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Universal Jokes New English




  • Falling on Deaf Ears!
  • Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

  • One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"

  • The other Buddy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

  • "How do you do that?" says the other.

  • "It's easy! I turn off the light!"
  • MARRIAGE   
  • Confused Pappu!
  • During Exam...
  • Madam: Why are you so confused..?

  • Pappu: *Silent*

  • Madam: Did you forget your pen...?

  • Pappu: *Silent*

  • Madam: Forgot roll no...?

  • Pappu: *Silent*

  • Madam: Forgot calculator..?

  • Pappu: Oye chup kar ja maata..!! Yaha parchi galat subject ki le aya, tujhe pen, pencil ki agg lagi hai..!!!
  • HINGLISH   
  • Indian Friendship
  • Doston se problem share karna achha hai..... Isliye nahi ki vo use solve ker dete hai but... Saale aise-aise solutions dete hain ki hum problem hi bhool jaate hai.

  • Indian Friendship is not about: Sorry!
  • It's about: "Saari Galati Teri Thi."

  • Indian Friendship is not about: "THANKS!"
  • It's about: "Koi Ehsaan Nahi Kiya Mujhpe."

  • Indian Friendship is not about: "I Miss You!"
  • It's about: "Kahan Mar Gaye Tha Itne Din?"

  • Indian Friendship is not about: "I Understand"
  • It's about: "Hamesha Main Hi Kyun Samjhoon"?

  • Indian Friendship is not about: "I'm happy 4 your success."
  • It's about: "Chal beta treat de?"

  • Indian Friendship is not about: "Are you coming to see us tomorrow?"
  • It's about: "Dramaybazi Band Kar, Aur Chup Chaap Chal Mere Saath."

  • Indain Friendship is not about: "Just reading this message."
  • It's about "Sending it to all lovely friends whom you never want to lose."
  • HINGLISH   
  • I'm Proud of My Father
  • On his first day in office, as President Abraham Lincoln entered to give his inaugural address, one man stood up. He was a rich aristocrat.

  • He said, "Mr. Lincoln, you should not forget that your father used to make shoes for my family."

  • And the whole Senate laughed; they thought they had made a fool of Lincoln. But certain people are made of a totally different mettle.

  • Lincoln looked at the man directly in the eye and said, "Sir, I know that my father used to make shoes for your family, and there will be many others here, because he made shoes the way nobody else can. He was a creator. His shoes were not just shoes; he poured his whole soul into them.

  • "I want to ask you, have you any complaint? Because I know how to make shoes myself. If you have any complaint I can make you another pair of shoes. But as far as I know, nobody has ever complained about my father's shoes. He was a genius, a great creator and I am proud of my father."

  • The whole Senate was struck dumb. They could not understand what kind of man Abraham Lincoln was. He was proud because his father did his job so well that not even a single complaint had ever been heard.



  • A Man of Few Words!
  • A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

  • "Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

  • The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

  • After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

  • "She went to the cemetery," he replied.

  • "And when is she coming back?"

  • "I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"
  • FUNNY  31
  • O Womaniya...
  • A girl was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.





    • Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

    • Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.

    • Two weeks later, she got five challans for driving without a seat belt...!!! O Womaniya... Aa ha Womaniya!!!
    • FUNNY  43
    • How to Get Free Beer...
    • Two smart fellows were in a pub. They called the pubs owner over and asked him to settle an argument.

    • "Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

    • "There be two pints in a quart", confirmed the owner. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

    • "Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house."

    • The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

    • "That's right," he called back, "two pints."
    • BAR  5
    • Look-alikes!
    • Daughter in law: Is my nose flat?

    • Mother in law: No Baby.

    • Daughter in law: Am I fat like an Elephant?

    • Mother in law: You have a fine physique, you are a Barbie Doll.

    • Daughter in law: Am I dark colour?

    • Mother in law: No no, You are so sweet.

    • Daughter in law: Then why people tell me that you look like your mother in law ?

    • Mother in law: Laawan Jutti, Bandri Jaee, Majj kisay thaan di... Kali Habhshan... kidaan bakwaas kardi ae.


    • Loyalty Tests
    • Test 1
    • Wife buys 12 underwears of same colour for her husband...
    • Hubby: Why same colour sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
    • Wife: Which people???
    • Total silence...

    • Test 2
    • A couple sees a hot girl.
    • Wife: So big, aren't they?
    • Husband: Yes, they are!!!
    • Wife: Are they Artificial?
    • Husband: Hmmmm.... I think natural.
    • Wife: Ear-rings and Natural ???
    • Total Silence...

    • And the best one... Test 3:
    • Men will always be Men: Once a group of men decided to go for Tirth Yatra. Their guide explained to them that they might see some ladies bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all. When they see anything like that, they should just say HARI OM and move on.
    • Next day they started the yatra and one of the men in the group said: "HARI OM" and rest of them said: "KIDHAR HAI, KIDHAR HAI!"
    • FUNNY   
    • The First Big Fight!
    • It was their first quarrel. Mulla Nasruddin was coming off worst until he brought his bride's family into the argument.

    • "Your father is an old drunkard," he stated with venom. "Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle layabout."

    • "Can't you say one decent thing about my family?" she asked, sarcastically.

    • "YES, JUST ONE," replied Nasruddin. "THEY WERE ALL OPPOSED TO OUR MARRIAGE."
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • Grand Prize!!!
    • A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned up.

    • The RJ said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

    • "That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

    • "Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

    • "Well, I've got a Masters in maths and have been teaching for 35+ years," I proudly replied.

    • "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Himesh Reshamiyas new movie and to meet him back stage:

    • What is 2+2?"

    • I replied, "7!!!"
    • CELEBRITIES   
    • Beauty or Brains ?
    • Mulla Nasruddin decided to settle down and narrowed his choice between a beautiful but dumb doll and an opera singer.

    • He finally chose brains and culture and married the singer. They spent their wedding night at a swanky hotel.

    • When Nasruddin opened his eyes the next morning and the dawn's early light began to shine upon his bride, he looked at her and shuddered and cried out: "SING FOR GOD'S SAKE SING.


    • Election Results 2014 - Jokes & Trolls
    • Here are the funniest jokes on the election results, from the humorists of Twitter.

    • Alia Bhatt: Score itni jaldi-jaldi badh raha hai, Maxwell BJP mein hai kya?

    • There is a great Rahul Gandhi wave in the country... Everyone is waving him good bye.

    • Rahul Gandhi to Sonia: Accha, Ab main khelne jaoon?

    • BREAKING Performance of Himesh's 'The Xpose' better than Congress & AAP.

    • Now Arvindkejriwal says that Aam Janata has also become corrupt!!! Mr Kejriwal, Ramleela maidan is waiting for you to held DHARNA against Public for the mandate.

    • You know your country is changing when the youth is more excited about 16th may rather than 14th feb !!!

    • Now you know what a Gujarati can do for a Visa.

    • Kapil Sharma fired. Re-branded show to be launched - Comedy Nights with Rahul.

    • Tide and Rin have competition from the Congress. Itni zabardast dhulai hui hain.

    • Why was Rahul Gandhi smiling even in defeat? Coz every kid is happy when exams get over and they can go on a vacation.

    • Kejriwal ka naya aarop: Desh ki janta bhi Modi se mili hui hai.

    • Australia is now at #2 in whitewashing teams. #1 is BJP.

    • Now mothers will reprimand their kids in the following way.
    • Modi ban na hai na?
    • Phir Rahul wali harkat kyu ki?
    • Ab Manmohan ban ke kyu khada hai?
    • Bol ya toh Kejriwal ki tarah thappad khayega ?

    • Finally, the bizarre is over and here goes the awards for different category.
    • Best Actor: Arvind Kejriwal.
    • Best Debut child actor: Rahul Gandhi.
    • Best female actor in supporting role- Mamta Banerjee.
    • Best female actor in negative role- Sonia Gandhi.
    • Best actor in Romantic role- Digvijay Singh.
    • Life time achievement award-Lal Krishna Advani.
    • Movie of the year-Abki baar Modi Sarkar.
    • Its heard that Anurag Basu has approached Manmohan Singh for "Barfi 2"
    • NEWS AND POLITICS  211
    • Janta Maaf Nahi Karegi!
    • Whatsapp par 2 km lambe message bhejne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • John Abraham ko comedy film me cast karne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Har hafte Adobe update nikaalne wale logon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Good morning ko Guuddd Morningggg..!!! Likhne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Good Night bol ke bhi online rehne waalon,tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Price tag ke aagey Only lagane waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Chilar ki jagah, Eclairs dene waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Har movie se pehle gutka mukesh ki ad dikhane waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Ladkon ki reply par hmmm... likhne wali ladkiyon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • "I love you but as a friend" kehne wali ladkiyon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Har hafte set max par Sooryavansham dikhane waalon ,tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Sunny Leone ko sari pehnaane waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.

    • Android per BBM use karne waalon, tumhe Janta maaf nahi karegi.
    • HINGLISH  87
    • Use More Soap!
    • A man was unhappy with the way his laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry.

    • So he wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:

    • USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!

    • He got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so, the following week he enclosed another note: 

    • USE MORE SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!

    • The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when his clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: 

    • I USE PLENTY SOAP ON UNDERWEAR!!!

    • USE MORE PAPER ON...!!!
    • FUNNY  8
    • Ransom Call...
    • Ek admi ki wife kidnap ho jaati hai aur kidnappers uske husband ko phone lagate hai:

    • Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi ko maar denge!

    • Husband khamosh raha.........

    • Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi kje tukde-tukde kar ke cheel-kauwon ko khila denge!

    • Husband khamosh raha.........

    • Agle din phir phone aya: Agar aaj raat tak paise na diye toh tumhari biwi tumhe sahi-salamat lkauta di jayegi!!!

    • Husband: Paise bol kaminey, darata kisko hai..


    • Pathan Ka Dushman!
    • Pathan: Wo jo table pe aadmi baitha hai us se hamara dushmani hai.
    • Dost: Table pe toh 4 aadmi hain.

    • Pathan: Wo jiski muchhein hain.

    • Dost: Muchhein to sub ki hain.

    • Pathan: Wo jis ne safed kapre pehan rakhe hain.

    • Dost: Wo toh sub ke safed hain.

    • Pathan ne gusse mein pistol nikala aur 3 aadmion ko goli maar di aur bola: Wo jo reh gaya hai usko hum nahi chhorega.
    • HINGLISH  248
    • Did it Hurt???
    • A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman.

    • "Did it hurt?"

    • "No, not really, only the last bit."

    • "Was that when they cut it off?"

    • "No, that didn't hurt, it was the last bit."

    • "Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?"

    • "No, it was just the last bit that hurt."

    • "Well what was the last bit?"

    • "You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger. That was agony!"
    • FUNNY  15
    • For All Arnab Goswami Fans...
    • After creating this complex world, GOD was worried that who will decide what is right and what is wrong? So, HE created Arnab Goswami.

    • I hope the next episode of Satyamev Jayate focuses on how Arnab Goswami has been terrorising the country for years.

    • 'Why? Why? Why? The nation demands an answer!' - Arnab Goswami to waiter at Sagar Ratna, after being told the idlis are over.

    • Arnab Goswami was created to balance Manmohan Singh's silence.

    • If Arnab Goswami and Dolly Bindra get married... Their kid would be the most advanced sound system ever built on the planet.

    • If you ever see a picture of Arnab Goswami with a closed mouth, that camera has a good shutter speed.

    • Rajinikanth once completed his sentence in an Arnab Goswami interview.

    • To calculate the longest Arnab Goswami has ever paused, Mathematicians are working on a device that can record time in nanoseconds.
    • FUNNY  15
    • Maa Sab Jaanti Hai
    • 5 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom.
    • Mom: Awwwww ! I Love you Too.

    • 16 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom.
    • Mom: Sorry ! I Have No Money.

    • 25 year Old Boy: I Love You Mom.
    • Mom: Kaun Hai ? Kahan Rehti Hai Wo ?

    • Moral: Maa Sab Jaanti Hai!

    • 35 year Old Man: Mom I Love You.
    • Mom: Beta Pehle Hi Bola Tha Us Chudail Se Shadi Mat Karna.

    • And The Best One is...
    • 45 Year Old Man: Mom I love you.....
    • Mom: Beta Main Kisi Bhi Paper Pe Sign Nahin Karungi.


    • Speeding Judges!
    • Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

    • The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

    • They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

    • The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed.

    • The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
    • LAWYERS  28
    • Baba Ji Ka Thullu!
    • Kapil: O Ji, Maine Kaha... Nice Lipstick.

    • Girl: Thanks.

    • Kapil: O Ji, Main Kya.. Nice Top And Jeans.

    • Girl: Thanks.

    • Kapil: O Ji, Main Kya..Nice Ear-Rings.

    • Girl: Thanks.

    • Kapil: Aur Toh Aur Nice Necklace.

    • Girl: Thank you so much BHAIYA.

    • Kapil: Kamaal Hai... Itni Saari Achchi Cheezein Pehan Kar Bhi Tu Bhootni Hi Lag Rahi Hai.

    • Ladki Ko Mila Baba Ji Ka Thullu...
    • HINGLISH  251
    • Man's Best Friend!
    • A real woman is man's best friend.

    • She will never stand him up and never let him down.

    • She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

    • She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

    • She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

    • She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible... NO wait.... Sorry.

    • I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit. Never mind...
    • MARRIAGE  55
    • Logic at it's Best
    • A conversation heard at a local pub:

    • "Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me."

    • "But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you."

    • "No you're not."

    • "Yes, I am."

    • "Can prove you're not. Bet you $5."

    • "You're on."

    • "You're not in New York City, are you?"

    • "That's true."

    • "And you're not in Montreal."

    • "Can't argue with you there."

    • "And you are definitely not in Paris."

    • "Nope."

    • "If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else."

    • "Yea, that makes sense."

    • "Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5."

    • "Can't."

    • "Why not?"

    • "I'm not here."


    • Paka Hua Mango!
    • Do ladies ek aam ke ped neeche baith kar kaafi der se baatein kar rahi thi.

    • Tabhi achanak ped se ek aam neeche gira.

    • Pehli lady: Arrey... ye aam apne aap kaise gir gaya?

    • Is se pehle ki second lady kuch bolti, Aam khud haath jod kar bol pada: Behan ji itni der se aapki baatein sun sun kr mein pak gaya hun.
    • FUNNY  145
    • Alia Bhatt Trolls...
    • Interviewer: Alia, according to you, which is the best team in IPL 7 so far?
    • Alia Bhatt: Sunrisers Hyderabad because all have orange caps.

    • Deepika: Will you come to see my Chennai Express?
    • Alia: No! IRCTC site is not working.

    • Alia Bhatt is so dumb that she thought Pani Puri, Sev Puri are all relatives of Amrish Puri.
    • Chetan Bhagat: What's the opposite of IIT?
    • Alia: U UCoffee.

    • Arnab: What's the first name of Modi?
    • Alia: Abki Baar.

    • Aamirv Khan: How did India get Indipendence?
    • Alia: When you hit a six against England. Mahesh Bhaat: Vote dene chalein?
    • Alia Bhaat: Papa aap miss call karke bhi vote de sakthe hain, maine kal DID mein dekha tha...!!!

    • Einstein says: Be friends with Alia Bhatt and feel like a genius all the time!

    • Scene: Alia Bhatt on KBC
    • Q. Alia, which of the following is the largest?
    • A. A Peanut
    • B. An Elephant
    • C. The Moon
    • D. A Kettle

    • Alia: It's B. An Elephant...

    • Alia Bhatt in Arnab Goswami's studio
    • Arnab Goswami: Alia, Who will win the elections?
    • Alia: Aam aadmi party because its 'aam' ka season.

    • Scene: Alia Bhatt on Koffee With Karan. Karan: Alia, who was the first person to climb Mount Everest?
    • Alia: Simple, the person who made it.

    • Scene: Boman Irani asks Alia
    • Boman: Alia do you know MS office?
    • Alia: If you tell me the address I ll know.

    • Scene: Alia Bhatt on Koffee With Karan (rapid fire)
    • Karan: Alia which food do you love the most?
    • Alia: Desi.
    • Karan: And which dish?
    • Alia: Pasta.
    • CELEBRITIES  121
    • Kaisa Hona Chahiye ?
    • Ladka Handsome hona chahiye,
    • Smart to Phone bhi hote hain.

    • Phone to iPhone hona chahiye,
    • S1, S2, S3 to Train ke Dibbe bhi hote hain.

    • Insaan ka dil Bada hona chahiye,
    • Chhota to Bheem bhi hai.

    • Aadmi ko Samjhdar hona chahiye,
    • Sensitive to Toothpaste bhi hota hai.

    • Teacher jyada Number dene wala hona chahiye,
    • Andaa to Murgi bhi deti hai.

    • Yuva Rashtrawadi Hone chahiye,
    • Cool to Navratna Oil bhi hai.

    • Rashtrapati Kalaam Hona Chahiye,
    • Mukherjee to Rani bhi hai.
    • v Bathroom mein Hair Dryer Hona chahiye,
    • Towel to Sreesanth ke paas bhi hai.

    • Ladki mein Akal honi chahiye,
    • Surat to Gujrat mein bhi hai.

    • Mobile General mode par hona chahiye,
    • Silent to Manmohan Singh bhi hain.

    • Seb meetha hona chahiye,
    • Lal to Advani bhi hain.

    • Ladka Dravid jaisa hone chahiye,
    • Rahul to Gandhi bhi hai.

    • Ghumna to Hill Station par chahiye,
    • Goa to Pan masala bhi hai.

    • Reply dhang ka hona chahiye,
    • 'Hmmmmmmm.' to bhains bhi kar leti hai.
    • HINGLISH  297
    • The Holy Cup!
    • A man walks in to a confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

    • "What did you do?" asks the priest.

    • "I've committed murder."

    • The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

    • A women walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

    • The priest asks her, "What did you do?"

    • "I robbed six banks."

    • The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

    • Another man walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

    • "What did you do?" asks the priest.

    • "I peed in the holy cup."


    • Sachcha Premi!
    • Ladka apni friend se:
    • Mere paas mere dost jaisi car nahi hai;
    • Par tumhein palkon pe baitha ke ghumaaunga.

    • Uske jaisa bada ghar nahi hai;
    • Par tumhein dil mein rakhunga.

    • Uske jitne paise nahi hain;
    • Par tumhein majdoori kar ke khilaunga.

    • Aur kya chahiye tumhein????

    • Ladki: Bas kar pagle ab rulayega kya...? Chal apne dost ka number de...
    • HINGLISH  239
    • Mallu Jokes...
    • Mallu jokes are in town!!!!!!!

    • What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
    • Ingum Dax.

    • Where did the Malayali study?
    • In the ko-liage.
    • Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
    • He is very bissi.

    • Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
    • To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff.

    • Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
    • To yearn meney.

    • What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
    • He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

    • How does a Malayali spell moon?
    • MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen.

    • What is Malayali management graduate called?
    • Yem Bee Yae.

    • What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ?
    • He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

    • What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
    • An Oto.

    • Where does he pray?
    • In a Temble, Charch and a Maask.

    • Who is Bruce Lee's best friend?
    • A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

    • Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
    • Kerala.

    • Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
    • Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

    • Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait?
    • He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say 'KEEP QUWAIT... KEEP QUWAIT'.

    • What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
    • "Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders, We Are Yevery Where"

    • Why aren't Mallus included in hockey and football teams?
    • Coz Whenever they get a corner, they set up a tea shop.

    • Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free saamble of kokanet oil.
    • Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs....
    • COMMUNITIES  39
    • Facebook Status and Comments
    • A Girl's Facebook status: Travelled in Bus after long time.

    • Comments Left by Male friends:
    • 1) Awww, so sweet...!!!

    • 2) May be nextime will go together sweetie...!!!

    • 3) Wow, I want to experience it...!!!

    • 4) You went without me...? x-( 

    • 5) Wonderful dear...!!!

    • 6) Superlike!!!

    • A Boy's Facebook status: Travelled in Bus after a long time...

    • Comments Left by same Male friends:
    • 1) Haan toh saale hum kya kare...?

    • 2) Bas yehi teri aukat hai...!!!

    • 3) Kamine ab auto mai bhi jaiga toh status update karega kya...???

    • 4) Baap ko bol kam se kam cycle lekar de...!!!

    • 5) Usi bus ka conductor ban ja kutte.

    • 6) Ticket kharida ki nahi Bhikhari ?
    • HINGLISH  133
    • Computer Humor!
    • What does a baby computer call his father?
    • Data.

    • What is a computer`s first sign of old age?
    • Loss of memory.

    • What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
    • It slipped a disk.

    • Why was there a bug in the computer?
    • It was looking for a byte to eat.

    • What is a computer virus?
    • A terminal illness.

    • To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

    • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

    • The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.


    • Daru ki vajah!
    • Daru ki vajah se barbaad hue ek sharabi ne kasam li aur ghar se daru ki khali bottles phainkne laga...

    • 1st bottle phainkte hue bola: Teri vajah se meri naukri gayi...

    • 2nd bottle phainkte hue bola: Teri vajah se mera ghar bik gaya...

    • 3rd phainkte hue bola: Teri vajah se meri biwi chali gayi...

    • Jab usne 4th bottle uthaai toh woh bhari hui nikli. Sharaabi us bottle ko utha ke bola: Tu side mein hoja pagli, tu to bekasur hai....
    • HINGLISH  212
    • The Goat and The Horse
    • There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.

    • One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

    • Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

    • The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

    • The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

    • On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

    • The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

    • On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

    • After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!

    • Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

    • All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!!

    • Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.
    • FUNNY  102
    • Miserly Gift!
    • A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.

    • Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

    • In due time, he received an acknowledgement:

    • "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
    • FUNNY  26
    • Shhhhhh......
    • A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

    • He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

    • The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him


    • Janata Maaf Nahin Karegi
    • 'Janata Maaf Nahin Karegi' Bankers Version: Totally related to your daily BELOVED customers..

    • ATM Card Hote Hue Bhi Branch Mein Gardi Karne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • 100 Rs Ke Liye 10 Lacs Ka Attitude Dikhane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Entry Karne Pure Mohalle Ke Passbook Lane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • 50 Lacs Balance Hote Hue Bhi 100 Rs Service Charges Deduction Pe Rone Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Ek Branch Mein Cheque Deposit Karke Dusre Branch Mein Enquiry Karne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Without 15G/15H Bharke TDS Deduction Pe Rone Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Cheque/Withdrawal Slip Pe Khud Ke Galat Sign Karne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • RTGS/NEFT Par Khud Galat Information Dekar Bank Staff Par Chillane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Without Reason Counter Pe Ainvey Hi Khade Rehne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Branch Mein Naye Staff Ki History-Geography Puchne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Just Passbook Entry Ke Liye Over Hyper Hone Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • Counter Time Khatam Hone Par Bhi 'Bank Chalu Hai Kya?' Puchne Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.

    • And This One is Best:
    • Loan Lekar Usse NPA Banane Walon Tumhe Janata Maaf Nahi Karegi.
    • HINGLISH  107
    • Tiger is the Latest Bakra !!!
    • Tiger Shroff is so smooth that he should replace Katrina kaif in Veet ads...

    • How many of you believe that Tiger Shroff is an endangered species even before his first release?

    • Don't be mean guys... Give a big round of applause to Tiger Shroff for an outstanding Oscar winning performance in Life of Pi.

    • Tiger Shroff's debut movie would premier on Animal Planet.

    • Once Tiger Shroff was locked in the room by Jackie Shroff. Tiger Shroff updated his Whatsapp status as: I'm Sherlocked.

    • Son = Jackie Shroff, Looks = Jackie Chan, Career graph like = Jackie Bhagnani.

    • Heropanti is Jackie Shroff's attempt to be a responsible citizen by contributing to Tiger conservation project.

    • All the movies of Tiger Shroff will carry the message 'No animals were harmed in this film'.

    • Reporter: What's your favorite movie? Tiger Shroff : Ek Tha Tiger

    • Why is Jackie Shroff's Son Religious? A) Because he Preys regularly.

    • Why does Tiger Shroff look like Shekhar Suman's son rather than Jackie Shroff's. Coz they have the same shade of lipsticks.

    • Every time I think I have seen everything, Universe shocks me with a new revelation. Just saw a Tiger Shroff Fan Club twitter handle.

    • According to government only 1411 left in India.. but is it excluding or including tiger shroff ??

    • Wondering who is the prettier star kid, Alia, Sonam or Tiger Shroff?

    • If Tiger Shroff becomes famous, his wax statue will be kept in Jim Corbett Park instead of Madam Tussaud's.

    • Tiger Shroff is trending because Tiger is our National animal.

    • 'Save the tigers'. Only 1411 left. Tiger Shroff: Make it 1412.

