out a $ 5.

  • Now, it's Banta's turn. He asks Einstein, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down on 4 legs?"

  • Einstein searches the net and asks all his smart friends. After an hour, he gives Banta $500.

  • Einstein going nuts and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

  • Banta reaches his pocket and gives Einstein $ 5.
  • SANTABANTA   
  • Satan in Church
  • A few minutes before the services started, the church people were sitting in their pews and talking.

  • Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil one. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, unconcerned to the fact that mankind’s enemy was in his presence.

  • So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don’t you know who I am?"

  • The man replied, "Yep, your Satan."

  • "Aren’t you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

  • "No, sure ain’t" said the man.

  • "Don’t you realize what I can do to you?" asked Satan.

  • "I know what you can do to me," replied the old man.

  • "And you’re still not afraid?" asked Satan.

  • "Nope." A little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?"

  • The man calmly replied, "Well, I’ve been married to your sister for over 48 years."
  • RELIGION   
  • The New Walmart Greeter
  • Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, even 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-mind, a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policy.

  • One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

  • "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome."

  • "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

  • "Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

  • "They said, "Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?"
  • FUNNY   
  • Mind your language…
  • There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman, who found this small genie bottle.

  • When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appears.

  • Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you must shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."

  • The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine".

  • The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

  • Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

  • The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "Beer". He was so contented with his beer pool.

  • The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.

  • He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "Shit!


  • First Day of School
  • Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realised that he desperately needed to go to the toilet. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

  • Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

  • Five minutes later. Billy returned looking more desperate and embarrassed.

  • "I can't find it", he admitted.

  • The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

  • Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

  • Well five minutes later, he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it".

  • Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

  • So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

  • The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

  • Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"
  • CHILDREN   
  • Emergency Brake!
  • An Amish was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

  • "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

  • "I thank thee," replied the lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

  • "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too."

  • "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

  • True to her word, when the lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.

  • "Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
  • FUNNY   
  • Chicken Launcher
  • Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

  • The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with air borne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

  • British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.

  • Arrangements were made to borrow the gun. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield, smashed into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

  • Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

  • NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the frozen chicken first!!"
  • FUNNY   
  • Skinny Dipping
  • A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach.

  • Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

  • Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.

  • Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

  • After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

  • The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize.


  • Shitty Soup!
  • In a restaurant, an old waiter brought a plate of consommé to a customer with soaking his thumb in the soup. The customer held his tongue.

  • Then the waiter brought a steak with soaking his thumb in the gravy sauce. The customer kept on silent with tolerance.

  • Last of all, the waiter brought ice cream for a dessert without putting his thumb in it.

  • The customer could not help asking him, "Why did you soak your thumb in the soup and the gravy, but not put it in the ice cream?"

  • The old waiter answered, "The answer is simple, young man. I suffer from rheumatism, and it eases my pain to soak my thumb into hot things."

  • The customer got angry, "You warmed your thumb in my dish! Why don’t you just shove it up your ass?"

  • The waiter nodded, "That’s what I do when I’m in the kitchen."
  • FUNNY   
  • The Atheist Teacher
  • A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

  • There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

  • "Because I'm not an atheist."

  • Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

  • "I'm a Christian."

  • The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

  • "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

  • The teacher is now angry, "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

  • She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
  • CHILDREN   
  • Drunk Husbands
  • Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

  • His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little...?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Would You Remarry?
  • Jeeto: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

  • Santa: "Definitely not!"

  • Jeeto: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

  • Santa: "Of course I do."

  • Jeeto: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

  • Santa: "Okay, I'd get married again."

  • Jeeto: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

  • Santa: (makes audible groan).

  • Jeeto: 'Would you live in our house?'

  • Santa: 'Sure, it's a great house.'

  • Jeeto: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

  • Santa: 'Where else would we sleep?'

  • Jeeto: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

  • Santa: 'Probably, it is almost new.'

  • Jeeto: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

  • Santa: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

  • Jeeto: 'Would you give her my jewellry?'

  • Santa: 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'

  • Jeeto: 'Would she wear my shoes?'

  • Santa: 'No, her size is 6.'

  • Jeeto: Silence.................

  • Santa: 'Shit'.


  • Boozing horse!
  • A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket.

  • "What? Why would you want so many martinis?" questioned the bartender.

  • "My horse likes them," replied the cowboy, "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him."

  • So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis. "If you don't mind," he said, "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes."

  • "Be my guest," said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply.

  • "Darnedest thing I ever saw," said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house."

  • "No, I couldn't do that," said the man. "But thanks anyway."

  • "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?"