    • 'Tiger se darr nahi lagta sahab,Tiger shroff se lagta hai.' - Indians

    • Tiger Shroff's favorite market is Karol Bagh.

    • Tiger Shroff will never ever beaten in any movie coz it will be against animal rights.
    • CELEBRITIES  44
    • Guts & Balls...
    • There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

    • In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

    • GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    • BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Baby."

    • I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. However there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.
    • MARRIAGE  15
    • Husband vs Wife
    • A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

    • He couldn't control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

    • She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today.

    • The story continues...
    • The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

    • Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing. He said your husband has blocked your credit card.

    • MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.

    • Story continues...
    • Wife took out his husband's credit card from purse and uses it to clear all the bills. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.

    • Moral: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.


    • Sunny hates Doodh
    • Sunny's mom: Beti doodh ka glass pee lo.

    • Sunny: No mama, mujhe nahin peena.

    • Maa: Beti agar doodh nahin piyogi toh badi kaise hogi?

    • Sunny: Maa apko bhi toh doodh pasand nahi tha, aap bhi nahin peeti thi, phir bhi aap badi ho gai na. Main bhi vaise hi bina piye badi ho jaungi.

    • Maa: Achchi bachiyan zid nahin karti, agar meri achchi beti ho toh doodh pee lo warna mei tum se khafa ho jaungi.

    • Sunny: OK mama.

    • aap kehti hain toh mein doodh pee leti hoon.

    • Aur is tarah sunny ne doodh pee liya...

    • Message end tak kitney gaur se padha hai ki kab non veg start hoga... bus karo darindo
    • HINGLISH  75
    • Life's Demerit System
    • All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this message. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

    • Do something she likes, and you get points.
    • Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
    • You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
    • Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
    • Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

    • SIMPLE DUTIES
    • You make the bed. (+1)
    • You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10) 
    • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
    • You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
    • But return with Old Monk. (-5)

    • PROTECTIVE DUTIES
    • You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
    • You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
    • You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
    • You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
    • It's her pet poodle . (-20)

    • SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
    • You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
    • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
    • Named Tina (-10)
    • Tina is a dancer. (-10)
    • Tina is single. (-40)

    • HER BIRTHDAY
    • You take her out to dinner. (+2)
    • You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
    • Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
    • And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
    • It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

    • A NIGHT OUT
    • You take her to a movie. (+1)
    • You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
    • You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
    • You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
    • It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
    • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

    • YOUR PHYSIQUE
    • You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
    • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
    • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
    • You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

    • THE BIG QUESTION
    • She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
    • (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
    • You hesitate in responding. (-10)
    • You reply, "Where?" (-35)
    • You give any other response. (-20)

    • COMMUNICATION
    • When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
    • You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
    • You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
    • She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
    • Send this on to all of the gentlemen you know to refresh them on the point system.
    • MARRIAGE  75
    • Aur Udaao Mazaak!
    • Ek baba kisi mehfil mein gaye toh sab logon ne un ka mazaaq udaana shuru kar dia.

    • Baba ne kaha: Dekho hum faqeer log hote hain. Hamara mazaaq mat udaao.

    • Log khoob hansay. Achanak un sab ko nazar aana band ho gaya. Sab ko laga ki Baba ne un ko andhey hon shraap de diya.

    • Phir toh sab Baba ke saamne jhuk gaye aur kehne lage: Baba ji, hamein maaf kar do, ham se bhool ho gayi. Baba ne apna ek joota utara aur sab ko ek ek maara aur kaha: Kameeno !!! Light chali gayi hai. Koi jaa ke generator chalao, mujhe khud nazar nahin aa raha...
    • HINGLISH  128
    • Farting Personalities!!!
    • The Vain Person:
    • One who loves the smell of his own farts.

    • The Amiable Person:
    • One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

    • The Proud Person:
    • One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

    • The Shy Person:
    • One who releases silent farts then blushes.

    • The Imprudent Person:
    • One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

    • The Unfortunate Person:
    • One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

    • The Scientific Person:
    • One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

    • The Nervous Person:
    • One who stops in the middle of a fart.

    • The Honest Person:
    • One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

    • The Dishonest Person:
    • One who farts but blames the dog.

    • The Foolish Person:
    • One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

    • The Thrifty Person:
    • One who always has several farts in reserve.

    • The Anti-Social Person:
    • One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

    • The Strategic Person:
    • One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

    • The Sadistic Person:
    • One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

    • The Intelligent Person:
    • One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.


    • Santa Live on Radio
    • Santa ne Live Radio Station call ki: Hello... ji ye Radio station hai ?

    • RJ: Ji Haan, boliye.

    • Santa: Meri awaaz pura shehar sun raha hai ?

    • RJ: J Haan.

    • Santa: Yani ghar mein jo meri biwi Radio sun rahi hai... wo bhi sun rahi hogi..??

    • RJ (Gusse mein): Haaan bhai haan..!!!

    • Santa: Hello Jeeto! Agar meri aawaz sun rahi hai toh jaldi se Motor chala de... Main oopar chhat par toilet mein hoon aur tanki mein Paani khatam ho gaya hai...!!!
    • SANTABANTA  996
    • Urgently Required...
    • Santa applied for the job of night security guard at the factory.

    • The boss looked him over carefully.

    • "The sort of person we need for this job," said the boss finally, "is tough fearless, aggressive, suspicious, distrustful, always on the lookout for trouble and constantly ready to flare into violence. Quite frankly, you don't seem to fit the bill.

    • "Oh. that is all right," explained Santa. "I HAVE ONLY COME TO APPLY FOR THE JOB ON BEHALF OF MY WIFE."
    • SANTABANTA  75
    • Fun In Names
    • Kangana hit the ball,
    • Kangana took a single,
    • Kangana did not reach the crease,
    • Kangana Ranaut.

    • Sameera went to a parlor,
    • Sameera did her hair,
    • Sameera did her makeup,
    • Sameera Reddy.

    • Ratan comes,
    • Ratan Hi,
    • Ratan goes,
    • Ratan Tata.

    • Hrithik buys bulb,
    • Hrithik puts bulb in socket,
    • Hrithik switches bulb on,
    • Hrithik Roshan

    • Lance arms are weak,
    • Lance joins gym,
    • Lance does chin-ups,
    • Lance Armstrong.

    • Pankaj got a lottery ticket,
    • Pankaj did not win,
    • Pankaj Udaas.
    • FUNNY  64
    • Oh! Goodies...
    • A Greek moved to New Zealand and wants to buy a farm.

    • The New Zealander says he will show the Greek around.

    • While walking around the New Zealander sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, he goes, oh goodie. He pulls his pants down and starts giving it to the sheep.

    • When he was finished, he pulls his pants up looks at the Greek and says, "Your turn."

    • The Greek says, "Oh goodie!!!"

    • The Greek pulls the sheep out of the fence and pulls his pants down and puts his head in the fence with his bum up in the air...

    • Different Girl!
    • The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married.

    • "How long have you known the Girl?" His superior asked.

    • "A Week."

    • "Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough."

    • In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.

    • "So you still want to get married? My, My ! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."

    • "I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir."
    • MILITARY  21
    • Shaadi Ke Baad...
    • Shaadi Ke baad Patni Kaise badalti hai... Zara gaur kijiye...

    • Pehle Saal: Maine kaha ji, khana kha lijiye, aapne kaafi der se kuchh khaya nahin!

    • Dusre Saal: Ji, khana taiyaar hai, laga dun?

    • Teesre Saal: Khana ban chuka hai, jab khana ho tab bata dena...!

    • Chauthe Saal: Khana banakar rakh diya hai, main bazaar ja rahi hoon, jhud hi nikal kar kha lena.

    • Paanchve Saal: Main kehti hoon, aaj mujhse khana nahin banega, hotel se le aao.

    • Chhathe Saal: Jab dekho khana khana aur khaana, abhi subah hi to khaya tha.

    • Shaadi ke baad Pati kaise badalte hain.. Zara gaur kijiye...

    • Pehle Saal: Jaanu, Sambhalkar... udhar gadda hai...

    • Dusre Saal: Arey yaar dekh ke, udhar Gadda hai...

    • Teesre Saal: Dikhta nahin udhar Gadda hai...

    • Chauthe Saal: Andhi hai kya, Gadda nahin dikhta??

    • Paanchve Saal: Arey udhar kidhar marne jaa rahi hai, Gadda to idhar hai...
    • HINGLISH  116
    • Exchange Offer!!!
    • Ek din Santa ne newspaper mein ek advertisement dekha:

    • 'Apna Purana Mobile Do Aur New Mobile Lo'

    • Santa advertisement dekhar khush ho gaya aur us address per akela chala gaya.

    • Wahan koi shop nahi thi aur 2 ladke aise hi khade hue the.

    • Santa wahan jaakar un ladkon se us advertisement ke baare mein puchta hai.

    • Tabhi ek ladka chaaku nikaal kar kehta hai, "Ye ad humne hi diya tha, chal purana mobile de aur jaakar naya mobile le."
    • HINGLISH  63
    • Technology HURTS...
    • Be afraid! Infact very afraid, or be yourself. Technology can hurt you.

    • A wife was calling out for her husband from the kitchen to help her with the dishes, but did not get a response.

    • She went looking for him in the bed room and found hubby asleep on his files, tired of work.

    • She walked closer to him, looked at the innocent face, played with his hair softly, sweetly and.... then suddenly.... slapped his face!!!

    • The husband got up with a shock and asked, "what happened??!?!"

    • That's when the wife showed him his phone which showed: Last seen on whatsapp 1 minute ago.

    • Technology HURTS...


    • Doctor or Chemist ?
    • "Funny you have not been to see me before!" the doctor barked at Mulla Nasruddin. "Have you consulted any other doctor about your condition?"

    • "No, Sir," stammered the Mulla. "Only the chemist."

    • "Good Heavens, man," snorted the doctor, "Have no sense? This just shows how stupid people can be! The chemist is not medically qualified - you had right to consult him! And what nonsense did he tell you?"

    • "HE TOLD ME TO COME AND SEE YOU," said Nasruddin.
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • The Trust!
    • Mulla Nasruddin and his wife went to Israel for their holidays, and visited a night club in Tel Aviv. A comedian was on the bill who did his whole act in Hebrew.

    • Nasruddin's wife sat through the comic's act in silence, but Nasruddin roared with laughter at the end of each joke.

    • "I didn't know you understood Hebrew," she said to the Mulla when the comedian had concluded his act.

    • "I don't," replied Nasrudin.

    • "Well, how come you laughed so much at his jokes?"

    • "AH, said Nasruddin, "I TRUSTED HIM."
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • Wifey Traits!
    • How various wife's fight with their respective husbands...

    • Pilot's wife: Don't fly too high...

    • Teacher's wife: Don't teach me...

    • Painter's wife: I'll paint you...

    • Dhobi's wife: I'll wash you...

    • Actor's wife: Don't act too much...

    • Dentist's wife: I'll break your teeth...

    • CA's wife: Stay with proper accountability...

    • Engineer's wife: I'll loosen all your parts...

    • Architect's wife: Stay straight or else I'll change your architecture...

    • and the Best one
    • Marketing Executive's wife: If you speak too much I'll sell you on OLX...
    • MARRIAGE   
    • The Indian Farmer
    • An Indian farmer walking through his field notices a foreigner drinking water from a pond, with his hand.

    • The Farmer shouts, "Woh paani mat peena. Usmein gayein, bhains or suwar nahate hain, potty karte hain, sussu karte hain! (which means, Don't drink that water, the cows, the buffaloes and the pigs shit and pee in it!)"

    • The man shouts back, "I'm a foreigner, I don't understand your bloody gibberish. Speak English, you bloody Indian idiot!"

    • The farmer shouts back in English, "Use two hands dude, you can drink more!"


    • Favourite Patients!!!
    • 4 surgeons sat around discussing their favourite patients type.

    • 1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order."

    • 2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order."

    • 3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded."

    • The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians."

    • The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.

    • The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."
    • DOCTORS   
    • Politician Riddles...
    • Q: What clothes does the politicians love to wear?
    • A: Poll-yester clothes.

    • Q: Which dance do politicians love?
    • A: The Poll dance!

    • Q: What's the politician's favourite sport?
    • A: Poll vault.

    • Q: Where do Politicians send their kids?
    • A: To Poll-y technique colleges.

    • Q: What's the politician's favourite game?
    • A; Poll-O!

    • Q: What's the politician's best loved virtue?
    • A: Poll-iteness!
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Bon Appetit!!!
    • Santa was spending some of his hard-earned cash on a luxury cruise and was given a table with a Frenchman.

    • At their first meal together, the Frenchman said, "Bon appetit!"

    • Before the next meal commenced the performance was repeated.

    • "Bon appetit," said the Frenchman.

    • "Santa Ji," replied Santa.

    • After this had happened at every meal for three days, Santa was getting fed up, and told a fellow traveller about it.

    • "He tells me his name is Bon Appetit and I tell him my name is Santa, and then at the next meal, we start all over again."

    • The fellow traveller laughed and explained to Santa that the Frenchman was not introducing himself and that 'Bon appetit' meant "Good appetite", or "I hope that you enjoy your meal!" 

    • Santa breathed a sigh of relief on receiving this information. Next morning, at breakfast, Santa greeted the Frenchman, "Bon appetite."

    • The Frenchman nodded politely and said, "Santa Ji."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Teen Sawaal...
    • Ek naujawan ne ek buzurg se pucha:

    • Jab duniya ek din fanah ho jani hai toh log is ke peche kyun bhaagte hain?
    • Paisa duniya mein reh jayega toh log is ke peeche zindagi kyun lutaate hain?
    • Cheezon ko hasil karne ke liye doston ko dushmn kyun samajhte hain?

    • Buzurg ne teeno sawalon ko bade gaur se suna. Phir unhone jaib se ek machis ki dabbi nikali, usmein se 3 teeliyan uthayi, phir 2 teeliyan wapis rakh diya, aur 1 teeli ko tor ke us k 2 hisse kar diye, aur agla hissa phenk diya pichley hisse ko thora sa nokdaar banaya or munh ke qareeb laa ke danton mein phasa hua khana nikalne lage aur bole: Mujhe kya pata..


    • FBI Assassin
    • The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test. For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    • "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"

    • Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

    • The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    • Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

    • Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

    • The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    • Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow.

    • "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."
    • FUNNY  21
    • FACEBOOK Ki Leela...
    • Facebook ki leela sab par padi bhaari hai...

    • 71 saal ki budhiya bhi yahan kunwaari hai...

    • Chacha ki bhi kismat badal jaati hai...

    • 18 saal ki chaachi yahan mil jaati hai...

    • Ladke yahan ladkiyan ban jaate hein...

    • Nakali Id se aatank machaate hein...

    • Kuchh toh itne paagal ho jaate hein...

    • Din raat 'Add Me' - 'Add Me' chillaate hein!
    • HINGLISH  144
    • What Time Is It?
    • On some Air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

    • The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    • The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    • The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it's a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it's an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it's a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
    • MILITARY  19
    • Wedding Proposal
    • Mulla Nasruddin was round at his fiancee's home, having a serious talk with her father.

    • "Sir, I'd like to marry your daughter," he announced .

    • His girl's father looked at him.

    • "Have you seen my wife yet?" he asked.

    • "OH, YES SIR," replied Nasruddin. "BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND, I WOULD STILL PREFER YOUR DAUGHTER, SIR."


    • Fake Encounter!
    • During Terrorism days in Punjab, a terrorist before his daring escape from prison, had been photographed from four different angles.

    • The Punjab Police sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the different police districts, with orders to notify the headquarter the moment an arrest was made.

    • The pictures were duly circulated in different police stations. 

    • The next day, the the headquarter received a wireless from the ambitious Police Inspector of a remote Police Station: 

    • "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST!"
    • FUNNY  5
    • The ATM!
    • Banta wanted to use his ATM card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. In frustration Banta called his bank help line.

    • Banta, angrily: So what's wrong with my ATM card? Girl: Sir, I have checked your account, everything is alright here and you should be able to use your card, are you sure your card is not damaged or broken?

    • Banta: Are you insane? What are You insinuating? No one takes good care of their ATM card like I do.

    • Girl: Okay Sir, are you also sure the surface isn't wet or stained with dirt?

    • Banta: Are you mad? I take very good care of my card. As a matter of fact, I even got it laminated last week when I laminated my Identity card. Girl: Did you just said LAMINATE? Banta: Of course Yes!!!
    • SANTABANTA  111
    • Beware of a Lover!
    • 10 advantages of not having a "LOVER".

    • 1. Save time.

    • 2. Can sleep well.

    • 3. Don't have to bother about missed calls.

    • 4. Don't have to worry about how you look.

    • 5. Can eat in any restaurant.

    • 6. No boring SMS in the middle of night.

    • 7. Can talk with all girls.

    • 8. You won't hear `aaw.. You are dull today`.

    • 9. Can go anywhere with any one.

    • 10. Don't have to listen same old crap jokes..

    • BONUS:- You will live a long life... So be aware of LOVER!
    • FUNNY  247
    • Kanjoos Lovers...
    • A kanjoos boy fell in LOVE with a kanjoos Girl

    • Girl: Jab Dad so jayenge to main gali mein ek SIKKA phenk dungi, tum turrant andar aa jana.

    • Lekin ladka sikka phenne ke ek ghante baad aaya aur kuch pareshaan bhi tha.

    • Girl: Itni der kyo laga di?

    • Boy: Wo main sikka DHOOND raha tha.

    • Girl: Pagal wo tho 'DHAAGA BAANDH' ke phenka tha, tabhi waapas kheench liya tha...


    • Happy Mother's Day!
    • A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

    • "Nothing," said the woman.

    • Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"

    • "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"

    • "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

    • "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
    • MARRIAGE  22
    • Pappu's Future Plans
    • Pappu ko hamesha apne papa se daant padti rehti thi kyunki vo studies mein below average tha.

    • Ek din jab dono ek saath baith kar TV dekh rahe the tab achanak Pappu bola: Papa! Dekhna jab main business karunga na, toh achche achchon ke haath mein katora pakda dunga.

    • Santa, hairaani se: Achcha!!! Wo kaise?

    • Pappu haste hua bola: Gol-Gappe bechkar....
    • HINGLISH  113
    • Identical Horses!!!
    • A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

    • The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

    • The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

    • The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

    • A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

    • The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

    • A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

    • The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

    • The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
    • FUNNY  31
    • Too Much TV...
    • 3rd class ka bachcha apni Miss se kehta hai: Main aapko kaisa lagta hun... ?

    • Miss: Too sweet and cute.

    • Bachcha: Toh phir main apne mummi-papa ko aap ke ghar kab bhej dunu ??

    • Miss: Wo kyon?

    • Bachcha: Taaki wo hamari baat aage chalayein

    • Miss: Yeh kya bakwas hai.

    • Baccha: Tution padhane ke liye...!!! Miss aap bhi na kasam se TV dekh dekh ke kharab ho gayi hain...


    • Excess of every thing is bad!
    • Mulla Nasruddin's family was upset because the girl he was planning to marry was an atheist.

    • "We'll not have you marrying an atheist," his mother said.

    • "What can I do? I love her," the young Nasruddin said.

    • "Well," said his mother, "if she loves you, she will do anything you ask. You should talk religion to her. If you are persistent, you can win her over."

    • Several weeks went by, then one morning at breakfast the young Mulla seemed absolutely brokenhearted.

    • "What's the matter?" his mother asked. "I thought you were making such good progress in your talks about religion to your young girlfriend."

    • "That's the trouble," said Nasruddin. I over did it. Last night she told me that, she was so convinced that she is going to study to be a nun.
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • The Ramayana
    • One day, Mickey Mouse asks Donald Duck to tell him Ramayana.

    • Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses from Ramayana.

    • Mickey Mouse continues to listen. After completing the whole Ramayan, Donald Duck lets out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse, "Mickey Mouse, tell me... who was the father of Lord Ram?"

    • Mickey Mouse cannot. Angry, Donald duck, again asks, " Mickey Mouse!!! tell me... what was the capital of Ram's kingdom!"

    • Mickey Mouse cannot answer again.

    • Infuriated, Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard, and MickeyMouse goes and collides with a wall. As soon as he collides with the wall,he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana from start to end....

    • How did this happen???

    • Think Think....

    • After hitting the wall, Mickey becomes Wall-Mickey (Valmiki)...

    • ....... Bolo Jai Shree Ram
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM   
    • The English Teacher!
    • "Yo, Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.

    • My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks.

    • "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

    • "Yeah, you were my English teacher."

    • Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."
    • FUNNY   
    • Reaching Enlightenment!
    • Mulla Nasruddin was walking in the bazaar with a large group of followers. Whatever Nasruddin did, his followers immediately copied. Every few steps Nasruddin would stop and shake his hands in the air, touch his feet and jump up yelling "Hu Hu Hu!". So his followers would also stop and do exactly the same thing.

    • One of the merchants, who knew Nasreddin, quietly asked him: "What are you doing my old friend? Why are these people imitating you?"

    • "I have become a Sufi Sheikh," replied Nasreddin. "These are my Murids (spiritual seekers), I am helping them reach enlightenment!"

    • "How do you know when they reach enlightenment?"

    • "That's the easy part! Every morning I count them. The ones who have left - have reached enlightenment


    • Patient's Dilemma!
    • A woman called up the hospital and said,

    • "I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better,"

    • The RMO replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

    • The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

    • RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

    • Woman: No I am Rita Brown. No one tells me anything!
    • DOCTORS  48
    • All in the Name!
    • A guy walk into a bar and he orders a whiskey. He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your house burnt down!"

    • So he runs outside but then he thinks, "I don't have a house."

    • So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey.

    • Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"

    • And so he runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks, "I don't' have a dad."

    • So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!"

    • So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks, 'My name's not Bill.'
    • BAR  22
    • Killer English!
    • Killer English by Teachers:

    • PT Teacher: You three of you, stand together separately.

    • Geography Teacher: Will you hang that map or else I'll hang myself.

    • Principal: Tomorrow call your parents, especially Mother and Father.

    • And the terrific one:
    • English Teacher: Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I'm in the class!
    • FUNNY  89
    • Racing Nano!
    • A Nano breaks down on a roadside.

    • A BMW stops to help the driver.

    • "I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights"

    • They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds past 150km/h.

    • The BMW driver totally forgets about the nano & guns it after the Porsche.

    • Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ:

    • "Calling all stations, You won't believe this, I just saw a BMW & a Porsche racing past at about 190 km/h with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to Overtake."


    • Everyone has a Peculiarity!
    • A man who stuttered was asked why he did so. "It's my p-p-p-p-peculiarity," he answered. "Everybody has s-s-s-some p-p-p-p-peculiarity."
    • "I don't have any," said the questioner.

    • "Don't y-y-y-you s-s-stir your c-c-c-coffee with your r-r-r-right hand?"

    • "Yes, of course."

    • "Th-that's your p-p-p-p-peculiarity. Most p-p-p-people use a s-s-s-poon !"
    • FUNNY  15
    • Height of Ignorance!
    • Two best friends coming out of the examination hall with chips and coke in hands.
    • First friend: Yaa aaj kaun sa paper tha???

    • Second friend: Shayad Maths ka tha yaar, but I m not sure...

    • First friend (surprisingly): Oye, you read the question paper???

    • Second Friend: Arrey nahin yaar! Mere paas kahan time tha, I saw a girl sitting besides me using a calculator.
    • HINGLISH  45
    • Expensive Dress!
    • Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

    • Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

    • A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother.

    • Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

    • When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

    • Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.
    • MARRIAGE  4
    • Need a Break!
    • I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. Santa, my co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

    • A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

    • I told him I was a light bulb.

    • He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

    • I jumped down and walked out of the office....

    • When my co-worker, Santa followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"

    • Santa replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark


    • Dad's Role!
    • My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance.

    • "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

    • The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair."

    • Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

    • The older sister jumped right in, "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
    • CHILDREN   
    • Benefits of Being an Atheist
    • A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

    • However, the atheist had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

    • So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

    • A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
    • RELIGION   
    • Taweez ka kamaal!
    • Aurat: Baba ji, mera shohar ghar aatey hi mujhe maarna peetna shuru kar dete hain.

    • Baba ek taweez nikaal ke us aurat ko deta hai aur kehta hai: Woh jaise hi ghar aaye toh tum ye TAWEEZ apne daant ke neechey dabaa lena.

    • After 5 days...

    • Aurat: Baba Ji kamaal ho gaya. Taweez daant ke neechey dabane ka itna phayda hua ke ab woh mujhe kuch nahi kehte.

    • Baba: Ye phayda Taweez ka nahi, balki apni Zubaan band rakhne ka Hai...
    • HINGLISH   
    • A True Love Story!
    • This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting.

    • When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

    • She replied, "Can of peaches."

    • The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

    • The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

    • Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wife's behalf. The judge said, "What is it?"

    • The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas.


    • Up To Par!!!
    • Bill wasn't a very good golfer, but he sure dressed like one. He had a wicked slice that prevented him from ever reaching the green in two strokes, but on the day of the company golf tournament, no one could deny that he looked pretty sharp on the tee. That day, as usual, Bill sent his first drive deep into the woods.

    • "You'll never hit it out of there," his friends insisted.

    • "As God is my witness, I'm gonna make the green in two if it kills me," Bill replied.

    • With that, he smacked the ball as hard as he could. It hit the tree in front of him and came straight back, and hit him right between the eyes and he died.

    • When Bill appeared at the pearly gates, St. Peter looked at him and said, "Well, I can see by your outfit that you're a golfer! Are you any good?"

    • Bill replied, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
    • GOLF   
    • Religiously Driven
    • A teenager, who had just received her learner's licence for driving, offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

    • "Thank you!" said the mother as she got out of the car and breathed a sigh of relief.

    • "Anytime," her daughter replied.

    • As the mother closed the door she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
    • FUNNY   
    • Facebook Waala Gyaan
    • Once a father beats up his son and when son starts crying father says sorry.

    • Son says: Take a piece of paper. Crumble it. Fold it. Now open it and say 'sorry' to it. Are the scars on the paper gone?

    • Dad says: Take my scooter and try to start. does it start? Nahin naa. Now give it 3-4 kicks. Now does it start? Hua na. Saale tu wahi scooter hai, koi paper nahi. Aage se ye Facebook/WhatsApp wala gyaan apne baap ko mat dena.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Prison Riot!
    • The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?"

    • One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

    • "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked.

    • Replied the spokesman, "French Toast.


    • Law Class!
    • The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

    • The student replied, "Here's an orange."

    • The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

    • The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
    • LAWYERS   
    • It's Going to be a Bad Day if...
    • You wake face down on the footpath.

    • You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

    • Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

    • You want to put clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

    • You put on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

    • Your twin forgot your birthday.

    • The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.

    • The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

    • You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

    • Your blind date turns out to be your wife.

    • Your income tax cheque bounces.

    • You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

    • Your wife says 'Good morning Bill' and your name is Frank!
    • FUNNY   
    • Paranormal Phenomena!!!
    • A peculiarly scary thing was happening in a hospital's ICU. Every Sunday, with unfailing regularity, patients on bed number 5 died at 11 AM.

    • This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. To investigate the cause of such bizarre incidents, the doctors and nurses decide to keep strict vigilance.

    • A few minutes before 11 AM, the part time Sunday sweeper arrived. Whistling cheerfully, he unplugged the life support system of bed nnumber 5 and put the plug of his vacuum cleaner in it place!
    • DOCTORS   
    • Rich Doctor!!!
    • A girl brought home a man who was naked except for a loincloth. He had a painted face, feathered headgear and a spear in one hand.

    • "Father I have married the type of man you always wanted me to marry."

    • One look at his son-in-law and the father recoiled in horror.

    • "I had asked you to marry a 'Rich Doctor' not a 'Witch Doctor'!" he sputtered.


    • Right Diagnosis
    • Alarmed by the prolonged discussions of his case by a group of doctors by his bedside, a patient said, "There must be something terribly wrong with me."

    • "Why do you say that?" asked the doctor.

    • "All the other doctors seem to disagree with your diagnosis."

    • "Don't you worry." consoled the doctor. "In a similar case sometime back I stood firm on my diagnosis and the postmortem proved me right!"
    • DOCTORS   
    • Love Mariage!
    • Beta: Mummy kya love marriage karne se ghar wale naraaz hote hain?

    • Maa: Tu pakka kisi churail ke chakkar mein hoga or yeh sab tujhe usi daayan ne kaha hoga, ladkiyan to bus ladkon ko fasane mein hi lagi rehti hain, jahan achcha ladka dekha shuru ho jaati hain. Beta meri baat dhyaan se suno.. inke chakkron mein kabhi mat padna, inse bach ke rehna, yeh bahut smart aur dhokebaaz type ki hoti hain aur inka koi deen-imaan bhi...

    • Beta: Aisa kuch nahi hai mom, woh to daddy bata rahe the ki aap dono ki love marriage hui thi.
    • HINGLISH   
    • I am Rich!!!
    • Boy: Hiii...!

    • Girl: What?

    • Boy: How are you?

    • Girl: Do I know you?

    • Boy: Am RICH.

    • Girl: Oh! My name is Mary but you can call me "BABY". Am 19 and I stay in Lekki. I love short dark men like you, and am glad to meet you. So when are we going out? 

    • Boy: No! No! No! Rich is my name. It's the short form of Richard.

    • Girl: Sorry I don't talk to strangers.
    • FUNNY   
    • Job Interview
    • A guy was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job.

    • A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian.

    • He applied for the job and the personnel man asked him, "And what church do you belong to?"

    • "I am a Catholic," said the guy. "And all my family are Catholics. In fact, my father is a priest and my mother is a nun, Sir."


    • The Perks
    • Mulla Nasruddin was applying for a job.

    • "Does the company pay for my hospitalization?" he asked.

    • "No, you pay for it," the personnel director said. "We take it out of your salary each month."

    • "The last place I worked, they paid for it," said the Mulla.

    • "That's unusual," the personnel man said. "How much vacation did you get?"

    • "Six weeks," replied the Mulla.

    • "Did you get a bonus?" the personnel man asked.

    • "Yes," said the Mulla. "Not only that, they gave us an annual bonus, sent us a turkey on Thanksgiving, gave us the use of a company car and threw a big barbecue for us each year."

    • "Why did you leave?" asked the personnel director.

    • "They went busted," said Nasruddin.
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN  24
    • Jhootha... Dhokhebaaz...
    • 1st Girl: Aaj kal ke ladkon ka toh bilkul bhi bharosa nahin karna chahiye !!! Main toh ab uski shakl bhi nahin dekhungi.

    • 2nd Girl: Kyon kya hua ??? Uska kisi aur ke saath bhi chaakar hai? Ya tumne usko kisi aur ladki ke sath dekh liya ?

    • 1st Girl: Nahin usne mujhe kisi aur ladke ke sath dekh liya hai, jab ki woh kal bol raha tha ki wo out of city jaa raha hai... Jhootha.... Dhokhebaaz..... Kameena.....
    • HINGLISH  113
    • Ear to the Ground!
    • A busload of American tourists were heading towards Punjab on G.T. Road when suddenly the driver slammed on the brakes. Lying on the road in front was Santa with his ear to the ground. Passengers trooped out of the bus and crowded around him.

    • "Hey, what are you doing down there pal?" asked one of the tourists.

    • Santa slowly raised his head and replied, "Green Matador 25 km away travelling at 80 km."

    • "Wow," exclaimed the tourist, "You can tell us that by listening to the road?"

    • "No," croaked Santa, "I fell off the damned thing."
    • SANTABANTA  34
    • A True Gentleman!
    • A Girl to a Boy in a train: Can I sit here?

    • Boy: It' all yours.

    • Girl: Can I take some water?

    • Boy: Ya sure, my goodness.

    • Girl, thodi der ke baad: Bhaiya agla station kaun sa hai?

    • Boy: Mere baap ne mere bheje mein GPS fit nahi kar rakha hai, jaldi se seat khaali kar, mujhe neend aa rahi hai.


    • Using a Wheelbarrow...
    • A White Man visited Ozoro Community in Delta State and saw the people carrying blocks on their heads from a far distance to a building site, they were building a town hall.

    • The White Man felt pity on them, donated a wheel barrow and travelled back.

    • One month later, the white man came back. He was surprised to see that the work was still slow, even with a wheel barrow.

    • He looked around and got shocked to see the on-coming wheel barrow with a guy pushing it, and another guy sitting inside it, smiling, with a block on his head.
    • COMMUNITIES  11
    • The Baby Bump
    • Pappu: Papa Aunty ka pet itna kyun foola hua hai ?

    • Santa: I know ki, tu sab Jan ta hai, badmaash.

    • Pappu: Nahin papa, I don't know.

    • Santa: Chal, Chal, jhooth mat bol.

    • Pappu: Trust me dad, pease batao na, please, please, please...

    • Pappu: Wo, yaar... aunty ke pet mein paani bhara hua hai.

    • Pappu: Oh!... Achcha!!! Phir toh bachcha doob jayega...
    • HINGLISH  115
    • Gandhi and Professor Peters
    • When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.

    • One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

    • The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

    • Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

    • Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions.

    • Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?" Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

    • Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

    • "Each one take what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

    • Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down.

    • A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
    • CELEBRITIES  70
    • Punishing Pappu
    • Pappu ko hamesha school mein galtiyon ki wajah se maar ya daant padti rehti thi.

    • Ek din Pappu ne phir se hamesha ki tarah homework nahin kiya tha aur isliye teacher us ko daant raha tha.

    • Teacher: Sach-sach bata homework kyun nahi kiya? Sach bolna nahin toh chaddi utaar ke maarunga.

    • Pappu ne bade bholepan se poocha: Sir, jab galti meri hai toh phir ap kyun chaddi utaroge


    • Drugs For Husbands!
    • New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval...

    • ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries...

    • SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim...

    • SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV...

    • WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores...

    • SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently...

    • FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by...
    • FUNNY   
    • Always Love Your Husband
    • Love your husband when he orders you to make tea or coffee because he wants to feel fresh to listen your nonstop talks...

    • Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females because he is just checking that you are still the best ?

    • Love him if he criticises your cooking because he is still improving his taste.

    • Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep because he is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you.

    • Love him if he forgets to give you a gift on your birthday because he is saving money for your future.

    • Love him... Because you don't have a choice and killing is a legal offence.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Dominant Husband!!!
    • Judge: Kya naam hai tumhaara?

    • Mulzim: Huzoor, Ram Lal.

    • Judge: Tum ne 10 saal se apni wife ko dabaa ke, daraa ke, dhamka ke, apne control mein rakha hai.

    • Mulzim: Judge sahab vo aisa hai ki...

    • Judge: Khamosh!!! Main safaai nahin maang raha hun; tarika bata tarika!!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • T20 Format in Exams...
    • Cricket is getting excited day by day with the introduction of IPL and T20...

    • Same rules should be applied in Exams too!

    • 1. Exams Timing Should Be Reduced To One Hour.

    • 2. Power Play - No Invigilator In Exam Hall For 1st 15 mins.

    • 3. Cheer Leaders - To Dance After Every Right Answer Written.

    • 4. Strategic Time-Out - Time For Students For Discussion.

    • 5. Super Over - Chance For Students To Form Their Own Question.

    • Best wishes & best of luck for exams.



    • Wife Calls Hubby...
    • Wife: Khana kha liya?

    • Husband: Khana kha liya?

    • Wife: Batao na.

    • Husband: Batao na.

    • Wife: Pleaseee... batao na.

    • Husband: Pleaseee..... batao na.

    • Wife: Achcha ji! Meri naqal?

    • Husband: Achcha ji! Meri naqal?

    • Wife: I Love U!!!

    • Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Books Which Have No Content
    • The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

    • The Australian Book of Foreplay

    • The Book of Motivated Postal Workers

    • Americans' Guide to Etiquette

    • Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

    • Cultured Places to Travel in the USA

    • Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity

    • George Bush: Man of Peace

    • Contraception, by Pope John Paul II

    • Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

    • The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex

    • The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle

    • Consumer Marketing Ethics

    • John Howard: The Wild Years

    • Popular Lawyers

    • Career Opportunities for History majors

    • Everything Men Know about Women

    • Great Women Drives of Today

    • Home Built Airplanes, by John Denver

    • Things I Love About Bill, by Hillary Clinton

    • My Life's Memories, by Ronald Reagan

    • Things I can't Afford, by Bill Gates
    • FUNNY   
    • We Indians are Unique...
    • 1. Every Indian bachelor wants to marry a fair girl.

    • 2. When the doorbell rings, a male or kid goes to open the door and the females run for their dupatta. So, keep ur friends close but your dupatta closer.

    • 3. Picking up/dropping a relative (airport/railway stn) is an important family affair. Railway stns are like a stroll in the park.

    • 4. Every teenage girls first crush is Dhoni or Virat Kholi. Mothers approve!! Mothers dont approve film stars though!

    • 5. We thrive on street food and we dont get sick.

    • 6. Every indian mother has 2 careers... working/housewife + Match making.

    • 7. We have all had secret boyfriends/girlfriends. We dint care about them cheating on us but we dreaded getting caught by each others parents.

    • 8. Indian girls have 3 type of brothers.... Real brother, cousin brother, Rakhee brother. Every indian guy is definitely somebodys rakhee brother!

    • 9. The bride MUST cry at her Vidai. A bride has no business looking happy.

    • 10. We go on cleaning sprees only during diwali/Christmas or when we have guests coming over.

    • 11. However old we are, our parenrs need to know every detail of our schedule. Daily. No excuses. No exemption.

    • 12. When indian parents buy tickets, every child becomes under 12. Getting a half ticket is a huge victory!

    • 13. If we live in another city and dont call our mom daily , she'll freak out and call all our friends to make sure we are alive.

    • 14. We get embarrassed in front of our parents even when the word "sex" is written on a form to specify gender.

    • 15. No other nationality can beat indians in bargaining. "Chalo bhaiya . Na tera na mera. Itne paise theek hain."

    • 16. No matter if we are Convent educated. When we are actually angry, we switch to highly effective, dirty, Hindi swear words.

    • 16. We spend more time talking to guests at the door when they are leaving than while sitting in the living room.

    • 17. Why to change the remote batteries when u can just slap the shit out of the remote and make it work?

    • 18. Meeting a person with the same surname is like finding a long lost twin.
    • FUNNY   
    • Anything For Marks
    • Question: Why Ambulance is White in Colour? (15 marks)

    • Ans: Ambulance has Oxygen cylinder.

    • Oxygen is a Gas, and Gas is used 4 cooking Food.

    • Food is source of Vitamins, and we get Vit-D from the Sun.

    • Sun produces Light; and Light comes from bulbs. Small Bulbs are used to decorate Christmas tree... Christmas means Gifts, and Gifts are given by Santa.

    • Santa lives in North Pole, and North Pole is the house of Polar Bears.

    • Polar Bears are White... That's why Ambulance is White...

    • Do not play with Engineering students feelings. We can write anything for good marks.


    • The 500 Page Book
    • Doctor, pagal se: Ye kya hai?

    • Pagal: Ye maine 500 panno ki kitab likhi hai...

    • Doctor: Tumne 500 panno pe kya likha?

    • Pagal: 1st page pe likha hai Ek Raja ghode par baith ke jungal ki taraf chala, aur akhri page pe likha ke wo Raja jungle pahunch gaya.

    • Doctor: To Kaminey beech ke 498 panno pe kya likha???

    • Pagal: Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....
    • Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....

    • Doctor: Teri ye kahani padhega kaun ?

    • Pagal: WhatsApp par rakh dunga, mere jaise log juroor padhenge.
    • HINGLISH  199
    • Drinking Habits!
    • Mulla Nasruddin's young wife, recently returned from her honeymoon, was complaining to her friend about her husband's drinking habits.

    • "If you knew he drank, why did you marry him?" her friend asked.

    • "I did not know he drank," said Nasruddin's wife, "until one night he came home SOBER."
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN  14
    • When Santa Caught Spying...
    • Santa was caught by Mughal soldiers and they took him to their king Akbar.

    • Akbar: Kaun ho tum?

    • Santa: Jahanpanah, main Santa hun.

    • Akbar: Itni raat tum hamare mahal ke paas kya rahe the?

    • Santa, ghabraate hue: Ji... main...vo... kuch nahin.. bas aise hi...

    • Akbar: Sipahiyon, isko bandi bana do...

    • Santa pleads: Nahin Jahanpanah, aisa mat kariye, please mujhe banda hi rehne do.
    • HINGLISH  62
    • Mouse Trap!
    • Santa: I am in big trouble!

    • Banta: What happened?

    • Santa: I saw a rat in my house!

    • Banta: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

    • Santa: I don't have one.

    • Banta: Well then, buy one.

    • Santa: I can't afford one.

    • Banta: I can give you mine if you want.

    • Santa: That sounds good.

    • Banta: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the rat come to the trap.

    • Santa: I don't have any cheese.

    • Banta: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

    • Santa: I don't have oil.

    • Banta: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

    • Santa: I don't have bread.

    • Banta: Then what the hell is the rat doing in your house?


    • Innocent Daughter!
    • A girl was crying bitterly.

    • Mom: What happened dear?

    • Daughter: Mom do I look like a wicked witch?

    • Mom: No!

    • Daughter: Are my eyes big as toad?

    • Mom: No!

    • Daughter: Is my nose flat?

    • Mom: No baby!

    • Daughter: Am I fat like a bulldog?

    • Mom: You have a fine physique, you are a barbie doll!

    • Daughter: Then why people tell me that you look like your mom?
    • CHILDREN  222
    • Rules for the Air force Pilots
    • 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
    • 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
    • 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
    • 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
    • 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
    • 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
    • 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
    • 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
    • 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
    • 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
    • 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
    • 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
    • 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
    • 14. Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
    • 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
    • FUNNY  28
    • Grandma's Dilemma
    • The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she mwould write notes when she needed to communicate.

    • After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.

    • A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.

    • Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

    • A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

    • Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: "Bastards won't let me fart...!"
    • FUNNY  24
    • Facebook vs WhatsApp
    • Husband-Wife's Facebook and WhatsApp life...

    • On 'WhatsApp'

    • Wife: Ghar kab aa rahe ho???

    • Husband: Pata nahi dimaag mat khao... bahut kaam hai aaj...

    • On 'Facebook'

    • Wife: Dear when will you be back... you are the best husband in the world... miss you!!! Come back soon.

    • Husband: Thanks for being there always... so lucky to have a wonderful wife like you!!! Will be back soon honey.


    • Killing a Lion: Network Operator Style!
    • Vodafone Method:
    • Hire a lion, give him full rest, pay him more than his expectation, never ask him to do any hard work for 3 months. After 3 months tell him that now you have to fulfill your yearly target within 9 months. Otherwise you will be kicked out from the jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he loses this "lazy animals jungle", where will he go.

    • Reliance Method:
    • Hire a lion. Give him hell lot of work and pay him fat salary more than industry. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues, designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.

    • Tata Method:
    • Hire a lion and give him the post of a cat, ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.

    • Airtel Method:
    • Hire a lion and ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat. Lion dies out of strain.

    • BSNL Method:
    • Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular at least three times a week. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting license of any fox, wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom.

    • Aircel Method:
    • Recruits a lion, give him 50 kg meat everyday to eat when he can't eat more than 20 kg. Lion dies due to overeating.

    • Idea Method:
    • Recruits a lion, asks him to kill elephant without any pain and scratches to it. Lion is made a part of a CFT with ducks, rabbits and pigeons telling Lion how to kill Dinosaurs. Lion is provided with three wolves to help the killing but with a pre-condition that wolves will not run or move. Lion dies due to confusion and paradoxes.

    • Uninor Method:
    • Hire a lion. Give him hell lot of work and pay him fat salary more than industry. Daily celebrate stv day, bill him lots of stvs, change product every day, he will confused...

    • MTS is out of race as Russians don't know about Lions - they only know about Siberian Tigers!
    • FUNNY   
    • What a Massage!
    • "Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

    • Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

    • He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

    • Sure, go ahead! said the customer.
    • FUNNY   
    • Wife Won't Like It!
    • One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

    • Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"

    • "Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
    • "Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
    • "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
    • "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
    • She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
    • "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
    • After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

    • "Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    • "Under the cart!" I said.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Pyaar Ka Bhoot!
    • Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: "Mat kar intezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
    • Maine bhi keh diya: "Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai."

    • Phir khuda ne kaha: "Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega."
    • Muskura ke maine kaha: "Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega."

    • Phir khuda ne kaha: "Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hu." Maine kaha: "Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulvata hu.

    • Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: "Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai." Haas kar Maine kaha: "Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur Saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai."

    • Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.
    • =================================
    • Smart Move!
    • Santa walked into a bar one evening, sat down and said, "Bar man, give me 1 bottle of beer, and give everybody here 2 bottles. As I am drinking, let them be drinking."

    • The bar man obeyed. Everybody hailed Santa.

    • As they were all drinking, Santa said, "Bar man, give me 1 bowl of chicken soup, and give everybody here 2 bowls of chicken soup each, as I am eating, let them be eating."

    • The bar man obeyed. Everybody praised Santa.

    • Minutes later, Santa said, "Bar man, bring me my bill, and bring everybody their bill, as I am paying, let them be paying."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Truth and Lie!
    • The Sultan of a great city was annoyed by the cheats and liars who entered his gates and caused trouble. He therefore set soldiers at all entrances. The soldiers were under orders to hang those who lied about their purpose for wishing to enter.

    • The Mulla Nasruddin saddled his donkey and rode to the city.

    • At the gate a guard stopped him and asked his purpose in wishing to enter and warned him that a lie would result in his being hanged.

    • "This is good for I have come to be hanged." said Nasruddin.

    • "You are a liar and will certainly hang!" said the guard

    • "Then you know I have spoken the truth and should not be hanged." said Nasruddin.

    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • Keeping away the Elephants!
    • Santa travelling by train to Mumbai and was tearing bits out of a newspaper, rolling them into small balls and then chucking them out of the window.

    • Perplexed co-passenger: Why are you doing this?

    • Santa: To keep away the elephants.

    • Co-passenger: But there aren't any elephant around!

    • Santa: I know. Very effective, isn't it!
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Fussy Schoolteacher!
    • Nasruddin had a leaky ferry-boat, and used it to row people across the river. One day his passenger was a fussy schoolteacher, and on the way across he decided to give Nasruddin a test and see how much he knew.

    • "Tell me, Nasruddin, what are eight sixes?"

    • "I've no idea"

    • "How do you spell magnificence?"

    • "I don't"

    • "Didn't you study anything at school?"

    • "No."

    • "In that case, half your life is lost."

    • Just then a fierce storm blew up, and the boat began to sink.

    • "Tell me, schoolteacher," said Nasruddin. "Did you ever learn to swim?"

    • "No."

    • "In that case, your whole life is lost.


    • The Flatulent Horse!!!
    • As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

    • They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

    • Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

    • The Queen politely turns to President Obama, "Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

    • Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

    • Moral of the story: Silence is Golden!
    • CELEBRITIES  62
    • Sharing the Loot!
    • Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour and decided to go to a calm place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

    • As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

    • A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying, "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you..."

    • He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest, "Father, please come with me. Come and witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery."

    • They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voices continued, "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you..."

    • Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said, "What about the two at the gate?"

    • The priest almost ran past the church gate...shouting, "We are not dead yet oooohh!!!"
    • RELIGION  140
    • Kaamchor Husband!
    • Wife to her husband: Suno, aate hue zara kitchen se namak lete aana.

    • Husband (kitchen se): Yahan to koi Namak nahi hai.

    • Wife: Mujhe pata tha, tum toh ho hi andhe, kaamchor kahin ke. Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte, bas bahane banaate rehte ho, zindagi mein kuch to kaam karo. Mujhe pehle se hi pata tha ki tumhe nahin milega, isliye mein pehle hi le aayi thi.

    • Husband shocked!
    • HINGLISH  264
    • Free Whiskey
    • A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also.

    • The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol.

    • One day his friend told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk.

    • With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said, "What, and give up all that free whiskey?"


    • Nasruddin Delivers a Sermon
    • Once Mulla Nasruddin was invited to deliver a sermon. When he got on the pulpit, he asked, "Do you know what I am going to say?"

    • The audience replied, "No."

    • So he announced, "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about!" and left.

    • The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time, when he asked the same question, the people replied yes.

    • So Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time!" and left.

    • Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mulla to speak the following week.

    • Once again he asked the same question, "Do you know what I am going to say?"

    • Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "yes" while the other half replied "no".

    • So Nasruddin said Let the half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the half who don't, and left.
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • Shakki Pati...
    • Pehle Din:

    • Pati (phone par): Kahak ho?

    • Patni: Ghar mein hun darling.

    • Pati: Achcha agar Ghar mein ho to mixi chalao.

    • Patni mixi chalati hai..... grrrrr grrrrr grrrrr grrrrrr...

    • Pati: Achcha theek hai.

    • Dusre Din

    • Pati: Kahan ho?

    • Patni: Ghar pe hi hun darling.

    • Pati: Achcha agar Ghar mein ho to mixi chalao.

    • Patni mixi chalati hai..... grrrrr grrrrr grrrrr grrrrrr...

    • Pati: Acchha theek hai.