  • "Love'em," replied the cowboy, "but I gotta drive."
  • BAR   
  • Stuck on the seat
  • A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

  • After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.

  • The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.

  • She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.

  • When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

  • The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

  • "Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
  • SANTABANTA   
  • Medical Alert!
  • The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

  • If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.

  • If you come in contact with this WORK, you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take at least one of the following antidotes:

  • "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE),
  • "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM),
  • "Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER),
  • "Vaccino Offico Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA) and continue its dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely.

  • Please forward this message to all your friends and save their lives.

  • Issued in Public Interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association" (BEWDAs)

  • FUNNY   
  • At the Gates of Heaven
  • One day,a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

  • St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

  • The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

  • St. Peter let him through the gate.

  • St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder.

  • "How many people died on the ship?"

  • Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1228."

  • St. Peter, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

  • St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer, "Name them


  • Blame it on the Dog...
  • A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Easter dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous.

  • They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

  • The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

  • Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

  • The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

  • A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Skippy!"

  • Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

  • A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

  • Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
  • FUNNY   
  • Lie Detector
  • A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

  • Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

  • Son: At school.

  • The robot slaps the son.

  • Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.

  • Dad: Which one?

  • Son: Kung Fu Panda.

  • The robot slaps the son again.

  • Son: Ok! It was a Porno.

  • Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!

  • The robot slaps the Dad.

  • Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

  • The robot slaps the mom.
  • MARRIAGE   
  • First Proctological test
  • A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.

  • The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.

  • When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

  • 1. A tube of K-Y jelly
  • 2. A rubber glove
  • 3. A beer
  • When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

  • The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled, "Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!"
  • DOCTORS   
  • The Time Machine
  • President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

  • President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years' time?"

  • The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, Jose Fernandez.... crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, and the economy is healthy. Vice President Jin Tao has declared Chinese language mandatory in all USA schools There are no worries."

  • The Canadian PM thinks, "It's not bad, this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Canada be like in 50 years' time?"

  • The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

  • "Come on, David," says Obama, "Tell us what it says?"

  • "I can't! It's all in Punjabi!"


  • Never lie to your Mom
  • A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

  • During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

  • Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

  • Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

  • About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

  • He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

  • He sat down and wrote :
  • Dear Mother:
  • I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

  • Love,
  • your son

  • Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
  • Dear Son:
  • I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…

  • Love,
  • Mom.
  • FUNNY   
  • Casino Money
  • A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000.

  • He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

  • The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

  • He screamed at the professor, "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

  • The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

  • The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
  • FUNNY   
  • The Grieving Wife
  • Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

  • He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

  • She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

  • The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

  • She says, "That he did, Father..."

  • The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

  • She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Sleeping Problems
  • An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office.

  • "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

  • "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

  • "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

  • A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever.

  • "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

  • "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

  • "That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pi


  • Blind Pilots
  • Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

  • Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

  • The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

  • As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

  • The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

  • Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die..."
  • FUNNY   
  • The Angry Genie
  • One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

  • Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

  • So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said.

  • Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

  • For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

  • Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully."

  • The man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
  • FUNNY   
  • The Mystery Play
  • A man arrives at the theater to see the latest production only to learn that it is completely sold out.

  • He finds an usher and pleads with him, "You must help me, I am a huge theater fan. I’ve been to every opening night performance at this theater for twenty years. I can’t bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?"

  • The usher says he'll see what he can do.

  • A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theater to be seated.

  • A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.

  • He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I love mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip."

  • The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a quarter.

  • The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
  • FUNNY   
  • The Last Chicken
  • A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

  • By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

  • The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

  • A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

  • The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahea

  • ===========================
  • The Hypnotist Accident
  • It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

  • Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

  • The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

  • "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

  • He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

  • The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

  • "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

  • It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
  • FUNNY   
  • Evolution or Creation?
  • A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

  • The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..."

  • Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

  • The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

  • The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

  • The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
  • CHILDREN   
  • A Near Death Experience
  • A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

  • Seeing God she Asked, "Is my time up?"

  • God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

  • Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

  • After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

  • Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

  • God replied, "I didn't bloody recognize you."
  • FUNNY   
  • Deep Roots
  • A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

  • He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

  • It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place.

  • The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

  • Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

  • The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"


  • Who is the mightiest?
  • A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

  • The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

  • Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

  • The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

  • On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

  • Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

  • The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
  • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
  • Beating the odds
  • Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

  • The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

  • She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

  • Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

  • "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

  • The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

  • She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

  • Again he went through his tables.

  • "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

  • Aunt Bessie nodded and left his !@office.

  • And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
  • FUNNY   
  • John Darling
  • The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

  • "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

  • "John," the new guy replied.

  • The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kin



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