    • Teesre Din pati phone nahin karta aur ghar pahuch jata hai...

    • Pati, naukrani se: Maalkin kahan hai?

    • Naukrani: Pata nahi sahab, bahut der se kahi gayi hai lekin sahab... ek baat samajh nahi aayi - Maim saab saath mein mixi kyun le gayi?
    • HINGLISH   
    • Tension Generating Letter
    • Which is the most dangerous Alphabet?
    • Answer is 'W'.
    • All the worries get initiated with 'W'...
    • Who
    • Why
    • What
    • When
    • Which
    • Whom
    • Where
    • War
    • Wine
    • Whisky
    • Wealth
    • Work
    • Worries
    • Woman
    • & finally, believe it or not WIFE.

    • And the most dangerous question coming from W (wife).
    • Woh kaun thi ?

    • All the major things a (W)oman needs in her lifetime start with the Letter 'M'?
    • Man.
    • Money.
    • Make-Up.
    • Motor Car.
    • Movies.
    • Masti.
    • Mall.
    • Last but not the least....the 2 most important......
    • Maid & Maaikewaale.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Fastest Bird!
    • Teacher: Kaun si chidiya sabse fast urti hai...........??

    • Student: Mam, Haathi !!

    • Teacher: Nalayak!!! Tera baap kya karta hai.......??

    • Student: Ji woh Al Qaida mein aatankwadi ka kaam karte hai !!!

    • Teacher: Shabash beta! Likho bacchon, answer likho, HAATHI.


    • The Literate Dog...
    • A young boy from Pune goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money he calls home.

    • "Pita ji," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad (IIMA) that will teach our dog, Moti, how to talk!"

    • "That's amazing," his father says. "How do I get Moti in that program?"

    • "Just send him down here with Rs. 1,00,000" the young boy says "and I'll get him in the course."

    • So, his father sends the dog and Rs. 1,00,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

    • "So how's Moti doing son?" his father asks.

    • "Awesome, Pita ji, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    • "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Moti in that program?"

    • "Just send Rs 2,00,000, I'll get him in the class."

    • The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    • "Where's Moti? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    • "Pita ji," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Moti was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading The Economic Times, like he usually does. Then Moti turned to me and asked, so, is your father still messing around with that little pretty Champa who lives down the street?"

    • The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    • "I sure did, Pita ji!"

    • "That's my boy!"

    • The kid went on to law school, and now serves in New Delhi as a Member of Parliament.
    • FUNNY  77
    • Pappu Rocks!
    • Ek aadmi apne dost ke ghar gya. Door-bell bajane pe Pappu bahar aaya.

    • Aadmi: Beta apne papa ko bulao.

    • Pappu: Ji wo nahi hai, wo bazar gye hain.

    • Aadmi: Achcha toh bade bhai ko bulao.

    • Pappu: Wo apne dosto ke saath cricket khelne gya hai.

    • Aadmi: Achcha aapki mummy to ghar par hongi...??

    • Pappu: Nahi, wo apni saheliyon ke saath picnic par gyi hain.

    • Aadmi irritate ho kar gusse mein bola: Abe toh tu akela ghar pe kya kar rha hai tu bhi kahin chala jata?

    • Pappu: Haan, tabhi to main yahan apne dost ke ghar aaya hun...!!!
    • HINGLISH  280
    • Secret of a Happy Marriage!
    • A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

    • For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

    • In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

    • "When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

    • The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

    • "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?

    • "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
    • MARRIAGE  48
    • Bhagavat Gita - 19th Chapter
    • Arjun: Hey Vasudev, how can I do the most heinous and unpardonable act of forwarding junk mail that I receive, to my friends, relatives and revered elders?

    • Krishna: Hey Paartha, at this moment, none of them is your friend or foe, relative or in-law, young or old and good or evil. You have no escape from following your Net-Dharma. Make haste to log on and send off the junk mail to one and all. That is the only Karma expected of you and Dharma you must follow.

    • Arjun: Hey Murari ! Do not implore me to do something that pricks my conscience and stirs my soul.

    • Krishna: O Kunti-Puthra, you are caught in the vicious circle of the Maya. In this material world, you are committed to no one except to yourself, your Dharma and your mouse. Junk mails have existed for the last 25 years and will remain long after you are gone. Rise above the Maya and perform your bounden duty.

    • Arjun: Lord Krishna, pray and enlighten me on how junk mail is related to the Maya.

    • Krishna: Vatsa, junk mail is the 6th element in the universe - Aap, Vaayu, Jal, Agni, Aakaash and Junk Mail. It is at the same time animate and inanimate, living and dead beat. It overloads the system and fills up the hard disk. But it serves one great purpose. It leads people to believe that they are filling their time in an intellectual pursuit by reading and reforwarding junk mail. It gives them a sense of achievement without investing their intellect and efforts. Like the Atman that leaves one's physical body and moves on to another, the junk mail moves from system to system and never gets deleted or dies.

    • Arjun: Great Giridhaari, kindly tell me what the true attributes of junk mail are?

    • Krishna: Neither fire can burn it, nor air can evaporate it. Neither can it be conquered nor can it be defeated. Junk mail is omnipresent and immortal like your noble and eternal soul. Unlike an arrow shot from your bow, many a time the junk mail forwarded by you, will even return to you safely after some months or even years, allowing you to re-re-forward it to the same people.

    • Arjun: Great Saarathi, my salutations to you. You have opened my eyes to the cult of junk mail. I was lost in the Maya and have been reading all the junk mail that I keep receiving and doing no other Karma. Now on, I will just press the "Forward" button without reading any of it and send it to all and sundry, friends and foes, relatives and in-laws, young and old. That will surely bring them to their knees in this epochal battle of Good against Evil, in the Kurukshetra.

    • Krishna: Arjuna, victory or defeat is not in your hands. Do not ponder over the fruits of your labour. Just keep forwarding junk mail and make one and all go bananas reading it and you will have done your supreme duty. Tathastu.


    • The Uninvited Guests!
    • At a party, the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

    • Then her husband got an idea. He turned to the crowd of the guests and said, "Will everyone from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About 20 people stood.

    • Then he asked, "Will everyone from the groom's side of the family stand up please?"

    • About 25 people stood up.

    • Then he smiled and said, "Will everyone who stood please LEAVE... This is a 'Birthday Party'!!!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Going on a Date!
    • One night, Mulla Nasrudin's father noticed a light in his barn. He went to see what it was all about and he found Nasrudin with a lantern, all dressed up.

    • "What are you doing all dressed up and with that lantern?" asked his father.

    • "I am going to call on my girlfriend, Dad," said Nasrudin. "I have got to go through the woods and it is dark."

    • "When I was your age calling on my wife for the first time," said the father, "I went through the woods without a lantern."

    • "I KNOW," said Nasruddin, "BUT LOOK WHAT YOU GOT, DAD!"
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN   
    • Admission Form!
    • College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin naam likhna tha.

    • Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.

    • College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam ?

    • Student: Ji Janak Puri.

    • College Clerk: Achch Dadaji ka naam ?

    • Student: Trilok Puri.

    • College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maaji ka naam bhi bata do.

    • Student: Maya Puri.

    • College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhari admission ke liye.

    • Student: Ji mera bara bhai yeh.

    • College Clerk: Aapka naam ?

    • Bhai: Govind Puri!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Stunningly Beautiful...
    • I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

    • Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

    • I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

    • He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

    • I said, "No, she's an optician."


    • Breakup Letter!
    • A man woke up from sleep and found a letter on top of the fridge.

    • He took the letter and it reads: It is no more working and I can not continue staying here, I am gone and till something is done about it, I am not going to come back.

    • He opened the fridge and brought out a chilled drink and took a sip.

    • With surprise on his face, he said, "But the fridge is working now! What the hell is she talking about?"
    • FUNNY   
    • Gharelu Totkey!
    • 1. Agar aapko kutta kaat le to aap usay kaat lein, hisaab baraabar....

    • 2. Doodh phat jaaye to safed dhagay se siii lein.... Kisi ko pataa nahi chalega.

    • 3. Agar aap ke baal girtay hon to mundan karwa lein, Phir nahi girenge.....

    • 4. Agar rang gora karna ho toh, machhli kha k doodh pee lein, Safed ho jaaoge....

    • 5. Agar gale me dard ho to kisi se gala dabwa lain... Phir kabhi dard nahi hoga....

    • 6. Agar aap ke paaon ki ediyan phat jayen aur koi cold cream asar na kare to aap sui dhaaga lekar siii lain....

    • 7. Agar aap ke haath main bahut dard hai to ek mazboot hatthaudi lain aur zor se paaon pe maaren... Yaqeen karen aap haath ka dard bhool jaayenge....

    • 8. Agar aap ke daant me keeda lag jaaye to ek do haftay tak kuchh Khayen peeyen nahi... Keera andar hi bhookha mar jaayega...

    • 9. Agar aap ko raat main neend nahi aati to aankhon main ek ek Drop Elfy daal lain, Aap ko neend bhi achchhi aayegi aur subah aankh bhi nahi khulegi....

    • Totkon se phayda ho toh duaon mein yaad rakhana.... Warna khush to main waise bhi hoon....
    • HINGLISH   
    • Lesser Known facts about Arnab
    • Once Rajnikanth taught a baby to talk...that baby was named Arnab Goswami.

    • Arnab's wife never argues with him as she is afraid of losing.

    • Most of the self proclaimed evidence papers he waves on his show Newshour are grocery lists written by his wife.

    • When Arnab Goswami was in school, he used to answer every question with 33 questions.

    • Arnab Goswami's maid once fainted due to low BP after Goswami questioned her absence from duty .

    • Once a service manager at a prominent 5-star hotel asked Arnab for feeback on his stay. The manager was released only after Goswami asked him 74 questions.

    • To calculate the longest Arnab Goswami has ever paused, IIT - Delhi is working on a device that can record time in nanoseconds.

    • Proposed airport near Times Now studio cancelled as noise from The Newshour could weaken structure.

    • Bennet & Coleman is proposing to place a mini turbine inside Arnab Goswami's throat, the resultant electricity can power all the Times group buildings in Delhi Area.

    • Pakistan's former dictator Parvez Musharraf had 5 military interrogators question him non-stop for 34 hours in preparation for his first appearance on Newshour.

    • If Arnab Goswami had been in Jail with Kasab... the hanging won't happen because Arnab won't let him complete his sentence!!

    • To commemorate Arnab Goswami's 1000th "Debate", a new all-caps font is being released that seems like it is shouting at you. It will be called the TIMES NOW ROMAN.

    • From the moon, you can see the Great Wall of China............ and you can hear Arnab Goswami shouting 'The Nation Wants to Know' !!!

    • Arnab Goswami is fluent in English, but weak in Grammar... he has not mastered the full stop and comma!
    • CELEBRITIES   
    • Luncheon Special
    • Customer: "What's the luncheon special today?"

    • Waiter: "Beef tongue with onions."

    • Customer: "Oh, yuck!! I could never eat anything that was in a cow's mouth!!"

    • Waiter: "Very well. What will you have?"

    • Customer: "Gimme a couple fried eggs.


    • Signature Forgery!
    • Santa lost his cheque booklet.

    • He decided to go to the bank after two days to report.

    • The Bank manager said to him, "But I warned you to be very careful with your cheque book because anyone can forge your signature."

    • Santa replied, "I am not a fool Sir, I have signed all the cheques already, so, they won't have space to forge my signature!"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • I'm Sorry!
    • Ek Budha ek ladki se takra gaya.

    • Budha ladki se bola: Sorry...

    • Ladki: Andha hai kya..... Dikhta nahi hai... Is umar mein bhi ye sab... Pata nahin kahan se aa jaate hain!!!

    • Yeh bolkar jaise hi woh ladki aage badhi, ek handsome sa ladka us se takra gaya.

    • Ladka: Sorry...

    • Ladki, sharmaate hue, "Koi baat nahin. it's okay!!!

    • Wo budha uncle ye sab dekh raha tha. Woh agey bada aur ladki se pucha: MERI SORRY KI SPELLING GALAT THI KYA??
    • HINGLISH   
    • HALLELUJAH!!!
    • A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    • And the congregation cried,"Amen!"

    • "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

    • And the congregation cried,"Amen!"

    • "And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

    • Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    • The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, "We shall drink from that river."

    • THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED, "HALLELUJAH!!!"
    • RELIGION   
    • You Are Not My Dad Anymore
    • Father, apne bete se: Agar iss baar tum exam mein fail hue toh mujhe kabhi papa mat kehna.

    • Exams ke kuch dinon ke baad jab result aaya tab baap ne bete ko apne room mein bualaya.

    • Father: How is your result?

    • Beta kuch nahin bolta aur chup-chaap sir jhukaye khada rehta hai.

    • Father: Behre ho gye ho kya? Maine pucha ki result kaisa raha tumhara?

    • Beta: Arre dimag ka dahi mat kar BABULAL tum baap hone ka haq kho chuke ho


    • Change of Mind!
    • Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding.

    • After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over.

    • Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

    • "What do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Sullivan.

    • "Well`, said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"
    • MARRIAGE  43
    • Laila Following Majnu!
    • Laila ne Majnu ko ek ped ke peeche dekha aur Boli: Tum Majnu ho na ??

    • Majnu Bola: Haan.

    • Phir kuch der baad Laila ne Majnu ko jhadiyon ke peeche dekha toh vo boli: Tum Majnu ho na ??

    • Majnu Bola: Haan, main Majnu hi hoon.

    • Phir kuch der baad us ne Majnu ko ek diwaar ke peeche dekha aur pucha: Tum Majnu hi ho na ??

    • Majnu bola: Haan-haan Laila... main Majnu hi hoon, tum mujhe susu karne dogi ya nahin???
    • HINGLISH  356
    • Lamaze Class
    • A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

    • The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

    • The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

    • "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

    • "Exactly," replied the instructor.

    • To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
    • MARRIAGE  46
    • Feeling Lonely!
    • A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening.

    • "I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.

    • "I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

    • "Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

    • "Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids


    • Scientists Competition!
    • Once there was a competition conducted with Scientists from America, France and China.

    • The Americans reported: "We crossed chickens with cows. And now the new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs."

    • On this, Scientists from France came with the report: "We crossed flies and bees. Now, the hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey."

    • Chinese gave others run for their money.

    • They said: "We crossed a melon with cockroaches. And now when you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves..."
    • FUNNY   
    • A True Fact of Private Job Life
    • Beemar Employee se uski biwi boli: Iss bar koi Janwaron ke Doctor ko dikhao tabhi aap theek hoge??

    • Pati: Woh Kyon ??

    • Biwi: Roz Subah Murge ki tarah Jaldi Uthh Jate ho...
    • Ghode ki tarah Bhag-Bhag ke Office chale Jate ho...
    • Gadhe ki tarah dinbhar kaam karte ho...
    • Lomadi ki tarah idhar-udhar se information batorkar report banate ho...
    • Bandar ki tarah client ke ishare par nachte ho...
    • Ghar aakar pariwar par kutte ki tarah chillate ho....
    • Aur fir bhainse ki tarah khaa kar so jate ho...
    • Insaano ka Doctor tumhe kya theek kar payega !!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Wake up Boys!!!
    • Valentine died for love,
    • Romeo also died for love,
    • Jack in Titanic died for love,
    • Samson in the Bible died for love,
    • Greek heroes Hercules and Achilles died 4 love.
    • Even Jesus Christ died for love!
    • Where are the women?

    • Don't buy any woman a Valentine's treat/ Gift/ Diamond ring this year until she gives you atleast 5 names of women who died for love...
    • Because no woman would die for love...

    • Wake up guys... Jaago Boyfriends jaago.
    • FUNNY   
    • The Real Bitch!
    • EK shaitaani Chudel ne 60 saal ke husband & wife se kaha: Main tum dono ki ek ek wish puri kar sakti hun.

    • Wife: Main apne pati ke saath saari duniya ghoomna chaahti hun.

    • Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur 2 tickets aa gaye.

    • Phir husband se poochha: Tum bolo kya chaahte ho??

    • Husband: Mujhe apne se 30 saal chhoti wife chaahiye.

    • Chudel ne chutki bajayi aur husband ko 90 saal ka kar dia!!!

    • Moral: Aadmi ko yaad rakhna chaahiye ke Chudel bhi aurat hi hoti hai.


    • Repeat and Repeat and Repeat...
    • A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.

    • "The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition, repetition is the keynote!" he advised.

    • "If you have a product to sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"

    • "Yes, sir!" the employee answered.

    • "And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.

    • The employee replied, "An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment! An increment!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Urgent Call!
    • Ek husband market jaata hai aur kisi kaam se apni wife ko call karta hai.

    • Husband: Helloo, call me Shonu.
    • Wife: Mera Shona Babu....

    • Husband: Arrrrre.... Call Me Sweetheart...
    • Wife: My sweetu... Sweetheart....

    • Husband: Ufffff...... Call me Honey...
    • Wife: Mera hannu darling....

    • Husband: O pagal aurat, call kar mujhe, balance nahi hai aur mujhe bahut zaroori kuch puchna hai, emergency hai...

    • Wife: Oho... ok ok... Sorry... Sorry.. Abhi karti hu!
    • HINGLISH   
    • What's WhatsApia ?
    • There's a new illness discovered at the University of Bheja. It's a condition called "WhatsApia".

    • The symptoms are:
    • 1. Having an app called WhatsApp.

    • 2. Constantly checking to see if you have messages.

    • 3. Checking if someone has been online and why they haven't replied to you.

    • 4. Anxiety that you must reply or the other person will feel bad.

    • 5. Expecting comments if you change your profile pic and/or update your status.

    • 6. Pretending to listen to someone, while busy chatting on whatsapp.

    • 7. First thing when you wake up needing your dose of whatsapp.

    • 8. Copying this message and pasting in other groups.

    • The only treatment for it is to dump your smart phone!
    • COMPUTER AND TECHNOLOGY   
    • Career Or Stand!
    • An Officer was rewarded a bicycle by his Commanding Officer for a job well done. It was a beautiful cycle but didn't have a carrier at the back.

    • He requested his Orderly to get it fixed. When the cycle came back with the carrier fitted, he noticed that now the stand is missing. He asked about the missing stand.

    • The Orderly replied, "CO Sahib ke paas gaya toh unhone carrier toh sanction kar diya par stand nikaalne ke liye hukam diya..."

    • Youngster went up to the Old Man and asked for the reason for this order.

    • The CO replied, "Lesson for you, Young man, Fauj Mein Ek Cheez Hi Possible Hai... CAREER Ya STAND... Agar STAND Loge Toh CAREER Khatam Aur Agar CAREER Banana Hai Toh Kabhi... STAND Mat Lena... make your choice."


    • Awkward Questions!
    • Santa noticed that Banta was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong.

    • "Well," said Banta, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

    • "What kind of question?" asked Santa.

    • "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

    • "That's easy," said Santa. "You just say 'Of course I will.'"

    • "Yeah," said Banta, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Rainy Day Laundry Blues
    • Santa jab bhi kapde dhota, baarish ho jaati thi.

    • Ek subah Santa ne dekha ki mausam bilkul saaf hai, aasmaan bilkul clear lag raha tha aur dhoop bhi nikal rahi thi. Usne socha ki aaj kapde dho leta hun.

    • Santa bhagwan ka shukriya kiya aur breakfast kar ke 11 baje dukaan se surf lene ke ghar se nikal pada.

    • Thodi der baad toofan chalna shuru ho gaya, badal bhi garazne lage, aur bijli bhi chamakne lagi.

    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • Tabhi Santa aasman ki taraf muh kar ke bola: Kidhar,... Kahan,...??? Arre nahi prabhu, main toh biscuit lene jaa raha hun.... Aap bhi na....
    • HINGLISH   
    • Stolen Turkey!
    • Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Dewey said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

    • "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

    • "I tried," Dewey sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

    • "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

    • Thanking the Priest, Dewey hurried off.

    • When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
    • RELIGION   
    • Office Hours
    • Boss: Kahan gaye the ?

    • Employee: Baal katwane.

    • Boss: Office hours mein?

    • Employee: Baal badhe bhi to office hours mein hee hai...

    • Boss: Ghar mein bhi to badhte hain.

    • Employee: To poore thode hee katwaye hai.


    • Babaji ka Thullu!
    • Husband: I love you.
    • Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

    • Husband: I will die for you.
    • Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

    • Husband: I can't live without you.
    • Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

    • Husband: I can do anything for you.
    • Wife: Babaji ka thullu.

    • Husband: I will give you diamond ring.
    • Wife: Really???
    • Husband: Babaji ka thullu...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Love Advice from Men!
    • Hi Uncle Tom,
    • I am a lady aged 26, I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home, I drove for just about 2 km from home & my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another car, when I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid, I don't know what to do now please help me.
    • From Anonymous

    • Uncle Tom's Reply:
    • Dear Anonymous,
    • Over heating of the engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator, you need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey, you must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future hope this helps.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • I'm Jesus Christ!!!
    • A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

    • He says, "I'm Jesus Christ."

    • The first priest says, "No, son, you're not."

    • So the drunk says it to the second priest.

    • The second priest says, "No, son, you're not."

    • The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests.

    • The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
    • BAR   
    • Seeking a Perfect Groom!
    • Pandit ek ladki waale ghar mein shaadi k liye ladke ki baat karne gaya.

    • Pandit: Aap logon ko kaisa ladka chahiye?"

    • Ladki Wale: Humein aisa ladka chahiye jo paan, cigarette, daaru, gutkha, jarda ya aur koi bhi nashe na karta ho, boiled khana khata ho aur bhagwaan ka naam jaapta ho.

    • Pandit: Yajman ji, aisa ladka toh aapko sirf ICU mein hi mil sakta hai.


    • Polishing Apples!
    • A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

    • The old guy said: Son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression I was down to my last nickel. I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it. At the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents!

    • The next day, I invested those 10 cents in 2 apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents.

    • I continued this 4 a month. By the end of which I had accumulated a fortune of $.1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us 2 Million Dollars...!

    • MORAL: Hard Work Is Just Shit. Find A Chick Whose Father Is Rich.
    • MARRIAGE  89
    • Doctor's Expressions!
    • When Bobby Darling was born, Doctor said: Mubarak ho, Dhokha hua hai.

    • When Ekta Kapoor was born, doctor said: Mubarak ho. Mubarak ho. Mubarak ho. Kaun hua hai, jaanne ke liye dekhiye agla episode.

    • When Manmohan Singh was born, Sholay was playing on the hospital TV, and AK Hangal said: Itna sannata kyun hai bhai?

    • When Prabhudeva was born, the doctor said: Thoda bachcha hilna band karega toh check karke batate hain.

    • When Arnab Goswami was Born - Before Doctors could say anything, Arnab Said: C'mon Tell me... How you pulled me? Nation wants to know That.

    • When Kangana Ranawat was born the doctors said: Mubalak ho ek totali beautiful girl hui hai.

    • When Rahul Gandhi was born, Doctor said: Mubarak ho, aapke sath majaak hua hai.

    • When Daya was born - Doctors ran away to open all the doors of hospital.

    • When Kamaal R Khan was born, Doctor tried to push him in.

    • When Tusshar Kapoor was born, the doctor said to Jeetendra: Maaf kar dijiye. Galti ho gayi.

    • When Nargis Fahkri was born doctor said mubaraq ho Duck ki behen Hui hai.

    • When Harman Baweja was born doctors said: Hrithik hua hai.
    • HINGLISH  165
    • Round of Drinks!!!
    • A British guy walks into a bar in Central London and before he could order his drink, he notices a Sikh man wearing a turban.

    • Having a personal grudge against sardars, the British guy says loudly to the bartender to the advantage of everyone seated in the bar, "Drinks for everyone in here, except for the Sikh sardar over there."

    • The first round of drinks were served, and the Sikh guy gives him a smile, gestures to him saying, "Thank you!" in a loud voice.

    • The British guy is upset and again orders loudly to the bartender to serve another round of drinks to everyone except the Sardar.

    • The Sardar seems to be unruffled and he continues to smile, and yells back, "Thank you!"

    • The British guy is mad by now and asks the bartender, "What's wrong with this Sardar? I've insulted him by ordering drinks for everyone but him, and yet he smiles back and keeps thanking me. Has he lost his mind?"

    • "No, Sir," replies the bartender. "He is the owner of this place."
    • FUNNY  91
    • Bechara Doctor...
    • Doctor: Tabiyat kaisi hai ab?
    • Mareej: Pahle se jyada kharaab hai?

    • Doctor: Dawai kha li thi?
    • Mareej: Khali nahi thi bhari hui thi.

    • Doctor: I mean dawai le li thi?
    • Mareej: Ji aap hi se toh li thi.

    • Doctor: Bewakoof dawai pee li thi?
    • Mareej: Nahi ji dawai neeli thi.

    • Doctor: Abe gadhe dawai ko pee liya tha?
    • Mareej: Nahi ji peeliya to mujhe tha.

    • Doctor: Ullu ke patthe dawai ko khol k muh me rakh liya tha?
    • Mareej: Nahi aap hi ne to kaha tha ki fridge me rakhna.

    • Doctor: Abe kya mar khayega?
    • Mareej: Nahi dawai khaunga.

    • Doctor: Nikal sale, tu pagal kar dega.
    • Mareej: Ja raha hun, par phir kab aaun?
    • Doctor: Kayamat ke baad.
    • Mareej: Kayamat ke kitne din baad?
    • Doctor behosh...


    • Three Most Influential People !
    • God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world. President of USA Barrack Obama, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh.

    • "The world will end," God told them. "You must go and tell the people."

    • Obama, made a live statement on TV, "I've good news and BAD news." he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world."

    • The second person, Xi Jinping sent out a worldwide message, "I've bad news and WORSE news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along - there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."

    • Third person, Manmohan Singh immediately calls up Sonia Gandhi and says, "I've good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we do not have to worry about how to stop Modi or Kejriwal from becoming PM."
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • RahulSpeaksToArnab Creates Buzz
    • Rahul - Arnab Interview at Times Now trending on FB and Twiiter...

    • Rahul and Arnab had well rehearsed the interview. The only problem was Arnab changed the sequence of questions.

    • This is like watching 2 different shows. Arnab's questions and Rahul's answers.

    • This show should be re-recorded with the Filmfare awards laughter track.

    • Rahul Gandhi has now said 'empowering women' more number of times than total women population of the country.

    • Kapil Sharma is going to sue Rahul Gandhi for being a threat to his career as a comedian.

    • Q: Price Rise...
    • A: Empower women.
    • Q: 2G
    • A: Empower women.
    • He needs to get married soon to understand about empowered women."

    • Update: Narendra Modi leading 1-0 after self goal by Rahul Gandhi.

    • After Rahul's Interview with Arnab, Kapil Sharma loses his job, from next weekend colors tv will telecast, "ROFL nights with Rahul"

    • If you missed, Rahul Gandhi interview with Arnab will be repeated on Pogo Channel !!!

    • Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember Rahul Gandhi had a so called interview with Arnab!

    • After RG's interview with interview, Congress realised why MMS remains quiet!

    • The similarly between Rahul Gandhi and Namo is that both inspire you to vote for the opposition!

    • A special show of Comedy with Kapil telecast on Times Now with special guest being RG!

    • Moral Victory for Congress: Rahul Gandhi's interview beat the TRP of NaMo's event at Mumbai. ~ Omar Abddullah on Twitter

    • Maybe the idea was to counter Modi Wave with Sympathy Wave for Rahul Gandhi.

    • Rahul Gandhi was behaving like Gutthi. Women-Party Party-Empowerment Empowerment-Youth Youth-RTI System-Women 

    • Three little Indian boys in the election zoo; One gave an interview and then there were two.

    • We live in a country where we take our comedians seriously and our politicians as a joke.
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Big Decision!
    • One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

    • "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

    • "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

    • "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
    • FUNNY   
    • My Computer!!!
    • Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user...

    • Help-desk: Mam, please double click on 'My Computer'.

    • Lady: I can't see your computer.

    • Help-desk: No... Click on 'My Computer' on your computer.

    • Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ?

    • Help-desk: There is an icon labelled 'My Computer' on your computer... double click on it.

    • Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer ? The help-desk boy put down the phone.


    • Family's Introduction
    • A man fron UP is introducing his family:

    • 1. Yeh hai meri biwi..... Google Raani... Ek sawal poocho toh 10 jawab deti hai...!!!

    • 2. Yeh hai mera beta.... Facebook Kumar... Ghar ki baat sare colony tak pahuchata hai...!!!

    • 3. Yeh hai meri beti.... Twitter Kumari... Poori colony isko folow karti hai...!!!

    • 4. Aur mein, mein hun Orkut Kumar... Mujhe koi puchhta hi nahi...!!!
    • HINGLISH  480
    • Wedding Speech!
    • Wedding speech from modern girl to her in laws:

    • My dear new family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new house...

    • Firstly I must tell you that my presence here should not change your life routines...

    • Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it... Those cooking must keep cooking... Those cleaning must keep cleaning... I'll not disturb anybody's routine...

    • So far as I'm concerned, I'm here only to:
    • Eat BUN,
    • Have FUN and
    • Entertain yiur SON!!!
    • MARRIAGE  172
    • Girl's Reactions!
    • Reactions of a Girl without a boyfriend:
    • 1) Main nahi padti in chakkaro meine..!
    • 2) Mere liye mere gharwale important hain aur unke saamne boyfriend kuch bhi nahi...!
    • 3) Sab Ladke Ek Jaise Hi Hote Hain..!!

    • Same Girl after having a boyfriend:
    • 1) Yaar pata nahi kaise ho gaya pyaar, uske siway kuch nahi dikhta ab mujhe..!!
    • 2) Gharwalon ko manana padega kaise bhi, I can't leave him and mein uske bin nahin rah sakti..!!
    • 3) Wo baaki ladkon ki tarah nahi hai, he loves me a lot..!!
    • HINGLISH  303
    • A Lesson in Logic!
    • "This is a lesson in logic," said the old professor in the teahouse. "If the show starts at nine and dinner is at six, and my son has the measles, and my brother drives a Cadillac, how old am I?"

    • "You are eighty-four," replied Mulla Nasruddin promptly.

    • "Right," said the professor. "Now tell the rest of the fellows here how you arrived at the correct answer."

    • "It is easy," said Nasruddin. "I have got an uncle who is forty-two, and he is only half nuts. You must be eighty-four.


    • The Poor Chap!
    • Ek ladke ki shaadi ek bahut hi khubsurat ladki se fix hui.

    • Woh dono hamesha WhatsApp par baatein karte rahte the.

    • Phir kuch time ke baad dono ki shaadi ho gayi. First night ko ladke ne jab ladki ka ghoongat uthakar: Tum wakai bahut hi khubsurat ho... Tumhe kya gift karun...

    • Ladki sharmati hui boli: Humto toh aap taa Dill Taaiye.....

    • Bechaara ladka, Whatsapp ki jagah ek call kar leta to bach jaata.....
    • HINGLISH  317
    • Act Like a Gentleman!
    • One day Mulla Nasrudin visited a large department store to buy his wife some nylon hose.

    • Inadvertently, he got caught in a mad rush at a counter where a bargain sale was going on. He soon found himself being pushed and stepped on by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could. Then with head lowered and elbows out, he plowed through the crowd.

    • "You there!" said a woman. "Can't you act like a gentleman? "

    • "NOT ANYMORE," said Nasrudin. "I HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE A GENTLEMAN FOR AN HOUR. FROM NOW ON, I AM ACTING LIKE A LADY."
    • MULLA NASRUDDIN  59
    • How Was I Born?
    • Pappu to his Mom: Mumma... Main kaise paida hua tha?

    • Mom: Maine ek box me mitti daal kar rakh di thi, kuch din baad uss mein se tum mile mujhe.

    • Pappu did the same thing...

    • Jab Kuch din baad usne jaa kar box khola aur dekha ki usmein ek Cockroach tha.

    • Pappu (Gussey se): Dil to karta hai ki tujhe goli maar dun... Par kya karu..!? Aaulad hai tu meri...!!!
    • HINGLISH  173
    • The Boring Speaker!
    • The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop Button. He burbled on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience.

    • Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him.

    • It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.

    • As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him.


    • Pappu and Maggi Noodles
    • Interviewer: Agar 2 minute ke liye aapko pradhanmantri bana diya jaye toh aap kya karenge???

    • Pappu: Hum Maggi noodles banayenge.

    • Interviewer: Why???

    • Pappu: Kyunki 2 minute mein toh sirf Maggi hi ban sakti hai.

    • Interviewer: Aur agar 5 saal ke liye bana diya jaye toh???

    • Pappu: Hum 5 saal ke liye pradhanmantri nahin banenge.

    • Interviewer: Why???

    • Pappu: Arre mam, itni Maggi kaun khayega?
    • HINGLISH   
    • Post Dated Cheque
    • A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

    • The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

    • "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

    • The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

    • FUNNY   
    • Break-up!
    • Girlfriend: I am just too fed up from our daily fights, I just wanna break up with you.

    • Boyfriend: Kya hua yaar?

    • Girlfriend: Mein ab tumhaare saath nahin rah sakti, mein jaa rahi hun.

    • Boyfriend: Theek hai, theek hai, par pehle yeh chocolate toh le lo.

    • Girlfriend: Ohhhh... so you don't want me to go, manaa rahe ho na mujhe choclate deke.

    • Boyfriend: Nahin re pagal, meri maa kehti hai ki koi bhi shubh kaam karne se pehle munh zoaroor meetha kar lena chahiye.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Deer Hunting!
    • It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.

    • He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.

    • Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"

    • Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

    • Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.

    • Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

    • Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not 15 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.

    • As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"

    • Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.

    • And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fu#&in deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

    • Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

    • The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fu#&in deer! Just let me get my saddle off it
    • ================================
    • Thanks SMS!
    • Ek husband ne apni wife ko ek SMS bheja:

    • Thanks for making my life wonderful and being a part of my life. What ever I am is only because of you. You are my angel thanks for coming in my life and making it worth living. You're Great.

    • Uski wife ne reply bheja: Pee li hai na ? Ab chup chap ghar aa jao...
    • DARO MAT... KUCHH NAHI BOLUNGI..!!!

    • Husband: Thank you!
    • HINGLISH  268
    • Making a Point!
    • When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

    • Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    • When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    • I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

    • The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    • MARRIAGE  24
    • Black or White?
    • TV Anchor Charwahe se: Aap Bakre ko kya khilate hain?
    • Charwaha: Kale ko ya Safaid ko?
    • Anchor: Safaid ko.
    • Charwaha: Ghass.
    • Anchor: Aur Kale ko?
    • Charwaha: Use bhi Ghass.

    • Anchor: Inhain bandhte kidher ho?
    • Charwaha: Kise Kale ko ya Safaid ko?
    • Anchor: Safaid ko.
    • Charwaha: Bahar ke kamre mein.
    • Anchor: Aur Kale ko?
    • Charwaha: Use bhi bahar ke kamre mein.

    • Anchor: Aur nehlate kaise ho?
    • Charwaha: Kise Kale ko ya Safaid ko?
    • Anchor: Kale ko.
    • Charwaha: Pani se.
    • Anchor: Aur Safaid ko?
    • Charwaha: Use bhi pani se.

    • Anchor Ghusse se: Abey bewakoof admi jab dono ke saath ek jaisa karta hai to mujhse bar bar puchta kyu hai Kala ya Safaid...???
    • Charwaha: Kyu ke Safaid bakra mera hai.
    • Anchor: Aur kala?
    • Charwaha: Woh bhi mera hai.
    • HINGLISH  371
    • The Professor & The Sailor
    • A professor was travelling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor Deco, "Do you know Biology, Ecology, Epidemology or anthropology?"

    • "No, said the sailor."

    • The proffesor got angry with Deco, the sailor, and said, "What the hell do you know on these earth? You will die of illiteracy."

    • One hour later the boat started sinking.

    • The sailor Deco, asked the professor, "Do you know swimminology and Escapeology from Sharkology and crocodileology?"

    • "No," said the professor. The Sailor said, "Well that means crocodileology will eat your assology and you will dieology with your knowledgeology because of your big mouthology.


    • Well-Educated Wife!
    • Husband: Wow, Tum itni Gulabi kaise lag rahi ho???

    • Wife: When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating faster & increased output is trans mitted to adrenals which start secreting glucon to increase blood glucose level & to combatthis emergency, Pituitary output also increases which raises blood estrogen level, Causing vasodilation and I look PINK...

    • MORAL: Jyada padhi likhi biwi romance ki Mummy-Didi ek kar deti hai...
    • HINGLISH  131
    • Recruiting a Commando!
    • A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!

    • Interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!! So do you think you are eligible?"

    • Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"
    • MARRIAGE  118
    • Papa's BMW!!!
    • A Boyfriend sends a message to his girlfriend on WhatsApp...

    • Boyfriend - Hi.

    • Girlfriend - Hello.

    • Boyfriend - Kahan par ho?

    • Girlfriend: Main apne papa ki BMW mein club ja rahi hun, abhi driver mujhe club chor dega, uske baad mall mein shopping ke liye jaungi, tab tumhe call karti hun, tum kahan par ho?

    • Boyfriend: 401 no ki bus mein, TUMHARI SEAT SE 2 SEATS PEECHE, TUM TICKET MAT LENA Maine Le Li hai...!!!
    • HINGLISH  519
    • Twitterati now trolls Nirupa Roy
    • After Rajinikanth, Alok Nath, Arvind Kejriwal, veteran actress Nirupa Roy is the favourite troll topic for Twitterati. From her tragic roles in Bollywood movies to the various kinds of sons she has had on-screen to her ever-crying image, jokes abound on all aspects of her silver screen image.

    • 1. Nirupa Roy's laptop has got WIDOW-XP installed.

    • 2. Nirupa Roy can instantly cry on a joke.

    • 3. Nirupa Roy's laughing mms goes viral...she claims it's doctored.

    • 4. Nirupa Roy has 6 sons. All of them are named Vijay.

    • 5. After Nirupa Roy's first marriage, her father said by mistake: "Sada abhaagan raho!"

    • 6. Cannes to roll out white carpet for Nirupa Roy's welcome.

    • 7. Nirupa Roy's most horrifying nightmare: she saw that she was young!!

    • 8. Nirupa Roy's most romantic moment: when her husband gave her flowers for the first time...on Mother's Day.

    • 9. Nirupa Roy's daughter doesn't talk to her anymore as she tried to name her 'Vijay' when she was born.

    • 10. Nirupa Roy has 73 shades of white in her wardrobe collection.

    • 11. Nirupa Roy to play lead role in upcoming movie 'Hasee To Phasee'.

    • 12. Nirupa Roy dragged Johnson & Johnson to court over the "No more tears" campaign.

    • 13. Nirupa Roy plays Holi with sindoor.

    • 14. Nirupa Roy's Whatsapp status says: "Last cried at..."

    • 15. Nirupa Roy was once approached for a comedy movie. That casting director lost his job.

    • 16. CRY Foundation has offered Nirupa Roy to become its brand ambassador.

    • 17. Nirupa Roy sends Weepeys instead of Smileys.

    • 18. Nirupa Roy looks for her groom in Obituary columns.

    • 19. Nirupa Roy still thinks Draupadi's 'Cheerharan' was a wardrobe malfunction.

    • 20. When Nirupa Roy cuts an Onion the Onion starts crying.

    • 21. Nirupa Roy provided 700 liters of free water per family through her tear ducts long before Kejriwal thought.

    • 22. All ophthalmology textbooks have chapters dedicated to Nirupa Roy's different types of blindness and their corrective operations.

    • 23. Mumbai police is not registering complaint of Nirupa Roy as they are confident that her kids will be back after 18 years.

    • 24. Nirupa Roy use 'Internet Explorer' because it makes people cry.


    • Boys and Pilgrimage!
    • Ek college ke final years ke kuch boys ek group banakar tirth yatra par jaate hain.

    • Yakinan saare students young the isliye group leader ne kaha, "Hum sab tirthyatra par ja rahe hain, bhagwaan ke darshanon ke liye. Isliye koi aisi waisi harkat mat karna ya koi ulti-seedhi baat mat bolna. Agar tumhe koi sundar ladki dikhayi di to apni aankhein band kar lena aur kehna, 'Hari Om'."

    • Thodi der baad ek ladke ne apni aankhein band karli aur bola, "Hari Om!!!"

    • Sabhi ladke: Kahan hai? Kahan hai?
    • HINGLISH  261
    • Free Wife!
    • A Pakistani tourist walks in to a top of the line hotel in Dubai and orders a top floor suite.

    • The next day he approaches the receptionist with angry and unpleasant expression, he asked her:

    • You said their will be a free wife in every room why I have not got mine.

    • The receptionist says, "It is Wi-Fi sir, not wife."
    • FUNNY  143
    • Kejriwal is so Honest...
    • It all started with CID...
    • then came RAJiNIKANTH...
    • next was ALOKNATH...
    • Now It's Arvind Kejriwal...

    • Kejriwal is so honest that no woman has ever asked him, Do I look fat?

    • Kejriwal is so honest that when he throws a party, he calls the cops at 10 pm.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that he actually tests the level of salt in colgate.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that he never skips youtube ads.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that, he always removes USB safely.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that, when he finds the bomb, he returns it to the terrorist.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that, he got his wife's brother arrested for stealing his shoes during his marriage ceremony.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that, he cooks maggie only for 2 minutes.

    • Kejriwal is so honest that, he actually "Rolls On The Floor laughing" when he texts ROF.
    • FUNNY  202
    • Contemporary Marriage!
    • A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

    • On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry.

    • When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

    • "Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

    • "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."


    • Don't Be Sorry!
    • Banta ki biwi kaafi bimar thi aur hospital mein admit thi. Doctors ne 1 week tak uska check-up kiya, sab tests kiye.

    • Saari reports aane ke baad ek senior doctor ne Banta ko bulaya aur kaha: Banta ji ek baat batani hai apko.

    • Banta: Ji doctor saaba, kahiye.

    • Doctor: We are sorry Banta ji, apki biwi jyada se jyada 1-2 months ki mehman hai...

    • Banta: Docor saab, ismein sorry waali kya baat hai? Jahan itna time nikaal diya, gujar jayenge ye 1-2 mahine bhi jais-taise.
    • HINGLISH  283
    • Lying Neighbour!
    • In Court the Judge says to a double-homicide defendant.

    • "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    • A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

    • The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

    • The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

    • The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

    • The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
    • FUNNY  32
    • New Courses for Men & Women
    • Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

    • Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

    • Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

    • Topic 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

    • Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

    • Topic 5. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

    • Topic 6. Communication Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging.

    • Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

    • Topic 8. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

    • Topic 9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have.

    • Topic 10. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

    • New Evening classes for men. Starting this month! All Are Welcome!
    • Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

    • Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

    • Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.

    • Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

    • Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

    • Topic 5. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

    • Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

    • Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

    • Topic 8. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

    • Topic 9. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

    • Topic 10. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions.
    • FUNNY  36
    • A Blonde's Complaint!
    • A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

    • "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

    • "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."

    • Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, "What was wrong with it?"

    • "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever," said the blonde.

    • The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh... So you must be the person who took our Phone Book."
    • ========================
    • Unbreakable Mirror!
    • Ladki: Bhai saab, is mirror ka kya rate hai???

    • Shopkeeper: Iska rate? Yeh sirf 100 Rs ka behanji.

    • Ladki: Aur is waale ka kitna hai?

    • Shopkeeper: Iska ji sirf 200 Rs hai.

    • Ladki: Aur Bhaiya iska kitna hai, ye jo red colour ka hai?

    • Shopkeeper: Iska ji sirf 1000 Rs hai.

    • Ladki: Ohh...!!! Itna mehnga? Kya khaas baat hai is sheeshe mein???

    • Shopkeeper: Madam ji agar aap isko 100 floor se niche girao toh ye mirror 99 floors tak nai tutega... arre tutega kya behan ji, isko kuch bhi hi nahin hoga.

    • Ladki: Wah, kya baat hai! Bhaiya 2 piece pack kar do.
    • HINGLISH  319
    • Circling Sharks!
    • Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking?
    • Another educational story about parents teaching kids.

    • Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

    • "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

    • "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

    • "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

    • "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

    • When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

    • His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  43
    • Little Star!!!
    • Chhote: Akshay Kumar bahut bada star hai na?

    • Bade: Haan hai toh...

    • Chhote: But uski wife itni badi star nahi hai... jyada chali nahin.

    • Bade: Nahin yaar, chali hai wo bhi, but uski shaadi ho gayi na.

    • Chhote: Nahin wo baat nahin hai, sabko pata hai.

    • Bade: Kisko pata hai?

    • Chhote: Bachhe bachhe tak ko pata hai ki wo nahi chali, wo ek choti star hai.

    • Bade: Wo kaise?

    • Chhote: Abe tune wo poem nahi suni? Twinkle-Twinkle little star...

    • Bade: Bakwas Band Kar.
    • HINGLISH  341
    • Before it Starts!
    • A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

    • She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

    • When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

    • This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

    • When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

    • "That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

    • The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It's started."


    • Girlfriend's Call
    • Ek ladki ne apne boyfriend ko phone kiya toh us ke 10 saal ke bhatije ne phone uthaya.

    • Ladki: Hello bachche, zara apne uncle ko phone dena please.

    • Bachcha: Aap ka kya naam bataun uncle ko?aam Name?

    • Ladki: Apne uncle se kaho ki unki Jaan-E-Man ka phone hai.

    • Jawab mein bachchey ne jo kaha us ko sun kar bechaari ladki behosh ho gayi.

    • Bachhe ne badi masumiyat se kaha: Lekin auntie ji is mobile pe toh 'Bitch' Likha hua aa raha hai.
    • HINGLISH  417
    • Security Check!!!
    • When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier instructed, "Strip down, facing me."

    • Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as she instructed.

    • After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should position my Credit Card.

    • Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    • They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man, I hate this getting older stuff.
    • FUNNY  31
    • After 25 years of Marriage
    • Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    • My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed."
    • MARRIAGE  148
    • How to Make a Man/Woman Happy!
    • How to Make a man happy:
    • 1. Feed him.
    • 2. Sleep with him.
    • 3. Leave him with peace.
    • 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs).
    • 5. Don't bother him with his movements.
    • So whats so hard about that?

    • How to make a woman happy:
    • It's really not too difficult but.... To make a woman happy, a man only needsto be:
    • 1. A friend
    • 2. A companion
    • 3. A lover
    • 4. A brother
    • 5. A father
    • 6. A master
    • 7. A chef.
    • 8. An electrician.
    • 9. A plumber.
    • 10. A mechanic.
    • 11. A carpenter.
    • 12. A decorator.
    • 13. A stylist.
    • 14. A sexologist.
    • 15. A gynecologist.
    • 16. A psychologist.
    • 17. A pest exterminator.
    • 18. A psychiatrist.
    • 19. A healer.
    • 20. A good listener.
    • 21. An organizer.
    • 22. A good father.
    • 23. Very clean.
    • 24. Sympathetic.
    • 25. Sthletic.
    • 26. Warm.
    • 27. Attentive.
    • 28. Gallant.
    • 29. Intelligent.
    • 30. Funny.
    • 31. Creative.
    • 32. Tender.
    • 33. Strong.
    • 34. Understanding.
    • 35. Tolerant.
    • 36. Pprudent.
    • 37. Ambitious.
    • 38. Capable.
    • 39. Courageous.
    • 40. Determined.
    • 41. True.
    • 42. Dependable.
    • 43. Passionate.
    • WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
    • 44. Give her compliments regularly.
    • 45. Go shopping with her.
    • 46. Be honest.
    • 47. Be very rich.
    • 48. Not stress her out.
    • 49. Not look at other girls.
    • AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
    • 50. Give her lots of attention.
    • 51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
    • 52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes..
    • BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT
    • 53. Never forget Birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine arrangements she makes.


    • Shopping in London
    • Paddy & Jimmy were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

    • The sign read, "Suits Pound 5.00 each, Shirts Pound 2.00 each, Trousers Pound 2.50 per pair".

    • Paddy said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent."

    • "OK Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut," said Jimmy.

    • They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at Pound 5.00 each, 100 shirts at Pound 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at Pound 2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!"

    • The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"

    • "Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

    • The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........"
    • FUNNY  32
    • Students Classification by Age
    • Classic examples for students of different age groups:

    • 1st to 3rd class: Hey! I studied everything for exam.

    • 4th to 6th class: Hey! That question was very hard so I leave only that question.

    • 7th to 10th class: Hey! Read only important questions.

    • 11th class: I think 4 chapters are enough to get pass.

    • 12th class: Kal exam kaun sa hai yaar?

    • And in college: Abey kaminon, bata toh dete aaj exam hai, main toh pen bhi nahi laya.
    • HINGLISH  511
    • I Love You Too Much!
    • On the New Year eve I was sitting with my wife on the deck, enjoying a glass of wine.

    • I said, "I love you so much, I could not live without you."

    • My wife said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

    • I said, "It's me talking to the wine."
    • MARRIAGE  126
    • Hindi Songs and their Medical Meanings
    • Jiya Jale Jaan Jale, Raat Bhar Dhuan Chale - Fever

    • Tadap Tadap Ke Is Dil Se Aah Nikalti Rahi - Heart Attack

    • Suhani Raat Dhal Chuki, Na Jaane Tum Kab Aoge - Constipation

    • Bidi Jalayle Jigar Se Piya Jigar Ma Badi Aag Hai - Acidity

    • Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai, Yaara Main Kya Karoon - Cataract

    • Tuje Yaad Na Meri Aayi Kisi Se Ab Kya Kehna - Alzheimer's

    • Mann Dole Mera Tann Dole - Vertigo

    • Tip-Tip Barsa Pani, Pani Ne Aag Lagayi - Urinary Infection

    • Dil Dhadak-Dhadak Ke Keh Raha Hai -Hypertension

    • Aaj Kal Paaon Zameen Par Nahi Padte Mere - Corn On Feet

    • Haay-Re-Haay Neend Nahi Aaye -Insomnia

    • Batana Bhi Nahi Aata, Chupana Bhi Nahi Aata - Piles

    • And Sabse Mast
    • Lagi Aaj Saawan Ki Phir Wo Zadi Hai - Loose Motion


    • Shaadi Ke 7 Sukh
    • 1. Subaah subaah garam paani milega..... Bartan dhone ke liye.

    • 2. Pyaare pyaare bachche milenge..... Aapko gadha Banaane ke liye.

    • 3. Har roz biwi aapse pyar se nolegi..... Ration laane ke liye.

    • 4. Biwi aapke baahon me baahein daalegi..... Kharcha paani ke liye.

    • 5. Aap gaana gaana shuru kar doge..... Bachchon ko sulaane ke liye.

    • 6. Wo roz taiyaar hokar saamne aayegi..... Shopping jaane ke liye.

    • 7. Aapko bhi whiskey ka mazaa ayegaa..... Kuch der gum bhulaane ke liye.

    • NO LIFE WITHOUT WIFE
    • HINGLISH  216
    • Women Driver!!!
    • A girl was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

    • Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

    • Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.

    • Two weeks later, she got five challans for driving without a seat belt... !!!
    • FUNNY  82
    • New Year's Resolutions
    • Teacher: Happy New Year bachchon! Aaj se 2014 start ho raha hai. Is naye saal pe kasam khao ki kabhi bhi sharaab aur cigarette nahin piyoge, drugs nahin loge, non veg nahin khaoge.

    • Bachche: Theek hai sir, hum sharaab, cigarette, drugs, non veg ko chuenge tak nahin.

    • Teacher: Kabhi ladkiyaan nahin chedoge.

    • Bachche: Nahin chedenge sir.

    • Teacher: Kabhi jua nahin kheloge.

    • Bachche: Nahin khelenge sir.

    • Teacher: Desh ke liye apni jaan tak bhi de denge.

    • Bachche: De denge sir, aisi jaan ka karna bhi kya hai.
    • HINGLISH  127
    • University Drive
    • It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:

    • Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

    • Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

    • Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.


    • The Generous Lawyer!
    • Ek aurat apne bachche ko liye ro rahi thi.

    • Ek vakil ne rone ki wajah puchi, toh us aurat ne kaha ki mera beta bimaar hai or dawa ke liye paise nahin hain.

    • vakil ne us aurat ko 1000 ka note dia aur kaha ki jao dawa le lo, Rs 100 ka doodh bhi le lena, baaki paise mujhe wapis de dena.

    • Aurat thodi der baad dawa aur dudh le aayi aur baaki Rs 650 vakil ko wapas kar diye.

    • vakil khush hua aur sochne laga ke Neki kabhi zaya nahi jati, Doctor ko fees mil gayi, bachche ko dawa mil gai aur......mera nakli note bhi chal gaya !!!
    • HINGLISH  389
    • Racial Discrimination!
    • An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

    • The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

    • The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

    • Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out...

    • The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

    • The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

    • The following week the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out...!!!

    • He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell...!!! This is shit, you Idiot...!!!???"

    • The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper...???"
    • FUNNY  75
    • Sorry Dear!
    • Ladki apne Boyfriend ko naraz karne ke baad SMS pe kaise manati hai...

    • 1st Hour: Sorry!!!

    • 2nd Hour: Sorry plzz.....

    • 3rd Hour: Plzz ek baar baat karlo...

    • 4th Hour: Plzzz.. reply jaan...

    • 5th Hour: Plzzz itna naraz mat ho...

    • 6th Hour: I'm really sorry, I'll die agar tumne baat nahi ki toh...

    • 7th Hour: Dafa ho, 100 ladke ghumte hai tere jaise... Aise hi sar pe chadha jaa rha hai, bhaad me jaa...

    • Boy: Sorry Dear, balance nahi tha...

    • Girl: Ohh.. It's okkk! Love you jaan...
    • HINGLISH  434
    • An Honest Mistake!
    • A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

    • "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

    • "What do you do?"

    • The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say, 'The devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'The devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go.


    • AGAR MAI BILL GATES HOTA
    • Ek teacher kaha ki 'AGAR MAI BILL GATES HOTA' par essay likho. Saare students likhne lag gaye. Teacher ne dekha ki sab likh rahe hain but apna Pappu sirf smile kar raha tha, yahan vahan dekh rajah tha lekin likh nahin raha tha.

    • Teacher: Pappu, tum kyu nai likh rahey?

    • Pappu: Madam ji, main apni seceretry ka intzaar kar raha hun.

    • This is attitude...
    • HINGLISH  312
    • Baby Feeding!
    • A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.

    • The baby refuses to suck the breast & the mother warns, "If you don't suck, I shall give it to the uncle next to me."

    • The baby still refuses. After about 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat.

    • The man clears his throat and says, "Look, madam, you better make up your mind. I was suppose to get Off six bus-stops ago."
    • FUNNY  63
    • Sher Ki Sawaari!
    • Pappu: Papa circus dekhney chaley???

    • Santa: No!!! I am busy.

    • Pappu: Us mein ek ladki ne bina kapdon ke sher pe sawari ki hai.

    • Santa: Bahut ziddi ho gaye ho.... har baat zidd karke manvate he lete ho.... Chalo chalta hun tumhaare liye. Vaise bhi bahut din huey sher nahin dekha....!!!!!

    • Santa ne sabse aage waali row ki seats ki ticket le li... Lion show aaya, 3-4 lions aaye, ladkiyaan bhi aayi but jis ladki ka Santa kointezaar tha vo nahin aayi. Phir Lion show khatam ho gaya aur kuch time ke baad Circus bhi khatam ho gayi...

    • Santa: Oye Pappu, tumne toh kaha tha ki ek ladki bina kapdon ke aayegi?

    • Pappu: Bina kapdo ke toh sher tha, ladki nahi... Papa maine jo kaha vo dobara padho!!!
    • HINGLISH  408
    • Work & Prison!!!
    • In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
    • At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

    • In prison: You get three meals a day.
    • At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

    • In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
    • At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

    • In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    • At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

    • In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
    • At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    • In prison: You get your own toilet.
    • At work: You have to share.

    • In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
    • At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

    • In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
    • At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

    • In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
    • At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    • In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
    • At work: They are called supervisors.

    • In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
    • At work: You get fired if you get caught.


    • A Bolt of Lightning
    • One day a priest was playing baseball. A nun was cheerleading near first base. The priest was up to bat. The pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said, "Dammit! I missed!"

    • "Don't you say that mister or God will strike you with a bolt of lightning," the nun said.

    • Again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said, "Dammit! I missed!"

    • "If you say that one more time mister, God will strike you with a bolt of lightning," the nun said.

    • Once again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said, "Dammit! I missed!"

    • A bolt of lightning strikes the nun and God says, "Dammit! I missed!"
    • RELIGION  34
    • Santa gets Threat Calls
    • Santa Police station ja kar kehta hai: Inspector saab, mujhe ek FIR likhwaani hai.

    • Inspector: Kaun ho tum, kya hua, aur kiske khilaaf FIR karwaani hai?

    • Santa: Mujhe phone par jaan se marne ki dhamki mil rahi hai.

    • Inspector: Kaun de raha hai dhamkiyaan tumko, aur kya bol raha hai?

    • Santa: BSNL wale, kehte hai bill nahi bhara to kaat denge...!
    • HINGLISH  320
    • Will I be acquitted?
    • In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

    • "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    • Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

    • She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

    • She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
    • MARRIAGE  29
    • Christmas Gift for Mom
    • The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

    • Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

    • "Something for my mother, please." said the young lady.

    • "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you,'' smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? "

    • Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law


    • Plight of a Married Man
    • Bechaara shaadi shuda aadmi dukhi bhi nahi ho sakta...

    • Wife: I love you baby.
    • Husband (softly): I love you too.
    • Wife: Upset kyun lag rahe ho...??? Husband: Bas thoda mood off tha.
    • Wife: Doston ke saath to bade khush rehte ho, aur mere saath hi drame.
    • Husband (pyar se): Aisa kuch nahi jaanu, tabiyat thodi theek nahi hai.
    • Wife: Haan, agar abhi koi dost phone kare to 2 sec mein tabiyat theek ho jayegi.
    • Husband: Dost kahan se aa gaye, mera mood thoda upset hai bas.
    • Wife: Mere saath hi ye sab hota hai, friends ke saath enjoy karte ho, badi has has ke pictures click karwate ho. Ya koi aur ladki pasand aa gayi..??
    • Husband (aur jyada pyar se): Arrey, kahan se kahan baat le jaa rahi ho?
    • Wife: Aaj sab clear hoga !!
    • Husband: Kya clear karna hai jaanu, aisa kya ho gaya??
    • Wife (khud confused): Jab tum khud clear nahi, tumhe kuch pata nahi to main kya bolun..!!
    • Husband (trying to act smart): Tumhe hua kya hai ?? Kis baat pe upset ho ?? Batao!!
    • Wife: Tumhari sangat hi kharab hai !!
    • Husband: Mere saath to tum ho!!
    • Wife: Ab bohut ho gaya, ab aur nahi!!
    • Husband (fully crashed): Yeh toh bata do ki hua kya hai ?
    • Wife: Hum ab saath nahi reh sakte?
    • Husband: Ye baat kahan se aayi?
    • Wife: I want Divorce.
    • Husband: Hmmmm OK !!
    • Wife (gone crazy): Haan, yehi chahte ho tum to, phir tum jo marzi kar sako.
    • Husband: Arrey tumne khudne bola abhi, maine kya galat kaha??
    • Wife: Itni problem thi to bola kyun nahi, main khud bina bole chali jaati tumhari life se.
    • Husband (apne baal pakad kar): Mujhe meri galti toh bata do.
    • Wife: Waqt aane pe pata chalegi tumhe apne aap, jab main chali jaungi.
    • Husband: Achcha, to main wait karta hoon sahi waqt ka.
    • Wife: Tum serious kab hoge??
    • Husband: Ab kya hospital mein admit ho jaun, serious hone ke liye?
    • Wife: Go to hell!!!

    • AFTER 3 HOURS.
    • Wife: Tumhe pata hai na, main tumhare bina nahi reh sakti jaanu, sorry !!! I love you my baby.
    • Husband (Sab bhool kar): Achcha, Really!!! I love you tooo...
    • Wife: Upset kyun lag rahe ho ?............... !!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • An Honest Politician and A Generous Lawyer
    • Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.

    • Which one picked it up?
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • .
    • Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
    • FUNNY   
    • Christmas Gift!
    • After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

    • "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

    • She showed him a bottle costing $50.

    • "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

    • "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

    • Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

    • Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

    • So the clerk handed him a mirror.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Students and Their Favourite Songs...
    • SCHOOL:
    • Apni toh paatshala, masti ki pathshala...

    • TUTION:
    • Idhar chala main udhar chala, jaane kahaan main kidhar chalaa...

    • MATHS:
    • Ajeeb dastan hai yeh, kahan shuru khana khatgam...

    • SCIENCE:
    • Aa khusi se kudkushi karle...

    • GEOGRAPHY:
    • Musafir hoon main yaaro, na ghar hai na thikaana...

    • ECONOMICS:
    • Kyu paisa paisa karti hai, paise pe kyu tu marti hai....

    • EXAM:
    • Zehrelein raatey ninde udd jati hai...

    • RESULT:
    • Jiya dhadak dhadak jaye, Jiya dhadak dhadak jaye...

    • PASS:
    • Aaj mai upar asman niche, aaj mai aage jamana hai pichhe...

    • FAIL:
    • Jag suna suna lage...


    • Free Christmas Tree!
    • My son asked me if we could have a tree this Christmas. I told him I didn't want to pay for a tree and that's that.

    • He wouldn't stop asking though, every five minutes he wanted to know why we couldn't have a tree. In the end I grabbed my axe and stormed out of the house. Ten minuted later I returned with an eight foot Christmas tree.

    • "Wow," said my son. "You cut that down quick."

    • "Son," I replied, "I didn't cut it down, I got it from the local shop."

    • He looked puzzled and said, "Why did you take the axe then?"

    • "I told you, I didn't want to pay for a Christmas tree."
    • CHILDREN  89
    • I Love You!
    • Ek ladka ek ladki ko bahut chahta tha, lekin apne pyaar ka izhaar karne se darta tha.

    • Ek din us ladke ne socha ki chahe jo bhi ho jaaye vo us ladki ko msg kar ke 'I Love You' zaroor kahega aur apne prem ka izhaar karega. Usne raat ko apne mobile pe 'I Love You' likha aur us ladki ke number pe SMS send kar diya.

    • Jaise hi vo sone laga tabhi uske mobile pe ek message aaya lekin usne decide kiya ki vo messages subah uth kar, naha kar, mandir se vaapas aa kar hi message check karega.

    • Raat bhar vo us ladki ke sapne dekhta raha. Isi chakkar mein subah bhi jaldi uth gaya aur nahakar mandir chala gaya. Mandir se aate hi usne mobile uthaya aur message pada.

    • Message the:
    • A/C balance is insufficient.

    • Main bal is Rs. 0.08.

    • Msg can not be send.
    • HINGLISH  716
    • Grandma's Home
    • When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

    • "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.

    • "Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

    • "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

    • "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
    • CHILDREN  62
    • What deep thinkers men are...
    • I mowed the lawn today, and after I'd finished I sat down with a cold beer. It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

    • The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said. "Nothing".

    • The reason I said that, instead of saying 'just thinking darling' was because then she would have asked "About what?"

    • At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers, which would have led to more questions.

    • Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

    • Well, after another beer, and some more thinking, I think I may have come up with the answer.

    • Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is:
    • A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child, but you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

    • I rest my case. Time for another beer..
    • ====================================
    • Bechaare Ladke
    • Ladki par hath uthaye to zalim;
    • Ladki se pit jaye to namard.

    • Ladki ko kisi ke sath dekh kar... lade to jealous;
    • Chup rahe to begairat.

    • Ghar se bahar rahe to awara;
    • Ghar me rahe to nakara.

    • Bachcho ko dante to buzdil;
    • Na dante to laparwah.

    • Biwi ko naukri se roke to shak karne wala;
    • Na roke to biwi ki kamai khane wala.

    • Aakhir bechara ladka kare toh kya kare.... ??? Mard Ko Bhi Dard Hota Hai...
    • HINGLISH   
    • A Pirate's Story...
    • A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

    • "What do you mean? I'm fine."

    • "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

    • "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

    • "Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

    • "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

    • "Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

    • "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

    • "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

    • "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
    • FUNNY   
    • Stupid Husband!
    • Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    • There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    • I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    • She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Why Guys Can't Win
    • If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
    • If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    • If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
    • If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

    • If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
    • If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    • If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
    • If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    • If you cry, you're a wimp.
    • If you don't, you're insensitive.

    • If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
    • If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    • If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
    • If she asks you, it's a favor.

    • If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
    • If you don't, you're a slob.

    • If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
    • If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    • If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
    • If you're not, you're not ambitious.

    • If she has a headache, she's tired.
    • If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.


    • How to Avoid a Speeding Ticket
    • A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

    • The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

    • The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

    • The trooper said. "Yes."

    • "Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

    • The trooper said, "Yes."

    • "Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

    • The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
    • MARRIAGE  42
    • Christmas Queue Folly
    • Just before Christmas I was shopping at a toy faire in Worcester.

    • I glanced to my left and caught sight of a queue at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls. As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine. Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time.

    • "Hey, Lennie," I cried, "I hadn't realised you collected dolls."

    • "I don't," he replied laughing.

    • "Really," I queried, "then you must be buying a Christmas present then?"

    • "No, not at all, my friend," responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily.

    • "If you don't mind my asking then Lennie," I said, "Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?"

    • "Oh that," he giggled. "It's like this, my mate," he mused, "I've never been able to resist a Barbie queue."
    • FUNNY  17
    • Vote for Me
    • A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group of politicians.

    • A Congress man quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

    • She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm the local MP and I hope you'll vote for me in the next General Elections."

    • She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"
    • NEWS AND POLITICS  110
    • Humour can Save Your Life...
    • The story goes that a certain court jester went too far one day and insulted his king. The king became so infuriated that he sentenced the jester to be executed.

    • His court prayed upon the king to have mercy for this man who had served him well for so many years.

    • After a time, the king relented only enough to give the jester his "choice" as to how he would like to die.

    • True to form, the jester replied, "If it's all the same to you my Lord, I'd like to die of old age."



    • English or Desi!!!
    • Ek ladka shaadi ke liye ek ladki ko dekhne gaya.

    • Ladke ne socha ki kyun na ladki ko impress kiya jaaye aur English mein baat karne ki sochi.

    • Ladka bola: Suniye, aapko English chalti hai na?

    • Ladki, sharmate hue dheere se boli: Ji, bilkul chalti hai. Agar SODA ho saath mein ho tab toh DESI bhi chalti hai.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Not at Home!
    • A visitor to Santa, "Which is Mr Banta's flat?"

    • Santa: Please come with me.

    • The visitor is taken on stairs to the 3rd floor.

    • The visitor rings the bell and there is no response. He rings it again and again and still no one answers.

    • Visitor: I think he is not in.

    • Santa: Yeah, he has gone out. He'll be back in the evening!
    • SANTABANTA   
    • My Name is Sheila...
    • Ladka: Tumhaara naam kya hai?

    • Ladki: Kyun bataun? Main tumhe jaanti tak nahin.

    • Ladka: Theek hai, mat batao, main kaun sa tumhe apni BMW mein bitha raha hun.

    • Ladki: Mein Sheila hun, B.Com second year mein padti hun. Saamne waali gali mein seedhe haath ki tarf chauthe number pe ghar hai mera - House number 322B top floor. Ghar mein mummy, papa aur ek chota brother hai. Aur haan, shaam ko 6-8 baje tak tution jaati hun.

    • Ladka: Ok, thanks, jis din BMW lunga us din zaroor bithaunga.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Favourite Bakery!
    • An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his .

    • One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

    • "This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

    • "And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"


    • Aalsi Naukar!
    • Malik, apne aalsi naukar se: Yahan par itne sare machchar goon-goon kar rahen hain, tu in sabko maar de.

    • Thodi der baad Malik: Oye aalsi kahin ke, maine tujhe machchar maarne ko kaha tha abhi tak tune mare nahin? Woh ab bhi goonn-goon kar rahe hain.

    • Aalsi naukar: Malik machchar toh maine saare maar diye hain. Yeh toh unki biwiyaan hain jo vidhva ho kar ro rahi hain.
    • HINGLISH  407
    • Natural Born Citizen!
    • In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

    • A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office.

    • She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with, "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"
    • CHILDREN  32
    • Another Dress!?!
    • Hubby: Ye kyaa tum ek aur suit le aayi ? Abhi parso hee to...

    • Wife chilla kar boli: Kyaa parso? Bolo..... Bolo kyaa kahaa tum ne? Phir se bolna zara ek baar. Ab chup kyun ho gaye, ruk kyon gaye? Kyaa parso, Parso kyaa, Bolo jaldi, Jaldi bolo, Bataa-O bhi ab, kyaa parso? Matlab kya hai tumhara? Kehna kya chahte ho... kya Kehna chahte ho?

    • Hubby: Kuchh nahi, main bus yeh keh rahaa thaa ki parso bhi ek hee suit laayi thi pagli, aaj to do le aati.....
    • HINGLISH  237
    • Wanna Go to Heaven?
    • Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    • The man said, "I do, Father."

    • The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

    • Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    • 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

    • "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

    • Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    • O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

    • The priest said, "I don't believe this! You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    • O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I taut you was getting a group together to go right now!"


    • Free Drinks!
    • This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here... and while you're at it, have one yourself."

    • "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

    • Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

    • The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

    • The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."

    • With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

    • About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

    • "I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

    • "Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
    • BAR  33
    • Caught Smoking!
    • Chintu chup ke cigarette pee raha tha, tabhi us ke papa aa gaye. Chintu ne ghabrahat mein, jaldi se cigarette shirt ki jeb mein chupa li.

    • Papa, gusse se: Kya tum cigarette pee rahe the?

    • Chintu: Nahin toh...

    • Papa: Toh phir tumhari shirt se yeh dhuwan kyun nikal raha hai?

    • Chintu: Papa aap ne baat hi dil jalane wali ki hai toh dhuan toh niklega hi.
    • HINGLISH  399
    • Christmas Tree!
    • It's Christmas time and Bill and Joe decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Joe brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Bill to look at it.

    • "Well, Bill, What do you think?"

    • "Sorry, Joe, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

    • They come upon another nice tree, Joe brushes it off, and they both look at it.

    • "How about this one, Bill?"

    • "Not quite, Joe. Let's keep looking".

    • This goes on until nightfall. Both Bill and Joe are cold, tired, and hungry.

    • "Well, Bill, what do we do now?"

    • "Joe, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
    • FUNNY  29
    • God's Help!
    • A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.

    • He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

    • Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!

    • He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"

    • Still nothing..... and the train was just seconds away!

    • He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet."

    • Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!

    • He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."


    • A Fitting Memorial
    • But Fred died recently. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

    • As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased."

    • "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    • "All of it?" said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

    • "Really?" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

    • Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

    • Jody says, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!"

    • "Two and a half carats."
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Family Members
    • Pappu: Daadi neend nahi aa rahi, hum baate karein.

    • Daadi: Theek hai.

    • Pappu: Daadi kya hum hamesha 5 hi rahenge? Aap, mom, dad, main aur choti behen.

    • Daadi: Nahin beta aapki shaadi ho jayegi toh 6 ho jayenge.

    • Pappu: Phir behen chali jayegi shaadi karke toh phir 5 ho jayenge.

    • Daadi: Beta phir aapka beta ho jayega toh 6 ho jayenge.

    • Pappur: Phir aap mar jaaogi toh hum wapas se 5 ho jayenge.

    • Daadi: Kutte... Soja chup chap... jab dekho bakbak kata rehta hai, pata nahin kahan se seekhta rehta hai ulti-seedhi baatein, nalayak kahin ka....
    • HINGLISH   
    • Problem on the Farm!
    • A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences.

    • After a few minutes, he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of the truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

    • "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling, you'll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road."

    • The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

    • "Boss I did what you said. I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

    • "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

    • "Well, the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Tera kya hoga Kaaliya????
    • Gabbar ke adde par... Dhiskyon, dhiskyaon....
    • Gabbar: Yeh bhi bach gaya! Tera kya hoga Kaaliya?
    • Kaaliya: Mujhe mat maro sardaar, maine aapka namak khaya hai.
    • Gabbar: Safed namak ya kala namak?
    • Kaaliya: Safed.
    • Gabbar: Iodine tha kya usame?
    • Kaaliya: Haan.
    • Gabbar: Free flowing hai kya?
    • Kaaliya: Jee haan...
    • Gabbar: ISI mark hai kya?
    • Kaaliya: Haan.
    • Gabbar: 'Dukan' se liya ya 'Super Market' se ya sarkaari depot se?
    • Kaaliya: Gaon walo ne diya tha sardaar.
    • Gabbar: MRP dekha tha kya?
    • Kaaliya: Haan.
    • Gabbar: Expiry date bhi dekhi thi kya?
    • Kaaliya: Haan sardaar..
    • Gabbar: Tata tha ya Captain Cook?
    • Kaaliya: Sardar, main Namak Haram hoon... mujhe goli mar do.


    • New Job
    • Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

    • The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"

    • Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

    • The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

    • Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

    • The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

    • Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
    • FUNNY  30
    • What's In a Name
    • Ek baar ek ladka barsaat ki raat mein ek aunty ko, jo bus stop pe khadi thi, ghar chorne chala gaya. 

    • Ghar pahunh kar aunty ne ladke ka shukriya kiya aur boli: Beta raat bohut ho gai hai, tum yahin BITTU ke kamre me so jao!
    • Ladka bola: Nahin aunty mein yahin SOFA par so jaunga.
    • Agle din Subah ek bohut hi sundar, hot ladki chai le kar aai.
    • Ladka: Aap kaun ho.......??
    • Ladki: Me BITTU hun. Aap kaun.....??
    • Ladka: Main saala ullu ka pattha....
    • HINGLISH  546
    • The Good Old Days!
    • Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.

    • "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

    • Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
    • FUNNY  43
    • Intellectual Discussions!
    • Girfriend and boyfriend on phone:

    • Boy: Hi, kaisi ho jaan?
    • Girl Theek hun.
    • Boy: Aaj kya khaya dinner mein?
    • Girl: Tumhe bas yehi batein karni aati hain, kya khaya, kuan sa serial dekha, kaun sa song suna....
    • Boy: Oh!! Ok Ok, ye batao ki how shuld RBI fight these inflationary trends with minimum intervention in the money markets?
    • Girl: hmmmm.... daal chawal khaye hain, dahi aur salad bhi tha.

    • ====================================
    • Bad Luck!!!
    • A man who owned a local grocery store was out delivering orders in his station wagon when he hit and injured a little, old lady. The lady sued and was awarded an amount large enough to drive the man out of business.

    • After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try again. But a few months after opening his doors he struck an old gentleman with his delivery truck. The gentleman sued and collected big damages, enough to ruin the merchant yet again.

    • On a peaceful Sunday, the grocer was sitting in his living room when his little boy entered and called out, "Father, Father, Mother's been run over by a great big bus."

    • The grocer's eyes filled with tears, and in a voice trembling with emotion he cried, "Thank the Lord, my luck's changed at last."
    • FUNNY  53
    • Dedicated to all Businessmen
    • 12 reasons why I chose Business as profession:
    • 1. I hate sleeping.
    • 2. I have enjoyed my life in childhood.
    • 3. I can't Live without Tension.
    • 4. I wanted 2 have a disturbed life.
    • 5. I believe in Geeta "karm karo fal ki chinta mat karo".
    • 6. I wanted 2 take revenge on myself.
    • 7. I love dreaming about, delivery, payments, orders.
    • 8. I like spending time with staff, customer, govt babu than family, friends.
    • 9. I love giving bribe.
    • 10. I love 2 work on holidays.
    • 11. I can't live without mobile hooked on my ears even in the bathroom.

    • and the best one
    • 12. I love begging for payments.
    • FUNNY  112
    • The Big Book!
    • Ek baar ek ladka ghar mein sharaab pee kar aaya aur apne Dad se bachne ke liye ek badi si book lekar padhne laga!

    • Dad: Oye nalaayak, aaj phir sharab pee kar aaya hai kya...?

    • Son: Nahin Dad, bilkul nahin, kyun?

    • Dad: Kamine, toh phir pichle 10 minute se breifcase khol ke kya bak-bak kar raha hai...
    • HINGLISH  154
    • What's a Kiss???
    • In Maths, kiss is the shortest distance between two Lips.

    • In Biology, kiss is just exchange of germs from one mouth to another.

    • In Chemistry, kiss is a process of testing the ph of the lips.

    • In Physics, it's a process to charging a human body.

    • In Computer, kiss is a local area network in which two bodies are connected without a data cable.

    • In Economics, kiss is a process in which Demand is higher than supply


    • The Story of MATHS
    • Aaj se 300 saal pehle MATHS bahut masoom aur pyara tha.

    • Ek din kuch badmash students ne MATHS ko bahut maara... itna maara, itna maara ki bechare MATHS ki jaan chali gayi. Lekin jaate jaate MATHS sab students ko ek baddua de gaya... Main to ja raha hoon lekin..."MATHS"

    • M = Meri
    • A = Aatma
    • T = Tumhe
    • H = Hamesha
    • S = Satayegi
    • Aaj bhi maths ki aatma bhatak rahi hai aur saare students ko sata rahi hai aur hamesha satati rahegi....
    • HINGLISH   
    • A Child's Prayer
    • While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a girl perched on a rock, I realized why her words had made no sense: She was repeating the alphabet.

    • "Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked her.

    • The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."

    • I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."

    • Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."
    • CHILDREN   
    • `3 Idiots` ke Lessons
    • Teacher: '3 Idiots' film dekhne ke baad aap ko kya lesson mila?
    • Pappu: Madam yahi ki... Engineering padh kar bhi Medical ki ladki fasaai jaa sakti hai!!!
    • Teacher: Shut up and get out !

    • Tinku: Madam main bataaun?
    • Teacher: Haan Tinku, tum bataao.
    • Tinku: Madam college ke 1st day Underwear zaroor pehenna chahiye!!!
    • Teacher: You also get out !

    • Chintu: Madam main bataun ?
    • Teacher: Arre Chintu, you are a brilliant student, I'm sure ki tum sahi bataoge.
    • Chintu: Madam, sirf Doctors hi nahin Engineers bhi delivery karwa sakta hai...!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Just Pull the Plug...
    • A man and his wife were sitting in the living room.

    • Husband, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

    • His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


    • Bikinis and Swimsuits
    • While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

    • 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

    • 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

    • He's still in intensive care.
    • MARRIAGE  11
    • Scottish Christmas
    • A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

    • "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    • "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

    • Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    • She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

    • The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife, "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
    • MARRIAGE  37
    • Seniors' Dating Ads...
    • Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper. You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in "The Villages", a Florida newspaper.

    • FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty. 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

    • LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

    • SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

    • WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

    • BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

    • MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

    • MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
    • SANTABANTA  76
    • Grocery puzzle!
    • A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

    • A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

    • The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    • He replied, "They had avocados."

    • (If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time


    • Why Parents Should Not Text...
    • Mom: Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean..?
    • Son: I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later..!
    • Mom: It's ok, don't worry about it...I'll ask your Sister, Love you too..!

    • Dad: Son, I have a Facebook account now... accept my friend request..!
    • Son: You're on Facebook now..? WTF..!!!
    • Dad: What does WTF mean..?
    • Son: Ohhh...It means, Welcome To Facebook, Dad.

    • Mom: Son, your grandmother passed away an hour ago. LOL!
    • Son: How is that funny, mom..?
    • Mom: What do you mean, Peter... surely it is not funny..!
    • Son: Mom, LOL means: Laugh Out Loud..!
    • Mom: Oh, No! I thought it meant: Lots Of Love... I'll have to call everyone back and explain xU xQ ..!!!
    • FUNNY   
    • Birthday Gift!
    • Sister to her brother: What are you giving to Grandmaa on her birthday?

    • Brother: A Football.

    • Sister: Is age mein? Aur vaise bhi Grandmaa kahan khelti hai?

    • Brother: Mere birthday per jo unhone Bhagavad Gita diya tha uska kya ?
    • HINGLISH   
    • Urine Sample!
    • One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

    • He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

    • "Could you taste this for me, please?"

    • The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

    • "No, not at all," says the chemist.

    • "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
    • FUNNY   
    • Superfast Nano!
    • A Nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

    • "I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

    • They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds past 150km/hour.

    • The BMW driver totally forgets about the Nano and guns it after the Porsche.

    • Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ: "Calling all stations: You won't believe this, I just saw a BMW & a Porsche racing past at about 190 km/h with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to Overtake.



    • Nokia Lovers
    • Shadi mein juta chupai ke time dulhe ki ek saali boli: Jijaji main to 1100 lungi.

    • Second saali: Jijaji, 1100 se kaam nahin chalega, main toh 2100 hi lungi.

    • Peeche se Santa bola: 2310 le lo usmein bluetooth aur FM bhi aata hai.
    • HINGLISH  266
    • Estate Planning!
    • Morris is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them...

    • "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

    • "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

    • "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."

    • "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

    • The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."

    • Sarah replies, "Property? the idiot had a newspaper route."
    • FUNNY  49
    • Designatd Decoy!
    • One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

    • At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

    • The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

    • The results showed a reading of 0.0.

    • The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

    • The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
    • BAR  33
    • Getting Married!
    • A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

    • The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

    • When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

    • There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"


    • Free Ride!!!
    • A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and grandpa gets out.

    • The polite policeman explained, "I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?"

    • "Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen. Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris ! You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?"

    • Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk home."
    • FUNNY  52
    • Old Crush!!!
    • A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's aguy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works!

    • The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"

    • The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"
    • MARRIAGE  106
    • Diwali Offer
    • Wife saw a board outside a shop.
    • Diwali Offer Ending Today:
    • Banarsi Saree Rs 10 Only.
    • Nylon Rs 8 only.

    • Cotton Saree Rs 5 only.
    • Excited Wife, to Husband,: Give me Rs 500, I'll buy 50 sarees. Husband: Beerbal ki maa, istri ki dukan hai woh.
    • HINGLISH  191
    • Pool Rules!
    • The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

    • "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

    • "Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!


    • New Poultry Farmer!
    • A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.

    • Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

    • When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."

    • Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local extension office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, "Please send soil sample."
    • FUNNY   
    • Drummer vs. Conductor
    • A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer.

    • He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve.

    • Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer, which must be why you play the drums."

    • A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
    • FUNNY   
    • Biwi k kuch awesome kisse!!!
    • Papa: Arre aaj tumhari mummy itni chup-chap kyun baithi hui hai?
    • Son: Kuch nahin papa, mummy ne lipstick maangi aur maine galati se fevistick de di.
    • Papa: (with tears in eyes) Kamaal kar diya yaar, God bless you!



    • Whats Checkmate?
    • You tell your wife: I saw a lady, looked exactly like you.
    • Wife asks: WAS SHE HOT??
    • You can't say 'No' and you can't even say 'Yes'....
    • That's Checkmate!



    • Wife: Where are you?
    • Husband: I'm at Bank.
    • Wife: Wow that's good! I need 20,000 for new Cell Phone, 5,000 for new dress, 6000 for new shoes, 4000 for new purse, 8000 for my new cosmetics...
    • Husband: Sorry, I mean I am at Blood bank, KHOON PIYOGI? KHOON ???
    • HINGLISH   
    • What a Shame!
    • "I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.

    • "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

    • The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent.


    • Dinner Date!
    • A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

    • The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

    • After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    • The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
    • MARRIAGE  27
    • Confession!
    • A boy on a date in a BMW CAR.

    • Boy, "Maine tumse ek baat chupai hai."

    • Girl, "Kya?"

    • Boy, "I m already married."

    • Girl, "Tumne toh dara diya tha, maim samjhi ki yeh red colour ki BMW tumhari nahin hai."
    • HINGLISH  212
    • Feeding Alligators!
    • An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years. He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area. For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.

    • One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing. As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.

    • He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    • The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
    • FUNNY  39
    • Devil Shopping!
    • The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

    • "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

    • "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

    • "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"


    • Maa Kya Hoti Hai?
    • Ek khoobsurat rishte ka naam hai Maa.

    • Yeh Maa hi hai jo apne bachchon ko subah uthaati aur kehti hai...

    • Uth jao kanjron, 10 baj rahe hain, kutton ki tarah pade rahte ho, tumahre baap ne naukar nahi rakkhe hain jo tumhein nashta bana kar denge. Zindagi haraam kar rakhi hai kameeno ne. Kaam ke na kaaj ke dushman anaaj ke...

    • Note: Har "Maa" wale msg emotional nahin hote.
    • Maa kabhi kabhi frustrated bhi toh ho sakti hai.
    • HINGLISH  384
    • Job Application
    • An applicant was filling out a job application.

    • When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

    • He wrote, "No."

    • The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?"

    • The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
    • FUNNY  30
    • Anything for Friends!
    • Bhagwan ne mujhse kaha ki Tu apna 1 pyara dost chhod de main tujhe Smartphone dunga...

    • 2 ko chhod de toh Rolex ghadi dunga...

    • 5 ko chhod de toh 50 lakh cash dunga...

    • Aur Sabhi doston ko chhod de toh Ferrari dunga...

    • Maine Bhagwan ko dekha aur kaha,

    • Hey Bhagwan..
    • Yeh dost wo hain jinhone meri har khushi, har gam mein saath diya...

    • Mere bachpan se lekar aaj tak mere saath rahe...

    • Kabhi main roya to apne hathon se mere ansoo pochhe...

    • Ek glass pani bhi piya to bhi mere saath share kiya...

    • Meri ek awaz par daude chale aaye...

    • Aur aap kehte ho ki mein ek "FERRARI" ke liye inhe chhod dun..???

    • KHAIR, Koi baat nahi...

    • Lekin "FERRARI" Red color ki hi dena....!!
    • HINGLISH  313
    • George and the Dragon!!!
    • An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

    • He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

    • "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

    • The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

    • "Could I have a pint of ale?"

    • "No!" she shouted.

    • "Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

    • "No!" she shouted again.

    • The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

    • "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

    • "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George


    • Police Investigation!
    • Santa was caught by police.

    • Police: How did you kill 20 people?

    • Santa: Main gaadi tez chala raha tha par jab maine brake lagaya, toh pata laga ki brake fail ho gaya hain.

    • Phir main ne samne dekha toh ek taraf 2 aadmi ja rahe the aur dusri taraf 1 barat ja rahi thi. Ab aap hi batao main gaadi kidhar modta?

    • Police: Of course, jis taraf 2 admi the. Nuksaan kam hota.

    • Santa: Exactly. Maine bhi yahi socha tha par woh 2 aadmi meri gaadi dekh kar barat me ghus gaye..!!!
    • HINGLISH  397
    • Bean Soup!!!
    • When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

    • "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

    • "Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

    • "I don't care where it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
    • FUNNY  18
    • Movie Names
    • If movies were made by drinkers, then the titles would be....

    • Soda Akbar
    • Rab Ne Pila di Thodi
    • Rum De Basanti
    • Hum Tight Ho Chuke Sanam
    • Beer Zara
    • Bevde Zameen Par
    • Ek Tha Bagpiper
    • Talli six
    • Rum Maro Rum 
    • Maine Drink Tujko Diya
    • Bewdy Rathore
    • Hickk Hick Hota Hai
    • DaaruDas
    • Hum Tunn
    • Maine Neat Kyu Piya
    • Peg Piya Toh Darna Kya
    • Ulti Kar Di Aapne
    • Whiskiya
    • Pinewale Baatliyaa Le Jayenge..!
    • HINGLISH  475
    • Oh My God!!!
    • Co-pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.

    • "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....."

    • When suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers.

    • "Oh my God! OMG!!! OMG!!! This is going to hurt....Its burning"

    • A ghostly silence reigned, he gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers.

    • "I sincerely apologise for the incident but the air hostess just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap... you should see my pants from the front"

    • A passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS FROM BEHIND!"



    • Women are Always Right!
    • Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.

    • The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it."

    • A big storm cloud materialized, and there was a clap of thunder, "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above."

    • The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon.

    • "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign."

    • This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.

    • "See! I told you I was right," the woman said.

    • But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.

    • "Help me, Lord," the woman implored.

    • And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!"

    • The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"

    • "So, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."
    • FUNNY   
    • A Wife's Wishes!
    • A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

    • - I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

    • - I want to be the only one in his life.

    • - I want him to sleep always by my side.

    • - I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

    • The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Pathan vs. Bainya!
    • EK Pathan ek Baniye ki shaadi mein gaya.

    • Shaadi waale ghar mein 2 darwaze the, 1 pe Rishtedaar, dusre pe Dost likha tha.

    • Pathan, Dost wale darwaze se enter ho gaya.

    • Aage phir 2 darwaze the, 1 pe Ladies, dusre pe Gents likha tha.

    • Pathan, Gents wale darwaze se enter hua.

    • Wahan 2 aur darwaze the, 1 pe Gift dene wala dusre pe Bina giftwala likha tha.

    • Pathan bina giftwaale darwaze mein enter ho gaya!

    • Jab dekha to Pathan, bahar gali me khada tha!

    • Aur wahan likha tha: 'Sharm to nhi aa rahi hogi!!! Baniye ki shaadi aur free mein roti khayega ? JA JA hawa khhaa..!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Pick Your Saddle
    • Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.

    • Judi asked what the difference was.

    • "Well," said the cowboy, "one has a horn and the other doesn't."

    • Judi thought about it for a second and answered, "Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."


    • How to Stop Telemarketing Calls...
    • I called at Vodafone Customer Care, a girl picked up the phone.

    • Girl: Vodafone care mein aapka swaagat hai.

    • Me: Thank you.

    • Girl: Mein aapki kya sahaayta kar sakti hun??

    • Me: Kya aap shaadi karna chahti hain mujhse??

    • Girl: Jee aapne galat number laga diya hai.

    • Me: Nahin nahin, maine sahi number lagaya hai, aap shaadi karengi?

    • Girl: Jee mein shaadi main interested nahin hun.

    • Me: Arre madam sun toh lijiye ek baar.

    • Girl: Not interested.

    • Me: Love marriage karengi toh honeymoon Switzerland mein, arrange marriage karengi toh Paris mein.

    • Girl: Jee mein aapse shaadi karna hee nahinchahti toh aap offer kyun de rahe hain??

    • Me: Court marriage ka expense 10,000 Rs, normal wedding ka expense 2,00,000 Rs.

    • Girl: Aapko samajh nahin aata ki mujhe shaadi nahin karni phir bhi aap samajhte nahin.

    • Me: Ab pata chala madam aapko humara dard, jab hume aapke offers mein interest nahin hota phir bhi aap humaari naak mein ungli karne baar baar call karti rehti hain.

    • Girl shocked, I rocked....
    • HINGLISH  379
    • Don't Be Nervous!
    • An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

    • As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

    • "Yes Dad, what is it?"

    • "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
    • MARRIAGE  46
    • Crow Kills!
    • Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

    • However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

    • MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

    • The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
    • ANIMAL KINGDOM  28
    • Experiment on a Dog
    • Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

    • For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

    • For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

    • For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

    • As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.


    • Malik Aur Murghiyan
    • 'Agar tum sab ne 2-2 ande nahi diye to tum sub ko kaat dunga...'

    • Agli subah sab ne 2-2 ande diye, magar 1 ne 1 anda diya...

    • Malik: Tum ne 1 anda kyun diya.

    • Usne kaha,"abe kaminey..... woh toh katne ke darr se de diya...... warna main toh Murga hun !!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Woman's Love
    • When a Woman Loves!

    • When a woman loves you, you are a husband

    • When a few women love you, you are a man

    • When many women love you, you are a lover

    • When hundreds of women love you, you are an idol

    • When thousands of women love you, you are a leader

    • But,

    • When all the women in the world love you, you are not human... You are a diamond, gold, a rupee, a dollar, a euro, or a yen..
    • MARRIAGE   
    • I Love you!
    • Aurton ke Ek Group se poocha gaya ki kon kon apne SHOHRON se pyar karti hain?

    • Sab Ne Hath khare kardiye...

    • In sab ko ek-ek msg dia giya k apne apne SHOHRON ko send karen...

    • "I LOVE YOU "

    • To Inke shohron ke jawab kuch youn aaye...

    • 1: Tumhari tabiyat theek hai na? 

    • 2: Ab kya ho gaya ? phir se car maar di.

    • 3: Excuse me!

    • 4: Sirf itna batao ki kitne paise chahiye?

    • 5: Nasha to nahi kar lia?

    • 6: Ab kya kardia tumne? main is baar maaf nahi karoonga.
    • Aur Sab Se acha jawab ye tha.
    • .
    • ..
    • ...
    • 7: Kaun hain aap?
    • HINGLISH   
    • My Computer
    • Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user ...

    • Help-desk : Double click on "My Computer".

    • Lady : I can't see your computer..

    • Help-desk : No .. Click on "My Computer" on your computer.

    • Lady : How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ??? !!

    • Help-desk : There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer .. double click on it.

    • Lady : What the hell is your computer doing on my computer


    • Ghalib's Date
    • Ghalib ne girlfriend ko date par bulaya, wo late aayi....

    • Girl: Am I late ?

    • Ghalib: Arz hai....

    • Falak pe chand sitaron ko neend aa rahi hai,

    • Falak pe chand sitaron ko neend aa rahi hai,

    • Dusri ka time ho gaya hai, tu ab aa rahi hai.
    • HINGLISH  324
    • Girlfriend's grievance!
    • `Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!` `Oh Dan,` responded Brian `I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!`

    • `Brian, that's horrible!` said Dan putting his arm around Brian. `What type of a gift does she want already?`

    • `Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: `Why don't you show me how much you care about me? Why can't you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!`

    • `Dan what should I do? I don't have that kind of money? I can't go out and buy her a car!`

    • `A car? Asked Dan. `Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!` ...
    • FUNNY  70
    • An Ordinary Citizen!
    • A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard.

    • The priest took the chalk and wrote in large letters, "I'm a priest and I pray for you all."

    • A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he added under it, "I'm a lawyer and I defend you all."

    • Then, a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote on the blackboard, "I'm a doctor and I cure you all."

    • Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, "I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all."
    • FUNNY  91
    • What's Baba ji Ka Thullu?
    • Girlfriend: Babaji Ka Thullu is trending. What does it means?

    • Boyfriend: It's 'Nothing'

    • Girlfriend: Why? Tell me na... please...

    • Boyfriend: Arre uska matlab 'kuchh nahi' hota hai.

    • Girlfriend: Bata na bhav kyu kha raha hai?

    • Boyfriend: Bola to 'kuchh bhi nahi' hota hai.

    • Girlfriend: Kaminey, akhiri baar poochh rahi hoon, ek word me chup chap answer de...

    • Boyfriend: Ghanta....

    • Girl gives him 4-5 tight slaps.

    • Boyfriend: Mujhe maar ke tujhe kya mila?

    • Girlfriend: Kuchh nahi.

    • Boyfriend: Yahi hota hai 'Babaji Ka Thullu'

    • Girlfriend: Sweetu, pahle nahi bata sakte the?


    • Inside & Outside!
    • Think you are sitting in front of computer, what computer will think...??
    • Do you know...??
    • Intel inside, mental outside...!!!

    • Wait don't laugh, joke is not over...
    • You are standing in front of fridge...What fridge will think...
    • Do you know...??
    • Cool inside, fool outside!!!

    • Wait one more for you...

    • Think you are standing outside race course...
    • What race course will think...
    • Do you know...??
    • Ghoda inside, Gadha outside...!!!
    • FUNNY  93
    • Cheating Bugger!
    • "Is that the obituary section of the Clarion?" asked the woman.

    • "Yes, madam, can I help you?"

    • "I'd like to put a notice in, reporting the death of my husband from gunshot wounds."

    • "God gracious, when did it happen?"

    • "Just as soon as I find the cheating bugger."
    • FUNNY  22
    • Onion Prices!
    • Is mehengai ke jamane mein yeh joke nahi Sachaai lagti hai...

    • Jeeto: Aaj to 5 rupey ke 3 pyaj mil gaye!

    • Santa (Excited): Arre wah... kahan se aur kaise??

    • Jeeto: 5 rupey ka ek usne diya, ek mai utha ke bhag gayi, aur ek usne mujhe fek ke mara....
    • HINGLISH  154
    • Types of Ladies
    • Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:

    • 1. HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.

    • 2. RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you turn off.

    • 3. SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.

    • 4. INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.

    • 5. SERVER lady: Always busy when needed 6. MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.

    • 7. VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called 'WIFE', once enters your system, never leaves even if the system is formatted.


    • Soap Affair
    • Ek REXONA naam ki ladki thi.
    • Jiske Mammi Papa ka naam DAYNA or CINTHOL tha.
    • Ek MARGO naam ka ladka jo REXONA ko pyaar karta tha or REXONA bhi MARGO ko apna LIFEBOY banana chahti thi. Dono ka pyaar PEARS ki tarah bilkul saaf tha. Dono ki shaadi FAIR & LOVELY Garden mein hui.
    • Shaadi mein, DETOL, MEDIMIX, LUX, FAA, NIRMA, VIVEL, DOVE Etc. Aate hain.
    • Shaadi ke kuchh saal baad unke Judwa bachche hue jinka naam rakha gaya "JOHNSON & JOHNSON"
    • Hanso mat, ye ek tareeka tha aapko btaane ka ki bazaar mein Sabun ki poori family hai, kisi ek member ko pakdo or Nhaa lo.
    • HINGLISH  335
    • Bank Robbers!
    • Santa and Banta decided to rob a bank but during the process of the robbery they mess it up, but they do managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor.

    • They do manage to take one sack each.

    • After a while they meet again and one asks the other... 

    • Santa: What did you find in your sack?

    • Banta: Ten lakh Rupees!

    • Santa: Wow... that's a lot of money!' What did you do with the cash?

    • Banta: I bought a house. How about your sack?

    • Santa: It was full of bills.

    • Banta: And what did you do with them?

    • Santa: Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...
    • SANTABANTA  274
    • Company Policy!
    • Banta, an eager young man entered his prospective boss's office for an interview.

    • "One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness. I hope you wiped your shoe on the door mat while coming in?" said the boss.

    • "Yes sir," Banta replied promptly.

    • The boss continued, "One more thing we're very particular about is honesty. There is no door mat outside!"
    • SANTABANTA  108
    • Not Again!
    • After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably.

    • He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

    • After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.

    • Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:

    • "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me."
    • ==============================
    • Sabki Pasand Nirma
    • Washing powder Nirma....

    • Washing powder Nirma....

    • Doodh si safedi Nirma se Aaye.....

    • Rangeen kapde bhi Khil khil jaaye...

    • Sabki pasand Nirma....

    • Washing powder Nirma...

    • Kuch bhi Post karo, log padhte zarur hain.... Woh bhi tune ke saath
    • HINGLISH   
    • Never Say 'NO'
    • A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

    • Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

    • Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

    • The clerk smiled and said, "Rain..."
    • FUNNY   
    • Defective Laptop!
    • Ek ladki ne new laptop liya...

    • Sham ko, gusse mein bhadkti hui, vapis aai aur dukan wale se boli: Ye lappy bekar hai, ismein purane PC ki file paste nahi ho rahi hai.

    • Shopkeepr: Not possible! Ye latest laptop he aur ismein aisa ho hi nahi sakta. Ap jara batayengi ke kaise kiya aap ne copy and paste ?

    • Ladki shop keeper ko ghar le gai, apne computer ko on kiya mouse se right click kar ke file copy ki fir PC se mouse nikal ke laptop me lagaya, aur right click kar ke boli: Dekho paste ka option kahna hai ?

    • Shopkeeper on the spot be-hosh...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Animals` FB Status
    • If animals have Facebook..... these are most likely to be their Status Updates!

    • Cockroach: Managed to skip from some one's foot step.. Man, I lead a dangerous lifestyle!

    • Cat: My 7th child is asking who is her dad. What shall I tell her? I don't even remember... Mosquito: I am HIV positive... this is all due to wrong sucking.

    • Pig: Oh gosh they throw the gossips that I am spreading flu...WTF!!!

    • Chicken: If tomorrow there's no status update from my side, means I'm being served at KFC.


    • I'm the Best!
    • I m the best. I can prove it.
    • I can put Coffee in coffee cup. Can you put world in World Cup?

    • OK one more:
    • I can send my address on your mobile. Can you send your mobile on my address?

    • Nahin na... Ok Ok... One last one
    • I can eat Cream biscuits with Cream. Can you eat Tiger biscuits with Tiger?
    • Kaha na, only I'm the best...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Overloaded with Work?
    • If you feel overloaded with Work...

    • Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center and place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes:

    • 1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE)

    • 2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM)

    • 3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)

    • 4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)

    • This is issued in public interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)
    • BAR   
    • Visiting Charges!
    • Santa: Doctor ke paas gaya aur bola ghar jaane ki kitne fees lete hain aap??

    • Doctor: 300 rupees.

    • Santa: Theek hai doctor ji, chaliye phir.

    • Doctor ne apna bag liya, bike nikali aur Santa ko le kar Santa ke ghar pahunch gaye.

    • Doctor bola: Mareez kahan hai ??

    • Santa: Yahan koi mareez nahi hai doctor ji, darasal baat yeh hai ki taxi wala 500 maang raha tha aur aapne 300 mein le aaye...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Rush Hour!!!
    • It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.

    • I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was more than ample room in the back.

    • Then.... the bus driver took over.

    • "Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front."


    • Santa's Railway Interview..
    • Santa ka Railway Interview:

    • Interviewer: Agar do gaadiyan ek line pe aa gayi toh kya karoge?

    • Santa: Jee, red light dikhaunga.

    • Interviewer: Red light na hoto?

    • Santa: Torch dikhaunga...

    • Interviewer: Torch na ho toh?

    • Santa: Apni red shirt utaar kar dikhaunga.

    • Interviewer: Shirt bhi red na huyi toh?

    • Santa: Phir main apne bua ke ladke ko bulaunga...

    • Interviewer: Hain..!! Wo kyun?

    • Santa: Jee, usne kabhi traino accident nahin dekha...
    • HINGLISH  289
    • First Hearing Aids!
    • A woman came storming at the Postal counter.

    • She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, "This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery. He left this note for us to pick up from Post office, but my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?"

    • The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady.

    • Then just casually he asked, "Ma'am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?"

    • The lady replied, "My husband's first new hearing aids."
    • FUNNY  30
    • Military Genealogy!!!
    • Subedaar Deedar singh from the armoured corps had one desire that he has a stable of boys who would all join his regiment and get that honour for him and the family just like he had done.

    • So when the first born arrived, he didn't heed to his mother asking him to conduct the naamkarn ceremony and announced his child to be christened "Leftaan Singh" (Lieutenant Singh)... after all, he was the first in the heirarchy!

    • When the next son came, he coughed and announced "Kaptaan (Captain) Singh."

    • Thus began the saga of ritual home grown promotions, till he had Major Singh, Karnail (Colonel) Singh, Bargader (Brigadier) Singh and finally Jarnail (General) Singh.

    • Sache Patshaah, in his benevolence had been magnanimous and he could rest now, but then arrived a beautiful baby girl. Subedaar sahab was stumped and paced up and down to figure out an appropriate name. His wife, seeing his frustration, called out, "Gal suno, biba da nau ARMAD KAUR na rakhh daiye???"
    • HINGLISH  23
    • I acted with Katharine Hepburn
    • Hollywood actor Christopher Reeve made a reply one night to host James Lipton on the Bravo TV program "Inside the Actor's Studio".

    • When Reeve was asked what it was liked to have acted with Katharine Hepburn, he delighted the audience with his reply:

    • "People say I acted with Katharine Hepburn.
    • The truth is I acted near Katharine Hepburn."


    • My Cheating Wife...
    • A letter from a guy to Agony Aunt:

    • Dear Abby,
    • I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

    • The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

    • I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

    • I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

    • Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

    • It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer ???
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Unsecured Connection!
    • Ek ladki roz jab college se ghar ati to ek ladke ko apne ghar ke bahar khada dekhti.

    • Aisa roz hota tha, even pura 1 saal beet gaya. Aur wo ladka roz us ko apne ghar ke samne nazar aata.

    • Wo kuch nahi kehta tha bas chup chaap kabhi agey pechay aur kabhi apne mobile phone ko dekhta.

    • Ladki ko yaqeen hone laga ki ladka usko chahta hai.

    • Ek din ladki himmat kar ke us ke pass gayi aur pucha, "Tum roz aise mere ghar ke bahar kyun khade hote ho ??

    • Ladka ghabra gaya aur foran bola, "Maaf karna bahen actually tumhare Wifi pe password nahi laga hua wo use karne aata hun...."
    • HINGLISH   
    • Back from the Grave!
    • After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

    • "If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

    • So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

    • Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

    • A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

    • "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

    • "Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

    • The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"
    • FUNNY   
    • Date with Destiny!
    • One day death came to a Guy and said, "Hey, today is your last day."

    • Guy, "But I'm not ready!"

    • Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

    • Guy, "Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?"

    • Death, "All right."

    • The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!

    • When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list.


    • A Little Late!
    • For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 AM on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late.

    • Consequently, when on one particular day 9 AM passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor.

    • Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent.

    • He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."

    • And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
    • MILITARY  12
    • Dangerous Dosti!
    • Main ghar late aaya toh Dad ne Pucha: "Where were you?"

    • Maine kaha: "Friend ke Ghar par tha."

    • Dad ne Mere hi saamne mere 10 friends ko call kiya.

    • 4 ne Kaha: "Haan Uncle, Yahin par tha."

    • 2 ne Kaha: "Abhi Just Nikla hai."

    • 3 ne Kaha: "Yahin hai Uncle, Padh Raha hai, baat karwaun Kya?"

    • 1 ne toh hadd hi Kar di, kaha, "Haan Papa bolo kya hua"!

    • PITWA DIYA SAALON NE !!!
    • HINGLISH  495
    • Essay on Ishant Sharma
    • 1. Ishant Sharma is God's answer to BCCI's wrongdoings.

    • 2. Newton's 3rd law modified: For every N Srinivasan, there is an equal and opposite Ishant Sharma.

    • 3. Dear Dhoni, Ishant Sharma ko OLX pe bech de.

    • 4. Ishant Sharma makes people miss Ashish Nehra.

    • 5. Dhoni would have bowled better than Ishant Sharma. In fact, even Duncan Fletcher would have.

    • 6. It wasn't Faulkner, it wasn't Voges. Australia's match winner tonight was Ishant Sharma.

    • 7. If ever there was an Orange Cap award for bowlers, Ishant Sharma would win it hands down.

    • 8. Ajit Agarkar would be having second thoughts on his retirement after looking at Ishant Sharma bowl.

    • 9. Restaurants to rename 'unlimited' offer packages to 'Ishant Sharma' packages.

    • 10. Ishant Sharma should be called Lord Ishant Sharma henceforth.

    • 11. Ishant Sharma doesn't like to cut his hair because he wants to hide his face when bowlers thrash him around the park.

    • 12. BCCI should consider giving Ishant Shamra voluntary retirement.

    • 13. When Ishant Sharma bowls, it's a working holiday for all fielders. Of course, the spectators are the real fielders.

    • 14. Ishant Sharma doesn't need a towel to indicate that he's giving away runs.

    • 15. Colors to give Ishant Sharma a wild card entry to Big Boss season7.

    • 16. Abey Kuruvilla can bowl better than Ishant Sharma.

    • 17. Dhoni isn't India's greatest finisher, Ishant Sharma is.

    • 18. Ishant Sharma has the ability to overshadow Sir Ravindra Jadeja.

    • 19. At this rate, Ishant Sharma would end up with the most number of centuries (with the ball) for India in ODIs.

    • 20. LOL is Ishant Sharma's middle name.
    • SPORTS  228
    • The Real Lover!
    • Once 3 boys proposed the same girl! 

    • 1st: Main tumhare liye apni jaan bhi de sakta hun.

    • Girl: Woh toh sab kehte hain.

    • 2nd Guy: Main tumhare liye chaand tare tod kar la sakta hun.

    • Girl: Nothing special, bahut purana dialogue hai.

    • 3rd Guy: Main tumhe apna Facebook ka pasword tak de sakta hun. Yahan tak ki apna facebook account delete bhi kar sakta hun.

    • Girl, Ankhon main ansu ke sath: Pagal itna chahta hai mujhe ? I Love You Too!!!

    • Doston, Facebook Badi Cheeaz Hai.



    • Wild Life Photography
    • Jeeto, ek dum khush ho ke: Kya baat hai Jee, aaj toh meri Photo-Pe-Photo kheenche ja rahe ho?

    • Santa: Bas aise hi... dil kar raha hai.

    • Jeeto: Kya mein itni hot and smart lag rahi hun aaj?

    • Sata: Arre kuchh nahin pagli, aaj mere sarr pe Wild Life Photography ka bhoot sawaar Hai...
    • HINGLISH   
    • Fussy Wife
    • Banta had been arrested and was now up before the judge.

    • The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop 3 times?"

    • "Yes," replies Banta.

    • "Could you please tell the court what you stole." asks the judge.

    • "I stole a dress, your honour," replies Banta.

    • "Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in 3 times," says the judge.

    • "Yes I did, your honour," says Banta, "but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before."

    • "Return the dress? Why? I don't understand," says the judge.

    • "Because my wife Preeto didn't like the design, your honour."
    • SANTABANTA   
    • Swarg ki Entry
    • 1st Aadmi : Bhagwan main doctor hoon aur maine logo ki bahot sewa ki hai mujhe swarg mein aane do.

    • Bhawan: Nahi tum andar nahi aa sakte.

    • 2nd Aadmi: Bhagwan main Brahmin hoon aur maine sari zindagi aapki pooja ki hai mujhe swarg mein aane do.

    • Bhagwan : Nahi tum bhi andar nahi aa sakte.

    • 3rd Aadmi: Prabhu main shaadi shuda hoon.

    • Bhagwaan: Bas kar pagle rulayega kya, chal andar swarg mein aaja.
    • HINGLISH   
    • Lawaris Bandar!
    • Banta ko ek Lawaris bandar Mila. Woh us bandar ko Police Station le gaya aur pucha ki iska kya karun?

    • Inspector ne kaha Isko Zoo le jao.

    • Next day Inspector ne Banta ko Bandar k saath bus stop per dekha.

    • Inspector: Arre tum isko Zoo nahi le kar gaye..??

    • Banta: Kal gaye the Sir, khub ghoome, bada maza aaya... Aaj Qutub minar jaa rahe hai... Phir India Gate jayenge.


    • Obama's New Health Care Plan
    • Virtually every professional discipline within the American Medical Association's membership has decided to weigh in on the new health care plan being developed by President Obama's team, with varying thoughts and recommendations.

    • The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    • The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    • The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

    • Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

    • Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

    • The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    • Surgeons decided to totally wash their hands of the whole thing.

    • The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

    • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    • The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, while the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say "No!"

    • In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington!
    • NEWS AND POLITICS   
    • Baba Ji Ka Thullu!
    • Gutthi - Cricket
    • Cricket - Match
    • Match - Team
    • Team - India
    • India - Australia
    • Australia - Bada Score
    • Bada Score - India
    • India - Aasan Jeet
    • Asaan Jeet - Khushi
    • Khushi - Sidhu Pajji
    • Sidhu Pajji - Thoko Taali
    • Australia Ne Samjha India ko Ullu
    • Australia Ne Samjha India ko Ullu
    • .
    • ..
    • ...
    • 359 runs bana ke bhi kya mila - BABAJI KA THULLU!!!
    • HINGLISH   
    • Marriage vs Love
    • Love is holding hands in the street,
    • Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

    • Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant,
    • Marriage is a take home packet.

    • Love is watching movie on a sofa,
    • Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

    • Love is talking about having children,
    • Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

    • Love is going to bed early,
    • Marriage is going to sleep early.

    • Love is losing your appetite,
    • Marriage is losing your figure.

    • TV has no place in love,
    • Marriage is a fight for remote control.

    • Love is 1 drink and 2 straws,
    • Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough !"

    • Conclusion: Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener.
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Let there be light
    • Ek gaon me bijli aane waali thi. Wahan ke sabhi log khush the...

    • Bijli aane ki khushi mein sab gaon waale jhum rahe the, nach rahe the, gaa rahe the, celebrations chal rahi thi...

    • Wahin ek kutta bhi jhum-jhum ke nach raha tha... enjoy kar raha tha ann bada hi khush tha.

    • Gaon ke ek admi ne kutte se puchha, "Are bhai tun kyo nach raha hai ?

    • Kutta bola, "Bijli ayegi to khambe bhi to lagenge..



    • Near Fatal Accident!
    • Husband calls his wife....

    • Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.

    • Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.

    • "I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."

    • Wife, "Who is Susan?"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Busy Husband!
    • Wife calls hubby...

    • Wife: Kahan per ho, kyaya kar rahe ho?

    • Hubby: O yaar, kuch mat pucho, bura haal hai. Office mein hoon, bahut jyada busy hoon, kaam hi hi kaam hai, saans lene ki bhi phursat nahin hai. Aur tum batao, kya kar rahi ho, bachche kya kar rahe hain?

    • Wife: KFC mein tumhare peeche bachchon ke saath bethi hun aur bachche pooch rahe hain ki papa ke saath kaun nai BUA bethi hain?
    • HINGLISH   
    • To Tuck or Not to Tuck ?
    • Murphy asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

    • "You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

    • He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum.

    • "All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round and hit me," said Paddy. It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

    • "I got it in church," he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum.

    • "My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I know she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!"
    • FUNNY   
    • The Confessional!
    • At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings.

    • One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

    • The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get in the confessional," which Joe did.

    • Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said, "I can't hear you."

    • Again the priest asked, "Joe did you take any of the offering?"

    • Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

    • This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

    • Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."

    • By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

    • So they traded places and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

    • To which the priest answered, "By Golly you can't hear in here!


    • Communication Gap!
    • A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    • She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

    • "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

    • "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

    • "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

    • "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

    • He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

    • "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

    • "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

    • "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

    • "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

    • "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

    • Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

    • "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
    • MARRIAGE  21
    • Upset Girlfriend
    • A guy got stuck on a Rs. 1 crore question.

    • He uses phone-a-friend helpline, and chooses his girlfriend to ask the answer.

    • Amitabh Bachchan: Girlfriend ji, Namashkaar, mein Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hun KBC se. Abhi aapke mitra aap se ek prashan puchenge aur aap ko sirf 30 seconds mein us prashan ka uttar dene hai. Aapka samay shuru hota hai ab...

    • Boy reads out the question and the 4 options.

    • Girl: Mil gaya time tumhe phone karne ka ? Mujhe tumse koi baat nahi karni !!! Byeeeee....
    • HINGLISH  67
    • Mindset of Indian Cricketers
    • Sourav Ganguly: Do or Die.

    • Virender Sehwag: Do before you die.

    • Rahul Dravid: Do until they die.

    • Sachin Tendulkar: Do that will never die.

    • VVS Laxman: Do when everyone else dies.

    • Yuvraj Singh: Do, die, reborn, do, die, reborn (repeat)....

    • Rohit Sharma: Die before you do.

    • Finally...

    • Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Do everything before luck dies.
    • SPORTS  214
    • Euro-English Humor
    • The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    • As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    • In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    • There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

    • In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    • Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    • By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

    • During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    • Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



    • When you are Drunk...
    • Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
    • 1. Innovative
    • 2. Preliminary 
    • 3. Anaesthetist
    • 4. Cinnamon
    • 5. Chrysanthemum

    • Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk:
    • 1. Specificity
    • 2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
    • 3. Anti-constitutionalistically
    • 4. Transubstantiate
    • 5. Sphygmomanometer

    • Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk:
    • 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    • 2. Nope, no more booze for me.
    • 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    • 4. Mac Donalds? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    • 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    • 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    • 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    • 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
    • 9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
    • 10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
    • BAR  42
    • Please Take Care of Yourself
    • Husband: Dubai ja raha hun...
    • Wife: Mere liye jewellery lana...

    • Husband: Paris ja raha hun....
    • Wife: Mere liye cosmetics lana...

    • Husband: London ja raha hun...
    • Wife: Perfumes leke aana...

    • Husband: Narak mein ja raha hun...
    • Wife: Bhagwan ka diya sub kuch hai... bas tum apna khyal rakhna..!!!
    • HINGLISH  232
    • What's the Price?
    • A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

    • Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    • As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    • Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

    • Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

    • He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
    • FUNNY  25
    • Who Started It?
    • Santa aur uski wife Jeeto mein jhagda hua toh Jeeto ne apni maa ko phone kiya, "Maa mera un se jhagda ho gaya hai. Main 1 month ke liye aap ke paas aa rahi hun."

    • Jeeto's mother, "Jhagda kis ne start kiya??????"

    • Jeeto, "Unho ne."

    • Jeeto's mother: "Jhagda us kambakhat ne kiya hai saza bhi ushe hi milni chahiye. Tum wahi thehro main aa rahi hun 3 Month k liye."


    • Second appendix!
    • Santa calls up the doc at 2 AM. "Doc, my wife is having severe abdomen pain. I think it's her appendix."

    • "What nonsense!" says the doc sleepily.

    • "I took out your wife's appendix two years ago. Go back to sleep."

    • Five minutes later, the phone rings and it's Santa again.

    • "Doc, I'm sure it's her appendix."

    • "Oh God!" the doctor groaned.

    • "Did you ever hear of anyone having a second appendix?"

    • "No...," says Santa. "But I'm sure you must have heard of someone having a second wife..!!!!"
    • SANTABANTA  159
    • Wife!!!
    • Pehle main bahut dukhi rehta tha. Hamesha rota rehta tha. Mujhse kaam nahin ho pata tha. Gharwalon ke taane sun ke ro diya karta tha. Phir maine is naye product ke baare mein suna, jiska naam tha !!!...WIFE...!!!

    • Ye 'Wife' vakai lajwaab hai.

    • Ab mein apni puri neend 2-3 ghante mein hi puri kar leta hun.

    • Duniya bhar ke taane aur gaaliyaan hass hass ke sun leta hun.

    • Kitni bhi musibat aaye khush rehta hun.

    • Dukh-Sukh ki tensions se upar uth gaya hun.

    • Swarg-Narak, sab yahin hain, ab ye bhi samaj aa gaya hai.

    • Ab toh dushmanon se pyaar ho gaya hai.

    • Sach mein, ye 'WIFE ' vakai asardaar hai. Always keep your wife's picture as mobile screensaver. Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say. If I can handle this, I can handle anything!
    • HINGLISH  123
    • Who Needs to Laugh?
    • The CEO returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up on Friday.

    • Everybody, laughed uproariously except on girl.

    • What's the matter? Grumbled the boss. Haven't you got a sense of humour?

    • I don't have to laugh, she replied. I'm leaving on Friday.
    • FUNNY  29
    • Premature Birth???
    • Banta ki shaadi ke 3 mahine baad hi beta ho gaya.

    • Banta: Ye hamara bachcha 3 mahine baad kaise ho gaya? Aur logon ka toh 9 mahine baad hota hai?

    • Biwi: Aaap bhi na.., Ye batao aapki shaadi ko kitna time hua hai?

    • Banta: 3 Mahine.

    • Biwi: Aur meri shaadi ko?

    • Banta: 3 Mahine.

    • Biwi: Aur hamara bachcha kitne time baad hua?

    • Banta: 3 Mahine baad.

    • Biwi: Total kitne months ho gaye?

    • Banta Khushi Se: Oh... shit yaar, SAMAY ka pata hi nahi chala... Sorry Janu maine tum par shaq kiya.

    • Biwi: Please, aisa mat bolo ji, Rulaoge Kya.


    • Which Gender is More Happy?
    • Boys are always Happy Creatures... WHY?

    • 1. Their last name stays with them forever.

    • 2. Phone conversations last just for 30 secs flat.

    • 3. A five day vacation requires only one jeans.

    • 4. If someone forgets to invite them, he can still be their friend.

    • 5. The same hairstyle lasts for years or even decades.

    • 6. They can do shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.

    • 7. They don't freak out when they go to a party and see another man wearing the same shirt, instead they become buddies...
    • FUNNY  73
    • Anger Management!
    • 1st Friend: Yaar meri biwi bahut gussa karti hai.

    • 2nd Friend: ehle meri biwi bhi kaafi gussa kiya karti thi par ab bikul nahin karti.

    • 1st Friend: Arey yaar please mujhe bhi batao ki tumne aisa kya kiya jo bhabhi ji itna shaant ho gayi?

    • 2nd Friend: Ek din gusse mein thi toh maine keh diya ki, 'Budhaape mein gussa aa hi jata hai.' Bas woh din tha aur aaj ka din hai, tez Awaaz mein bhi baat nahi karti!
    • HINGLISH  91
    • Simple Explanation!
    • The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    • "What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

    • "What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?

    • Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

    • "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

    • Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

    • "I told you there must be a simple explanation..... she didn't receive your E-mail !"
    • MARRIAGE  51
    • Boss is Always Right!
    • Boss: There are 50 bricks on an aeroplane. If you drop 1 outside. How many are left?
    • Employee: That's easy, 49.

    • Boss: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
    • Employee: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

    • Boss: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
    • Employee: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

    • Boss: It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?
    • Employee: Because the deer is in the fridge.

    • Boss: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
    • Employee: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

    • Boss: Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
    • Employee: Ere.... I guess she drowned.... errr...

    • Boss: No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the aeroplane. Thats the problem, you are not focused on your job.... You may leave now! 

    • Moral: No matter how much you know or how much you are prepared. If your Boss has decided to screw you then you are surely screwed.


    • A Jealous Husband
    • A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

    • A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

    • Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

    • He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

    • He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

    • "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

    • The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

    • The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"
    • MARRIAGE   
    • Salary Hike!
    • Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

    • Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

    • Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious Firm for over ten years.

    • Boss: Yes.

    • Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

    • Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

    • Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

    • Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

    • Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

    • Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

    • Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company And the Mortgage Company!
    • FUNNY   
    • Dorothy Parker
    • In the 1920s, Dorothy Parker was establishing a reputation as a witty woman with a sharp tongue (the actress Mrs. Patrick Campbell called her, "My pretty, pretty cobra"). At the same time, Clare Booth Luce was becoming a respected journalist and well-known playwright. While both women were highly talented, their numerous political, philosophical, and personal differences resulted in a strained relationship.

    • One day, Parker was about to step through a doorway when she came face-to-face with Luce.

    • As the story goes, Mrs. Luce stepped aside, extended the palm of her hand, and said coyly, "Age before beauty."

    • Parker glided through the door, saying ever-so-sweetly, "Pearls before swine."
    • REPARTEE   
    • Hobbies of Husband
    • A woman went shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

    • He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

    • She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today...

    • The story continues...
    • The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

    • Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, "What are you doing?" He said your husband has blocked your credit card.

    • MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.




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